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    Kids & Family

    Your Parenting Mojo – Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

    Parenting is hard…but does it have to be this hard?

    Wouldn’t it be better if your kids would stop pressing your buttons quite as often, and if there was a little more of you to go around (with maybe even some left over for yourself)?

    On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, Jen Lumanlan M.S., M.Ed explores academic research on parenting and child development. But she doesn’t just tell you the results of the latest study – she interviews researchers at the top of their fields, and puts current information in the context of the decades of work that have come before it. An average episode reviews ~30 peer-reviewed sources, and analyzes how the research fits into our culture and values – she does all the work, so you don’t have to!

    Jen is the author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family – and the World (Sasquatch/Penguin Random House). The podcast draws on the ideas from the book to give you practical, realistic strategies to get beyond today’s whack-a-mole of issues. Your Parenting Mojo also offers workshops and memberships to give you more support in implementing the ideas you hear on the show.

    The single idea that underlies all of the episodes is that our behavior is our best attempt to meet our needs. Your Parenting Mojo will help you to see through the confusing messages your child’s behavior is sending so you can parent with confidence: You’ll go from: “I don’t want to yell at you!” to “I’ve got a plan.”

    New episodes are released every other week – there’s content for parents who have a baby on the way through kids of middle school age. Start listening now by exploring the rich library of episodes on meltdowns, sibling conflicts, parental burnout, screen time, eating vegetables, communication with your child – and your partner… and much much more!

    Advertise

    Copyright: © Jen Lumanlan - M.S. Psychology focused on Child Development

    • Apple Podcasts
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    Latest Episodes:
    196: How to do right by your child – and everyone else’s with Dr. Elizabeth Cripps Oct 29, 2023
    Show notes





    Do you worry about the state of the Earth? Climate change perhaps above all else, but also resource extraction, air pollution, and the injustice that goes along with the ways the impacts of these things are distributed?








    You're not the only one.








    I know not everyone goes this far, but one of the reasons I waited so long to have a baby, almost didn't have a baby, and will only have one child is to reduce my impact on climate change.








    We all know we're supposed to fly less, drive less, and eat less meat. But how can those actions ever be enough, when (I read somewhere a long time ago) that there aren't enough resources on the planet for everyone to consume the resources that an unhoused person in the United States uses?








    In her new book Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's (affiliate link), Dr. Elizabeth Cripps walks us through the moral arguments involved in taking action on these issues - as well as the ones we use to justify not taking action.








    I really enjoyed this book. There are so many ways it could have gone wrong. Dr. Cripps is a White European philosopher writing about ways we can reduce our environmental impact.








    The book could have been dense (ever get lost trying to follow a philosophical argument? 🙋‍♀️)








    It could have been preachy.








    It could have been completely tone-deaf, and say that we all bear the same responsibility to make changes.








    It doesn't do any of those things.








    It's easy to understand, practical, and acknowledges Dr. Cripps' (and many of her readers,' including my own) place in society. This is our responsibility - but also not just our responsibility. We need systemic change at the State, national, and international levels as well.








    This book helps you see what you can do by yourself, and also when you combine your efforts with others, which is a lot bigger than the sum of its parts. And that makes it an interesting, hopeful read. (I worked in sustainability consulting for a decade and I learned some things!)



















    Elizabeth Cripps' book:








    Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's (affiliate link)











    Jump to Highlights





    01:20 Introduction to today’s episode and featured guest


    02:39 Dr. Elizabeth Cripps gives a brief overview of what climate change is and how it is already affecting and will continue to affect us in the future


    04:40 The moral aspect of climate change


    06:39 The challenge of differentiating individual and governmental responsibilities regarding climate change


    12:20 The connection between shame and topics like White supremacy, patriarchy, capitalism, and climate change


    17:51 How broader societal concerns, like climate change, influence your everyday decision-making


    26:10 Exploration on whether the Western-developed framework for climate change can be adapted to different cultures with varied moral perspectives


