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You’re Welcome w/ Zoe Nightingale — Society & Culture
You’re Welcome w/ Zoe Nightingale

You’re Welcome is a satirical improv comedy show whose goal is to find and share peoples stories, from all over the world.

Each episode is unique and can range from 5 minutes to an hour, and will feature a brand new topic usually with someone Zoe has just met. This podcast is not for the faint of heart, buckle up.

ABOUT YOU’RE WELCOME

Like most brilliant ideas, this show was started over a molotov concoction of alcohol and various illicit substances. Zoe had given up on her life long dream, of being the female Howard Stern years ago but finally set out armed with a folding table, a couple lawn chairs, and a foam board sign that read “Free Sex Advice.” One by one strangers stopped what they were doing and sat down to talk to them about their lives.

We’d like to take this moment to thank you for coming to our site and leave you with the eternal words of Oscar Wilde:

“I was under the impression that inordinate joviality can atone for an entire lack of class”

This show is done for one reason only, to bring laughter and remind you that we are all the same.

Copyright: © All rights reserved

Latest Episodes:

Coke isn't Addictive!? I Should Know I've Been Using it For Years Oct 24, 2015

Show notes

You spend your entire life thinking you are nothing like your parents while simultaneously trying to figure out how it's possible you are a combination of their genes. Then slowly, as you start to pay your own bills, establish your adulthood and form a friendship with them they begin to let down their parental shields and open up a John Malcovitch portal into their brain and you realize, FUCK ME, we are the same. THEN i imagine you spend the rest of your life watching in horror as you slowly become their doppleganger. Maybe the avalanche doesn't really happen until you have your own children and you catch yourself saying things you swore as a youth you would NEVER do..but I must tell you, my parents continue to surprise and shock me even thirty years after I met them. This story, told to me as we were washing the plates after Friday night dinner FLOORED me. I always knew my dad was a bit of a rebel without a cause, but this story takes place in the beginning of the 70's where he was a Lawyer working for a part of the Government was all about ethics and regulations! Makes sense. I got it from my poppa. Good for him. If I god forbid get tricked by my apparent ticking time bomb judas ovaries into having one of those babies everyone keeps raving about, these are the kind of parents I would want to be. This is my main issue with parenthood, the parents all seem to turn into zombie 28 days later hosts for the new lifeforce. I can totally see why creating a mini me and filling it with all the information I felt like my parents never taught me would have some curb appeal. But it turns out being a parent is so darn difficult, just keeping them alive its a gosh darn miracle let alone actually make them cool and socially adjusted with good taste in music and a good heart. I don't know. So anyway never mind my rambling, another testament to how much I love my parents and how much fun it always is to learn new things about who they are and where they came from.

Zoe, What is a Road Head? Oct 23, 2015

Show notes

So I've been spending more time with my parents because they are, lets face it, the absolute fucking best ever of all time. I've been struggling to find inspiration in NYC...and kind of moping around which is antithetical to my entire core of who I believe myself to be. So I went home to spend some time with my creators, and remember just how lucky I am to have chosen my amazing mother as a portal into this universe. I have developed a really new fun game where I ask my parents to define dirty words. It's the best. Sometimes I can't tell if they're fucking with me, as if they have their own secret game where they see if they can make me believe that it's possible, plausible or probable that they wouldn't know what road head is. Wouldn't it be amazing if they were drinking wine laughing at MY gullibility when I finally went to bed. Doubtful, but anyway, as I continue to work on the more difficult burning man episodes (next one launches NOV 1) I have some wonderful short family pieces to hopefully make you laugh in the meantime. Sending you SO MUCH LOVE. Zoe

Mom Are You Ready to Go To The Playa Pussy Day Spa....Part 2 Oct 06, 2015

Show notes

My mother and I continue to fall down the rabbit hole further and further. I woke up Day 1, and found out that my mother and aunt Peggles were already out dancing at District. District is the craziness most bananas day party where various creatures of all shapes sizes and colors crawl out of their make shift homes and get grimy on the dance floor. I show up and where is my family, but at the very top of the three story dance floor, dancing with nekid super cute young men. I mean duh. I got it from my momma i guess. Anyway, in a flash she was off, on her own adventures, and coming back to camp with wild stories of wanton abandon. I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU MOM. Your bravery, openness and willingness to challenge yourself has always given me such pride. May we all learn to conquer our fears and doubt with such grace. I am still very much learning to tackle mine. Music: I feel Free: Cream Editor: audio god David Herman. I LOVE YOU DAVID. This photo was taken at my Bat Mitzvah where I was being a total asshole.

