The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

72: How Humor Can Make Your Remarriage Better Jan 08, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how humor can help you remarriage and you. It had been long documented about how much humor helps people’s physical, emotional, mental, and relationship wellbeing. We will talk today about humor and the benefits it can have to help your remarriage be all that it can be. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Divorce, remarriage, and blended families can certainly be serious business. In fact sometimes it can downright depression. With all the difficulty in raising your own kids, the stepkids and dealing with a second, third, or fourth marriage it can be taxing on your mental and physical body.
Humor brings people together and has for a long time. While jokes and things you find humorous are great, then interaction between people regarding humor is really where the fun in that lies. For example, earlier today I saw a video of NFL players and funny touchdown celebrations. The funniest one I saw involved one player rolling a football as if it were a bowling ball and he “knocked” over several humans acting as bowling pins. While this was extremely funny, my first thought was wow I would love to share this with my wife. When I did share it I felt humor and funny in it increase for me.
Let’s talk about the benefits of humor:
- Humor let’s us escape the difficulties of life if only for a moment
- Humor is a defense mechanism to help protect us from the seriousness of life. Of course with all defense mechanisms, they can be good when used in moderation.
- It is good for your physiology. It can help relax muscle tension and can increase the immune system.
- During conflict humor can help reduce pulse, blood pressure, and stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Too many times that these stress hormones run wild in your body, can have detrimental impacts on your body.
- Humor can bring families together. Think about something funny said at the dinner table and how lot’s of times the entire family will laugh. This can create memories that last a lifetime.
- Humor when used by couples can help bring humanity back to each other. A lot of times when conflict is raging one or both of you can feel like the is a big inequality in your arguments where it becomes a chess match when one of you gets or feels like has the upperhand. Humor humbles us.
- The more happy and giddy and joking a couple is regarding their past generally means they have a good base for which with to get through current issues in life.
All this being said, means you should work to humor into your relationship with your partner and all of the kids.
Don’t be so hard on others in the family when they might be using humor as a way to protect themselves or as a way to connect.

Remember what the Bible says about humor. “There is a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance” Ecclesiastes 3:4.
Use humor wisely in your relationship.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

71: Purposeful Relationships with the Whole Family Jan 01, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how we can get caught up in a very common negative atmosphere of a stepfamily. You might be riding the wave of this negativity but maybe it is time to stop surfing the wave and purpose to make changes. It’s hard to be a leader when the troops don’t follow though for sure. We will give you some helpful tips on this area. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

With the turning of the new year, now is a great time to really think about those relationships you have with your spouse, the kids and the stepkids. We can often get caught up in life and taken things for granted so let’s take a bit to talk through how to be more purposeful with your relationships.
Ever heard the bible verse, “If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This can be found in Romans 12:18. The key part of this is that as much as depends on you because we often know that you might do you part and still not get anywhere with the rest of the family.
My wife Heather has admitted she has often found that difficult, but she would say (and rightly so) that if my love and effort are not going to be reciprocated then what’s the point. She would come back to say something like well I am the adult and it is more so on me. Still hard though.
I also love this Teddy Roosevelt quote, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." This quote means that you should keep pushing because what you might be doing is certainly valid and good in spite of the reactions you are getting.
So now that you are inspired to do something different, what types of things should you do to help change the atmosphere in the family?
Here are some ideas:
- Start a Game Night and rotate who gets to choose what game to play. Also as an added bonus, allow the person that gets to choose the game to have the power to change one rule. The rule will then be called by their name. Of course make sure the rule change is clear prior to playing the game.
- Develop a State of the Union meeting that you can have individually with your spouse and then with each child. Depending on the size of your family, it might only be 15 minutes each. Make the meeting as informal and least scary as possible by doing the following:
- - Have a small snack
  - Sit side by side
  - Ask Questions like, “How has your last week been” or “What would you like to see differently in our family”
- At the dinner table, start what I call an “Appreciation Wave.” Have each person stand and say something they appreciate about the person sitting to their right (ask them to be specific, so if they say they appreciate their brother being “nice” make sure they give something specific that shows how they were being nice). Once they complete the appreciation, the next person can stand and state an appreciation about the person on their right. Of course make sure to switch up the seating or switch up which direction etc to give it a different feel every night.
- What are some things you have been thinking about doing? What would you like to implement in your own family? What is holding you back? Is it comments or attitudes by the others in the family. If you truly believe that what you want to do will bring the family together, then do it! You can change and tweak as you go.
Ever heard of the Minimum Viable Product in the business world. This a product that has just enough to satisfy some early customers but through time and feedback can continually be made better. Probably things like the smart phones and the continual different iterations that they go through is an example of this product maybe being minimally viable but continually having bells and whistles added.
Don’t be afraid to take a chance and implement something today. Often times the silliest and craziest ideas turn out to be the best ones. So make sure that this coming year is intentional and purposeful.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

