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179: I Never Thought of It That Way with Mónica Guzmán and Lulu Mar 05, 2023

Show notes

If you're anything like me, navigating conflict comes pretty easily to you. You always know what to say to make your point in a tone that's firm but still inviting, right? You listen for the purpose of understanding the other person and don't just use the time while the other person is speaking to form your own rebuttal? You never get overwhelmed, and maintain your own sense of boundaries even when the discussion argument gets really heated? (Yeah, me either, really...) A few months ago I put out a request for folks who disagree with me on a social issue to let me know if they would be willing to come and discuss the topic with me on a podcast episode. I had just read Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That way, which concludes with an invitation to practice the tools she teaches about navigating conflict more effectively, and I thought: "Well, let's do it!" Mónica agreed to moderate a conversation and I put out a call for folks to participate... ...and let's just say that the silence was deafening. (And I was kind of disappointed. I mean, you all are a pretty opinionated bunch, right? And I KNOW some of you disagree with me about some things...) The one person who responded was parent Lulu, who wrote: "I do admit that I disagree with your recent focus on White privilege and how it seems to make its way into almost every episode. Yes, it’s something to be aware of, but I don’t want that awareness to drive many of my and my kids' decisions and conversations." Of course my first thought was "Well, you're wrong," but when I responded: "Tell me more!" she added that she sees topics like school, behavior, nutrition, empathy, and other factors as all more important than discussing White privilege on a regular basis. "Super," I said. "Let's talk." So we each prepared for the conversation using a framework described in Mónica's book, and as we were talking Mónica pointed out what we were doing well (and shockingly few things we weren't doing well) to build our mutual understanding. I think it's safe to say we both got more out of it than we had anticipated. We recorded it several weeks ago and I also recorded a postscript with some thoughts on the conversation as well as how we might apply the ideas we used in less structured situations we find ourselves in on a regular basis. This episode will help you to understand people who are important to you even when they have ideas that are very different from yours, and find common ground so you can work, play, and be together. Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That Way (Affiliate link) Jump to highlights: 01:01 Introducing today’s guest 02:39 This episode demonstrates using Monica's tools for productive conversations with differing views. 03:38 The 'conversation dial, EPACT, helps assess and enhance productive discussions by considering factors like full communication, equal platform footing, focused attention, contained conversations, and timing. 08:36 The conversation between Jen and Lulu is set to begin with a commitment to trust and exploring ideas in an open environment. They set the stage by discussing their objectives. 13:51 They engage in an eight-minute back-and-forth discussion, where they reflect on what they've learned about each other's perspectives. 36:43 They delve into the complexities of their roles in addressing interconnected issues like White supremacy, ecology, and consumerism, recognizing areas of uncertainty while aiming for a deeper understanding of each other's viewpoints. 44:09 Monica praised Jen and Lulu for their open and respectful dialogue, noting their effective use of clarifying questions and their willingness to discuss sensitive issues. 46:30 Lulu and Jen expressed their appreciation for the enlightening conversation, noting the importance of respect and curiosity when discussing challenging topics. 52:42 Wrapping up the discussion

178: How to heal your inner critic Feb 19, 2023

Show notes

Do you ever have that voice in your head that tells you things like: "You shouldn't have laid in bed for so long; you should have got up earlier to get ready for the day"? Or how about: "You shouldn't let your kids watch TV; good mothers don't let their kids watch TV"? Or: "If I was any good at this parenting thing, my kids wouldn't fight with each other"? If you do, have you noticed that sometimes that voice comes out when you talk to your children, in that exasperated, shaming voice: "Why would you do that?" If you have, you're not alone. My guest for this episode is parent Katie, who is a therapist with a Master's in Counseling. She's specifically trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method of changing people's behavior - essentially by teaching them to ignore their body's signals of fear and anxiety. Despite knowing everything there is to know about how to change a person's behavior, Katie still struggled as she transitioned from two to three children, and was suddenly dealing with massive sleep deprivation, the oldest child biting the middle child, and a whole lot of yelling (both from the children and from her). She got to the point where she realized: "I can't keep doing this. We can't keep functioning in this way. And I wish I didn't react so strongly but I don't know what else to do." Katie shares some massive transitions she's made over the last year, including:

Realizing her body's surprising signal that she's feeling overwhelmed in a situation
Her transition from constantly snapping at her children to being patient and THEN snapping to being able to change course even in the middle of a difficult interaction
Ways that she gets frustration out before it erupts over her children (which models healthy coping habits for them, too!)
A non-cognitive shift (based in her body, not just in her brain)around seeing the systems we live in as an important reason why things are so hard for parents, which means it isn't her fault things are hard
How seeing her needs in a new way helped her to heal her inner critic - which is still there, but has much less power over her now than it used to

Our inner critics don't appear out of nowhere; they're formed out of the voices of our parents and other people who are important to us. Katie told me after we turned off the recording that her parents - who were good, loving parents - wanted to make Katie's life as easy as possible - which often meant presenting a sanitized view of her hair, her clothing, and her sexuality to the outside world. If you do what's expected, other people won't make your life harder - but those 'criticisms' have now become her own internalized voice, making it harder for her to show up as her real, authentic self. Her oldest son has food allergies but Katie feels guilty asking for accommodations for him that other people might think are 'too much.' Standing up for her son's needs has taught her how to stand up for her own needs - now she knows she wants to be part of creating a society that sees and meets everyone's needs, rather than forcing the outliers to fit into a traditional mold. This episode is a must-listen for parents who are having a hard time and who think it's their fault. It isn't your fault. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Other episodes mentioned in this episode Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid Jump to highlights 04:35 What parenting was like for parent Katie in her early days. 16:25 The reason why she enrolled for Taming Your Triggers a second time. 21:10 The window of tolerance. 27:39 How the nonviolent communication impacted her inner critic. 45:43 Taming Your Triggers and Changing Behavior. 52:41 Navigating vulnerability and community.

177: Three ways to be a good parent, even on bad days Feb 05, 2023

Show notes

In this episode I take a look at the main reasons why we have these hard days - from our child's temperament to our temperament to attachment relationships, trauma, and neurodivergences - all of these intersect especially tightly on the hard days. Then we look at three ways to get through these days with a little more grace - and maybe even without having to apologize to your child at the end of it. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 02:44 It can be difficult when we have a temperament mismatch 03:25 But having the same temperament can also be difficult 04:36 Children will often take on a role in the family 05:29 Our attachment style impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior 10:40 Making a non-cognitive shift so you see difficult days differently 21:05 We don’t always have to fix everything in the moment 25:59 The challenges to meeting your needs more often 29:43 The part we often forget is that your child has needs as well

176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond Jan 29, 2023

Show notes

Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from? I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley. We discuss, among other things:

The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods
What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives
How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children

AJ's book (Affiliate link)

Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 02:05 How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is 05:12 What is shame? 07:15 Different versions of shame for different people 08:10 Shame is like an alarm system 10:39 The breaking of the interpersonal bridge 15:48 What does good repair look like 18:45 The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger 25:41 The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time 26:58 Shame will often feel like it’s connected to survival 31:09 Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame? 34:18 The concept of healthy shame 37:19 The 123 Punch of Shame 47:03 How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values References Arnink, C.L. (2020). A quantitative evaluation of Shame Resilience Theory. Inquiries Journal 12(11), 1-11. Bond, A.J. (2022). Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? Berkeley: North Atlantic. Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City: Hazeldon. Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services. 87(1), 43-52. Brown, B. (1999). Searching for a theory: The journey from explanation to revolution. Families in Society 80(4), 323-429. Cooley, C.H. (1902). Human nature and the social order. New York: Scribner’s. Deonna, J.A., Rodogno, R., & Teroni, F. (2012). In defense of shame: The faces of an emotion. Oxford: Oxford University Press. DeParle, J. (2022, November 25). The expanded child tax credit is gone. The battle over it remains. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/25/us/politics/child-tax-credit.html Elias, N. (1978). The civilizing process (Volume 1). New York: Pantheon. Elison, J., Garofalo, C., & Velotti, P. (2014). Shame and aggression: Theoretical considerations. Aggression and Violent Behavior 19, 447-453. Garland-Thompson, R. (2005). Feminist disability studies. Signs: Journal of women in Culture and Society 30(2), 1557-1587. Greenwald, D.F., & Harder, D.W. (1998). Domains of shame: Evolutionary, cultural, and psychotherapeutic aspects. In P. Gilbert & B. Andrews (Eds.), Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture (p.225-245). Oxford: Oxford University Press. Hauser, C. T. (2016). Shame and resilience among mental health trainees: A scale construction study (Unpublished doctoral dissertation). University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Jacquet, J. (2015). Is shame necessary? New uses for an old tool. New York: Pantheon. Jóhannsdóttir, Á. (2019). Body hair and its entaglement: Shame, choice and resistance in body hair practices among young Icelandic people. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 195-213. Kendi, I.X. (2019). How to be an anti-racist. New York: One World. Lee, R.G. (1996). Shame and the Gestalt Model. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.3-58). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Lichtenberg, P. (1996). Shame and the making of a social class system. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.269-295). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Mate, G. (2019). Scattered minds: The origins and healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. New York: Random House. Mendible, M. (2016). American shame and the boundaries of belonging. In M. Mendible (Ed.), American Shame (p.1-23). Bloomington: Indiana University Press. Morris, C. & Munt, S.R. (2018). Classed formations of shame in White, British single mothers. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 231-249. Morrison, A.P. (1996). The culture of shame. New York: Ballantine. Parsons, E.M. (2020). The development and evaluation of a brief shame resilience intervention: Proof of concept in Social Anxiety Disorder. Unpublished doctoral thesis, Miami University. Retrieved from: https://etd.ohiolink.edu/apexprod/rws_etd/send_file/send?accession=miami1595594451509091&disposition=inline Pescosolido, B.A., & Martin, J.K. (2015). The stigma complex. Annual Review of Sociology 41, 87-116. Probyn, E. (2019). Productive faces of shame: An interview with Elspeth Probyn. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 322-334. O’Halloran, K. (2015). Theory, politics, and community: Ethical dilemmas in Sydney and Melbourne queer activist collectives. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. Sydney: The University of Sydney. Retrieved from: https://ses.library.usyd.edu.au/bitstream/handle/2123/13958/OHalloran_KT_thesis.pdf?sequence=2 Richards, R., (2019). Shame, silence, and resistance: How my narratives of academia and kidney disease entwine. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 269-285. Tagney, J.P., & Dearing, R.L. (2002). Shame and guilt. New York: The Guilford Press. Scheff, T.J. (2003). Shame in self and society. Symbolic Interaction 26(2), 239-262. Singer, A. (1996). Homosexuality and shame; Clinical meditations on the cultural violation of self. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.123-142). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Stearns, P.N. (2017). Shame: A brief history. Urbana: The University of Illinios Press. von Raumer, Wilhelm. 1857. The Education of Girls. (Cited in Elias 1978.) Wheeler, G., & Jones, D.E. (1996). Finding our sons: A male-male gestalt. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.61-99). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Q&A #1: Should I let my child hit me, or a pillow? Jan 22, 2023

Show notes

This episode kicks off a series of new episodes that I'm very excited about, which is based on listeners' questions. My goal is to produce shorter episodes that cut across the research base to help you answer the questions that are on your mind about your child's behavior and development. Our first question comes from Dee in New Zealand, who wants to know: should she should do what her preschooler is asking and buy a pair of inflatable boxing gloves so he can hit her when he's feeling angry. Or would hitting a pillow be a better option? If you'd like to submit your own question, you can record a video of yourself asking it in two minutes or less, upload it to a platform like Drive or Dropbox, and send a link to it at support@yourparentingmojo.com. Alternatively you can go to the homepage and click the button to record your question for an audio-only option. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Other episode referenced: Episode 159, Supporting girls' relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick Jump to highlights 02:18 Parent Dee’s question about her child 04:02 The six things going on in the question 06:19 The Catharsis Theory 07:18 Pointing out the difference in terminology about anger and aggression 09:38 Most of the research has studied cognitive behavioral therapy as a treatment for anger and aggression 11:22 The difference between adults and children in navigating situations 13:10 Anger in girls and boys 14:42 Addressing the difficult behavior instead of the reason for the behavior 16:00 The importance of self-regulation in managing feelings of anger 17:06 Most of us didn’t have great role models for how to cope with anger 22:23 Things to do to help a child regulate their feelings

