Kids & Family
**Your Parenting Mojo – Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive**

Parenting is hard…but does it have to be this hard?

Wouldn’t it be better if your kids would stop pressing your buttons quite as often, and if there was a little more of you to go around (with maybe even some left over for yourself)?

On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, Jen Lumanlan M.S., M.Ed explores academic research on parenting and child development. But she doesn’t just tell you the results of the latest study – she interviews researchers at the top of their fields, and puts current information in the context of the decades of work that have come before it. An average episode reviews ~30 peer-reviewed sources, and analyzes how the research fits into our culture and values – she does all the work, so you don’t have to!

Jen is the author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family – and the World (Sasquatch/Penguin Random House). The podcast draws on the ideas from the book to give you practical, realistic strategies to get beyond today’s whack-a-mole of issues. Your Parenting Mojo also offers workshops and memberships to give you more support in implementing the ideas you hear on the show.

The single idea that underlies all of the episodes is that our behavior is our best attempt to meet our needs. Your Parenting Mojo will help you to see through the confusing messages your child’s behavior is sending so you can parent with confidence: You’ll go from: “I don’t want to yell at you!” to “I’ve got a plan.”

New episodes are released every other week – there’s content for parents who have a baby on the way through kids of middle school age. Start listening now by exploring the rich library of episodes on meltdowns, sibling conflicts, parental burnout, screen time, eating vegetables, communication with your child – and your partner… and much much more!

Latest Episodes:

233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says Jan 12, 2025

Show notes

Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

Pediatricians and researchers commonly recommend that parents use time outs when kids misbehave. Time outs are promoted as an effective, evidence-based parenting strategy - although the real reason they’re so highly recommended is that they cause less damage to children than hitting.But if we’re already using respectful/gentle parenting strategies most of the time, could there be any benefit to adding time outs when our children don’t comply with more gentle methods? This episode delves into the research on:

Which children and families researchers think time outs are effective for(it’s not the same group of children who are usually study participants!);
The precise time out script that has been shown to be effective(and why it works);
Whether time outs harm children or not(this is one of the biggest controversies in the Gentle Parenting world)

If you’ve heard that time out is an effective strategy to gain children’s cooperation but weren’t sure whether it fits with your Gentle Parenting approach, this episode will help you to decide for yourself whether it’s a good fit for you and your family. Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 00:03 Introduction 10:23 Historical context and research on timeouts 17:26 Critical analysis of timeout research 28:36 Effective implementation of timeouts 33:59 Challenges and limitations of timeouts 41:49 Jen's personal experiences and emotional impact 49:29 Alternative perspectives and values 57:39 Conclusion and next steps References: Allen, K. D., & Warzak, W. J. (2000). The problem of parental nonadherence in clinical behavior analysis: Effective treatment is not enough. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 33(3), 373-391. Bostow, D. E., & Bailey, J. B. (1969). Modification of severe disruptive and aggressive behavior using brief timeout and reinforcement procedures. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 2(1), 31-37. Brown, G. D., & Tyler Jr, V. O. (1968). Time out from reinforcement: A technique for dethroning the “duke” of an institutionalized delinquent group. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 9(3‐4), 203-211. Burchard, J. D., & Barrera, F. (1972). AN ANALYSIS OF TIMEOUT AND RESPONSE COST IN A PROGRAMMED ENVIRONMENT 1. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 5(3), 271-282. Carraturo, F., Di Perna, T., Giannicola, V., Nacchia, M. A., Pepe, M., Muzii, B., ... & Scandurra, C. (2023). Envy, social comparison, and depression on social networking sites: a systematic review. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education, 13(2), 364-376. Corralejo, S. M., Jensen, S. A., Greathouse, A. D., & Ward, L. E. (2018). Parameters of time-out: Research update and comparison to parenting programs, books, and online recommendations. Behavior therapy, 49(1), 99-112. Everett, G. E., Hupp, S. D., & Olmi, D. J. (2010). Time-out with parents: A descriptive analysis of 30 years of research. Education and Treatment of Children, 33(2), 235-259. Kendall, S. B. (1965). Spontaneous recovery after extinction with periodic time-outs. Psychonomic Science, 2, 117-118. Knight, R. M., Albright, J., Deling, L., Dore-Stites, D., & Drayton, A. K. (2020). Longitudinal relationship between time-out and child emotional and behavioral functioning. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 41(1), 31-37. Larzelere, R. E., & Raumrind, D. (2010). Are spanking injunctions scientifically supported. Law & Contemp. Probs., 73, 57. Larzelere, R. E., Gunnoe, M. L., Pritsker, J., & Ferguson, C. J. (2024). Resolving the Contradictory Conclusions from Three Reviews of Controlled Longitudinal Studies of Physical Punishment: A Meta-Analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 60(7), 395-433. Leitenberg, H. (1965). Is time-out from positive reinforcement an aversive event? A review of the experimental evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 64(6), 428. Lieneman, C. C., Girard, E. I., Quetsch, L. B., & McNeil, C. B. (2020). Emotion regulation and attrition in parent–child interaction therapy. Journal of child and family studies, 29, 978-996. Morawska, A., & Sanders, M. (2011). Parental use of time out revisited: A useful or harmful parenting strategy? Journal of Child and Family Studies 20, 1-8. Risley, T. R. (1968). The effects and side effects of punishing the autistic behaviors of a deviant child. Journal of applied behavior analysis, 1(1), 21-34. Roberts, M. W. (1988). Enforcing chair timeouts with room timeouts. Behavior Modification, 12(3), 353-370. Roberts, M. W. (1982). Resistance to timeout: Some normative data. Behavioral Assessment 4, 239-246. Roberts, S. (2021, June 3). Arthur Staats dies at 97; called ‘time out’ for unruly kids. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/03/health/dr-arthur-staats-dead.html Rubenstein, L., & Mourino, A. P. (1983). Time-out: an evaluation of a behavior management technique. Pediatr Dent, 5(2), 109-112. Samra, A., Warburton, W. A., & Collins, A. M. (2022). Social comparisons: A potential mechanism linking problematic social media use with depression. Journal of Behavioral Addictions. Sanders, M. R., Bor, W., & Morawska, A. (2007). Maintenance of treatment gains: a comparison of enhanced, standard, and self-directed Triple P-Positive Parenting Program. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 35, 983-998. Siegel, D. (2014, October 29). You said WHAT about Time-Outs?! Dr. Dan Siegel. Retrieved from: https://drdansiegel.com/you-said-what-about-time-outs/ Spitalnik, R., & Drabman, R. (1976). A classroom timeout procedure for retarded children. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 7(1), 17-21. “The Colombo Family,” Supernanny. Season 7, Episode 9. Ricochet Television, 2011. U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Essentials for parenting toddlers and preschoolers. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/about/index.html U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Tips for Time Out. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/time-out/index.html U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (n.d.). Treatment of ADHD. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/treatment/?CDC_AAref_Val=https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/treatment.html Vander Schaaf, S. (2019, March 9). The man who developed timeouts for kids now stands by his hotly-debated idea. Washington Post. Retrieved from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-man-who-developed-timeouts-for-kids-stands-by-his-now-hotly-debated-idea/2019/03/08/c169439e-3159-11e9-8ad3-9a5b113ecd3c_story.html Webster-Stratton, C., Reid, M. J., & Hammond, M. (2004). Treating children with early-onset conduct problems: Intervention outcomes for parent, child, and teacher training. Journal of clinical child and adolescent psychology, 33(1), 105-124. Weinberg, M. K., Beeghly, M., Olson, K. L., & Tronick, E. (2008). A still-face paradigm for young children: 2½ year-olds’ reactions to maternal unavailability during the still-face. The journal of developmental processes, 3(1), 4. Willoughby, R. H. (1969). The effects of time-out from positive reinforcement on the operant behavior of preschool children. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 7(2), 299-313. Willoughby, R. H. (1970). The influence of different response consequences on children's preference for time-out. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 9(2), 133-141. Wolf, M., Risley, T., & Mees, H. (1963). Application of operant conditioning procedures to the behaviour problems of an autistic child. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 1(2-4), 305-312. Wolraich, M. L., Hagan, J. F., Allan, C., Chan, E., Davison, D., Earls, M., ... & Zurhellen, W. (2019). Clinical practice guideline for the diagnosis, evaluation, and treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 144(4). Xu, Jingyi, Lucy A. Tully, and Mark R. Dadds. "Generation time-out grows up: young adults’ reports about childhood time-out use and their mental health, attachment, and emotion regulation." European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (2024): 1-9.

