The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

112: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 2 – Demolition Time Oct 15, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately, affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.

We are in part 2 of our series on affairs today. We talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
Okay time to face the music. Your current marriage is now dead. There will be no bringing it back. But before you throw in the towel you can build some different and new which we explore in the next episode.
In stage 2, there are two parts that we must undertake.
- First, we need to take an autopsy of the relationship that the two of you had but working to understand what was not working.
- Second we need to talk about ending the old ways. This happens by making agreements about what you won’t do and by acting on them.
Here are some practical tips on taking that autopsy.
- Analyze the time you spend together and alone. Did the balance of alone time and together time work for each of you?
- Talk through the places you each spend time at. Are there problems associated with these places. This can be a difficult discussion if an affair happened with a coworker or maybe with someone at a gym that you have a membership.
- What types of ways in which you interact at home don’t work. For example if not spending much time in the evenings together was troublesome for either of you then that is certainly a problem area.
- Do you confide in others about your marriage and if so is this a problem for one of you?
- Do either one of you have issues with the way your communication goes. Is it volatile and prone to blowing up or is the opposite true and you don’t talk at all? Maybe both are present.
- The actions they take that are different than normal. Maybe your spouse usually leaves shoes in the entry way but today put them in the closet.

In part 2 of stage 2 – Demolotion, you must begin to make agreements to end old ways of doing things? A lot of this part involves possibly walking away from the old habits which some may not be easy
- Do you need to leave a job where the coworker work?
- Do you need to spend less time away from home?
- Do you need to stop talking to others about issues in your marriage?
These are many more questions are the basis for this area of getting back on track. In this stage, you may not be completely ready to take action but you are now able to gently communicate with each other about the issues that are on the table and that need to be addressed in order to move forward.
Expect these “negotiations” not to go perfectly either. You may still have triggers or other important things come up that will work to make you resist wanting to make a change.
The key here is to keep your eye on your relationship. Going into these discussions with the focus being on the permanence of your relationship until you die versus the temporary nature that work and activities can have will help.
Up next part 3 - Constructing the New Relationship

Resources:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

111: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 1 – Stopping and Assessing Oct 08, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
We are in part 1 of our series on affairs today. We will talk about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
So now that affair has happened and been discovered now what? Let’s talk about some best practices if you will to think about in stage 1.
- Ending the relationship with the other person is the first step. If this is not done then there will be no ability to move forward.
- If the relationship has ended, but the betrayer is still having thoughts and/or vocalizing thoughts of this other person and being with them, these also must be dealt with in some manner.
- The betrayer must also come clean with everything and be very detailed. This must include things like times and places with the other person. It should also include things like being open to talking about times when the betrayer lied to the betrayed partner.
- One exception to talking about all the details is that most experts agree that talking about the specific details of sexual encounters and also specifics about texting should not take place. There are studies that show that this can increase the PTSD type effects in the betrayed partner.
- The betrayer should also work to eliminate defensiveness when approached or asked questions about what happened and about even things going on in the present that the betrayed partner is asking about. Defensiveness while understandable as a protective measure driven from fear but it actually hinders forward progress.
- The betrayed partner should pay lots of attention to the emotion of anger. Anger is a forward propelling emotion and can often lead to things like rage which are also counterproductive. Of course anger is an emotion just like the fear that the betrayer has, but if it goes to far can also hinder healing.

This initial stage is unfortunately going to filled with lots of stepping in wrong ways. There will be days of forward movement, days of no movement and some days of backward movement. The key is to hang in there and slowly better days are usually around the corner.
Up next part 2 – Demolishing the Current Marriage and then part 3 Constructing the New Relationship