Mom Reacts To Burning Man Episode Sep 30, 2015

Show notes

Secret for patreon!

Mom Are You Ready to Get Schtuped....? Part 1 Sep 29, 2015

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Question: What happens when you take 5 east coast super jews whose idea of camping includes 4,000 Egyptian sateen blend sheets and a penchant for obsessing over food, logistics, weather and being on time and leave them helpless to fend for themselves in a desert populated with 70,000 insane asylum escapees with only ME as their way finder? MAGIC BABY. I have been plotting for this moment basically my whole life. I have always been different, always been the fly in my families ointment. While they love me, they've never really understood what the deviled egg I was ever wearing, saying, doing. My resistance to getting a "real job" my failure to get a masters. My insistence on spending my life traveling like dandelion spore in the wind. While they have always supported me, they have always questioned me, rolled their eyes and muttered old yiddish expressions under their breath whenever I would tell them about my newest adventure business idea or travel plans. We have always been incredibly close, but as the years went by and people moved away, had children, settled down we naturally grew apart. I stayed crazy, they all stayed sane. It's like the quote in dazed and confused, I get older, they all stay the same age. I needed to ruffle their feathers. To take away their cell phones, their addiction to work and process. I needed them to get lost, be confused, fend for themselves against the elements, let fate take them on a Icarus ride straight to the sun. I needed them to understand the joy I have felt my whole life being free so they in turn could understand me. Everyone I told my plan to for the last five years has shook their head and said you're crazy. I would never take my family there. Looking back on it, it was absolutely nothing short of brilliant. My mother and I switched places, I got to be her teacher and she my child. After it, have never been so full of love, hope and excitement for my future. I have never felt stronger, or like there is nothing I cannot conquer. This was an exhausting exhilarating rollarcoaster where I faced my past, my present and future fears all at once. Where my family each was torn down and left with a tabla rossa to completely reinvent who they were. I got to watch as my mother went through a sexual revolution that I believe will allow her to find the partner worthy of sharing her amazing life with. No matter who you are and what kind of relationship you have with your family, you can get deeper, you can face your judgements about one another and admit you failures and come into a kind of honesty and acceptance that I didn't know was possible. To my amazing family, I LOVE YOU. Music: Tradition: from Fiddler on the Roof Do You Wanna Touch ME: Joan Jett This episode was edited by my new AMAZING Audio Alchemist (slave) David Herman he is a fucking bad ass and used to work for Freakonomics can you believe this shit. So expert a higher level of PRO from my usual gutter bargain basement editing. HURRAY

My Lowest Point Sep 29, 2015

Show notes

Bonus episode! Just a really silly bonus episode I wasn't going to air, but I had to take a sledgehammer to my first burning man episode I had created and start from scratch due to a combination of my total incompetence and a tired mac book air that gave out on me last night. Anyone wanna donate a computer to the you're welcome team? Fuck. My best friend Ben who came to burning man with me and my family explaining his lowest point. Excuse my cackle laughter, he makes me laugh so much and we had been at the burn for four days and I had been screaming for days and days while inhaling gallons of toxic prehistoric battery acid dust that had destroyed my previous vocal cords. (he's the one in the silly hat) He does bring up a good point however. Where does all this shame come from?

Would Mother Schtuper Be Better? Sep 24, 2015

Show notes

Why is it such a bad thing to want to fuck mothers? How is it possible that I still live in a world where I can't call my friends (who I assure you ARE) motherfuckers, on festive party buttons and stickers? How am I supposed to plan bachelor parties and baby showers for my male friends if my freedom of speech is shat upon by this amish minded company? How am I still having conversations like this? We live in a world where a video of too girls pooing into a cup was a cultural revolution. When the deviled egg are the hilarious Christian conservative super prudes going to admit defeat. The battle of good vs evil is over. The devil won. Turn on the news, just watch the Rebublican presidential debates for proof. Let me print my buttons in peace. Sheesh. Editors note. My father thought this was a boring uninspired episode. He may be right. Bear with me. I am getting through all my new material slowly! Music by: Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol

I've Got a Secret, I've Been Hiding, Under my SKIN Sep 15, 2015

Show notes

I was invited to record You're Welcome at a Art Gallery opening for a realistic sex exhibit last week but I had taken shelter in the summer air, because the inside of the pop up gallery literally smelled like the inside of an ovary. This was due to the lack of air conditioning in a alphabet city basement that was stuffed to the gills with 100 super quaffed/perfumed fashion week model/actor types all wearing Amish hats. My girlfriend described the smell as "mangey minge" I thought it smelled like the inside of an otter's pocket. I must say it lent a realistic atmosphere to huge paintings of double penetrated v's. ANYWAY as I was cooling off, and I see this wonderful man, who could have been a character in Zoolander, with what I thought was a hilarious fashion Snork Snorkel so obviously I forced him to come share what the deviled egg was going on. Basically he's a super lovely Cyborg who no longer identifies as human, and he's launching a campaign to open the first Cyborg Institute to help others use the same technology to enhance their lives. I don't know whether I'm happy about this or not. I actually can't imagine anything worse than having a device installed in my head that would make me love Times Square. There will be no limit to where this goes once it gets started. I for one am an analog girl living in a digital world. I want less and less technology. But as cars become driverless, computers get put in front of our eyes, porn becomes 3D through oculus rift, sex dolls get heartbeats, google launches balloons to blanket the world with free Wifi...I guess I wave the white flag. Pretty soon i'm going to have to move into a log cabin get a shot gun and start muttering to myself about the good old days when I had to wait hours for Kazaa to download Space Hog. The most exciting porn I when I was young was a gold leafed Kama Sutra book in my parents room. I am scared to have children. I just can't imagine what this stuff is doing to kids brains. Instant access to the entire cess pool of human collective wants and imagination? Get ready everyone, it's all happening, and it's happening FAST. Music credit: Mr. Roboto - STYX One More Robot - Flaming Lips My editor this week was the amazing Samir I found on Fiver. If anyone needs audio editing he is the best!! https://www.fiverr.com/users/sganich Video of him and me at the Show! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cbO53k4fFs Oh and it was produced/recorded by my new cute intern Barry Jive.

You CAN Jew a Jew Aug 27, 2015

Show notes

Whoooo boy! This was a DOOZY. There is no myth worse for me than the engagement ring. Maybe it's because i'm of that age where people actually start to buy them. Did anyone else take the same history lessons as I did? I know i'm sounding like a crazy cat lady but seriously they're beautiful, fine, they are valuable i guess, but i don't like the mentality that traps us all into this boring cycle of commitment, monogamy, cheating because we are monkeys who constantly need to put out genitals on stuff, and then divorce. Anyway my girlfriend and I after Ashley Madison disaster went to go see what was going on in a place where A BILLION DOLLARS A DAY IS BEING EXCHANGED IN EVERY BUILDING. * any relationship mentioned here and is purely make believe. Patreon campaign is up! https://www.patreon.com/zoenightingale?ty=h

Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just a Rat In A Cage Aug 18, 2015

Show notes

IIntroducing Kai and Plasma, two traveling ladies of the streets who came up to ask me if I could give them money to help replace their boyfriends with rats. I mean, how does one say no to this question? I ended up on a literal rat race around New York City that took two days and brought into sharp focus some interesting questions for me about the morality around animal rights. What I always find to be incredible, is that somehow our worth is locked into home ownership. One of the most vicious capitalistic reinforcements, where if you live on the streets you become invisible and not worthy of compassion. These girls were not drug addicts, they were women who had had difficult upbringings and had become used to a life hopping fright trains, seasonal work (they pick blueberries and weed!)and a revolving roster of men who take advantage of them. Kai, a Native American who left her reservation to find a better life and with brutal trappings of little education on the reservation fell into stripping (her stripper name was Pocahantas, worst) and a transient life. Plasma, a Bosnian immigrant, whose boyfriend had just OD'd on heroin, was looking for an animal companion so she could have a reason to live, and something to look forward to. I had to think a lot about my own morality about my consumption of meat, leather, my obsession over my one sacred pet and then neglect of other forms of animal cruelty. I can't decide if I did the right thing. It felt right. I don't know yet where I get this weird compass about animal rights, what is an OK animal to eat and wear, why I have strong feelings about Fur, but not leather. Why I think it's ok to eat chicken and not veal. Our barometer as humans is so fucked up about what we will and won't take a moral high ground on. As this clearly meth addicted manager of Petco stared at me with total contempt, spikey, yet fuzzy teeth sticking through his upper lip, I despised him. I instantly wanted all the bad things in life to happen to him and only him..which is bananas, because why do I have the right to hate him for standing up for his beliefs no matter if they were held together by duct tape and sheer determination? Either way, Pepe, the skunk colored rat is thriving, and and I'll post photo updates soon. Special thanks to my new editor Katherine Rae Mondo. She is the only reason I have an episode this week. Music: Principles by Benoit and Sergio (who are fucking epic) Manifest Destiny, Jamiroquai

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