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205: How patriarchy hurts us…all of us Mar 10, 2024

Show notes

I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew! I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There’s some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well. And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life. I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood. He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation. She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.” We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it. After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change? Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life. We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is! Iris and I discuss:

The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...)
How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income;
Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men’s needs.

Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way. She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world. But I don’t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters. We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it’s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries. Enjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris.

Parenting Beyond Power

Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today. Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children's needs, fostering respect and empathy. With sample scripts and practical resources, Parenting Beyond Power empowers you to transform your parenting journey. Get your copy now! Click the banner to learn more: Jump to highlights 00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic 06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents' dynamics and sense of self-worth. 12:52 Iris discusses her family's emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach. 17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships. 22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy. 24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations. 33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya's autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family. 41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue. 44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism. 46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself. 49:19 Jen introduces three actionable steps for listeners to implement the ideas discussed in the episode.

204: How to create more time by taking care of yourself Feb 18, 2024

Show notes

Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you'll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.) Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn't have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular part of the mix), and they didn't repair afterward. The difficult communication between parents extended to the children as well - Sara started to fight back when she was spanked, which escalated to physical fights as she got older. If she tried to talk with her Mom about previous incidents then her Mom would make out that she was the victim, while her Dad would whiz her down to Baskin Robbins for ice cream to win back her love. Sara withdrew, stopped sharing anything with her parents and isolated herself in her room - devouring books and the all the things on the early days of the internet. So when she became a parent, it's not surprising she felt triggered! Conflict abounded! Conflict with her partner, and with her children - she knew how she WANTED to navigate it (in a way that modeled healthy conflict for her children), but how could she do that when she had no idea how? We talk about conflict in this episode, and we also talk about needs. It turns out that Sara had needs (who knew!) and when she started to identify and meet them, the magic happened. Spending time doing things for herself, to meet her need for creativity, created time to spend with her husband and children. She realized she had been trying to do a lot of multitasking to try to fit everything in, but never spent time doing things she truly loved. Once she did, the background noise of that unmet need went quiet in her mind, and then she could actually enjoy spending time with her family. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 00:49 Introducing today’s topic and guest 02:27 Sara’s upbringing and family life 07:40 Sara's pandemic parenting insights 11:28 The challenges of striving for excellence as a parent, especially in trying circumstances 13:55 Sara's decision to join the Parenting Membership before exploring Taming Your Triggers 16:33 Sara's specific triggers that prompted her to recognize the need for support 20:20 Sara’s initial experiences and emotions as she embarked on Taming Your Triggers workshop 26:16 Why Sara chose to prioritize journaling, its impact, and the major shifts she experienced throughout the workshop 30:51 How Sara approached parenting with an audience 33:00 Discovering recurring needs during the workshop that Sara hadn't noticed before 35:06 Sara’s realization that prioritizing self-care actually creates more time in her busy schedule 36:32 What changes Sara has noticed regarding her triggers 39:19 Mild, medium, and spicy practices for parents 42:19 Wrapping up discussion

203: How to move toward anti-racism with Kerry Cavers Feb 11, 2024

Show notes

Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience. It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat. This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode. I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode. I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it. Enjoy the conversation! Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest 03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racism and discusses the organization's mission and initiatives 05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations 13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society 18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism 24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother's personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage 28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power 31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she's been able to use them 43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event 47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact 50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1 Feb 04, 2024

Show notes

Listener Roberta submitted a question recently on YourParentingMojo.com/question: What does the research say are the decisions that really matter in parenting? That question immediately got my brain churning about what could be included, and how we would decide what to include, and how much of what's included could actually be research-based. The episode begins with a look at some of the major categories of factors that impact our children's development that we may not have as much control over, because we have to acknowledge these before we can look at what we do impact. Then I look at some of the things we do control but I think we can pretty safely stop worrying about them. The impact that each of these things has is likely to be so tiny as to individually meaningless. Finally, I count down my list of the top 5 things that I think impact children's development. This episode is for parents of children aged about 2 onwards. I think infants have some different needs, and I'm planning a separate episode on those later in the year. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Other episodes/blogs referenced:

Jump to highlights 00:54 Introducing the topic 01:09 Question from Listener Roberta 07:43 Socio-economic status affects a child's environment and parenting approaches 18:25 Jeannou's journey reveals the intricate link between upbringing and well-being 27:39 To understand what truly matters in parenting, we must consider both achievable outcomes and deeper definitions of success. 29:38 List of things that are not worth worrying about for children in their toddler years and beyond 33:06 The five things that really matter in parenting 48:21 Wrapping up the discussion References Bradley, R.H., & Corwyn, R.F. (2002). Socioeconomic status and child development. Annual Review of Psychology 53, 371-99. Hoff, E., Laursen, B., & Tardif, T. (2019). Socioeconomic status and parenting. In: M. H. Bornstein (Ed.). Handbook of parenting Volume 2: Biology and ecology of parenting (p.421-447). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Myers, D.G. (2008). Will money buy happiness? In S. Lopez (2008), Positive psychology: Exploring the best in people (Vol. 4: Pursuing human flourishing). Westport, CT: Praeger. Polderman, T.J.C., Benyamin, B., de Leeuw, C.A., Sullivan, P.F., van Bochoven, A., Visscher, P.M., & Posthuma, D. (2015). Meta-analysis of the heritability of human traits based on fifty years of twin studies. Nature Genetics 47(7), 702. Ulferts, H. (2020). Why parenting matters for children in the 21st century: An evidence-based framework for understanding parenting and its impact on child development. Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development Education Working Paper No. 222. Retrieved from: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Hannah-Ulferts/publication/342082899_Why_parenting_matters_for_children_in_the_21st_century_An_evidence-based_framework_for_understanding_parenting_and_its_impact_on_child_development/links/5ee1eb5aa6fdcc73be702921/Why-parenting-matters-for-children-in-the-21st-century-An-evidence-based-framework-for-understanding-parenting-and-its-impact-on-child-development.pdf

202: How to Heal from Adverse Childhood Experiences with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris and Jackie Thu-Huong Wong Jan 28, 2024

Show notes

My mom died when I was 10, and for a while people in our small village would look at my sister and me as if we were 'special' in some weird way. By the time I was a young adult that was just one of a stew of difficult experiences I'd had, and I also realized: my stuff is not special. By that age, most people are carrying around some kind of trauma. But so what? Does it matter? If our mental health is good enough, does it help to wallow around in all the stuff that's in the past? In this episode we talk with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, who has pioneered the connections between these kinds of Adverse Childhood Experiences and medical care for children, as well as Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California. We'll learn:

What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE);
How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well;
What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adults
Dr. Burke Harris' opinions of the 'best' authoritative parenting style;
A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Other episode mentioned: 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s topic and guests 04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin 06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris’s research expanded the understanding of ACEs beyond family-focused indicators 10:05 Exploring the paradox of declining death rates and the ongoing prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) 13:08 Highlighting the Stronger Starts campaign and the four key interventions (Four Be’s) 19:45 Limited resources pose overwhelming challenges for families, impacting decisions between staying in harmful situations and seeking help 22:39 Questioning the correlational nature of ACEs data 31:53 Addressing intergenerational trauma, the concern is raised for parents struggling with the transmission of intergenerational trauma 37:08 A listener, reflecting on childhood experiences and societal norms of good parenting, raises a question about Dr. Diana Baumrind's work 38:40 Emphasizing the Stronger Starts campaign's reliance on current research, evolving scientific understanding is paralleled with historical shifts (evident in changing perspectives on corporal punishment) 46:18 Wrapping up the discussion with three engagement options (mild, medium, spicy) Resources

The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity– Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (affiliate link)
First 5 California website– for parents
NumberStory.org– for parents
ACEsAware.org– for healthcare providers