Resources:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

110: Focusing on The Positives in Your Spouse for 24 Hours Oct 01, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about focusing on the positives just for one day. Being mindful that we can often tend to focus on what we don’t like and is bothersome to us. The is some research that suggests are brain is wired to focus on the negative so this is not easy. We will talk about this along with some tips and things you can do to focus on the positive. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s message is simple, I am asking you to focus on the positives in your spouse for just 24 hours. Why just 24 hours? You don’t need to get overwhelmed and also small things can eventually lead to big things so let’s start small.
Brain research does tend to suggest that negative experiences and thoughts often stick like glue while positive experiences often fall away rather quickly. I mean think about this in your own life. I can think of a quick example when it comes to my couples counseling. I might have 25 sessions in a week and 24 of the couples are very happy with the service, but 1 is not happy. What am I going to focus on? Of course I am going to focus on the couple that was not happy. If I am not careful I might beat myself up over this by completely ignoring that I have 24 that were completely satisfied.
So what are some of the things you can be happy about in your spouse:
- Celebrating who they are and the things about their personality that you love
- The actions they take that are different than normal. Maybe your spouse usually leaves shoes in the entry way but today put them in the closet.
- How about the actions they take that are always the same. Often I will hear one partner state that I am not going to thank him for something he SHOULD be doing. Ouch!! Get that thought out of your head! My wife is the cook in the family and always makes dinner. I make it a point to try to thank her everytime for this even though she has agreed this is her job.
So what types of things should you do to focus on the positives?
- Be mindful of where your thoughts are going. Recognize negative thinking and replace it with the positives.
- Verbally express appreciation for who your spouse is and even something simple for their choice to be with you and marry you.
- More verbal expression of thanks for an action they took or maybe it was an action they did not take. For example, maybe your spouse always does a girls night every other Friday night, but decided she wanted to spend more time with you.
- Thank your spouse for getting up to go work in the morning to support the family. Do this even if you do the same thing and if you think you work harder!
- Put a simple note of how much you appreciate and love your spouse in their lunch bag. Then think about your partner receiving this later in the day and the smile that could be on their face.
- If you have a smart phone, create a character of yourself through something like an app called “Bitmoji” and send them a happy text during the day.
- Thank them for the decision they made when you got married that they promised they would be with you forever.
Maybe things are tough right now between the two of you but keep doing things like this and often you might see a turn in your spouse and the relationship.
If you want to give up, keep doing it for yourself knowing that often you will reap what you sow.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

109: What to Do When Your Spouse Won’t Come to Church Sep 24, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about what to do when you and your spouse are not on the same page when it comes to spirituality and attending church. It can be a difficult situation for sure, one that can cause a divide in your relationship. We will talk about this today including some ways to cope and a few things to try to help you connect better in this area. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When we talk about connection in a marriage relationship especially in a subsequent marriage after divorce, there is no better way to connect than through a spiritual bond. The title of today’s episode is more about what to do when not attending church together, which we will talk about. However, often this is a sign that one of you may be a believer in a higher power and one of you might not.
A study at Harvard University suggested that couples that attend church together have a reduced risk of divorce and still another study at Brigham Young said that how often a couple attends together also has an impact on divorce.
However I have still seen studies that suggest the divorce rate among professing Christians is the same as the population at large. Nevertheless if we look at each way a couple connects this should be looked as another important way a couple can choose to connect.
My narrative is a tale of two stories. In my first marriage, this was not something either of us entertained. I walked away from the Christian church when I was 16, only to return as my first marriage was crumbling at around the age of 28. I remember asking my wife to attend church because I felt it was necessary to help repair the damage in our marriage. She came a few times, but I suppose for her it was too late. So as I look at this it was not so much that I don’t think she wanted church and God a part of her life, but just that she didn’t want it with me.
Fast forward to my second and current marriage, and attendance at church and staying close to God and Jesus is extremely important. Are we perfect of course not, but know there is only one that is perfect and that is God the one in whom we put our trust.
All that being said you may find yourself in a marriage in which the two of you are what the bible calls being unequally yoked. Now let’s talk about this for a moment in terms of dating versus being married.
- What the Bible Says When Dating: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness.” 2 Corinthians 6:14
- What Does the Bible Say About Marriage: “To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy” 1 Corinthians 7:12-15
So according to the Bible if you are dating an unbeliever then you should really not stay together especially if the unbeliever will not change. However, if you are married, the bible encourages you to stay together
So that being said, let’s talk about when you are married again and your spouse is not a believer. What should you do?
- Pray first. I would encourage you to always do this first
- Have a conversation about your partner’s history of belief and or church attendance. You may learn of a hurt or something else traumatic that may have happened.
- Ask if you spouse will go at least 3 times and to not make a decision about continuing until that time.
- At the second or third visit, notice if something simple is needed at the church. For example maybe the trash is full or seats need to be put up at the end of the service. Ask your spouse if it would be okay to stick around just a few minutes to help with this.
- Have a discussion non-defensively after each service about what your spouse was experiencing. There may be things your spouse doesn’t like and so maybe another church might be appropriate or it could be the entire experience is not your spouse’s liking.
- If you spouse makes the decision to not go, then it is best that you keep going. Keep living out what God has for you and quite possibly over time you might possibly be able to pull them toward you.
- What if your spouse says I am not going because church is full of a bunch of hypocrites. Maybe delicately say, well they always have room for one more! We are all hypocrites about many things in our lives.
Ultimately, research on church attendance shows that people feel more connected, experience less depression, have healthier habits and less unhealthy habits. Of course we are not promised by God that following Him will be easy and free of trials, but knowing that He is with us and others who have the same values are with us can make all the difference.
Ultimately stay patient and lean on loving your spouse when they still have a hard time wanting anything to do with church and God.