70: Dropping Off and Picking Up the Kids Dec 25, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the transition from one parents home to the other can sometimes be difficult for all involved. We will talk about those difficulties and we will brainstorm some ways to do it better so that kids don’t take on the stress of the divorce or separation that the two of you are going through. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The transitions that kids (and you) go through when dropping them off and picking them up from the ex-spouse can be some of the most difficult times. It makes it harder when your kids are younger, because one is that you all have more time to have to deal with this transition issue and secondly you have to take more care and interact more with an ex-spouse if the kids are younger.
The transition can certainly be a painful experience for everyone involved. In some ways if things don’t go well, it can feel like a nightmare that plays itself over and over again every week or every couple of weeks. And of course you multiply that by two because you have to both drop off and pick up.
There are even situations where the transition is drawn up in the courts, but one or both of you stray from that. It may not be much of a problem if both of you are on the same page when it comes to these transitions. Often this is not the case.
So there is lots of things to consider when it comes to this, but what we will focus on today is how to make it better for the children. Hope to help you cope with your ex-spouse will come iDrn a later episode.
There are of things you can do to help the children, but I found an article on this subject to be so on target that I wanted to share the items. It is an article on the website called verywellfamily.com that was written by Jennifer Wolf. I will add a link to the show notes in the resource section so you can check it out.
Here are some of her suggestions to help kids with the transitions:
- Develop a plan with your ex-spouse up front
- Communicate with the Children Before
- Give the Children Choices regarding what to bring
- Ask them What they Might be Looking Forward To
- Discuss Communication Option While Away (get agreement from an ex-spouse)
- Develop a Goodbye and Hello Ritual that becomes something they can count on
- Set Aside Your Own Anger and Anxieties
Just remember as much as you hurt or are angered over the situation do your best to keep this to yourself. These anxieties and hurts will certainly rub off on your children.

Resources:

Making Custody Transitions Easier For Your Children: https://www.verywellfamily.com/make-custody-transitions-easier-on-your-kids-4123658

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

69: Anger and Making Decisions about the Kids Dec 18, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how common it is for anger to play a role in making decision regarding how to share kids time with your ex-spouse. We will take some time to talk through this issue on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