232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers Jan 05, 2025

Show notes

What Dog Trainers Know That You Don’t!

Ever felt stuck figuring out how to respond to your child’s challenging behavior? What if the key lies in techniques used by master dog trainers? In this episode, we explore how strategies designed to nurture trust and communication with dogs can revolutionize the way we parent. From co-regulation to building a culture of consent, you’ll learn actionable steps to create a harmonious home environment.

What you’ll learn:

Read dogs’ non-verbal cues to prevent bites - and how reading your child’s can prevent meltdowns.
Never yell at dogs—and what they do to get cooperation instead.
Calm anxious dogs—the same technique can reduce your child’s tantrums.
Build trust and gain consent with dogs—which can also strengthen your relationship with your child.
Stay calm under pressure—their strategies can help you navigate parenting stress as well.

This episode ties together the science of behavior with empathy to show that parenting doesn’t have to mean power struggles. By understanding your child’s needs (just like dog trainers learn to understand their dogs), you’ll build a connection that lasts a lifetime. Don’t miss out on this unique perspective on parenting! Love what you’re learning? Support the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one! 👉 Click here: https://learn.yourparentingmojo.com/donate Ready to test your parenting instincts? Take our free Quiz to see how these strategies could work for you! Click the banner below.

Book mentioned in this episode:

Affiliate Links

Mentioned Episodes

Jump to highlights

00:03 Introduction to Your Parenting Mojo Podcast 03:09 Acknowledgment of Listeners and Financial Support 04:39 Jen's Experience with Dog Training at the East Bay SPCA 06:47 Introduction to Dog Training Hacks 10:30 Hack 10: Creating a Culture of Consent 10:42 Hack 9: Not Dominating Our Children 15:38 Hack 8: Identifying Pressure Points 19:09 Hack 7: Don't Repeat Yourself 20:19 Hack 6: Shouting Doesn't Gain Compliance 22:42 Hack 5: Not Expecting Immediate Compliance 26:30 Hack 4: Getting Comfortable with Dysregulation 31:55 Hack 3: Co-Regulating with Your Child 34:30 Hack 2: Supporting Skill Building in Stressful Situations 39:40 Hack 1: Understanding Non-Verbal Communication 49:28 Conclusion and Call to Action

References

McConnell, P. (2002). The other end of the leash: Why we do what we do around dogs. Random House. The Monks of New Skete. (2002). How to be your dog's best friend: A training manual for dog owners. Little, Brown and Company. Lumanlan, J. (2023). Parenting beyond power: How to use connection and collaboration to transform your family—and the world.