References Anda, R.F., Porter, L.E., & Brown, D.W. (2020). Inside the Adverse Childhood Experience score: Strengths, limitations, and misapplications. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 59(2), 293-295. Baldwin, J.R., Caspi, A., Meehan, A.J., Ambler, A., Arseneault, L., Fisher, H.L., Harrington, H., Matthews, T., Odgers, C.L., Poulton, R. and Ramrakha, S. (2021). Population vs individual prediction of poor health from results of adverse childhood experiences screening. JAMA Pediatrics, 175(4), 385-393. Boparai, S.K.P., Au, V., Koita, K., Oh, D.L., Briner, S., Burke Harris, NB., & Bucci, M. (2018). Child Abuse & Neglect 81, 82-105. Briggs, E., Amaya-Jackson, L., Putnam, K.T., & Putnam, F.W. (2021). All adverse childhood experiences are not equal: The contribution of synergy to Adverse Childhood Experience scores. American Psychologist 76(2), 243. Burke Harris, N. (2018). The deepest well: Healing the long-term effects of childhood adversity. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. [Note: the book was republished also in 2018 under the title: Toxic childhood stress: The legacy of early trauma and how to heal.] Camacho, S., & Henderson, S.C. (2022). The social determinants of Adverse Childhood Experiences: An intersectional analysis of place, access to resources, and compounding effects. Carlson, S., Borrell, L.N., Eng, C., Nguyen, M., Thyne, S., LeNoir, M.A., Burke-Harris, N., Burchard, E.G., & Thakur, N. (2017). Self-reported racial/ethnic discrimination and bronchodilator response in African American youth with asthma. PLoS ONE 12(6), e0179091. Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D.F., Spitz, A.M., Edwards, V., Koss, M.P., & Marks, J.S. (1998). Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 14(4), 245-258. Finkelhor, D., Shattuck, A., Turner, H., & Hamby, S. (2013). Improving the Adverse Childhood Experiences study scale. JAMA Pediatrics 167(1), 70-75. Gilgoff, R., Singh, L., Koita, K., Gentile, B., & Marques, S. S. (2020). Adverse Childhood Experiences, outcomes, and interventions. Pediatric Clinics of North America 67, 259-273. Gross, S.M. (2020). Screening for Adverse Childhood Experiences in pediatric primary care. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, College Park, MD: University of Maryland. Retrieved from: https://archive.hshsl.umaryland.edu/bitstream/handle/10713/12951/Gross_AdverseChildhoodExperiences_2020.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y Koita, K., Long, D., Hessler, D., Benson, M., Daley, K., Bucci, M., Thakur, N., & Burke Harris, N. (2018). Development and implementation of a pediatric adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and other determinants of health questionnaire in the pediatric medical home: A pilot study. PLoS ONE 12(12): e0208088. Lacey, R.E., & Minnis, H. (2020). Practitioner review: Twenty years of research with Adverse Childhood Experience scores – advantages, disadvantages and applications to practice. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 61(2), 116-130. Long, D., Hessler, D., Koita, K., Bucci, M., Benson, M., Gilgoff, R., Thakur, N., & Burke Harris, N. (2022). Screening for Adverse Childhood Experiences in pediatrics: A randomized trial of aggregate-level versus item-level response screening formats. PLoS ONE 17(12), e0273491. Miller, T.R., Waehrer, G.M., Oh, D.L., Bopari, S.P., Walker, S.O., Marques, S.S., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Adult health burden and costs in California during 2013 associated with prior adverse childhood experiences. PLoS ONE 15(1), e0228019. Narayan, A.J., Lieberman, A.F., & Masten, A.S. (2021). Intergenerational transmission and prevention of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Clinical Psychology Review 85, 101997. Nelson, C.A., Bhutta, Z.A., Burke Harris, N., Danese, A., & Samara, M. (2020). Adversity in childhood is linked to mental and physical health throughout life. BMJ 371, 3048. Oh, D.L., Jerman, P., Boparai, S.K.P., Koita, K., Briner, S., Bucci, M., & Burke Harris, N. (2018). Review of tools for measuring exposure to adversity in children and adolescents. Journal of Pediatric Health Care 32(6), 564-583. Oh, D.L., Jerman, P., Marques, S.S., Koita, K., Boparai, S.K.P., Burke Harris, N., & Bucci, M. (2018). Systematic review of pediatric health outcomes associated with childhood adversity. BMC Pediatrics 18:83. Renschler, T.S., Lieberman, A.F., Hernandez Dimmler, M., & Burke Harris, N. (2013). Trauma-focused child-parent psychotherapy in a community pediatric clinic: A cross-disciplinary collaboration. In: J.E. Bettmann & D.D. Friedman (Eds.), Attachment-Based Clinical Work with Children and Adolescents (p.115-140). New York: Springer. Thakur, N., Hessler, D., Koita, K., Ye, M., Benson, M., Gilgoff, R., Bucci, M., Long, D., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Pediatric Adverse Childhood Experiences and related life events screener (PEARLS) and health in a safety-net practice. Child Abuse & Neglect 108: 104685. Waehrer, G.M., Miller, T.R., Marques, S.C.S., Oh, D.L., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Disease burden of Adverse Childhood Experiences across 14 states. PLoS ONE 15(1), e0226134.