Resources:

None Today.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

108: Learn How to Date Again Sep 17, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks to author and life coach Elizabeth Lewis about dating again. Learn practical tip and things to watch out for especially if it has been a few years since you last dated. Topics like sex and also internet dating are among many topics we tackle on today’s episode. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you are divorced or widowed and not yet back into a solid relationship, then this episode is for you. Dating has certainly changed over the last few years especially in the realm of online dating.
In her new book called First Date, Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating The Next Time Around, Elizabeth Lewis talks about what inspired her to write the book. Namely, her time jumping back in to the dating world after the passing of her husband. She learned a lot from her own experience and wanted to make sure the same mistakes aren’t made by others.
She spends some time walking through the internet dating world and give some really helpful tips like making sure your picture is not many years old and that it is appropriately showcasing you and not others for example.
Elizabeth discusses what she calls the 5 stages of dating that we all go through if a relationships lasts long enough. They are: The Spark, Date and Learn, Deeper Dating, Solid and Real, and The Long Term Commitment. So it isn’t just about what I call The Honeymoon and The Settling In Period as we have been led to believe for so long.
Elizabeth talks a lot about sex as well. Of course if you are a Christian, then sex after marriage is really the preferred way to go. The bottom though as she mentions and she even says the number one reason in her opinion that next time relationships don’t work out is having sex too soon. She even quoted some very interesting research including that something like 90% of relationships in which sex happens in the first 30 days ends up not working out.

Resources:

Love and Laughter Life Coaching

First Date, Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating The Next Time Around

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

107: 3 Small Questions to Get Big Results in Your Relationship Sep 10, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the little things in your remarriage and in your life that can get big results. Big things in life often come from small beginnings. Hurricanes start small and grow, pennies can turn into millions of dollars with time and proper investing, small runs can turn into marathons. Just like these things it is the small things in your relationship that can turn into the big things. We will talk about 3 little questions you can ask each other on a daily basis to feel more connected over time. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You probably know this, but it’s the little things that can turn into big things. We often think that if something isn’t big to start with then it isn’t worth doing. Kind of like this podcast, we are now on episode #107 with a great Facebook community and lots of awesome things that people are telling me that result from this podcast, that I never thought were possible at episode #1.
In the Western Hemisphere, Hurricanes start from gentle breezes across the Saharan desert in Africa. And they can develop into monstrous storms that are large, have great winds and rain associated with them. The largest hurricane even recorded was Typhoon Tip in 1961 that grew to almost 1400 miles in diameter. Think about the U.S. – From Richmond, VA to San Francisco is about 2900 miles. So this typhoon or hurricane was about half the size of the U.S.
At some point I invested my first dollar into my retirement account about 25 years ago. Today it looks like I am on track to be able to retire with hopefully lots of life left. However, if I took the stance that the pain of investing then was not worth it and that I would rather enjoy things now instead of later then I would not be in the position I am in. Side note if you are not investing in your retirement, do a little now. Every bit counts.
How about did you know that the average honeybee produces about 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey in its lifetime. That doesn’t sound like a lot and to us it might not be but to that bee at the end of its life that is a lot of honey. Also think about going to your local grocery store and seeing all those jars of honey and how many bees it took. They are all doing the little things to create something big.
The same can be said of your relationship. Sure your past relationships did not work out and yes maybe some big things happened like an affair or verbal abuse on your part or toward you. But usually these things start from something small. As I always say of course the person doing this actions is responsible for their behaviors, but maybe things started small into simply not being heard and understood and maybe one or both of you worked too much and had no life balance. Whatever the reason for the divorce it probably started as something small.
That is why in your current relationship you should focus on the small stuff. Remember that popular book called, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff?” Well in this case I would encourage to yes please sweat some of this by putting in an effort when it comes to the small things.
Today my focus on the small stuff centers around 3 small questions when done regularly (hopefully every day) will get you some big results down the road. So lets talk about those questions
3 Big Questions to Ask Each Other Everyday (Make sure to focus on the things that happened that will have an impact on your relationship).
- What did We Do Well Today?
- What Could We Have Done Better Today?
- What is One Thing I do not know about you?
These seem simple and they are. If you ask them once or twice that can feel good and be a fun exercise but if you ask them over and over again you will hopefully start to see more change and connection happening in your relationship.
The final question to ask yourselves though before you begin is “When should we ask each other these questions?” This is of course up to you. By their nature they probably should be asked at the end of the day or you could ask them in them morning as they pertain to the prior day, but do what you think will work for each of you and create the best chance for a habit.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

