Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

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Episode #3x13: Coming Clean Apr 12, 2017

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An update to ButtGate: someone is forced to tell their boyfriend the truth. "I'm just going to gently spread your labia," said the stranger named Gale. And we let them. The Confessional asks us about vomit and blowjobs, two themes that go together like Andrew and dentists. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN PASSENGERS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE" -United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies. President Trump (hahaha still soul-crushing to write) launches tomahawk missiles in Syria, attacking the airfields President Assad used to launch last week's chemical attack against his own civilians. Someone should've bought baby Trump a game of Risk so he could understand that war is a fucking strategic enterprise not a God damned Atlantic City craps table. Happy Passover, Jewish friends! This holiday, kick back and let White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer school you on Holocaust history. #KnowledgeIs(White)Power Surprise, bitch! continues to be an actual fucking bitch. In this week's After Dark: Laura's quarter-life crisis continues as she details the many policies that are holding first time home-buyers (such as herself) back. Andrew is down to clown with the nearest real estate agent willing to waive closing costs. Life sucks.

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Episode #3x12: The Power of Pepsi Apr 06, 2017

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The prodigal son returns: welcome back, Matthew. The city of Atlanta has decided to become a literal dumpster fire; meanwhile, the DC dumpster fire rages on as Steve Bannon is yanked from his NSC post - by none other than the Trumpster himself. Andrew recounts another hang and bang story with some show listeners. Friends and family members of airline employees strike back with some listener feedback - tl;dr if you’re flying for free, don’t be a dick or dress like a hobo. In News, we cover a myriad of cheerful tales such as chemical attacks in Syria and the stolen SCOTUS seat and impending filibuster of Neil Gorsuch. Andrew saves us with some tech talk. Student loan debt holders have 99 problems and they’re all Navient/Fedloan. Devil’s advocate forces Laura and Matt to defend Pepsi’s latest advertising gaffe. Nothing says “grab a Pepsi” like racial discrimination and police brutality! Surprise, Bitch! returns. Prepare to be disappointed. And on this week’s edition of After Dark: We have a voicemail number specifically for Patrons! Call and tell us to call barf bag of ice. UN Women and Mexico City Officials have installed “penis seats” on metro cars in an effort to show men what it feels like to get an unwelcome boner rubbed on your ass during your daily commute. Mens’ reactions range from discomforted chuckles to deep offense, which is a bit of an overreaction - the seats are just paying them a compliment. Andrew and Matt argue about why movie theater attendance is up. Laura goes catatonic.

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Episode #3x11: Girthy Man Snake Mar 28, 2017

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United Airlines: Fly the Unfriendly Skies. Three women - including a 10 year old girl - are kicked off a United flight for wearing leggings. Yes. Seriously. Hidden from the Headlines takes us to Brazil, where we say goodbye to the Amazon rainforest and oxygen more generally. If you want to help the rainforests, donate or get involved here, and/or just succumb to the Whole Foods hipster life. Fuck Off, Cupid introduces us to pickup lines so egregiously bad, we question evolution. In this week's After Dark: Uber, Lyft, GrubHub, OKCupid - the rise of smartphone apps has led to a growing conversation about whether these services are responsible for user safety. Yes, even GrubHub has horror stories. Laura reports.

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Episode #3x10: Fwd: Andrew Wants British Penis Mar 20, 2017

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#Millennial comes back from Spring Break with a bang. And a lot of embarrassment for Andrew. Speaking of our star host: 80 years later, Andrew finally went to the dentist. What sordid diseases did they find? Fwd: Andrew likes British penis - the title of an actual email, from an actual listener, who experienced a Close Encounter of the Andrew Kind on Tindr. Should he have said "hook up"? Beauty and The Beast gets positive reviews, even from folks who didn't care to see it. Will Belle finally address her Stockholm Syndrome? A high school teenager in the Mid-West went viral last week after her school sent her home for exposing her shoulders. The girls get angry. The Number reveals one of us spends too much money on Pokemon incubators. And in this week's Special, Forever-Long Edition of After Dark: We make up for our Spring Break stint with a special appearance by Andrew's little brother, Ryan, who reveals precisely how he found out Andrew was gay... years before he officially came out. Spoiler alert: video footage. #TheresAnAppForThat Okay guys. Let's dive into TrumpCare. What does the GOP's new healthcare bill actually do, and who would it most directly affect? A Confessional has us feeling all kinds of Dr. Phil-y as we dissect the complexities of friendship. Thankfully we can offer completely objective advice given we don't have friends.

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Episode #3x09: Public Space Mar 02, 2017

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Rabbit rabbit ya'll! Whatever the fuck that means. Andrew reveals his deep jealousy of the girls' friendship. We welcome Ian and Zee to the show to discuss last episode's Confessional from a self-described transphobic listener. They open up about their own experiences, common misconceptions, and how we can each help the trans community. Trump cripples the Clean Water Act, which the whole country relies on for clean drinking water, but ha ha it's okay it's not like we need that to live. #blessed Do 1st amendment rights apply to robots? They should when they're recording you. Amazon fights to keep Echo users' personal privacy intact from law enforcement. We're off next week for Spring Break, but don't worry, we're sure nothing big will happen between now and then. And in this week's After Dark: Laura and Andrew discuss the not-State of the Union address. Shit. Is he learning how to sound presidential? Healthcare was a prominent topic, as was this VOICE nonsense. We discuss both matters and praise low co-pays.