201: How to create a culture of consent in our families Jan 14, 2024

Show notes

When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn't see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have? My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine. These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we're trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will - after all, we are doing this for their own good, right? But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child's needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety? That's what we'll work through in today's episode. We'll look closely at the way consent is perceived in our culture, and how these messages are transmitted - in school, in peer groups, in movies and songs, and in our families. I'm also introducing a new element into podcast episodes to help you put the ideas in the episode into practice. At the end of the episode I offer three suggestions for things you could try in your relationship with your own child - organized into mild, medium, and spicy options so you can step in at the level that feels right to you. Trigger warning: I do discuss sexual assault in this episode. It might not be one you listen to with your children around, and if you have experienced sexual assault, please make sure you're well resourced if you do choose to listen.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Are there times when your child doesn’t listen? Do they stall, ignore you, refuse to do the things you ask…and then look you right in the eye while doing the thing you asked them NOT to do? Do you feel disrespected when your child does these things – but have no idea what to do about it because the one thing you KNOW is that you don’t want to treat your child the same way your parents treated you? If so, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop will help. Click the banner to learn more Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights 00:54 Introducing today’s topic 05:24 Getting consent from babies through non-verbal cues 14:12 The existence of a rape culture that normalizes and trivializes sexual assault 16:55 Understanding consent beyond the typical script of cisgender heterosexual relationships 23:36 How distorted perceptions of feminism impact consent education 27:05 The importance of discussing consent beyond sexual situations 30:00 The lack of emphasis on consent in sex education standards and children's exposure to problematic portrayals of sex in media 41:19 The importance of teaching consent from childhood to counter rape culture rooted in patriarchal norms 45:49 Practical steps for parents to promote consent with their children 49:18 Listener Cori's experience underscores the importance of understanding a child's needs, promoting autonomy, and building consent-based relationships from an early age 56:02 The conclusion suggests three options for implementing the ideas discussed in the episode References Beres, M.A. (2021). From ignorance to knowledge: Sexual consent and queer stories. Feminism & Psychology 32(2), 137-155. Global News (2018, May 11). Asking your child if you can change their diaper raises them to know their consent matters: Expert. Author. Retrieved from: https://globalnews.ca/video/4202379/asking-your-child-if-you-can-change-their-diaper-raises-them-to-know-their-consent-matters-expert Gupta, D. [@Neo_url] (2018, February 18). If you’ve ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy’s ass during sex, you’ll know that they actually understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well. They act confused when it’s our bodies. [Tweet]. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/807c3m/for_the_guys_confused_about_consent/ Johnson, M., & Bennett, E. (2015, March). Everyday sexism: Australian women’s experiences of street harassment. The Australia Institute. Retrieved from: https://australiainstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Everyday_sexism_TAIMarch2015_0.pdf Kettrey, H.K., Davis, A.J., & Liberman, J. (2021). “Consent is F#@king Required”: Hashtag feminism surrounding sexual consent in a culture of postfeminist contradictions. Social Media + Society October-December, 1-11. Loick, D. (2019). “…as if it were a thing.” A feminist critique of consent. Constellations, 1-11. McGuire, L. (2021). Creating cultures of consent: A guide for parents and educators. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield. Mukhopadhyay, S. (2023, Jan 26). Justin Bieber no more holds rights to his music, sold for $200 million: Here’s why it’s the latest trend. Mint. Retrieved from: https://www.livemint.com/news/world/justin-bieber-no-more-holds-rights-to-his-music-sold-for-200-million-here-s-why-it-s-the-latest-trend-11674695521055.html National Institute of Justice (2008, September 30). Most victims know their attacker. Author. Retrieved from: https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/most-victims-know-their-attacker News.com.au (2019, May 11). Commentator mocked for saying parents should ask babies for consent to nappy change. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/commentator-mocked-for-saying-parents-should-ask-babies-for-consent-to-nappy-change/news-story/6f3c45120ef9de5dee3df81621715c1b Padilla-Walker, L.M., McLean, R.D., Ogles, B., & Pollard, B. (2020). How do parents teach “No means no”? An exploration of how sexual consent beliefs are socialized during adolescence. The Journal of Sex Research 57(9), 1122-1133. Popova, M. (2019). Sexual consent. Boston: MIT. RAINN (2023). Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence Rutherford, A. (2018, September 17). What the origins of the ‘1 in 5’ statistic teaches us about sexual assault policy. Behavioral Scientist. Retrieved from: https://behavioralscientist.org/what-the-origins-of-the-1-in-5-statistic-teaches-us-about-sexual-assault-policy/#:~:text=Referring%20to%20the%20number%20of,prevent%2C%20and%20prosecute%20sexual%20assault. Tarvis, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion (Revised Ed.). Chicago: Touchstone. Willis, M., Jozkowski, K.N., & Read, J. (2019). Sexual consent in K-12 sex education: An analysis of current health education standards in the United States. Sex Education 19(2), 226-236.

