Kids & Family
**Your Parenting Mojo – Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive**

Parenting is hard…but does it have to be this hard?

Wouldn’t it be better if your kids would stop pressing your buttons quite as often, and if there was a little more of you to go around (with maybe even some left over for yourself)?

On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, Jen Lumanlan M.S., M.Ed explores academic research on parenting and child development. But she doesn’t just tell you the results of the latest study – she interviews researchers at the top of their fields, and puts current information in the context of the decades of work that have come before it. An average episode reviews ~30 peer-reviewed sources, and analyzes how the research fits into our culture and values – she does all the work, so you don’t have to!

Jen is the author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family – and the World (Sasquatch/Penguin Random House). The podcast draws on the ideas from the book to give you practical, realistic strategies to get beyond today’s whack-a-mole of issues. Your Parenting Mojo also offers workshops and memberships to give you more support in implementing the ideas you hear on the show.

The single idea that underlies all of the episodes is that our behavior is our best attempt to meet our needs. Your Parenting Mojo will help you to see through the confusing messages your child’s behavior is sending so you can parent with confidence: You’ll go from: “I don’t want to yell at you!” to “I’ve got a plan.”

New episodes are released every other week – there’s content for parents who have a baby on the way through kids of middle school age. Start listening now by exploring the rich library of episodes on meltdowns, sibling conflicts, parental burnout, screen time, eating vegetables, communication with your child – and your partner… and much much more!

Latest Episodes:

215: Why will no-one play with me? Jun 30, 2024

Show notes

Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children

Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations? Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends? Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go. I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me. The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats. This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it, and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it, and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching?

This episode answers questions like:

What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial?
How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?
What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)?
At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed?
How can we knowwhetherwe should teach a child social skills?

Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode 02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children. 09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and they don't always work well. 24:01 Dr. Carol Gray's Social Stories ™ help children, especially those with autism, understand social situations without directly aiming to change their behavior. 28:59 Terra Vance's adaptations of Social Stories ™ highlight how they sometimes fail to address children's real experiences and emotions. 33:28 Research on parent-led interventions for children with ADHD and autism vary in effectiveness. 43:24 The book "Why Will No One Play With Me" doesn't provide specific references to support its ideas, making it unclear if they're based on research or opinion. 46:30 Teaching social skills includes managing emotions, understanding social norms, and practicing simulations for better responses. 50:49 The "Play Better Bridge to Betterment" model in Why Will No One Play With Me categorizes children's readiness for change into stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It emphasizes that children may need support to recognize and modify behaviors. 53:10 Caroline Maguire's approach in "Why Will No One Play With Me" mirrors problem-solving methods, yet it prioritizes a reward system over understanding children's underlying needs. 55:02 Maguire's method in "Why Will No One Play With Me" uses rewards to shape children's behavior, raising concerns about parental control and consent in interactions with their children. 56:46 Maguire's book concludes with exercises aimed at understanding social interactions and unspoken rules, but it raises concerns about imposing norms without considering individual needs and communication styles. 01:02:41 Maguire's book discusses challenges with school communication norms favoring concise storytelling, which often align with White communication styles. 01:06:11 Social skills training often overlooks children's consent and preferences, focusing instead on adult-determined goals, which may affect trust and authenticity in social interactions.

