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Inspiring Perspective in Parenting with Kay Wyma (Episode 164) Nov 29, 2021

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Inspiring Perspective in Parenting with Kay Wyma (Episode 164) She equips herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] And makes her arms strong. Proverbs 31:17 (AMP) *Transcription Below* Questions We Discuss: You believe kids thrive on high expectations and you became determined to parent your children "as if they were inherently strong, not inherently weak." . . how did this epiphany launch you into a 12-month experiment with your kids? What list did you create for your "Top Twelve Things a Kid Should Know Before Flying the Wyma Coop"? Now that some of your children have grown and launched, how do they look back on this experiment? Kay Wyma is a mom, blogger, vodcaster, and author of four books in which she has tackled, with candor and humor, some of the troubling societal issues that impact us all. Kay's writings have led her to appearances on TODAY, CNN, Hallmark's Home & Family, and more. Before staying at home with her kids, she held positions at the White House and Bank of America. She lives in Dallas, Texas, with her husband and five kids. Connect with Kay at kaywyma.com or on Instagram @kaywyma. At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement Thank You to Our Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” *Transcription* [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:18] <music> Laura Dugger: Thank you to an anonymous donor to Midwest Food Bank, who paid the sponsorship fee in hopes of spreading awareness. Learn more about this amazing nonprofit organization at MidwestFoodBank.org. Kay Wyma is my guest today, and she's going to share some of her lessons from parenting. She is full of great ideas. We're going to hear how one idea was so impactful, it actually turned into an experiment, which eventually was published in her book, Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement. Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Kay. Kay Wyma: Thank you so much for having me. I just love The Savvy Sauce and everything about it. Laura Dugger: Oh, well, thank you for that. I just can't wait to talk about this parenting experiment that turned into a book. [00:01:21] But first, let's go back into your childhood. What was your family of origin like? Kay Wyma: Well, you know, I grew up in West... well, sort of West Texas. Texas is so big, and the plains go on and on. I lived in a relatively small city that was the big city for that part of Texas. And, you know, just kind of that regular life of lovely boredom throughout the summer, where you had to go find something to do. I played tennis, so I'd walk to the tennis court every day and hang out with my friends. It was very regular in so many aspects. But life in the world was going on around just like it is today. I grew up in the 70s, and there was a lot of interesting stuff. I mean, we had major inflation during that period. There was war going on when I... you know, with my father, even. When he was a young dad, we had conflicts going on with Vietnam. [00:02:23] You had all kinds of things that were significant going on around us. But I think sometimes you look back, like even remembering that cable television came to our town when I was... I think I had to have been in grade school. It was a small enough city where everyone was up in arms because they thought it was going to ruin everybody's life. Like you were bringing in hell into the city. Which is so interesting because of all the things that we have that surround us now that could make us scared or that could make us go, this is the worst time ever to be having kids or to be growing up in. The truth is, every age and stage has things about it that inherently within all of them there's nothing new under the sun. I love that question because I think it's good to look back and you go, so much of what you'll remember is idyllic. In many cases, more than anything, if you're thinking back on it, you made it through it. I think perspective is a really powerful tool that is worth tapping into and worth finding the truth in all of it. [00:03:30] And the truth being you made it through. The truth being that you are seen and the Lord has plans for you, no matter what time period you're in or what house you were brought up in. Laura Dugger: Now that we know a little bit about your upbringing, will you also share about your own family, both presently and the stage that you were in when you wrote the book, Cleaning House? Kay Wyma: Okay. So we have five kids. The ages right now are 24 to 14. When I wrote the book, the oldest was 14. So, you know, 13, 14. Because when you write a book, it takes about a year to do that. So it's interesting to think back on that. We have a lovely life. I mean, I love my kids. I was telling one of them yesterday that one of the greatest gifts I was given through all of this, and I think partly through Cleaning House, is realizing that these people that walk life next to you are human beings. I think in this world of parenting and thinking about those types of topics, it's easy to objectify a kid or a person, which really is not a good thing to do. [00:04:37] Through letting go of a lot of that, which you objectify through performance or determining worth based on an outcome of something or the way that you look, all kinds of things like that, that we just inherently do, just being on this planet. But letting go a lot of that allowed me to genuinely like my kids and the people I'm next to. It is really sweet to be able to travel this interesting road of parenting where you do have to have a sense of roles and authority, but the amazing aspect of loving each other through it is so powerful and probably the sweetest part of having family around you. And one other thing, just about being a mom, I think it's one of the greatest gifts in a large part because it's one of the only times in your life that you, for a huge portion of your life, are serving other people and your eyes are not on yourself. And I'm like, I think that's the biggest gift because you don't have that in the workplace. [00:05:39] You're always thinking about what you have to do to get the next bonus or raise or whatever, or even to keep your job. Or even in school, it's always about grades. I remember one day waking up going, this mom gig is a good thing because it forces your eyes off of yourself, which seems to always be a gift. Laura Dugger: Yes. Like you said, what a great positive perspective. If I'm doing the math correctly, when you wrote this book, your children ranged in age from 4 to 14. Kay Wyma: Yeah. Laura Dugger: Okay. I remember you saying that you believe kids thrive on high expectations and you became determined to parent your children as if they were inherently strong, not inherently weak. How did that epiphany launch you into this 12-month experiment with your kids? Kay Wyma: You know, it probably all started because of the experiment. And the experiment was hilarious. I decided that most things in my life, if there's a change that's coming off of some rotten attitude of me, and I really honestly was frustrated with one of the kids. [00:06:46] I mean, I was driving down the road and this 14-year-old next to me looked over and said, "Which one of these cars would I look good in?" Because we were literally the meat in a luxury car sandwich. There was a Porsche on our right and a Lexus on the left and a Maserati in front of us, which honestly, I had heard that name before, but I didn't know what it was. But the kid did. I was sort of like swallowing the vomit in my throat going, Ew, like really? I'm sitting there thinking of how many times we had gone to serve people and I'm like, Stuff doesn't make you who you are. And so I was grossed out by that. I came home and I also had a conversation with my sister-in-law in the car going, "This is so gross. Can you believe this?" Her kid had acted the same way that morning, who was bordering a young adult. I came home, all the dishes were out, the beds were unmade, I mean, everything. And I just was like, "What's going on here?" Because I had taught them how to do those things. [00:07:42] With five kids, it just kind of gets a life of its own, you know? I looked around going, gosh, they're looking to me to serve them. Like they're looking to me to do all this stuff. I sat down on the couch and I was like, "Yes, they're looking to the state to serve them." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, that's socialism. And I'm grooming it in my house and I don't even like it," you know? And so it made me go, "I'm done with this." I literally went through the house. Like behind me was the kitchen. I was sitting there going, "Yep, they don't really know what goes on in that room." The laundry room was next to it. And I was like, "Yeah, they think that the clothes magically appear in their drawers," you know? Even though through the years I had shown them this stuff, I hadn't genuinely put it on their plate. Honestly, Laura, it was that. So I did it because I was mad. I was sort of like, "I'm going to show them." And I sort of drew the line in the sand, which is terrible, because when you do, you have to follow through. I mean, I think I regretted it the minute I was like, "Here's what we're going to do." [00:08:43] But it didn't take long to realize that there really was an issue at play. And it was this issue of entitlement. And entitlement tells a person really that they can't do anything, that everything has to be done for them. That is such a cruel mentality, because you're basically stealing from somebody their identity. The way I realized that was really on our first task, because I kind of went around the house, you know, you will be cooking dinner now and you'll be doing the yard work or getting a job, all kinds of things that kind of, that made up the 12 months. And it was in that very first month when... you know, just the cooking. There's tips in the book of even how to make a change in your house and stuff like that, which I got from an older, wiser woman that was ahead of me in life. But our first task was making dinner. The poor youngest kid was slow on the uptake and got landed in the first dinner. [00:09:42] It was literally going to the grocery store with this kid who had even a worse attitude than I did. I mean, just bellyaching, announcing to everyone how mean his mother was, that she was making him cook dinner. And it was so beautiful because a neighbor stopped us as we were walking in and he was like, "What's going on, little man." And he was like, "My mother's making me cook dinner." And he goes, "Well, look at me." And he was holding two bags. And he was like, "I'm making dinner in my house," which instantly was sort of like, Well, hold on a second. You know, it took it from some terrible task, you know, to like, hold on a second, this man is doing that? It completely changed his mindset right then and there. Our entire experience in the grocery store transformed from something being done to him to being done for him, which I mean, even saying that Laura, I'm like, welcome to our life with the Lord. We feel like these things that He puts on our plate are done to us, but they're actually for us. [00:10:47] And the kid that walked into that grocery store was different than the kid that walked out. The kid that walked out had a sense of well-being and had a sense of purpose and it fed so much life into him. He was 8 years old. So I'm just telling you an 8-year-old can't make this stuff up. You know, little kids can't fake it. As he even made dinner that night, he had such... it was like someone had given him an IV of like, I don't know, some sort of... it was like an intensity of power. Like I can do this. And he started to see things not as like... you know, I used to think of it like if there was a mountain off in the distance, he didn't ever see that as a…

Full show notes at the publisher

163 Beneficial Rhythms in Marriage with Chris and Jenni Graebe Nov 22, 2021

Show notes

163. Beneficial Rhythms in Marriage with Chris and Jenni Graebe “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12 (NIV) *Transcription Below* Questions We Discuss: What marital habits are worthy of prioritizing for the two of you and what return have you seen on this investment? How can couples begin to take inventory of their current marriage and then move towards purposefully implementing healthier rhythms into their relationship? What are some examples of ways the two of you serve each other and stay committed to one another’s well-being and flourishing? Chris and Jenni Graebe are lifelong learners intent on discovering the core rhythms of thriving relationships. Chris and Jenni are the cohosts of The Live it Well podcast, where they interview countless couples to discover what makes relationships thrive. They live deep in the trees of Franklin, TN, with their five children. Chris and Jenni's Website At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. The Rhythm of Us Thank You to Our Sponsor: WinShape Marriage Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” *Transcription* 163. Beneficial Rhythms in Marriage with Chris and Jenni Graebe “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12 (NIV) *Transcription Below* Questions We Discuss: What marital habits are worthy of prioritizing for the two of you and what return have you seen on this investment? How can couples begin to take inventory of their current marriage and then move towards purposefully implementing healthier rhythms into their relationship? What are some examples of ways the two of you serve each other and stay committed to one another’s well-being and flourishing? Chris and Jenni Graebe are lifelong learners intent on discovering the core rhythms of thriving relationships. Chris and Jenni are the cohosts of The Live it Well podcast, where they interview countless couples to discover what makes relationships thrive. They live deep in the trees of Franklin, TN, with their five children. Chris and Jenni's Website At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. The Rhythm of Us Thank You to Our Sponsor: WinShape Marriage Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” *Transcription* [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. Laura Dugger: I am thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, Winshape Marriage. Their weekend retreats will strengthen your marriage, and you will enjoy this gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at winshapemarriage.org. That's winshapemarriage.org. Thanks for your sponsorship. First, I want to say happy birthday to my sweet mom. She is the most loving, nurturing, and kind-hearted mom, and we want to honor her on her special day. So, from our editor, Natalie, and myself, happy birthday, mom. We love you. I now also get to host a charming couple today, and we're going to talk about one of my favorite topics, healthy rhythms in marriage. Chris and Jenni Graebe are my guests, and they love each other well, model what they teach to others, and they've written down their wisdom in a marriage book they recently released. [00:01:26] I hope this chat leaves you encouraged and equipped with conversation starters and thought-provoking questions to ask yourself and your spouse as you enjoy all the goodness God has to offer us in marriage. Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Chris and Jenni. Chris Graebe: Hey. Jenni Graebe: Thank you so much for having us, Laura. Laura Dugger: Yes, so excited to talk with the two of you. Will you both just give a glimpse of your current phase of life? Jenni Graebe: Oh, sure. It's a wild season of life for us. We have five kids ranging from four to 16, one boy and four girls. So we've got two teenagers and three little ones, and it is just a beautiful, chaotic season. Chris Graebe: Yeah, filled with a lot of carpooling and running around, but just stealing away moments of just fun and trying as best we can to soak up all the different seasons collectively together. Like last night we had the opportunity to sit on our back porch where the kids played and laughed and danced and had the cafe lights on. [00:02:28] You know, those are the moments. So that's a quick glimpse into our world. There may be a lot too many dishes in the sink, but, you know, other than that, it's a good life. Laura Dugger: Absolutely. Can you share a little bit more about your careers too? Because you've been on this path of, in your marriage, moving around multiple times, so your seasons have looked different. But what do the two of you do for work? Chris Graebe: Yeah, sure. I mean, look, you know, when Jenni married me, you're going to talk about this book we've written, but one of the things we talk about is this idea of adventure. So when we got married, she knew she was signing up for adventure, and so we decided just let's go for it. So we've lived all over the place, both of the coast, the middle of the country, a lot of time in Texas. Throughout those seasons, it was seasons of ministry and entrepreneurship. In my very early days, I was on this little TV network called MTV. I was on a show called Road Rules. Jenni was a singer in those days, and she was wearing pleather pants. [00:03:29] Jenni Graebe: Let's not mention the pleather pants. You know, let's be nice. Chris Graebe: So we've just had this wild ride. And so now where we find ourselves is, obviously, we have a podcast called The Rhythm of Us. We're authors. We did this book, The Rhythm of Us, you know, I'm an entrepreneur through and through, so I've got a couple ventures that I'm working on. So there's never a dull moment in our life. Jenni Graebe: Never a dull moment, for sure. Laura Dugger: Yes, it sounds very full. We won't digress too much, but I'm sure everybody asks, how did you get on Road Rules? Chris Graebe: Is it weird to say Jesus? I mean, it's like, I don't know. Did God do that? Jenni Graebe: It was a God deal. Chris Graebe: It was totally a God deal, you know. I mean, my whole thing was... as a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, MTV was at the height, was at the pinnacle. It was the early reality show before all the spinoffs had come, and I just... I don't know, God had wired me to ultimately I sit in front of a microphone now, and, you know, obviously through this and various different places He's put me on stages throughout my career. But as a young, influential whatever, you want to change the world. [00:04:33] And so, like, what's a place I could go that could happen and I don't have to have a lot of skills? I could just go be crazy on MTV. So anyway, luckily I had encountered Jesus right before I went on the show and had the opportunity to share my faith and my walk and just hopefully honor God throughout that adventure. So that's how that worked. It was a wild ride. But, you know, those days are gone that people stop me on the street and go, were you the guy from...? So I don't get a lot of those anymore. Laura Dugger: Which I'm sure with that transition into marriage that was a very unique element for the two of you. Jenni Graebe: It was. Laura Dugger: It was for sure. Chris Graebe: Well, yeah. I mean, you know, the funny thing is, just to kind of talk about the idea of adventure, is I had done a couple little challenges. They have these big challenges return thing, and they called me and said, "Hey, we've got this challenge, Battle of the Sexes 2. Do you want to be a cast member on it?" I was like, "Heck yeah, that'd be awesome." Well, we were engaged, and we were planning to get married. [00:05:31] We had a date on the calendar and everything, and they were like, "Hey, we picked you." And I'm like, "Oh, cool, when's the show?" They're like, "Well, it starts two weeks before your marriage." I was like, "Oh, for my wedding day?" "Yeah." "Okay. How's that going to work?" So I went and filmed for two weeks. Jenni was a trooper. I hadn't gotten kicked off yet, so I flew back that weekend. We got married, and then I went back to the show for three days. And then just said, "Kick me off. I've got to go be with my bride." But yeah, it was an adventure from the beginning, that's for sure. Laura Dugger: Wow. Well, you've documented some of that journey, because your marriage book is fantastic. Jenni Graebe: Oh, thank you. Laura Dugger: Yes, I mean that. It's called Rhythms of Us: Creating the Thriving Marriage You Long For. So because you wrote the book on it, I'd love to know what marital habits are worthy of prioritizing for the two of you and what return have you seen on that investment? Jenni Graebe: That's a great question. [00:06:31] Really, the whole idea of this book is not just cataloging the rhythms that are true of us, but also of the wise people around…

Full show notes at the publisher

162 Healing from Spouse‘s Sexual Addiction with Jennifer Roush Nov 15, 2021

Show notes

*Disclaimer* This episode is not intended for little ears. Philippians 4:5 AMP "Let your gentle spirit [your graciousness, unselfishness, mercy, tolerance, and patience] be known to all people. The Lord is near." * Transcription Below* Questions We Discuss: Will you share your story? How did you process through your own journey of bitterness and eventually forgiveness? What encouragement do you want to share with the spouse who is currently married to someone who deals with sexual addiction? Jennifer Roush is the Executive Director of the SperaVita Institute. Her organization trains pregnancy centers around the nation and internationally, helping them reach their full potential and effectively serve women at highest risk for abortion. She has also been a leader in women’s ministry for over 18 years. Jennifer is the woman to talk to if you are feeling shame and don't see a way forward in any area of your life. Her disarming belief that there is "no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still" empowers people to see beyond their present circumstances and create strategy for the future. She has spoken at many different events and ministries including Focus on the Family and Breaking the Veil of Silence. Jennifer and her husband, Troy, have four beautiful daughters. Thank You to Our Sponsor: WinShape Marriage Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” *Transcription* [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. Laura Dugger: I am thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, Winshape Marriage. Their weekend retreats will strengthen your marriage, and you will enjoy this gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at Winshapemarriage.org. That's Winshapemarriage.org. Thanks for your sponsorship. Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. My guest today is Jennifer Roush. She has walked through incredibly difficult circumstances, and she's going to share her story and how the Lord remained close to her and gently healed her through her painful process of discovering her husband's secret sexual addiction. Here's our chat. [00:01:18] Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jennifer. Jennifer Roush: Thank you so much for having me. Well, I love having a little bit of context for my guests, so will you first just give us a brief overview of where you're from and how you grew up? Jennifer Roush: Sure. I grew up in central Nebraska. My father is a pastor, so I grew up in a Christian home. I have one younger sister, three years younger than me. I really had a great upbringing. You know, I grew up with a real childlike faith in God, just knowing that Jesus loved me, that He died on the cross not only to forgive me of my sins, but also He rose again so that I could be with Him in eternity and have a relationship with him now here on earth. So I had a great upbringing. Laura Dugger: I remember hearing your marriage testimony probably about 15 years ago, and it's always stuck with me. Will you share that story with us now? [00:02:23] Jennifer Roush: Sure. So I grew up in a Christian home, and when I was in middle school, we moved to a new community. I was the new pastor's kid in town. And so in middle school and high school, you know, I began to backslide. I began to care so much about what other people thought of me and really looked to them to tell me who I was. But it didn't take long because of the foundation that I was raised with to become disillusioned, you know, with what I was seeing around me and with the things that my friends were doing. And so when I went to college, I actually rededicated my life to Christ. I got involved in campus ministry and really began to grow. I had a boyfriend back home at the time, and I began to share with him, you know, what God was doing in my life and how I was growing. As he listened to me, he made the decision to also pray to receive Jesus. [00:03:30] He would say now that at that time his motivation might have been a little bit mixed. He also didn't want to lose me. He has said, "I don't know if I was really pursuing God or you." But I took that as my green light to move ahead with the relationship. So we actually got married at the ripe old age of 19, feeling so grown up. But as I look back, I mean, we were so young. We moved to a new city and began to get plugged in. We joined a great church. I was really hungry to continue to grow in my faith. Every once in a while I would notice some sort of what seemed like a dark internal struggle going on with him. I would ask him about it, ask him if he was okay, and he would just say something like, "Oh, yeah, I was stressed out at work" or "Yeah, I'm fine." [00:04:36] I wanted to believe that he was okay, and so I did. After about two years of marriage, the Lord began to reveal what was going on. One day I went to get the mail and was just looking through our mail, and I noticed this bill from a real sort of generic-looking company. And so I thought, oh, I'll have to ask my husband what this is, and continued to sort mail. Then I heard the voice of the Lord say, no, no, open it up. So I went back to that envelope and I opened it up. And I still didn't know what it was because it was still real generic. And so I thought, "Okay, I'll ask him about it when he gets home." I heard the voice of the Lord again say, "No, call the company. You need to know what this is." [00:05:27] So I went into our apartment, I called the company, and I was devastated to find out that it was an adult phone line or a phone sex company. I confronted my husband when he got home. At first, he wanted to deny it but then admitted that he'd been struggling with pornography and struggling with making these phone calls. And I was mortified. I didn't understand. I didn't understand, you know, why would you want something like that when you have me? We'd been married two years. We were still kind of newlyweds. I didn't understand but came to understand that this hadn't been just an occasional thing. This hadn't been something that went on a few times. That this was an addiction. This was in the 90s, and the internet was still fairly new. [00:06:34] And this was something that wasn't talked about as much as it is now. But this was an addiction that had deep roots, that had gone actually... I eventually found out beyond magazines, beyond phone calls. But I was soon to find out that it had actually moved into infidelity. I didn't understand but came to understand later that it really didn't have a lot to do with me but that there was a void in his life that he was trying to fill with all of this stuff. And it was really a void that only God could fill. I was devastated. I wanted to wish it away. I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to slap a Band-Aid on it and move forward. I thought, "Maybe let's just get in the Bible. Let's talk to so and so. But you can't slap a Band-Aid on something, on a wound that is rotting from the inside out." And so we moved forward. [00:07:46] We went for a while trying to reach out for different forms of help. Things would seem to be okay for a while but then... this being exposed was really God's pursuit of my husband. The Lord loves us so much. I think He'll give us windows of time where if there is something going on with us that we're keeping in the darkness, I believe that He will give us a period of time to bring it into the light. But then if we don't, in His great love for us, he will allow it to be exposed. This happened over and over where we would be going along thinking things were getting better, but my husband was still not being honest. So, God, in his love for me and in his pursuit of my husband, would allow it to be exposed. [00:08:43] We were separated different times throughout our marriage. I was mortified to find out that at one point he had been ticketed for solicitation of prostitution. In the community where we lived, they actually published this in the paper. So any sort of mask that I wanted to wear around people or any sort of impression that I wanted to give that we had our acts together was kind of taken away. It was so beautiful because God really used that to deal with me in the areas of pride and humility, in areas where I also wanted to keep things in darkness and under the rug and not be transparent with people. I became so desperate during this period of time in my life that I began to cry out to God. [00:09:47] I began to say, "God, my entire life, people have told me that you're enough, that you're all that I need. And God, I know that in my head. God, I kind of know it in my heart. But God, I need to know from the very depths of my being that You are who You say You are, that You are enough. And so as hard as this season in my life was, it was beautiful because, you know, God says, draw near to me and I will draw near to you. I began to learn intimacy with Him. I began to learn what that really looked like. And I began to know Him in a deeper way. Yet, as I said, as hard as it was, there was a lot of beauty in that time as well, because He is so beautiful. [00:10:43] In a season of our life where we thought that things were... you know, I thought, I guess, that things were going better and that maybe this issue was behind us, we found out we were pregnant and we had our first daughter, McKenna, who's so beautiful. I remember at night getting up in the middle of the night and rocking her. I really didn't know lullabies, but I would sing songs that I knew. So I would sing, you know, you are so beautiful to me. You are so beautiful to me. You're everything I hoped for. I remember one night being up in her room, just rocking her and then just hearing the Lord sing over me, "Jennifer, you're so beautiful to me." He's so good in the middle of our painful circumstances. We went on for years and years. [00:11:44] I didn't believe in divorce. I knew that that was not God's ultimate plan for marriage. And so I went for years just praying and hoping and believing and going through periods of time where I would think, Okay, this is getting better, and they might seem to be for a while, but then God would continue to bring things into the light in my husband's life when he wasn't being transparent. And it finally got to the point where I saw somebody who is deeply loved by God with the destiny in God that I agree with. So buy into the lies of the enemy and therefore stay in bondage to them that it cost us our marriage. I finally realized, you know, our home has to be safe and healthy. And he wasn't being transparent. And I've got children. So we separated and our marriage eventually ended in divorce. It wasn't what I had hoped for. It wasn't what I dreamed of on my wedding day but it happened. I walked my children through the pain of that and then began to live as a single mom for a period of time. [00:13:08] Laura Dugger: Thank you for sharing so transparently what happened. I'm wondering if someone is in the midst of this right now. And it's just so helpful to hear your story shared with them. I do have a few follow-up questions when we go back. How long was it before either you or your husband said this out loud to another person? Was it when it was published in the newspaper? Jennifer Roush: The initial struggles before that happened, it was actually pretty quick with a few people. We did talk to our pastor right away. We did see a counselor pretty early on. I would say I didn't fully understand the fullness of what was happening when we began to talk about it. It was probably initially more me just wanting, you know, this to go away and wanting it fixed. [00:14:13] But we did have people in our life that we did talk to fairly early on. And then obviously when it was made public, everybody knew at that point. Laura Dugger: And as you were seeking counsel from others, who was the first one to be able to identify and share, this is an addiction? Jennifer Roush: I think it was our first counselor. I think he had a deeper understanding of what was going on pretty quickly because of his line of work. But I didn't. It was hard for me to believe that my husband was an addict. You know, bec…

Full show notes at the publisher

161 God Redeems with Hettie Brittz Nov 08, 2021

Show notes

*DISCLAIMER: There is some thematic material discussed in this episode. Please do not listen in the presence of young ears.

161. God Redeems with Hettie Brittz

"So be careful to do what the LORD your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left. Walk in obedience to all that the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess." Deuteronomy 5:32-33 (NIV)

Questions and Topics We Discuss:

How did your upbringing and majority of life spent in South Africa influence your transition into motherhood?
Will you give us illustrations of moms who parent very differently, but God has clearly equipped them for their exact role as mother to their unique children?
How did this play out for you in a profound way we can all learn from?

Hettie Brittz was born and raised in South Africa but now lives in East Tennessee with her husband of 29 years, Louis. They have a newly-wed, a college student and a teen. Hettie's motto is "Know your design; live your purpose." She helps individuals, couples, families and teams discover their brilliant God-given design so they can live and work with impact and fulfilment. She has trained facilitators around the world to use her Evergreen Parenting curriculum and her Tall Trees Leadership model to impact their communities in turn. She has collaborated on broadcasts, publications and conferences by Focus on the Family, Family Life, David C Cook, The Barna Foundation, OneHope and other international ministries. She is at her happiest on a mountain, at her most content on her porch with her Bible, strong coffee, and a sunrise, at her most creative in the camping chair in her backyard woods, at her best in a room full of people who are eager to grow, and most grateful when her husband and all her kids are home and happy.

linktr.ee/hettiebrittz

Contact Hettie Brittz on Facebook

Her Website

unNatural Mom: Why You Are the Perfect Mom for Your Kids

Other Savvy Sauce Episodes Related to Temperaments:

Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part 1 with Author and Communication Coach, Kathleen Edelman

Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part 2 with Author and Communication Coach, Kathleen Edelman

Temperaments and Power of Words in Parenting with Kathleen Edelman

Four Personality Types with Dale Wilsher

Applying Personality Training to Parenting with Dale Wilsher

Parenting All Temperaments with Jenny Boyett

Temperaments and Power of Words in Parenting with Kathleen Edelman

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

160 Unleash This Generation with the Power of the Gospel with Greg Stier Nov 01, 2021

Show notes

*Disclaimer: This episode contains some themes of violence. Please be aware of the thematic material before listening in the presence of young ears."

160. Unleash This Generation with the Power of the Gospel with Greg Stier

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations [help the people to learn of Me, believe in Me, and obey My words], baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always [remaining with you perpetually—regardless of circumstance, and on every occasion], even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20 (AMP)

Questions We Discuss:

Will you give us a glimpse into your family of origin and share the real picture of what it was like to grow up as an urban child?
How did life change for you and your family after Christ radically transformed all of you?
On a practical side, will you share an overview of 7 ways to improve your youth group ministry?

Greg Stier is a champion for unleashing this generation with the gospel. As the founder of Dare 2 Share Ministries, he is driven to help the church activate Christian teenagers to reach their friends. In the last 30 years, Greg has trained millions of youth leaders and students how to relationally engage their world with the Good News of Jesus. A much-sought-after speaker, Greg is a former pastor, church planter, and youth leader, as well as the author of numerous books.

Dare 2 Share Ministries

Dare 2 Share Live Event

Greg Stier's Website

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