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114: How to stop ‘Othering’ and instead ‘Build Belonging’ Jun 19, 2020

Show notes

I had originally approached today's topic of Othering through a financial lens, as part of the series of episodes on the intersection of parenting and money (previous episodes have been on NYT Money colunist Ron Lieberman's book The Opposite of Spoiled, How to Pass on Mental Wealth to your Child, The Impact of Consumerism on Parenting, and How to Set Up A Play Room. The series will conclude in the coming weeks with episodes on advertising and materialism). I kept seeing questions in parenting groups: How can I teach my child about volunteering? How can I donate the stuff we don't need without making the recipient feel less than us? And, of course, after the Black Lives Matter movement began its recent up-swing of activity, the topic took on a new life that's more closely related to my guest's work: viewing othering through the lens of race. My guest, Dr. John A. Powell, is an internationally recognized expert in the areas of civil rights and civil liberties and a wide range of issues including race, structural racism, ethnicity, housing, poverty, and democracy. He is the Director of the Othering & Belonging Institute (formerly Haas Institute for a Fair and Inclusive Society), which supports research to generate specific prescriptions for changes in policy and practice that address disparities related to race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, disability, and socioeconomics in California and nationwide. In addition to being a Professor of Law and Professor of African American Studies and Ethnic Studies at the University of California, Berkeley, Professor powell holds the Robert D. Haas Chancellor’s Chair in Equity and Inclusion. Our conversation was wide-ranging and touched on a host of topics and thinkers, which I promised to track down if I could. These include: Martha Minow's book Making All The Difference Aristotle's theory of Arithmetic and Geometric Equality Judith Butler's book Gender Trouble Amartya Sen's idea that poverty is not a lack of stuff, but a lack of belonging Dr. Susan Fiske's work on the connection between liking and competence Lisa Delpit's book Other People's Children Dr. Gordon Allport's book The Nature of Prejudice Max Weber's idea of methodological individualism The movie Trading Places (I still haven't seen it!) This blog post touches on Dr. powell's idea of the danger of allyship John Rawls' idea that citizens are reasonable and rational Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Richard Bernstein's concept of the regulative ideal Dr. John Powell's Book

Racing to Justice: Transforming Our Conceptions of Self and Other to Build an Inclusive Society (Affiliate link).

Jump to highlights 01:11 Introduction to Dr. john powell, director of the Othering and Belonging Institute at UC Berkeley 03:33 Defining othering: when someone isn't seen as fully equal or fully human 09:07 How categories we treat as essential, like race and gender, are actually built by society 11:57 Why "saming" (treating everyone the same) doesn't fix othering either 18:39 Why the Western idea of independent agency is really a distortion, and what it costs us 22:41 Unpacking poverty stats and the trap of trying to define "the other" while fighting othering 29:34 Rethinking what it means to be a "good parent" across different approaches to raising kids 39:34 Talking to kids about poverty and homelessness without slipping into White-savior territory 47:10 How volunteering can other people too, and what it means to give without turning away 52:30 Wrapping up with belonging - why it may be our most basic need, even before food and safety References Brons, L. (2015). Othering, an Analysis. Transcience 6(1), 69-90. Collins, P.L. (1986). Learning from the outsider within: The sociological significance of Black feminist thought. Social Problems 33(6), S14-S32. Cohen, Y., Krumer-Nevo, M., & Avieli, N. (2017). Bread of shame: Mechanisms of othering in soup kitchens. Social Problems 64(3), 398-413. Day, C.R. (2019). “They don’t think like us”: Exploring attitudes of non-transgender students toward transgender people using discourse analysis. Journal of Homosexuality 1-20. De Beauvoir, S. (1949) The Second Sex. Harmondworth: Penguin. Doerr, N.M. (2015). Volunteering as othering: Understanding a paradox of social distance, obligation, and reciprocity. Partnerships 6(2), 36-57. Fenz, Katharina, & Kharas, H. (2020, March 23). Mortaility perspective on COVID-19: Time, location, and age. Brookings Institution. Retrieved from https://www.brookings.edu/blog/future-development/2020/03/23/a-mortality-perspective-on-covid-19-time-location-and-age/ Goodall, J. (2019). Parental engagement and deficit discourses: Absolving the system and solving parents. Educational Review 1-13. Harmer, E. and Lumsden, K. (2019) 'Introduction: Online Othering.' In: K. Lumsden and E. Harmer (eds) Online Othering: Exploring Violence and Discrimination on the Web. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan. Pre-print version retrieved from https://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/59238046/Introduction_Online_Othering_Pre-print.pdf?response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DOnline_Othering_Exploring_Violence_and_D.pdf&X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&X-Amz-Credential=AKIAIWOWYYGZ2Y53UL3A%2F20200218%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&X-Amz-Date=20200218T001640Z&X-Amz-Expires=3600&X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&X-Amz-Signature=19497262c02b96ddd9361e4936e72fb046b4b856c2b306aefdacd0f6fcef41d0 Krumer-Nevo, M., & Sidi, M. (2012). Writing against othering. Qualitative Inquiry 18(4), 299-309. Krumer-Nevo, M., & Benjamin, O. (2010). Critical poverty knowledge: Contesting othering and social distancing. Current Sociology 58(5), 693-714. Jimoh, A.K. (2019). Justice and the othered minority: Lessons from African communalism. In E. Imafidon (Ed.), Handbook of African Philosophy of Difference. Pre-print version retrieved from https://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/59757383/Justiced_and_the_Othered_Minority20190616-24770-kd7vxw.pdf?response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DJustice_and_the_Othered_Minority_Lessons.pdf&X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&X-Amz-Credential=AKIAIWOWYYGZ2Y53UL3A%2F20200218%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&X-Amz-Date=20200218T010152Z&X-Amz-Expires=3600&X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&X-Amz-Signature=7bf2ced278b8293aa1bf8105460e6cb912c7a764d07ff94af269e48e039e698f Jensen, S.Q. (2011). Othering, identity formation and agency. Qualitative Studies 2(2), 63-78. Kitzinger, C. and Wilkinson, S. (1996). Theorizing representing the other. In: S. Wilkinson and C. Kitzinger (eds.), Representing the Other (1-32). London: Sage. Leroy, M. (2019). Controlling the ever-threatening ‘Other.’ ANGLICA – An International Journal of English Studies 28(3), 133-144. Lister, R. (2015). ‘To count for nothing’: Poverty beyond the statistics. Journal of the British Academy 3, 139-165. powell, j.a., & Menendian, S. (2016). The problem of othering: Towards inclusiveness and belonging. Othering and Belonging. Retrieved from http://www.otheringandbelonging.org/the-problem-of-othering/ powell, j.a. (2012). Racing to justice: Transforming our conceptions of self and other to build an inclusive society. Bloomington, IN: Indiana University Press. Rosenberg, T. (2018, September 13). The business of voluntourism: Do western do-gooders actually do harm? The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/13/the-business-of-voluntourism-do-western-do-gooders-actually-do-harm Todorov, T. (1984). The conquest of America: The question of the other. Norman, OK: University of Oklahoma Press.

