Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

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Episode #3x33: Surprise, Everyone Sep 08, 2017

Show notes

-FUCK IT. WE'L DO IT LIVE. But seriously we're doing this live, buckle up. -We've completely revamped our Patreon benefits so that they're simpler, but better, than ever before. Example: personalized, handwritten letters from one of the hosts are coming your way. Check it out at Patreon.com/Millennial -Surprise, bitch...es! -The sky is blue, water is wet, and Russia fucked with our election. -Star Wars director Colin Trevorrow is giving us all anxiety about the future of the saga with his mysterious departure. -President Trump has officially rescinded DACA, the program that allowed undocumented people who were brought here as children to stay. In related news, has anyone seen this country's soul? Anyone? Hello? -Hurricane Irma is on the move, and we take listener feedback from Texans with a bit of knowledge on the subject. -Google That Shit makes a weird but glorious comeback. "Why is Trump's..." And in this week's After Dark: -Micah and The Chair: the Untold Story of the Muggle Who Doesn't Move. -"Thank you soooooooo much!" Laura couldn't be on, so we take turns answering personal questions as though we were her. -Oh, and a bit of actual news: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has announced she's rescinding Title IX protections for survivors of campus sexual assault. We ask again: anyone seen our soul???

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Episode #3x32: Ladies Night Aug 30, 2017

Show notes

It's ladies night! And the girls outline a newly-revamped Patreon. MuggleFuck: A History. Coming to a theater near you. Hurricane Harvey breaks records as the largest and most intense hurricane in Texas history. We discuss the ramifications and encourage everyone to donate: The Houston Food Bank The SPCA of Texas Texas Diaper Bank Who is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? Why did he get a pardon? When will he assume his final form as a factory reject dildo? Fact: if you blame children for the decisions of their parents, you're a self-righteous piece of shit. #DACA On this installment of After Dark: AFTER DARK: GAME OF THRONES EDITION. Spoilers are coming. What the fuck was up with the time travel this season?! WHY IS EVERYONE EXCUSING IT So wights can't swim... except when they can. Dat finale tho...

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Episode #3x31: He Was Blinded Aug 24, 2017

Show notes

BLIIIIIINDED BY THE LIGHT, wrapped up like a douche you know the rumor is you're tight. (Nailed it.) BANNON. IS. OUT! But T-Swift is about to be back in. Bigly. Remember that place "Afghanistan"? Where we've been at war for 16 years? Yeah, that's still happening. "War is peace" and "climate change is 'weather extremes'," according to Big Brother. And you love Big Brother. Disney is divorcing Netflix and, as usual, the kids are the ones who suffer. Surprise, bitch! makes a grand re-entrance to the show as we call not one, not two, but three listeners... all of whom are too mature for their own good. Associate Producer's Choice and Listener Feedback make us think more critically about the removal of confederate statues, and how to handle dating someone who's religious when you're not. In this installment of After Dark: What. The fuck. Was that. Trump's rally in Phoenix, Arizona revealed the most unhinged, incoherent and tone-deaf president in modern times. Explain It Like I'm 5: Laura's new game for us, wherein we're asked to explain shit we don't understand in terms that a five-year-old would. Andrew understands Game of Thrones better than actual fans.

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Episode #3x30: Not Silent Aug 17, 2017

Show notes

"In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King Jr. imparted wisdom that still speaks to us today. So let's not stay silent. Charlottesville, Virginia was a repugnant display of violent racism. We try to break down what happened, why, and what the real takeaways should be. THERE IS NO "ALL SIDES" HERE. THERE'S THE NAZI SIDE AND THEN THERE'S THE SIDE FIGHTING THEM. FULL STOP. ZERO ROOM FOR NUANCE. GTFO. We want to hear from people of color and Jewish listeners, so we place some calls and get some insightful remarks. A new round of The Confessional lightens the mood slightly, and Andrew promises to turn over a new leaf. And in this week's After Dark: David from London writes in with his insight into last week's conversation about women in the tech industry. There's sexism, for sure, but it's often misplaced. Associate Producer's Choice asks us to conjure Harry Potter-themed pregnancy announcement ideas. Announcing: a new service that lets you go to the movies an unlimited number of times, for just $10 a month. Cue: AMC having a meltdown.

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Episode #3x29: Repent Aug 10, 2017

Show notes

Who the hell gets married over Facetime? After only dating for 3 weeks? Well, let us tell you. It's the end of the world as we know it, and we feel like it's a good time to cleanse our souls. We discuss rising tensions with North Korea and take a BUNCH of your pre-apocalypse confessions. Say it with me now: FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. Hawaii becomes the first state to ban texting while... crossing the street? What the fuck kind of micromanaging shit is this? Thanks Obama. Trump TV: The next spiraling slope down our descent into fascism. Listener feedback reveals Andrew is not above slutting up our listeners. And in this week's After Dark: Get up close and personal in our private lives, including a new (and relatively major) relationship development. Pro-tips: do things apart sometimes. Have hobbies and a life outside your partner. Always flush the toilet.

