Show notes
*DISCLAIMER* This episode contains adult themes and is not intended for little ears. 39. Natural Aphrodisiacs in Marriage with Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Douglas Rosenau **Transcription Below** Song of Solomon 4:7 NIV “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Dr. Douglas Rosenau has truly been a pioneer in Christian sex therapy. He isa licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, author, speaker, adjunct professor, and co-founder of Sexual Wholeness. His training in both theology and counseling helps couples enrich and reclaim God’s wonderful gift of sexual intimacy. At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Dr. Doug’s Website Dr. Doug on Twitter Books by Dr. Doug with various co-authors: Total Intimacy Soul Virgins Celebration of Sex Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds Celebration of Sex After 50 Secrets of Eve by Dr. Archibald Hart, Catherine Hart Weber, and Debra Taylor Thank You to Our Sponsor: Richmont Graduate University Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Also, check out our Patreon Page to find out how to gain access to additional podcasts and freebies! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:17] <music> Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. I'm so excited for our new sponsor, Richmont Graduate University. This is where I received my master's degree and I have nothing but positive things to say about them. If you've never heard of Richmont, Richmont Graduate University is a faith-based, non-profit institution, and they have campuses in Atlanta, Georgia, and Chattanooga, Tennessee. Richmont provides fully accredited graduate-level training through its School of Counseling and School of Ministry programs. Richmont also has a network of counseling centers, and in 2018, they completed over 25,000 sessions. To learn more about Richmont master's degree programs and counseling services, visit richmont.edu. Today we get to hear from Dr. Douglas Rosenau. [00:01:18] He is a certified sex therapist and a successful author. After listening to nearly 60,000 hours of stories, he still enjoys joining new clients in their own unique journey with care and acceptance. Today we're going to talk about natural aphrodisiacs in marriage. Dr. Doug shares many stories to portray how couples can be playful with each other and enjoy the adventure and gift of sexuality as God intended. Here's our chat. Welcome back today, Dr. Doug. Dr. Douglas Rosenau: Thank you, Laura. Laura Dugger: It's so good to have you with us again. For those who haven't heard our original chat, do you mind just telling us a bit about yourself? Dr. Douglas Rosenau: Sure. Well, I am a missionary kid. I was actually born in Africa and grew up there and went to seminary. I think my parents were kind of happy about that because "I might go back to Africa" I think was some of their thinking, but also ministry is good. Then I decided I really wanted... God was leading me more into counseling, being a therapist, and being a counselor. So I was working on a master's and a doctorate at Northern Illinois University in counseling. [00:02:26] One of my friends went and took a sex therapy class at Loyola Med School and so God really just laid on my heart to be a voice for healthy sexuality, especially within the Christian population, people of faith. And it was really funny because my parents, I didn't know that at first, but they really struggled with their son, a sex therapist. That seemed really oxymoron. Christian sex therapist, that did not seem to go together at all. But over time, you know, some of their friends came and said, "You must be proud of your son because he's working in a very difficult and important area. And they became proud of me over time and actually were passing my books out before they passed away and so on But it's been an interesting journey of really being a pioneer. I mean, I don't say that lightly but doing this in the 70s and especially the 80s and 90s and trying to sort through and really having coming again from a really Christian value system and in perspective and trying to help people of faith say sex is good, we can deal with it better. [00:03:38] Laura Dugger: You've done a great job and contributed so much to the field which we are very grateful to you. Like you mentioned, you've worked in this field for decades and you've documented various natural aphrodisiacs over time. Can you share some of those with us today? Dr. Douglas Rosenau: Yeah. When I think of an aphrodisiac, it would be something that could enhance a sex life, could enhance lovemaking. So everyone, I think, wants something artificial. There are natural aphrodisiacs. There are things that really can enhance your lovemaking, can enhance your sex life. We're talking about what gets in the way of especially wives and fun lovemaking is just fatigue. One research study said that was the number one thing that got in the way. So I think part of one natural aphrodisiac is learning self-nurture, to try to take time to be rested. [00:04:42] And I think that that is an aphrodisiac that sometimes husbands don't recognize, that if she's got one or two or three kids, she's on call, especially if she's a full-time homemaker, even if she's working a homemaker, even worse maybe. So things like just a natural aphrodisiac with the time and being rested might be just giving the kids a bath, you know, might be taking them to the park to let them swing on the swing set for a while. So I think that's an aphrodisiac we don't think about. This is kind of funny. I'm in Georgia, and so I had a really country client, first time to do any type of counseling. At the end of it, I said to him, I said, "So what do you think about counseling?" And he says, "You know, Dr. Rosenau, now you ain't told me nothing