175: I’ll be me; can you be you? Jan 08, 2023

Show notes

In this most personal episode I've ever created, I'll share with you how my autism self-diagnosis has helped me to understand the experiences I've had in ways that bring a great deal more clarity and insight than I've had up to now. In addition to hearing from me, you'll hear the actual voicemail the therapist who has been helping me left to explain the results of my autism screeners, as well as conversations with friends about things that are hard in our friendships. You'll hear from listeners who find things I do on podcast episodes to be hurtful and judgmental and also relatable and approachable, and sometimes it's the same things I do that prompts both the 'positive' and 'negative' reactions. And you'll hear from a listener in my membership community who has been on a similar journey to understand how her ADHD diagnosis wasn't really about her as much as it was about her reactions to the ways her family interacted with her - they encouraged creativity and expression in her artwork, but never never never ever related to emotional expression. My goal with this episode is to help you draw together threads in your own life in a way that maybe you haven't been able to do until now so you can understand yourself better, and make requests to help you meet your needs, and maybe change the situations you're in so you can be in them with more ease and authenticity. And I also hope it helps you to see how your child's struggles are a reflection of their needs, and of whether those needs are being met. Just as you didn't need fixing when you were a child (and neither did I, despite all the people who tried to fix me), your child doesn't need fixing either. Instead, we can use the struggles to better understand our needs and our child's needs, and work toward meeting them both. To investigate screeners that Dr. A. has available for free on her website, visit https://spectrumservicesnyc.com/resources/

Taming Your Triggers

If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to:

Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered

Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights: 02:52 My book is coming out on August 2023 03:29The ‘emotional intimacy’ between content creators and audiences 05:50 I looked at my racial privilege through a series of podcast episodes 06:09 I’ve also been exploring my recent autism self-diagnosis through the podcast 06:57 Dr. Andalibian’s voicemail telling me about the results of my autism screeners 10:30 I’ve always had a hard time fitting in 11:29 My entire teenage years were marked by a huge withdrawal from everything and everyone 12:33 School was miserable as well because I was good at learning but couldn’t figure out how to make friends 13:04 Gemma describes what she remembers about me 15:38 The librarian created the Library Monitor position for me 16:30 Sarah explains how we met 20:08 Sarah pointed out that there is much less ambiguity in our relationship than in many of her relationships 22:50 I was surprised to hear that Sarah found the absence of ambiguity to be a helpful part of our friendship 24:13 An example of when I’ve misstepped and didn’t know how to fix it 26:43 A listener and I chat about imposter syndrome back in 2020 28:50 A listener in my Learning Membership community said she has felt judged by some of the things I’ve said about schools 30:26 One of the characteristics of autistic people is that we see things in a very black and white way 31:35 I have some genetic autistic component that nobody knew about when I was a child 32:47 In many areas of my life, my self-reliance served me well 34:30 We are stuck in a comparison mindset 35:59 I have a new series of Q&A episodes launching this year 36:18 My parents were traumatized by their own parents’ attempts to shape them to succeed in a White supremacist, patriarchal, capitalist culture 40:11 Don’t compare yourself with me, but with the person that you might be if you weren’t held back by these old habits 41:07 Parent Claire from my Parenting Membership community shared about reading Dr. Gabor Mate’s book on ADHD called Scattered Minds 46:04 No one wins from negating their true selves 48:57 I remember one kid in my high school who was ALWAYS in trouble 50:40 Our children do things that seem like the best strategy they have to meet their needs

174: Support for Neurodivergent Parents with Dr. Rahimeh Andalibian & Sara Goodrich Dec 18, 2022

Show notes

Most of the resources related to parenting and neurodiversity are geared toward helping neurodivergent children, not neurodivergent parents, so this episode aims to help close that gap. Whether you (or your partner, if you have one) have a diagnosis or you see yourself (or them) struggling but can't quite figure out why, this episode may help. Autism and ADHD are diagnosed at wildly differing rates in girls and boys (in large part because boys' symptoms often turn outward while girls' symptoms turn inward), which means that girls are very often undiagnosed and unsupported well into adulthood. Dr. A. may help you to identify neurodivergence in yourself or your partner, and then connect you to resources to support you on your journey. Find more about Dr. A's practice at SpectrumServicesNYC.com I also very much appreciated Dr. A's memoir The Rose Hotel (affiliate link) about her experiences in Iran during the revolution, and later in the U.K. and the U.S. Jump to highlights 00:03 Introduction to this episode. 03:07 What kind of patterns do you see in couples where one partner is known to be neurodivergent? 07:28 It’s often the female-identifying partner who is the one who identifies the issue. 11:46 What are some of the red flags for neurodivergent partners? 16:05 Men tend to flood four times as fast as their female partners when they are in an argument. 21:43 How do I support my partner in being a successful parent and also find more balance in terms of what they bring to the family? 25:38 What do we do with this knowledge that we have? 30:31 Dealing with conflict between the couple. 32:46 What do you think of the idea of trauma as a factor in ADHD? 36:12 Diagnosis of ADHD is multi-directional. 41:56 Mental health is still stigmatized, and getting a diagnosis could backfire on you. 42:31 What is a diagnosis and how does it help? 47:44 The different types of ADHD. 53:03 Social calendaring and extracurricular activities. 54:46 Time blocking is a better approach for ADHD. 01:01:45 Strengths of people with ADHD. References Blair, R.J.R. (2005). Responding to the emotions of others: Dissociating forms of empathy through the study of typical and psychiatric populations. Consciousness and Cognition 14(4), 698-718.