What are the basic human emotions? Most people would say Fear, Anger, Happiness, Sadness are among the most common. All of these emotions can certainly drive us to do different things for sure.
Today we are going to focus Anger and the impact it can have on making decisions about the kids especially in regarding to how to share the parenting.
The interesting about anger is that it is generally considered a secondary emotion. What does this mean exactly? It means that another emotion is most likely at the root of what is really going on. Often anger boils to the surface, but what really might be going on below is embarrassment, feeling disrespected, depression, anxiousness, worry, insecurity, grief, or frustration.
I have to tell you that no doubt in my own experience anger came out when it was really hurt, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety among probably many other emotions.
The main issue with these primary emotions is that we must be able to vocalize them appropriately and in addition be heard and understood by another human being namely our ex-spouse. The problem that happens most often is that we generally either are not heard and understood or perceive that we are not. As a result emotions boil out in anger.
Most often nothing productive comes from anger. Now to be fair, feeling angry and behaving angrily are two separate things. You are more than correct to feel angry sometimes, but angry behaviors such as screaming, slamming doors, and throwing things is of course never productive.
So again while the emotion of anger is acceptable it is still good to get at the root of what may be going on for you underneath that root.
Have you ever made a decision to withhold a child’s time with the other parent, change the agreed upon time, or have an unhealthy exchange because of anger? You might be saying no but my ex-spouse always does. I definitely wanted to start with you because there are certainly cases where this might be you and that is of course much easier to deal with than the ex-spouse’s anger.
Let’s turn our focus toward the children. Is anger and the show of anger good for kids? I think we can all agree that when children see their parents spewing venom it is never a good thing.
Here are some ways that anger is shown toward children inappropriately:
- Arguing in front of the children
- Talking bad or down about the other child’s parent to the child
- Telling the children that the other spouse has abandoned you and the kids. This one could be true in some instances, but sometimes it is a perception.
How Does it Affect Children?
- They can resent one or both parents which is not healthy. Sometimes this causes artificial emotions walls to be built by children as a form of protection
- Sometimes children will show anger toward other children as a way of releasing what they are absorbing at home
- Anger can cause depression and anxiety in children because they will often believe that they are the cause of the anger issues
How Can you Deal with your own Anger or the Anger of Your Ex-Spouse
- Remain Calm. This one is easier said than done. Remember you will often go into fight, flight or freeze mode when you get upset. Start recognizing this more and learn to breathe.
- Get Support. Make sure your current spouse and you are united and on the same team. This can help make you feel like you are not alone. If you are not married, then friends and family are important.
- Think about your children as Adults. Imagine asking them this question, “How did the way in which I interacted with your mom/dad affect you?” Hopefully you would be able to connect unhealthy interactions with unhealthy outcomes for the children for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

68: What Does the Bible Say About Divorce and Remarriage Dec 11, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about what the Bible says about Divorce and Remarriage. There is much debate on what Christians believe is appropriate about these two issues. We will take some time to sort these issues out on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When it comes to Divorce and Remarriage and the Bible there are lots of thoughts about this issue. I will certainly give my own interpretation and maybe some will disagree.
There are certainly reasons that God’s word says that divorce is acceptable. Let’s talk about what the Bible says about when it is acceptable.
One issue that it becomes acceptable is found in Matthew 19:9 which says “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." This basically means that if adultery happens then it is acceptable. However Jesus is a God of second chances and that he does promote reconciliation. So that is what he would prefer if possible.
Abandonment by a spouse is another reason for the acceptable divorce. According to the Bible, I Corinthians 7:15 say that “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
Of course these are what I will call escape clauses and if you feel the need to use them or have used them then you are in the clear so to speak.
However I also believe that God is a one of second chances. So if you have decided that a divorce was needed due to other reasons, that God is a forgiving God. Matthew 6: 14-15 says “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” This means that even if your spouse has done something to warrant a divorce, that if you can forgive them for this, that he will also forgive you.
Ultimately because Jesus was sent to earth and died for our sins, that ultimately we will be forgiven for what we have done. And if we can forgive our spouse for what they have done that we will can more forward it whatever path we chose to.
Remember that some reasons for divorce are acceptable but that ultimately reconciliation and forgiveness is even more important.
Overall here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to your feelings of divorce and remarriage
- When reading the word of God, do not take specific passages in isolation but think about the Bible as a whole. A lot of times we will pick passages that fit our line of thinking but we don’t look at things in context.
- When others give you their perspective according to the what they believe the Bible says, go check it out for yourself. I would even say this about things you hear from your pastors or other theologians.
- Pray about it and then do a lot of listening to God. Often we talk, talk, talk to God and give him a laundry list of items that we need or want rather than just listening to what he says about divorce and remarriage.
- Finally remember that our God is a God of Second Chances. Jesus said so often that while he did not come to abolish the law, that he came to fulfill it. What does this mean? It means that while those laws are still there and that we should do our best to follow and obey them, that when we do not that we have a Saviour in Jesus that will forgive us. As a result we do not have to go backward, or do several things to attone for what happened.
- Take care and know that you are forgiven for what happened.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