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Episode #3x08: TS (No) A Feb 22, 2017

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To anal, or not to anal? What you've all been waiting for: the answers to what happened in Aruba. Columbia University accepts, then unaccepts, 277 applicants. In related news: 277 teenagers are spared the trauma of attending Columbia. Should food stamps be used to buy candy and soda? The State of Maine asks, #Millennial (kind of?) answers. #ItGetsBetter is more than just a catchy phrase: a new study finds that since gay marriage laws were passed, the teen suicide rate has dropped. Michigan State has 99 problems but a whiteboard ain't one. Where were you when Sweden was attacked by its immigrant population? We can't remember. Neither can Sweden. Listener feedback unravels a deep, serious confession from somebody admitting to being transphobic. We welcome the thoughts and experiences of any trans listeners who would like to respond on the next episode. MAKE THAT DENTIST APPOINTMENT YET ANDREW? And in this week's After Dark: How to Adult 101: Listeners have questions about commuting to work, buying homes, and getting married. Our advice can be summed up as: don't get married, have a funeral instead, coffins < solo cups, and fuck commutes longer than 10 minutes.

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Episode #3x07: Shades of Single Feb 14, 2017

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1/4 of our panel is celebrating Valentine's Day in Aruba, so the rest of us are here to talk shit on her. We're not jealous or anything. The Grammy's were just asking for #GrammysSoWhite to trend, and they lived down to expectations. Something something 50 shades something Katy Perry. Laura and Andrew both became single in time for Valentine's Day and have an 85% match on OKC. OTP! Listener feedback leaves us feeling like we're still too old for that clubbing shit and that sexuality is weird. Tracking Trump is a our new segment in which we attempt to contain the diatonic new world order to 10 minutes of our show. It still feels like shit, sorry. AP choice asks us to relive our best and worst years, for book recommendations, and our thoughts on Jason Carter using a certain four word expletive on Twitter. Laura and Matt rock our new favorite game - Who said it - Voldemort or Steve Bannon? And on this week's edition of After Dark: Given the extreme weather events we're seeing in Louisiana, Northern California, and the northeastern United States, we want to tell you some sweet cozy stories about times we've nearly died in natural disasters. All you need to know is that there is a weather phenomena called a "microburst" that will make you want to nope off of this planet. Our stories of earthquake and tornado survival pale in comparison to one listener's story of surviving an avalanche. Fuck. That. Shit.

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Episode #3x06: That's My Boy Feb 07, 2017

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There may be big changes coming for one of us over Valentine's Day. Stay tuned. Listener feedback takes a dump on Andrew and weaves a tale of panties and bushes. We guarantee we're the only podcast that will go from anal to the Constitution. #blessed "Fuck those immigrants, amirite?!" -Native Americans and/or Donald Trump We discuss Betsy DeVos (Note: This episode was recorded before she was confirmed as Education Secretary). One gay, two gay, three gays, four. Five gays, six gays, seven homos more. A new survey reveals Americans greatly overestimate the size of the LGBTQ community. Adam Sandler, or a gay club? Matt gives us the name. We guess (badly). And in this week's After Dark: #NeverForget the Bowling Green Massacre. We each share our stories of where we were on that fateful day. How, and why, does the Trump administration get away with such outrageous lies? What's their strategy here?

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Episode #3x05: Long Distance Lovin' Feb 03, 2017

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In Good News, the Boy Scouts are now cool with transgendered youth joining their organization. Hollywood no longer hates Mel Gibson, which is SAD! Will Facebook's latest News Feed changes have a positive effect on curbing fake news? Our $10 Patron offer a few discussion topics, including feeling useless when you're in a Democratic state like California, and long distance relationships. And this week in After Dark: How do you stay sane during these difficult times? We offer a few solutions, including major social media breaks and escaping to other worlds.

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Episode #3x04: Alternate Facts Jan 26, 2017

Show notes

With Andrew missing in action, we decide to display some of our own #alternatefacts. Tourists. Good for the economy. Bad for literally everything else. Listener Feedback asks for our advice on how to handle Trump-loving relatives and traveling alone. We provide zero insight. News kicks off with the Women's Marches: a movement, or just a moment? And why liberals can sometimes be their own worst enemy. President Insecurity is determined to make Americans believe he won the popular vote... by upending confidence in our democratic system! Why not! #FuckIt Snapchat is let off the hook after one of its stupid features inspires a stupid woman to drive 100 MPH and cause a major stupid traffic accident. Devil's Advocate asks us to argue in favor of some of Trump's first Executive Orders. Our souls wither. And in After Dark: A quick look at how the cabinet is shaping up, but really, not really. This gets weird fast as we decide to take a break from serious news and just shoot the shit. We accept Andrew's firing of us all. The perfect penis? Pre-sex hygiene habits? Pegging? This After Dark has it all. Except class.

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