    28:20 The choice of having children and how climate concerns influenced that decision


    35:20 The concept of fairness and how children often have a strong sense of morality and fairness


    37:18 A playful approach to life and problem-solving can inspire creativity for solving complex issues


    38:54 How parents can engage in climate activism and justice alongside their everyday responsibilities


    43:28 How parents might justify not taking action or not fully acknowledging climate change as a significant problem


    45:20 Addressing climate change as a shared responsibility


    48:12 Nurturing environmentally responsible children


    51:42 Wrapping up discussion







    References







    Cripps, E. (2022). What climate justice means, and why we should care. London: Bloomsbury Continuum.



    Cripps, E. (2017). Do parents have a special duty to mitigate climate change? Politics, Philosophy & Economics 16(3), 308-325.






    Cripps, E. (2017). Justice, integrity, and moral community: Do parents owe it to their children to bring them up as good global climate citizens? Proceedings of the Aristotelian Society 117(1), 41-59.






    Seebach, N. (2018). Is classroom boredom hidden guilt? A comparison between teaching Aboriginal history in Australia and Post-Holocaust history in Germany. NEQ: Emerging Scholars in Australian Indigenous Studies







    195: Raising Good Humans Every Day with Hunter Clarke-Fields Oct 15, 2023
    Show notes






    Hunter Clarke-Fields is back with us again! She's the author of Raising Good Humans, and now the new book Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links).









    Why does the world need two books with such similar titles? Are they even different?!









    Yes, they are! Raising Good Humans Every Day is small! And short! And the chapters are short! Each one contains just one practice, described in a few pages.









    If you've got five minutes you can read a chapter and then put the idea into practice immediately.









    Use it, see some success, and get inspired for the next one.









    Short, simple, and sweet. Can't beat that!



















    Hunter Clarke-Fields' books:




    Raising Good Humans


    Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links)














    Jump to Highlights












    00:43 Introducing Hunter Clarke-Fields


    01:46 Hunter’s reasons for writing a second book with a title so much like their first one


    03:29 Why controlling our children and have them control themselves doesn't work effectively


    06:54 The need to shift from rewards and punishments to teaching and guiding children in understanding consequences and needs


    09:18 The benefits of connection-based parenting


    12:58 Reflecting on parenting experiences: gratitude and regrets


    16:25 Exploring Hunter’s upbringing as a highly sensitive child


    21:47 Navigating parenting a highly sensitive child with insights coming from Hunter’s own experiences


    24:39 The importance of being authentic with children and openly sharing challenges as a parent


    26:29 Parenting with heartfelt intention and presence


    31:01 Embracing the importance of being present with children and practicing mindfulness in a fast-paced society


    38:14 Asking for community support to be a better parent


    42:24 Embracing a beginner's mind to counter judgment and remain open to possibilities


    45:14 Wrapping up



























    194: Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage Oct 08, 2023
    Show notes

    Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior? (No? Just me? 😬) Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's. As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?) So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together. Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins! Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement. Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood. Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her. They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other. Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately. She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore. Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop. They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency. Elizabeth wrote to me that it's taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She's shifted her mindset by realizing that: If you're a man reading this, we'd love to see you in the workshop. You won't be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.) If you're a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone - and you'll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way. But you'll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says: Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they've been doing - and how it has helped - in this new episode. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:20 Introducing today’s topic 01:47 Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family 04:00 They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession. 06:06 The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style. 11:27 They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it. 16:52 Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them 23:24 The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months. 28:20 Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed. 41:47 The couple share their experience with AccountaBuddies 48:03 Jen encourages couples to take the program together, believing it creates a shared experience and language for improving their relationship dynamics.