67: Nothing is Working, Now What? Dec 04, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how you are in this remarriage and blended family situation and no matter what you say or do, you feel like nothing works. What does this mean? How do you handle this? How should you move forward? We will tackle all this and more on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Remarriage and Blended Family situations are among the most tough situations you will ever face in life. This is not like hammering a nail into a piece of wood, cleaning dirty dishes, or putting a bandage on a paper cut. This is much more complicated than that and it is more complicated because it involves lots of people of all ages with different feelings, motivations, and agendas.
Remember the Rubik’s cube? The 6 sided cube with 9 little squares of each side of different colors. The object was to get every side to be uniform with it’s own color. This was something I could never figure out and despite my best efforts was consistently foiled in my attempts to succeed at this puzzle. I got my first cube back in the 1980’s and unfortunately I have to say that decades later I have never been successful in solving it.
The same can be said for lots of us when it comes to blended families. You may never feel like you have fully solved this puzzle. This can be so extremely defeating that you could in fact feel like giving up. No matter what you say, what you do, what you try you feel like nothing works.
You have listened to all my podcast episodes, you’ve listened to other podcast episodes, you have read books, you’ve reached out to others in similar situations, you’ve prayed and you see that it is not changing.
So what do you do now? I am going to offer you some suggestions and these suggestions are more about taking care of yourself through this situation. Today is not about giving more advice on what to do differently or what to “try” to do to get others and the situation to change.
Here again is what I want you to do today:
- Know that you are completely normal for what you are going through. As I have mentioned, research says that it can take 5-7 years for a blended family to begin operating closely to what a nuclear biological type family would operate and then there are a large percentage that may never get to this. Is this because anyone is doing something wrong? Often times the answer is “No.”
- Breathe and rest easy (easy for me to say I know!) knowing you giving it your best shot as a biological parent and as a step parent. You know what to do and yes while you might have differences of opinions with your spouse and the kids regarding what is right, just know that what you think and feel are very valid.
- Pray. This one is tough because you might say look I pray all the time every day and things just don’t change. I cannot deny that this is probably true. What I would say is change how and what you pray about. Make your prayers to God one in which you are focusing on the time spent with Him and that you are simply looking to get closer to Him and not that you are focused on a laundry list of needs or wants. Just think about a friend you might go visit. If your visits were all about what you needed and nothing else, pretty soon your friend might not be so accommodating and possibly feeling like the relationship is one sided.
- Positive Self Talk. Pay more attention to the conversations you are having with yourself in your mind. If you are like me, you will often discover that you might be beating yourself up. You might focus more on the things you are doing wrong versus the things you are doing right. Or maybe you are personalizing those negative things you’ve done to define your character or who you are. The things that have resulted or things you have done do not define your character.
- Take care of yourself. Go do something on your own or maybe buy yourself something. Of course be careful and don’t try to find happiness in other things, but from time to time we all need breaks and to do things for ourselves. You definitely deserve it for all that you have been through in trying to hold this blended family thing together. Maybe a flavored coffee or a massage might be in order for today!
Is this going to solve everything? Of course not. But that is not the goal here with what we are talking about. It is more about taking care of yourself through some of the pain and difficulty of being married to a second, third, or spouse beyond and trying to raise kids from different backgrounds and situations.
The goal today is to be a bit selfish. Not in a mean and demeaning way to the rest of the family, but it is more about being kind to yourself.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

