Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Latest Episodes:

Dismantling White Supremacy and Patriarchy on MLK Day Jan 18, 2021

Show notes

In this short ad hoc episode that was originally recorded as a Facebook Live, I discuss ways that my family is working on dismantling both White supremacy and patriarchy (and having a go at capitalism while we're at it!) this Martin Luther King Jr. Day holiday weekend. The best part is that this doesn't have to be heavy work that brings with it a huge sense of guilt. It's about building community that lifts all of us up, and gets us out of the 'stay in my lane' mindset that White supremacy uses to keep us in line. And it also doesn't have to happen only on the holiday itself - this work is just as relevant and important the rest of the year. Prefer to watch rather than listen? Click here to join the free YPM Facebook group and watch the video recording of the episode Jump to highlights 00:01 Introduction: an informal episode for Martin Luther King Jr. Day 03:18 How patriarchy and White supremacy create separation, even within ourselves 06:07 Why it's hard to ask for or offer help under capitalism 10:09 Trading childcare space with neighbors instead of staying shut away 13:16 Ways to offer help that use your specific skills and platform

Responding to the U.S. Capitol Siege Jan 10, 2021

Show notes

In this ad hoc episode, I outline a response to the U.S. Capitol siege. I provide some suggestions for ways to talk with your child about the events, but also ask that you take two more steps: (1) examine your own role in these events, even if you condemn them yourself (as I do); (2) take action based on your own position and role in the world to work toward equality. You can find my resources on the intersection of parenting and race here. There's a specific blog post suggesting a script for talking with children about the Black Lives Matter movement (which could be adapted for this situation) here. Showing Up for Racial Justice's Action Hours are here Jump to highlights 00:01 Introduction: an informal, unedited live episode after the Capitol events 01:57 How to start a conversation with children when they haven't asked 03:46 Answering questions honestly, including saying "I don't know" 05:50 Examining our own role in the system, not just pointing at "those people" 10:33 Looking at policies at school, daycare, and work through an anti-racist lens 12:06 How patriarchy creates scarcity, separation, and powerlessness 16:25 Why this connects directly to parenting 18:51 Fake choices: how "peaceful parenting" can still use force in disguise 22:27 Concrete ways to take action, including Showing Up for Racial Justice

127: Doing Self-Directed Education Dec 17, 2020

Show notes

When parents first hear about interest-led learning (also known as self-directed education), they may wonder: why on earth would we do that? And how would my child learn without anyone teaching them? Many parents start down this path with only an inkling of where it may end up taking them and I think this is true of our guest, Akilah Richards. Akilah grew up in a typical Jamaican family where children were not allowed to have an opinion about anything - even their own bodies and feelings. In her book Raising Free People, she writes that: "Respect, the way [Jamaican parents] define it, is non-negotiable, and the spectrum of things a child can do to disrespect an adult, especially a parent, is miles wide and deep. Reverence for adults, not just respect, is expected, normalized, and deeply ingrained. Somebody else's mama could slap you for not showing reverence to any adult. Physical punishment for the wrong displays of emotion, even silent ones like frowns or subtle ones like deep sighs, were commonplace, expected, celebrated as one of the reasons children "turned out right." Not only did you, as a child, dismiss any attitudes or anything adults might perceive as rudeness, your general countenance should reflect a constant respect - no space at all for showing actual emotion, if that emotion was contrary to what was reverent and pleasant for the adults in your life - again, especially your parents." While we may not have grown up with parents who were as overtly strict as this, chances are our parents and teachers used more subtle ways of keeping us in line with behavior management charts, grades (and praise for grades) and the withdrawal of approval if we were to express 'negative' emotions like frustration or anger. And of course this is linked to learning because compulsory schooling does not allow space for our children to be respected as individuals. There may be dedicated, talented teachers within that system that respect our children and who are doing the very best they can to provide support, but they too are working within a system that does not respect them. So how could we use interest-led learning/self-directed education to support our child's intrinsic love of learning - as well as our relationship with them? This is the central idea that we discuss in this episode. It's a deep, enriching conversation that cuts to the heart of the relationship we want to have with our children, and I hope you enjoy it.

Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning

Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured. The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is. The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled. You'll discover how to:

Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)
Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parent
Create a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose

Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it. Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods. When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights 00:59 Introduction to the episode and guest Akilah Richards 04:02 Why Akilah left public school with her daughters 13:02 Unraveling who we are versus who we were told to be 16:40 Why good intentions can still cause harm 20:00 Reframing unschooling as a relationship, not a curriculum choice 28:22 Feeling as a way to dismantle White supremacy 30:01 Akilah's four-part practice: awareness, disruption, deschooling, unschooling 34:21 Validation, intergenerational trauma, and what it means to trust a child 39:45 "School is the bubble": navigating the world outside a self-directed home 46:43 Advice for parents of color in mostly White self-directed spaces 49:00 Developing a Disrupter's Ear: a resource for self-directed education spaces 54:32 What White parents can do: build real community with Black women Resources discussed during the conversation: Maleka Diggs' Eclectic Learning Network Developing a Disruptor's Ear, by Akilah Richards and Maleka Diggs Toward Radical Social Change (TRUE) community Akilah's website, Raising Free People Akilah's book, Raising Free People

SYPM 010: From Anxious Overwhelm to Optimistic Calm Dec 13, 2020

Show notes

In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode we hear from listener Anne, who has been in my Parenting Membership for a year now. In our conversation we discussed the anxiety she used to feel about every aspect of parenting, including the things she wanted to teach her son to do (Spanish! Coding!) and how she interacted with both him and with her husband. She actually joined the Parenting Membership to learn how to become the perfect parent, and I'm sorry to say that I failed as her teacher/guide in that regard. She is not a perfect parent (and neither am I), but she is now a perfectly good enough parent, and has been able to relax into her relationship with her son because of that. I hope you enjoy this raw, vulnerable conversation where Anne reflects on the changes she has made in her life over the last year. Jump to highlights 03:44 Introduction to the episode and guest Anne 04:55 The values Anne wanted to build her parenting around 06:00 Why Anne joined the membership: wanting to be the "perfect parent" 08:08 The tipping point: anxiety, exhaustion, and what it was costing her 12:36 Standing up to her mother about a comment for the first time 15:36 A breakthrough during a three-week visit: naming childhood trauma around toys 18:38 Letting go of "perfect parent" pressure and reconnecting with her son 21:36 Anne's one piece of wisdom: change ripples outward from yourself

126: Problem Solving with Dr. Ross Greene Dec 06, 2020

Show notes

Let's talk problem solving! Many of us have tried it, but it's so common to get stuck...and to think that the method doesn't work, and then return in exasperation to the methods we'd been using all along. These often involve coercion, or forcing the child to do something they don't want to do - but what's the alternative? In this episode we talk with Dr. Ross Greene, who developed the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (formerly Collaborative Problem Solving) approach in his books The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings. I really enjoyed digging into the research for this episode (why do all the papers describing CPS compare its effectiveness to behaviorist-based approaches?) but I ended up really taking one for the team: we didn't have time for all of my questions on the research because I wanted to make sure to address the challenges with problem solving that parents in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group described when I asked them about this topic. These challenges included:

How to problem solve with very young children
What to do when the same issue recurs over and over and the solutions we decide on together don't seem to help
How to navigate a child not wanting to leave the park when it's time to go
How to approach a child who doesn't seem to be able to or refuses to communicate their feelings

Dr. Greene's books

Raising Human Beings(Affiliate link)
The Explosive Child(Affiliate link)

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights 00:59 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Ross Greene 04:12 How power shows up in traditional parent-child relationships 07:01 Reframing "problem behavior" as incompatibility 12:24 Parenting the child in front of you, not the child you wish you had 13:53 What Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C actually mean 18:36 Why solved problems reduce challenging behavior 20:36 The three steps of Plan B: Empathy, Define concerns, Invitation 31:02 Eight drilling strategies for getting past "I just like it here" 39:09 Why CPS performs as well as behavior-focused approaches in the research 46:18 Problem solving with very young or nonverbal children 53:10 What to do when a child says "I don't know" or "I don't care" 56:11 When a solution doesn't work because of impulsivity References Note: Direct links to presentations from conferences can be found on Dr. Greene’s Lives in the Balance website: https://livesinthebalance.org/research Booker, J., & Ollendick, T.H. (2019). Patterns in the parent-child relationship and clinical outcomes in a randomized control trial. Presented at symposium, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions as an alternative to Parent Management Training for youth with oppositional defiant disorder: A comparison of therapeutic models. World Congress of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, Berlin, Germany. Booker, J.A., Capriola-Hall, N.N., Dunsmore, J.C., Greene, R.W., & Ollendick, T.H. (2018). Change in maternal stress for families in treatment for their children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Journal of Child and Family Studies 27, 2552-2561. Booker, J.A., Ollendick, T.H., Dunsmore, J.C., & Greene, R.W. (2016). Perceived parent-child relations, conduct problems, and clinical improvement following the treatment of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Journal of Child & Family Studies 25, 1623-1633. Calam, R. M. (2016). Broadening the focus of parenting interventions with mindfulness and compassion. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice , 23(2), 161–164. Dedousis-Wallace, A., Drysdale, S., Murrihy, R.C., Remond, L., McAloon, J., Greene, R.W., & Ollendick, T.H. (2019). Predictors and moderators of Parent Management Training and Collaborative & Proactive Solutions in the treatment of oppositional defiant disorder in youth. Presented at symposium, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions as an alternative to Parent Management Training for youth with oppositional defiant disorder: A comparison of therapeutic models. World Congress of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, Berlin, Germany. Dunsmore, J.C., Booker, J.A., Ollendick, T.H., & Greene, R.W. (2016). Emotion socialization in the context of risk and psychopathology: Maternal emotion coaching predicts better treatment outcomes for emotionally labile children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Social Development 25(1), 8-26. Fitzgerald, M., London-Johnson, A., & Gallus, K.L. (2020). Intergenerational transmission of trauma and family systems theory: An empirical investigation. Family Therapy 42(3), 406-424. Greene, R., & Winkler, J. (2019). Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS): A review of findings in families, schools, and treatment facilities. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review 22, 549-561. Greene, R.W. (2016). Raising Human Beings: Creating a collaborative partnership with your child. New York, NY: Scribner. Greene, R.W. (2014). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children. New York, NY: Harper Paperbacks Greene, R.W., & Doyle, A.E. (1999). Toward a transactional conceptualization of Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Implications for assessment and treatment. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review 2(3), 129-148. Hart, R. (1992). Children’s participation: From tokenism to citizenship. UNICEF. Retrieved from: https://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/childrens_participation.pdf Kroger, J., Martinussen, M., & Marcia, J.E. (2010). Identity status change during adolescence and young adulthood: A meta-analysis. Journal of Adolescence 33, 683-698. Miller-Slough, R.L., Dunsmore, J.C., Ollendick, T.H., & Greene, R.W. (2016). Parent-child synchrony in children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Associations with treatment outcomes. Journal of Child and Family Studies 25(6), 1880-1888. Murrihy, R.C., Drysdale, S., Wallace, A., Remond, L., McAloon, J., Greene, R.W., & Ollendick, T.H. (2019). Parent Management Training (PMT) and Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS): A randomized comparison trial for oppositional youth within an Australian population. Presented at symposium, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions as an alternative to Parent Management Training for youth with oppositional defiant disorder: A comparison of therapeutic models. World Congress of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, Berlin, Germany. Tiberio, S.S., Capaldi, D.M., Kerr, D.C.R., Bertrand, M., Pears, K.C., & Owen, L. (2016). Parenting and the development of effortful control from early childhood to early adolescence: A transactional developmental model. Developmental Psychopathology 28(3), 837-853. Zero to Three (2016). Tuning in: National parent survey report. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/1425-national-parent-survey-report

SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting Nov 29, 2020

Show notes

My guest for this episode is life coach and reparenting expert Xavier Dagba, who is here to discuss the topic of boundaries in parenting. We don't tend to learn much about having boundaries when we're young, because our culture teaches that children shouldn't really need or have them (and those of us who are using respectful parenting approaches are working against the tide here). This then translates to us not knowing how to set boundaries as adults, and feeling 'walked all over' - without fully understanding why, or what to do about it. We also talk about the limit between boundaries and limits, an important distinction as we interact with our children. If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible - while still having your boundaries respected!), sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. Click the banner to learn more.

Other resources from this episode:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.Xavier's website Follow Xavier on Instagram Jump to highlights 04:15 Introduction to the episode and guest Xavier Dagba 05:49 Xavier's own story: stepping away from a PhD path and the family backlash 09:46 The difference between a limit and a boundary 14:47 Why relaxing limits can actually reduce family stress 17:23 The self-sacrificing mother narrative, and where it comes from 20:08 The pendulum effect: overcorrecting for how we were raised 21:47 Fear of abandonment as the root of self-sacrifice 25:57 Why understanding alone isn't enough: the need for self-compassion 30:28 Rewiring a habitual reaction and voicing a new boundary 32:36 Reading the body's signals: resentment, anger, and shame 39:07 Enmeshment, and how setting boundaries teaches emotional autonomy 45:32 Where to start: getting curious about what's driving your own behavior

125: Should you worry about technoference? Nov 20, 2020

Show notes

I often hear two related ideas about adults' screen usage around children. Sometimes the parent asking the question guiltily confesses to using screens around their children more than they would like, and to using screens as a momentary escape from the demands of parenting. Or the parent asking the question feels that they have found a sense of balance in their own screen usage, but worries about their partner who frequently ignores their child because they're so focused on a screen. In this episode we interview a luminary in the field of research related to children and screen usage: Dr. Jenny Radesky, who is a Developmental Behavioral Pediatrician and Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Michigan Medical School. Her research interests include the use of mobile technology by parents and young children, and how this relates to child self-regulation and parent-child interaction, and she was the lead author of the 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics policy statement on digital media use in early childhood. We'll learn whether you should be worried about Technoference, and some judgement-free steps you can take to navigate your (or your partner's) screen usage around your child.

Parenting Membership

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights 08:16 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Jenny Radesky 08:38 What technoference and fubbing mean, and how they're related 21:17 How parents describe their own ambivalence toward their phones 32:19 How children describe noticing a parent's divided attention 34:48 A word-learning study: what a brief interruption costs a child 40:38 A nuance from Australian research: some technoference isn't harmful 48:32 Practical starting points: noticing your own habits first 55:29 What to do when it's a partner's phone use, not your own References Al-Saggaf, Y., & O’Donnell, S.B. (2019). Phubbing: Perceptions, reasons behind, predictors, and impacts. Human Behavior & Emerging Technology 1, 132-140. Christensen, T.H. (2009). ‘Connected presence’ in distributed family life. New Media & Society 11(3), 433-451. Desrochers, S., Hilton, J.M., & Larwood, L. (2005). Preliminary validation of the work-family integration blurring scale. Journal of Family Issues 26(4), 442-466. Elias, N., Lemish, D., Dalyot, S., & Floegel, D. (2020). “Where are you?” An observational exploration of parental technoference in public places in the U.S. and Israel. Journal of Children and Media (Online first). Gramm, M.M., Vollmer, R.L., Harpel, T.S., McDaniel, B., & Schumacher, J. (2019). Relationship between parent distraction with technology at mealtimes and child eating behavior: A pilot study. Journal of Technology in Behavioral Science 5(1), 15-19. Hinkier, A., Sobel, K., Suh, H., Sung, Y-C., Lee, C.P., & Kientz, J.A. (2015). Proceedings of the 33^rd annual ACM conference on human factors in computing systems (p.727-736. Hong, W., Liu, R-D., Ding, Y., Oei, T.P., Zhen, R., & Jiang, S. (2019). Parents’ phubbing and problematic mobile phone use: The roles of the parent-child relationship and children’s self-esteem. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 22(12), 779-786. Kelly, K.R., & Ocular, G. (2020). Family smartphone practices and parent-child conversations during informal science learning at an aquarium. Journal of Technology in Behavioral Science 1-10. Lemish, D., Elias, N, & Floegel, D. (2020). “Look at me!” Parental use of mobile phones at the playground. Mobile Media & Communication 8(2), 170-187. Mangan, E., Leavy, J., & Jancey, J. (2017). Mobile device use when caring for children 0-5 years: A naturalistic playground study. Health Promotion Journal of Australia 29, 337-343. McDaniel, B.T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily technology interruptions and emotional and relational well-being. Computers in Human Behavior 99, 1-8. McDaniel, B.T., Galovan, A.M., Cravens, J.D., & Drouin, M. (2018). “Technoference” and implications for mothers’ and fathers’ couple and coparenting relationship quality. Computers in Human Behavior 80, 303-313. McDaniel, B.T., & Radesky, J.S. (2017). Technoference: Longitudinal associations between parent technology use, parenting stress, and child behavior problems. Pediatric Research 84(2), 210-218. Misra, S., Cheng, L., Genvie, J., & Yuan, M. (2014). The iPhone effect: The quality of in-person social interactions in the presence of mobile devices. Environment and Behavior 48(2), 275-298. Modecki, K.L., Low-Choy, S., Uink, B.N., Vernon, L., Correia, H., & Andrews, K. (2020). Tuning into the real effect of smartphone use on parenting: A multiverse analysis. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 61(8), 855-865. Myruski, S., Gulyayeva, O., Birk, S., Perez-Edgar, K., Buss, K.A., & Dennis-Tiwary, T.A. (2018). Developmental Science 21(4), e12610. Newsham, G., Drouin, M., & McDaniel, B.T. (2020). Problematic phone use, depression, and technology interference among mothers. Psychology of Popular Media 9(2), 117-124. Niu, G., Yao, L., Wu, L., Tian, Y., Xu, L., & Sun, X. (2020). Parental phubbing and adolescent problematic mobile phone use: The role of parent-child relationship and self-control. Children and Youth Services Review 116, 105247. Pancani, L., Gerosa, T., Gui, M., & Riva, P. (2020). “Mom, dad, look at me”: The development of the Parental Phubbing Scale. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0265407520964866. Perez, S. (2012, August 27). One-Third of U.S. moms own connected devices, 97% of ipad moms shopped from their tablet last month. Retrieved from https://techcrunch.com/2012/08/27/report-one-third-of- u-s-moms-own-connected-devices-97-of-ipad-moms-shopped-from- their-tablet-last-month/ Radesky, J., Leung, C., Appugliese, D., Miller, A.L., Lumeng, J., & Rosenblum, K.L. (2018). Maternal mental representations of the child and mobile phone use during parent-child mealtimes. Journal of Developmental Behavioral Pediatrics 39(4), 310-317. Radesky, J.S., Kistin, C., Eisenberg, S., Gross, J., Block, G., Zuckerman, B., & Silverstein, M. (2016). Parent perspectives on their mobile technology use: The excitement and exhaustion of parenting while connected. Pediatrics 37(9), 694-701. Radesky, J., Miller, A.L, Rosenblum, K.L., Appugliese, D., Kaciroti, N., & Lumeng, J. (2014). Maternal mobile device use during a structured parent-child interaction task. Academic Pediatrics 15(2), 238-244. Radesky, J., Kistin, C.J., Zuckerman, B., Nitzberg, K., Gross, J., Kaplan-Sanoff, M., Augustyn, M., & Silverstein, M. (2014). Patterns of mobile device use by caregivers and children during meals in fast food restaurants. Pediatrics 133(4), e843-e849. Reed, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R.M. (2017). Learning on hold: Cell phones sidetrack parent-child interactions. Developmental Psychology 53(8), 1428-1436. Sagioglou, C., & Greitmeyer, T. (2014). Facebook’s emotional consequences: Why Facebook causes a decrease in mood and why people still use it. Computers in Human Behavior 35, 359-363. Turvill, A., Fiso, D., & Parker, E. (2019). Early childhood technoference threat is predicted by authoritative parenting, but not parental knowledge of digital risks. Wong, R.S., Tung, K.T.S., Rao, B., Leung, C., Hui, A.N.N., Tso, W.W.Y., Fu, K-W., Jiang, F., Zhao, J., & Ip, P. (2020). Parent technology use, parent-child interaction, child screen time, and child psychological problems among disadvantaged families. The Journal of Pediatrics. Online first. Xie, X., & Xie, J. (2020). Parental phubbing accelerates depression in late childhood and adolescence: A two-path model. Journal of Adolescence 78, 43-52. Xie, X., Chen, W., Zhu, X., & He, D. (2019). Parents’ phubbing increases adolescents’ mobile phone addiction: Roles of parent-child attachment, deviant peers, and gender. Children and Youth Services Review 105, 104426. Yuan, N., Weeks, H.M., Ball, R., Newman, M.W., Chung, Y-J., & Radesky, J.S. (2019). How much do parents actually use their smartphones? Pilot study comparing self-report to passive sensing. Pediatric Research 86(4), 416-418.

SYPM 008: Fostering Positive Sibling Relationships with Future Focused Parenting Nov 09, 2020

Show notes

Sibling relationships can be SO HARD! Sometimes it might seem that we can't leave them alone for even a second before they're at each other's throats, and on top of this we see their struggles and are reminded of the struggles that we had with our own siblings so many years ago. This can cause us to overreact in the moment, even when we know it's not helping the situation. I discussed some of the reasons behind sibling squabbles a couple of years ago in a conversation with Dr. Susan McHale of Penn State University. In today's episode we build on this knowledge by discussing some super practical tools to help parents foster positive sibling relationships.

In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode I talk with Kira Dorrian and Deana Thayer of Future Focused Parenting, who host the Raising Adults podcast. The parents of seven children between them, including a set of twins and five in a blended family, Kira and Deana know their way around sibling squabbles.

We discuss ways to stop being the person who always has to moderate every disagreement and instead equip our children with the skills they need to find solutions to their own problems.

Jump to highlights:

02:37 Laying the foundation of possible sibling relationships by Daena Thayer.

04:35 Sibling relationship is the first peer relationship by Kira Dorrian. 05:53 How to prepare your kids for sibling rivalry? 12:02 Problem solving with children. 15:28 Teaching your child active listening. 20:01 Doing what’s best, not the easiest. 23:23 Problem solving in school. 25:55 How to deal with conflict as children grow older. 30:52 Social exclusion in schools and the calendar of character traits.

124: The Art of Holding Space Nov 06, 2020

Show notes

If you’ve been a parent for a while, or maybe even if you haven’t, you probably saw an article on Holding Space making the rounds of online communities a few years ago. In the article the author, Heather Plett, describes how she and her siblings were able to hold space for their dying mother in her final days because a palliative care nurse held space for them.

The article outlined some principles of holding space, and I think it really resonated with a lot of people – possibly because so many of us wish we had been held in that way, and we find ourselves trying to hold space for others in that way without a lot of guidance or support.

I kept that article in the back of my mind, and last year I took Heather’s 9-month in-depth course on holding space, and she’s just released a book called The art of holding space: A practice of love, liberation, and leadership. In this episode we discuss what it means to hold space for others as parents, and how to raise our children to be able to hold space for others. Links mentioned in the episode The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership (Affiliate link). The Centre for Holding Space Website Jump to highlights 01:38 Introduction to the episode and guest Heather Plett 02:38 What it means to hold space for someone 03:10 The three-layered bowl: what you offer, what guides you, and what supports you 08:23 What liminal space means, and where the concept comes from 20:51 What holding space looks like in the parent-child relationship 24:07 Allyship: supporting a child without taking over their struggle 29:08 Tools for supporting a parent who's clearly struggling 32:53 Discernment, humility, and intuition: the hardest layer of the bowl 43:49 Hijacking space, and catching yourself doing it to your own child 49:26 The spiral of authenticity, and giving children room to be themselves

123: Maternal Ambivalence: What it is, and what to do about it Nov 01, 2020

Show notes

Parenting brings unconditional love and fulfillment, but what happens when those feelings mix with frustration, exhaustion, and even regret? In this episode, I speak with Dr. Sarah LaChance Adams, expert in feminist philosophy and maternal ethics, to explore maternal ambivalence - those complex, conflicting emotions many parents experience but rarely discuss openly. Dr. Adams is the author of Mad mothers, bad mothers, and what a "Good" mother would do: The ethics of ambivalence.

What Is Maternal Ambivalence?

As Dr. LaChance Adams explains, drawing from Adrienne Rich's heartbreaking and beautiful description: "Maternal ambivalence is having extreme emotional conflict in one's feelings towards one's children - dealing with intense love and sometimes intense hate, the needs to be very intimate and close to one's children, but also to have a sense that one needs distance." This complex experience involves both wanting to be near your child and sometimes feeling an urgent need to "get as far as one can from one's child." What makes maternal ambivalence particularly complicated is that it's not just about feelings toward a separate being. There's also a profound sense of self-estrangement because mothers often feel their children are integral to their own identity. As Dr. LaChance Adams notes, "In this sense of struggle, she's also in a struggle with herself and who she feels she is most intimately and deeply." This episode builds on our recent conversations with Dr. Moira Mikolajczak on Parental Burnout and with Dr. Susan Pollak on Self-Compassion, exploring how we can love our children dearly while feeling torn between that love and our parental role that often requires putting our own needs aside.

Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal to feel love and resentment toward my child at the same time? The podcast breaks down what maternal ambivalence means. It's a back-and-forth feeling between deep love and occasional resentment that many mothers feel but rarely talk about. Dr. LaChance Adams explains why these opposite feelings happen together and why they're a normal part of being a parent. You'll also learn how accepting these feelings might make your relationship with your child stronger. How do gender, race, and socioeconomic status shape the experience of maternal ambivalence? The episode looks at how maternal ambivalence might be different based on your background. It questions whether this is mainly "a middle-class, white phenomenon." We explore Bell Hooks' view that motherhood wasn't seen as the main obstacle for Black women historically. These mixed feelings may show up differently across racial and economic groups. How does societal pressure shape maternal ambivalence? The episode explains why our society makes these mixed feelings seem shameful instead of normal. Speaking up about them could change how you parent. What role do cultural expectations and intensive parenting play in shaping parental guilt?We discuss how society's view of total motherly devotion can become "twisted" and hurt both mothers and children. Modern parenting culture expects mothers to always put their children first, at the cost of their own identity. Listen to understand why you might feel guilty and what you can do about it. How can parents navigate these conflicting emotions in a healthy way? The episode provides both big-picture and personal strategies for dealing with maternal ambivalence. We build on earlier episodes about parental burnout and self-compassion. Discover practical ways to accept all your parenting feelings without shame. These mixed feelings don't have to create guilt and shame. They can form the foundation of a close connection with your child.

What you’ll learn in this episode

Discover why maternal ambivalence creates an emotional tug-of-war that goes beyond occasional frustration Maternal ambivalence isn't just feeling tired or annoyed sometimes—it's that deep emotional conflict where you love your child intensely while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed or even resentful. Dr. LaChance Adams explains this powerful contradiction many mothers experience, where you might desperately want your child's bedtime to arrive while also missing them terribly once they're asleep. The podcast dives into why these opposing feelings create such inner turmoil for parents and how understanding this tension is the first step toward parenting with greater peace and authenticity. We unpack the impact of impossible standards on parental identity and self-worth When society expects perfect motherhood—always patient, always present, always fulfilled by caregiving—it creates a crushing weight on parents' mental health. The episode explores how these unrealistic expectations force many mothers to put their needs "on the back burner," leading to a gradual loss of identity. You'll learn how intensive parenting culture undermines parents' confidence, why the undervaluing of caregiving work affects how mothers see themselves, and practical ways to rebuild your sense of self while still being the parent your child needs. Learn how maternal ambivalence looks different across parents from different backgrounds The podcast examines Bell Hooks' important insight that for Black women historically, "motherhood would not have been named a serious obstacle to our freedom"—unlike how it's often framed in white, middle-class discussions. You'll discover how factors like race, economic status, and cultural background shape how parents experience and express these mixed feelings about parenthood. The episode challenges the one-size-fits-all approach to understanding parental emotions and offers perspectives that may better reflect your own unique experience. Discover why parents often keep these mixed feelings hidden and how this silence makes things worse. When mothers in online groups admit they're struggling with parenthood, they're often met with judgment instead of support. The podcast explores why this silencing happens and why breaking this silence is actually the solution. You'll learn how shame around maternal ambivalence creates a dangerous cycle that increases parental stress and guilt, and how honest conversations about these normal feelings can create supportive communities where real parenting challenges can be addressed together. Move past the limiting idea that self-care is just about "being a better parent." The episode challenges the common message that mothers should take care of themselves only so they can be "better parents." Instead, it explores how mothers deserve to maintain their identity and meet their needs simply because they are human beings with inherent worth beyond their parenting role. You'll discover a more empowering approach to balancing your needs with your child's, practical ways to reclaim parts of yourself that parenting has pushed aside, and how this authentic approach actually creates healthier parent-child relationships in the long run.

Dr. LaChance Adams’ books:

Links to resources and ideas discussed in this episode:

Jump to highlights 05:03 Maternal ambivalence is, having extreme emotional conflict in one’s feelings towards my [one’s] children. Dealing with intense love and sometimes intense hate, the needs to be very intimate and close to one’s children or one’s child, but also to have a sense that one needs to get distance to have strong feelings. 08:34 I’m thinking about Bell Hooks’ work, and she had said, “but had Black women voiced their own views on motherhood, it would not have been named a serious obstacle to our freedom as women, racism, availability of jobs, lack of skills, or education would have been top of the list, but not motherhood.” I’m wondering, is maternal ambivalence a middle-class, White phenomenon? Or do you see it in other places as well? 11:27 If a woman lives in a culture where there’s an intense romanticization of the mother-child relationship, and she feels that she can’t express any kind of conflicted emotion at all. And then when you have these things piling on top of each other, then you start to see it gets more and more and more intensified. The more these things compound, the less a woman is able to reflect on these emotions, think about them, share them get relief, get that kind of distance that the feelings are telling her. 15:41 The idea that maybe, just maybe, this whole guilt thing and the whole ambivalence thing is a product of our culture, where, on one hand, women are required to be these productive citizens who contribute to the capitalist economy, and on the other hand, were supposed to give our all to our child and mother intensively. 18:34 One thing I want to really draw out here is the idea that women ourselves are very often the ones that police this. It’s sort of like patriarchy, it’s not just men saying, well, this is your role, and this is what you’re going to do. Women are just as responsible for the socialization of this idea. 20:54 “How could you say that you don’t love being a mother at every moment?” And I think I mean, you’re already stating the solution, you know, we have these brave women coming forward, saying that they don’t always love it. 29:18 She [Simone de Beauvoir] writes about devotion and the devotion of the mother, and how this can be a very twisted thing and how, oftentimes, mother’s devotion is really something that can be very awful for herself and her child because it can be a replacement for her having anything else in her life. And it can become a sort of twisted obligation for both of them. And, you know, a sort of martyrdom… References Collins, Patricia Hill. 1993. The meaning of motherhood in Black culture and Black mother–daughter relationships. In Double stitch: Black women write about mothers and daughters, ed. Patricia Bell-Scott, Beverly Guy-Sheftall, Jacqueline Jones Royster, Janet Sims-Wood, Miriam DeCosta-Willis, and Lucie Fultz. New York: Harper Perennial. Gubi, P.M. & Chapman, E. (2019). An exploration of the ways in which feelings of ‘maternal ambivalence affect some women. Crisis and Loss. Retreived from: https://chesterrep.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10034/622560/Full%20text%20Maternal%20Ambivalence%20research%20paper.pdf?sequence=3 Henderson, S. (2018). The blurring effect: An exploration of maternal instinct and ambivalence. Unpublished Master of Arts by Research thesis, Kent, UK: University of Kent. Retrieved from: https://kar.kent.ac.uk/66794/1/211The%20Blurring%20Effect%20An%20Exploration%20of%20Maternal%20Instinct%20and%20Ambivalence.pdf Henderson, A., Harmon, S., & Newman, H. (2016). The price mothers pay, even when they are not buying it: Mental health consequence of idealized motherhood. Sex Roles 74, 512-526. hooks, bell. 1990. Homeplace: A site of resistance. In Yearning: Race, gender, and cultural politics. Boston: South End Books. LaChance Adams, S. (2014). Mad mothers, bad mothers, & what a ‘good’ mother would do: The ethics of ambivalence. New York, NY: Columbia University Press. LaCance Adams, S., Cassidy, T., & Hogan, S. (Eds). The maternal tug: Ambivalence, identity, and agency. Branford, ON: Demeter. Newman, H.D., & Henderon, A.C. (2014). The modern mystique: Institutional mediation of hegemonic motherhood. Sociological Inquiry 84(3), 472-491. Rich, A. (1994). Of woman born: Motherhood as an experience and institution. New York, NY: Norton. Takseva, T. (2017). Mother love, maternal ambivalence, and the possibility of empowered mothering. Hypatia 32(1), 152-168.