References

Autistically Alex (2019, April 1). Autism Speaks… Blog post. Author. Retrieved from: https://autisticallyalex.com/2019/04/01/autisticorganizations/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR10yNr3UglHOUWRGWJMfp_uMpyxpfAtXMw99wSyTgMg8BvBmFSoaPko7iE_aem_AU39ONZlb1_LzKuEMMXqgiicT3Vb-tICXVSQowCO3RsQvHAmymztsPxNO0P7mN8voYq6oFbq5Ji0aN19xc6ddW0Z Beelmann, A., & Losel, F. (2021). A comprehensive meta-analysis of randomized evaluations of the effect of child social skills training on antisocial development. Journal of Developmental and Life-Course Criminology (7), 41-65. Capodeci, A., Rivetti, T., & Cornoldi, C. (2019). A cooperative learning classroom intervention for increasing peers’ acceptance of children with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders 23(3), 282-292. Chan, J., Lang, R., Rispoli, M., O’Reilly, M., Sigafoos, J., & Cole, H. (2009). Use of peer-mediated interventions in the treatment of autism spectrum disorders: A systematic review. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 3(4), 876-889. de Mooij, B., Fekkes, M., Scholte, R.H.J., & Overbeek, G. (2020). Effective components of social skills training programs for children and adolescents in nonclinical samples: A multilevel meta-analysis. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review 23: 250-264.sorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 42, 1895-1905. Dekker, V., Nauta, M. H., Timmerman, M. E., Mulder, E. J., van der Veen-Mulders, L., van den Hoofdakker, B. J., ... & de Bildt, A. (2019). Social skills group training in children with autism spectrum disorder: a randomized controlled trial. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 28, 415-424. Dogan, R.K., King, M.L., Fischetti, A.T., Lake, C.M., Mathews, T.L., & Warzak, W.J. (2017). Parent-implemented behavioral skills training of social skills. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis 50, 805-818. Find Yaser (2016, April 20). I am Autism commercial by Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=9UgLnWJFGHQ Haack, L.M., Villodas, M., McBurnett, K., Hinshaw, S., & Pfiffner, L.J. (2017). Parenting as a mechanism of change in psychosocial treatment for youth with ADHD, predominantly Inattentive presentation. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 45(5), 841-855. Kasari, C., Rotehram-Fuller, E. Locke, J., & Gulsrud, A. (2011). Making the connection: Randomized controlled trial of social skills at school for children with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 53(4), 431-439. Locke, J., Rotheram-Fuller, E., & Kasari, C. (2012). Exploring the social impact of being a typical peer model for included children with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 42, 1985-1905. Mathews, T.L., Erkfritz-Gay, K., Knight, J., Lancaster, B.M., & Kupzyk, K.A. (2013). The effects of social skills training on children with Autism Spectrum Disorders and Disruptive Behavior Disorders. Children’s Health Care 42: 311-332. Meadan, H., Ostrosky, M.M., Zaghlawan, H.Y., & Yu, SY. (2009). Promoting the social and communicative behavior of young children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Topics in Early Childhood Speical Education 29(2), 90-104. Milne, C.M., Leaf, J.B., Cihon, J.H., Ferguson, J.L., McEachin, J., & Leaf, R. (2020). What is the proof now? An updated methodological review of research on social stories. Education and Training in Autism and Developmental Disabilities 55(3), 264-276. Morris, S., Sheen, J., Ling, M., Foley, D., & Sciberras, E. (2021). Interventions for adolescents with ADHD to improve peer social functioning: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Attention Disorders 25(10), 1479-1496. National Center for Education Statistics (2020). Race and ethnicity of public school teachers and their students. Author. Retrieved from: https://nces.ed.gov/pubs2020/2020103/index.asp Newby, R.F., Discher, M., & Roman, M.A. (1991). Parent training for families of children with ADHD. School Psychology Review 20(2), 252-265. Nordby, E.S., Guribye, F., Nordgreen, T., & Lundervold, A.J. (2023). Silver linings of ADHD: A thematic analysis of adults’ positive experiences with living with ADHD. BMN Open 13(10): e072052. Pfiffner, L.J., Mikami, A.Y., Huang-Pollock, C., Easterlin, B., Zalecki, C., & McBurnett, K. (2007). A randomized, controlled trial of integrated home-school behavioral treatment for ADHD, predominantly Inattentive style. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 46(8), 1041-1050. Schramm, S.A., Hennig, T., & Linderkamp, F. (2016). Training problem-solving and organizational skills in adolescents with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Cognitive Education and Psychology 15(3), 391-411. Stewart, K.K., Carr, J.E., & LeBlanc, Linda A. (2007). Evaluation of family-implemented behavioral skills training for teaching social skills to a child with Asperger’s Disorder. Clinical Case Studies 6(3), 252-262. Storebo, O.J., Gluud, C., Winkel, P., & Simonsen, E. (2012). Social-skills and parental training plus standard treatment versus standard treatment for children with ADHD – The randomized SOSTRA trial. PLoS One 7(6), e37280. Storebø OJ, Elmose Andersen M, Skoog M, Joost Hansen S, Simonsen E, Pedersen N, Tendal B, Callesen HE, Faltinsen E, Gluud C. Social skills training for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children aged 5 to 18 years. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2019, Issue 6. Art. No.: CD008223 Vance, T. (2020, December 4). Social Stories for Autism and the harm they can cause. Blog post. Neuroclastic. Retrieved from: https://neuroclastic.com/social-stories-for-autism/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR2CsSDrXGEGnKU-UOkDmGrziEFZZ0xRvDfQ9rIKYBzdk5tuZnq9lVCsXpM_aem_AU1ZF-3Kywuop5TXQbTRBIQD3UUBS7hGRY8Ik72rirtuw0ZLxIPGxMQyW4a3cXCRY5T9P5EZQxbzrlwwCvYOiJbp