SYPM 005: Getting Confident About the Decision to Homeschool Jun 07, 2020

Show notes

School districts are starting to make plans to reopen - some with sneeze guards between desks; some on reduced schedules to accommodate the amount of space needed for social distancing, while some are going online-only for the Fall semester. How will your child cope with this? Did your child adapt well to online learning when schools closed? Will they find it relatively easy to see their friends but not be close to them? There are some children for whom these arrangements work well, but for others parents see big trouble ahead. What are the options? Even if you've never considered homeschooling as a realistic option in the past, it might now be the tool that gets you through the next few months. But are you terrified that you don't know everything your child needs to know? And how could it possibly work for your family? Join me for a conversation with Dr. Laura Froyen, who is considering homeschooling her two children next semester - even though she has a Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies and wrote a dissertation on supporting young children in learning to read, she's nervous that she doesn't know everything she needs to know - so if you're worried about this you're certainly not alone! We look at what we know about how long children actually spend learning in school (the answer is going to shock you!), how you can work AND homeschool, and how you can get confident that you really can support your child's love of learning - even if you know your child will eventually go back to school. Click the banner to learn more about The Confident Homeschooler: Jump to highlights 01:30 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Laura Froyen 06:24 Letting go of the idea that someone else knows the "right" things to learn 17:15 Rethinking math: using curriculum as a tool 21:39 Willpower struggles, and why an imposed curriculum won't work for this family 30:23 How much of the school day is actually spent learning 32:52 Making the schedule work: creative approaches from other homeschooling families 36:05 What the Confident Homeschooler course covers 39:32 Getting a reluctant partner on board with homeschooling

113: No Self, No Problem May 24, 2020

Show notes

If you heard the recent episode on Parental Burnout, you'll know that our identities can become really confusing when we become parents, especially for women. On one hand, society tells us that we have to work hard and do well so we can Achieve The Dream. And on the other hand, we're told that a Good Mother sacrifices everything for her child - including her career. So what is a parent to do? This episode brings together a couple of strands of my life that have been existing in parallel for a few months now. A friend of mine introduced me to meditation as a tool that I might find useful to explore when I was struggling with some personal issues. Not only did I find it interesting, but I also found elements of it that helped me to make sense of the situation I was in in a way that I had not been able to do until that point. Like a lot of people, I had the common perception that meditation consists of sitting quietly on the floor cross-legged with thumb and pointing finger touching, saying ‘ommmm’ but when I looked into the research on mindfulness stress reduction that perception went away pretty fast. It had been shown in the scientific literature to be enormously helpful to people not just in reducing stress but also in reducing the severity of physical symptoms in the body that accompany stress. But I was still having a hard time reconciling the thousands of scientific research papers I’ve read over the years on how children’s brains develop and some of these new ideas I was learning related mindfulness. And so that is kind of how I discovered Dr. Chris Niebauer and his book No Self, No Problem. After reading it I was able to reconcile those two strands - the psychological research and mindfulness - and I want to share that with you. Along the way, we'll gain an understanding of the mind that may help us to overcome some of the challenges associated with Parental Burnout - so even if you're not officially (clinically) suffering from burnout, this episode could still help you to better reconcile the different aspects of your life and identity.

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more!

Dr. Chris Niebauer's book

No self, no problem - Affiliate link Jump to highlights 01:45 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Chris Niebauer 08:56 What "self" really means, and why it's harder to answer than it seems 12:21 Two kinds of suffering, and the kind caused by thinking 16:44 Split-brain patients and the left brain's talent for storytelling 23:02 A culture that communicates mostly through whistling and music 26:28 Language as a map, not the territory it describes 32:09 Why the self exists as a leftover problem-solving tool from evolution 35:57 What happens when the right brain gets to speak up more 39:41 Kids and "floodlight" attention versus adult "spotlight" attention 43:25 Finding meaning versus interpretation in parenting 50:14 Left brain, right brain, and the masculine/feminine split 52:12 How to practice trusting intuition 56:24 Choosing gratitude over complaint 59:27 A third way: playing the game without being consumed by it References Dienstbier, R.A. (1979). Attraction increases and decreases as a function of emotion-attribution and appropriate social cues. Motivation and Emotion 3(2), 201-218. Dutton, D.G., & Aron, A.P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 30(4), 510-517. Kabat-Zinn, J. (2011). Some reflections on the origins of MBSR, skillful means, and the trouble with maps. Contemporaty Buddhism 12(1), 281-306. Mays, J.C., & Newman, A. (2020, April 8) Virus is twice as deadly for Black and Latino people than Whites in N.C.Y. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/08/nyregion/coronavirus-race-deaths.html?searchResultPosition=3 Meston, C.M., & Frohlich, P.F. (2003). Love at first fright: Partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer. Archives of Sexual Behavior 32(6). Niebauer, C. (2019). No self, no problem: How neuropsychology is catching up to Buddhism. San Antonio, TX: Heirophant

112: How to Set up a Play Room May 10, 2020

Show notes

One of the things people email me wanting to know about most often is "what does the research say about how to set up a play room? What toys should I buy that will have the greatest benefit for my child's learning and development?" I'd actually been putting off doing this episode for a while, in part because the research base on this topic is thin on the ground - but also because the idea just made me kind of uncomfortable. I mean, we've survived for tens of thousands of years without play rooms - or even dedicated toys, never mind the incredibly beautiful and expensive ones that are available now! - what could I really say about this? Well, now's the time. Perhaps it shouldn't surprise you that this episode is coming in the middle of our series on the intersection of money and parenting. I hope it offers you some reassurance about how to set up your own play room - if you choose to and are able to. And even more reassurance if you choose not to or can't. Other episodes on this series This episode is the second in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series:

Jump to highlights 00:03 Introduction and framing: the privilege embedded in even asking how to set up a playroom 01:39 How play and toys vary across cultures, from Ghana to the Kalahari to Mexico 06:25 A quick review of the researched benefits of play: executive function, language, social skills, and more 10:05 Dr. Doris Pierce's study on mothers as "stage managers" of children's play 16:47 Why subscription toy boxes rarely deliver on their promises 20:43 A 2012 study on which toys prompted the highest-quality play, and what it reveals about assumptions tied to socioeconomic status 25:16 Electronic toys: why they rarely deliver on educational promises, and the Baby Einstein refund case 29:03 How parents shape gender preferences through play, tone, and which toys get positive attention 35:10 Digging into Disney princess research and what stereotypical play is linked to later on 39:19 Why survival-based reasoning shows toy specifics matter far less than we think References Arnold, J. E., Graesch, A. P., Ragazinni, E., & Ochs, E. (2012). Life at home in the twenty-ﬁrst century. Los Angeles: UCLA. Boe, J.L., & Woods, R.J. (2018). Parents’ influence on infants’ gender-typed toy preferences. Sex Roles 79, 358-373. Choi, K.W.Y. (2016). On the fast track to a head start: A visual ethnographic study of parental consumption of children’s play and learning activities in Hong Kong. Childhood 23(1), 123-139. Coyne, S.M., Rasmussen, E.E., Linder, J.R., Nelson, D.A., & Birkbeck, V. (2016). Pretty as a princess: Longitudinal effects of engagement with Disney princesses on gender stereotypes, body esteem, and prosocial behavior in children. Dauch, C., Imwalle, M., Ocasio, B., & Metz, A.E. (2019). The influence of the number of toys in the environment on toddlers’ play. Infant Behavior and Development 50, 78-87. Fine, C., & Rush, E. (2018). “Why does all the girls have to buy pink stuff?” The ethics and science of the gendered toy marketing debate. Journal of Business Ethics 149, 769-784. Ginsburg, K.R.,; AAP COMMITTEE ON COMMUNICATIONS, AAP COMMITTEE ON PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF CHILD AND FAMILY HEALTH. The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics 2006. doi:10.1542/peds.2006-2697 Ionas, A.C., Dirtu, A.C., Anthonissen, T., Neels, H., & Covaci, A. (2014). Downsides of the recycling process: Harmful organic chemicals in children’s toys. Environment International 65, 54-62. Lewin, T. (2009, October 23). No Einstein in Your Crib? Get a Refund. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/24/education/24baby.html McReynolds, E., Hubbard, S., Lau, T., Saraf, A., Cakmak, M., & Roesner, F. (2017). Toys that listen: A study of parents, children, and internet-connected toys. Proceedings of the 2017 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems. ACM. Pellegrini, A.D., & Smith, P.K. (1998). The development of play during childhood: Forms and possible functions. Child Psychology & Psychiatry Review 3(2), 51-57. Pierce, D. (2000). Maternal management of the home as a developmental play space for infants and toddlers. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy 54(3), 290-299. Sherman, R. (2016). Conflicted cultivation: Parenting privilege, and moral worth in wealthy New York families. American Journal of Cultural Sociology 5(1-2), 1-33. Strand, D.A., Utne-Palm, A.C., Jakobsen, P.J., Braithwaite, V.A., Jensen, K.H., & Salvanes, A.G.V. (2010). Enrichment promotes learning in fish. Marine Ecology Progress Series 412, 273-282. Trawick-Smith, J., Wolff, J., Koschel, M., & Vallarelli, J. (2015). Effects of toys on the play quality of preschool children: Influence of gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status. Journal of Early Childhood Education 43, 249-256. Wohlwend, K. (2015). Playing to belong: Princesses and peer cultures in preschool. In R. Hains & M. Forman-Brunell (Eds.), Princess cultures: Mediating girls’ imaginations and identities (p.91-114). New York: Peter Lang. Yogman M, Garner A, Hutchinson J, et al; AAP COMMITTEE ON PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF CHILD AND FAMILY HEALTH, AAP COUNCIL ON COMMUNICATIONS AND MEDIA. The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics. 2018;142(3):e20182058

111: Parental Burn Out Apr 26, 2020

Show notes

Do you often feel anxious or irritated, especially when you're around your child? Do you often feel like you might snap, perhaps even threatening violence if they don't do what you say? Are you so disconnected from them that you sometimes consider walking out and never coming back? If you have, it's possible that you're suffering from parental burnout. Listener Kelly reached out to me recently because she has been diagnosed with parental burnout and wanted to know what research is available on this topic, and on how to protect her two-year-old from its impacts. We did some searching around in the literature and it actually didn't take long to turn up the preeminent researchers in the field who actually work as a team and one of whom - Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, kindly agreed to talk with us. We learned about the warning signs to watch out for that indicate that you might be suffering from parental burnout, and what to do about it if you are. We ran a bit over time at the end of the episode and I wasn't able to ask about whether self-compassion might be a useful tool for coping with parental burnout but Dr. Mikolajczak and I emailed afterward and she agreed that it is - I'm hoping to do an episode on self-compassion in the future. More information on Dr. Mikolajczak's work on parental burnout can be found at https://www.burnoutparental.com/ The Parental Burnout Assessment, available in French and English, can be found here: https://en.burnoutparental.com/suis-je-en-burnout

Taming Your Triggers

If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to:

Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered

Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights 01:45 Introduction to the episode and guests Kelly and Dr. Moïra Mikolajczak 03:17 What parental burnout is, and its main symptoms 04:20 How parental burnout differs from job burnout 06:29 How common parental burnout is across 40 countries 08:20 Kelly's story: how her burnout built for years, then broke all at once 11:47 New research on cortisol and the collapse of the body's stress system 15:12 How parental burnout affects children 16:59 What to do when you're alone with your child and burned out 19:06 Why parental burnout is so much more common in Western countries 25:05 The biggest risk factors for parental burnout 33:52 Why this is a societal problem, not just an individual one 36:38 The Parental Burnout Assessment: how to find out where you stand 39:00 Two warning signs worth paying attention to 40:23 How to talk to a young child about a parent's exhaustion 48:34 What helps parents recover References

Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., Gross, J. J., Franssen, A., Kapala, F., Gérard, F., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Treating parental burnout: Impact of two treatment modalities on burnout symptoms, emotions, hair cortisol, and parental neglect and violence. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 89(5), 330-332. https://doi.org/10.1159/000506354

Cesar, F., Costa, P., Oliveira, A., & Fontaine, A. M. (2018). "To suffer in paradise": Feelings mothers share on Portuguese Facebook sites. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 1797. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01797

Hubert, S., & Aujoulat, I. (2018). Parental burnout: When exhausted mothers open up. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 1021. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01021

Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Boujut, E., & Wendland, J. (2018). Maternal burnout syndrome: Contextual and psychological associated factors. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 885. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00885

Le Vigouroux, S., Scola, C., Raes, M.-E., Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2017). The big five personality traits and parental burnout: Protective and risk factors. Personality and Individual Differences, 119, 216-219. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2017.07.023

Le Vigouroux, S., & Scola, C. (2018). Differences in parental burnout: Influence of demographic factors and personality of parents and children. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 887. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00887

Meeussen, L., & Van Laar, C. (2018). Feeling pressure to be a perfect mother relates to parental burnout and career ambitions. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 2113. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02113

Mikolajczak, M., Raes, M.-E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Exhausted parents: Sociodemographic, child-related, parent-related, parenting and family-functioning correlates of parental burnout. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(2), 602-614. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0892-4

Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2018). A theoretical and clinical framework for parental burnout: The balance between risks and resources (BR²). Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 886. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00886

Mikolajczak, M., Brianda, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child Abuse & Neglect, 80, 134-145. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025

Mikolajczak, M., Gross, J. J., Stinglhamber, F., Norberg, A. L., & Roskam, I. (2020). Is parental burnout distinct from job burnout and depressive symptomatology? Clinical Psychological Science, 8(4), 673-689. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702620917447

Mikolajczak, M., Gross, J. J., & Roskam, I. (2019). Parental burnout: What is it, and why does it matter? Clinical Psychological Science, 7(6), 1319-1329. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619858430

Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Gender differences in the nature, antecedents and consequences of parental burnout. Sex Roles, 83(7-8), 485-498. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5

Sanchez-Rodriguez, R., Perier, S., Callahan, S., & Séjourné, N. (2019). Revue de la littérature relative au burnout parental [Review of the literature on parental burnout]. Canadian Psychology/Psychologie canadienne, 60(2), 77-89. https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000168

Sorkkila, M., & Aunola, K. (2020). Risk factors for parental burnout among Finnish parents: The role of socially prescribed perfectionism. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(3), 648-659. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-019-01607-1

White, C. C. (2017, February 5). Putting resilience and resilience surveys under the microscope. ACEs Too High News. https://acestoohigh.com/2017/02/05/putting-resilience-and-resilience-surveys-under-the-microscope/

110: How to Dismantle Patriarchy Through Parenting Apr 13, 2020

Show notes

We began this mini-series a few weeks ago as listener Brian Stout and I co-interviewed Dr. Carol Gilligan as an introduction to the topic of patriarchy, how it is present in every aspect of raising our children, and the negative impacts it has on our children's lives - both on boys and girls. The interview with Dr. Gilligan laid the groundwork for us, and in this episode Brian and I are back for a conversation about what we learned and what implications this has for the way we will raise our children. We discuss:

Why Brian, a cisgendered, heterosexual White male - an apparent beneficiary of patriarchal systems - is so interested in dismantling it
Some of the specific ways we parents perpetuate patriarchy through our parenting, even if we don't realize we're doing it!
Why 'masculine' qualities like logic are prized over 'feminine' qualities like understanding the physical experience of the body and recognizing emotions (and why it's ridiculous that these qualities are gendered in the first place)
How patriarchy hurts men (mentally, emotionally, and physically) as well as women
Brian's top four conclusions and actions to take to begin the work of dismantling patriarchy in our own families (and, by extension, in society more broadly)

Resources mentioned in this episode (as well as additional resources that Brian and/or I recommend):

Brian's newsletters on why patriarchy persists: Part 1, Part 2 (Subscribe to receive parts 3 and 4 when they're released!); here's the "two heads" masculine and feminine energies image
Brian's blog post on Raising Thriving Children: Parenting Beyond Power
List of Gottman-trained therapists
Trabian Shorters: Asset-Based Framing
Liz Plank's book For the Love of Men
The Scene on Radio series on Men
Dr. Edward Tronick's Still Face Experiment
Rotten Tomatoes reviews of The Warrior movie
Dr. Brene Brown's TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability
Dr. Vivek Murthy talking about the Loneliness Epidemic
This piece from APA gets at the masculinity/deaths of despair link (Ron Levant is great)
This piece from Esther Perel is a good starting point for raising boys in patriarchy.
Here's a pretty good "s yllabus on Undoing patriarchy" (put together by a White guy on his own journey)

Groups that are addressing patriarchy:

Organizing White Men for Collective Liberation - a national network mobilizing White men to learn, grow and take action against White supremacy andpatriarchy
Miki Kashtan overcoming patriarchy call (all are welcome)
Gibran Rivera, men relinquishing patriarchy (men/masculine identified space)
National networks like ManKind Project, and online resources like the Good Men Project or Fatherly
There are now groups in most cities, too, though unfortunately no easy central respository that lists them. Googling should do the trick...

Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction to Brian Stout, and how this episode follows up on the earlier conversation with Dr. Carol Gilligan on patriarchy 07:48 How patriarchy shows up in men's suicide rates, violence, and mental health 11:36 Why male and masculine, female and feminine, aren't the same thing 12:55 How mothers end up teaching patriarchal attitudes, mostly through what kids see, not what's said 18:44 Why repair matters so much, and the line: no one starts with violence the first time 20:23 Trying to find balance - wanting daughters to speak up and sons to reach out, in a world 24:26 Why swapping genders in kids' books doesn't fully fix the problem 29:19 Fathers, emotional distance, and a generation without models for closeness 32:35 How schools teach rational thought but nothing about caring or holding space for someone else's pain 39:15 Making room for both a women's movement and a broader feminist movement 45:38 Bell hooks on feminism's history with race and class, and where the movement is headed 52:11 Finding community: men's groups working to dismantle patriarchy 55:16 How to find a therapist who actually supports this way of parenting References Barker, G., Ricardo, C., Nascimento, M., Olukoya, A., & Santos, C. (2009). Questioning gender norms with men to improve health outcomes: Evidence of impact. Global Public Health 5(5), 539-553. Gilligan, C., & Richards, D.A.J. (2009). The deepening darkness: Patriarchy, resistance, and democracy’s future. Cambridge, England: Cambridge. Holter, O.G. (2014). “What’s in it for men?”: Old question, new data. Men and Masculinites 17(5), 515-548. Hooks, B. (2004). The will to change: Men, masculinity, and love. New York, NY: Washington Square Press. Jakupcak, M., Tull, M.T., & Roemer, L. (2005). Masculinity, shame, and fear of emotions as predictors of men’s expressions of anger and hostility. Psychology of Men & Masculinity 6(4), 275-284. Kashtan, M. (2017). From obedience and shame to freedom and belonging: Transforming patriarchal paradigms of child-rearing in the age of global warming. BayNVC. Retrieved from: http://thefearlessheart.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/From-Obedience-and-Shame-to-Freedom-and-Belonging.pdf

109: Education in a time between worlds Mar 30, 2020

Show notes

It seems pretty clear that we are in a societal 'liminal space' right now, which is a threshold between what we have known until now and what we will know in the future. We are also in a liminal space related to learning and education, as schools hastily try to move learning online (despite disparities in access to online learning systems), and we have an incredible opportunity to think through what we think children's learning should look like in the future. In today's episode we hear from Dr. Zak Stein, who has spent many years thinking about ways in which the education system in the United States could be reimagined to take advantage of virtual learning opportunities and 'learning labs,' which gather resources around learners instead of having learning take place in classrooms isolated from real-world experience. Dr. Stein is a big-picture thinker, and it was really exciting to sit with him and envision the future of learning. To learn more about the memberships I mention in this episode, please visit yourparentingmojo.com/together Dr. Zak Stein's book Education in a time between worlds - Affiliate link Jump to highlights 01:46 Setting the scene: recording this episode during the early days of the COVID-19 shutdown 13:29 Introduction to Dr. Zach Stein, scholar of education, human development, and civilizational change 14:31 Putting the pandemic in context: why systems thinkers have seen this coming since 1972 22:38 What the education system is actually for, and whose interests it's been serving 24:19 How school closures are revealing the same inequities that existed all along 29:28 Standardized testing and the difference between justice-oriented and efficiency-oriented assessment 34:21 The danger of thinking about education, or parenting, as something you can put a price on 43:07 Turning a hard moment into real change, using the idea of Kairos versus ordinary time 47:41 What a decentralized, tech-enabled educational hub network could look like 48:53 Why standardizing education misses the point of how unique each child's learning is 51:35 Practical steps for parents right now, starting with limiting social media and protecting focus References Stein, Z. (2019). Education in a time between worlds: Essays on the future of schools, technology, and society. Bright Alliance.

Stein Z. (2019). COVID-19: A war broke out in heaven. Author. Retrieved from http://www.zakstein.org/covid-19-a-war-broke-out-in-heaven-article-and-interview/

108: How to cope with the Coronavirus pandemic Mar 15, 2020

Show notes

In this episode we discuss how to cope with parents’ and children’s fear and anxiety related to the Coronavirus pandemic, how to keep the children busy so you can get some work done (without resorting to hours of screen time), and how to use the time that you are focused on them to develop your family relationships as well as their learning, rather than you driving each other nuts. To download a FREE sample routine to help you organize your days, and also join a FREE one-week workshop to give you the tools you need to cope with this situation, please go to yourparentingmojo.com/coronavirus Other episodes mentioned in this show Talk Sex Today Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines Raising your child in a digital world Resources List of video conferencing companies offering free services Geocaching website Nature journaling videos with John Muir Laws Jump to highlights 00:58 Introduction of episode 04:16 Difference between fear, worry, anxiety, and panic and how they impact a person 07:23 Official diagnosis of anxiety 08:36 Official diagnosis of a panic attack 10:05 What can we do to be less afraid 16:33 Difference between routine and schedule 22:48 A learning exploration 29:49 Parents worry about loneliness 39:50 Realization during the pandemic [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast! I know that listeners who have been with me for a while know that an episode is going to be different when I dispense with the music at the beginning – I think the last time I did this was six months ago when I announced that I was taking a break from the show. But have no fear; I’m not going anywhere – I just did it today to indicate that this is not a normal show because these are not normal times. I’m recording this on March 15 2020, four days after the World Health Organization declared that the coronavirus outbreak is a pandemic, which means it is dispersed across a very wide geographic area and affects many individuals at the same time. Many, many things have been canceled in the last few days – most schools are canceled for at least the next few weeks; big events are canceled or postponed, and we’re being advised to practice ‘social distancing’ by remaining six feet apart from other people. This all seems really big and super stressful and I’m not going to go into the details of much of the epidemiological information because frankly that isn’t my specialty. But I also know that a lot of you are struggling with issues that very much do fall into my wheelhouse – things like “what on earth am I going to do with my kids for the next six weeks when we usually start to get on each other’s nerves on day six of a vacation,” and “will my child get behind on school work,” and “how am I going to still get my own WORK work done so I can get paid and keep us afloat while we’re all cooped up in this tiny space?” So in this episode I’m going to cover two main things – firstly, resources for you, because you may well be feeling quite anxious and approaching the end of your rope already and unsure how you’re going to make it through the coming weeks. Then we’ll talk about issues that affect your children while we’re going through this and how to answer your children’s questions about the virus and how to be thoughtful about screen time when it seems like there’s nothing else to do and also how to support their learning while they’re out of school. And because I know some of you are REALLY stressed out about this, I also want to let you know about a FREE one-week workshop that I’m running starting on March 23rd. It draws together elements of many of the paid workshops and memberships that I’ve built over the last few years into resources that you can use RIGHT NOW. So for example, I’m in the middle of hosting a workshop on Taming Your Triggers, where we spend weeks digging into the many sources of your triggers because we often find that if we understand those better it creates space for us to choose a different reaction. But right now we KNOW the source of our triggers – for many of us it’s our anxiety about the virus and about being cooped up with our kids – whom we love and cherish and enjoy, but just not ALL DAY EVERY DAY. So we go right to the strategies that you can put in place immediately to feel less triggered by the situation, which will allow you to respond more effectively to your child when they’re acting out. We’ll also cover similar, immediately implementable strategies to cope with sibling fighting in a way that gives your children tools to solve their own problems, ways to keep children busy so you can get things done, and how to use their own interests as a jumping off point for real learning that isn’t based on worksheets or spelling drills or math problems for when you do have focused time with them. So if all that sounds like something you could use, just head on over to yourparentingmojo.com/coronavirus and sign up; you just have to enter your name and email address and you’re in. There’s no charge whatsoever, so if you know of other parents among your friends, family, colleagues, and online networks and groups that could benefit from this then please do feel free to forward the yourparentingmojo.com/coronavirus page. The workshop gets started on March 24th, and as a bonus, as soon as you sign up I’ll email you a sample daily routine that you can use to bring a sense of order to the few days that we have until we get started. I don’t think you necessarily need a formal schedule, and you may do just fine even without the parameters of a loose routine, but since many of our children will be coming from the highly routinized worlds of daycare and school, they may find the structure gives them a sense of security when so much around them might feel uncertain. So that routine should carry you through the days when this is all still new and being out of daycare or school is still somewhat exciting, and then when you’re starting to get on each other’s nerves and you’re wondering how you’re going to do this for the foreseeable future, I’ll be standing right alongside you with tools to help. If you’d like to download that sample schedule and sign up for the workshop, just go to yourparentingmojo.com/coronavirus, and as a reminder it is completely FREE, so please do share it with anyone you think might benefit. OK, so on to our topic for today – and in the spirit of putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs, let’s start with you. I know a lot of you are really anxious about what’s happening in the world at the moment, so I want to be really specific about our language here and define our terms. I’m going to walk through the difference between fear, worry, anxiety, and panic. When we’re thinking about fear, then that’s a response to a known or definite threat. If we’re hiking in the woods and we see a bear, fear is a normal response. Our bodies use fear to trigger us to do something productive, which is usually fight or flight, or sometimes the freeze response which can mean playing physically – or emotionally – dead. For many of us, we are very fortunate that in the situation we’re in with the virus, objectively speaking there really isn’t a lot to fear. If we are healthy and our children are healthy and the elderly people we know are staying home and staying away from people who might have been infected, then there really isn’t a lot to have actual fear about. Yes, there is still a possibility that we might catch the virus and we’ll probably feel crappy for a couple of weeks, but the transmission rate in children seems to be very low, and the fatality rate in healthy adults and children is very very low, so we probably won’t be too severely impacted. But if we think out beyond our immediately fortunate circumstances, then there actually is quite a lot of reason to be afraid. If our elderly relatives can’t be completely isolated, or if we or our family members are immunocompromised, or if we care about people who are forced to live in close quarters like prison, or who are homeless and lack access to the basic sanitation practices that we are able to take for granted, or if we are working on the front lines in hospitals then that fear suddenly seems very rational because there IS a threat. The threat is HERE, and it’s happening now. When we feel fear for an extended period of time – longer than it takes to run away from a bear - we often worry. Worrying is defined by being exact; we’re not generally worried about things in general; we’re worried about something specific. We’re worried that we are going to catch the virus and pass it on to others. We’re worried that our vulnerable friends and relatives are going to be seriously ill or die. In many cases, in regular life, worry is actually adaptive, which means it’s useful. It tells us that there’s something we need to focus on and maybe shift our approach. The problem here, of course, is that many of us are already doing the things we’ve been told to do to reduce the transmission of the virus, but if there are things we simply can’t do – like not going to work if we’re a nurse and we’re not sick, or completely protecting our parents who are in ill health – and then it’s much more difficult to reduce the worry by changing our approach. When we can’t reduce our worries, they may become generalized into anxiety, which is a diffuse, unpleasant, vague sense of apprehension. It’s possible that you might not even say what’s making you anxious – yes, you’re anxious about the virus, but even after you’ve rationally told yourself about the relatively low risks to most people, you might still feel anxious and not really be able to fully explain why. We don’t often feel worry in our bodies, but we feel anxiety. The official diagnosis requires three or more of the following six symptoms to be present – restlessness or feeling on edge; being easily fatigued, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and sleep disturbance. These reactions aren’t going to help you to cope with any specific threat, so they are maladaptive. A good test is to tell a friend about your thoughts – if they can understand, you’re worrying. If they say “that makes no sense,” or if you already know yourself that it makes no sense, that’s probably anxiety. Worry might make us nervous, but anxiety makes us afraid; it feels beyond our control, and it changes our ability to function in life for a substantial period of time – the diagnosis criteria say six months on this, although I’m guessing that in acute situations like this that the six month criteria may not be as relevant. A panic attack is like an acute onset of anxiety. Instead of having ongoing, low to moderate intensity physical symptoms and a generalized sense of apprehension, the official diagnosis of a panic attack is defined as periods of intense fear or discomfort in which at least four of the following 13 symptoms develop quickly, reaching a peak within 10 minutes. The 13 symptoms are pounding heartbeat, sweating, trembling or shaking, shortness of breath, feeling of choking, chest pain, nausea, feeling dizzy or faint, derealization (which means you have altered perceptions about your self and/or your environment), fear of losing control or going crazy, numbness or tingling, and chills or hot flushes. If you are already anxious then it’s possible that you might experience the symptoms of a panic attack if you’re in a public place where people are coughing and sneezing, especially if that place is your work so you can’t escape from it. And when we’re experiencing these things one of the things we’re probably also worrying about the impact that our experience is having on our children. Some children aren’t terribly perceptive and might not notice that something is wrong, while others will be sensitive to every shift in your mood. Either way, many of them will notice if your symptoms cause you to snap at them or lash out at them, and of course it’s hard enough to be patient with your children when you’re cooped up with them in a small space, even if you WEREN’T experiencing fear, worrying, anxiety, or maybe even panic attacks yourself, along with all the uncertainty that comes with the constant change in status of what’s open and whether we’re still going to have a job in six weeks and if our city is going to be put on lockdown. So what can we do? If we think about what helps us to feel less afraid, worried, and anxious, it’s usually not that someone tells us “Don’t worry; that thing you’re thinking about is never going to happen.” These aren’t rational responses in us, so they often don’t respond well to rational logic. It’s far more powerful to reach out to a friend (via phone!) and say “hey, I’m really worried. Can I talk with you about it?” Hopefully if your friend is a good listener they’ll empathize with your feelings and your experience first, and connect with you as a human being to show you they care about you before letting you know whether or not you’re being irrational. And if they’re worried too, hopefully you can do the same thing for them. When we are ready for some rational information, we can try to understand what is the real risk to ourselves and our family. It can be hard to see countries on lockdown and not think that this virus is coming to get us personally, and while the risk to the community is very large, the personal risk to you as an individual is actually quite small. We just can’t extrapolate the community risk to the personal risk and assume that because the community risk is large, the personal risk is also large. Finding trusted sources of information on issues like this is really important – so look to places like the World Health Organization, or your healthcare provider. You can look at what the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is doing as an advisory, but I will say that in general the American government has not been good at detecting, understanding, and reducing risks associated with all kinds of public health threats over the years, and that they it tends to be more reactionary than proactive so I personally don’t necessarily trust that I’m getting all the information I need in a timely manner from them. You can do a simple mental risk analysis and ask yourself if you know of anyone who has been infected with the virus, and if you’ve been in contact with them. If you have, then there’s definitely more of a reason to worry than if you haven’t. And thirdly, what are the steps you can reasonably take to prevent the spread of the virus? These are fairly simple – regular, effective handwashing for 20 seconds, not touching your face, and staying away from someone who might be infected. That’s where the advice to maintain social distance comes into play, and most of what I’m reading says to stay around six feet or two meters from other people when you’re out. There’s probably not a lot of point in wearing a face mask unless it’s a very high quality one and you’re trained in how to use it and you are disciplined in using it – I was at the hospital the other day picking up some medicine for poison oak and I can’t tell you how many people I saw with masks pushed down around their chins. Masks are actually mostly designed to keep nasty stuff in rather than out, so they’re designed for sick people to wear so they don’t get other people sick, not for healthy people to wear to keep other people’s germs out. There are mask shortages as well at the moment so it’s best to save those for people who are on the front lines dealing with real exposure risk. For those of you who are in these situations where you genuinely do have an elevated risk of exposure, my heart goes out to you. One of the things that seems to happen when we experience symptoms related to anxiety is we feel alone, and like no one else can possibly understand. But since there are thousands of people…

Full show notes at the publisher

107: The impact of consumerism on children Mar 08, 2020

Show notes

A few weeks ago we talked with Dr. Brad Klontz about the 'money scripts' that we pass on to our children - perhaps unintentionally - if we fail to examine these and make conscious decisions about the messages we want to convey about money to our children. Today we continue our series on the intersection of parenting and money with a conversation with Dr. Allison Pugh, whose doctoral dissertation (and subsequent book, Longing and Belonging: Parents, Children, and Consumer Culture) remain seminal works in this field even a decade after their publication. In this interview, we take the position that advertising to children is happening - so what do we do with that? How do children make meaning out of the messages sent to them through our consumerist culture? How do parents attempt to resist the effects of this culture, and how successful are they? In our next episode in this series we'll dig more deeply into the effects of advertising itself on children's brains, so stay tuned for that! Book mentioned in the episode

Longing and Belonging: Parents, Children, and Consumer Culture (Affiliate link).

Other episodes on this series This episode is the second in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series: 038: The Opposite of Spoiled 105: How to pass on mental wealth to your child 112: How to Set up a Play Room 115: Reducing the Impact of Advertising to Children 118: Are You Raising Materialistic Kids? Jump to highlights 01:31 Introduction to Dr. Allison Pugh, sociologist and author of Longing and Belonging 03:28 Why nine in ten Americans think children want too many material things 10:24 The real theme in kids' consumer world: belonging, not status 17:21 The line between healthy mirroring and raising a sense of entitlement 21:25 Comparing Dr. Lareau's research to newer findings on low-income parenting 30:10 Symbolic deprivation vs. symbolic indulgence: how affluent and low-income parents talk about spending differently 40:37 Buying things to soothe our own childhood memories of not fitting in 46:45 What noblesse oblige means, and how wealthy families pass it on (or don't) 53:35 Talking through allowances, and whether they let parents off the hook 55:59 Windfall child-rearing: how unpredictable income, not just low income, makes poverty harder References Auty, S., & Lewis, C. (2004). Exploring children’s choice: The reminder effect of product placement. Psychology & Marketing 21(9), 699-716. Buijzen, M. (2008). Associations between children’s television advertising exposure and their food consumption patterns: A household diary-survey study. Appetite 50, 231-239. Buijzen, M., & Valkenburg, P.M. (2003). The unintended effects of television advertising: A parent-child study. Communication Research 30(5), 483-503. Buijzen, M., & Valkenburg, P.M. (2003). The effects of television advertising on materialism, parent-child conflict, and unhappiness: A review of research. Applied Developmental Psychology 24, 437-456. Coffey, T., Siegel, D., & Livingston, G. (2006). Marketing to the new super consumer: Mom & kid. Ithaca, NY: Paramount Marketing Publishing. Cook, C. (2004). The commodification of childhood: The children’s clothing industry and the rise of the child consumer. Durham, NC: Duke University Press. Cross, G (2010). Valves of adult desire. In D. Buckingham & V. Tingstad (Eds.), Childhood and Consumer Culture (p.17-30). Basingstoke, U.K.: Palgrave Macmillan. Elliott, S., Powell, R., & Brenton, J. (2015). Being a good mom: Low-income, Black single mothers negotiate intensive mothering. Journal of Family Issues 36(3), 351-370. Mayo, E., & Nairn, A. (2009). Consumer kids: How big business is grooming our children for profit. London, U.K.: Constable & Robinson. Opree, S.J., Buijzen, M., van Reijmersdal, E.A., & Valkenburg, P.M. (2014). Children’s advertising exposure, advertised product desire, and materialism: A longitudinal study. Communication Research 41(5), 717-735. Nairn, A., Bottomley, P., & Ormrod, J. (2010). “Those who have less want more. But does it make them feel bad?”: Deprivation, materialism and self-esteem in childhood. In D. Buckingham & V. Tingstad (Eds.), Childhood and Consumer Culture (p.194-208). Basingstoke, U.K.: Palgrave Macmillan. Nairn, A., & Fine. A. (2004). Who’s messing with my mind? The implications of dual-process models for the ethics of advertising to children. International Journal of Advertising 27(3), 447-470. Pugh, A.J. (2009). Longing and belonging: Parents, children, and consumer culture. Berkeley, CA: University of California Press Pugh, A.J. (2004). Windfall child rearing: Low-income care and consumption. Journal of Consumer Culture 42(2), 229-249. Pugh, A. (2002, May). From “compensation” to “childhood wonder”: Why parents buy. Working Paper No. 39. Berkeley, CA: Center for Working Families. Pugh, A. (2001). When is a doll more than a doll?: Selling toys as reassurance for maternal and class anxiety. Berkeley, CA: Center for Working Families. Rozendaal, E., Lapierre, M.A., Van Reijmersdal, E.A., & Buijzen, M. (2011). Reconsidering advertising literacy as a defense against advertising effects. Media Psychology 14, 333-354.

106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting (Part 1) Feb 23, 2020

Show notes

"Wait, whaaaat?" (I can hear you thinking this now, as you're reading the title for this episode.) When I think of patriarchy, I usually think of a powerful guy in a suit. He's always White. He probably works in government or maybe high up in a corporation. He's part of The System, which is just The Way Things Are Done - and he's never going to listen to me. There's really not much I can do to impact this system. And patriarchy isn't good for any of us. It's not difficult to see how it represses women and any non-straight, White, hetero-presenting male. But the research base is also pretty clear that it harms men as well, by denying them the opportunity to express any emotion other than anger, which is linked to all kinds of both mental and physical health problems. But it turns out that a big part of perpetuating the patriarchal system is how women interact with men, as well as how we raise our children. And, suddenly, changing the patriarchal system becomes something that I can directly impact - and so can you. Listener Brian Stout and I interview the preeminent scholar in this field, Dr. Carol Gilligan, who is co-author (with Naomi Snider) of the book Why does patriarchy persist? In this episode we focus on the background information we need to understand what patriarchy is and how it impacts us, and in a future episode Brian and I return to discuss the implications of these ideas for the way we are raising our children. If you'd like to subscribe to Brian's newsletter, where he discusses issues related to Building a World of Belonging, you can do that here. Dr. Carol Gilligan's Books:

Why Does Patriarchy Persist?

In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development

Darkness Now Visible: Patriarchy's Resurgence and Feminist Resistance

The Birth of Pleasure: A New Map of Love

Jump to highlights 01:26 Introduction to Dr. Carol Gilligan, author of In a Different Voice and Why Does Patriarchy Persist? 03:24 Introduction to Brian Stout, this episode's co-host 03:46 Defining patriarchy: dividing human traits into masculine and feminine, then favoring the masculine 07:09 Judy Chu's research on how four-year-old boys change between preschool and first grade 11:11 Where patriarchy came from, and how it differs from democracy 14:29 The Tyrion Lannister quote and how privilege can hide itself from those who have it 26:48 Fathers describing the qualities in their sons they hope they never lose 29:48 Trying to resist the binary: being both strong and emotionally present 36:42 Connecting patriarchy to Bowlby's attachment theory: protest, despair, then detachment 41:53 Pulling children closer instead of pushing them away when they're struggling 48:16 Why detachment gets mistaken for maturity in boys 54:24 Tone policing, and how women get pitted against other women 59:02 Young activists like Greta Thunberg and the Parkland students as signs of change References Brown, L.M., & Gilligan, C. (1992). Meeting at the crossroads: Women’s psychology and girls’ development. Cambridge, MA: Harvard. Gilligan, C. (1993). In a different voice: Psychological theory and women’s development (2^nd Ed.). Cambridge, MA: Harvard. Gilligan, C., & Snider, N. (2018). Why does patriarchy persist? Medford, MA: Polity. Gilligan, C., & Richards, D.A.J. (2009). The deepening darkness: Patriarchy, resistance, and democracy’s future. Cambridge, England: Cambridge. Graeber, D., & Wengrow, D. (2018, March 2). How to change the course of human history (At least, the part that’s already happened). Eurozine. Retrieved from: https://www.eurozine.com/change-course-human-history/ Illing, S. (2018, February 7). What we get wrong about misogyny: Sexism and misogyny are not the same – and the difference matters. Vox. Retrieved from: https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/12/5/16705284/metoo-weinstein-misogyny-trump-sexism Lerner, G. (1986). The creation of patriarchy. Oxford, U.K.: Oxford. Miller, P. (2017). Patriarchy. London: Routledge. Sadhguru (n.d.). Dhyanalinga – An equal balance of masculine and feminine. Isha. Retrieved from: https://isha.sadhguru.org/us/en/wisdom/sadhguru-spot/dhyanalinga-an-equal-balance-of-masculine-and-feminine Tang-Martinez, Z. (2016). Rethinking Bateman’s principles: Challenging persistent myths of sexually reluctant females and promiscuous males. The Journal of Sex Research 53(4-5), 532-559.

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