    193: You don’t have to believe everything you think Oct 01, 2023
    Show notes

    In this short episode, I'm going to teach you a real, legit, bona fide magic trick. And unlike most magic tricks which rely on sleight of hand to convince you of something that has happened when it really hasn't, this one actually works. It helps you to see that things are not as bad as they seem, and that you can cope, even when things feel incredibly difficult and that you're failing as a parent. I asked four listeners to help me explain the concept to you, and how it has helped them, and one even went above and beyond and did a live demo for us! Then I walk you through it step by step, so you can use it when you need it later. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 00:43 Introducing today’s topic 02:04 Words can influence our perceptions. 04:02 Anne shares three instances where questioning negative thoughts helped in avoiding unnecessary worry and misunderstandings. 09:46 Elizabeth, a Parenting Membership member for two years, highlights how Jen's advice, using the phrase "I am having the thought that...," helped her cope with a challenging parenting situation. 11:54 Melissa used self-compassion and questioning negative thoughts to find self-compassion and regain confidence. 13:11 Melissa highlights the core aspect of the "magic trick" by framing these thoughts as "I'm thinking" rather than absolute truths. 14:46 Jen calls listeners to try a mindful exercise where "I'm thinking that..." is added before self-judgments or judgments about others. 20:20 Adding "I'm thinking that..." before judgments can foster understanding, compassion, and better relationships, as demonstrated by Jen’s dishwasher experience. 25:07 Nicole shares how her meditation practice led her to explore the concept of not believing everything she thinks 27:47 Recognizing our perspective isn't the only truth can help us shift from self-centered thinking when hurt by someone. 28:36 The concept of not believing everything we think promotes a balanced perspective on our life stories. Other episodes referenced

    • 113: No Self, No Problem
    • 141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
    • 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
    • SYPM 014: The power of healing in community

    Reference Loftus, E., & Palmer, J.C. (1974). Reconstruction of automobile destruction: An example of the interaction between language and memory. Journal of Verbal Learning and Verbal Behavior 13(5), 585-589.

    192: What to do with the myth of Polyvagal Theory Sep 17, 2023
    Show notes

    Polyvagal Theory is everywhere these days. Psychologists talk about it; parenting coaches talk about it; if you’re in the mental health field you’re probably referring to polyvagal theory in some way. So one would assume that there’s lots of evidence for it, right? Well, maybe. Maybe not. In this episode I dig into the foundational principles of Polyvagal Theory and find that there's a lot less evidence supporting it than you might think, given how many places it's used. So what's going on? Is it legit? Should we be using a different theory to understand our experience instead? But all may not be lost! Maybe there are aspects of the theory that we can still use...the episode suggests a path forward on this. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:26 Introduction to this episode 04:05 Three defining principles of the Polyvagal Theory 09:01 The challenges in reconciling PVT’s popularity with the lack of scientific evidence supporting its core premises 21:09 Dr. Stephen Porges' 1995 paper on Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is examined, including references to Charles Darwin's support, removal of a premise, and disagreements with Dr. Paul Grossman 24:35 Dr. Stephen Porges' 2007 paper on Polyvagal Theory introduces four principles about heart regulation and the vagus nerve's role in social engagement behaviors 32:12 Dr. Doody challenges the assumptions behind Polyvagal Theory 36:34 Experts challenge Polyvagal Theory (PVT) by refuting its foundational premises, raising the need for alternative models and further evidence examination 42:05 Bloggers and experts offer mixed views on Polyvagal Theory (PVT): some argue it can adapt without changing its core, while others label it a myth 45:31 Jen evaluates the usefulness of Polyvagal Theory (PVT) considering evidence both for and against it 48:01 The existence of alternative theories to Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is a key consideration in evaluating its validity 48:35 Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is still debated, with limited evidence both for and against it, and alternative theories lacking strong support. 55:24 The cultural context and alignment between a therapist's explanation and a client's understanding are essential for therapeutic success 01:06:23 Indigenous perspectives emphasize the importance of understanding dynamic systems in place and time, which aligns with Dr. Porges' attempt to examine a broader system in polyvagal theory 01:11:55 The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), based on polyvagal theory (PVT), lacks substantial scientific evidence supporting its effectiveness 01:15:08 Wrapping up Other episodes referenced:

    • 018: The Spiritual Child: Possibly exaggerated, conclusions uncertain
    • 104: How to help a child to overcome anxiety
    • 113: No Self, No Problem
    • 131: Implicit Bias (Part 1)
    • 132: How implicit bias affect my child (Part 2)
    • 141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
    • 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?