214: Ask Alvin Anything: Part 2 May 26, 2024

Show notes

Exploring Marriage, Autism, Race, and Parenting Together

Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we're working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he's started twice - but not yet finished - on supporting partners with Asperger's Syndrome.) Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American... or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine? Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space...and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean? Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband, Alvin, if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering - but he wanted me to join as well! One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me - and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his 'elevator pitch' - but he just couldn't do it!) So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour, and we hadn't covered half of the questions listeners had submitted...and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is!

Other episodes mentioned

Jump to highlights 01:22 Introducing this episode 04:28 Alvin talks about how Jen's autism diagnosis helps their relationship, while Jen shares how it helps in their daily life and parenting. 12:47 Alvin and Jen talk about how they decided to become parents. 25:10 Alvin discusses his upbringing in a predominantly White area, his evolving awareness of his Filipino heritage, and how his wife Jen's advocacy work has shaped his understanding of race and culture. 38:13 Alvin talks about his journey from wanting to be seen as White to embracing his Filipino heritage and identifying as a Brown person. 46:32 Alvin encourages dads to be actively involved in parenting, prioritize their partners, and be present in family life. 57:15 Alvin and the hosts engage in a quickfire round of questions, discussing topics from parenting to personal preferences. 01:00:50 Wrapping up

213: How to stop using power over your child (and still get things done) May 12, 2024

Show notes

Ditch Punishments and Rewards for Respectful Parenting

Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child? Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen? And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful? But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help? That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children. She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!). But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either. Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again. You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' teeth brushed every morning without a fight! If you'd like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I'd love to help you make that happen. You'll get:

A new module of content every month
Access to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they've described as "the least judgmental corner of the internet"
Answers to your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there's a library of these available for you to watch as well)
Group coaching calls where I'll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer...)
ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you'll achieve your vision
A 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most!

It's gentle parenting that's also gentle on you (and isn't permissive!). The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Other episodes mentioned: 009: Do you punish your child with rewards? Jump to highlights: 00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest 04:09 Dr. Houri Parsi has been applying evidence-based parenting methods from the Your Parenting Mojo podcast for two years. 08:54 Dr. Houri talks about their initial parenting beliefs and later exploring respectful and mindful approaches as their children grew older. 16:24 Dr. Houri changed her parenting approach after joining the Parenting Membership, moving away from using rewards or punishments and focusing on understanding and trusting their children's needs instead. 27:11 Dr. Houri initially struggled with giving up rewards and punishments due to her behaviorism background but eventually shifted her parenting approach, opting for a collaborative and respectful parenting style. 39:46 Dr. Houri discussed her parenting style, focusing on aligning with personal values rather than enforcing compliance. 52:18 Dr. Houri encouraged parents to shift from guilt-driven authority to collaborative parenting.

