Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

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Episode #3x23: Daily Mix 1 Jun 29, 2017

Show notes

Patrons are in for some sleepless nights next week. Brace yourselves for a ghost tour. Voicemails makes a triumphant return with a hilarious drunk message for the hosts. "3 kisses are demanded upon entry of the abode, whether morning or night, on pain of death." Relationship contracts are a thing. What would be in ours? "Transparency is that thing that happens when I pee, right? The burning sensation?" -President Trump, who refuses to broadcast any of his press briefings for the first time in (televised) presidential history Lose/lose: a new study found that pregnant women are judged in the workplace no matter what they do. Working women around the globe feign shock and surprise. Hidden from the Headlines reveals Norway is one bad mothafucka. 73% of Democrats would give up ________ to see Trump impeached tomorrow. Fill in the blank with us on The Number. And in this week's After Dark: A study reveals Google knows a fuck more about us than we'd even guessed - and Andrew gets real. Google That Shit tells us more about ourselves than others. Speaking of Andrew: life update! Find out which city he'll be moving to in a few months and how best to stalk him.

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Episode #3x22: Bobby Newport Jun 21, 2017

Show notes

Introducing: #Millennial voicemails. A way for you to harass us and an even better way for us to laugh at you. Not in my house: liberals get a' talkin' to for some blatant, disturbing hypocrisy that's run roughshod over the Otto Warmbier story. Justice is an elusive hero, and this week, we question whether it's just that a girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself is found guilty of voluntary manslaughter. Gun Rights Matter, unless you're black. We lament the tragic outcome in the Philandro Castile case. Amazon and Whole Foods, sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g. Patron's Choice topics and a quick game of Who Said It? round out this mess of a show. And in this week's After Dark: It's the economy, stupid: but the economy is changing. For the first time ever, solar jobs outnumber coal jobs in Virginia. Questions to Make You Fall in Love: Part III. The Dark and Dirty. When did you last cry by yourself? What would you regret most if you suddenly died tomorrow?

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Episode #3x21: Theresa Mayyyyyybe I Shouldn't Have Done That Jun 14, 2017

Show notes

Breaking personal, family-related news sends the hosts into shock... and pride. The Confessional asks for advice on a Friends With Benefits situation. Step one: don't live with your ex's family. Sometimes we should worry about what's NOT making headlines. America's Dad is about to have his life shattered and we couldn't be happier. "Why, this line of questioning is givin' me a case of the vapors!" -Attorney General of the United States Ya done fucked up, poppet: U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May initiates a snap election and nothing goes according to plan. Chip chip. Surprise, bitch! introduces us to a much cooler Laura. And in this week's After Dark: 36 Questions That Lead to Love: By Psychologist Buzzfeed We dive into these questions, legit formulated by a popular psychologist, to see whether they can make us like each other. "Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?" delivers.

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Episode #3x20: We're Still In Jun 07, 2017

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Women and girls across the globe shout COME AT ME BRO into the night, emboldened by the power and mystique of Wonder Woman. Associate Producer's Choice - topics submitted by our rockin' sockin' $10 Patrons - gets goofy. #EatEverything "I'm here to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not the citizens of Paris," said a president who REALLY THINKS PARIS CAME UP WITH THE PARIS ACCORD?? REALLY? But actually. What is the Paris Climate Accord? What did it do, and why did Trumpacolypse withdraw the United States from it? If you're just as infuriated as we are, demand your mayor and governor join wearestillin.com Bill Maher ain't no Mark Twain. He's just a dick who used the N word. But what should be done about it? Apple creates a new kind of "Do Not Disturb" mode, presumably for people who like to carry phones but not use them. #wut Hidden from the Headlines: Puerto Rico. And the Founding Fathers spit on us. In this week's After Dark: COMING SOON: COMEY'S REVENGE. THURSDAY. 9:30 AM. BE THERE, and we'll record and release our reactions to the hearing immediately after.

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Episode #3x19: Growin' Up May 23, 2017

Show notes

Happy birthday to our own Founding Father, Andrew Simsjefferson, without whom none of us would be here. (He is our literal dad.) Getting an IUD is like entering the Gates of Hell and your doctor is Lucifer. We start news off on a serious note, as reports roll in of a terrorist attack in Manchester, UK. Why a concert venue? Why Ariana Grande? Look at these young whippersnappers with their funny clothes and rock music! Hmph. The Russia investigation heats up and goes full fucking General Hospital on our asses with even more mounting drama. What's the end game here? Hidden from the Headlines: Actual News. New Justice Department policies and White House budget proposals may upend millions of lives, but few people are talking about it. Surprise, bitch! gets flirty. In this week's After Dark: The Spin Room: Matt and Andrew put on their best Sean Spicer suit and defend the president. Thank you for your question. Can an old tv show make new waves? With the country in chaos, television is quickly becoming everyone's favorite escape.