231: How to support baby’s development after a Wonder Week Dec 15, 2024

Show notes

Expert strategies for baby's growth and development beyond Wonder Weeks In Part 2 of our Wonder Weeks series, we’re exploring how to support your baby’s development once a Wonder Week has passed. Is there a predictable schedule to follow, or is your baby’s crying tied to something unique? In this episode, we’ll dive into: ✨ What research says about crying and developmental stages. ✨ The cultural influences behind parenting decisions and baby care. ✨ Strategies to support your baby through challenging times, Wonder Week or not. ✨ Ways to handle stress and ensure both you and your baby thrive. Whether your baby follows the Wonder Weeks timeline or forges their own path, this episode equips you with the insights and tools you need to nurture their growth. Book mentioned in this episode: The Wonder Weeks by Dr. Frans Plooij and Hetty van de RijtChildhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias by Virginia MendezMentioned Episodes Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research saysEpisode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably WrongEpisode 72: What is RIE?Episode 084: The science of RIEEpisode 173: Why we shouldn’t read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymoreEpisode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana HillEpisode 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real?Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part IIEpisode 031: Parenting beyond pink and blueEpisode 017: Don’t bother trying to increase your child’s self-esteemEpisode 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?Jump to Highlights 00:00 Introduction to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast 01:49 Exploring the Developmental Leaps in Wonder Weeks 02:50 Critical Analysis of Leap Descriptions 12:04 Evaluating Leap Seven and Leap Eight 14:23 Parental Concerns and Cultural Influences 19:31 The Role of Social Support in Parenting 19:47 Addressing Fussy Periods and Parental Stress 44:34 The Evolution and Function of Regression Periods 51:10 Critique of Wonder Weeks' Parenting Advice 57:36 Conclusion and Final Thoughts References Alink, L. R. A., Mesman, J., van Zeijl, J., Stolk, M. N., Juffer, F., Koot, H. M., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2006). The early aggression curve: Development of physical aggression in 10- to 50- month old children. Child Development, 77(4), 954-966. Brix, N., Ernst, A., Lauridsen, L. L. B., Parner, E., Støvring, H., Olsen, J., ... & Ramlau‐Hansen, C. H. (2019). Timing of puberty in boys and girls: A population‐based study. Paediatric and Perinatal Epidemiology, 33(1), 70-78. Feldman, D. H., & Benjamin, A. C. (2004). Going backward to go forward: The critical role of regressive movement in cognitive development. Journal of Cognition and Development, 5(1), 97-102. Gopnik, A., & Meltzoff, A. N. (1985). From people, to plans, to objects: Changes in the meaning of early words and their relation to cognitive development. Journal of Pragmatics, 9(4), 495-512. Green, B. L., Furrer, C., & McAllister, C. (2007). How do relationships support parenting? Effects of attachment style and social support on parenting behavior in an at-risk population. American Journal of Community Psychology, 40, 96-108. Hall, E. S., Folger, A. T., Kelly, E. A., & Kamath-Rayne, B. D. (2013). Evaluation of gestational age estimate method on the calculation of preterm birth rates. Maternal and Child Health Journal, 18, 755-762. Horwich, R. H. (1974). Regressive periods in primate behavioral development with reference to other mammals. Primates, 15, 141-149. Jusczyk, P. W., & Krumhansl, C. L. (1993). Pitch and rhythmic patterns affecting infants' sensitivity to musical phrase structure. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance, 19(3), 627. Krumhansl, C. L., & Jusczyk, P. W. (1990). Infants’ perception of phrase structure in music. Psychological Science, 1(1), 70-73. Luger, C. (2018, January 8). Chelsey Luger: The cradleboard is making a comeback among tribal families. Yes! Magazine. Retrieved from https://indianz.com/News/2018/01/08/chelsey-luger-the-cradleboard-is-making.asp. Mizuno, T., et al. (1970). Maturation patterns of EEG basic waves of healthy infants under twelve-months of age. The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine, 102(1), 91-98. Nez Perce Historical Park (n.d.). Cradleboard. Author. Retrieved from https://www.nps.gov/museum/exhibits/nepe/exb/dailylife/GenderRoles/cradleboards/NEPE57_Cradle-Board.html. Plooij, F. X. (2020). The phylogeny, ontogeny, causation and function of regression periods explained by reorganizations of the hierarchy of perceptual control systems. In The Interdisciplinary Handbook of Perceptual Control Theory (pp. 199-225). Academic Press. Sadurní, M., Pérez Burriel, M., & Plooij, F. X. (2010). The temporal relation between regression and transition periods in early infancy. The Spanish Journal of Psychology, 13(1), 112-126. Sadurní, M., & Rostan, C. (2003). Reflections on regression periods in the development of Catalan infants. In Regression Periods in Human Infancy (pp. 7-22). Psychology Press. Seehagen, S., et al. (2015). Timely sleep facilitates declarative memory consolidation in infants. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(5), 1625-1629. Tremblay, R. E. (2004). Decade of behavior distinguished lecture: Development of physical aggression during infancy. Infant Mental Health Journal, 25(5), 399-407. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control (n.d.). CDC’s Developmental Milestones. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html. Wapner, J. (2020, April 15). Are sleep regressions real? The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/baby/sleep-regression.html. [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Emma 00:00 Emma. Hi, I'm Emma, and I'm listening from the UK. We all want our children to lead fulfilled lives, but we're surrounded by conflicting information and click bait headlines that leave us wondering what to do as parents. The Your Parenting Mojo podcast distills scientific research on parenting and child development into tools parents can actually use every day in their real lives with their real children. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a free infographic on the 13 Reasons Your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one, just head on over to yourparenting mojo.com/subscribe, and pretty soon you're going to get tired of hearing my voice. Read this intro, so come and record one yourself at your parenting mojo.com/recordtheintro. Jen Lumanlan 00:45 Hello and welcome to the second of our two part episode on the Wonder weeks on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. In part one of this mini series, we looked at the research that underpins the concept of regression periods, which is the idea that babies go through periods where they are more fussy than usual, because they're getting ready to make a developmental leap. In that episode, we saw that, while we might assume that given the global distribution of the Wonder weeks, book and app, that the information is based on studies of 1000s of babies from many different locations, which all came to similar conclusions, that actually they're based on one single study and three attempted replications with a total of about 80 children, all of European parents who were specifically selected because they were homogenous, meaning they were white and in two parent families and had secure incomes, and the mother planned to stay home with the baby for two years and had lots of family support, if not all of those conditions were in place, then the whole thing kind of fell apart pretty fast. In this episode, I want to take a closer look at the developmental part of the leaps, rather than the fussiness. And the timing of the fussiness. I look back at the ploys earliest paper describing the leaps to see where they got the idea that leaps exist and what they mean. I wanted to understand whether, even though there might be disagreements about when the fussy periods are, we could still get some useful information out of knowing more about the developmental periods that the ploys say happen in between the fussy periods. So we're going to look at the evidence for the development that the ploys say happens in each of these periods, and also consider what, if anything, we should do with that information to support our babies and ourselves. The ploys research mostly focuses on the fussy behavior that precedes the leaps, both because it's much easier to measure than the development itself, as well as because that's perhaps understandably what parents are worried about. They want to know that what they're going through is normal and that they aren't responsible for the difficult behavior they're seeing, but in the books, they also describe the development that's apparently happening in between the fussy periods. So let's see what evidence we can find that supports their descriptions. The first thing that stands out to me in the LEAP section of the Wonder weeks website is how fuzzy the languages. Here's an example, conveniently drawn from leap one. Quote from week four, your baby enters leap one, the world of sensations. The first signals of your baby's leap will appear between weeks four to six after the due date. Learn everything about leap one in the Wonder weeks app after this leap, baby senses will undergo a sudden, rapid growth. Your baby will notice that something new and strange is happening and in their world, and they could get upset after taking leap one. Your baby will be open for new experiences, and we will notice that he or she is more sensitive. End quote, uh, what? What does this actually mean? It's like grasping at fog. There's no specific terms here that we can research ourselves, no indication that this sudden, rapid growth of baby senses that they're describing is based in research. How on earth are they measuring that babies are more open for new experiences and are also more sensitive? I went through all of the language describing the leaps and tried to find evidence supporting each of them, I looked for terms that actually meant something and ran them through Google Scholar with variations of search terms related to infant development, and I didn't find very much. After going through leap two, the ploys say that, quote, your baby stops seeing the world as one big mishmash and starts to discover patterns. End, quote, I couldn't find any specific information on pattern recognition at this age, the one paper I did find observed that the development of pattern recognition, not just in terms of visual patterns, but also patterns in language and relationships, is ongoing throughout the early years. There's no mention of a specific leap around week 10, moving on to leap three. Around 11 weeks, you may see signs of the next leap approaching. Leap three. The world of smooth transitions, your baby is acquiring yet another new skill. Smooth transitions are things, whether tones, the brightness of light or moving objects that smoothly change into something else. Smooth transitions are so natural to adults that we barely notice them anymore. For your baby, these are the most complex things they can handle, and are therefore peak experiences. It was hard to find any evidence related to this. The paper I did find was written by two authors who are both psychologists, and one is also an ophthalmologist, who showed that visual functions of symmetry, COVID, linearity, motion, depth, acuity, these are all beginning to develop from birth until they show more adult like signatures at seven to eight months with no specific shift in the 11 to 13 week window. Leap four involves grabbing objects which we can actually find evidence to support. This is a common enough milestone it shows up in developmental charts. Deploys also suggest that infants will start babbling in this period around four months, when developmental charts published by the Centers for Disease Control put this at closer to six months. So the ploys are right when they say in the Wonder weeks book that they mention their skills really are on the earliest possible end of when they might appear. I couldn't find any evidence at all for leap five on putting together the relationships between all the earlier leaps. Leap six on dividing the world into categories or groups, or LEAP seven on beginning to assemble and connect things rather than only deconstruct them. Leap eight is described in such weird language that I initially couldn't understand it. It involves the ability to observe and perform various programs. And when I put that together with the idea that the child will learn that an end goal can be achieved in different ways, I finally understood that they're talking about planning, they also pick up this idea in the LEAP nine description. Welcome to the world of principles. If your toddler has taken the leap, you will notice they are running all kinds of programs more smoothly, more naturally and more clearly. Around 64 weeks, your toddler will be a bit used to their new world and the journey of discovery can begin. Leaf nine is the leap of principles. Your toddler is more adept at handling the world of programs. As a result, they can not only imitate programs better, but also change them and create them by themselves. As a result, your little one will learn to think ahead, to reflect, to consider the consequences of their actions, to make plans and to balance them against each other. When we put these two leaps together, we can finally find solid evidence. Dr Allison gottnick and her colleagues did some work on this topic in the 1980s which is not cited in any of the Wonder weeks books which argues that the words there no and more represent baby's plans. Specifically, there encodes the success of a plan, no encodes the failure of a plan, and more encodes the repetition of a plan or a request for assistance. These words are also used to encode relationships between objects there encodes the location of objects, more encodes the similarity of objects, meaning this thing I just had and that thing over there, the same and I want more of it. And no is used to negate propositions around 18 months, children apply these words to their current concerns, right around the 64 weeks predicted by leap nine, although rather later than leap eight, where it's first discussed, the description of LEAP 10 is that you will notice that your toddler is a little more enterprising. They are behaving more maturely. They become very aware of themselves, gain a better understanding of time, begin to really enjoy music, and they treat things and toys differently. They want to do everything by themselves. And I'm thinking, Well, yes, it would be sort of surprising if, all things equal, your child wasn't behaving more maturely as time went on. A child is going to gain a better understanding of time as time goes on, as it were, from the early days in infancy, when they had no idea where you went, when you disappeared, to being able to predict when something will happen that comes on a daily basis to understanding what just a minute means, which, when we say is almost never just one minute, their understanding of time is continually evolving. I also have a video of my daughter, Karis, at about eight months, sitting on a mat and swaying in time to someone's guitar playing, clearly enjoying music. I'm not seeing anything unique in treating things and toys differently, which can happen at a variety of ages for a variety of different reasons. Holovitz brings us to how does the Wonder weeks…

