The Topical

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Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters Jun 01, 2020

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State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.

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NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot May 29, 2020

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All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it.

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Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus May 28, 2020

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Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.

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What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited? May 27, 2020

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More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.

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Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up May 26, 2020

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The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.

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Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All May 25, 2020

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Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.

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Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps May 22, 2020

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In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.

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Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season May 21, 2020

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Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.

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U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country May 20, 2020

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The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.

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Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret May 19, 2020

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The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American’s could give about the new discovery.

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