66: New Traditions for Kids in a Blended Family Nov 27, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how kids come to know they and their family are special by the small traditions that are developed over time. Often in a new stepfamily, new traditions are either sometimes not developed or they are met with criticism by the child. We will talk today about that difficulty and what to do about it. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When we get older we often think back to the special little moments in our lives growing up. The moments that are often the most special are the ones that are repeated often. In addition they are often the ones that are the simplest.
What are traditions? The dictionary describes it as “the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation.” When you put it that way we can now see the importance of this issue in families.
There is a problem with traditions though when the nuclear family gets dissolved through divorce. Often these traditions are either stopped completely, or continue different sometimes through one parent only. This can be very disruptive to children for sure. Especially when the traditions are changed it can even create some animosity toward the parent not involved in the tradition any longer and even worse the new parent that comes into the new situation.
Developing new traditions are important. Unfortunately we as stepparents will often not engage in anything new or stop something when we meet resistance from the child. There is no doubt this is difficult and we can often justify shutting something down, but we should try to push through this resistance.
I have some fond memories of small traditions that were built by my parents after the divorce I went through as a child. For one my father often when he picked me up on Fridays to go to his house for the weekend, would do something special that I still remember to this day. Back then, packs of Star Wars or Baseball cards were something like 25 cents a pack. He would buy me 4 at a time, and I think he may have given me the dollar to pay for the cards with the clerk. I remember spending lots of time looking through the cards, sorting them, reading through the information and especially learning the baseball statistics on the back.
Some parents might say this is spoiling a child in that they come to expect something everytime something happens. However, as in the example above it does not have to be anything that extravagant. In fact it doesn’t necessarily have to be anything that really costs money or something that is a material good.
I remember another tradition that involved Christmas and this one was with my Dad and Stepmom as well. Around Christmas time after the Christmas tree was put up, decorated and lit up, my stepbrothers and I would ask to sleep out in front of it for at least one night during the Christmas season. It was such a joy to wake up in the middle of the night to see the warm glow of lights. Forty years later this is still such a special memory. In fact this was one that I carried on with my own daughter as she grew up.
What kind of traditions are you building in your stepfamily? Is there a fear in starting something? Have you started something only to have it be met with lots of criticism. If it helps, I grew up as I have said in the homes of divorced parents and to be sure I am sure I verbally criticized and mentally critized lots of things that were done in both families. However looking back those things I criticized were actually things I grew to love and appreciate as I got older.
Ever heard the verse Proverbs 22:6 which says “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” You can of course apply this to lots of things like discipline but I think you can also apply it to traditions. The key part of this verse is “when he is old.” This means that it is possible and probably liking that your child will reject what you are doing for a time but eventually they will come back to it and do this with their own children. So again the message is do something for your stepkids in light of a longer term view.
Here are some ideas for traditions:
- Develop something around leaving and coming back together such as the cards idea. I always remember having waffles as the morning breakfast when I would leave my father’s house on Monday mornings. Develop something for the kids that they can come to expect and enjoy during this transition time.
- Around the dinner table, ask everyone to talk about 3 things – what is something that happened that day, what is one thing they fear coming up, and what is one thing they are looking forward to. This will help them know that you are encouraging and listening and not just their to correct and discipline.
- One day a week allow your child to wear clothes that don’t match. This will be tough for those of you that are somewhat obsessive compulsive and have some anxiety about the desire to control how the kids are viewed. To be sure some people will wonder what is going on, but you can tell your kids to let people know that one day a week they can decide. Of course when kids get older they will begin to make their own choices but this will help the younger kids.
- For the older kids especially the ones that can drive, maybe allowing them to drive the family to dinner out every Friday night could be something fun that they will always remember.
These are just a few examples of some traditions. Take these ideas and morph them into your own or maybe go in a completely different direction. You get the idea!
Don’t forget to join the Facebook group by going to the show notes and sharing your new traditions and how they are going and being received.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

65: Distressing Events During Remarriage Nov 20, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about distressing events in the life of a remarriage. If you are together for any length of time, you are going to experience a pretty weighty issue at some point. It might be a financial calamity, a health issue, an accident or any other number of difficult obstacles. We will talk about these issues today and ways to cope and even overcome. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