Full show notes at the publisher

230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says Dec 01, 2024

Show notes

The Science of Why Babies Cry More and What Parents Need to Know You may have noticed that your baby sometimes seems calm and relaxed…and then goes through a ‘fussy’ phase, where they seem to cry no matter what you do. Do these fussy phases happen on a predictable schedule? Is it predictable for all babies…and for all parents? In this episode, we dive into the research behind the theory of the Wonder Weeks, as described in the books and app. This popular concept suggests that all babies experience predictable periods of fussiness in preparation for going through developmental ‘leaps,’ but the science behind it may be much more limited than you expect. We break down the available research, explain why babies might cry more at certain stages, and help parents understand the truth about these so-called Wonder Weeks. What topics do we cover? How Wonder Weeks became a popular theoryWhat actual research says about baby crying phasesWays to support your baby during fussy times, whether or not Wonder Weeks applyBy the end, you’ll feel more informed about why babies cry and have a clearer idea of whether Wonder Weeks is a useful tool for understanding your baby’s needs. Episodes Mentioned: SYPM 016: Getting it right from the start with a new baby Episode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably WrongEpisode 72: What is RIE?Episode 084: The science of RIEEpisode 173: Why we shouldn’t read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymoreEpisode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana HillEpisode 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real?Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part IIEpisode 031: Parenting beyond pink and blueEpisode 017: Don’t bother trying to increase your child’s self-esteemBooks mentioned in this episode: The Wonder Weeks by Dr. Frans Plooij and Hetty van de Rijt Jump to Highlights: 00:03 Introduction to the Podcast and Wonder Weeks 02:19 Background on the Plooys and Their Research 05:43 Methodology and Findings of the Plooys' Study 10:20 Criticisms and Limitations of the Plooys' Study 20:11 Replication Studies and Their Findings 59:42 Conclusions and Implications References: Aldridge, J. Wayne, et al. "Neuronal coding of serial order: syntax of grooming in the neostriatum." Psychological Science 4.6 (1993): 391-395. Alink, L. R. A., Mesman, J., van Zeijl, J., Stolk, M. N., Juffer, F., Koot, H. M., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2006). The early aggression curve: Development of physical aggression in 10- to 50- month old children. Child Development, 77(4), 954-966. Bell, Martha Ann, and Christy D. Wolfe. "Emotion and cognition: An intricately bound developmental process." Child development 75.2 (2004): 366-370. Brix, N., Ernst, A., Lauridsen, L. L. B., Parner, E., Støvring, H., Olsen, J., ... & Ramlau‐Hansen, C. H. (2019). Timing of puberty in boys and girls: A population‐based study. Paediatric and perinatal epidemiology, 33(1), 70-78. Bull, J.R., Rowland, S.P., Schersitzl, E.B., Scherwitzel, R., Danielsson, K.G., & Harper, J. (2019). Real-world menstrual cycle characteristics of more than 600,000 menstrual cycles. NPJ Digital Medicine 2(1), 83. Crenin, M.D., Keverline, S.K., & Meyn, L.A. (2004). How regular is regular? An analysis of menstrual cycle regularity. Contraception 70, 289-292. Diamond, Adele, and Patricia S. Goldman-Rakic. "Comparison of human infants and rhesus monkeys on Piaget's AB task: Evidence for dependence on dorsolateral prefrontal cortex." Experimental brain research 74 (1989): 24-40. Dunson, D. B., Weinberg, C. R., Baird, D. D., Kesner, J. S., & Wilcox, A. J. (2001). Assessing human fertility using several markers of ovulation. Statistics in Medicine, 20(6), 965-978. Eckert-Lind, C., Busch, A. S., Petersen, J. H., Biro, F. M., Butler, G., Bräuner, E. V., & Juul, A. (2020). Worldwide secular trends in age at pubertal onset assessed by breast development among girls: a systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA pediatrics, 174(4), e195881-e195881. Edwards, L. M., Le, H. N., & Garnier-Villarreal, M. (2021). A systematic review and meta-analysis of risk factors for postpartum depression among Latinas. Maternal and child health journal, 25, 554-564. Feldman, David Henry, and Ann C. Benjamin. "Going backward to go forward: The critical role of regressive movement in cognitive development." Journal of cognition and development 5.1 (2004): 97-102. Gopnik, Alison, and Andrew N. Meltzoff. "From people, to plans, to objects: Changes in the meaning of early words and their relation to cognitive development." Journal of Pragmatics 9.4 (1985): 495-512. Gopnik, Alison. "Words and plans: Early language and the development of intelligent action." Journal of Child Language 9.2 (1982): 303-318. Green, B. L., Furrer, C., & McAllister, C. (2007). How do relationships support parenting? Effects of attachment style and social support on parenting behavior in an at-risk population. American Journal of Community Psychology, 40, 96-108. Hall, E.S., Folger, A.T., Kelly, E.A., & Kamath-Rayne, B.D. (2013). Evaluation of gestational age estimate method on the calculation of preterm birth rates. Maternal and Child Health Journal 18, 755-762. Happiest Baby, Inc. (2024). Snoo smart sleeper bassinet. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.happiestbaby.com/products/snoo-smart-bassinet Horwich, Robert H. "Regressive periods in primate behavioral development with reference to other mammals." Primates 15 (1974): 141-149. Jusczyk, Peter W., and Carol L. Krumhansl. "Pitch and rhythmic patterns affecting infants' sensitivity to musical phrase structure." Journal of experimental psychology: Human perception and performance 19.3 (1993): 627. Krumhansl, Carol L., and Peter W. Jusczyk. "Infants’ perception of phrase structure in music." Psychological science 1.1 (1990): 70-73. Lawson, G.W. (2020). Naegele’s rule and the length of pregnancy – a review. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Obstectrics and Gynaecology 61(2), 177-182. Luger, C. (2018, January 8). Chelsey Luger: The cradleboard is making a comeback among tribal families. Yes! Magazine. Retrieved from: https://indianz.com/News/2018/01/08/chelsey-luger-the-cradleboard-is-making.asp Mansell, W. and Huddy, V., The Assessment and Modeling of Perceptual Control: A Transformation in Research Methodology to Address the Replication Crisis, Review of General Psychology, 22 (3) pp. 305-320. McCall, R. B., Eichorn, D. H., & Hogarty, P. S. (1977). Transitions in early mental development. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 42(3, Serial No. 171). Mizuno, Takashi, et al. "Maturation patterns of EEG basic waves of healthy infants under twelve-months of age." The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine 102.1 (1970): 91-98. Mittendorf, Robert, et al. (1993). Predictors of human gestational length. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 168(2), 480-484. Nez Perce Historical Park (n.d.). Cradleboard. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.nps.gov/museum/exhibits/nepe/exb/dailylife/GenderRoles/cradleboards/NEPE57_Cradle-Board.html Okun, M., H. Karp, and S. Balasubramanian (2020). 0978 Snoo: A Wellness Device To Improve Infant Sleep. Sleep 43(1), A371-A372. Plooij, Frans X. "The phylogeny, ontogeny, causation and function of regression periods explained by reorganizations of the hierarchy of perceptual control systems." The interdisciplinary handbook of perceptual control theory. Academic Press, 2020. 