    References Agger, I. (2015). Calming the mind: Healing after mass atrocity in Cambodia. Transcultural Psychiatry 52(4), 543-560. American Museum of Natural History (n.d.). What is a theory? Author. Retrieved from: https://www.amnh.org/exhibitions/darwin/evolution-today/what-is-a-theory Barret, L.D. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Barrett, L.D. (2023, March 25). Peripheral physiological changes during emotion. Chapter 1 endnote 26 from How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Author. Retrieved from: https://how-emotions-are-made.com/notes/Peripheral_physiological_changes_during_emotion#cite_note-8 Benish, S. G., Quintana, S., & Wampold, B. E. (2011). Culturally adapted psychotherapy and the legitimacy of myth: a direct-comparison meta-analysis. Journal of counseling psychology, 58(3), 279. Bird, A. (2021). Understanding the replication crisis as a base rate fallacy. The British Journal for the Philosophy of Science. Retrieved from: https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/56560473/Replication-base-rate-fallacy_FINAL-libre.pdf?1526290158=&response-content-disposition=inline%3B+filename%3DUnderstanding_the_Replication_Crisis_as.pdf&Expires=1689372953&Signature=HnUWKVi40YZrjWv4RyYGjB8GSt2wRxNSyYdmUe3wNG~NwYkkbMv0rG0Y~PWotaD7xlq6b9DcfQXnwx1ddLVT7nkmX4teXXs9B7iI16d7JnEKVUAzcVXBOuVajgdMQXR~3y1fq1xNfMUXBE-zsqHNV3bSQdReBEMvuIr-l9pNFs~PiSnAaeUe91b-eYy5QCEzvKrTsGN~R-Y~qfEXb3NecIO6kokPLph9H4w0K7cpvu7x72RoBqBT3yIsQmQ5MAoGDrBFW0FnKZuJVUF1LlHBeSGC1ToTJ03feIhLc9OkJJB8i-s3crTxvN5BFdq9oKh-qRUSMAHRE6zmCG-XQ9jR8w__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAJLOHF5GGSLRBV4ZA Brennan, M.A., Emmerling, M.E., & Whelton, W.J. (2014). Emotion-focused group therapy: Addressing self-criticism in the treatment of eating disorders. Counseling & Psychotherapy Research 15(1), 67-75. Das, A. (2021). Testing the Longitudinal, Bidirectional Relation Between Respiratory Sinus Arrythmia and Perceived Emotion Regulation (Doctoral dissertation, Miami University). Retrieved from: https://etd.ohiolink.edu/apexprod/rws_etd/send_file/send?accession=miami161688520539524&disposition=inline deVries, Y.A., Roest, A.M., Turner, E.H., & de Jonge, P. (2019). Hiding negative trials by pooling them: A secondary analysis of pooled-trials publication bias in FDA-registered antidepressant trials. Psychological Medicine 49, 2020-2026. Doody, J.S., Burghardt, G., & Dinets, V. (2023). The evolution of sociality and the polyvagal theory. Biological Psychology 180, 108569. Frank, J. D., & Frank, J. B. (1993). Persuasion and healing. Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press. Grossman, P., & Taylor, E.W. (2007). Toward understanding respiratory sinus arrhythmia: Relations to cardiac vagal tone, evolution and biobehavioral functions. Biological Psychology 74, 263-285. Ekman, P., Sorenson, E.R., & Friesen, W.V. (1969). Pan-cultural elements in facial displays of emotion. Sicnce, New Series, 164(3875), 86-88. Ekman, P., & Friesen, E.V. (1971). Constants across cultures in the face and emotion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 17(2), 124-129. Graziano, P., & Derefinko, K. (2013). Cardiac vagal control and children’s adaptive functioning: A meta-analysis. Biological Psychology 94(1), 22-37. Hanazawa, H. (2022). Polyvagal Theory and its clinical potential: An overview. Brain Nerve 74(8), 1011-1016. Harmer, C.J., Duman, R.S., & Cowen, P.J. (2017). How