It is said that in life we are either entering a storm, going through a storm, or leaving a storm. We aren’t promised an easy life for sure, and these storms are sure to be tough.
Maybe it is an accident of some sort that has caused bodily injury. It could have happened on the job or at home. I know several people who have fallen from ladders while working on their home. In fact I know of two women whose husband’s have died as a result of these falls. Talk about the most terrible thing that could happen at that’s it.
Car accidents are another sometimes awful event in our lives, and in fact this is something my wife and I recently experienced. The healing is slow but especially for Heather my wife she is getting there.
Health scares with things like benign tumors that turn out to be nothing more, to more terrible diagnoses like Stage 4 cancer or a stroke will cause life to stop for a moment for sure. Over 25 years ago, my mother had an aneurysm which is similar to a stroke and ultimately died from the complications of that issue.
Other things like drug and alcohol abuse can cause difficulty in a marriage for sure. In fact I see this issue quite a bit in my counseling with couples. More often than not the couple may not quite see and understand this as an issue. However, it can certainly cause high conflict, violence, depression, and financial issues just to name a few.
Job loss which can cause great financial hardships is something that you may have gone through. This can cause difficulties for couples and families and can also cause hits to self esteem, depression, and anxiety waiting to find another job.
Other issues like affairs which we talked about quite awhile in an earlier episode can rock a marriage and in fact many times will lead to divorce without help and work on that issue.
No doubt one or more of these issues will come, and so often there may not be much you can do to prevent something like this from happening. So it is really all in how you deal with it as a couple that counts. Let’s talk about some of those ways.
Mindset Shift: All too often issues and problems in a marriage are seen as well that’s “your” problem or this is “my” problem. However this can lead to feeling hurt and alone. It is better to think of these things as “our” problem and we will get through this together.
Friends and Family: During the difficult times do not be afraid to lean on those people that want to help. You might not like asking for help or maybe there is a pride issue, but when you don’t take help you will prevent your friends and family from being able to give and be blessed in return.
Regular Couple Meetings: Make sure to set up regular meetings with each other to discuss the issue, what needs to get done, by when, and then most importantly check in with how each of you are feeling about the issue. This is an easy one to mess up with ill feelings, conflict and criticisms so when you have a tough time return back to the “We” mentality
Past Distressing Events: Be sure to discuss past issues and how you both overcame them. Often when talking about everything you have overcome, you can both often draw from strengths and ways in which you solved problems together. This is a great confidence builder.
Have Fun Together: This one might be the hardest because you might be overwhelmed with all that comes with a distressing event. However it is important to do something like a date night, plan a picnic, or a couples massage. You brain needs a break from time to time to help in dealing with the issues.
Trust in God: For me this is the most important one of them all and the one that can sometimes be tough especially if you are in the middle of the storm. With the recent car accident we were in, God could have just as easily decided to call one or both of us home. However, he did not. We understand that eventually we will all be called home, but for some reason he chose for this not to happen right now. For us this means the we have more of his work to do here.

However, for those of you that have lost a spouse or a loved one too early this trust is not as easy. We are humans and so it is very hard for us to deal with or understand why we see that some loved ones don’t get the life we feel they deserve. In my opinion, I believe God knows and understands this. He will be patient with you, so as much as it depends on you keep working on that trust. In time he usually reveals what his plan for you in all of this is.