199-225. Plooij, Frans X. (2010). The four whys of age-linked regression periods in infancy. In: B.M. Lester & J.D. Sparrow, Nurturing Children and Families (p.107-119). Chichester: Wiley-Blackwell. Plooij, Frans X., and Hedwig HC van de Rijt-Plooij. "Developmental transitions as successive reorganizations of a control hierarchy." American Behavioral Scientist 34.1 (1990): 67-80. Plooij, Frans X., and Hedwig HC van de Rijt-Plooij. "Vulnerable periods during infancy: Hierarchically reorganized systems control, stress, and disease." Ethology and Sociobiology 10.4 (1989): 279-296. Priel, B., & Shamai, D. (1995). Attachment style and perceived social support: Effects on affect regulation. Personality and Individual Differences, 19(2), 235-241. Sadurní, Marta, Marc Pérez Burriel, and Frans X. Plooij. "The temporal relation between regression and transition periods in early infancy." The Spanish journal of psychology 13.1 (2010): 112-126. Sadurní, Marta, and Carlos Rostan. "Reflections on regression periods in the development of Catalan infants." Regression periods in human infancy. Psychology Press, 2003. 7-22. Schwab, Karin, et al. "Nonlinear analysis and modeling of cortical activation and deactivation patterns in the immature fetal electrocorticogram." Chaos: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Nonlinear Science 19.1 (2009). Seehagen, Sabine, et al. "Timely sleep facilitates declarative memory consolidation in infants." Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 112.5 (2015): 1625-1629. Sheldrick, R.C., Schlichting, L.E., Berger, B., Clyne, A., Ni, P., Perrin, E.C., & Vivier, P.M. (2019). Establishing new norms for developmental milestones. 166(6), e20190374. Shorey, S., Chee, C. Y. I., Ng, E. D., Chan, Y. H., San Tam, W. W., & Chong, Y. S. (2018). Prevalence and incidence of postpartum depression among healthy mothers: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 104, 235-248. St James-Roberts, Ian, et al. "Video evidence that London infants can resettle themselves back to sleep after waking in the night, as well as sleep for long periods, by 3 months of age." Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics 36.5 (2015): 324-329. Tremblay, Richard E. "Decade of behavior distinguished lecture: Development of physical aggression during infancy." Infant Mental Health Journal: Official Publication of The World Association for Infant Mental Health 25.5 (2004): 399-407. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers For Disease Control (n.d.). CDC’s Developmental Milestones. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html van de Rijt‐Plooij, Hedwig HC, and Frans X. Plooij. "Distinct periods of mother‐infant conflict in normal development: sources of progress and germs of pathology." Journal of child psychology and psychiatry 34.2 (1993): 229-245. Van De Rijt-Plooij, Hedwig HC, and Frans X. Plooij. "Infantile regressions: Disorganization and the onset of transition periods." Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology 10.3 (1992): 129-149. van de Rut‐Plooij, Hedwig HC, and Frans X. Plooij. "MOTHER‐INFANT RELATIONS, CONFLICT, STRESS AND ILLNESS AMONG FREERANGING CHIMPANZEES." Developmental Medicine & Child Neurology 30.3 (1988): 306-315. van de Rijt-Plooij, Hedwig HC, and Frans X. Plooij. "Growing independence, conflict and learning in mother-infant relations in free-ranging chimpanzees." Behaviour 101.1-3 (1987): 1-86. Wapner, J. (2020, April 15). Are sleep regressions real? The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/baby/sleep-regression.html Witters, D. (2020, September 1). 50% in U.S. fear bankruptcy due to major health event. Gallup. Retrieved from: https://news.gallup.com/poll/317948/fear-bankruptcy-due-major-healthevent.aspx#:~:text=Story%20Highlights&text=WASHINGTON%2C%20D.C.%20%2D%2D%20Half%20of,from%2052%25%20to%2064%25.&text=How%20concerned%20are%20you%20that,or%20not%20at%20all%20concerned&text=pct.,pts.&text=This%20study%20is%20based%20on,concern%20among%20women%20(51%25). [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Denise 00:03 Denise, hi everyone. I am Denise, a longtime listener of your parenting Mojo. I love this podcast because it condenses all the scientific research on child development, compares it with anthropological studies, and puts it into context of how I can apply all of this to my daily parenting. Jen has a wealth of resources here, so if you're new to the podcast, I suggest you scroll through all her episodes. I'm sure you'll find one that will help you with whatever you're going through, or one that just piques your interest if you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 Reasons Your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at your parenting mojo.com forward, slash, subscribe. Enjoy the show. Jen Lumanlan 00:58 Hello and welcome to the your parenting Mojo podcast. Have you seen the Wonder weeks book, or did you download the app? The book has apparently sold over 2 million copies, and the app has been downloaded over 4 million times. So, the approach has certainly struck a chord with parents. It seems to help that the book was developed by two PhDs, Dr Franz ploy and his wife, Hetty vanderai ploy, whom I will refer to together as the ploys. And I know that when I see PhD following the neighbor of an author, I perceive the author as having some credibility. They've now been joined by their daughter, Xavier plus ploy, as the CEO of the Wonder weeks. Apparently, Hetty actually died quite young in 2003 so when you hear me refer to Dr ploy. Later in the episode, is Dr Franz ploy. So, in this upcoming pair of episodes, I want to ask two overarching questions. In this first episode, we'll ask is the idea of Wonder weeks backed up by scientific research. And then in the upcoming episode, we'll ask, okay, based on what we learned here in the first episode, what if anything should we do with the ideas in the book to help us and our baby? So, if you're expecting or you have a child under the age of one, this episode is very much for you. Let's get started with our first question and look at the scientific research behind the Wonder. Weeks. So, Franz ploy studied biology and psychology. His wife, Hetty, studied educational psychology and anthropology, and together, they observed chimpanzees with Jane Goodall in Gombe National Park in Tanzania between 1971 and 1973. Jen Lumanlan 02:30 Franz obtained his PhD in the behavioral development of chimpanzee babies, and Hetty got hers in mother baby interaction in chimpanzees. Because these dissertations were submitted in the early 1980s and fortunately, I couldn't find any copies online, possibly as part of their dissertations or in related work. The employees noticed that baby chimpanzees seemed to go through a series of what they termed regression periods, by which they meant a return to behavior like clinging to their mother and nursing often which they hadn't done so much only a week or so previously. The ploys hypothesized that each of these regression periods was followed by a developmental leap, and they wondered whether similar periods might exist among human babies. Several previous researchers had generally coalesced around the idea that there are four major behavioral transitions in human babies. And in the late 1980s the ploys began a research project to see if these were all of the transitions, or if they could find any more. And they decided to do this by identifying periods of regressive behavior in babies, because there was agreement in the literature that these regressive periods accompanied developmental transitions. They say that this literature finds that some sort of transitions do exist, and that these occur at two, 712, and 18 to 21 months. Unfortunately, the literature here mostly consists of books rather than peer reviewed papers. It's not an exaggeration to say you can pretty much publish anything you want in a book. That's why we have the peer review proce…