212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family May 05, 2024

Show notes

Sustainable Family Change: Parenting Framework for Lasting Results

Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!). What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing? What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall? What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago? Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)? Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before? Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now? Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself. It's not complicated. There are only five elements to it, and when they're all in place you can make sustainable change in parenting, as well as your own personal issues, work, and anything else you like. It really is very possible to make sustainable family change in parenting happen by yourself. But all of the five elements have to be in place, and operating consistently, to make it work. Losing focus on each one of the elements creates a different outcome, none of which are good:

Confusion
Anxiety
Making slow progress
Frustration
Being on a treadmill

If you can see already that one or more of these things are happening for you, the Parenting Membership will help you make the kind of sustainable change you want to see in your family. The first thing you'll do after you join is have a 20-minute private call with my community manager, Denise, who will see which element you're struggling with the most right now, and connect you to specific resources to help. Many of the parents who signed up this time last year are now in an entirely different place. Things like this are happening:

Theirpreschoolerscan use a picture-based list to accurately identify their own feelings and needs;
Parents are recognizing how their own actions are creating shame in their children, and are working to address this;
Parents see which parts of their co-parenting struggles are theirs to own, instead of blaming their difficulties on their co-parents;
They can also see which parts arenottheirs to own, make requests to get their needs met, and practice accepting their co-parent for who they are;
Siblings are fighting less, because they understand each other's needs and can find strategies to meet both of their needs.

Of course these parents still have hard days...but none of them looks back on who they were a year ago and thinks: "Aside from the fact that my kids are older, I don't really know what's different now from what it was a year ago." I want this kind of sustainable family change for you, too. It's so much more than taking a short course to learn a new skill. It's a fundamentally different way of being in the world. The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Other episodes mentioned:

Resources mentioned:

Sustainable Change Diagram

Jump to highlights: 00:56 Introducing today’s topic 02:01 Parent Niloufar's positive transformation in parenting through the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 08:56 Parent Lucinda, a member for five years, shares how the membership transformed her self-awareness and empathy towards others' needs. 14:21 The elements of sustainable family change in parenting: vision, skills, motivation, resources, and a plan 15:02 Understanding your family values can make parenting easier and more intentional. 21:14 Skills like managing behavior and communication help parents handle challenges. 33:10 Motivation drives positive changes and fosters resilience even in challenging situations. 36:07 Resources are vital for lasting change. The Parenting Membership helps align values with actions by making smart use of resources for meaningful progress and sustainable change. 42:10 A clear plan is essential for lasting change. It acts as a roadmap, guiding actions toward goals and ensuring alignment with values. 50:23 Invitation to the Parenting Membership 53:45 Member’s testimonials

211: How to raise a child who doesn’t experience shame Apr 28, 2024

Show notes

Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people? Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"? When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person? If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame. Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee. That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her. If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met. How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame? In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us. If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership. We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives. The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights 00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest 6:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans. 09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities. 12:39 Dee reflects on her nurturing upbringing, emphasizing the importance of feeling loved and accepted. This foundation drives her to seek intentional parenting strategies. 20:31 Dee learned to negotiate needs and boundaries with her child, leading to mutual respect and a harmonious dynamic. 30:39 Dee shares her experiences in the Parenting Membership community where she finds support and insights through coaching calls, ACTion group, and modules on topics that help her navigate parenting challenges and personal growth. 40:50 Through the Parenting Membership, Dee learned to address resentment, prioritize her needs, and communicate better with her partner for a healthier balance. 01:06:15 Three things Dee suggests for parents to try on based on the conversation. 01:09:39 Wrapping up

210: The power of learning in community Apr 21, 2024

Show notes

Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them? And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well. In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives. If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Jump to highlights: 01:43 Introducing today’s episode 03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies. 04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment. 19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties. 26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness. 33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values. 39:40 The Action Group explored Jody's challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a sense of relief and reduced emotional reactivity for him. 47:11 The group shared how the ACTion group has positively impacted their parenting journey through accountability, celebration, and community support. They emphasized the non-judgmental environment, learning from each other's experiences, and the value of consistent participation in personal growth. 01:06:59 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner Apr 14, 2024

Show notes

Do you ever fight with your partner? Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting? (Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.) And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:

Child misbehaves.
Parent A gets overwhelmed,criticizesthe child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this iscontempt.
Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're beingdefensive.
Parent Bstonewalls- they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.

