The Remarried Life

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92: Top 10 Parenting Episodes from The Remarried Life May 28, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer takes a look back at parenting. The show has done many episodes on parenting and by far issues and questions about parenting in a blended family are the most often confusing and perplexing issues. We will talk about my favorite 10 episodes that we explored parenting. If you have not listened to these, I would encourage you to do that and if you already have listened, then listen again to those that you might still be struggling with. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In the The Remarried Life Facebook Group, I recently asked the question, “What do you struggle with the most in your blended family journey. And almost 100% of the answers centered around parenting. Whether it be different styles, difficulty in uniting with your partner, or different expectations, it is a topic that continues to baffle many people including me at times.
Over the life of this podcast, parenting is something we have taken a look at on many occasions and today I wanted to highlight those episodes that I think could be very helpful with whatever issue you might be dealing with when it comes to this exasperating topic.

Session 12: Four Parenting Styles – Which One Are You? - In this episode we talk about the Authoritative, Authoritarian, Neglectful, and Permissive parenting styles. They all revolve around answers to questions centered around closeness and rules. The best place to be is to say Yes to both closeness and rules or to Authoritative.
Session 17: Contracts to Motivate Stepchild Behavior - Sometimes motivation can come in the form of a written document in which parents and teens can both feel empowered to change what is going on.
Session 38: Parenting Through the Guilt of Divorce? - This is a very common issue in which many parents feel that they have already put their children through enough and so they will often take their foot off the gas when it comes to boundaries and discipline.
Session 52: New Stepdad Tips - Becoming a new stepdad is hard. It is hard to know how to step in discipline and to manage impatience and anger through the process.
Session 66: New Traditions for Kids in a Blended Family – We often think about traditions in nuclear biological families and that maybe in stepfamilies that we are somehow not allow to develop traditions of our own to give the family something they can be proud of when thinking about this new family. Listen to the out of the box ideas in this podcast episode.
Session 69: Anger and Making Decisions About the Kids – This emotion is a lot like the guilt we talked about in episode 38. Making decisions when you are angry rarely ever goes well. We talk about how this anger affects children and how to deal with your own anger in a productive and constructive manner by remaining calm, getting support and thinking about what would your kids says when they are adults.
Session 71: Purposeful Relationships with the Whole Family – This is another sort of outside the box episode where we talk creatively about how to engage the different personalities in the family. For example, starting a game night but rotating who leads. We talked about the appreciation wave at the dinner table, where each person stands and says something they appreciate about the person to their right.
Session 80: New Stepmom Tips – Being a stepmom is so tough. Juggling all the responsibilities can sometimes be too much. We will talk about practical ways to lighten the mental and emotional load.
Session 89: Who Comes First Your Spouse or Your Kids? – This is a tough subject because I will get lots of disagreements on this one, because often people will say that the kids are most important because they are mine biologically, or look at all they have been through, or you can fend for yourself because you are an adult. So not the right approach and we will talk about that on this episode.
Session 90: Signs Your Are an Insecure Parent – This is something lots of struggle with and sometimes it has to do with our past. Often if there was a perfectionist mentality for your growing up, then if things aren’t perfect you will look at them as failures. This can cause a great deal of anxiety so we will look at ways to cope better and make changes.

Hope you enjoyed this look back at all of the great information being a better stepparent.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

