Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

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Episode #3x03: Lit Jan 22, 2017

Show notes

Note: This episode was recorded before the Presidential Inauguration. The Women's Marches are going to be YUGE. Trump's inauguration probably won't. AP Choice makes a comeback with questions about credit scores on dating sites, how to make a difference in this new political environment, and Lady Gaga. Shocking news out of Massachusetts: ExxonMobil may have been funding climate change denial propaganda for the past 40 years. By shocking we mean not shocking. The Greatest Show on Earth comes to an end - are zoos next? More at 5. Hidden from the Headlines examines why the Florida state legislature is about to make it legal to bring guns to school. Because why not. #TrumpsAmerica This little finger went to the anus. This little finger did too. This third finger joined them - and oh God that's not a finger. Surprise, bitch! gets Andrew way too excited over a listener who works at a marijuana dispensary. And in this week's After Dark: Laura shares her latest horror story from the Tales of Home-Buying. Millennials get shit on from every direction, but we're still expected to live up to past generation's successes. FUCK YOU MOM.

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Episode #3x02: SimSeed Jan 13, 2017

Show notes

We reminisce on our favorite Obama qualities and the changes he's enacted over the past 8 years. Surprise, bitch! goes terribly awry because of fucking course it does. We welcome Kid Rock to the show. In this week's After Dark: We planned a real conversation, we promise. But some of us just need a dick in the ass first. What's our plan for inauguration day? What do we see going down? The Women's March on Washington next week is expected to have even greater turnout. We sense the mass alignment of menstrual cycles already.

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Episode #3x01: Third Time's The Charm Jan 08, 2017

Show notes

Welcome to 2017. Welcome to season 3. Please manage your expectations for both. Happy New Year, sycophants. Two truths, one lie reveals which of us is the loser that stayed home and got drunk with her dad. Wikishits announces their descent into the 6th Circle of Hell as they plan to release the private information of Twitter users. U.S. intelligence agencies have definitively concluded that Vladimir Putin ordered an "influence campaign" to sway the U.S. presidential election. "U.S. intelligence agencies clearly part of liberal propaganda wheel," reports Breitbart. Sucks to suck: Fox News loses Megyn Kelly to MSNBC. "After our deliberate coverup of Roger Aisles' sexual harassment, we are shocked," said no one anywhere. Hidden from the Headlines ponders what holy angel has gotten into China lately. The Number reveals none of us know what we're talking about. Surprise, Bitch! welcomes a traitor to the show. Thanks for nothing, Jim. In season 3's first installment of After Dark (available to $2+ Patrons!): What constitutes a "hate crime"? A case out of Chicago, wherein four black teenagers live streamed the torture of a white classmate, has the country asking. New year, new laws: we take a look at the laws going into effect around the country this year, including a tax on sugar and a change in online shopping. Help us, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. You're our only hope.

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Episode #2x47: Farm Girls Have Great Calves Dec 18, 2016

Show notes

In our last show of the year, we streamed LIVE for Patrons and welcomed back a long-lost host. Happy birthday, Laura. We hope this embarrasses you, Laura. News jumps off with a report from Aleppo, Syria, where thousands of unarmed civilians have been slaughtered. Know what it is now, Gary? Biden/Obama 2020: Because Obama's departure feels too real after his last-ever press conference of the year. Get into the holiday spirit with our annual GIFT EXCHANGE!!! Who the fuck got Andrew that?! Farm girls have great calves. #FYI Goodbye, 2016. What will 2017 hold? We guess the new year's upcoming headlines. In this episode's After Dark: We bring Devil's Advocate back and challenge ourselves to argue: why was 2016 the best year? (Lol) World peace. Or world destruction. Our individual hopes for the new year vary. Andrew relives a tragic New Years Eve story.

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Episode #2x46: Amazon Go-ing To Kill Jobs Dec 07, 2016

Show notes

In our penultimate “fuck this year” episode, all of our hosts return! Except the other chick “Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games - we got volcanoes exploding.. right in your face.” The Hamilton Mixtape is now available on Spotify! (Or for purchase if you’re 1000 years old). The Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) has been struck down for now, but what will happen under a Trump Presidency? Amazon Go is here to scan your phone for all those dick pics. “Put the Magnums down, Jonathan, the Lifestyles are right in front of you.” Afraid President Pussy Grabber Elect might lose access to his Twitter? Never fear - technology is being expanded so POTUS can use the cellular emergency alert system to let us know what else he thinks is overrated, sad, or bad. Trump the Distractor: Laura explains why the GOP has warmed to Trump, and why all of his gaffes and faux pas are intended to distract us. Meanwhile, Senator Turtle McTurtleton of the Galapagos is threatening to scrap the filibuster if Democrats try to obstruct GOP SCOTUS nominations. Texas is now legally allowed to force aborted fetus burials. Foreign diplomats are staying at Trump hotels in droves because that’s not a conflict of interest. Andrew does another check in on the savings habits of millennials and we still don’t have any. Are you gonna eat that ramen? Surprise, Bitch! brings us to the UK, where Phoebe commiserates with three yanks about the bucket of suck that is watching an alt-reich takeover. Dictionary.com chooses an actual word for this year’s “Word of the Year,” and it’s more evidence that the US needs to take some time to be alone and try to find itself. And this week’s After Dark is available to all $2 Patrons, so don’t miss out on our discussion of Uncle Joe’s remarks about running for President in 2020! Would Joe Biden have won against Trump this year? We invent a series of mostly stupid, somewhat fucked up campaign slogans for Joe. Asking the important questions: Can he beat Kanye?