200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!) Jan 01, 2024

Show notes

When I saw that our 200th episode was coming up, I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate. Listeners called in with questions for me for our 100th episode, which was released in September 2019. The numbering is a bit fuzzy, I have to admit - we're actually well over 200 episodes because there have been an assortment of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo conversations with parents and other folks that use a different numbering system, but whatever. It's still a milestone😊 Back then, I was just getting into exploring big social justice issues on the podcast. Early in 2020 I did two episodes on how patriarchy affects our parenting, followed by an extended series on the intersection of race and parenting, and several episodes on advertising and consumerism. We learned a lot about sex, and I started what has become a series of 'deconstructed' episodes where I examine an idea that is usually assumed to be 'the way it is,' and find out that perhaps that isn't the way it is after all. I looked at:

How most of what we think we know about attachment theory is probably wrong
Authoritative isn't the best parenting 'style'
The current darling of anyone working on mental health, Polyvagal theory, is most likely a myth (although it may still be a somewhat useful myth)

In June of 2022, in preparation for a pair of episodes on supporting neurodivergent parents and children, I interviewed Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, who is autistic, to test out the autism screener. I wasn't expecting it to return a positive result for me, ultimately resulting in a self-diagnosis that, of course, I shared in an episode. Lots of listeners reached out after that one to offer gratitude, and one message I will carry for a long time said something like: "I always conceptually knew that neurodivergent people have value but it wasn't until I heard how your autism helps you to process all of this information for us that I truly got it." So given that you've heard a lot from and about me over the last few years, I thought a natural next step would be to offer listeners the option of asking my husband Alvin anything they wanted! We received quite a few questions, and two listeners - iris, who has been around for many years, and Corrine who joined us more recently - stepped up to co-interview him. I was quite willing to throw him to the wolves and let him do the interview himself but he wanted me to be there, so I joined as well. (I should note that the conversation was scheduled for a week when some really hard things were happening in a community that I'm in, and my energy level was a bit low.) Alvin has many amazing qualities but succinctness has never been among them, so unfortunately we only made it through about half of iris and Corrine's questions, as well as those that listeners submitted. We did talk about:

Alvin's relationship with his own parents (who think we're terrible parents to Carys);
How we met (an inappropriate workplace relationship!);
How Carys is similar to/different from us;
What I was like before I started the podcast compared to now;
How Alvin has changed over the last 10 years, as a person and as a parent - and how he's deepening his relationship with Carys using Your Parenting Mojo's tools

We plan to come back for round two in the future! Here are a couple of things we talked about on the episode:

A somewhat difficult-to-see picture of Alvin with long bleached hair
My guides to hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc with a baby

Jump to highlights 00:42 Introduction to this episode 00:55 Guest hosts Iris and Corrine introduce themselves 06:54 Alvin shares the elevator pitch for his love story with Jen 15:18 Jen’s qualities that drew Alvin to her 20:42 Alvin’s childhood and family interactions while growing up 27:17 Family conflicts arising from diverse approaches to meeting core needs, especially in Carys's relationship with her grandparents 32:22 The changes (if any) in Jen's personality and approach to parenting from before she started researching the topic to the present 37:28 Alvin’s reflection on the impact and significance of Your Parenting Mojo 43:51 The ways Carys differs from Jen and Alvin 47:14 The most significant shifts for Alvin as a parent and as a person. 57:56 Wrapping up the discussion

Taming Your Triggers Waitlist — **199: Digging Deeper into Parenting Beyond Power with Rachel Disney** Dec 10, 2023
Show notes

Listener Rachel also reached out with some questions, and due to my book tour schedule it took us a little longer to get a call on the calendar, but eventually - on a day in Seattle when I also had a coaching call and two two-hour workshops based on the book - we made it happen. Rachel's questions go deeeep. She wanted to know:

If there are ideas I logically know are the right ones to follow but I still have trouble doing it;

How my parenting is evolving as Carys gets older (her own daughter is a year older than Carys);

Whether I think my view of parenting is possible within the social and political systems in which we currently live.

Parenting Beyond Power
Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world? *Parenting Beyond Power* is your key to unlocking this transformative path. Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all. So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of *Parenting Beyond Power* now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.
Taming *Your* Triggers
Do you often find yourself caught in the whirlwind of your child's challenging behavior? Are you seeking ways to foster calm and connection in your parenting journey, even during the most trying moments? Look no further—Taming Your Triggers will help. If you:

Often feel triggered by your child’s difficult behavior…

Want to find out how to get your child to stop doing the thing that drives you up the wall

Know you want to respond calmly to your child but can’t seem to do it in the moment…

Want to parent with love and connection even on the most stressful days

Feel like gentle parenting techniques won’t ‘work’ with your child

Then Taming Your Triggers is for you. This workshop will empower you with the tools, insights, and support to navigate the ups and downs of parenting with confidence. It helps in all relationships - spouses and parents/in-laws too! Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen. **Jump to highlights** 01:20 Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:51 Rachel asks how the content of Parenting Beyond Power differs from that of the podcast 07:19 Rachel appreciates the comprehensiveness of the book and asks if there will be another on the topic of Taming Your Triggers. 07:56 Jen recommends a related book and emphasizes the value of community support for deep inner work in changing reactions to triggers. 08:46 Rachel asks whether power is inherently bad, specifically in the context of parents having power. 14:01 Jen warns against using parental power to control love and belonging through conditional rewards, leading to an unhealthy dynamic with children. 15:12 Rachel asks Jen about personal struggles applying podcast principles, questioning if difficulties persist despite knowing they're right. 19:32 Jen emphasizes recognizing resistance in both children and adults and discusses the trifecta of frustration, anger, and resentment as indicators of unmet needs for parents and children. 21:39 Jen discusses how she reconciles being research-based when acknowledging the biases in the research. 26:42 Rachel asks how Jen measures success. 28:18 They explore whether it's reasonable to ask parents, especially White parents, to challenge societal norms and emphasize the collective responsibility to confront and dismantle systems rooted in White supremacy. 32:28 The conversation mentions the overrepresentation of participants with one or two children, speculating on political leanings. Jen affirms her parenting approach's relevance for families with more children. 36:00 Jen talks about her hopes for readers and what she wants them to take away from the book. 39:33 Rachel acknowledges understanding the book's emphasis on building a better society through individual change. 40:23 Wrapping up the discussion

198: The connection between your ideas about childhood and politics with Dr. Toby Rollo Nov 26, 2023