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Episode #3x18: Slow News Week May 18, 2017

Show notes

What's been going on this week, guys? Nothing? Yeah, same here. EXCEPT WHAT THE FUCK. Someone at the FBI leaks a memo former Director James Comey wrote wherein he describes Trump pressuring him to drop his investigation - meanwhile, President Fuhrer tells the Russians ALL KINDS OF CLASSIFIED SHIT Oh and P.S. a special prosecutor has been appointed to take on the Russia-Trump investigation. No big. Does anything else even matter? Yes, as it turns out, because no one can afford homes (or food) anymore. One journalist suggests Millennials cut back on the avocado toast. Mmmkay. Hidden from the Headlines digs into some partisan shenanigans going on in North Carolina. Surprise, Bitch! gives us blue balls once again. And, oh yeah, we did also talk about Harry Styles and baby gravy at the top. Yes, you read that right. In this week's After Dark: Why stop at avocado toast? Cut out ALL the fun things! We delve into our own weird habits and guilty pleasures that are keeping us from being homeowners. Listeners chime in. A small nugget of economic theory is your prize for listening.

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Episode #3x17: Loyalty May 14, 2017

Show notes

Andrew, Laura, and Matt recap their recent adventures: Andy's back on the east coast, Laura is about to own a home, and Matt's saying bye to his parents. All of this is good news, it seems.
- Andrew extends his in-person interactions with #Millennial listeners to a new level: Dating.
- Frankly, there's only one news story to discuss this week: Comey. We offer a quick recap of the week and what it means for the future.
- Is it possible to dislike Comey AND dislike Trump's decision? Yes, absolutely. Come on, crazy Republicans.
- Family Feud: Trump Adjectives Edition.
- The Number: What's the age that 20 - 26 year olds think it's lame to move in with your parents? Andrew shudders to read the answer.
- In Surprise Bitch, Andrew and Laura apologize for ghosting one of our listeners.
- Laura recommends El Techo in San Francisco's Mission, if any of you want to eat in style.
- In After Dark, we discuss recent cybersecurity flaws that've wrecked havoc across the globe. What can we do to keep ourselves secure? Or should we just throw our hands up and admit nothing can keep us safe?

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Episode #3x16: Why Civil War? May 05, 2017

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Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Fuher Laura. YOU get manipulated! *YOU* get manipulated! EVERYONE. GETS. MANIPULATED!!! -Oprah if she worked for Facebook. Why was there a Civil War? What was slavery? Is the sky blue? What's even, like, REAL, man? President Trump asks the tough questions and the lamestream media just doesn't get it. Shutdowns and border walls and bombs, OH MY! A budget deal was struck and Commander Cockwaffle isn't having it. Amazon Echo: For the sadomasochist in all of us. Brought to you by Matt, copyright 2017. And in this week's After Dark: We decide to get more personal than usual (yup, it's possible) and discuss the nitty gritty details of our love lives - with the explicit goal of embarrassing each other in front of our boyfriends. Some of whom are present. We each describe how our first kisses went down. Surprises abound. Welcome to Jeopardy, with your host, Awkward Vanna White!

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Episode #3x15: DO IT LIVE!!! Apr 25, 2017

Show notes

Et tu, Brute? Laura betrays the sisterhood and someone gets salty AF. 13 Reasons Why Not to Watch This Show, and the Unicorn Frapp: a monster of our own design. THERE'S NO WORDS ON IT. FUCKIN THING SUCKS. -Bill O'Reilly, or #Millennial listeners? Bye boi! Let's talk about France, baby, let's talk about you and oui. The French presidential election is freaking people the fuck out, and for good reason. What do you want to hear on your death bed? "You are loved"? "Heaven is real"? "Donald Trump's in prison"? Are the last two the same thing? The hosts investigate. Uber gets a smackdown from Apple and Andrew starts his own religion. And in After Dark: Hidden From the Headlines: Dow Chemical asks President Thundercunt to ignore a new government study that found Dow's pesticides are fuckin up 1,800 endangered animals. "WHAT WILL DONALD DO?!" wonders nobody. "Dear Diary, I am about to receive terrible advice. But here's go nothing." We respond to a few listeners' requests for sage life wisdom.

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Episode #3x14: Seize The Moment Apr 18, 2017

Show notes

Welcome to #Millennial where the hosts are all in the midst of quarter life crises. In Hashing It Out: Andrew is picking up and moving across the country. Things he doesn't have space for: standing desks and his dog. Laura is buying a money pit. Matt is working up the gumption to move across the hall. Andrew's heading to Atlanta as Laura makes a major life step. As for Matt? He just bought a Nintendo Switch. Jesus may have come back on Easter and all, but can't we agree he's just a one-trick pony at this point? Snapchat is doomed, but Instagram stories are here for all of Andrew's sex taping needs! Infowars' resident sociopath and MAGA baseball cap conossieur Alex Jones must admit he's either a playing the role of a neo-Nazi or a shitty dad. (Spoiler: it's both.) United airlines has decided to give peace a chance by softening their ass beating de-boarding policy to simply deny boarding to paying customers in favor of last minute crew bookings. Surprise Bitch leaves the hosts content now that someone finally answered - welcome to the show, Mallory! Since you picked up we won't shit talk you. And in this week's edition of After Dark: We share our most embarrassing sex stories, from losing our virginity all the way to weird dirty talk. Life pro tip: anal and poop go hand in hand. Our listeners outdo us with their sparkly purple dildos, though.

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