Would love to hear in our Facebook group how you and your partner have overcome a distressing event in the life of your relationship.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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64: My Depression and My Divorce Oct 23, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about his own battles with depression during his divorce and how he overcame this. It took several years and many trials and errors but learn how he finally worked through his issues. Everyone is different and divorce will look different for everyone so learn to discover what works for you. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today we are going to be talking about depression and divorce. Unfortunately for most people these two things go together like peanut butter and jelly. It is difficult to avoid some depression during this tumultuous life event. In fact researchers say next to the death of a spouse that divorce is the most stressful thing that you will ever go through.
I wanted to share a little about what I went through and the dark hole I found myself in for several years. I am not going to get into the details surrounding my divorce, like who did what, and who was responsible for what because that no longer matters. It happened about 20 years ago and certainly time has healed all of that, so at least for me those things are no longer relevant. However, let’s just say as I look back indeed there was much on both sides that we could have done better to not lead us down that path.
Again though this is a story about my journey. Don’t worry though there won’t be anything you hear that will be alarming or difficult for any age to hear.
You often hear that even things as big as divorce and no matter how long ago they happened, still seem clear and vivid. For me this is not so, as this time has become somewhat hazy to me as like an impressionistic painting where it is hard to see clearly the details. In fact if I do ever think about this time or how I felt it is as if I am describing someone else or the events of a movie I am seeing on the screen.
This big thing for me when the separation and divorce started to unfold, is that a wave of depression certainly crashed over me. It’s like when waves keep hitting you are you go from being completely submerged to getting small moments of breath. But it’s like they aren’t enough. At some points you begin to expect the waves, and even the small moments of breath no longer feel good because you know they are just momentarily.
While I never contemplated suicide, I certainly had days where I didn’t have the energy or desire to do much. In fact there was one occasion in the evening where I was by myself, and I turned off all the lights in the house, laid in bed with the covers over my head. All the while my mind kept flashing backward and forward. I would replay all the negative events of the past and then look forward through the lens of despair.
I remember the days of feeling like a zombie. It was as if I was two people. One was working hard to making my brain work, making me talk, making me work, making me take care of my daughter. The other was making me have only energy to lie down, making me ruminate over past mistakes and the gloomy future ahead. These two battled quite often. When I was around others, the one that would make me engage would win out. When I was alone, it was the one that said I needed sit and think would win out. What a draining and difficult time this was.
I remember on days alone I would rifle through old pictures of my family thinking about what was and what could have been. It was strange but while there would be a quick pick me up of endorphins by seeing these happy photos, the despair would quickly set in and then I would end up feeling worse. One thing I have never done in my life are illegal drugs so I can’t comprehend addiction like that however, from what I have read and understand in some ways my brain was acting and functioning just like this when I would look at these old photos. A huge high but only briefly and then a long and hard low would follow.
I would like to tell you that this went on for just days. However, it didn’t just go on for days, it didn’t go on for just weeks, it didn’t just go on for months, it went on in force for probably at least 3 years and if I really think about it a 4th year was kind of a transition out. A long and hard road indeed.
For some there may be a magical moment when it all comes into place and everything makes sense. For me it was not this way. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions over those years for sure. The grief process seemed to slow to crawl many times and I often wondered if I would ever get out.
I am going to tell you some things that helped me and so as you listen certainly think about these things and think about what might help you.
- First, I did turn back to God toward the end of my marriage. From age 15 or so to around 28, I did not step foot in a church nor even so much as think about opening the Bible. I probably prayed during this time, but indeed it was probably a lot of selfish prayers and getting angry at God for what I thought he was doing to me. I would like to say the immediately that my bad feelings went away, they did not. I recently heard that when you pray God says “Yes, No, or Grow.” At this time he was saying “Grow.”
- Socially engaging with others as part of a small group that met on Friday nights. The ironic thing about this group is that they were all married couples except for me. However, they made me feel welcome and at home. For a brief couple of hours I could partially put aside my feelings about my life and focus on something else.
- I physically moved from Ohio to Florida. This is a long story and could take another podcast episode to talk through but this one ultimately helped me a great deal. I think the sunshine helped me mentally and physically and then just getting away to a new environment also helped. They often say that running from your trouble doesn’t work but in my case it did.
- For a short time, I did go through counseling and took medication to help with the depression. This indeed helped for a time and if you have depression that it sticking and won’t go away I would encourage to highly consider these options. Of course I am not a doctor and would ask that you consult one. I once had someone tell me that we take medicine for all kind of physical ailments, and so our brain is an organ just like any other that may need help from time to time and there are medicines that can do just that.
- While this is tough, making sure to get involved by volunteering at different functions is important. I never did fully dive into something like this permanently, but I would do things on occasion that maybe were sponsored by work when it came to cancer fundraising and different events like that. It was a help to me to know that in spite of the difficulties I was going through mentally and emotionally that I could still help others.
Honestly, today’s episode was hard. Really I probably didn’t give you as good a picture as I would like regarding how deeply despaired I was. If this is something you are going through right now, I can promise you that as Galatians 6:9-11 says, “ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”
It may not seem like it now, but there is a hope and future laid out for you. Sometimes we have to spend quite awhile in the valley while we are growing and working through this. However, as I have said before if the pain becomes to great you must seek help. If you situation is dire and you feel you have no hope please call the National Suicide Prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Don’t give up. You are going to ultimately do something to help someone else right where you are today. I am living proof that this can happen. Had I not gone through what I did, you would not be listening to my voice right now with this great desire to help you my fellow friend walk through divorce.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