do antidepressants work? New perspectives for refining treatment approaches. Lancet Psychiatry 4(5), 409-418. Kawai, H., Kishimoto, M., Okahisa, Y., Sakamoto, S., Terada, S., & Takaki, M. (2023). Initial outcomes of the Safe and Sound Protocol on Patients with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Exploratory Plot Study. International Journal of Environmental Research and Publich Health 20(6), 4862. Laborde, S., Moseley, E., & Mertgen, A. (2018). A unifying conceptual framework of factors associated to cardiac vagal tone. Heliyon 4(12), e01002. Lehrer, P. (2013). How does heart rate variability biofeedback work? Resonance, the baroreflex, and other mechanisms. Biofeedback 41(1), 26-31. Luck, A. (2022, October 29). Polyvgal Theory: A critical appraisal. Author. Retrieved from: https://alyssaluck.com/polyvagal-theory-a-critical-appraisal/ McCraty, R. (2011). Coherence: Bridging personal, social and global health. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine 53(3), 85-102. Poli, A., Gemignani, A., Soldani, F., & Miccoli, M. (2021). A systematic review of a polyvagal perspective on embodied contemplative practices as promoters of cardiorespiratory coupling and traumatic stress recovery for PTSD and OCD: Research methodologies and state of the art. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health 18(22), 11778. Polyvagal Institute (2023, February). Polyvagal Theory: Summary, Premises, and Current Status. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/_files/ugd/8e115b_f8f82f01065b41dc85e7698fd4f99818.pdf?index=true Porges, S. (2021). Polyvagal Theory: A biobehavioral journey to sociality. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology 7, 100069. Porges, S.W. (2007). The polyvagal perspective. Biological Psychology 74(2), 116-143. Porges, S. (1995). Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory. Psychophysiology 32, 301-318. Rutherford, B.R., & Roose, S.P. (2013). A model of placebo response in antidepressant clinical trials. The American Journal of Psychiatry 170(7), 723-733. Shaffer, F., McCraty, R., & Zerr, C.L. (2014). A healthy heart is not a metronome: An integrative review of the heart’s anatomy and heart rate variability. Frontiers in Psychology 5, 1040. Siegel, E. H., Sands, M. K., Condon, P., Chang, Y., Dy, J., Quigley, K. S., & Barrett, L. F. 2018. "Emotion fingerprints or emotion populations? A meta-analytic investigation of autonomic features of emotion categories." Psychological Bulletin, 144(4), 343-393. Turner, E. H., Cipriani, A., Furukawa, T. A., Salanti, G., & de Vries, Y. A. (2022). Selective publication of antidepressant trials and its influence on apparent efficacy: Updated comparisons and meta-analyses of newer versus older trials. PLoS medicine, 19(1), e1003886. Unyte (n.d.). Polyvagal Theory: Start with safety. Author. Retrieved from: https://integratedlistening.com/polyvagal-theory/ Unyte (2023, June 22). Disrupting overactive survival reactions with the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP). Author. Retrieved from: https://integratedlistening.com/case-study/disrupting-overactive-survival-reactions-with-the-safe-and-sound-protocol-ssp/ Yasmin (2023). What is the hierarchy ladder in Polyvagal Theory? Polyvagal Teen. Retrieved from: https://polyvagalteen.com/polyvagal-theory-101/what-is-the-hierarchy-ladder-in-polyvagal-theory/

