The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

62: Greetings and Goodbyes Oct 09, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the small stuff. It’s the little things like developing habits around how each of you like to be greeted after time awhile from each other and how you like to part. Having conversations around what you like and don’t like is the first step. Then taking action is the next step to develop good habits around this idea. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The idea of greetings and goodbyes for couples is an often overlooked subject but so very important.
When I was a child I can think of an instance where a greeting stood out to me. My grandmother always wanted to greet me with a hug. Although I tended to squirm especially when I was really young, I do remember having warm feelings of being loved by her. As I look back this is something that has always been special to me.
The same goes for couples. We need these small greetings and goodbyes in order to feel good about our relationship.
It is quite interesting the way in which people greet each other around the world. Here in the United States we often think about a hug and a kiss. However here are some other ways people connect:
- In Japan, bowing is a common greeting
- In Kenya, a dance is done to greet someone new
- Thailand, people will press their hands together as if in prayer and bow the head
- In Haiti, men shake other men’s hands while men and women will kiss each other on the cheek
- Kissing on the cheek between all sexes is very common as a greeting in South and Eastern Europe
How do you greet each other after not having seen each other say for the day because of work or what about how does your greeting change when you go longer?
Talk to each other about the greeting, what you like and what you don’t like. Make changes to accommodate you both if necessary.
What about good-byes. How are these handled.
Regarding good-byes, I always remember this with my Dad. I grew up in divorced homes. My Dad would pick me up every weekend on a Friday evening and would bring me back on a Monday morning. For most of the time, my mother lived in an apartment and I remember getting out of my Dad’s van, I would walk toward the entrance of the apartment, go in and make sure the door was unlocked to our apartment and then I would come back out and wave my Dad on. Again another small example at the time that showed me how much he loved and cared for me that he would wait to make sure I was safe.
One thing I noticed about my wife and her family is that they have a really neat way they say good-bye to each other. They will sometimes curl their wrist in kind of a very loose ball and then wave up and down. I am not completely sure where this came from, but I believe it was a way one of the kids maybe started waving to their parents and that they will do it now even as adults.
Heather and I will often blow kisses to each other as if to say make sure you take this with you when you leave. And as sort of cliché and unoriginal as it sounds, we will say “I love you” upon departing.
With these habits once you begin doing them, you will notice rather quickly if you miss them. If for some reason I forget to say I love you then I will generally text later and say I forgot to tell you that I love you so I wanted to make sure you knew.
Just as with greetings, how do you typically handle good-byes as a couple?
Have a discussion with each other around how you want to part for the day. What feels good and what doesn’t? Work on implementing a change together.
Remember it is the small stuff often that will send your relationship on a path that is good.
What better way to celebrate the small stuff that to look back at the Bible. Most of you know the story of David, the skinny shephard boy who would ultimately be King. In 1 Samuel 17:40, “Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones from the brook and put them in his shepherd’s pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine.”
- Ultimately as we know David was little more than a boy when he struck down Goliath.
- The Bible says that Goliath was over 9 feet tall.
- But again it took a small boy and a small stone to take him down.
What small things regarding your greetings and goodbyes can you implement to tear down any walls you might have between you?

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

61: Ten Ways to Make Marriage Better the Second Time Oct 02, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about 10 ways to make marriage better the second time. This is based on an article written by Terry Gaspard and published by the Gottman Institute. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know remarriage is different than the first marriage. However, often we don’t treat it differently and often we don’t do anything differently. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, just that we have never been taught.
What if when you were growing up your parents prepared you for what divorce and a subsequent marriage would look like especially if they went through it. Of course this is great in theory, but talking about that before it happens can put quite the damper on a first marriage if that hasn’t happened.
What if they would devote a class in high school and or/college to the pitfalls of divorce and the difficulties that you would face in remarriage. Again it sounds like by doing this we are not hoping for the best. However, because 50% or more of marriages end in divorce and as we know the more you get married the higher the likelihood that you will get divorce, then it would stand to reason that a course or class to prepare would be helpful.
Would anyone take such a course? Probably not, because who goes into a marriage thinking they are going to get divorced. The number is probably pretty close to zero in less you are in it for something other than love.
So let’s talk about 10 ways to make marriage better the second time around. The article which will be linked in the notes below, is called 10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage.
- Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance
- Practice being vulnerable in small steps
- Create space for quality time
- Discuss expectations
- Prepare for conflict
- Have your primary role as a stepparent be a friend and supporter as a rather than a disciplinarian.
- Communicate Effectively
- Attune to each other. This means giving your partner your full attention.
- Open Ended Dialogue. Do not make threats or ultimatums.
- Practice Forgiveness
Putting many or all of these into practice in your relationship can go a long way to ensuring that you have a better experience this time around.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down these 10 ways to make your relationship better. Then rate each on a scale of 0-10 in how well you think you do these things. So a “0” would mean I don’t do this at all and a “10” means I do this perfectly. Have your partner do this also.
If you are brave then ask your partner if he or she feels that your numbers are accurate. Remember be gentle to each other through this process.