Full show notes at the publisher

229: Raising kids in divisive times: Where do we go after the 2024 election? Nov 12, 2024

Show notes

How to Raise Kids and Live Our Values in Divisive Times

Chances are, if you're thinking of listening to this podcast episode, the 2024 election didn't go the way you hoped it would. A lot of people are feeling scared right now. I've heard some people wanting to fight, while others want to hunker down. I've had both of those feelings myself over the last few weeks. I don't usually wade into current events. My brain needs time to process and digest and preferably take in a lot of peer-reviewed research before I can decide what I think. I tried to do something different in this episode: I did read a lot, but I only took notes and then spoke mostly extemporaneously. And now you've seen the length of this episode you'll know why I don't do that very often.

In this episode we will help you answer questions like:

How do our values shape political views and actions?
How can we make sense of the way that liberals and conservatives prioritize different values?
Is it possible that liberals haven't been truly honest about how we live our values?
What kinds of actions can we take to create true belonging so we don't have to grasp at power?
How can we create true belonging in our families, to live our values honestly and completely?

I hope you find this thought-provoking and useful as we all start to think about the ways we can move forward - and keep everyone safe.

These are the graphs mentioned in this episode:

Books mentioned in this episode:

(Affiliate links)

Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World, by Jen Lumanlan
Belonging without Othering, by John A. Powell and Stephen Menendian
Schedule your own Red/Blue conversation through Braver Angels

Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights: 03:50 References to Dr. John Powell’s and Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s work, particularly The Righteous Mind, exploring political views. 04:45 Explanation of Haidt's five moral foundations and their impact on political perspectives. 07:00 Comparison of liberal and conservative priorities around moral foundations. 08:36 Discussion on care, fairness, loyalty, authority, and sanctity in policies. 10:46 Exploration of government intervention, wealth redistribution, immigration, and in-group loyalty. 13:06 Discussion on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of both groups. 17:46 Examples of Social Security and the GI Bill’s exclusionary practices. 19:16 Discussion of economic disparities and the call for fair, inclusive policies. 22:38 References to sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s work on the economic story behind Trump’s support. 24:00 Examination of cultural and economic factors influencing Trump’s voter base. 28:50 Examples of identity threats leading to group cohesion. 32:30 Advocacy for listening to Trump voters to understand their perspectives. 36:39 Explanation of targeted universalism to create inclusive policies. 38:25 Emphasis on policies that promote belonging and equity for all groups. 47:03 Discussion on the need for a new vision of masculinity and racially integrated relationships. 52:04 Emphasis on men understanding and supporting their partners’ needs. 01:00:53 Health benefits of belonging and the need to address exclusion. 01:03:27 Encouragement for civic engagement and understanding diverse perspectives to build an inclusive society. 01:28:07 Jen’s closing message on creating a world where everyone belongs.

228: Parenting Through Menopause – Discover Your Wise Power! Nov 06, 2024

Show notes

Learn How To Navigate Menopause While Raising Kids

Today, we’re diving into a topic that many parents may face but rarely talk about openly: navigating menopause while raising young kids. If you’ve been wondering how to balance parenting with the changes menopause brings, this episode is for you.

In our first interview on Menstrual Cycle Awareness, we explored how menstruation impacts our lives. Today, we’re thrilled to welcome back our wonderful guests, Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, for a second interview focusing on menopause. Alexandra Pope, Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a pioneer in menstruality education and awareness. With over 30 years of experience, Alexandra believes that each stage of the menstrual journey—from the first period to menopause and beyond—holds a unique power. Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, also Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a psychotherapist and menstrual cycle educator. She is passionate about helping people understand and honor their natural rhythms, using menstrual cycle awareness as a tool for self-care and empowerment.

In this conversation, they’ll share their insights on embracing menopause as a time of empowerment rather than something to simply endure. They introduce us to their concept of “Wild Power,” a strength that arises from understanding and honoring your body’s natural rhythms through every stage of life.

Why Menopause Matters in Parenting

When we have kids a bit on the 'later' side, we may find ourselves dealing with perimenopause - when our body prepares for menopause - as we're raising young children. This experience can bring challenges, like feeling more tired or dealing with mood changes, but it also offers us new ways to grow and find our inner strength. Alexandra and Sjanie show us how we can be more understanding and open with ourselves and others as we go through this time of change.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

What is Menopause? Alexandra and Sjanie explain what menopause and perimenopause are and how these natural changes affect us physically and emotionally;
The Wild Power Within: Discover how your unique energy can be a guiding force in both your personal life and in parenting;
Tools to Support Yourself: Simple ways to be kinder to yourself, balance rest with activity, and embrace each phase with a sense of discovery;
Reconnecting with Yourself: Learn how you can stay grounded and connected to your inner self as you navigate the ups and downs of menopause.