106: Learning Through The Mess of Life Sep 03, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks to author and therapist Judy Herman, LPC about working through our past and our relationships. She takes a dive into her new book called "Beyond Messy Relationships." It is a memoir but it also has so many useful thoughts about relationships and these various dances we can get caught up in while we are in the thick of the messiness that you will find so much applicable to your own life. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies

Judy talks about the great amount of grief she experienced in her own life as the fuel behind the writing of the book.
She describes 8 dances in the book and we pay particular attention to the dance of shame which can be so common post divorce.
Shame unfortunately can often flow into a more permanent guilt, but Judy describes that there is a way out if we would only perservere through it.
We talk about being a Christian and being set free, but all the while still being a human and struggling through this shame and guilt.
Judy gets vulnerable when she talks about the struggles she and her current husband have had with his bipolar diagnosis.
She really crystallizes the purpose of the book in that she wants us to see and own our realities, but to get help through and maybe most importantly have self compassion.

Resources

Get First 3 Chapters of Beyond Messy Relationships for Free!
Beyond Messy Relationships by Judy Herman

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

105: Emotion is Important in Your Remarriage Aug 27, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about emotion and its role in our lives and in our remarriages and blended families. Emotion by many is sometimes seen as something to avoid or not dwell on. We hope to dispel that and other myths in today’s episode when we talk about the importance emotion has to move us in our lives. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