Bostock-Ling, J.S. (2017, December). Life satisfaction of neurotypical women in intimate relationships with a partner who has Asperger’s Syndrome: An exploratory study. Unpublished Master’s thesis: The University of Sydney. Chronis-Tuscano, A., & Stein, M.A. (2012). Pharmapsychotherapy for parents with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): Impact on maternal ADHD and parenting. CNS Drugs 26(9), 725-732. Chronis-Tuscano, A., O’Brien, K.A., Johnston, C., Jones, H.A., Clarke, T.L., Raggi, V.L., Rooney, M.E., Diaz, Y., Pian, J., & Seymour, K.E. (2011). The relation between maternal ADHD symptoms & improvement in child behavior following brief behavioral parent training is mediated by change in negative parenting. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 39, 1047-1057. Conway, F., Oster, M., & Szymanski, K. (2011). ADHD and complex trauma: A descriptive study of hospitalized children in an urban psychiatric hospital. Journal of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Psychotherapy 10, 60-72. Dziobek, I., Rogers, K., Fleck, S., Bahnemann, M., Heekeren, H.R., Wolf, O.T., & Convit, A. (2007). Dissociation of cognitive and emotional empathy in adults with Asperger Syndrome using the mUltifaceted Empathy Test (MET). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 38, 464-473. Ford, J.D., Thomas, J., Racusin, R., Daviss, W.B., Ellis, C.G., Rogers, K., Reiser, J., Schiffman, J., & Sengupta, A. (1999). Trauma exposure among children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deicit-Hyperactivity Disorder. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 67(5), 786-789. Hull, L., Petrides, K.V., & Mandy, W. (2020). The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: A narrative review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 7, 306-317. Lilley, R., Lawson, W., Hall, G., Mahony, J., Clapham, H., Heyworth, M., Arnold, S., Trollor, J., Yudell, M., & Pellicano, E. (2022). “Peas in a pod”: Oral history reflections on autistic identity in family and community by late-diagnosed adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 1-16. Mazursky-Horowitz, H., Thomas, S.R., Woods, K.E., Chrabaszcz, J.D., Deater-Deckard, K., & Chronis-Tuscano, A. (2018). Maternal executive functioning and scaffolding families of children with and without parent-reported ADHD. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 46(3), 463-475. Mazursky-Horowitz, H., Felton, J.W., MacPherson, L., Ehrlich, K.B., Cassidy, J., Lejuez, C.W., & Chronis-Tuscano, A. (2014). Maternal emotion regulation mediates the association between adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms and parenting. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 43(1), 121-131. McGough, J.J., Smalley, S.L., McCracken, J.T., Yang, M., Del’Homme, M., Lynn, D.E., & Loo, S. (2005). Psychiatric comorbidity in adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: Findings from multiplex families. American Journal of Psychiatry 162, 1621-1627. Moser, D.A., Aue, T., Suardi, F., Manini, A., Rossignol, A.S., Cordero, M.I., Merminod, G., Ansermet, F., Serpa, S.R., Fabez, N., & Schechter, D.S. (2015). The relation of general socio-emotional processing to parenting specific behavior: A study of mothers with and without posttraumatic stress disorder. Frontiers in Psychology 6:1575. National Library of Medicine (n.d.). 14. Prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK332896/ Park, J.L., Hudec, K.L., Johnston, C. (2017). Parental ADHD symptoms and parenting behaviors: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review 56, 25-39. Pearlstein, T., & Steiner, M. (2012). Premenstral Dysphoric Disrorder: Burden of illness and treatment update. The Journal of Lifelong Learning in Psychiatry X(1), 90-101. Psychogiou, L., Daley, D., Thompson, M.J., & Sonuga-Barke, E.J.S. (2008). Do maternal attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms exacerbate or ameliorate the negative effect of child attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms on parenting? Development and Psychopathology 20, 121-137. Reinhold, J.A. (2015). Adult ADHD: A review of the clinical presentation, challenges, and treatment options. Psychiatric Times 32(10), 41. World Health Organization (2022, March 30). Autism. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/autism-spectrum-disorders#:~:text=It%20is%20estimated%20that%20worldwide,figures%20that%20are%20substantially%20higher