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Episode #2x45: Won't Let Go Nov 30, 2016

Show notes

It's the Andrew and Matt show on this week's #Millennial, so we're doing things a little differently!

Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday: We recap these four… uh… holidays.
Updates: The New York Times has seen some major growth since the Election, while fake news continues to spin out of control.
We share our thoughts on Disney's latest musical, Moana. Did they try to create another Let It Go 'moment'? Andrew thinks so.
NASA wants help in making it easier for astronauts to poop.
Listeners write in with their questions regarding fandom, heartbreak, Los Angeles, good habits, and holiday traditions.
Surprise Bitch: Redemption Edition. One person answers, another doesn't (but we end up speaking to the latter in After Dark!).

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Episode #2x44: Beautiful Disaster Nov 24, 2016

Show notes

Buckle up, minions: we’re so deep in the Dumpster Fire the theme music is no longer audible.

What are we thankful for? Nothing (except Bruce Springsteen).
Trump was shocked to learn that the leader of the free world tends to live in the nation’s capitol.
Alexander Hamilton has a thing about picking fights with Vice Presidents, which is a convenient distraction for the $25 million Trump University settlement. But for real,
We talk Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (hint: the West Wing circa 2017) BEWARE: Here there be spoilers! Listener Earnie piques Andrew’s interest in being a cross-contintenal road whore. And on this week’s installment of After Dark:
"Hello darkness my old friend,” said the Walmart employee as he ventured into the dimly lit megamart at 3 am for a long day of scanning barcodes and questioning the life choices that led him to this point. Who the fuck goes Black Friday shopping anyway? (hint: Andrew)
Can millennials and our lack of disposable income save future generations of retail workers from this most heinous of shopping holidays?

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Episode #2x43: Beauty and the Fantastic Beasts Nov 15, 2016

Show notes

Well, we’re back from our election trip, and everything is terrible. But we’re kicking this episode off with a soothing meditation session to help you ugly cry those election woes out. Speaking of the election, we’re taking a break from politics this week. Sorry not sorry. We share stories of our adventures in DC, and Laura’s harrowing tale of being bullied by a second grader brings on the feels. Fantastic Beauty and the Beasts starring Hermione Granger coming to a theater near you! New from JKR: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Glowing Japanese Toilets. Apart from electing Orange Hitler, the US fails in other ways: tales of sugar addiction and lack of butt hoses (for that nice clean feeling!). Lauren from Dallas actually answered her phone, so we’ll be “surprising” her exclusively from this point forward. And in this week’s After Dark: Call it a Facebook Newsfeed, they said. It won’t negatively impact the election at all, they said. “Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of puppies and bathes in stem-cell baths daily.” We report - you share to your racist cousin’s wall like a fucking idiot. Is this really happening?

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Episode #2x42: President Elect Nov 10, 2016

Show notes

We're sad y'all. What does this mean for the future of the country? We offer our early reactions and how to cope with such a devastating vote. In the next episode we'll discuss the GOOD parts of hanging out together!

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Episode #2x41: Duel Of The Fates Nov 02, 2016

Show notes

Halloween was an identity crisis for one of us, who faced the toughest Harry Potter quiz of her life. We've got 99 problems and Anthony Weiner is literally all of them. Dumpster Fire: The Penultimate Edition questions how one man's dick can exert so much power. Who will take Florida? How many beers will Andrew drink? Will Laura drunkenly hit on strangers at the bar? These and more important election night predictions. Goodbye, Clusterfuck 2016. We hardly knew ye. Standing Rock Sioux protests against an oil pipeline that would run through their sacred land are finally getting more attention. If you want to help: Call North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple at 701-328-2200. Tell him to stand with Standing Rock. Sign the White House petition here. Donate to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe to help fund their protest efforts. Perhaps most importantly, call the Army Corps of Engineers and demand that they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903 And in this week's After Dark: We discuss our upcoming election trip; Andrew and Laura confess they're nervous. Are we even prepared for the possibility for a Trump win? No.

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