my mama didn't tell me." And I said, "I bet you, if you were doing everything your mama told you, you probably wouldn't even be here." And Mama would say, Get enough sleep, you know, eat right, be healthy. And I think that's an aphrodisiac actually. That if we really are trying to sort through... [00:05:46] And I'm even throwing in the exercise part of it too, because I really feel like another thing that really gets in the way of, oftentimes, and this is more of a female thing, with my aging clients, but the body image thing. That's a real break, you know, real turn-off at times, where wives will think, Oh, I don't know what to make... oh, I put on 20 pounds of baby weight, and I'm just not attractive. And I'm thinking, No, that's really in your head, because probably, and this would be another natural aphrodisiac, was just thinking we're sexy, because I think that's true. I remember just recently the couple was saying... he was saying, "I don't notice the baby weight." He's like, "I love being in you. I love you. I love everything." And she's, "Oh, no, no, no, we can't really have a good sex life until I've lost his baby weight." I finally said to her, I said, "Would you listen to him?" I just told her, I said, "Would you listen to him?" He doesn't notice it. He doesn't notice it. Please believe him. [00:06:45] But I would say, if body image is an issue, I'm more about being healthy than I am about weight. But sometimes just having flexibility and taking a yoga class will make you a better lover. If you're looking at just what did Mama tell you to do, stay healthy, eat right, get enough sleep. So I think in aphrodisiacs, sometimes it's just those practical things like that, Laura: fighting body image issues, exercising, getting enough sleep and rest. Laura Dugger: That is so good. And to touch on something that you brought up, I remember studying at Richmont Graduate University, and one of the first classes that I took with you as my professor, you said, similar to that example, that this woman was one of your clients and she said, "Oh, these extra few pounds of baby weight, I'm carrying them. He's just looking at me and he's going to notice my pooch or that my thighs have gotten bigger." And you said he just looks at her and says, "Oh, naked woman." Dr. Douglas Rosenau: "Look at those nipples. Wow." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that subconsciousness, because... you know, it's fascinating. [00:07:47] I have had clients that came in more for communication skills, other thing, sex wasn't the issue. And I thought, "Wow, they're both obese." She's 60 pounds overweight. I said, "Well, how's your sex life?" And they said, "Great. I just jump him all the time." And he's there grinning, "Yeah, she does." And I'm thinking, "Wow, that woman's accepted. I am Eve. This is the Eve that I am right now, but dread it all, it is a good Eve." Laura Dugger: Absolutely. You've talked about other natural aphrodisiacs before, one of them being deepening intimate companionship. So what are some stories that you've heard about couples offering acts of self-sacrificing love? Dr. Douglas Rosenau: Well, you know, let me talk about that too. But one of the things that came to mind when you talked about deepening intimate companionship is there really is such a thing as hotel sex. [00:08:51] There really is such a thing as vacation sex. And I've tried to think through why it's that. And I think part of it is you feel closer. I mean, it's not that you're just at the beach and maybe you're lucky enough to be at the beach and the kids are at grandma's. I mean, that would really be lucky. But it's that you're spending that much time together and just having fun together. I think that this really is an aphrodisiac of taking time to be close and really... I don't know if I were thinking about self-sacrificing. Maybe some of it would be usually within a couple, one of them isn't a planner. Maybe that person needs to take... sometimes it's the husband. Maybe that person needs to take the initiative to plan the vacation. You know, it is interesting how the self-sacrifice of... Well, let me give you an example. So couples will sometimes... I'll get them to say, give me your favorite script of what it would look like for good lovemaking. [00:09:53] What oftentimes comes up is the husband taking more initiative, like even to get the babysitter or to get the kids over to their friend's house or whatever it is. So I think some of the self-sacrificing could be, I'm taking initiative. And I don't think husbands realize sometimes how much that is an aphrodisiac to have said, You know, babe, we're going out Friday night. I've already got to sit her. Or you know what? I'm going to surprise you Friday morning. You know, we're going to a hotel tonight. What about the kids? Kids are taken care of. Your friend Jeannie's got them. We've got them. We've got it covered. It's a turn-on. I don't think the husband even understands that that kind of attention to detail and the companionship and being able to be a little self-sacrificing, a little intentionality, how much of a turn-on it can be. Or vice versa. Like the wife saying, "Wow, we're at the beach. I'm going to put in a couple of his favorite lingeries or whatever it is, you know, we're going to have some fun together. [00:10:55] So I think there is ways that we're not doing what's natural. It is a little sacrificial, but it really pays off. Laura Dugger: Just being more aware and intentional even in self-sacrificing. Well, and you've written about this before, that expressing empathy is different from agreeing with. Can you share more about that? Dr. Douglas Rosenau: Well, actually, I got to piggyback on these examples of the gender differences because I think that there…
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