91: Be Different for 21 Days May 21, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the old cliché about doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So how about doing different things to expect different results should mean the wholeness and wellness. Today we will talk about some practical ways you can practice being different for one month to see if this changes your perspective, your partner’s actions and reactions. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you are doing the same old thing day after day in your relationship things can get downright stale and sometimes your relationship can even start to move in the wrong direction.
If this is happening do not despair, this is actually quite normal and the longer you are together with someone you will certainly see and feel some ebbs and flows in the your relationship and in your attitude and feelings toward it.
So we must be intentionally to make this relationship be all it can be unlike our previous relationships which may have gotten off the rails before we realized it was too late.
We are going to embark on an exciting 21 day challenge to help strengthen our relationships.
Why 21 days you ask? Science says it takes at least that long for a habit to actually take hold and form so that more permanent changes takes place. There is some disagreement based on what it is that you are changing in that it could take longer, but let’s start with 21 days.
This is going to be all about just doing small things, because it is the small things done consistently that can have a big impact.
Let’s talk about the different categories of things you can do to make a difference and some examples of things you can do.
Verbal Changes:
- More positivity
- Less negativity
- More compliments
- More appreciation
- Make requests more gently
- Be more supportive of your partner’s goals
- Something of Your Choice
Touching
- More hugs
- More kisses
- More hand holding
- Back Rubs
- Foot Massages
- Something of Your Choice
Acts of Kindness
- Do a Chore Normally Done by Your Partner
- Make your partner’s favorite meal
- Write a Love Note
- Clean Your Spouse’s Car (or have it done)
- Make Your Partner’s Lunch
- Something of Your Choice
Gifts
- Favorite Magazine
- Favorite Candy
- Coffee Gift Card
- Movie Tickets
- Something of Your Choice
So how should you go about organizing this next 21 days. I would encourage you to do it in one of two ways.
You could sort of clump each of the 4 categories, so for example do gifts for 4 days in a row, the verbal changes for 4 days in a row. Gifts for 5 days in a row, and Acts of Kindness for 4 days in a row. Of course you can do some other order.
You could do each one category one day, then the next category for one day and so on. Just basically wash rinse and repeat every 4 days.
So what to do if you are not getting the response you want? Keep doing it. This is our secret so keep pushing ahead for 21 days.
This won’t be as easy if you are not getting the appreciation for what you are doing, but if you are Christian like me then there is one who sees what you are doing and is well pleased. In fact here is what the Bible says about what you are doing, “"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' Matthew 25:23
One other thing you can do is post in the Facebook group regarding your intent to do this and how it is going, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Putting this out in the atmosphere for others to see can hold you accountable for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

90: Signs You Are An Insecure Parent May 14, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the the topic of insecurity especially with regard to being a parent of both biological children and stepchildren. The issue of insecurity can cause lots of problems for you, your spouse, your kids and the ex-spouses. We will talk about ways to recognize this and hopefully make some changes to be more secure. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Insecurity in my opinion is one of the biggest causes of instability and the rockiness that often invades a blended family. As if it were not tough enough to bring kids and families together after a divorce and new marriage, insecurity can often cause several steps backward and a step forward, the several steps backward again.
Often we think about being insecure as a function of our environment or what others are doing. But believe it or not that is not the actual definition. The definition of insecurity is “uncertainly or anxiety about oneself” or lack of confidence.”
If we think about being insecure as coming from within that can certainly be tough pill to swallow sometimes but it is typically more true than you know.
So let’s start with where these insecurities come from and again if you solely believe they are coming from your current spouse, the kids, or the ex-spouse, I hate to break it to you but this is probably not true.
If we look at 100 families in the exact same position as you are with the way in which the family dynamic works, the attitudes of the kids, and the attitudes of the ex-spouses, we would find different layers of insecurities present. Why is this? It is typically multi-faceted buts look at some possible reasons:
- Abandonment can cause childhood insecurities where you may have felt abandoned, either by a parent truly not being a present or one that neglected you.
- Perfectionism during childhood where you parents would push this and that if you weren’t perfect then maybe you were a failure. Again making you feel like you were not good enough.
- Past relationships in which you have been abused physically or emotionally can cause insecurities again potentially making you feel like you don’t measure up.
When you feel slighted by a decision or something that is done to make you feel unstable, you will know you are insecure if your inner critic asks the question, “Why are they doing to this me” rather than “Why are they doing this?” If you are thinking about yourself and what you think is being done to you it might be a sign that you are insecure. If you are able to think about why someone else is doing something and what it is about them that might be a problem, it could signal that you are more secure about yourself.
Here are some other ways to combat insecurity:
- Talk to your spouse about the issues and get to know how everyone operates in the family and this would include the ex-spouse. Have an open mind about these things and in this way in can reduce you feeling “slighted.”
- Are you doing enough for yourself or in other words do you have your own life outside the life you lead as a parent and stepparent. This can help give you a balance and can help increase your self confidence in difficult situations.
- Focus on others more than yourself. Get curious about why others are doing what they are doing. Come up with several reasons as to why you think a child might be more loving toward a step parent than you. It might be something you are perceiving that is not true. Maybe they are just trying to make you jealous. Again many of these potential reasons really have nothing to do with you often times but are more a function of what is going on inside the child.
- Realize the perfectionism you have within yourself may not be completely attainable by others. You potentially have set the bar so high that others will have difficulty reaching it. So reducing the bar others have to cross can sometimes be helpful so that you do not let yourself down.
- What would you say to a friend in similar situation who is feeling insecure? Most likely you would not tell them to continue to beat themselves up because of what others are doing or not doing. You would tell them to be gentle on themselves because after all there are lots of moving parts and lots of people that you cannot fully control. And taking the blame for everything not working right is not productive.
- Sometimes seeking out professional counseling for you as an individual can be extremely helpful. I know for me as a professional counselor, I can typically spot immediately those who have been through counseling before. They are very insightful and have a great awareness of themselves.
Feeling insecure however is completely human especially when you find yourself in a blended family situation and are trying to parent children who are not biologically yours. However just remember that most all members of this new family probably have insecurities as well.