63: Food, Connections, and The Blended Family Oct 16, 2018

Show notes

Today we are going to talk about food. We all love it, maybe sometimes a bit too much. We all need it. In fact in general most studies show we can go about 30 days and that’s it. Most of us probably feel like we can’t even skip a meal let alone 30 days.
Today we are going to talk about food and the way in which it connects people and more importantly a family.
Before we talk about that here are some funny quotes surrounding food and people that I love:
- “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments” Chris Rock
- “You better cut the pizza is four slices because I’m not hungry enough to eat six” Yogi Berra
- “Food is not just eating energy. It’s an experience.” Guy Fieri
- “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate” Jo Brand
Some of my favorite memories about growing up in blended family situations involved food.
- My mom made the best peanut butter fudge. The creamiest, most sweet, most hearty thing on the planet. To this day, I don’t really care too much for chocolate fudge, but peanut butter fudge is an entirely different story.
- My stepmom made lots of good meals but the one that stood out the most was probably the most simple. She would put a hot dog on a piece of bread, put a slit down the middle, fill it with a slice of cheese, fold it together with a toothpick, and bake it in the oven. I remember salivating as I watched the crust get golden brown and the cheese bubble.
- The first meal my wife ever cooked was chicken enchiladas. You have no idea how much I appreciated this and how good it made me feel. There was only one issue and in hind sight something I should never have brought up! The chicken tasted like it might have been freezer burned. I said something like I think something is wrong with the chicken, not realizing that she might take this to mean her cooking was the problem. Needless to say I haven’t lived that one down.
I’m sure you probably have lots of stories about how food has played a special part in your life. Whether it be things about how you grew up or in your current family.
Food often accompanies happy times like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and so many others milestone events.
It’s also used as a comfort after funerals as well.
There is just something about how food does unite us, and who doesn’t need that at this time in history when it feels like we are so divided.
I would encourage you to make food a part of your family as a way to connect stepkids with each other, with the step parent and even with the biological parent.
One way in which we did that involved my daughter as a teenager. As I remember we would ask her to cook one meal a night and it could be something of her creation. She made something with pork, green beans, coconut milk and some other spices and veggies. It was delicious!
What are you doing to use food as a way to connect each other? Here are some ideas:
- Just like we did, assign the kids especially if they are teenagers to cook one meal a week. If you have more than one teen, you can have them do it together as a team or you could rotate and have a different child every week
- Involve the kids in meal planning. Give them some say in some of the foods you prepare. Of course, you may not want to have gummy bears for dinner one night but see if they can come up with an idea for a tasty side dish. Then name it after that child. For example, maybe it’s Jacob’s Creamy Sweet Potato Casserole or Megan’s Cooked Carrots and Brown Sugar. Feel free to be even more creative than that.
- If they come up with a meal or a side dish, then have them go with you to the store to buy the specific ingredients. Talk to them about cost and amounts that are needed.
- Enroll your child into a kids cooking class. These classes are designed to be fun and interactive. A quick search on the internet will locate many of these especially if you live in a decent sized city.
- Find a local farm that allows visits and gives tours so that kids better understand where the food comes from.
- Visit a farmers market and have the kids pick out the fresh vegetables and fruits and other items needed to make dishes of theirs or your selections.

Of course lots of kids give resistance when it comes to this idea, so make sure to make it as fun and interactive as you can.

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