    191: Parenting Beyond Power launch celebration Sep 05, 2023
    Show notes



    Parenting Beyond Power is officially available today! Come join a mini-celebration with me in this podcast episode, and TODAY on Zoom at 11am Pacific/2pm Eastern/8pm Central Europe, and in-person this weekend if you're in the Bay Area!



    Do you celebrate your achievements? I don't know about you, but I find it pretty difficult.






    I didn't celebrate getting into Berkeley or Yale, or graduating from either of those places either (in fact, I think I was in the car driving away from each of those places when the graduation ceremonies happened).






    I didn't celebrate getting U.S. citizenship, or have a baby shower, and Alvin and Carys buy or make me a birthday cake every year because they want to, but I don't really celebrate that either.






    I didn't celebrate signing a book deal two years ago, and when we rolled over 3 million downloads recently I asked someone on my team to make a quick social post...and that was it.






    So celebrating the book's launch feels...weird to me. But apparently people who write books do it, so I'm giving it a try - Jen style.






    I invited a listener, María José (MJ) Durán, to ask me whatever questions she had about the book and the writing process for a mini-celebration.






    (I did slip in a couple of questions for her as well, and I have to say that her response to me asking what she got out of the book was really meaningful for me - she now understands her own Mom in a way she hadn't been able to until now, which has brought María José (MJ) Durán some measure of relief.)






    Come join one of our mini-celebrations! Listen to the podcast episode today!




































































    Jump to Highlights










    00:43 Introduction to today’s episode


    04:13 What sets Parenting Beyond Power apart for long-time podcast listeners and Parenting Membership members


    05:01 What Jen wants to accomplish in writing Parenting Beyond Power


    08:56 How the needs cupcake came about


    11:38 How Jen came up with the book’s title


    14:26 María José (MJ) Durán shares a positive change in setting boundaries with her daughter and questions why the same advice, given a year apart, yielded such different results


    21:58 How the book addresses common parenting challenges


    35:18 Jen’s perspective on neurodiversity in the context of the book's approach


    41:01 The importance of addressing privilege and White supremacy in parenting


    46:10 The feasibility of meeting everyone's needs in society


    52:30 Wrapping up




















    190: How to use the tools in Parenting Beyond Power Aug 27, 2023
    Show notes



    One of the questions I'm asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is:










    So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them.













    The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us - they're the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different - and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs.






    Eliza began:





    Kat added:





    Elizabeth concluded:





    We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she's able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her - which she hadn't realized was a 'cherry' need for her until now!








    Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she's having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she's supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We're lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!




    Parenting Beyond Power






    The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.


    Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.


    Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:















    Jump to Highlights





    00:43 Introduction to the podcast


    02:04 Guests introduce themselves


    05:00 Longtime participants discuss how the book differs from the podcast and other resources, emphasizing its unique value.


    08:05 Participants share their the tools they learned from the book and any resulting parenting changes.


    08:48 Elizabeth applies book tools like problem-solving conversations and the needs cupcake diagram, but grapples with addressing her daughter's need for community during bedtime routines.


    11:46 Elisa and Elizabeth discuss adapting bedtime routines to balance tasks and the daughter's need for connection.


    16:13 Jen offers suggestions for Elizabeth on meeting her child’s needs while setting her boundaries.


    19:26 Kat shares her struggle with boundary-setting due to being a people-pleaser, aiming to create a boundary-respecting environment for her children.


    21:17 Elisa finds the "needs cupcake" concept valuable in recognizing and addressing recurring needs for herself and her children.


    27:14 Kat applies the "needs cupcake" concept to understand her children's primary needs, enabling her to address conflicts more effectively, encourage problem-solving discussions, and redirect behaviors towards meeting those needs.


    38:58 They highlight the significance of acknowledging and addressing unique family needs, challenging gender norms in parenting, and prioritizing the fulfillment of needs for both children and parents to cultivate positive relationships.


    43:08 Participants discuss their ongoing journey of personal growth and parenting transformation, highlighting the significance of self-compassion and aligning actions with values.