Listen in to this powerful conversation that might just change the way you think about parenting—and about yourself.Alexandra and Sjanie’s books

(Affiliate Links):

Other episodes mentioned:222: How to cultivate Menstrual Cycle Awareness
216: Am I in Perimenopause? with Dr. Louise Newson

Jump to highlights:

00:03 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

00:52 Understanding menopause and it's stages

03:02 Introduction to menopause terminology: perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause

05:34 Phases compared to seasons, each with unique emotional and psychological developments

06:44 Defining menopause and it's psychological impact

08:51 Importance of self-care and preparation for menopause

09:59 "Quickening" phase introduces a creative energy shift

17:43 Navigating menopause as a parent

18:15 Challenges for parents in their 40s during menopause

21:00 Importance of self-acceptance, setting boundaries, and receiving partner support

24:44 Symptoms and self-care in menopause

34:29 Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and it's implications

44:16 The role of the inner critic in menopause

54:18 Final thoughts and resources

227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2 Oct 20, 2024

Show notes

Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett

In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like:

How our 'body budgets' affect our feelings
How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense
That we don't always understand other people's feelings very well!

The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half. Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including:

What we can do with the information our feelings give us
How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don't always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on
Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more!

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's Books (Affiliate Links)

Other episode mentioned:

129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids

Jump to highlights 00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests 05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations, like poverty or neurodivergence, face greater challenges due to the increased stress on their body budgets. 18:02 Understanding and managing personal needs as a parent, along with emotional flexibility, can lead to more effective responses to children. 23:46 Parents need to balance their own feelings with their children's by asking if their kids want empathy or help. They should remember that every interaction is a chance to teach kids how to manage their emotions. 31:07 Parents can view their empathy for their children as a sign of competence, balancing their own needs with their child's emotions. 34:22 Jen draws conclusions from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research on emotions, highlighting how parents can use this understanding to empower their children in navigating feelings and enhancing emotional literacy. References

Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68.

Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429.

Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you're feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion 15(6), 713-724.

Eisenberger, N.I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews: Neuroscience 13, 421-434.

Fischer, S. (July 2013). About Face. Boston Magazine, 68-73.

Gee, D. G., Gabard-Durnam, L., Telzer, E. H., Humphreys, K. L., Goff, B., Shapiro, M., ... & Tottenham, N. (2014). Maternal buffering of human amygdala-prefrontal circuitry during childhood but not during adolescence. Psychological Science, 25(11), 2067-2078.

Gopnik, A., & Sobel, D. M. (2000). Detecting blickets: How young children use information about novel causal powers in categorization and induction. Child Development, 71(5), 1205-1222.

Gross, J.J., & Barrett, L.F. (2011). Emotion generation and emotion regulation: One or two depends on your point of view. Emotion Review 3(1), 8-16.

Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition & Emotion, 13, 225–266.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., Crittenden, A.N., Mangola, S.M., Endeko, E.S., Dussault, E., Barrett, L.F., & Mesquita, B. (2023). What we can learn about emotion by talking with the Hadza. Perspectives on Psychological Science 19(1), 173-200.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L.F. (2022). Assessing the power of words to facilitate emotion category learning. Affective Science 3, 69-80.

Hoemann, K., Khan, Z., Kamona, N., Dy, J., Barrett, L.F., & Quigley, K.S. (2020). Investigating the relationship between emotional granularity and cardiorespiratory physiological activity in daily life. Psychophysiology 58(6), e13818.

Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science 330, 932.

Lindquist, K.A., Wager, T.D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L.F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 35(3), 121-143.

Pratt, M., Singer, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., & Feldman, R. (2015). Infant negative reactivity defines the effects of parent–child synchrony on physiological and behavioral regulation of social stress. Development and Psychopathology, 27(4pt1), 1191-1204.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). Situating and extending the sense of should: Reply to comments on "The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure." Physics of Life Reviews 37, 10-16.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure. Physics of Life Reviews 36, 100-136.

Tugade, M.M., Fredrickson, B.L., & Barrett, L.F. (2004). Psychological resilience and positive emotional granularity: Examining the benefits of positive emotions on coping and health. Journal of Personality 72(1), 1161-1190.

Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress contagion: Physiological covariation between mothers and infants. Psychological science, 25(4), 934-942.

Wilson-Mendenhall, C.D., Barrett, L.F., & Barsalou, L.W. (2013). Situating emotional experience. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, 764.

Xu, F., Cote, M., & Baker, A. (2005). Labeling guides object individuation in 12 month old infants. Psychological Science 16(5), 372-377.

226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1 Oct 06, 2024

Show notes

Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett

Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from? Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling? But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out? Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong. We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry. We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met. And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well). Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for:

How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced)
How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this);
What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely.

This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you'll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we've heard so far. In an upcoming episode we'll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes. And just a reminder that if you're having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child's difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that. We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers, we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you've experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we'll help you to:

Feel triggered less often;
Find ways to meet your needs - and your child's needs - on a much more regular basis;
Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn't go the way you would have hoped.

Click the banner to learn more!

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's book (Affiliate Links)

Jump to highlights 00:53 Introducing today’s topic and guests 04:16 Studies show that facial expressions don’t always show how a person is truly feeling. 09:02 Dr. Paul Ekman's research suggested universal emotions, but later studies show emotions are influenced by learned concepts and vary across cultures. 15:56 Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett shares that while some scientists resist the idea of emotions being constructed, many people find it intuitive. 19:56 Dr. Barrett emphasizes that parents can guide children in understanding emotions by thoughtfully choosing words, which help kids interpret their body signals and shape their emotional experiences 29:02 Physical expressions don't directly correlate with emotions, making it essential to consider context when interpreting feelings. 37:16Sometimes, parents think their child is being disrespectful when they are just having a tough day. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it's better to be curious about how others feel. 43:24Jen’s key takeaways from the conversation References Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68. Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429. Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion 15(6), 713-724. Eisenberger, N.I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews: Neuroscience 13, 421-434. Fischer, S. (July 2013). About Face. Boston Magazine, 68-73. Gee, D. G., Gabard-Durnam, L., Telzer, E. H., Humphreys, K. L., Goff, B., Shapiro, M., ... & Tottenham, N. (2014). Maternal buffering of human amygdala-prefrontal circuitry during childhood but not during adolescence. Psychological Science, 25(11), 2067-2078. Gopnik, A., & Sobel, D. M. (2000). Detecting blickets: How young children use information about novel causal powers in categorization and induction. Child Development, 71(5), 1205-1222. Gross, J.J., & Barrett, L.F. (2011). Emotion generation and emotion regulation: One or two depends on your point of view. Emotion Review 3(1), 8-16. Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition & Emotion, 13, 225–266. Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., Crittenden, A.N., Mangola, S.M., Endeko, E.S., Dussault, E., Barrett, L.F., & Mesquita, B. (2023). What we can learn about emotion by talking with the Hadza. Perspectives on Psychological Science 19(1), 173-200. Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L.F. (2022). Assessing the power of words to facilitate emotion category learning. Affective Science 3, 69-80. Hoemann, K., Khan, Z., Kamona, N., Dy, J., Barrett, L.F., & Quigley, K.S. (2020). Investigating the relationship between emotional granularity and cardiorespiratory physiological activity in daily life. Psychophysiology 58(6), e13818. Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science 330, 932. Lindquist, K.A., Wager, T.D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L.F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 35(3), 121-143. Pratt, M., Singer, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., & Feldman, R. (2015). Infant negative reactivity defines the effects of parent–child synchrony on physiological and behavioral regulation of social stress. Development and Psychopathology, 27(4pt1), 1191-1204. Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). Situating and extending the sense of should: Reply to comments on “The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure.” Physics of Life Reviews 37, 10-16. Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure. Physics of Life Reviews 36, 100-136. Tugade, M.M., Fredrickson, B.L., & Barrett, L.F. (2004). Psychological resilience and positive emotional granularity: Examining the benefits of positive emotions on coping and health. Journal of Personality 72(6), 1161-1190. Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress contagion: Physiological covariation between mothers and infants. Psychological science, 25(4), 934-942. Wilson-Mendenhall, C.D., Barrett, L.F., & Barsalou, L.W. (2013). Situating emotional experience. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, 764. Xu, F., Cote, M., & Baker, A. (2005). Labeling guides object individuation in 12-month-old infants. Psychological Science 16(5), 372-377.