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Episode #3x28: OUT! Aug 04, 2017

Show notes

Pay for Bae: how should couples split things like dates and bills? Is it okay for that dynamic to be lopsided? How are trends (and gender norms) affecting this discussion? AP Choice asks us how to start a new podcast. We have literally no good advice. And in this week's (long) After Dark: We air out our guilty pleasures and learn about some… weird ways of making sure you're all clear to poop. AIM is a treasure trove of embarrassing, 10-year-old conversations between the hosts back in their tender teens. We read through some and regret it instantly.

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Episode #3x27: Nine Jul 28, 2017

Show notes

Hey what's going on guys? Anything new? Been a pretty slow news week? NOT. But first, listener feedback spends some time sucking Laura's dick. Trump announces... via tweet... a ban on transgender troops. #FUCK. #YOU. What's worse: Trump shitting on Sessions, or Sessions gleefully smearing it all over his own face? "It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right - I hope you had the time of your liiiiiiiife." Goodbye Spicey. The CDC releases a new study finding that half of all female homicide victims are killed by their partners. The girls, sadly, aren't surprised. Devil's Advocate begs Spicey to come back. And in this week's After Dark: HOW. DEEP. IS YOUR LOOOOOVE? Trump might take his relationship with Putin to the next level. Andrew dishes the details on Kyle. A very... personal game of "Never Have I Ever" engenders some raw confessions about phone sex, break ups, SPITTING???, and uncomfortable secrets.

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Episode #3x26: United Jul 21, 2017

Show notes

ANDREW. MEETS. KYLE!!! And the crowd roars. (See photo below) Ten years after the release of Deathly Hallows, Laura reflects on her life choice. Andrew airs those life choices for all to see on Patreon. MySpace struggles with a serious security flaw that lets you log into someone's profile with just their birthday and email address. In related news: the hosts learn MySpace still exists. "If I'd known he wouldn't be a willing pawn in my sham government, I wouldn't have picked him!" said the President of the United States. ALMOST VERBATIM. LIKE REALLY. Obamacare lives... for now. Don't drop your guard. And don't pretend you're never gonna fly United again cause you fuckin will. Hidden from the Headlines: our own imminent death. Surprise, bitch! and AP Choice make comebacks, with a question about the Founding Fathers that was divinely inspired just for one of us. And this week in After Dark: We parse the ramifications of John McCain's cancer diagnosis and pray to all that is holy he'll be all right. Voicemails!!! Ya'll need Jesus. Devil's Advocate takes a swing at Warren Buffett and the abhorrent practice of charitable giving. #BootstrapsNation

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Episode #3x25: Covfefe Party Jul 14, 2017

Show notes

America is all "ain't no party like a covfefe party cause the covfefe party don't stop" or some shit like that. - The found footage nightmare of our favorite haunted house is coming soon to a Patreon near you. - Donald Trump Jr, the little engine that colluded: when life gives you Russians, rig an election. - Net Neutrality is in danger and why you should care. Tweet @AjitPaiFCC and let the FCC director know you want to stream that Japanese Bukake in HD without being throttled because Pornhub can pay for a faster connection. - A confessional by a millennial about millennials rankles some of the hosts. And in this week's episode of After Dark: - What to do about douchebag relatives? No really, tell us - we're actually asking. - How relatives can put strain on your marriage, and some advice for remaining a unit in the face of familial fuckery.

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Episode #3x24: Safe, Not Sexy Jul 06, 2017

Show notes

We're live streaming the episode on Patreon! Throughout the episode our supporters chat with us.
The next iPhone will be getting rid of the fingerprint scanner. We wonder what this experience will be like for those of us with double or triple chins.
The rest of the show is all about the listeners! We do a Surprise Bitch call who's being all Hollywood on us from Pittsburgh.
In AP Choice, our listeners ask about feeling confident in yourself and comedy specials.
Three confessionals focus on family, virginity, and blowjobs -- three of God's favorite things. That last one brings up a whole fight over condom BJs.
Voicemails request our Game of Thrones predictions and ask us to praise Canada in honor of their 150th anniversary.
In recommendations, Andrew says to go to the Museum while Laura says to leave State Farm.
This week in After Dark we talk about an e-mail from Luke who asks about compulsory voting. Why isn't it a thing in America? Also, what the hell are sausage sizzles?

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