    48:10 Elisa asks about potential content that wasn't included in the book, and Jen explains the challenge of balancing content while emphasizing the importance of practical tools.


    50:48 Jen underscores the significance of consistent efforts based on personal values rather than perfection, emphasizing the uniqueness of every parent-child interaction.


    53:15 Jen wraps up as she reflects on the question of whether parenting is easy.



    189: Childhood Unlimited with Virginia Mendez Aug 13, 2023
    Show notes

    Do you try to give your children messages about gender that are aligned with your values? Do you tell your daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, and look for shows that have equal representation of male- and female-presenting characters? If so, you're off to a good start. And...there's so much more to do. One of the core ideas in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, is that we parents pass cultural messages on to our children. We do that through the books we read, the actions we praise, and the conversations we have (or don't have). I don't censor the books I'm reading to Carys - we just talk about them. Right now we're reading Wild Born, Book 1 of the Spirit Animals collection. (I did check to make sure that the concept of 'spirit animals' isn't disrespectful to Indigenous people...it turns out it's a concept that White people made up, and it's only disrespectful if we try to link it to Indigenous practices.) Here's an excerpt from the beginning of Chapter 3: "Meilin sat on a cushion before her looking glass, meticulously applying facial paint. She didn't mind letting her handmaidens prepare her for festivals or banquets. But today was important. Today she wanted to look just right. And when you wanted something done right, you did it yourself. After finishing the accents around her eyes, Meilin inspected her handiwork. It was a work of art atop a work of art. People always remarked that she was stunning. She had never needed paint on her face to earn compliments. But now she possessed an allure beyond her natural beauty." It goes on to describe the strategic imperfection in her hair that made it "more appealing," and then she practices the looks she will display during her ceremony. There's a lot going on here... It starts with the White supremacy-based idea that if you want something done right you can never rely on others but only do it yourself. (This book seems to be primarily about relationships, so I assume it's marketed to girls. And we wonder where women and mothers get the idea that they have to do it all themselves if we want it done right?) The book opened with a male character who obviously cared a lot about his clothes who waited impatiently while a servant connected forty eight clasps. No male character's face is described in this level of detail. No male character puts paint on their face. No male character is introduced to the reader as an object to be looked upon with desire. This is how cultural ideas are passed on. This is how girls learn that being pretty has currency. That it's a girl's job to create and use their appearance to manipulate others. And if any boys happen to be reading, they learn that their job is to judge the performance. These messages are harmful for all children, because they say that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in certain children - for no other reason than it doesn't match their genitals (of all things!). What messages are your children learning about gender from the books you're reading to them, or that they're reading by themselves? In this episode Virginia Mendez, author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link), helps us to see examples like this in books, films, toys, and even in the language we use around and toward our children. Join me for this fun conversation with Virginia as we learn how to raise children who won't be constrained by their gender, and who can express their full selves.

    Virginia Mendez's Book:

    Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link)

    Parenting Beyond Power

    The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore. Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey. Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today: Jump to highlights 00:39 Introduction of this episode’s topic and guest 01:28 Sex involves biological traits while gender is a diverse social identity that defies binary categorization. 04:01 Children's gender differences are largely influenced by societal norms and upbringing. 09:11 Pink's gender association shifted historically due to color symbolism, marketing, and cultural influences. 10:42 Despite some progress, children's media retains subtle gender biases and stereotypes. 24:18 Embracing non-binary identities, using inclusive pronouns, and challenging traditional gender categories can promote a more respectful and inclusive society. 30:01 Virginia Mendez's book highlights the societal constraints on children's potential due to gender stereotypes. 43:15 Those new to the concept of non-binary identities should focus on cultivating awareness and curiosity about non-binary identities, while those already familiar can continue having open conversations with their children and encouraging exploration for an inclusive and understanding environment. 46:59 Embrace discomfort as a sign of personal growth and be open to adjusting to non-binary language and identities.