Resources:

10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

60: Physical Fitness During Divorce and Remarriage Sep 25, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how important physical fitness is to your body and mind when dealing with divorce and also remarriage. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Let’s talk about my story for just a minute. My divorce happened almost 20 years ago. It was around that time that I realized I needed an outlet for my anger, bitterness, frustration, and resentment. I turned to all sorts of things for comfort. Other people, other relationships, television and movies, and sometimes alcohol. Thank goodness I never turned to any harsher substances or drugs but I know lots of people that struggle with that during a divorce.
I turned slowly toward physical fitness. I joined a gym and started to use the stair stepper and weights. I would take my daughter with me because they had a childcare set up where I think I would pay maybe a $1.50 for a couple of hours. She was around 2 at the time. She enjoyed it for the most part until she got a bit older.
I remember the first time at the gym pretty vividly. An employee said she would take me around all the weights and help me get a good workout in. Well since I had never really worked out before, that morning I thought I would eat a hearty breakfast to make sure I had enough energy for the workout.
Unfortunately, about half way through the workout, I got sick in the locker room. I won’t go into details but let’s just say I gave one of the employees a mess to clean up. Needless to say feeling massively embarrassed I decided I had better end the workout. I apologized to the worker that was helping me and she actually apologized to me for working me too hard.
I decided though after the dust settled from the workout that I had to make this part of my routine. This eventually is what led to my love of running. I started out just running one mile, then two, then three. For many many years like maybe 15, I would run no more than 3. Then eventually I joined a team to run a 10k race (which is just over 6 miles), that led to a half marathon then to a full marathon.
However running to me has been much more than about my physical health. It was about my mental and emotional health. When I was going through my divorce it was an extremely tough time for me emotionally. I lost my mom to a stroke about 5 years before and so I think I was prone to go down rabbit holes mentally.
Running helped me in several ways.
- Reduced my depression
- Reduced my anxiety
- Helped me concentrate
- Ability to dream about the future
- Organize my thoughts
- Get much needed sunlight and Vitamin D which is important for mood
- Increased my self confidence and self esteem
This issue with physical fitness is that sometimes you do have to force yourself in the short term to do this knowing that the longterm benefits will outweight the short term. When I would go for a morning run, I would notice I had more clarity in my thoughts and I felt better both physically and emotionally.
Obviously consult a physician before you start any physical fitness program, but I highly encourage you to start. Here are some ideas:
- Join a gym. For me it was a motivation to go because I was paying for it, however some will join and stop going. You will need to ask yourself what motivates you. However if a gym is an option, there is so much to do there like running and walking on treadmills, weights of all sorts, stretching areas, and many other things to do depending on the gym.
- Go for a walk or run outside. There is nothing like getting some sunshine while listening to the birds and all the sounds in nature.
- Find a workout program on DVD on through the computer that suits the level of fitness that you are at what you would like to achieve. Make sure you are working just a bit harder to push yourself. Nothing too hard and nothing too easy.
- If you are in a relationship currently, make a commitment to each other to find something to do together.
- You can involve the family. Maybe the adults will walk and run while the kids ride bikes and the little ones are pushed in strollers. This one is not easy because everyone is at their own pace so find what works for you.
Just know that ensuring you stay physically fit can help you in so many ways get over the pain of a divorce and even help you to deal with an ex-spouse. It certainly helped me with lots of anger that I had over what was happening and I know it can help you.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

59: Community Support for Blended Families Sep 18, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how important community and reaching out to others is when it comes to remarriage and blended families. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Being in community with others who have experienced or are currently experiencing a remarriage and blended family can be so important to the health of your own marriage and family.
Often we try to work on our remarriage and parenting in a vacuum when it may be necessary to ask for help. There really is no need to try to do it alone especially when blended of families is so difficult. You may be aware but remarriages that involve children on one or both sides end in divorce about 66% of the time.
Let’s talk about the importance of community.
- Amish – Barn Raising is a great example of the community coming together to produce a vital asset for the family. To build a barn, one family typically would not have enough ability to produce the labor necessary to build a barn so an entire community would pitch in to help. Often this task can be completed in one day with the right amount of help.
- The concept of insurance was built on the need for a community of people to pool monetary resources in order to help the few who may experience a loss due to fire, and water or other disaster. By contrast, one person would not be take on the cost to build a home on their own.
- Multi-generational homes are another example where grandparents, parents, and children all may live together. In many cases, childcare or rearing may be to some degree with the parents and grandparents especially if the parents have careers that may cause them to travel or work long hours.
- The bible also talks about the importance of gathering together in the book of Hebrews. “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25. This meeting together causes us to encourage and be encouraged to keep pushing to keep persevering through the trials of life.
When it comes to assembling with others this is so very important in the life of a blended family. In fact I would say it is even more vital for remarrieds due to the difficulty that is faced with blended properly. So what are some ideas to get support.
- Find one family who is also remarried and has kids of similar ages. Connect with that family by doing things together in 3 ways. Those ways include connecting as an entire family unit, connecting as couples to share ideas and get support and finally share babysitting and/or having older children be able to spend the night with other kids that are going through the same issues.
- Check out a website like meetup.com which may have a group in your area for remarried couples and/or blended families. Use search terms like remarriage, divorce, blended family, or stepfamily to help in your search. If you find a group that works, then check it out. Most group leaders don’t look for a commitment right away, so just ask and don’t be afraid to check it out.
- Finally, the Remarried Life Facebook Group is an excellent way to connect with others who are working on remarriage and blended family journeys. Facebook groups are an excellent way to easily connect and ask questions. So face to face meetings have the ability to deepen a connection, facebook groups have the ability to create support that while may not be as deep make up for it with ease.
- - Find the Remarried Life Facebook here in the show notes. Click on the link below to join. The show notes are located at www.theremarriedlife.com/session59
  - You can also do a search in Facebook for The Remarried Life. Look for the black roof and orange trees in the logo.
Make sure you say Hi to me after you join!
Let’s make it a point to help each other the stop continued increased divorce rate for those that have been remarried at least a 2nd time.

58: Who Suffers More From Divorce? Men or Women? Sep 11, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the difficulties that divorce presents for both men and women. These difficulties are different for each gender and can cause issues for both in different ways. It can also certain impact the preparation and health or a remarriage. Today we will explore those issues and the outcomes of this based on a study done just a few months ago. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Most of us know that divorce causes financial strain, mental health struggles, physical health issues, and relationship strain with children and family and difficulties in generally socially.
However, what most of us may not know is the difference in impact that a divorce can have on the different genders. There is a lot of research out there about how men’s and women’s brains are different.
- Some examples of the differences can include (remember these are generalities and don’t apply to everyone):
- - Women are relational, Men are logical
  - Women are process oriented, Men are results oriented
  - Women are nurturing, Men are disciplinary
  - Women talk more, Men Talk Less
  - Women generally need someone to process stress with, while men need time alone
It would stand to reason because of these differences then that men and women would respond to the stress of divorce differently.
This difference has been borne out in a recent study called Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes that was published a few months ago
The study looked at health and well-being, social, economic, and housing and domestic issues. Three finding came out of the study:
- Men were more vulnerable to in the short term to issues of health and well-being
- In the medium term, the differences in both women and men lessened in all sorts of the areas measured
- In the long term, women suffered more losses in household income, increased risk of poverty, and a heavier burden of single parenting.
Let’s look at the 4 areas that the study included to take a look at some of the differences.
Economic Outcomes
- The burden falls more heavily on women. As just mentioned more steep decline in household income. By contrast men actually improve their financial standing in post-divorce years. There are lots of reasons for this difference, but one suggests that the burden of raising children and reduces the ability to work harder to move to different jobs and or get promotions.
Housing and Domestic Outcomes
- Women are generally more likely to lose home ownership than men in part due to the economic outcomes talked about above. One interesting part of the study talked about how men increased time spent on household activities and women reduced.
Health and Wellbeing Outcomes
- Men who divorce experience more health declines due to divorce than women. It is known that men experience more health benefits while married so it stands to reason that a divorce can cause health to swing the other direction.
- Another explanation for why men have more difficulties is that women are usually more aware of the marital relationship issues and will work harder to hold it together. However women are also usually the first to start the divorce talk because they feel they have exhausted the efforts. This can often catch a man by surprise therefore the mental and physical effects will go into the post-divorce period.
Social Outcomes
- Custodial parents have more difficulty with the solo parenting and childcare piece.
- Non custodial parents face difficulty in maintaining contact with the children. This is usually the man creating more difficulty with that piece in them. Research suggests that men suffer more because of this issue.
- Repartnering is also an issue and seems to affect women more. Here are some reasons according to the research:
- - Women typically have custody of the children making it more difficult to repartner because women without children may be more attractive according to the study
  - Older people according to the research have a more difficult time on the remarriage market and this effect is more pronounced for women.
  - Women often have fewer chances to meet others due to the childcare obligations.
Overall there are lots of difficulties that both genders face and many of them are different. Hopefully this is eye opening to the fact that both men and women struggle with divorce in their own way and that often knowing this could help you as you proceed forward but also may help you see your ex-spouse if you are divorced in a different light.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

57: Pivotal Moments in the Life of a Relationship Sep 04, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about those days and times in a relationship where things pivot and take a turn for the worse or for the better. Rarely does a pivot happen that does not significantly alter the course of the relationship. Pivots can be things that happen from internal forces or external events. The internal pivots often early in the relationship can happen with little thought or effort but later in life they may take more effort. Whatever the reason though pivot points are important. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The dictionary defines a pivot as something of “crucial importance in relation to the development or success of something else.”
Did you know that Facebook used to be called Facemash and it was nothing like the social media platform it is today. It used to be a site that would put two pictures of people together asking which was more attractive. Talk about the right pivot!
Starbucks up until the early 1980’s sold espresso machines and beans. A trip to Italy by the founder had him inspired by the coffee shops there and now we know it as the most famous coffee shop in the world.
Michael Jordan constantly used feeling slighted as fuel to pivot to frequently greater heights. The best example of this with him occurred when he got cut from his high school basketball team and then went on the win a National Championship in basketball at the University of North Carolina.
So what about the pivot points in a relationship that change the trajectory of where you are headed as a couple. There are lots of them including:
- Your first meeting
- Your first kiss
- Saying I love You for the First Time
- Meeting Families
- Taking a Trip
- Staying Over For the Night
- Getting Engaged
- Getting Married
- Having Your First Child
- Having Each Additional Child
- A Financial Windfall or Calamity
- A Health Scare
- An Affair
- A Major Conflict
- A job loss
- Loss of a Child
Think about the pivotal moments in your relationship. Then think about in the moment which way you felt your relationship moving. Then finally think about as you look back and have more space from the moment even those that seem negative, did they ultimately damage your relationship or ultimately strengthen it.
For me and my wife Heather with have had lots of pivotal moments in our relationship. There are a couple that really stand out to me that in the moment felt negative and felt like a tidal wave might wash us under.
- Heather’s cancer scare while we were dating and what we did about it
- Disagreements about parenting and what we did about it
As I look back on my relationship with my wife it is those moments that ultimately strengthened our marriage and we both can look back and almost glorify the struggle if you will. We can often say wow look what we have come through. With these moments we gain confidence to say that there is almost nothing that we can’t make it through now.
As we wrap up, I would encourage you and your partner whether you have been together for a few months or a few years, to think back to some of these pivotal moments and ask some of these questions of each other focusing on your own experience through the issue.
- What was that pivotal moment?
- How did you feel as you were going through it? Angry, sad, lonely, excited, happy, overjoyed, fearful etc
- What were the things that you or your partner did that helped?
- What things happened that did not help?
- As you look back if you have some distance, did it strengthen you and prepare for the pivotal moments to come?
Hope you enjoyed today’s message.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

56: Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner Aug 28, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks the very common issue of projecting past hurts onto a new partner. For those of you that have been through a divorce or other tough break-up, there is a high likelihood that you may be doing this. You may or may not be aware of this. Of course your partner could be doing the same. Today we will talk about this issue and what to watch out for. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Break-ups and divorces are hard and can sometimes be very bad. Did you know that on the life stress scale, Divorce is number 2 behind only the death of a spouse. It is ahead of things like a cancer diagnosis, getting fired from a job, or going to jail.
However sometimes it is the past relationship itself that may have been difficult. There are lots of things in our past relationships that can be stressful. Some of those are:
- Infidelity on your part
- Infidelity on your partner’s part
- Physical Abuse
- Emotional Abuse
- Mental Health Disorders including Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, or even things like
- Conflict
- Communication Difficulties including Narcissism
- Control through Social Isolation or Sex
- Humiliation in front of others
These issues are indeed painful and most likely if they occurred you somehow adapted for a time until maybe something finally pushed you over the edge to consider a break-up or divorce.
The unfortunate part about these issues is that the residue of the pain can linger past this relationship. It is very normal for lot’s of us to experience things like this and have to work through on an individual basis. This is where a good support group or counseling can really help.
However, we often begin a new relationship before we have fully healed from these past hurts. Because of this, things that the new partner does or says become triggers.
What are triggers you ask? Well of course we all know what that means when it applies to a pistol or rifle is that it is piece on the gun that will set it off. A trigger in life is something similar.
A life trigger is something that happens outside of yourself like a word or an action by your partner that sets off a whirlwind of emotion and often a resulting behavior change. So for example, your spouse coming home 30 minutes late without letting you know reminds you of your past spouse who did this because he was having an affair. As a result, you state you don’t trust your current spouse even though they haven’t done anything besides being forgetful.
So how do you know if you are projecting? Let’s talk about some of those ways. But before we begin, I must say that there are indeed times where your current partner is doing something really hurtful like emotional or physical abuse or maybe there is an affair. If that is the case then get help. However, if these are not the case then this is for you:
- Anxiety when your partner doesn’t immediately return a call, email, or text could be a sign that you could be feeling triggered.
- You don’t fully trust what your partner is telling you, but nothing or very little has ever been done to warrant that mistrust.
- There is difficulty controlling anger over even small disagreements
- Are you jealous of others? Do you say things like “I trust you, but it is others that I do not trust.” If you are saying this then you are basically saying, “I do not trust you.”
- If there is anything you are assuming or attempting to mind read. If this is the case, just ask and maybe you will get an answer you are looking for.
Honestly, projection can be defeated by lots of self awareness and introspection. Remember though things like narcissism and gaslighting are real and so do not turn a blind eye to things like that but again on the other hand be careful about assuming things that may not be true about your current partner.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

55: Does Praying Together as a Couple Work? Aug 21, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about praying together as a couple. We often think about praying for a meal or praying when we are in true crisis, but what about day to day life as a couple? Sometimes this is a tough issue especially when each of you are on different pages regarding the willingness to make this a part of your life. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The dictionary definition of prayer is a request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship. In my opinion the only type of prayer that works is a prayer to the God who created the universe, but I understand that the dictionary definition takes into account what others might believe.
We often think about prayer being done in a church, a hospital when someone is sick and dying, or around the dinner table to bless a meal. But what about utilizing it as a powerful part of connection with you and your partner?
As we all know, marriages end in divorce about 50% of the time. What if I told you that less than 1% of married couples who prayer every day will eventually get divorced. I have heard this statistic in many places, but I would be lying if I told you I could find the scientific research to back this up. Nonetheless, from what I know and understand I can that this could be true.
What is prayer good for? Let’s discuss:
- When you pray together, you humble yourselves to something bigger than who you are. This often will reduce selfishness which can get all into trouble. When we become selfish we often lose sight of our partner and their needs.
- When you pray for your partner, you will often find you cannot be angry at the same time. It’s like if I told you to both love and hate a person. You might be able to say that you hate what someone is doing, but that you love them. This is not the same as both hating and loving someone and so again prayer typically will have you loving your partner more.
- Prayer can unify you as a couple and make you stronger. There is a passage in Deuteronomy 32 which says something like one person can send a thousand to flight, but two people can send 10,000 to flight. This means that the power of coming together in prayer doesn’t mean you double your power together, but that it multiplies 10 fold. Amazing!
- Prayer can help each of you lift the burdens of your daily communication and conflict struggles onto a God who is greater. The act of you both coming together to ask for help, when you can’t figure it out on your own is especially freeing.