Resources:

Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner – Session 56.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

89: Who Comes First, Your Spouse or Your Kids May 07, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the very common issue of putting your kids before your spouse in a blended family remarriage. Sometimes this is done very consciously and directly and other times it is done subconsciously and indirectly. I cannot express any more clearly that we need to place our spouse above our children. Looking forward to talking about this issue today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In a blended family it is often easy to put your children first. After they are your blood and your spouse is not. Sometimes people do this very intentionally and clearly as I will occasionally hear this in my counseling practice. Often though it is done unintentionally through the following:
- Parenting from a place of guilt which often means not being united in parenting decisions with your spouse.
- Not discussing decisions you make with your ex-spouse about the kids with your current spouse.
- Not following through on decisions that you have agreed upon with your spouse about the children.
Sometimes I will hear one partner state that their spouse will never take a place above the children. They will use the analogy of a burning building and that if they choice was to save the kids or their spouse, they would save the kids everytime. Usually when they say this they will often talk about how kids can’t fend for themselves and I certainly get that. But when we dig deeper it is usually an attitude that pervades more than just this unlikely scenario.
If I am honest, I indirectly put the children before my spouse in both my first marriage and second marriage.
- In my first marriage, I put doing things between the 4 of us (my spouse and I and the 2 kids) ahead of making a priority the time between the two of us. I often thought that this is just how life was supposed to work while the kids were younger
- In my second and current marriage, I would often not be a united front with my spouse regarding the care and parenting of my daughter
In my life and maybe your when you do these things, you really do communicate that your spouse is not the priority. The kids are. Most parenting and child experts will tell you that this is not healthy for kids
Kids need to see united parenting, parents who are affectionate with each other and parents who make time for each other outside of the kids. Now of course the younger your children are the harder that this will be but here are some strategies for this.
- Couch Time - Design a small amount of time while the kids are awake that you say this is our time and that it cannot be interfered with by the children. It can be done in the open say on the couch if the kids are too young for you to feel comfortable going in another room to talk. If the kids keep interrupting just keep stating that this your time. The younger the kids are the more you might need to do this.
- Date Night – Schedule regular time outside of the children. If you are low on money and can’t afford babysitter then plan a date night in your home after the kids go to bed. Set up a picnic, play cards or a board game or just talk.
- Compromise on the Issues – Nothing will say to your spouse more that they are most important than if you are willing to compromise and give a little on issues regarding the children
- Do What You Say You Will Do – If you say you are going to discipline in a certain way then follow up with what you tell your spouse. If you want to go outside of what you discussed, then talk it over first with your spouse
- Be A United Front – Discuss situations before you take actions and be sure to discuss what if scenarios with each other to again make sure you are on the same page.
Remember the children will only be there for a time, but hopefully your spouse will last a lifetime.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