Show notes

A couple of years ago I was watching a session of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education's online conference by unschooling advocate Idzie Desmerais. At some point she dropped a quote into her presentation that I jotted down but didn't think much of at the time: What if your ideas about politics were just your ideas about childhood, extrapolated? I returned to my notes some months later, having spent much of that time immersed in writing the first draft of the book, the quote almost took my breath away. There, right in front of me, was a single sentence that encapsulated so much of what I'd been thinking and writing about. On the surface, it may seem as though these topics are completely unrelated but they are actually intimately connected. We use politics set up systems that support the culture we want to live in. We create systems that make it harder to vote because we don't think everyone should be able to vote - especially if you aren't White, male, or at least middle class. We abolish Affirmative Action in college admissions because we think everyone has the same basic chance to succeed, so there's no reason to support some more than others. Government policies establish the conditions of capitalism - like manipulating interest rates, regulating companies' ability to engage in certain business practices, and offering tax cuts for activities we collectively think are good, which ends up transferring wealth from people with less money who rent, to people with more money who buy homes. And we shape them to try to ensure their success in these systems. If we believe that people should basically take care of themselves rather than relying on support from others, since we all have equal skills and freedoms, then we're probably going to raise children who do things for themselves without relying on other people. If we see that boys get punished for 'being soft' and that girls get punished for expressing big ideas (Clementine Ford's Boys Will Be Boys, which discusses online take-downs of women who express ideas, is one of the most depressing books I've ever read), then we're probably going to raise boys who don't express weakness, or girls who express big ideas. (Little ideas are OK...but nothing that could rock the boat too much.) If we think that there are limited resources in the world and our child has to get their place in school, university, employment or someone else will, then we're going to work to get our child ahead in that system. And because all of those systems out in the world rely on one person or group's power over another person or group, we practice that at home as well. In this provocative episode, Dr. Toby Rollo explains in-depth how our ideas about politics are our ideas about childhood, extrapolated. Yes, it's theoretical...but we also discuss what this means for OUR real children in OUR real families.

Parenting Beyond Power

Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world? Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path. Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all. So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights 00:42 Introduction to today’s guest and topic 02:16 The definition of children and childhood 04:58 The historical shift from a protective view of childhood to a modern perspective emphasizing children's progression toward becoming adults and citizens 10:55 The developmental view of childhood is criticized for biases, as it deems non-Western governance as inferior. 16:23 Dr. Toby Rollo challenges the Western perspective on political agency, seeing children as political agents. 20:38 Dismantling racism and patriarchy requires challenging early patterns of oppression in adult-child relationships 30:50 Advocating for a change in society's focus to better empower children and families 37:12 Exploring the link between political ideologies and ideas about childhood 45:12 Dr. Rollo suggests conventional school success doesn't guarantee overall well-being and advocates for fostering children's internal motivation and self-awareness. 54:00 Wrapping up the discussion References Araujo, E., Ferretti, F., Ince, A., Moason, K., Mullenite, J., Pickerill, J., Rollo, T., & White, R.J. (2017). Beyond electoralism: Reflections on anarchy, populism, and the crisis of electoral politics. ACME: An International E-Journal for Critical Geographies 16(4), 607-642. Brito Vieira, M., Jung, T., Gray, S.W.D., & Rollo, T. (2019). The nature of silence and its democratic possibilities. Contemporary Political Theory 18, 424-447. Rollo, T. (2016). Everyday deeds: Enactive protest, exit, and silence in deliberative systems. Political Theory 45(5), 587-609. Rollo, T. (2016). Democracy, agency, and radical children’s geographies. In: R.J. White, S. Springer, and Lopes de Sousa, M.: The Practice of Freedom: Anarchism, Geography, and the Spirit of Revolt (Vol. 3) (p.235-255). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Rollo, T. (2018). Feral children: Settler colonialism, progress, and the figure of the child. Settler Colonial Studies 8(1), 60-79. Rollo, T. (2018). The color of childhood: The role of the child/human binary in the production of anti-Black racism. Journal of Black Studies 49(4), 307-329. Rollo, T. (2020). Women and Children First! Childhood, Feminisms, and the Co-emancipatory Model. Turbulent Times, Transformational Possibilities?: Gender and Politics Today and Tomorrow, 199.