173: Why we shouldn’t read the “Your X-Year-Old Child” books any more Dec 04, 2022

Show notes

Have you ever seen recommendations for the books called Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, and so on, by Louise Bates Ames? Every few weeks I see parents posting in online communities asking about some aspect of their child’s behavior that is confusing or annoying to them, and somebody responds: “You should read the Louise Bates Ames books!” This usually comes with the caveat that the reader will have to disregard all the 'outdated gender stuff,' but that the information on child development is still highly relevant. In this episode I dig deep into the research on which these books are based. While the books were mostly published in the 1980s, they're based on research done in the 1930s to 1950s. I argue that far from just 'stripping out the outdated gender stuff,' we need to look much deeper at the cultural context that the information in these books fits within - because it turns out that not only were the researchers not measuring 'normal,' 'average' child development, but that they were training children to respond to situations in a certain way, based on ideas about a person's role in society that may not fit with our views at all. And if this is the case, why should we use these books as a guide to our children's development? Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 02:41 An open invitation to check out the new book that will be released in August 2023. 04:59)Why these child psych books from the 1980s are all over parenting Facebook groups today 06:01 The Gesell philosophy of human behavior 08:48 Who is Louise Bates 10:32 Who is Arnold Gesell 11:28 How the children were selected to participate in the experiment 14:28 How our view of childhood had undergone a massive shift in the previous 100 years 16:09 What’s it like to have a child involved in the study 19:35 Some of the significant milestones provided by researchers 20:50 Dr. Gesell is looking to study the natural development of children’s physical capabilities 22:07 What normal seems to mean in the study 23:11 Gesell fails to observe what the baby’s hands are actually doing 24:18 The purpose of the ‘performance box’ 27:44 I add my own judgment of the research 28:32 Gesell wrote that what he called ‘systematic cinematography’ 29:22 Another way that the situation was anything but natural was that the study took place within a dome 30:59 Dr. Gesell observed the effect of the running commentary on him in the experimenter role 31:54 Dr. Gesell makes contradictory statements about whether the behavior he observed in the lab was the same as the behavior the child displayed at home 32:58 A baby’s behavior changes based on the environment it is in 35:04 What the researchers say about children’s capabilities outside of the lab 35:56 Even the view of maturation itself is inextricably linked to Euro-centric ideas about time, on both micro and macro scales. 40:51 What are parents supposed to do with all this information 45:19 One of the Dr. Bates Ames’ key ideas is that development doesn’t proceed in a linear fashion 47:52 The similarity between reading the development book and reading a horoscope 52:33 The idea that things aren’t linear in our children’s development is super helpful 52:54 I found the most useful description of why this non-linear behavior happens in a book of essays by Dr. Myrtle McGraw 54:14 Going back to the outdated ideas about gender 57:11 The flow of authority 01:00:55 When we use our power to get children to do what we want them to do we’re still promoting the values of a patriarchal culture 01:02:58 The most common word uttered is ‘mine’ 01:05:04 Each of the decisions parents make is made in a cultural context 01:07:36 An episode suggestion to listen to References Al-Bdour, A-N.A., Akasheh, H.F., & Al-Husban, N.A. (2003). Ultrasonography of the uterus after normal vaginal delivery. Saudi Medical Journal 25(1), 41-44. Astrology King (October 29, 2022). Aries Last Week: October 24 to 30, 2022. Author. Retrieved from: https://astrologyking.com/aries-last-week/ Ball, R.S. (1977). The Gesell Developmental Schedules; Arnold Gesell (1880-1961). Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 5(3), 233-239. Britannica, The Editors of Encyclopaedia (2022, June 17). Arnold Gesell. Encyclopedia Britanica. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Arnold-Gesell Dalton, T.C., & Bergenn, V.W. (1995). Beyond heredity and environment: Myrtle cGraw and the maturation controversy. Boulder: Westview Press. Gesell, A., Ilg, F.L., Bates Ames, L., & Rodell, J.L. (1971). Infant and child in the culture of today: The guidance of development in home and nursery school. New York: Harper & Row. Gesell, A., Halverson, H.M., Thompson, H., Ilg, F.L, Castner, B.M., Ames, L.B., & Amatruda, C.S. (1940). The first five years of life: A guide to the study of the preschool child. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers. Gesell, A.D., Thompson, H., & Amatruda, C.S. (1938). The psychology of early growth, Including norms of infant behavior and a method of genetic analysis. New York: MacMillan. Gesell, A., Thompson, H., & Amatruda, C.S. (1934). Infant behavior: Its genesis and growth. New York: McGraw Hill. Gesell, A. (1952). Infant development: The embryology of early human behavior. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers. Gesell, A. (1930). The guidance of mental growth in infant and child. New York: The MacMillan Company. Gesell, A. (1926). The mental growth of the preschool: A psychological outline of normal development from birth to the sixth year, including a system of developmental diagnosis. New York: The MacMillan Company. Gesell, A. (1925). The retarged child: How to help him. Bloomington, IL: Public School Publishing Company. Ilg, F.L., & Bates Ames, L. (1972). Child behavior. New York: Barnes & Noble Books. Knobloch, H., & Pasamanick, B. (1974). Gesell and Amatruda’s developmental diagnosis: The evaluation and management of normal and abnormal neuropsychologic development in infancy and early childhood (3rd Ed.). Hagerstown: Harper & Row. Lancy, D. (2015). The anthropology of childhood: Cherubs, chattel, changelings (2nd Ed.). Cambridge, Cambridge University Press. Leung, K.C., & Sauve, R.S. (2005). Breast is best for babies. Journal of the National Medical Association 97(7), 1010-1019. Mulic‐Lutvica, A., Bekuretsion, M., Bakos, O., & Axelsson, O. (2001). Ultrasonic evaluation of the uterus and uterine cavity after normal, vaginal delivery. Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology: The Official Journal of the International Society of Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology, 18(5), 491-498. O’Neill, A. (2022, June 21). Child mortality rate (under five years old) in the United States, from 1800 to 2020. Statista. Retrieved from: https://www.statista.com/statistics/1041693/united-states-all-time-child-mortality-rate/ Pelcowitz, M. (2012). Louise Bates Ames. Psychology’s Feminist Voices. Retrieved from: https://feministvoices.com/profiles/louise-bates-ames Pikler, E. (1972). Data on gross motor development of the infant. Early Child Development and Care 1(3), 297-310. Pikler, E. (1968). Some contributions to the study of the gross motor development of children. The Journal of Genetic Psychology 113(1), 27-39. Tredgold, A.F. (1909). II. The feeble-minded – a social danger. The Eugenics Review 1(2), 97-104.