88: Make Everyday Count in Your Blended Family Apr 30, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about making everyday count in your remarriage and your blended family because we don’t know how long we have on this earth. It is easy to take things for granted and have the daily grind of life take over. But we often should take a breath and remember what is important and that is the adults and children in our lives. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today is a very somber day because my stepbrother passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Emotions are all over the place as you can imagine, and because he is my stepbrother it made me think about blended families in general and how we need to not take what is happening for granted.
In a blended family there is surely lots of good times and what feels like lots of bad times for sure. When it all gets overwhelming and we don’t know how to parent the different children and how to handle the different relationships be it biological or step, sometimes we just want to run.
But again and some of you may have experienced the loss of a child, as I know people that have. I can’t even imagine that pain. But imagine the pain multiplied if the relationship with that child is not where you want it.
As we know it takes two to make a relationship work, so you might be doing all you can to connect with your stepchild and it just isn’t working. I get it, as I have been there. In my previous marriage, my stepson did not necessarily enjoy what I enjoyed. He also had some what we now know as ADHD, but back then I just assumed it was laziness. While he is still alive and well that is from my first marriage that ended in divorce and so there was certainly some regret about my impatience with him.
While we all assume we should be given 70, 80, 90 years or more on this earth that fact is that this is not guaranteed. Even the Bible references the shortness of our time on Earth compared with the eternity in Heaven if we choose to accept that here. Here are some passages about that to think about:
- Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. James 4:14
- “O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Psalm 39:4
- For “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.” And this word is the good news that was preached to you. 1 Peter 1:24-25
So what should you do today with your family? Here are a few ideas many of which come from a great speech by Jim Valvano former basketball coach of the North Carolina State team that won the National Championship in 1983. He died of cancer about a decade later.
- Laugh Together
- Think Together
- Cry Together
- Pray Together (I added this one)
The key though with all of these is to do this together. Do some on your own but involve everyone in your family because you simply just do not know how long you have my friends.
Make sure you take care of each other.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

87: The Most Powerful Human Connectors Apr 23, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the most powerful ways that humans can connect. This is so very important in a remarriage because often we got these wrong before and if we can get them right this time, this next relationship just might last a lifetime. Things like empathy and vulnerability can go a long way in bridging a chasm that can sometimes develop between couples and in families. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Before we start, I want to make sure you and your partner both listen to this episode, whether together at the same time or separately doesn’t matter. It matters that you both not only are hearers of this episode but doers in a mental mindset shift.
According to a large group of fellow couples therapists that I know, I asked them to tell me in one word what the most impactful human connector is. They gave me so many great answers and we are going to talk about 10 of those today.
If your make these 10 a part of your lives as a couple, it can move your relationship to something so much more special than even you could have imagined when you started. Here they are:
Vulnerability is exposing yourself in such as way as to be capable of being wounded or hurt or opening yourself up to attack or criticism.
Transparency means being open and candid or being easily seen through.
Curiosity means being eager to learn.
Authenticity means being real or true to oneself
Empathy means identifying with or experiencing vicariously the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”
Acceptance means taking or receiving something just the way it is.
Compassion means feeling deep sorrow and also combined with a strong desire to lessen the suffering.
Mirroring means subconsciously imitating the attitudes of another. This one has a fine line in which great connection can occur or mocking can be felt depending on the genuineness of it.
Kindness means mild, gentle, helpful
Suffering means to undergo pain or distress and this one is a connector obviously when either one or both in the couple are undergoing stress from outside the relationship such as with a sickness or financial crisis.
We. The dictionary definition of this one because it says it is the “plural of I.” I love this because it means while you still maintain the I, there is a togetherness in this word.
In my opinion, relationships while they can be healthy and or restored if necessary by doing things like date nights and other quality time activities, there is something so much more powerful to these words that if you can apply them to your daily life in your relationship and family that it help a great deal to give you the marriage of your dreams.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