225: How to stop shaming your child Sep 29, 2024

Show notes

Learn ways how to overcome parenting triggers

I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult. We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance. Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him. So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.' 🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them. 🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children's needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs. 🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn't want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn't want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash. His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: "Don't talk to me like a child!". He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched many of us in the Taming Your Triggers community when he shared it with us. He found a way to meet THREE people's needs in that situation, and was justifiably proud of himself. 🎉 If you want your kids to experience unconditional love and acceptance but you don't know how to make that happen in the difficult moments, I'd so love to work with you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop. I know it's risky to put yourself out there and admit that you're having a hard time. There's always the concern that these tools might work for Jody, and still not work for you - you might have some failing that means you can't use the tools, even if they work for other parents. You might also worry that the tools won't work for your neurodivergent/sensitive/etc. kid. I totally get those concerns. And...at the end of the day, we're all people - and all people have needs. I can help you heal from the hurts you've experienced and get your needs met more of the time, and then you'll feel triggered less often. I'm so confident about this that I guarantee it - if you aren't happy with your experience in the workshop for any reason, at any time, we'll give you 100% of your money back. (Plus we have multiple pricing options to make it affordable in the first place). 🎁 And as an extra bonus for you: Jody will be a peer coach in the Taming Your Triggers workshop this time around - because sometimes the person you learn from most effectively is the person who was standing where you are right now just a year ago. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 00:45 Introducing today’s guest 01:28. Jody shifted from "Always tired" to "Actively seeking rest" after years of exhaustion from raising four kids and realizing the need to prioritize rest. 02:52. Jody realized his strict upbringing influenced his parenting, but the Your Parenting Mojo podcast helped him recognize the need for change. 05:38. Jody joined the Parenting Membership seeking easier parenting solutions, but after struggling with triggers and reverting to old habits, he realized he needed Taming Your Triggers to better manage his own emotions. 09:22 Jody describes a breakthrough from the Taming Your Triggers course, where he learned to pause during a tense moment with his kids, choosing calm over impulsive reaction. 23:47. Jody views parenting as part of his identity, not a job, allowing him to connect with his kids while fulfilling his own needs.30:00 Jody appreciated the AccountaBuddy process for its non-judgmental space to discuss parenting challenges, which fostered connection and emotional relief. 33:38. Jody describes how the Taming Your Triggers workshop enabled him to shift from seeking forgiveness to accepting his parents as they are, leading to a more peaceful family dynamic during a visit. 44:59. Jody shares three simple practices for managing triggers.

224: How to heal your Mom Rage Sep 22, 2024

Show notes

Understanding & Overcoming Mom Rage

There are several books available on mom rage by now. They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children. They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health. (Yes to all of those things, obviously.) There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes. Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things. I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it. Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES! That’s ME!”. I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it. We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either. If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop. Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me: Now I have a plan and support structure, and I've learned really helpful tools to change the way I talk with my children in these difficult moments. - M.M. The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt. - K.D. I have seen here some shifts thankfully in the slowing down and welcoming the feelings of all people...and figuring out a way to kind of move through the conflict together instead of this is the way we're going to do it. - Liann Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more!

Minna Dubin's Book (Affiliate Link)

Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood Jump to highlights 00:52. Introducing today’s episode and featured guests 03:19. The "PR team" represents societal expectations of motherhood, pressuring mothers to meet unrealistic standards alone. 13:59. Society's pressures and high expectations for mothers can lead to feelings of anger and unworthiness. 22:07 Mothers frequently feel isolated and overwhelmed as they prioritize their children's needs over their own, which can result in feelings of anger and frustration. 32:52 Motherhood brings big changes and societal pressures, making support from other moms essential. 39:32 We tend to judge ourselves and other parents, but noticing this can help us be kinder, since everyone is dealing with their own struggles. 44:11 It's important for moms to talk openly about their moments of rage to feel less shame and more support 55:04 It’s important for parents to identify their triggers and communicate openly with partners about differences in parenting decisions while building supportive networks to navigate societal pressures. References Bakermans‐Kranenburg, M. J., Lotz, A., Alyousefi‐van Dijk, K., & van IJzendoorn, M. (2019). Birth of a father: Fathering in the first 1,000 days. Child Development Perspectives, 13(4), 247-253. Burgard, S.A. (2011). The needs of others: Gender and sleep interruptions for caregivers. Social Forces 89(4), 1189-1216. Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger. New York: Atria. Horrell, N. D., Acosta, M. C., & Saltzman, W. (2021). Plasticity of the paternal brain: Effects of fatherhood on neural structure and function. Developmental psychobiology, 63(5), 1499-1520. Kessler, R.C. et al. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry 62(6), 617-627. Krizan, Z. & Hisler, G. (2019). Sleepy anger: Restricted sleep amplifies angry feelings. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 148(7)1239-1250. Ou, C.H.K, & Hall, W.A. (2017). Anger in the context of postnatal depression: An integrative review. Birth 45, 336-346. Ou, C.H.K., Hall, W.A., Rodney, P., & Stremler, R. (2022). Correlates of Canadian mothers’ anger during the postpartum period: A cross-sectional survey. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 22: 163. Paternina-Die, M., Martínez-García, M., Pretus, C., Hoekzema, E., Barba-Müller, E., Martín de Blas, D., ... & Carmona, S. (2020). The paternal transition entails neuroanatomic adaptations that are associated with the father’s brain response to his infant cues. Cerebral Cortex Communications, 1(1), tgaa082. Scharrer, E., Warren, S., Grimshaw, E., Kamau, G., Cho, S., Reijven, M., & Zhang, C. (2021). Disparaged Dads? A content analysis of depictions of fathers in U.S. sitcoms over time. Psychology of Popular Media 10(2), 275-287. Szymanski, D.M. et al. (2009). Internalized misogyny as a moderator of the link between sexist events and women’s psychological distress. Sex Roles 61(102), 101-109.