197: What to do about reward and punishment systems at school with Denise Suarez Nov 12, 2023

Show notes

This is the first in a series of 'back to basics' episodes here on the show, where we'll look at the everyday challenges you're facing as a parent. (Have an idea for an episode? Share it on this thread in our free Facebook group, send us a max 2 minute video of you saying your question, or click here to record an audio message for me...) I'd wanted to do an episode on the use of reward & punishment systems in classrooms for a while, and when I mentioned this to my community manager Denise, she immediately started telling me all about the systems in her children's classrooms. So Denise sent me her questions, and we chatted through the research-based answers in this episode. To make it easier for you to start a conversation at your school about rewards and punishment systems, I've created a one page 'cheat sheet' for you to share with others. Just click the image below to download it! Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:16 Denise delves into her decision to opt for public school, specifically the factors that led her to choose the particular school she did over other available options 07:53 Denise shares her experiences related to rewards and punishments prompted her to discuss this episode 14:51 Positive Behavior Intervention and Support (PBIS) is explored, with the discussion touching on concerns about potential humiliation and conflicting principles in behavior management systems 25:50 Behavior issues result from the coercive U.S. education system, where teachers may prioritize quiet classrooms over addressing problems, potentially hindering genuine student learning. 27:14 Ways to foster kids' intrinsic motivation in light of the prevalent use of extrinsic motivation in the classroom are explored 32:22 Self-determination theory and its application in this context is discussed 35:44 Strategies to prevent burnout for children are explored, considering their substantial time in school, with a focus on identifying warning signs of any diminishing effectiveness in current approach. 44:32 Addressing racialized parents' support of the system involves recognizing privilege and having delicate conversations to advocate for change 53:33 Identify and address barriers like childcare and transportation to make parental involvement more accessible and effective in the community. 55:03 Fostering a culture of autonomy, connectedness, and competence in the classroom requires understanding and meeting the diverse needs of students and teachers, building genuine connections, and addressing concerns to create a community of care and love in the learning environment. 01:04:32 Understanding individual needs and values is crucial when considering educational choices. 01:09:58 Wrapping up References Adams, D. (2015). Implementation of school-wide Positive Behavior Supports in the Neoliberal Context in an Urban Elementary School. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Syracuse University.

Bornstein, J. (2017). Can PBIS build justice rather than merely restore order? In The School to Prison Pipeline: The Role of Culture and Discipline in School (p.135-167). Retrieved from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/S2051-231720160000004008 Bornstein, J. (2017). Entanglements of discipline, behavioral intervention, race, and disability. Journal of Cases in Educational Leadership 20(2), 131-144. Bornstein, J. (2015). “If they’re on Tier I, there are really no concerns that we can see:” PBIS medicalizes compliant behavior. Journal of Ethnographic & Qualitative Research 9, 247-267. Calais, J., & Green, M. (2022). The racial pandemic: Positive Behavior Intervention Support as an asymptomatic carrier of racism. Perspectives on Early Childhood Psychology and Education 6(1), Article 4. Compise, Karin D. (2019). Student perceptions of the clip chart management system. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of the Pacific, Stockton, CA. Kim, R.M., & Venet, A.S. (2023). Unsnarling PBIS and Trauma-Informed Education. Urban Education 1-29. DOI: 10.1177/00420859231175670 Kowalski, M.J., & Froiland, J.M. (2020). Parent perceptions of elementary classroom management systems and their children’s motivational and emotional responses. Social Psychology of Education 23, 433-448. Lewis, T. J., & Sugai, G. (1999). Effective behavior support: A systems approach to proactive School wide management. Focus on Exceptional Children, 31(6), 1-24. Noddings, N. (2005). The challenge to care in schools. New York: Teacher’s College Press. Robbins, C.G., & Kovalchuk, S. (2012). Dangerous disciplines: Understanding pedagogies of punishment in the neoliberal states of America. Journal of Pedagogy 3, 198-218. Shalaby, C. (2017). Troublemakers: Lessons in freedom from young children at school. New York: The New Press. Williamson, B. (2017). Decoding ClassDojo: Psychopolicy, social-emotional learning, and persuasive educational technologies. Learning, Media and Technology 42(4), 440-453.