86: Encouragement about Second Chances Apr 16, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about getting that second chance at marriage and family while exciting can also be very daunting. Today we will give you encouragement as you proceed on this journey of trying again. After all we are imperfect human beings and we need to know that getting another chance is what life is all about. We will talk about some of my favorite quotes and stories when it comes to second chances. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is born out of watching the Virginia Cavaliers college basketball team win the Division 1 National Championship a year after losing in the first round. They not only lost in the first round last year but they did so by being the top rated team in the tournament and losing to one of the last teams to make it in. Then if that were not enough they lost by 20 points! A year later they overcame the pressure and adversity to win it all.
Life, Divorce, and Remarriage often can feel like this. Whether or not you have reached the pinnacle like Virginia did or not, we all need some words of encouragement. Sometimes you may not feel like you reached the pinnacle and can breath until the kids are grown and gone but in the meantime hopefully today’s episode gives your strength.
Lets talk about 10 words of encouragement that have kept me going through this long and difficult process.
- "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Teddy Roosevelt
- “If you are still breathing, you have a second chance.” Oprha Winfrey
- “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat: F Scott Fitzgerald
- “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” Maya Angelou
- “Having a second chance makes you want to work even harder.” Tia Mowry
- Probably the greatest words we can find on second chances can be found in the Bible and one of my favorites in Psalms 103:12: “As far as the east is from the west- that is how far he has removed our rebellious acts from himself.”
- I’ll finish by talking about one of the greatest second chances and comeback stories I know and this involves a friend of mine. He admits to many that he knows that when he was married the first time that he had problems with alcohol and that he was not paying the best and most attention to his wife. However, after he gave up alcohol, he got a second chance at love with a lovely woman who forgave the things he did in his past. That woman was none other than the women whom he divorced years later. The story fortunately and unfortunately does not stop there, but he was involved a terrible car accident in the past 6 months and at least one of his legs was potentially going to have to be amputated. But not only does his leg not need to be removed but he is gaining much feeling back. So wow talk about an amazing redemption story in more ways than one!
I hope this has encouraged you to keep pushing forward no matter what. Don’t give up in doing your part to give yourself the best life possible in spite of past circumstances.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

85: Making Remarriage Last With the 5 Ps Apr 09, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks how easy it is to get into the same rut with that next marriage. We have all been there and thought wow here we go again and we say “I guess this one isn’t going to work either.” Let’s talk today about how to make this remarriage last until well forever. We will discuss the 5 P’s or Perseverance, Patience, Person, Presence, and Present. Don’t just listen but begin implementing these today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We speak often on this podcast about how the divorce rate for each subsequent marriage gets higher and higher. The purpose of this podcast is to help you beat these odds and so that we can reduce this rate one couple at a time. So this is all great in theory but lets get down to business and talk about the ways we can achieve this.
We are going to talk about the 5 ways we can achieve a love and family that is built to last a lifetime. In order to make this easier to remember, they all start with the letter “P”
Patience is probably the foundational piece of the puzzle when it comes to going the distance. I ran my first marathon a couple of years ago and for sure the training was long and there were many ups and downs. In fact it took 6 months of training to run the 4 hour race. A remarriage is quite similar. You are going to be fighting against all sorts of issues with your spouse, your children, your stepchildren, the exes, the parents, and the list goes on. Short of abuse and infidelity, get pushing. Stay in this thing. There were times I wanted to give up for sure, but did not and now I am on the other side reaping the rewards.
Person is a strange word, but the idea here is get to know the quirks and differences of every person in your new family. If you know one child likes putting puzzles together, then spend some time with them doing this. If they like going outside to play ball, then do this with them. Now I am not saying you need to be a friend and be at your child’s beck and call, but pick some times where you might do this.
Presence – Just being there is very important. If you travel a lot or work long hours this is going to be very tough, but try find time to spend with your spouse and with each child. Be creative if you are away. Maybe do an online call where at least your face is seen by the family as just a check in. Try to do this at least once a day again if you are working late or are away. Don’t make the entire time talking about homework and the rules, but spend time encouraging each child regarding the things they are doing in school and with extra curriculars.
Present – This has all to do with being mentally there with your family. Sometimes if you have big projects going on at work, you might have a difficult time turning that off. It is amazing how many people mentally we invite into activities that aren’t really there. I have an amazing mini-series on implementing mindfulness into your life and relationship. The links are below in resources.
Perseverance – this is where we come full circle from where we started. Patience and Perseverance kind of goes hand in hand but each are a bit different. The dictionary definition for patience is “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” The definition for perserverance is “persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.” As you can see this one is much more proactive whereas patience is more about being reactive or actually.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

84: Are Money Differences Caused by Your Values? Apr 02, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks money as he digs a bit deeper to discover what drives differences in this area for partners. Usually money is more than just making a budget together. Money differences can stem from childhood issues and your core values regarding what money means. We will explore this on today’s episode and what you can do to help feel better about some of these differences. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We often hear that money is the one issue that drives more couples apart than any other. This is true to some degree but in general there is more to it than just the money.
We often think that it might simply be an issue of having too many bills and not enough money or maybe one of you spends more than the other. While these are certainly issues that are important often it is something deeper.
Here are some of the issues surrounding money that you may or may not have thought about that could be causing an issue. It is important to have a discussion around these issues.
- What were the money issues like for you growing up? And what do you remember growing up? Was money tight or were there no issues about getting bills paid? Were you given extras or only the necessities? Depending on what your family had growing up will certainly drive how you feel now about money.
- Did your parents mostly agree about money issues or did you notice a lot of tension and disagreements around money? This can sometimes either cause you to look for things you disagree about with you spouse or can make it hard for each of you to compromise.
- What are your core values surrounding money. Does money mean things like status, security, enjoyment, or control? There is a neat exercise in the Prepare Enrich Couples workbook on Page 16 that you can answer questions to discover what your value about money is. Take it and encourage your partner to take it as well and have a discuss about this to discover each of your values around money. My wife and I differ just a bit on this piece. I probably equally look at money as some status and security where my wife looks at it more as security.
- Do you each have similar or different goals for money? This can cause issues. My wife and I are generally similar in this area when it comes to what kind of house we want to live in, what kind of food we want, what kind of transportation, what kinds of vacations, our view on credit cards, among other issues. The Prepare Enrich Workbook on Page 18 has a great exercise on this to try as well with each other.
- What would you do with a large amount of money that came in immediately. I like to ask couples the question, what would you do if I handed you $50,000 right now. It is interesting to know whether people would pay off bills, go on vacation or make other purchases, make repairs on a home, invest, or put it under the mattress. Of course there are probably other ways to spend but you get the idea. This is an interesting conversation that you can have with each other.
Ultimately communication is typically the best way to overcome money issues with each other. Do it with an air of patience and curiosity. Remember the initial discussions are centered around exploring and not problem solving. When you get into problem solving too soon it usually does not go well because you don’t feel heard yet and neither does your partner.