If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope! Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy. Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above. How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights? (Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.) If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that. You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family. In this conversation they use very different tools. We didn't completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee's report of what happened after the call - which was really magical! Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner. It's really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own. I'd actually read one of the Gottmans' books but didn't really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training. During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children's behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses. So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them. There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples' arguments. Couples who have used these tools report not just that they're able to address their disagreements more easily, but they're having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to 'flow' in a way they hadn't before. I'll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership. Discover how our Parenting Membership can provide invaluable support and guidance. Share this letter with your partner to help them understand the benefits of joining our community. Together, we can make parenting easier and more enjoyable. The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Other episode mentioned: 207: How to not be a permissive parent Jump to highlights 00:53 Introducing today’s topic 02:27 The Parenting Membership's "Parenting As A Team" module, inspired by the Gottmans' research, provides valuable guidance on communication and relationships, empowering members with tools for stronger partnerships. 09:46 Introducing the historical approach to aiding couples in managing relationship challenges, along with the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" behaviors and their remedies 15:36 Dee and Jono engage in a coaching session, where CG, a non-professional coach, showcases her active listening skills. This session highlights the importance of validation and reflective listening in resolving conflicts and understanding perspectives, emphasizing the need for external support and skill-building within communities for improved communication and relationships. 32:48 Dee and Jono's coaching call led to commitments to nurture equality through daily appreciation, shared responsibilities, and seeking peer coaching for equitable partnership strategies. 40:07 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

208: Three reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them) Apr 07, 2024

Show notes

Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see?

When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today...
When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it...
When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)...
When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you...

Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again??? But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it." If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.' So why do we do it to our children? Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day. We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance. In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. Click the banner to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 00:52 Introducing today’s topic 02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard 12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution 25:04 The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits 26:02 Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting 28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits 29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children's and parents' needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child's needs 41:44 Parent Cori challenges with her son's teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy 45:42 Three great resources (and they're all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s

207: How to not be a permissive parent Mar 31, 2024

Show notes

Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪 Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach. But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're inflexible and rude. So what's going on here? Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work? Of course, as soon as I received Diana's email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there's no video for this episode. We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn't know her needs - because Diana didn't know her own needs. We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children's needs, and there's also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. Click the banner to learn more. Other episode mentioned: Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1 Jump to highlights: 00:48 Introducing today’s guest and topic 08:58 Diana reflects on challenges with implementing a respectful parenting philosophy and navigating differences with her high-sensitivity, high-intensity child. 13:14 Diana shares parenting struggles, negotiating with her kids, and feeling disrespected in their interactions. 26:51 Diana reflects on supporting her daughter during dysregulated moments, while Jen illustrates the importance of context in understanding behavior. 31:12 They address Diana's daughter's need for predictability and resistance to sudden changes. 46:58 The dialogue emphasizes the importance of understanding and articulating individual needs to avoid permissive parenting while ensuring both the parent's and child's needs are met. 01:00:57 The conversation highlighted the importance of understanding underlying needs behind a child's behavior, leading to a shift in perspective for the parent. 01:06:00 Three actionable steps for listeners to implement the concepts discussed

206: How to find yourself as a parent Mar 24, 2024

Show notes

It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices. In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations. Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I've included these recordings in the episode as well. So if you're struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you're struggling to find yourself, this episode will help. Parenting Membership If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Other episode mentioned: 181: Why 'giving choices' doesn't work--and what to do instead Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s topic 02:11 Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits. 03:26 Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting. 07:38 Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expectations, and bedtime struggles, seeking guidance and support during the coaching call. 14:28 The conversation explores Parent Meagan's bedtime struggles with her daughter Ava, highlighting Meagan's stress and Ava's desire for autonomy and connection. Strategies to address both needs are discussed. 36:30 The conversation explores Jen's struggle balancing caregiving, household tasks, and family time. It touches on her discomfort with her baby's crying, rooted in her own childhood experiences. 46:58 The conversation discusses supporting children with neurodivergent traits, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining routines and social interactions. 56:37 Parent Kendra shares her challenge navigating societal expectations in parenting across different cultures. 01:09:05 Whitney shares how she applied the concept of understanding her son's perspective and needs during bedtime struggles. This shift in perspective helped her empathize more with her son's feelings and frustrations. 01:15:12 Invitation to the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop