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    The Savvy Sauce

    Do you want ideas for questions to deepen your conversations? Do you want to feel intimately connected to your spouse? Do you desire to parent with purpose? If so, tune in each Monday with Laura, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specialized in Christian sex therapy. She interviews the best faith-based speakers to answer our questions and doesn’t shy away from a wide range of difficult topics. Sexual intimacy is discussed once a month so that you can delight in your marital relationship, feel equipped to teach your children about sex, and learn practical ways to overcome hurt or addiction. Episodes on health and wellness cover topics of hormones and free lifestyle swaps, perimenopause, and what simple practices yield HUGE health benefits. Marital experts teach conflict resolution that actually works, parenting pros share wisdom from newborns to adult children, business leaders let us in on secrets of the trade, and the foundation of everything is Jesus Christ!  Find joy here and live on purpose as you consider, “What’s your savvy sauce?!”

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    Latest Episodes:
    His Desires and Her Desires in the Bedroom: Bonus Special Patreon Release with Dr. Jennifer Konzen Feb 14, 2024
    Show notes

    *DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults Bonus - Special Patreon Release: His Desires and Her Desires in the Bedroom with Dr. Jennifer Konzen **Transcription Below** 1 Corinthians 7:3 (AMP) “The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with good will and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband." Dr. Jennifer Konzen is a certified sex therapist, award winning researcher, and international speaker who lives in San Diego, California. She and her husband Time have four kids. She has been a parent educator, a marriage, parenting, and sexuality seminar and conference speaker, and yes, a Broadway showtimes performer (her undergraduate degree is in Musical Theater and Vocal Performance). Dr. Jennifer Konzen’s Website Art of Intimate Marriage by Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen Redeemed Sexuality by Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen Intimate Marriage Cards by Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen The Gottman Institute hotholyhumorous.com christianfriendlysexpositions.com christiannymphos.org Thank You to Our Sponsor: T Photography Use code SAVVY when booking to receive 10 extra full-res digital negatives in your session package! Connect with The Savvy Sauce through Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:17] <music> Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit cfaeastpeoria.com If this is your first time here, welcome! You may be wondering what it means to have a special Patreon release, so here's the scoop. Patreon was a platform we used to generate financial support for The Savvy Sauce, and we expressed our thanks to those paying patrons by giving them a bonus episode every month. But in 2024, we transitioned away from Patreon when we became a non-profit called The Savvy Sauce Charities. [00:01:22] The podcast is part of this non-profit, which exists to resource loved ones to inspire growth and intimacy with God and others. So people used to pay to support us through Patreon, but now they can just donate directly to our non-profit. We spend thousands of dollars each year to record and produce these episodes, and we do pray that they're beneficial and that God sees fit to use them to be transformational in your life. If that is the case, if you have ever benefited from an episode of The Savvy Sauce, would you consider showing your gratitude through your financial generosity? Any amount is greatly appreciated. In fact, if every listener gave only $1 per month, it would completely offset our costs. We have all the details on our website, thesavvysauce.com, but feel free to also reach out to our team anytime if you want to partner together. [00:02:22] Our email address is info@thesavvysauce.com. And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. My guest is psychologist and founder of Authentic Intimacy, Dr. Juli Slattery. Here's our chat. Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Juli. Dr. Juli Slattery: Oh, thanks so much for having me again. Laura Dugger: And for those who missed our previous episode, can you give us a glimpse of who you are and what you do? Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. I'm a wife of 25 years, mom of three sons who are quickly leaving the nest. I'm a clinical psychologist. My work these days is I run a ministry called Authentic Intimacy, and our vision is reclaiming God's design for sexuality. That practically looks like just helping people sort through where is God in the midst of what I'm struggling with, in my marriage, in my singleness, with sexual temptation, with the confusion of culture. [00:03:23] So really integrating God's truth with just the issues that we deal with everyday related to intimacy and sexuality. Laura Dugger: Well, it's a very important work that you talk with people from all over the world about this topic. So from your wealth of knowledge in this area, what themes are you starting to see repeatedly? Dr. Juli Slattery: Well, there are some themes that we've seen really since we started this work in 2012. And those probably won't surprise anyone. But there are things like how do we overcome differences in marriage related to sex? What if I have no sexual desire or my husband has no desire? We talk a lot about pornography and addressing that in marriage and just family. Sexual abuse recovery. Probably about one-third of women have had sexual trauma in their past and about one out of every six men. And so this impacts a lot of people. And so how do you heal from that and how that impacts intimacy? [00:04:27] Then in today's day and age, we're also getting new questions just related to gender fluidity and just redefining marriage. And what does the Bible have to say about all those things? So I'm definitely not bored. My job definitely keeps me on my knees and in the word of God and just really trying to give people biblical guidance through the kinds of issues we're facing today. Laura Dugger: Yes. Even through your podcast, which is just one part of Authentic Intimacy, you have so many episodes. It just seems you never run out of ideas related to this topic. Is that right? Dr. Juli Slattery: It is. You would think that we would. We've been doing the podcast now for, I think, like five years and we have over 250 episodes. But we don't run out of topics because people are just grappling with these issues. Sometimes we'll just teach through a topic, but often we'll have a guest on that shares a story of just where God has brought healing and redemption. [00:05:29] Sometimes we just talk about our relationship with the Lord. I wanted all to go back to that. So keep going as long as the podcast is helping people and ministering to them. Laura Dugger: Well, it sounds like it definitely is. I personally love the local church. I'm sure you do as well. So I hope that we're all doing our part both to build it up and protect it. What do you see the church getting wrong and getting right on this topic? Dr. Juli Slattery: Well, you have to almost look at it from a historic point of view. Because I think most of us who have grown up in the church, any form of church, would probably say that my church growing up never talked about sex. And if they did talk about sex, it was awkward. Maybe it was with a very harsh or judgmental tone. Or it was a male pastor telling the wives that this is important in marriage. So we have a lot of baggage, I think, from the ways that the church has not addressed sexuality. [00:06:31] Or if we have addressed it, it hasn't been with God's heart. And so there are a lot of people that have a history with the church related to sexuality that actually makes them feel like God is the last place I want to go to talk about sex. And so we have a lot of undoing to get this right, I think, in our current generation. I'm glad to see that churches, by and large, are starting to address the kinds of issues that people are struggling with without making them feel shame. For struggling with pornography, for questioning things around gender, for brokenness in marriage, or sleeping around promiscuity, all those things that traditionally you never want to admit in a church, I think we're now starting to get realistic about the fact that this is where people live today and they need practical help. But there's also a really big divide happening in our country and also in our churches.[00:07:31] You know, is God primarily a God of love who just embraces wherever we are, allows us to stay where we are? Or is God more a God of truth that has these standards of righteousness and we have to live up to these standards of righteousness? There's a lot of sorting through those issues right now in the Christian church of how do we walk with both the truth of God and the grace of God. That's really my heart is helping churches and just individuals grapple through that tension. Laura Dugger: I like how you said tension there because it's not just an easy one-time sermon that will solve all the problems, right? Dr. Juli Slattery: No, not at all. Actually, one thing that I'm really encouraging churches to adopt is more of what I call a sexual discipleship model, where they're approaching issues of sexuality with a discipleship mindset. And discipleship is lifelong. It's this goal of maturity that we're all walking towards. [00:08:31] And it means really authentic relationships, doing life together, and dealing with the real-life issues as they happen. You know, let's respond to what just happened in the news or what's happening within our church body, instead of it feeling like sex is always talked about just from like a high and lofty perspective. Laura Dugger: That's really good. Changing gears here a little bit, as believers, I think that we should have the most fulfilling sex lives in our marriages because we are intimately connected as well to the creator of intimacy. So are there any sexual pleasures or benefits you think believers are missing out on just because of a lack of education or maybe a belief in anything short of God's truth? Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. I see that all the time, particularly in a couple ways. First of all, there are a lot of Christians that carry shame around related to their sexuality because of things they feel guilty about that they've done in the past or they're currently struggling with, because of things they've experienced or even religious teaching that made them feel that sexual desire and pleasure is wrong. [00:09:42] And so I think that's one big barrier to overcome. I think particularly with Christian women, like how do I enjoy this in my marriage when I feel like I've grown up thinking this is wrong and my desires are wrong? That's a barrier. But then I think also we have a very superficial, even within the church, understanding of what sexual desire is supposed to be. I think we buy the Hollywood image of it that the best sexual pleasure is going to be like with two perfect bodies and it's on the honeymoon and it's just this natural ecstasy that happens. That's just not the reality for married couples. It doesn't usually happen right away where sex is fun or pleasurable. It usually takes work. There's obstacles to overcome. Our bodies are not perfect. And so I think because we buy that lie that the greatest sexual pleasure is kind of this ecstasy of a moment, we miss the kind of pleasure that can be built on a journey over time, even as we together work through obstacles. [00:10:52] There's a much more profound intimacy, vulnerability, and pleasure for couples that will hang in there and be on that journey together instead of giving up when things don't go well right away. Laura Dugger: You're right because doesn't the research validate that couples who have been together longer are more satisfied, even comparing it to Hollywood, things we wouldn't expect if they're having health issues or they've added children to the marriage, and yet there is this mystery of they're enjoying it more later? Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, that's what the research does show, that the most sexually satisfied people are people that have been in a long-term committed relationship. Interestingly, those that have a strong faith, like a religious faith, are more likely to have a good sex life as they age. So, yeah, it bears out God's design. But we don't hear that very often. We're just bombarded with messages that sex is all about how it feels in the moment and how your body looks and how much you're compatible with each other but that's not what the research shows. [00:12:01] Laura Dugger: Okay, so now with that foundation, what do you recommend for all of the couples listening to experience more sexual pleasure? Dr. Juli Slattery: One thing I'd recommend is really to take a long-term view of it. Think of it like you have this project that you're working on as a couple. Sometimes I'll talk about it being like a box of Legos. When you open up a box of Legos, you have a really cool design on the outside…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    Surprising Discoveries of Sex in Marriage: An Interview with Shaunti Feldhahn (Episode 224) Feb 12, 2024
    Show notes

    *DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults 224. Surprising Discoveries of Sex in Marriage: An Interview with Shaunti Feldhahn Deuteronomy 29:29a (NKJV) "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us" **Transcription Below** Questions and Topics We Cover: Are there any specific questions you recommend we ask our spouse periodically? Will you elaborate on your finding that "men and women tend to have different insecurities that the process of sex can help heal or hurt"? You write "Having a comfortable way to signal (and receive) openness or interest will create connection and prevent much pain." So, how can couples begin to develop their own private language or signals to communicate effectively in a healthy manner? Thank you to Our Sponsor: Leman Property Management Company Shaunti Feldhahn received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author, and popular speaker. Today, Shaunti applies her analytical skills to investigate eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, The Kindness Challenge, and Thriving in Love & Money, have sold more than 3 million copies in 25 languages. Her books and studies are popular in homes, counseling centers, and corporations worldwide. Shaunti (often with her husband, Jeff) has spoken around the world, sharing her findings with audiences ranging from churches to women’s and marriage conferences to arena events to youth camps and cruises (yes, those are particularly painful…). Her research and commentary are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, The New York Times and MomLife Today. Shaunti, Jeff, and their two children live in Atlanta and enjoy every minute of living life at warp speed. Secrets of Sex and Marriage Website Previous Episodes on Sexual Intimacy on The Savvy Sauce: Fostering a Fun, Healthy Sex Life with your Spouse with Dr. Jennifer Konzen Ways to Deepen Your Intimacy in Marriage with Dr. Douglas Rosenau Ten Common Questions About Sex, Shared Through a Biblical Worldview with Dr. Michael Sytsma Easy Changes to Enhance Your Sexual Intimacy in Marriage with Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner Hope For Treating Pelvic Pain with Tracey LeGrand Treatment for Sexual Issues with Certified Sex Therapist, Emma Schmidt Talking With Your Kids About Sex with Brian and Alison Sutter Natural Aphrodisiacs with Christian Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Douglas Rosenau Healthy Sexuality, Emotional Intelligence, and Parenting Children with Autism with Counselor, Lauren Dack Pain and Joy in Sexual Intimacy with Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese Identifying and Fighting Human Trafficking with Dr. Jeff Waibel Bridging the Gap Between Military and Civilian Families with Licensed Professional Counselor, Cuthor, Podcaster, and 2015 Military Spouse of the Year, Corie Weathers Enjoying a God-Honoring, Healthy Sex Life with Your Spouse with Certified Sex Therapist and Ordained Minister, Dr. Michael Sytsma Enjoying Parenting and Managing Conversations About Sex with Certified Sex Therapist and Author, Dr. Jennifer Konzen 63 Maximizing Sexual Intimacy During the Three Most Challenging Phases of Marriage with Christian Sex Therapist Pioneers, Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner Conflict Resolution, Infidelity, and Infertility with Licensed Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese Hormones and Body Image with Certified Sex Therapist, Vickie George Passion Pursuit with Dr. Juli Slattery Female Orgasm with Sue Goldstein Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation, and Treatments Available with Dr. Irwin Goldstein Turn Ons, Turn Offs, and Savoring Sex in Marriage with Dr. Jennifer Konzen Desire Discrepancy in Marriage with Dr. Michael Sytsma Answering Listener's Questions About Sex with Kelli Willard Anatomy of an Affair with Dave Carder Supernatural Restoration Story with Bob and Audrey Meisner Healthy Minds, Marriages, and Sex Lives with Drs. Scott and Melissa Symington Female Pornography Addiction and Meaningful Recovery with Crystal Renaud Day Building Lasting Relationships with Clarence and Brenda Shuler Healthy Ways for Females to Increase Sexual Enjoyment with Tracey LeGrand Pornography Healing for Spouses with Geremy Keeton Sexual Sin Recovery for You and Your Spouse (Part Two) Personal Development and Sexual Wholeness with Dr. Sibylle Georgianna Our Brain’s Role in Sexual Intimacy with Angie Landry Discovering God's Design for Romance with Sharon Jaynes Sex in Marriage and Its Positive Effects with Francie Winslow, Part 1 Science and Art of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Part 2 Making Love in Marriage with Debra Fileta Mutually Pleasing Sex in Marriage with Gary Thomas Sex Series: God’s Design and Warnings for Sex: An Interview with Mike Novotny Sex Series: Enhancing Female Pleasure and Enjoyment of Sex: An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Degler Sex Series Orgasmic Potential, Pleasure, and Friendship: An Interview with Bonny Burns Sex Series: Sex Series: Healthy Self, Healthy Sex: An Interview with Gaye Christmus Sex Series: Higher Sexual Desire Wife: An Interview with J Parker Sex Series: Six Pillars of Intimacy with Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo 215 Enriching Women's Sexual Function, Part One with Dr. Kris Christiansen 216 Enriching Women's Sexual Function, Part Two with Dr. Kris Christiansen 217 Tween/Teen Females: How to Navigate Changes during Puberty with Dr. Jennifer Degler 218 Secrets of Sex and Marriage: Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma Patreon 23 Her Desires and His Desires in the Bedroom with Dr. Jennifer Konzen Patreon 26 Holy Sex with Dr. Juli Slattery Patreon 28 Protecting Your Marriage Against Unfaithfulness with Dave Carder Patreon 29 Remaining Sexually Engaged Through The Years with Dr. Michael Sytsma Patreon 49: Story of Healing from Sexual Betrayal in Marriage: An Interview with Bonny Burns Patreon 52 God, Sex, and Your Marriage with Dr. Juli Slattery Shaunti's Previous Episode on The Savvy Sauce: Understanding Men and Women Better with Shaunti Feldhahn Shaunti's Co-Author's Most Recent Episode on The Savvy Sauce: Secrets of Sex and Marriage: Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:20] <music> Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. Leman Property Management Company has the apartment you will be able to call home, with over 1,700 apartment units available in Central Illinois. Visit them today at Lemanproperties.com or connect with them on Facebook. Shaunti Feldhahn is my returning guest today. She's a social researcher and best-selling author, and she's going to share findings from her most recent project all around the topic of sexual intimacy in marriage. Here's our chat. Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Shaunti. Shaunti Feldhahn: Oh, thanks. It's so great to be back with you guys. Laura Dugger: Well, you've been a guest previously when you spoke about understanding men and women better. [00:01:20] But today, I'm excited to learn about the discoveries from this fabulous book that you and Dr. Michael Sytsma recently co-authored entitled Secrets of Sex and Marriage. So let's begin here. Logistically, how did you find people to survey and interview who felt comfortable enough sharing this information? Shaunti Feldhahn: That is the question, right? When I first felt like I was being led in this direction and that God wanted us to tackle this topic, I was like, "You've got to be kidding me." Because, you know, all of our research projects, they all start with trying to find out how all of us like average people think and feel and the real issues and the stuff we don't get and where the pain points are. And I'm like, "How am I ever going to get information on this?" And so thankfully... here's actually what happened, and it worked really well. [00:02:22] We ended up doing all the normal kind of anonymous interviews that I normally do with whoever is sitting next to me on the subway or whoever is next to me on the airplane. But I couldn't do that on this topic because, you know, I'd get arrested. What we ended up doing was we did the anonymous interviews over Zoom with their cameras blacked out and with fake names. So Jeff and I did all the interviews together. They could see us like our camera was on, but we couldn't see them. We had no idea who they were. They picked fake names and some of them were hilarious, like, you know, Farm Boy and Buttercup or like Wanda and Vision. It was very sweet, but it allowed people to really share safely knowing that we had no idea who they were. Laura Dugger: That's so creative. And I'd love to know, what findings were you most surprised with by this study? [00:03:27] Shaunti Feldhahn: Well, you know, it's interesting. I'll be candid. Pretty much everything surprised me. One of the things that we try to do in all of our research projects is dig out the stuff that sort of surprises us average couples. One of the things we were focusing on was, what is it that we don't get? Because basically, we're trying to dig out the little things that make a big difference. And if people already know them, they would already be doing them most of the time. And so by definition, we were trying to dig out the stuff that surprised us that we didn't know mattered. I partnered on this survey and on this project with this renowned sex therapist named Dr. Michael Sytsma, who's very, very well respected and looked to as one of the key leaders in the Christian community in this area. So nothing surprised him. He was like, "Yeah, heard that a million times." [00:04:27] But everything that we included actually surprised us. If you want to know, probably my most important surprise, one of the things that we had covered in a couple of previous projects but even so, I found myself being like, "Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. I had no idea" is that when we're talking about physical intimacy as a couple, one of the things that is a really, really common dynamic is that when one partner... kind of just to put it kind of bluntly, one partner wants more connection in that way than the other. Like there's a little bit of a mismatch, which, by the way, is the case with 79% of couples. So the vast majority of us, one partner is kind of wanting more. The assumption that's running into the surface is that the reason for that disconnect is that one person has a lower drive than the other and a lower libido. And yeah, that could sometimes be actually an accurate thing that they have a lower drive. [00:05:45] But we found that most of the disconnect isn't because of that. One of the most important surprises to me is that within most couples, you're working with two different types of desire. And most of us don't even know that's a thing. That to me was the biggest like aha moment. I can explain the two different types of desire if you're interested. Laura Dugger: Yes, please do, because these two types of desire manifest in the reverse order. So it's fascinating. Shaunti Feldhahn: It really is. It's crazy. Like I said, we had covered this a little bit in For Women Only and For Men Only. But we went much more in-depth in this topic in this research project and learned all these things about the physiology that were just, well, like so helpful to know. Basically, if you think about it, the version of what we think desire is, is what we see kind of in a movie. [00:06:47] Like it's the Hollywood idea where the guy and the girl kind of look at each other and there's a spark and they both have this sense of hunger for this. You know, they start kissing and pretty soon the clothes are off and they're in bed. Like that's the normal what you see on the screen. And for many of us, it doesn't actually work that way and so we think something's wrong or our spouse thinks something is wrong. What we found out is that usually there's nothing wrong. I mean, yeah, sure, some people might have medica…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    Journey and Learnings as Former Second Lady of the United States with Karen Pence (Episode 223) Feb 05, 2024
    Show notes

    223. Journey and Learnings as Former Second Lady of the United States with Karen Pence Jonah 2:8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." **Transcription Below** Questions and Topics We Cover: Will you tell us about meeting your (now) husband for the first time and share a bit of your love story? What unique joys and sorrows did your family experience as you raised children in a political family in Washington DC? Will you tell us more about your experience with the Secret Service, both for you and for them? Karen Pence is a former congressional spouse, first lady of Indiana, and second lady of the United States. She worked as a schoolteacher for more than thirty years and started her own watercolor business. She is also the mother of three married children and a grandmother. She lives with her family in Zionsville, Indiana. Connect with Karen Pence on X or Instagram When It's Your Turn to Serve by Karen Pence Connect with The Savvy Sauce through our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sam Leman Eureka Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:17] <music> Laura Dugger: The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today, over 55 years later, at Sam Leman Chevrolet Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi Family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at Lemangm.com. My guest today is former First Lady of Indiana and former Second Lady of the United States, Mrs. Karen Pence. She recently documented her interesting life journey in a book entitled When It's Your Turn to Serve: Experiencing God's Grace in His Calling for Your Life. We're going to get to hear a little bit more of her back story through this conversation. But I do want to let you know up front, we had a few issues with the audio quality, and I do apologize. [00:01:22] But I also want to encourage you to stay with us, because what is lacking in audio quality is certainly made up for in quality conversation and storytelling, because Mrs. Pence has so much goodness to share. Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Mrs. Pence. Karen Pence: Great to be here, Laura. Laura Dugger: Well, will you start by just first giving us a glimpse into your current phase of life? Karen Pence: Yes, you know, it's interesting because Mike and I are at that stage now where we raise our kids. They're all married and we have three precious little granddaughters. It's an interesting time for us. You know, we've spent most of our married life being in public service, serving in political office. Now we're serving, you know, as private citizens. And so it's interesting to see where God is leading us and the opportunities that He's bringing our way. [00:02:25] Because, you know, one thing that we've learned over the years is that God can use us wherever He wants to. So it's an exciting time for us just to kind of see what God's plans are for us now. Laura Dugger: I love that. Let's also just back it up a few years. Will you tell us about the first time you met your now husband and just share a little bit of your love story? Karen Pence: Yes, actually it's a funny story. Mike tells it really... it's hysterical to hear him tell it. But I was actually playing guitar in a guitar group in a worship group in church. He came up to me after the service and actually said he wanted to join the guitar group. And I said, "Well, you would need to talk to the guy with the beard." At that point, he stuck out his hand and said, "I'm Mike Pence." And I realized that was just his ploy to meet me. [00:03:26] Although he could have followed it up. He actually does play guitar and he's played in some worship groups before. But he was in law school, and I said, "Oh, my sister's in law school, too." So he looked her up, got her phone number, and called her house. But I was at her house the day that he called. I was watching her two kids and I was the one who answered the phone. And when he found out it was me, I think he got a little bit scared and actually hung up on me. Then he called right back and we laughed about it. But our first date was taking those two ice skating and the rest is history. Laura Dugger: Oh, I love that so much. One other coincidental thing that you mention in your book is that first conversation took place at a church that you write was right across the street from the Indiana governor's residence where we would serve 30 years later. [00:04:25] Karen Pence: Yeah. It's funny because it's literally right across the street. Little did we know that God was going to bring us full circle and actually have us serve and live in the governor's residence years later. Laura Dugger: Well, something else that I also appreciate in your book, you quote scripture throughout, but there's some powerful words in the Bible specifically from Jonah 2:8. So will you share that scripture and elaborate how God has used those words to guide you throughout the year? Karen Pence: Well, I'm glad you asked about that, Laura, because in my book, When It's Your Turn to Serve, one of the things I try and do is encourage the reader to be willing to step out if you feel God's call on your life. I certainly never anticipated that I was going to end up being the second lady of the United States. But when we first started out, we had just bought a little house and we were so excited. [00:05:29] It was the first home that we had owned, but it was outside of the congressional district. And when Mike and I had decided to go ahead and make that first run for Congress, we realized we're going to have to move. We felt we should live in the district and the district encompassed the area where I taught and the area where he had lived his whole life and grown up. And so we had to move to run. The verse that we clung to that first campaign, Jonah 2:8, "Is those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." So for us, the worthless idol was the little house that we had just bought, because by letting go of that and following God's calling, it led to so many opportunities through the years. I think back to what if we hadn't been willing to give up that little house, all of the opportunities that we would have missed over the years. It's not always easy to give up, you know, those idols, but I find that when we do, we experience God's grace. That's the subtitle of my book is Experiencing God's Grace in His Calling for Your Life. [00:06:52] When he calls us, he truly does give us the grace. And so for us, many times we've had to say, Okay, are we clinging to some worthless idol right now? Are we afraid of stepping out and trusting God? And so it's actually a verse that we have carried with us for 38 years of marriage. Laura Dugger: Yes, it certainly seemed to play out multiple times throughout your life. There was one pivotal conversation when Mike was just questioning someone for how to prepare now to run for Congress in his 50s. So will you share that story? Karen Pence: Right. I mean, it was interesting because he and a friend decided to go speak to the county chairman. Because Mike and I at that time, when we were first married, he was the precinct committeeman and I was the vice committeewoman. And it was a great opportunity for us to start getting involved in politics. Because when you're the precinct committeeman, you go around to your neighbors, you get them registered to vote, you work at the polls on Election Day. [00:08:00] It's just a great way to meet all of the people in your community. So Mike decided to go to the county chairman and say, Okay, this is what we're doing right now. But what should we be doing in addition to that in case I decide to run for Congress years later? And the county chairman simply said, "You should run. You should run right now. Because the best way to learn about running for an office is just to jump in with both feet and run for office." And so that's what we did. It's interesting because we didn't win that election. We didn't win the next election either. It would be 12 years later that we ran one more time and actually Mike won his run for Congress. Laura Dugger: Wow. That is relatable that even when we hear through maybe somebody else speaking some encouragement into our life, that God still has a plan in that timing, even though it's maybe unexpected. [00:09:05] But as your family grew and you added children, can you elaborate on more ways that God's timing was different than your own, but perfect overall? Karen Pence: Yes. Because, you know what, Laura? I want to say all I ever wanted was to be a mom. That's all I ever wanted. I was an elementary teacher then. Actually, I taught all the way through my time at Second Lady. But I was teaching school. I loved kids. I just wanted to be a mom. What we found was God wasn't bringing us children when we first got married. I was 28 when we got married, and it actually took us six years before I got pregnant with our first, Michael. So I was 34 when we had our first child and 38 when we had our third. You know, for any of your listeners who may be struggling with infertility, or maybe you're trying to get a certain job and it's not working out, or you're wanting to buy a home, or you're wanting to find your mate, your partner, and the timing just, you know, you keep having to wait and wait and wait. [00:10:18] God's timing is perfect. When you're in the midst of it, it doesn't seem that way. I remember thinking, "I don't understand this. I'm an elementary teacher. I don't have these big desires to be wealthy or famous or have some huge career. I just want to be a mom." And everyone around us was having babies. I tell the story in the book. I remember being at one Easter brunch and my little niece leaned over and said to me, "Auntie Karen, why don't you have any babies?" And I said, "I don't know. God hasn't brought me any babies yet." And so for me, I couldn't understand why God wasn't bringing us babies. We wanted them now. We were ready. Mike was working. I was working. I'd had many years of my career already. But what I found was His timing was perfect. [00:11:19] Because by the time we did go to Washington, our kids were elementary age, the lower elementary age. And if we had had them when we wanted to, they would have been teenagers when Mike got elected to Congress. And I don't know if I would have wanted to move teenage kids to Washington. It might have been a little more difficult. And so the way that God's timing worked out, by the time we went to Washington, they were in elementary school. And when we went there, it was also another miracle that I got a job teaching art in their school. So all of these things kind of when you look back on your life, you have the wisdom of age and experience to kind of look back and say, "I get it. That's why you didn't want us to have kids when we wanted to have kids." And the timing, when I look back, is just absolutely perfect. [00:12:19] I look at the people that my kids met who are their spouses now and their experiences and the friends they made in school and how they've been lifelong friends. It's just all of these little things go together. And God knew, no, I'm not going to bring you children until I know it's the perfect time. Laura Dugger: What you did is so unique because you really stayed together as a family unit. I'm curious, what unique joys and sorrows did your family experience as you raised your children in a political family in Washington, D.C.? Karen Pence: Well, you know, it's interesting when we decided to move to Washington after Mike won, it's a difficult thing in politics when you're elected to Congress because Congress serves in Washington, D.C., but your home is in another state. And it's difficult for these congressional families. [00:13:21] And they all make whatever choice works best for their family. We found, for us, that we wanted to be together as a family. So Mike hit it head-on with our constituents and he just said, "You…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    222 Pornography: Protecting Children, Personal Healing, Victory, and Recovery in Christ with Sam Black Jan 29, 2024
    Show notes

    Disclaimer: This podcast episode includes adult themes that are not intended for young ears. 222. Pornography: Protecting Children, Personal Healing, Victory, and Recovery in Christ with Sam Black James 5:16 (AMP) "Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." **Transcription Below** Thank You to Our Sponsor: Thank You to Our Sponsor: Dream Seller Travel, Megan Rokey Questions and Topics We Cover: Are there any common denominators present in these men and women who struggle with pornography addiction? Satan can make people feel like this stronghold will last forever, but what hope can you share with someone engaged in this battle right now? What would be helpful for the church to understand, speak about, and offer as resources for healing and recovery? Sam Black is a renowned author and expert in the field of pornography recovery. As the Director of Recovery Education at Covenant Eyes, he brings a wealth of experience to his work, having joined the organization in 2007 after a distinguished 18-year career as an award-winning journalist. Sam is the author of two groundbreaking books: "The Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong About Pornography and How to Fix It" and "The Porn Circuit: Understand Your Brain and Break Porn Habits." He has also edited 16 other books on the impact of pornography and regularly speaks at parenting, leadership and men's events across the country. Sam's deep knowledge and compassionate approach have helped countless individuals and families find healing and hope. The Healing Church Website The Victory App (Through Covenant Eyes) Sam's Email Address: sam.black@covenanteyes.com Other Episode Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce: 91 Technology and Parenting with Arlene Pellicane Connect with The Savvy Sauce on our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:17] <music> Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. Do you love to travel? If so, then let me introduce you to today's sponsor, Dream Seller Travel, a Christian-owned and operated travel agency. Check them out on Facebook or online at DreamSellerTravel.com. Sam Black is my guest today. He is Director of Recovery Education at Covenant Eyes, and he's also the author of The Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong about Pornography and How to Fix It, which is truly such an amazing book that I want to encourage everyone to add it to their list to read. In our conversation today, we're going to cover many topics, including the common denominators present with people who struggle with pornography, practical ways to protect our children against the onslaught of pornography and its harmful effects, and hopeful ways people struggling with this issue can be victorious over this stronghold and live in freedom with Christ. [00:01:38] This is a beneficial conversation for every parent, spouse, and church leader. Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Sam. Sam Black: Laura, thank you so much for having me. We're going to have a great conversation. Laura Dugger: Well, first off, I would love for you just to share your personal journey that led you to this work that you're doing today. Sam Black: Oh man, that's a long story. But maybe the short part of this is over the past 16 years I've served at an organization called Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes creates, of course, software, accountability software, that helps people be more open about how they're using their devices. But also we provide a lot of education. Over those years, I've heard so many people talk about a journey toward real and lasting freedom, but so often they said, "My church didn't help me very much." And I knew that that wasn't the right answer. [00:02:37] So I wrote The Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong about Pornography and How to Fix It, so that we can equip churches with a better understanding of why people get stuck, why they often stay stuck without help, and how we can provide real and lasting freedom, but also healing for marriages and relationships. So I traveled to churches across the United States that were doing this work well, interviewed more than 70 pastors and ministry leaders to help them press into this issue rather than finding it too taboo. And so we don't have to reinvent the wheel. We can look at churches who are doing this work well and learn from what they're doing and we can become a healing church. Laura Dugger: I really can't sing your praises enough for this resource. It's not an easy read because it's a difficult topic and yet it is so important. And it left me wanting to share this with the elders at our church and to hopefully become one of those healing churches. [00:03:42] But I love your stance, Sam, because you're not saying this in any condescending tone. You are very candid about your personal struggle with pornography in the past. Sam Black: Well, I have found that my story is not unique. It's a common story. There's three components to how people get stuck with pornography. It is the early exposure to pornography, one. Number two, it's the ongoing use and repetition, especially in adolescence. And number three, some trauma or drama that's often happened early in life, but can happen elsewhere as well. I was 10 years old when I first saw pornography. I remember coming out of my home in Florida and my brother and his friend were leaning up against their car looking at a magazine sideways. That didn't make any sense to me. How can you read sideways? And I asked what they were looking at and they turned it around. Even though I grew up in a Christian home, I was naturally curious and took a step forward. I didn't turn away. [00:04:44] Now, I also had a friend and his dad had pornography that was just falling out of his closet. There were stacks of it. If you can imagine this normal closet with a shelf at the top and stacks of pornography that were leaning over and falling and there's a pile of it on the floor. It sort of looked like a waterfall. And I could take anything I wanted and I did. But the third part of this component for me was even though I grew up in a Christian home, my father was a hypocritically violent person. He would rage a lot. I didn't realize it at the time that though pornography might have been provoking curiosity and interest, though it may have felt good, I had flipped it to escapism where I felt fear and frustration, and anger. I could run to pornography and then those triggers that would have me going to pornography would expand to things like boredom or frustration. [00:05:44] Or maybe I got bullied at school. Maybe I don't feel good about myself. Whatever those things were, I could run to pornography as a salve to anesthetize my emotions and to regulate my moods. Laura Dugger: And I'm wondering how many people are connecting with various parts of your story right now. Let's even just go one step further. Let's lay the groundwork for this conversation. Can you define sexual addiction? Sam Black: Well, let's look at something very simple. Regardless of where we can be addicted to substances or behaviors, things that have become repetitively and they're impacting us. And even when we say, no, I don't want to go there, I find myself doing it, even though I've said, "I'm tired of this. I don't want this in my life anymore. I'm over this. I promised myself, I promised God, I promised others I'm never going back." And despite maybe some consequences or other things that are going on in my life, I continue to go back. That's, I think, a good layperson's description of pornography. [00:06:51] Despite your best decision-making, you can't seem to overcome what is so impactful for you. Laura Dugger: And yet, even in your book, you talk about the hope that we'll continue to unpack. But I kind of want to circle back to what you were first connecting with your story, those three components. Because it relates to something that you write near the beginning on page six, where you say about two-thirds of Christian men and one-third of Christian women say they have an ongoing struggle as porn. Sam Black: When you look at that a little deeper, when you break those numbers down a little bit further, 37% of men 18 to 30 say they're watching pornography daily. 36% of men of all ages, regardless of age, 36% say they're watching multiple times a week. And about 14% of women. [00:07:50] You say, hey, what's some descriptor of addictive behavior? That's where I'm really focusing, that 37% and 36% and 14%. Those numbers are saying for many of those people, they're like, "I have promised myself, I've promised God, I promised others I'll never go back, and yet I still keep coming back." You know that we talked about that early exposure and ongoing repetition. Well, I told you a complete story about the first time that I saw pornography. Remember coming out of my Florida home, etc. And because the way our neurology, way our brains are built, way God designed them, they recognize emotional on shocking and impactful experiences. And that's why whenever I talk to adults who saw pornography first as a child, almost all of them can tell me a complete story because it's so impactful on that young brain. [00:08:50] Laura Dugger: And even that you say compulsive porn users were typically exposed early. That was a theme throughout your book. And I think that helps to usher in a little bit of compassion for an adult who is struggling with this. Typically, this isn't something that they sought out and we're pursuing. This was something that started early in childhood. Is that right? Sam Black: That's right. Today, especially. Let's revisit this again about that early exposure. So dopamine kicks off. Dopamine loves novelty, something that's never seen before. In God's design, dopamine, when sexual cues are picked up, even though a child doesn't understand "what am I feeling", they often see pornography even before they understand the basics of sex. But nonetheless, they feel the sensations in their body that they don't really understand. And it can focus their attention to the point of tunnel vision. Now, in God's design, that's beautiful. Sexual cues are picked up with your spouse and you're focused on your spouse, the rest of the world disappears. [00:09:53] God's design. Beautiful. Pornography is not sex. It's a hijacking of what God created. And so when that child sees that, often today, it's very shocking, demeaning, violent, often video, etc. So that experience can be even more shocking and even more impactful on that young brain today. Now, what plays with this memory as well is norepinephrine that's associated with fight or flight. So as a child is being shocked by what they're seeing as well, it's even further burning that memory into their brain. So then the ongoing repetition, the youth through adolescence, we actually build neural pathways in our brains. When we do activities over and over, it actually creates neural pathways in our brain that either seek out rewarding experiences or you may have tried to do something for the first time and it was hard. But you did it a few times and your brain learned how to do that. Right? It created a neural pathway to make that easier to do. [00:10:58] Well, when things like pornography are producing dopamine and giving you a spritz of something that feels good, well, that even creates that neural pathway even more. And so people get stuck in what I call the porn rut. They become very sensitive to pornography. Doesn't take much to turn them on. In other words, they become desensitized to pornography, being that after they've seen it a few times, the brain says, "Hey, I've seen this before and I'm not going to give you as much dopamine for this image that you've repeatedly seen." And so people f…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    *Apology and Gospel Update* Jan 27, 2024
    Show notes

    **Transcription Below**

    Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

    Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

    Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

    Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”

    Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”

    Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

    Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”

    John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

    Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

    Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

    Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

    Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

    Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

    Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

    Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

    Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

    **Transcription**

    [00:00:00] Earlier this year, I was spending some of my quiet time with the Lord reflecting on this scripture. "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." That's found in John 15:2.

    These follow-up questions were helpful to process. First, what branch needs to be cut off in my life right now? Second, where do I see fruit? And third, what needs to be pruned?

    A few days later, God revealed something that needs to be pruned through the willingness of a friend to speak truth in love.

    So here's the backstory. There are a few of us friends who get together monthly for a potluck dinner. And Mark and I look so forward to this time together and it's filled with belly laughs and shared heartaches and lasting conversations. [00:01:01]

    We each take turns hosting the group and then we prioritize child care so that it's an evening full of adult conversation. The consistency of meeting regularly has produced much fruit and cherished relationships.

    So the weekend that I was processing these questions, a potluck friend brought up the conversation that she believes it's an error to say God cannot be in the presence of sin. We had a really good discussion of where that saying originated and how we all agreed it was inaccurate. Therein lies my big oops.

    This is exactly the phrase that I say when I present the gospel message at the end of every Savvy Sauce episode. I realized I was in error in the way that I communicated that message and I am so deeply sorry for my mistake.

    One of my initial fears before starting The Savvy Sauce was that I would somehow accidentally teach something or say something in the wrong way that would be misleading or wrong. [00:02:05] And I especially didn't want to mess up on the most important part of each episode, which is when I shared how Jesus is the only one who can save us from our sins.

    My fears became my reality. But it's actually not as scary as I thought because of God's mercy and grace, because of His undeserved favor and forgiveness. So I have already apologized to my Father and now I ask your forgiveness as well. I hope you can forgive me.

    So you may notice a change in the wording of the gospel message from this point forward. It took me months to re-record this because I didn't want to carelessly correct it without praying through these changes and then also seeking the godly counsel of others.

    Now what I would say I believe is that God can be in the presence of sin because Jesus walked among sinners. [00:03:05] He was in relationship with sinners, He dined with them, and He willingly gave His life for them.

    Naomi Vacaro said it really well in her Patreon episode where she expressed, "Sin only separates us from God if we let it." She goes on to explain that Jesus rushes to the side of any repentant sinner every time. That has definitely been my experience with Him too.

    We wrestled through so many options as a potluck group and with our team, but now we feel at peace with this version we've selected. I hope you get to listen to the updated gospel message next time you tune in to The Savvy Sauce podcast.

    I am deeply grateful for this work I get to do and I pray God continues to lead and guide our team as we continue moving forward. So please don't hesitate to reach out if you believe that I've erred in any other area. Love you all. Grateful for you. [00:04:05]

    One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.

    This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.

    But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.

    Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. [00:05:06] This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.

    Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

    So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

    If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. [00:06:06]

    And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started? First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible.

    The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.

    Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.

    We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.

    Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." [00:07:11] The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.

    If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.


    221 Healthy Attachment in Marriage and Parenting with Jason VanRuler Jan 22, 2024
    Show notes

    221. Healthy Attachment in Marriage and Parenting with Jason VanRuler Jonah 2:8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." **Transcription Below** Questions and Topics We Discuss: Will you teach us Attachment theory? How can each of us work to move more towards secure attachment? How can we best set our children up to be securely attached? Thank You to Our Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank Jason VanRuler is the author of Get Past Your Past: How Facing Your Broken Places Leads to True Connection. He began his career in 2011 and has worked with many populations over the years, ranging from persons who are incarcerated to top CEOs, performers and artists, and just about everyone in between. Jason has extensive experience as a clinician, coach, and speaker and operates a multistate private practice. In 2018, Jason joined Bethesda Workshops in Nashville, TN, where he serves as a group leader and facilitator. Jason is known for his ability to relate and connect with his clients and offer hope to those who have felt hopeless. He has an engaged and rapidly growing online audience for his insightful, short videos sharing practical tips for psychological care, self-help, and healthy relationships. Jason enjoys spending time with his wife and three children playing games and traveling. In his spare time, Jason enjoys cycling, running, music, fly fishing, and all things personal development related. https://www.jasonvr.com/ https://www.instagram.com/jason.vanruler/ https://www.youtube.com/c/Jasonvrcounselor https://www.tiktok.com/@jason.vanruler https://www.amazon.com/Get-Past-Your-Facing-Connection/dp/0310367417 Other Episodes Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce: 97 Guiding Our Children Through Their Emotions with Julie Roth Patreon 18 Shame's Journey to Freedom with Julie Roth Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:18] <music> Laura Dugger: Thank you to an anonymous donor to Midwest Food Bank, who paid the sponsorship fee in hopes of spreading awareness. Learn more about this amazing nonprofit organization at MidwestFoodBank.org. Jason VanRuler is my guest today. He is a therapist, speaker, and author. His book is entitled, Get Past Your Past: How Facing Your Broken Places Leads to True Connection. Jason's going to go first, and he's going to share his story now, as well as relationship advice and wisdom for parents and married couples. Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jason. Jason VanRuler: Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I've been looking forward to this. Laura Dugger: Same here. Will you begin our time together by telling us about your personal journey, beginning with growing up in a challenging environment, and then how that led you to become a licensed therapist and now author? [00:01:27] Jason VanRuler: Yeah. Well, I think my story is unique to me, but in some ways, one that is increasingly common, probably shared by a lot. But I grew up in a home that was pretty idyllic. Just all the things were there that you would want to be there as a kid. Seemingly, it was just going to be the childhood that a kid would dream of. And then at age eight, my parents divorced. It was a very surprising divorce to me. I was eight, so I'm not sure how much clarity I really had about anything anyway. But they divorced, and I went from having this kind of idyllic childhood to a very volatile, chaotic one. When my parents divorced, what basically happened is it kind of thrust us into this place of struggling with some poverty, moving a lot. We lived in probably 20 houses throughout my childhood since age 8 to age 18. So we moved a ton. There was just a lot of addiction and trauma, abuse. So it kind of went from having what you might suspect as being a really wonderful childhood to having this significant break and then shifting to something quite the opposite. [00:02:33] For me, obviously, that was really difficult, and I really struggled with that. I did the thing that people do when they exit a difficult childhood, and they just say, well, I'm never going to do that. Right. That'll never be me. I'm going to live so much differently. And so I kind of declared that from the rooftops as I graduated and I'm going to move out and do all this stuff. Unfortunately, I just kind of recreated the same system. And I think the reason for that is I didn't know how to do it differently. I knew in my heart that I wanted things to change, but I wasn't sure how. I ended up just replicating the system. Within a couple of years, I'd gone to college, dropped out of college, was now struggling financially, really, because I was making a lot of poor decisions and drinking and using drugs and just doing all the things that I had said I would never do. That's when I had the realization that I talk about in the book: Either your life is going to be pretty predictable if you keep doing this or it's going to change. [00:03:35] That kind of led me down the path of improvement in wanting to become a therapist. But I will tell you, Laura, I always wanted to be a therapist, actually, if you can believe that. It was probably obvious that I was going to be a therapist because at age eight, I was already journaling. So I don't know many 8-year-olds that are journaling. But I actually have the journal at home. At age eight, I journaled that I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to kind of do all the things I was doing today. And I think some of that was because I have always dressed like a therapist. So I was wearing my corduroys and my sweater and I was dressed like a 60-year-old man. And I just had decided I'm going to be a therapist. And so I think I had clarity, but life was complicated. It took me a long time to get to the place I wanted to go because some things got in the way. Laura Dugger: Wow, that is such a helpful recap. Along this journey, when was it that you met and surrendered your life to Jesus? [00:04:37] Jason VanRuler: Yeah, well, you know, really a couple of times. So when my parents were married, I grew up in the church and that was part of my life. Then after they split, that became something that was really hit or miss. So occasionally we'd go to church and we might go to different churches. So there was not a lot of stability there. As I made my declaration about being different and changing everything, I really had this kind of fight with God. I had this wrestling match where I just couldn't quite fathom how I could have something so good that could switch to something so bad and God could still have some role in that. So for a long time, I really wrestled with that. I would say that even though I had been baptized as a child, I was baptized in the Missouri River shortly after I got married. That, for me, is really when I look at my faith expanding and being the kind of faith that I would want as an adult. Laura Dugger: Wow, that's incredible. Now as an adult, if you fast forward and catch us up to just a snapshot of today? Can you update us on your family? [00:05:45] Jason VanRuler: Yeah. I met my wife, we got married, and we both had talked about having kids and that was important to us. I talk more about this in the book, but we had a lot of problems having kids. In fact, we're told we couldn't and so had tried to adopt and that didn't work. Eventually, by God's grace, we had kids. We did the thing they said we couldn't do. So now I've got three kiddos, a son who's 13 and a daughter that's 10, and another son who is 8. And so married now, this year will be 17 years with three kids. Laura Dugger: I love it. I also just love how God surprised you with leading you into a career where you work so often with married couples. Attachment is a huge piece of any relationship. So will you teach us attachment theory? Jason VanRuler: Yeah, absolutely. Attachment theory is something that's really helpful for a lot of people because I think what we're looking to try to do is to better understand the patterns and themes in our relationship. [00:06:51] And so attachment theory is a great way to do that. It is not a new theory. It's something a lot of people are talking about now, but it's actually been around for a long time. And it was really founded by this guy. His name was John Bowlby. Basically what he based attachment theory on is that we have these initial relationships with our parents and our caregivers. And so that relationship that we have really determines the relationship and attachment style that we have going forward. If you can think about this, when we have a relationship with a parent, we're essentially dependent on them, right? If a parent refuses to care for a baby, they will die, right? They absolutely need that. And so that relationship is critical. And from that relationship, we learn ways to operate in the world. A lot of that initial relationship will determine our future relationship. So that's what they talked about with attachment theory. Bowlby did some experiments that were pretty famous, where he would have a child in a room and the mother would be in the room with the child. Then the mother would leave the room and they would look to see what the baby would do. [00:07:59] If the baby screamed and cried and was just inconsolable and very upset, they would often feel like that was an anxious attachment style. The anxious attachment style is the perception that relationships are insecure, meaning you're always at risk of losing them. And so they are deeply afraid of being abandoned. So that baby would respond as though mom has left and I'm abandoned and now I'm alone. That was one of the styles as they did this research. Another style was the mother would leave and the baby would just be okay. The baby would actually, when the mom came back, not even try to connect. It just didn't have a great attachment to the mother. Period. This would be called avoidant or dismissive. This attachment style is essentially someone who does not want to depend on others or to have others depend on them. And they don't seek all that support and approval that an anxiously attached person would seek. [00:09:02] The third style is disorganized. Some people call this a fearful avoidant too. But this one is mixed results, right? This often comes from having a parent that's inconsistent or at times is hurtful. So it's a person who deeply wants to have connection, but is also deeply afraid of having that connection. At times they might be anxious, at times they might be avoidant, but it's kind of a mixed style. Then the style that everybody wants, Laura, is secure attachment. That's what we're all really going for, right? Secure attachment was when the child was okay when mom was there and okay when mom wasn't there and could be in relationship when there was an opportunity and not when there wasn't. Basically, it's the ability to regulate ourselves well. Secure attachment is something that people want because it allows us to have some more objectivity in relationship, probably a healthier perspective about relationships than we do if we have the avoidant or the anxious or the fearful because those other ones are driven by a need that wasn't met. [00:10:06] Laura Dugger: Okay. That is such a good flyover. Now just a few follow-up questions. As we progress and even get married and have our own families, typically differing attachment styles are attracted to one another. Would you agree with that? Jason VanRuler: Yeah. I mean, I think God's really funny that way. It's sort of this, this idea of we often end up with someone who is either opposite or operates in a place that is kind of challenging for us but is very intriguing initially. Laura Dugger: Can you give some examples of how that plays out specifically in a married couple? Jason VanRuler: Yeah. I think probably the most talked about pairing of attachment styles would be the anxious and the avoidance. And so what this is, is... sometimes called the pursuer and the distancer. So the anxiously attached person is always chasing and seeking that connection.[00:11:09] Because they're kind of fundamental question of the anxiously attached is, Am I okay? Are we okay? The question for an avoidance is, are we getting too close? So when they feel like we're getting too close, they put distance. So what we can end up having is a relationship style where one person is chasing the othe…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    220 Cultivating Healthy Family Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman Jan 15, 2024
    Show notes

    220. Cultivating Healthy Family Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV) "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." **Transcription Below** Questions and Topics We Discuss: How can a thriving, intimate marriage become our reality? What are practical ways we can discover and speak each of our children's love languages? What have you observed to be the best seeds to sow in children's youth, in hopes of cultivating their character and pointing them toward the Lord? Gary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, pastor, and counselor—has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships. Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over thirteen million copies, and has been on the New York Times best-sellers list continuously since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling for more than 30 years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air nationally on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations. For more information visit www.5lovelanguages.com Attend a 5 Love Languages Event Other Episodes on The Savvy Sauce featuring Dr. Gary Chapman: 5 Love Languages with Dr. Gary Chapman Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Became a Teenager with Dr. Gary Chapman Friendships Heal Racial Divides with Dr. Clarence Shuler and Dr. Gary Chapman Francie Hinrichsen's Episode on The Savvy Sauce: Episode 132 Pursuing Your God-Given Dream with Francie Hinrichsen At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. 5 Traits of a Healthy Family Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Became a Teenager Five Love Languages The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers A Teen's Guide to the 5 Love Languages Thank You to Our Sponsor: Dream, Build, Grow: A Female's Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business by Francie Hinrichsen Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:17] <music> Laura Dugger: If you are looking to start a business or side hustle but you're not sure how to begin, I want to encourage you to pick up your copy of Dream, Build, Grow: A Female's Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business. You can find it at foundingfemalesco.com. You're probably already familiar with today's returning guest, Dr. Gary Chapman. He is best known for his work with the 5 Love Languages, but he also has written resources on many other topics that are so beneficial. Today, we're going to be focusing on lessons from one of his books, 5 Traits of a Healthy Family. Here's our chat. Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Chapman. Dr. Gary Chapman: Well, thank you, Laura. It's great to be back with you again. [00:01:17] Laura Dugger: I'd love to hear some of your personal experience. So going back to when you and Karolyn were raising your children, Shelley and Derek, you had one unique request from a young man named John. So will you share that story with us? Dr. Gary Chapman: Yes. John had graduated from the University of North Carolina and had moved to Winston Salem, where we live. And for the summer, he had worked helping, volunteering in our church. But at the end of the summer, he had a job as a schoolteacher. And he came to me and he said, he said, "Gary, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic." And he said, "I really don't know what a healthy family looks like." And he said, "I wonder if you would allow me to move in and live with you all this year so that I could just observe what a healthy family looks like." [00:02:17] Well, Laura, I took a deep breath and I said what any wise husband would say, "Well, John, let me talk with Karolyn about that." So I shared the idea with Karolyn and she kind of liked it. And I said, "Really? You think that would be okay?" She said, "I think it would be good." And I said, "Well, what about the kids?" And she said, "Well, let's just talk to the kids about it." We had a conversation with our kids and they thought it would be good to have a big brother in the house. So I said, "Well, let's pray about it. So we prayed for a couple of days and then we agreed, "Okay, let's give it a try." I said to her, "Well, honey, where is he going to sleep? We've only got three bedrooms and they're already full." She said, "Well, the basement is just open. We could put a wall down there and put a door in and he could have he could sleep... that'd be his room." I said, "Well, okay." So we did. John lived with us for a whole year and just was a part of the family. And we made him a part of the family. [00:03:24] He had things that he did, chores that he did, just like the kids on their level had things they did. So it was a very unique experience. But he was there for everything. He was there for breakfast in our devotional time we had after breakfast. He was there at night when we had devotions with the kids and so forth and so on. He saw the whole thing. And he says, looking back on that, that he has no idea what his life would be like if he had not spent that year with us. Of course, he's married now and has children as his own ministry and all of that. But it was a unique experience. But, you know, it wasn't a totally new concept for me, because when I was a senior at Wheaton College, I lived with the unofficial Navigator representative who lived in Wheaton, he and his wife, Jim Merck. They had five children and they had four of us guys who actually lived in two rooms upstairs in their house. And they integrated us into their family. We helped mow grass and wash dishes and all that kind of thing. [00:04:25] So the concept was not totally new to me, but the experience was new to me. But we're all glad that we did. And so are the kids. Laura Dugger: I'm so curious then, because most of us won't have that type of experience. But was there anything that he pointed out, even in later years, that you learned about your family through the eyes of an outsider, really? Dr. Gary Chapman: Well, he talked about how Karolyn and I related to each other, because by this time we had our marriage together. You know, we would not have had him in our house for the first three years of our marriage or he would never have gotten married because we were having all kinds of struggles in those early years of our marriage. But he saw the way we treated each other with dignity and respect and he saw also how we were investing in the lives of our children. He talks about that at the time at breakfast, the time of the evening, and then going and kneeling beside their bed every night and praying for them individually. [00:05:25] So it helped me see... I already believe these things were important. But an outsider looking in on them, you know, just confirmed how important that is. Laura Dugger: Well, and there's one other story that really stood out from your book. So will you share what made the boys from Carolina so memorable and help us understand how that lesson can translate into our own parenting today? Dr. Gary Chapman: Well, there's four of those guys, John was one of them. There's four of those guys that came to the end of the school year. They all graduated from University of North Carolina and they came to live in Winston-Salem. They all got jobs for the summer and they all lived together. They came to me, I was leading our discipleship ministry in our church and they came to me and said, "You know, we were in the Navigators Christian group on campus and we were all working for the summer, but we would like to serve the church and do something to help the church." [00:06:25] And I was thinking they were asking for like leadership positions to work and lead the young people or da da da da da. And I said, "Well, you know, we really pretty much have all of our personnel selected for those kind of leadership positions." And they said, "No, no, no, no, no, we're not talking about leadership. We're talking about we would like to serve the church." I said, "Well, what do you have in mind?" They said, "Well, we know you have a dinner on every Wednesday night, and we'd like maybe to wash the dishes or clean up the tables afterwards or mop the floors or, you know, just things like that." I said, "Oh, well, yeah, I think we have some opportunities for you to serve." I was just kind of shocked, you know? But they were demonstrating what I believe is the fundamental principle of daily living for a Christian, and that is we're here to serve other people. You know, Jesus said about Himself, "I did not come to be served. [00:07:26] I came to serve and then, of course, to give my life a ransom for others." So they were demonstrating what I have come to believe to be the fundamental lifestyle of every Christian, at least it should be. Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor. Sponsor: Are you starting a business or side hustle this year? There is a book I love and I want to personally recommend because it takes the guesswork out of what to do next. It's entitled Dream, Build, Grow: A Female's Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business. It's available at foundingfemalesco.com. With over 300 pages of proven business tips and tricks, Dream, Build, Grow is perfect for anyone searching for how to start a business from the ground up. It is written by Francie Hinrichsen, who is an entrepreneur and my personal friend. I've collaborated with her on work projects in the past, and I can vouch for her work ethic. She delights in over-delivering to her clients with excellence and care. [00:08:33] And if you're interested in getting to know her a little bit better, she was also a previous guest on The Savvy Sauce. So I will add her episode in the show notes for today's episode. Francie's integrity makes it easy to personally recommend her work. This book is a download of her years of business knowledge and experience. I've read this book cover to cover, and it actually lives on our special bookshelf that I reserve for all the books I would reread over and over again, and that I want to encourage our daughters to also read as they grow up. So I'm so excited for you to get your own copy and begin pursuing your dream. Francie's book has already received over 25-star reviews on Amazon, and readers say they loved the guidance on exactly how to gain clarity, save time, and build a business that works for the modern woman's lifestyle. Dream, Build, Grow: A Female Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business by Francie Hinrichsen provides realistic, achievable, and step-by-step guidance to finally start the business you've been dreaming about. [00:09:43] You can also save 10% when you use the code SAVVY at foundingfemalesco.com. Thanks for your sponsorship. Laura Dugger: You even translated this in your book into an encouragement to parents to go and do likewise. Would you like to elaborate on that at all? Dr. Gary Chapman: Yeah, I really think that one of the traits of a healthy family, and one of the things that motivated me to write this book for families is I know that there's so many people that grew up in dysfunctional families, and they don't have a picture of a healthy family. I just believe that one of the fundamental aspects of a healthy family is that there'll be an attitude of service in that family. The husband will have an attitude of serving his wife. She'll have an attitude of serving him. They will serve the children. They will then teach the children at their appropriate age to serve each other and then to serve mom and to serve dad. And then we take that outside the family. At appropriate ages, we take them outside the family to do service projects to other people outside. [00:10:44] It may be taking them to a food pantry, you know, to help fix up boxes to give out to those…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    Special Patreon Re-Release: Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism with Jill Savage Jan 08, 2024
    Show notes

    Special Patreon Re-Release: Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism with Jill Savage **Transcription Below** Psalm 18:32 (NLT) “God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.” Jill Savage is an author and speaker who is passionate about encouraging families. She is the author or co-author of twelve books. Featured on Focus on the Family, Crosswalk.com, Family Life Today and Today’s Christian Woman magazine, Jill is the founder of Hearts at Home, an organization that encouraged moms from 1994-2017. Jill and her husband, Mark, have five children, three who are married, two granddaughters and one grandson. They make their home in Normal, Illinois. At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Jill’s Website Books by Jill Savage: Living With Less So Your Family Has More No More Perfect Moms Professionalizing Motherhood Better Together by Jill Savage and Anne McClane No More Perfect Marriages by Mark and Jill Savage No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch Need a Next Step? Try Mark & Jill’s FREE 4 week e-challenge here! Jill's book that released in August Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas Thank You to Our Sponsor: WinShape Marriage Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:17] <music> Laura Dugger: I am thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, Winshape Marriage. Their weekend retreats will strengthen your marriage, and you will enjoy this gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at Winshapemarriage.org. That's Winshapemarriage.org. Thanks for your sponsorship. If this is your first time here, welcome! You may be wondering what it means to have a special Patreon release. So, here's the scoop. Patreon was a platform we used to generate financial support for The Savvy Sauce, and we would express our thanks to those paying Patrons by giving them a bonus episode every month. But now, we have some exciting news. [00:01:17] We are transitioning away from Patreon because we recently launched The Savvy Sauce Charities, a nonprofit to inspire us to grow in intimacy with God and others. This podcast will be moving under that nonprofit umbrella on January 1st, 2024. That means after January 1st of 2024, your financial contributions to The Savvy Sauce Charities will still support our work and keep us on the air, but they will also be a tax write-off for you. We try to make as much of our material free to the general population, but it's only possible when some generous listeners show their support through financial backing. We spend thousands of dollars each year to record and produce these episodes, and we do pray that they are beneficial and that God sees fit to use them to be transformational in your life and in ours. [00:02:19] So if that is the case, if you have ever benefited from an episode of The Savvy Sauce, would you consider showing your gratitude through your financial generosity? Any amount is greatly appreciated. In fact, you may have heard me say before, if every listener gave only $1 per month, it would completely offset all of our costs. We will have updates on our website, thesavvysauce.com, in the coming months, but feel free to reach out anytime to any member of our team if you want to partner together. Our email address is info@thesavvysauce.com. And now I'm thrilled to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Jill Jill Savage: Thank you. It's good to be with you again. Laura Dugger: Hopefully our listeners have already heard your previous episode, but can you just give us a quick recap of who you are? Jill Savage: Well, I am a wife. My husband and I have been married 35 years, 25 of them happily. [00:03:22] And that makes up much of our ministry is to marriages. I'm a mom of five. My kids are all now grown, and I'm a nana to three. I run a ministry called JAM Savage Ministries along with my husband. JAM stands for Jill and Mark Savage Ministries. We do marriage events. I speak at women's events. We do a lot of marriage coaching. I do writer and speaker coaching. And we run a lot of online resources. We run a marriage membership site called nomoreperfectdatenight.com. Probably our most popular posts on the blog are what we call Marriage Monday that my husband and I do together. So we stay very, very busy. Laura Dugger: Yes, you do. Well, let's just jump right into one of the topics that you've covered before in your books, in your blog. How did you decide to teach others to resist the pressure to chase after perfectionism? [00:04:22] Jill Savage: Well, I only write about the things that I screwed up. That's really what that came from, because that was a personal struggle for me. That was a place where God was really growing me. And the more I began to talk about that with others, the more I realized that I was not alone in this struggle. So I first wrote No More Perfect Moms and identified what I call the perfection infection. The perfection infection is when we unfairly compare ourselves to others and we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. I think as moms, we struggle with this in so many areas. We struggle with it with our body. We struggle with it with our home. We struggle with it with hospitality, parenting, marriage, all of that. My second book dealing with that was No More Perfect Kids. No More Perfect Kids looks at when the perfection infection invades our parenting, what happens? [00:05:26] And that's when we have unrealistic expectations of our kids and we unfairly compare our kids to others. That really can be damaging. We have to recognize when that's happening. Then eventually No More Perfect Marriages, which is where we took a look at what happens when the perfection infection invades our marriage. We have unrealistic expectations of marriage in general. And we unfairly compare our marriage to other marriages. Here's what we're doing. We're comparing the outsides of other marriages to the insides of our marriage. And that's a dangerous comparison. It's not fair. Or we have unrealistic expectations of our spouse or of marriage. Man, those expectations are just killers in all areas of our life. And that is when perfectionism really begins to rob us of contentment. And that's really at the heart of what happens with perfectionism. [00:06:25] I like to say that perfectionism is this really, really high bar and real life is several feet below that bar. And the space in between real life and perfectionism or unrealistic expectations, that space in between is discontentment. When we are in perpetual discontentment, it fuels anxiety, it fuels depression and it certainly fuels discontentment in general in all areas of our life. Laura Dugger: What are the lies in perfectionism and what truths have you found that we can rest in instead? Jill Savage: You know, the lies really come down to the things that we tell ourselves. For instance, one of the places I struggle with is I believe that excellence is important. I've always been a high achiever and tried to do everything excellent. But the truth is, if I really look at it closely, I don't really expect excellence. [00:07:29] I expect perfection. And that's an unrealistic expectation. So that's a lie I tell myself is that all I really want is excellence. But the truth is I want more than that. And what I have to recognize is on this side of heaven, excellence is attainable, perfection is not. And so just recognizing that. I think another lie is in perfectionism we often feel like we don't measure up and nobody else measures up either because our expectations are so high off the chart. So the truth that battles that lie is “I am enough”. I am enough as I am imperfect and all. So recognizing that and replacing that lie with that truth is a gift we need to give to ourselves and to those that we love as well. [00:08:28] I would say that a third lie that I think we struggle with is that we will tell ourselves that something is a realistic expectation but in reality, it's an unrealistic expectation. And so we're lying to ourselves when we're saying... Okay, I'll give you an example. A lot of times people will say marriage shouldn't be this hard. Well, that's an unrealistic expectation. Marriage is hard. Period. Every married couple is incompatible. Every married couple is wonderfully incompatible. Marriage just forces us to have to learn to deal with those incompatibilities. It forces us to learn how to give grace and kindness to people who are different than us. So marriage is hard work. So a lot of times we tell ourselves lies like it shouldn't be this hard. And so that causes discontentment. And it really is a lie because the truth is it is hard work. [00:09:29] Laura Dugger: Let's just dive a little bit further into these various areas that we may battle with perfectionism, beginning with expecting perfection internally within ourselves. So, for starters, what are some good questions to identify if this is an unspoken expectation that we might have unnecessarily placed on ourselves? Jill Savage: I would say one of the first things is, where are you constantly disappointed? If you can identify. Maybe it's in a relationship. Maybe it's with you, maybe you're constantly disappointed that you can never get on top of the laundry. Maybe it's just something as simple as a daily activity like that, but you're going into it expecting to get six loads done in one day and then you're disappointed because you only got three done. A lot of times the best place for us to pay attention to what's going on internally and what we are saying to ourselves when we talk to ourselves is to identify the places where we are perpetually disappointed. [00:10:36] Because that'll give us a clue at where we probably have some unrealistic expectations. Laura Dugger: What is our next step? Jill Savage: I think our next step is then to ask ourselves, what is a realistic expectation? Maybe you do laundry once a week and I needed to get six loads done, but for the last four weeks, I've only gotten three loads done. You have to look at it and go, So what's a realistic expectation here? Can I get six loads done in a day? No, I cannot. I can only get three loads done in a day or two or one or whatever it is. If we constantly are disappointed in the outcome of what happens, we probably have set some unrealistic goals. A next step would be, okay, so maybe I need to do laundry twice a week and I need to expect to get no more than three loads done. Or maybe I need to do it three times a week and I need to expect to get no more than two loads done. [00:11:38] And so what we do is we take a look at: where have we been disappointed? What have we been able to accomplish in that? What's a more realistic expectation? And then that actually inserts both joy and a sense of contentment and accomplishment to replace the perfectionism. Laura Dugger: Now let's talk about the temptation to pursue perfection externally, beginning with body image. What wisdom can you share about resisting the urge to focus our energy on having the perfect body? Jill Savage: Oh, I think particularly as women we struggle with this because the media has done us no favors. You know, we go through the grocery store checkout line and we see the front of the magazines and you see this skinny celebrity and it says body after baby, three months. And you look down at yours and you're like, Body after baby, three years, never looked like that. [00:12:40] I think we have some pretty unrealistic expectations that are presented as possible. The truth is that magazine cover has been photoshopped and that is not how she looks in real life. So we have to recognize where these messages are coming from. They are setting up absolutely impossible standards. In fact, this all started years ago with the Barbie doll. If a real woman had the measurements of a Barbie doll, I mean, she would not be able to live. Her organs will not fit into that size body. And so I think we have to recognize where that's…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    219 Training Our Children in Biblical Financial Stewardship with Matt Bell Jan 01, 2024
    Show notes

    219. Training Our Children in Biblical Financial Stewardship with Matt Bell Proverbs 11:24 MSG "The world of the generous gets larger and larger; the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller." **Transcription Below** Questions and Topics We Cover: Why do you say you relate to the prodigal son through your own financial story? What are some of your favorite Scriptures that have taught you about God's opinion for how we are all invited to manage His money? What are a few of your favorite ideas to teach our children as it relates to finances? Matt Bell is a personal finance writer and national speaker. While serving as the managing editor at Sound Mind Investing, he has spoken at churches, universities, and conferences across the country. As the author of several books and video-based small-group studies on biblical money management, Matt has been featured in major print and broadcast media. He lives with his wife and their three children in the Louisville area. Matt Bell's Website Trusted: Preparing Your Kids for a Lifetime of God-Honoring Money Management Sound Mind Investing Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sam Leman Eureka Other Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce: Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part 1 with Author and Communication Coach, Kathleen Edelman Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part 2 with Author and Communication Coach, Kathleen Edelman Parenting All Temperaments with Jenny Boyett How to Align Your Finances with Your Values with Natalie Taylor Ideas for Spreading Generosity with Courtney DeFeo Financial Heart Issues with Rachel Cruze Patreon 3 Answering Common Financial Questions with Certified Financial Planner and Speaker, Natalie Taylor Patreon 20 Personal Stories of God's Provision with Hope Ware Patreon 57 Teaching our Children about Finances with Markie Castle Related Articles: Four Best Financial Tips I’ve Received Ten Financial Questions to Ask Your Spouse Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription Below** [00:00:00] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:00:18] <music> Laura Dugger: The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today, over 55 years later, at Sam Leman Chevrolet Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi Family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at Lemangm.com. Happy New Year! Some of you may have already set your New Year's resolutions, and maybe finances plays a role in some of your hopes and dreams for this year. If you're also interested in training your kids to be wise stewards with their relationship with money, you are going to thoroughly enjoy this chat. My first guest of the year is personal finance author and speaker, Matt Bell. Matt recently released a book entitled Trusted: Preparing Your Kids for a Lifetime of God-Honoring Money Management. [00:01:22] Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Matt. Matt Bell: Thanks so much, Laura. I appreciate the chance to spend some time talking with you. Laura Dugger: Will you begin by telling us a bit more about who you are and what work you get to do? Matt Bell: That's a great way to put it. Sure, I'd be happy to. My wife Jude and I have been married for 24 years now. We have three kids. They're 19, 17, and 15. We spent most of our time in Chicago but moved to Louisville in 2012 for me to take a job with a company called Sound Mind Investing, which is a Christian company that helps people invest. It's been around over 30 years. On the side, in addition to the day job, I write a blog, mattaboutmoney.com, and do some other writing and speaking. It's all about biblical money management. I just love the topic. It really is a privilege to be able to do this work. Laura Dugger: I know you've said before that you personally relate to the prodigal son through your own financial story. [00:02:25] Will you share your journey with us? Matt Bell: Yeah, absolutely. I like to say that it was my unintentional reenactment of the Bible's parable of the prodigal son that certainly led me to the Lord and led me to this work. I can smile about it now, but it was a challenging time. I was in my mid-20s, and I inherited about $60,000 from an uncle who passed away. I had no idea he planned to leave me any money, so it was this huge surprise and this huge gift. I had great intentions with the money. I thought, "Wow, this is such a unique opportunity. I really want to use the money well." I thought if I could do anything, I would create my dream job, something I would love to do all of my days. I took a little inventory of the things I most love to do. I love to golf, and I love to travel, so I created a newsletter for golfers who take golf vacations. For a time, it really was a dream come true. I got to play Pebble Beach and some just great courses in this country and some other countries. I was really having the time of my life. [00:03:25] The problem was I wasn't attracting very many paid subscribers. It didn't occur to me as a big problem because I had this huge pile of money that I thought would last forever, but it certainly didn't last forever. A couple of years after inheriting the money, I found myself deeply in debt. I was $20,000 in debt. I took this gift of $60,000 and turned it into negative $20,000 in two years' time because I was just so acclimated to that great life I was living and so blind to what was happening with the money. So that was a very humbling wake-up call to realize what a mess I'd made of that opportunity. I ended up moving home at the encouragement of my parents for about six months, which I'll always be grateful to them. That was a huge safety net they provided to me. But it was also just really discouraging and literally depressing. I remember looking forward to the nighttime when I could just sleep and dreading when the sun would come up in the morning and I had to face up to what I had done for another long day. But it turned out to be this really great turning point. [00:04:26] I mean, during that difficult time, a good friend from college who had become a Christian after I left school, he reached out and wanted to get together and talk to me about matters of faith, which I was open to listening to because I trusted my friend and I was intrigued with what he had to say. And that set me on a course of starting to investigate the claims of Christ and starting to go to church and read the Bible. After about 11 months after moving home, I finally accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, which would have been plenty to come out of that experience. That would have been quite enough. But the other thing is that it woke me up to my need to learn about money. After becoming a Christian, I was amazed to discover how much the Bible says on this topic. So the first church I went to turned out to have this stewardship ministry, which I had never even heard about such a thing, but I loved serving there and just was a sponge, just drinking up everything I could learn about what the Bible teaches about money. That turned into my life's work. [00:05:27] So it was a difficult time, challenging time, but I'm really, in the end, grateful. It was really a wonderful turning point. Laura Dugger: Something that stands out is the Lord's kindness in that because when you were creating your dream job, part of it involved blogging and writing. And that is part of what you get to do today. Matt Bell: Yeah, that's very true. I love taking the background in writing and all that and turning it into something a little more productive than golf. Golf is not a bad thing, but to use it this way to encourage people to see what God's Word has to say on this topic and to start to shape their finances around His Word, I love doing this. Laura Dugger: I love how you shared that this is the experience that set you on a path to then apply biblical principles to all of your life, but especially to finances. Matt, what are some of your favorite scriptures that have taught you about God's opinion for how we're all invited to manage His money? [00:06:34] Matt Bell: Yeah, that's really well said. The first one that comes to mind was the first set of verses that I came across that really, to me, depicted so clearly what our relationship with God and money is to be. And that's in the Parable of the Talents, Matthew 25:14-30, where Jesus talks about a man going on a journey and entrusting three servants with his resources. The man there represents God, the servants represent us. And so God entrusts us with some of His resources to be used for His purposes and according to His principles. I remember reading on into that story, and it says that at a certain point the master returned, and he took account of what his servants had done with what he had entrusted to them. And I remember lingering over those words for quite a while, and I realized, you know, we're accountable. We're accountable to God for how we use the resources that He generously entrusts to us. Now, that's not a heavy burden. [00:07:34] That's something that we shouldn't be scared of or intimidated by, but we should be mindful of that. And just really grateful for the resources that He entrusts to us and the fact that He does trust us. He gives us so much guidance in His word about how we're to manage these resources for good purposes. So that was really a great starting point for me was the parable of the talents. Then as I've gone further in my writing and speaking and thinking about this whole topic, I've come to the realization that I think people understand... they will understand the purpose of money best when they understand the purpose of their life. Because the purpose of money is best seen as a way to express the purpose of our life. We read in God's word about what's most important. Jesus, when He was asked what's most important, He said to love God and to love people. So those are the two starting points, the two first big-picture purposes of our lives and the two first big-picture purposes of money. [00:08:34] And then in Ephesians 2:10 it says that God has prepared good works for us to do. And so everybody's been given certain gifts and talents and passions with which we're to make a difference with the lives we've been given. So I see those as really the three overarching purposes of our lives, love God, love people, and use our lives to make a difference in this world to honor God. And if we can shape our use of money around those three purposes, that's a great overarching orientation of money. Laura Dugger: And to take that even further, it seems that you're passionate about taking that and passing it along to the next generation, which is also very biblical. In this book, your recent one entitled Trusted, you guide parents on ways that they can prepare their kids for a lifetime of God-honoring money management. So I'd love to know why you believe it's so important to train our children to be wise financial stewards. Matt Bell: There are two main reasons. [00:09:34] One is that there's so much at stake here. I mean, it isn't that if we don't teach our kids about money, they won't learn. They will learn. But the consumer culture will be their teacher. Social media has really amplified the messages of the consumer culture. You know, it used to be when I started in this work, I was concerned about young people becoming maybe too materialistic and using money, you know, spending too much time shopping, too much time spending money, things like that. But today there's credible research out there that links some use of social media, in particular, with things like anxiety and depression and even self-harm. And so the stakes have really gotten larger. That as the consumer culture's messages get spread out into the world and amplified, it's more than just about whether we're going to use money well or not. It's really something much deeper, much more at a heart level. So there's a lot at stake here in helping kids know who they are in Christ, if they've placed their faith in Christ, and to live from that perspective. [00:10:36] The second motivating reason to have written this book is because there's so much potential here. You…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    218 Secrets of Sex and Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma Dec 11, 2023
    Show notes

    *DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults 218. Secrets of Sex and Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma Micah 6:8 (NIV) "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." **Transcription Below** Questions and Topics We Cover: Will you share a few practical sexual education tips with us? What are the best ways spouses can practice communicating well about sex and what are the potential benefits? How does "desire tend to work differently for men and women"? Dr. Michael Sytsma is a certified sex therapist, ordained minister, and co-founder of sexual wholeness. Dr. Mike has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He currently works with Building Intimate Marriages in Atlanta, GA as he meets with clients, teaches, and speaks at various conferences. He and Karen have been married since 1985 and have two sons, Josiah and Caleb, and one daughter-in-law. Secrets of Sex and Marriage Website Building Intimate Marriages Website Previous Episodes with Dr. Mike: Ten Common Questions About Sex, Shared Through a Biblical Worldview with Dr. Michael Sytsma Enjoying a God-Honoring, Healthy Sex Life with Your Spouse with Certified Sex Therapist and Ordained Minister, Dr. Michael Sytsma Desire Discrepancy in Marriage with Dr. Michael Sytsma Patreon 29 Remaining Sexually Engaged Through The Years with Dr. Michael Sytsma Thank You to Our Sponsor: Leman Property Management Company Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website Donate to Savvy Sauce Charities here! Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast! Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“ Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” **Transcription** Laura Dugger: Hey friends! This is our final episode of 2023 and I want to share some exciting news with you. It has been a dream to launch a non-profit to resource people so that they're inspired to grow in intimacy with God and others. Well, this dream officially became a new non-profit this year called Savvy Sauce Charities. Beginning January 1st, The Savvy Sauce podcast will now be under the umbrella of Savvy Sauce Charities. And here are just a few changes to explain what that means. First, we're no longer going to have a Patreon option. If you want to support the podcast and all the work that we're doing at Savvy Sauce Charities, I encourage you to still visit our website, thesavvysauce.com, and under the "More" drop-down tab, you're going to find the option to donate. It lists our official name and tax ID number so that you can make a donation that is now tax deductible. We are so grateful for your contribution. And if this podcast has ever added any value to your life, I hope you consider sharing your finances with us so that we can continue sharing our resources with you. Your donations are now tax deductible and our team is so grateful for your consideration and contribution. So I look forward to meeting you back here on January 1st and until then, I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas. [00:01:36] <music> Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. [00:01:53] <music> Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. Leman Property Management Company has the apartment you will be able to call home with over 1,700 apartment units available in Central Illinois. Visit them today at Lemanproperties.com or connect with them on Facebook. Dr. Michael Sytsma is my returning guest today. His episodes are some of our most downloaded because he approaches the topic of sexual intimacy and marriage with such care, gentleness, and knowledge and today is no exception. He recently co-authored the book, Secrets of Sex and Marriage, with Shaunti Feldhahn and now he's going to provide some insight into their research and findings from this beneficial resource. [00:02:54] Here's our chat. Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Mike. Dr. Michael Sytsma: Well, thank you. It's such an honor to be with you. This is always so much fun. Laura Dugger: I just want to begin by saying you are an excellent author. Why did you strive for much of your career to not do this type of work in book form? Dr. Michael Sytsma: I think there are a lot of reasons for that, Laura. Part of it is it's a lot of work to write this way. I'm a slow writer too. Shaunti was great in keeping me focused and languaging a lot of it. We spent hours and hours and hours with me talking through the principles and then her distilling them and writing them. So much time. The other thing is there's some great stuff out there. You know, Cliff and Joyce Penner's book on Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex, I just think is... I told them once, yeah, nobody can do better than that. Why would I even try? There's such good stuff out there. [00:03:52] And then I think it took me listening to tens of thousands of hours of stories before I felt like I had the credibility to say something that wasn't already out there. So just a number of reasons. But it's been an amazing project. Laura Dugger: And what would you say was the most enjoyable part of this project for you? Dr. Michael Sytsma: Well, you know me, I'm a little bit of an academic nerd at times. Just the research, you know, to dig into the numbers and to see what people are saying that they don't know they're saying. We had 502 matched pair samples. So 502 couples where both the husband and wife answer anonymously, but we're able to pair them up to know who's married to who. So I can ask, how often do you think your wife wants to have sex? And then I can ask the wife, how often do you actually want to have sex? And we can then compare to see how far apart they are. We're asking that of the wives, too: What do you think of your husband? [00:04:54] And to see just how radically different couples are at times and how they misperceive each other, that's fascinating. And then the surprises. I've always taught that couples that have more kids have less frequent sex. And that is way not what the data told us. I even ran it three times. I went all the way back to the beginning and redid all of the calculations because I kept looking at it going, "This is wrong. This is not true." But it was so dramatic to see the couples that are three or more kids, which I know you don't know anybody like that, you know, their frequency versus the couples that have no kids, a huge number of sexist couples in that category. And when you come across those kind of surprises, that's the cool part of doing this type of work, I think, to be able to say, well, maybe things aren't what we've been saying. Maybe things aren't what we thought they were. Laura Dugger: And I love that you are just a lifelong learner and an excellent teacher. [00:05:54] I know that there's a lot that we can cover when it comes to sexual education. But I think it would be helpful to have you share a few of the actionable ideas that you mentioned throughout your book. So will you just share a few of those practical tips with us now? Dr. Michael Sytsma: I think the first one that comes to mind, Laura, is a big picture issue that the last couple of years I've been spending more and more time on just seeing the value of it. You know, great marriage, great sex happens not from our skills and our technique, but happens from our heart. And what kind of a heart that we have toward ourself, toward our spouse, toward our marriage. I keep spending more and more time talking about the value of seduction. My assertion is that in dating, we present our best self, because we're trying to woo, trying to draw, trying to seduce the other into wanting to be with us, into liking to be with us. Getting hooked on us. [00:06:55] And so we're always showing up as our best. I like to talk about that as seduction. Part of the principle of seduction is it has to be two-way. It doesn't matter how hard somebody tries to seduce another individual. If we're not receptive to it, we can't be seduced. So early in that dating, we're working to be our best to seduce the other. And then our future spouse receives that seduction and they warm up to it and they allow it to touch their heart. Sometime shortly after the wedding, we tend to stop doing that. "Well, this is who I am. It's who you married. Deal with it." Or we close our heart to the other. What you're trying to do to touch my heart, I no longer let it touch my heart because I'm hurt or I'm wounded or I'm angry. I'm punishing you. I'm doing passive-aggressive stuff, whatever. I no longer let the things that used to touch me truly matter. And so I spent time helping couples to think through how can you be seductive to each other and then how can you receive that seduction and allow this space between you to be a wooing space, a drawing space. [00:08:06] So I think my first practical would be that heart issue of how do we not act seductively, but how do we live seductively? How do we make sure that everything we do from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed is presenting our best self, not a false self, but our best self towards our spouse? Laura Dugger: Then I even think of the research that you've done on a chemical level. So will you share the chemical reasons why couples who engage less are going to desire it less? And if they engage in sexual activity with each other more, they're going to desire it more. Dr. Michael Sytsma: Some of this is still in process in the biochemical field as we're looking at how does some of that play out. As we're talking about this, we're on early edge of stuff that down the road we might go, that's not quite exactly how we expected it to be. [00:09:05] But we do tend to see that the law of thermodynamics... Dr. Rosenau used to talk about this. You put energy into something and it grows and you stop putting energy into it and it's going to die. I see so many times couples that intentionally actively work on growing any arena of their marriage, whether it's, you know, we're going to be better parents for a while, or we're going to really work on our finances and budget things or get a good savings going, or we're going to really work on our spiritual life. As we put energy into it, it grows. And it's no different with our sexual life. I sometimes more so there because as a guy engages in sexual activity, not only is that often prompted by or fueled by our testosterone level, but then it increases our testosterone level. And we believe that there's very likely a cyclical loop that goes on, that the more we're engaging in it, the more it's produced in our system, and the more we desire it, so the more energy we have for it. [00:10:09] It doesn't always work quite that cleanly for women. There tends to be another cycle that's often engaged. We think that much the same process works there though, that as we get into the habit, as it were, that it begins to be self-fueling, self-fulfilling, easy for both of those to get disrupted and to fall back. And we have to intentionally put energy back into it again. But if we ignore it for a while, it tends to spin down. And the more we ignore it, the more energy it takes to get it spun back up. And couples come into my office who have neglected or because of wounding have stepped away from it, or there's been reasons that they haven't been pouring energy into the sexual part of the relationship. It takes so much energy to get it started back up. But once it gets started, it tends to run without very much energy and it doesn't take too much to even spin it up a little bit more. [00:11:07] So yeah, we think there is some biochemical aspect that's going on there as well as just the relationship and the thought process. And maybe some spiritual energy that's coming into it as well. Laura Dugger: That's good. It makes me think my husband loves to play golf and he will talk about improving his golf swing would be with a swing thought. So just clearing everything and thinking of one thing. So it's making me think of swing thoughts that you've taught me for when I was preparing to see my own clients. And you and Dr. Doug and Deborah Taylor would all kind of summarize that as a swing thought to remember where you say a sex life in motion stays in motion and a…

    Full show notes at the publisher

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