Resources:

Prepare Enrich Couples Workbook

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83: The History of Divorce Mar 26, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the history of divorce. We often think that it is a recent thing but really it has been around for awhile, although it has changed over the centuries, decades and years. Divorce as we all know has had a major impact on many lives and we will explore all that and more today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Divorce has been around for awhile and in fact the first recorded divorce in America occurred in 1643. The male was accused of abandoning his wife for another woman. He ultimately admitted this to be the case. Although it is unclear what happened, apparently he suffered some sort of punishment for what he did.
If we think about England being one of the most dominant cultures in history they really did not have divorce before 1700. However in 1857, they instituted what they called the Matrimonial Causes Act and a special court was implemented to deal with divorce.
So even though in history there were cases of divorce, it is really a recent phenomenon. What does the Bible say about divorce. Generally speaking God will allow divorce only in situation where there is sexual immorality – i.e. adultery or abandonment. Now the Bible does not explicitly state abuse as a reason, but it can be implied that this is not acceptable and that one should flee from this situation. Jesus talks about this in regard to fleeing from persecution in Matthew 10:23: “When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another.”
Let’s fast forward a bit and talk about the change in divorce in the 20th Century (the 1900’s) especially in the United States.
1900s: You had to prove you significant other had done one of those three things we mentioned earlier in the Bible – adultery, abandonment, or abuse.
1910s: WWI was raging and while divorce was happening it was women who were blamed for this for the most part. The decade was the precursor to the 1920’s where women began to fully come out from the curtain so to speak to stand up for themselves.
1920s: This was probably the first so called sexual revolution in the U.S. where women began to assert themselves more and rather than again stand behind the man they began to speak out. Think about the right to vote they obtained during this time. Interestingly something called Trial Marriages were established at this time where couples could try out living together without getting married.
1930s: The Great Depression in the U.S. was happening at this time. This had a serious impact on both marriages and divorces as they both slowed due to the economic hardships that were created during this time. At this time one still had to prove that their spouse did something seriously wrong in order to be granted a divorce.
1940s: World War II was in full swing and men were away fighting the war while women cared for an entire household and in many cases went to work to support the war effort. Marriages increased before the start of the war, but divorce spiked after the war when the men came home and invariable life changed. While still having to prove a significant misdeed to obtain a divorce, the courts began to relax the standards.
1950s: The divorce rate declined during this time. Culture showed the happy All American family through shows like “Leave it to Beaver.” Family courts were established during this time which solely focused on matters like divorce rather than going through the regular courts. There was still an awful stain during this time as women were still found largely to blame for why marriages were not working.
1960s: This was the second sexual revolution in which divorce increased. Places around the country popped up to help people get divorces quickly especially if you did not want to go through proving one of the egregious issues like affairs, abandonment, or abuse.
1970s: No fault divorce laws came into existence. This opened the floodgates of divorce in America. This eliminated the necessity to file for divorce stating one of the big issues we mentioned earlier. Divorce was at an all-time high here whereas about 50% of marriage ended in divorce.
1980s: The No fault laws continued to be refined during this time. And in many states timeframes were implemented for separation before divorce. Also child support laws became more defined.
1990s: Mediation was the name of the game during this decade in which there was a push to seek amicable ends to marriage. Prenuptial type agreements especially those that spelled out the amicable divorce also became popular.
2000s: Something called the Collaborative Process took off here where the couple and their attorneys would all meet together to work together on an amicable dissolving of the marriage. The goal here was to avoid court.
2010s: Divorce rates and marriage rates are now declining in part by the millennial generation just not being as interested in marriage. Many of this generation say they don’t want the government involved nor feel like they need a piece of paper to show their love. Indeed times are changing and will continue to change.
As we know the Bible does not change it’s stance, but culture sure does and as we have walked through this today we can see that it changes decade by decade and often year by year.
If you are divorced and remarried hopefully today’s message was helpful to you to understand how much things have been loosened legally but that will still have an opportunity to make this next marriage the best it can be and to not give up on it unless we are abandoned or abused for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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