    Q&A#4: Is it safe to delay math learning? Jul 30, 2023
    Show notes

    In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language. Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more.

    Learning Membership

    Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?” 01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension. 07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months. 08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning. 12:58 Sudbury School's anecdotal evidence suggests children can learn math quickly when motivated, sparking questions about early teaching, fostering a love of learning, and the impact on future opportunities. 15:54 Emphasizing intrinsic motivation over forced comparisons in math fosters self-awareness, more vital for a fulfilling life than specific skills. 19:31 Cognitively Guided Instruction values children's math knowledge, encourages pattern exploration, and validates individual methods, fostering a deeper understanding of math concepts. 22:09 Fostering children's intuitive understanding of math through collaborative learning and self-developed algorithms is a powerful approach. 24:01 Don't worry about formal math instruction; children will naturally develop their own strategies and algorithms when provided with a supportive learning environment. References Singleton, D., & Lesniewska, J. (2021). The critical period hypothesis for L2 acquisition: An unfalsifiable embarrassment? Languages 6(3), 149.

    188: How to learn way beyond ‘doing well in school’ Jul 16, 2023
    Show notes

    When you listen to this episode you may get a bit of a sense of deja vu - way back in 2020, listener Kelly reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to do an episode on parental burnout, which she was struggling to navigate at the time. We ended up interviewing Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, one of the world's experts on parental burnout. After the conversation Dr. Mikolajczak expressed to me how much her heart went out to Kelly, who was navigating what seemed like an individual-level problem when it was actually very much our society's failure to support her that created the problem. Having explored the connection between race and parenting in a series of episodes the previous year, ideas were definitely percolating for me about how societal issues show up in our families which is, of course, a massive theme in my book. So it was so amazing to see Kelly recently in a much better place, reflecting on the connections between her school-based learning and her burnout, and how she's taking steps to help her child learn lessons she thinks are truly important, like how to:

    • Think critically about messages she receives from other people;
    • See multiple people's needs in an interaction, and find ways to meet both of their needs;
    • Learn about the world immediately around her (which often involves Kelly backing off andnot doing anything, rather than stepping in to teach a lesson).

    Kelly's children are certainly learning profound lessons in this process - but so is Kelly. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so delighted to say that she's thrown out a puzzle book that still had three un-done puzzles in that she didn't want to do, having (finally) learned that it's OK not to finish every single thing you start. Because not being able to do that can lead to burnout.

    Learning Membership

    Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:26 Introduction to today’s topic 02:02 Kelly talks about her family. 02:34 In the Netherlands, Kelly (who later discovered she had ADHD) attended a non-religious public school, enjoyed learning despite feeling out of place, and found ways to stay engaged. 06:32 Kelly’s burnout was influenced by her tendency to prioritize meeting teachers' expectations rather than pursuing genuine interest, the impact of ADHD on her learning experience, and the mismatch between her learning style and the educational system. 12:12 Before working with Jen, Kelly focused on academic subjects for her child's learning, while also recognizing learning in everyday experiences, but found it challenging to be at home with the children all day due to energy limitations. 14:13 Kelly considered homeschooling but found that the strict regulations in the Netherlands, along with the lack of community support and limited options for activities during the day, made it extremely difficult. 15:25 Kelly engages in discussions with her daughter about the school system, emphasizes meeting individual needs, and recognizes her advanced learning beyond the classroom. 23:33 Kelly, a member of the Learning Membership, engages in informal and organic learning explorations with her children. 30:37 Kelly's perspective has shifted, realizing that she doesn't have to finish everything and can find alternative approaches that work for her and her family. 35:19 Kelly feels more relaxed and confident in her role as a parent, allowing her child to learn from mistakes and pursue their own interests, while also engaging in important discussions about diversity and the environment to prepare her child for adulthood. 39:11 Kelly advises parents to have faith in their child's learning, embrace peace and calm, enjoy their child's curiosity, and play along with their exploration for their happiness and growth as individuals and good citizens.

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