So let’s talk emotion. In our world, the stereotype is that women can deal with emotions and men cannot. It is often generalized that women like talking about emotions and men do not. This can actually certainly be true in lots of cases.
There have been lots of studies that suggest that men are more logical and operate more from the left side of the brain and women operate more from the right side. Some of these things have been confirmed and especially that certain parts of the brain size are different in women and men which can account for differences in logic versus emotion.
Often we think of behavior changes like date nights, spending more quality time together, or changing our communication styles will help better our remarriages. The thought is that if we change our actions, then our feelings may change.
However there is a lot of research especially in the field of psychology that has suggested over the last several decades that it is not behavior change that will move us but it is emotion.
Think about your favorite movies? Yes, there is action in many movies but it is things like emotion that can really move us. It is those movies that we come out of them changed. For some reason the movie Old Yeller comes to mind for me. I saw this movie as a young child. I don’t remember crying as a child before age 10 at anything other than a cut or bruise…except for this movie. It was the story of a beloved dog to a child that had to be put to sleep by the father from what I remember. That MOVED me to tears. Key word….MOVED.
So speaking of being moved do you know what the Latin derivative and definition of the word emotion? It means to “remove, move out, agitate.” In my example about the movie, I certainly remember it moved me. It moved me to do something different. I remember it spurred me to have a conversation with my mom about this movie and to share my experience. In other words it opened a human connection and sort of advanced me along in my life’s journey.
The same can be said about your present relationships with spouse, your children and you stepchildren. But sometimes it depends on the specific emotion shown.
Did you know there is something called primary (basic) and secondary (complex) emotions. Let’s talk about those for a moment.
Primary emotions are the ones that science says that have been implanted into us. They are anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. They are considered to be hardwired into us from the beginning of time. These are the emotions that can readily be seen especially around the eyes.
These are the emotions often that are perceived when our partners do something different than the more neutral look that we are generally presented with. Primary emotions are more transient and are often associated with an event. They can tend to fade rapidly.
However these can often be deceiving because there are more complex or secondary emotions that we have learned over time especially from our care givers. These emotions can linger and do not dissipate quickly.
The more complex emotions might be something like overwhelm, worthlessness, excluded, nervous, exposed. They can be positive like successful, confident, valued, or hopeful. These are the more vulnerable emotions that we often keep hidden again because we have been trained through evolution to know that these are not necessary to survival. But oh how they are necessary for the survival of relationships.
So why are we talking about these? Well just as we mentioned a moment ago, the emotions that we can spot and see very quickly are the 6-7 primary emotions like anger or disgust for example. Once we perceive these on our partners face, the last thing we want to do 1 or 2 things. Our survival instincts come into play at these moments and we only want to:
- Fight
- Flight
- Freeze
These instincts were helpful when we lived in caves and confronted the saber tooth tiger. They are less helpful when we run into problems with our partner or kids. They usually result in responses that are much more than what is needed in the moment.
So what should we do? I’ll give some thoughts on that now.
- Take a breath to keep the fight, flight, or freeze response at bay.
- Lean in and explore what is the secondary emotion that you are seeing in your partner. Try not to give in to what you believe you are seeing on the face. There is often a more complex emotion underneath that really tells the tale.
- Encourage your partner and kids to come to you when they are feeling emotionally to discuss. However you must work on being non-judgmental and accepting. This will encourage more sharing in the future.
- Sharing of emotions can often change your relationship. It can MOVE it to a better place.
This is all easier said than done. Sometimes those in your new family will not share these things as you would like. So you must develop lots of patience!
Also don’t tie your actions to the results. If you do that you could be sorely disappointed in yourself and your family. Remember this can take years. Hang in there.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