172: You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent with Carla Naumburg Nov 20, 2022

Show notes

Are you a shitty parent? Or do you ever think you might be? Parenting today is so hard, and there are so many models of 'perfect parenting' available on social media that we can compare ourselves against that provide 'evidence' that we're not doing it right. Things can get even more difficult when we believe in respectful parenting, because we have a model for what we know we want parenting to be like - and every time we fall short of that ideal, the voice is there: "You don't know what you're doing." "You'll never be able to do it right." "You're a shitty parent." My guest today, Carla Naumburg, is the author of the bestselling book How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, which was conveniently released just before a global pandemic started when we suddenly all started losing our shit with our kids. Now she's back with a new book: You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent which helps us to understand:

Where these stories about ourselves come from
How we can stop believing these stories
Ways to treat both ourselves and our children with more compassion

Carla was kind enough to send an advance copy of the book to a member of my community who said that she would read a sentence in it and think: “But you don’t know me; I actually AM a shitty parent!”...and then in the next sentence it was almost like Carla had read her mind and was prepared to address the member's precise concern. So if you ever feel anxious about your ability to parent in a way that's aligned with your values and think it's all about your failures, Carla has ideas to help. Please note that some swearing is inevitable when you're talking about Carla's books but apart from that the conversation was remarkably restrained on the language front!