104: How to Deal With a High Conflict Bio Parent Aug 20, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer takes a look at how to deal with an ex-spouse who always seems to be angry and want to pick a fight. We will take a look at why this happens and some suggests on how to navigate this very dicey situations so that you, your partner, and the kids can have the best experience possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In a relationship that ends in divorce there is often one or both partners that are left very hurt, alone, and said. Unfortunately this sadness often builds into anger that spills all over the place when trying to have simple logistical discussions about the kids, the transitions, and life at each home.
Unfortunately this is very common and often a normal human response to pain especially the pain caused by the ending a once deep and connected relationship.
Often it can sometimes feel like the anger comes out of nowhere. You might be having a simple discussion about one of the children’s allergies and maybe some different foods or medication that is needed and all of the sudden your ex-spouse bursts into an angry disagreement over how you want to handle this situation.
Or sometimes there is nothing that needs to be decided or a solution to be had at the time, and anger will erupt. The next thing you know you are hearing about all the times you failed in the relationship and what you did or didn’t do to cause the end.
It can get ugly so what in the world can you do when you ex-spouse becomes what we call a High Conflict Bio Mom or Dad (HCBM or HCBD). Lets talk through some things you can do to help in these situations.
- Sometimes it is not about you. Take a step back and realize not everything that is spewing is on you is about you. Often frustrations over other situations that may come forth from your ex-spouse that may or may not be connected to your divorce. It is advisable to probably not explore these too much with your spouse but to just know this going in to discussions.
- Keep discussions and meetings more business like. This means working hard to remove the troubling surface emotions like anger to come to the surface. Of course this takes two of you and so you may have to work to get buy in and or wait this one out a bit.
- What are you doing to fuel the fire? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is look into the mirror at our own part in the chaos. Maybe you are gently but you still get defensive or don’t necessarily fully listen to what the other partner wants. If you are human then you will be often thinking more about your own response.
- Is there a part of what your ex-spouse is saying that you can agree with? This is very difficult to do when anger is erupting. It is very hard to work on a compromise if you cannot logically process the issues while big emotions are happening. But if things are calm then work to hear something in the complaint that you can agree with.
- Explain to your ex-spouse that you will not be able to continue the conversation if emotions continue to run high. It is okay to excuse yourself or take a break from this.
- Stick to parenting discussions. If the issues stray then ask gently to get back on track. Often hurts over the past will come up and if you can steer you ex-spouse back to discussions about the children only.
- Has forgiveness occurred yet? Often if this has not happened then bitterness and resentment will still be present. When genuine forgiveness is given and granted it can often lift the weight that is causing pressure. In science we know that pressure causes heat and that heat needs to escape. In relationships that heat escapes as anger toward an ex-spouse for sure.
- Mediator or App Like Our Family Wizard: As a last resort when all else fails it could be help to have a mediator such as a professional counselor to help give unbiased thoughts. Additionally there is an app for smart phones called “Our Family Wizard” that can help keep schedules and conversations noted among other features.
One last word is that you may exhaust all of these techniques and it still may not work. You may still have an angry ex-spouse to deal with. If you feel that the verbal escalations that are happening rise to the level of abuse then you may need to either contact an attorney or law enforcement to gather their suggestions.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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103: Staying Mentally Healthy in Your Remarriage Aug 13, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer takes a look back the best episodes on The Remarried Life podcast that will help you to stay mentally strong in the face of the difficult and complex new life in your remarriage and blended family. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Let’s face it, staying mentally strong in today’s world with everything that comes at us can be difficult. Unfortunately gun violence feels like it is on the rise and that we now wonder is any public place safe. It is things like this that when we add to the grief and loss of divorce and the anxiety over stepparenting and blended families that it makes perfect sense that we can gravitate toward things like depression and anxiety.
While there are certain actions and behaviors and strategies that can make life in a blended family better, it really starts with your own mental health.
Did you know that almost 7% of adults will have a depressive episode in any given year. Bipolar depression which can swing from great highs to great lows can affect almost 3% of the U.S. population.
Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S. affecting about 18% of the population. Now it could be actually argued that everyone has anxiety but of course it only rises to a problematic level in some.
If you have listened to the podcast for any length of time, you know that starting with ourselves is probably the most important thing you can do, so today we are going to take a look back at some of the episodes that can help you to stay mentally on track as the insanity swirls around you.

Session 6: The Stigma of Divorce - Things like feelings of failure, feeling less than you are, and feeling different are all things we talked about in the episode. The overarching theme though is that this is normal and everyone experiences these things especially in the beginning.
Session 11: Trusting Yourself After Divorce – Really enjoyed this episode with Carmen Roman, fellow podcaster who talked about the experiences we gather through divorce, walking through the grief process, working past the milestone events the next year, among many other issues.
Session 19: Have You Healed From Your Previous Marriage - We take a deep dive and look at the grieving process and the stages involved. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Forgiveness. The stages aren’t linear and there is no perfect timetable. We all move at different paces for sure.
Session 32: Learn How to Forgive - While forgiveness is certainly an action, there is also a huge mental health component to it. Forgiveness especially for the one holding the unforgiveness can lift an emotional burden that is being carried around. Forgiveness though is a process and it doesn’t mean you trust again but just that you work to open back the lines of communication and repair the disconnect.
Session 40: Introduction to Mindfulness
Session 41: Individual Mindfulness Exercise
Session 42: Couples Mindfulness Exercise –
- In these 3 episodes we take a break from the usual strategies and tips to take a breath for us individually and as a couple. Being mindful is the art of remaining in the present moment non-judgmentally. It can create peace, and calm and a more loving connection.
Session 56: Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner – This episode is all about getting in touch with your mental state when it comes to the connection between your past and your present. It is very common to be completely unaware that something that is happening in the present in your relationship feels worse than it really is because it is triggering a memory, a though, or an emotion that is connected to something that happened in your previous relationship.
Session 93: How to Reframe Your Mind Toward Your New Family – We talk in this episode about how our brains are somewhat wired to what is called a Negativity Bias. This means that we will tend to look more at the negative in situations. This really goes back to earlier times when are brains had to be alert for danger regarding say other animals. We developed a rapid flight or flight response. Unfortunately this can get activated very easily if we are not careful in simple conversations with our spouse.

Resources:

Links to The Episodes are Above

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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