Carla Naumburg's Books (Affiliate links)

You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent Affiliate link to How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids Jump to highlights 01:53 Introducing today’s guest 02:52 Exploring various types of struggles in life and parenting and the importance of distinguishing between them 08:54 Discussing self-compassion, distinguishing it from what it isn't 14:18 Exploring the difficulties of practicing self-compassion in a world of constant comparison and negative self-talk 20:07 Recognizing thoughts, acknowledging the separation between ourselves and our thoughts 29:57 Fostering compassion by first being kind to yourself, speaking compassionately to your kids, and adjusting your self-talk about them 40:06 Embracing the ever-changing seasons of life helps us release unrealistic expectations, find gratitude in the present, and accept the natural flow of experiences 44:53 Balancing compassion with power is essential for a just society 50:05 Self-compassion as a lifelong journey, not a destination 56:50 Wrapping up the discussion References Yarnell, L.M., Stafford, R.E., Neff, K.D., Reilly, E.D., Knox, M.C., & Mullarkey, M. (2015). Meta-analysis of gender differences in self-compassion. Self and Identity 14(5), 499-520.

171: How Good People Can Create A More Just Future with Dr. Dolly Chugh Nov 06, 2022

Show notes

Did you read Little House on the Prairie when you were a child? I didn't, but I know it's a common American rite of passage. My guest in this new episode, Dr. Dolly Chugh, got entirely immersed in the story with her two young daughters - so much so that they took a vacation to the places depicted in the story, and her daughters danced around in prairie dresses. Dr. Chugh didn't realized until afterward that there was something missing from both Little House on the Prairie and from her family's exploration of the Midwest: settlers didn't arrive to find unoccupied land ready for farming; the government actively removed Native Americans from the land so it could be occupied by 'settlers.' Dr. Chugh studies issues related to race as a professor, and yet she completely missed this aspect of our country's history. In her new book, A More Just Future, Dr. Chugh asks why so-called Good People act in ways that are counter to their beliefs because we don't have all the information we need, or we prioritize some information over others. In our conversation we discussed this research, and what we can all do to take actions that are aligned with our values - even when we're new to working on social justice issues.

Dr. Dolly Chugh Book:

A more just future: Reckoning with our past and driving social change. (Affiliate link)

Jump to highlights:

(09:13) 3 ways that we tend to perceive ourselves. (12:02) People who are trying to avoid a loss are more likely to make less ethical choices than people trying to make a game. (14:35) Kahneman and Tversky's work that says how you frame something can have meaningful consequences, even if the thing you're framing is exactly the same. (15:06) So that’s all the research of Framing says, and the gain versus loss piece of it says that you can have identical situations. But what the research, Molly Curran and I have shown us that if you frame it as a loss, people are more likely to cheat. (28:51) James Loewen has done some, some deep analyses of textbooks where he's, you know, God bless him spent two years he took like the 20 most popular history textbooks used in American high schools.

References

Blunt, A., & Pychyl, T.A. (2005). Project systems of procrastinators: A personal project-analytic and action control perspective. Personality and Individual Differences 38(8), 1771-1780. Fee, R.L., & Tangney, J.P. (2000). Procrastination: A means of avoiding shame or guilt? Journal of social behavior and personality 15(5), 167-184. Gilbert, D.T., Wilson, T.D., Pinel, E.C., Blumberg, S.J., & Wheatley, T.P. (1998). Immune neglect: A source of durability bias in affective forecasting. Personality and Social Psychology 75(3), 617-638. Kim, K., del Carmen Triana, M., Chung, K., & Oh, N. (2015). When do employees cyberloaf? An interactionist perspective examining personality, justice, and empowerment. Human Resource Management 55(6), 1041-1058. Sirois, F.M., Melia-Gordon, M.L., & Pychyl, T.A. (2003). “I’ll look after my health, later”: An investigation of procrastination and health. Personality and Individual Differences 35(5), 1167-1184. Sirois, F.M., & Pychyl, T. (2013). Procrastination and the priority of short-term mood regulation: Consequences for future self. Social and Personality Psychology Compass 7(2), 115-127. Wohl, M.J.A., Pychyl, T.A., & Bennett, S.H. (2010). I forgive myself, now I can study: how self-forgiveness for procrastination can reduce future procrastination. Personality and Individual Differences 48, 803-808.