So now that we understand some of the reasons that prayer is helpful you might ask yourself, then how should we prayer. A model for good prayer is found in Matthew 6:9-13. It says “This, then, is how you should pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.”
If you break that prayer done, it basically says to:

- Acknowledge God is separate and holy
- Understand that his ways are higher and will eventually win out
- Give us what we need
- Forgive what we have done wrong as we are called to forgive others
- Protect us from falling in the future especially when an outside force like Satan is attacking.
Another very specific way to pray that I would like you to do as a couple is to do something that is called “The Six Minutes that will change your Life.” I wish I could remember exactly who to attribute this to, but I cannot. However it goes something like this:
- As a couple get seated comfortably, facing each and holding hands
- Gaze into each other’s eyes (which you may not have done since your wedding day)
- Then take turns one by one with the following subjects:
- - Thanksgiving – each of you take a minute praying for what you are thankful for regarding specific things your partner is doing that you appreciate
  - Forgiveness – each of you should take a minute while still looking into each other’s eyes asking your partner for one, two, or maybe three things that you have done wrong that you need forgiveness (see Session 32 for more on learning how to forgive – www.theremarriedlife.com/session32 )
  - Blessing – each of you should take a minute to ask God to bless your partner for who they are or what they have done (and be specific about what it is you want for your partner).
My hope is that you will work to implement prayer into your lives as individuals and as couples. Many people report that it changes things for the better. Because again when you focus on love and what is best for your partner, you generally cannot be angered or hate at the same time.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

54: When a Teenager Doesn’t Want to Live With You Anymore Aug 14, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks the issue of a teenager saying they don’t want to live under your roof any longer and that they want to live with the other parent. This happens with a great number of teenagers who are living in blended families for one reason or another. Even though it is extremely common for this issue to come up, it still doesn’t make it any harder. We will tackle this issue today with some helpful tips to keep your sanity during something this difficult. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There is a myth the children between the ages of 12-14 can make the decision of who to live with and decide to switch. Ultimately however that decision rests with the court system and a judge. Of course they will take into account the child’s age, but there are so many other
Factors that courts use to determine change in custody also include. Other factors include each parent’s mental state, other support, how amicable the each parent is toward each other, and many other factors.
So switching may not be as easy as it sounds, but it does happen frequently. When this does happen especially if you are on the “losing” end, then it can certainly feel quite devastating. The emotional pain from this depending on what has led to this decision can be difficult to overcome.
It is especially difficult if the child expresses negativity over the home, the family unit, a stepparent, or some other piece about the current home life.
Sometimes, the other parent can often feed into a child’s insecurities or anxiety over the other parent’s home thereby hastening a child leaving.
Aside from the legal ramifications or protections you might seek, there are certain things you should be mindful of when this is happening and that is what our focus is on today.
This is not your fault. I don’t even know you, but I can say that probably 95% of the time, there is a not parent at fault for why a change is being requested. Now you certainly might be made to feel that way, but do not buy into this probable lie.
As difficult as it is, explaining to the child that is making the decision to leave that you support their decision (assuming you are not against it completely or believe it is truly not in the best interest of the child) is really the best course of action. It is almost as if you are making the choice to take the higher ground.
Get support from your partner (spouse) on this issue. The most important thing through all of this is to come together as a couple. If you approach this from the mentality that you and your spouse will be together forever, then you may begin to see that the loss of the child to the other parent may not be as big of an issue as you thought (still very difficult nonetheless).
If your child will allow (assuming emotion is not playing a role), talk through a list of pros and cons about this change. Let the intent here not be that you are prepping the child to change his/her mind but that you are laying everything out so that everyone is well informed. However, this is difficult because a child and especially a teenager will operate with the emotional part of the brain more often than the logical part.
Be empathetic about the child’s plight. Most likely they don’t want to upset either parent. They will often feel caught in the middle of an already difficult situation.
Do not tear the other parent down to your child. You may feel justified based on what is going on and maybe the other parent is tearing you down to your child. In the long run if you avoid this, your child will be thankful later in life.
I went through this situation when I was a child and it was extremely difficult. My mother had primary custody of me, and at some point my father asked me about switching. This was extremely difficult on me at around the age of 14 I believe. I was a people pleaser (and still struggle with this to some degree). I ended up letting both of my parents down for a time. I originally said yes to the switch and then ultimately in a court with some sort of referee asking me questions with no one else around, I said that I did not want to switch. I can’t even imagine what great difficulty I placed my parents in, but of course I was 14 with a brain not fully formed yet.
Utimately be very careful as you move through these waters. It can be highly charged and emotional. Make sure you take care of yourself through this difficult time but making sure to still have fun and make life fun for your remaining family.
One last thing, if you need legal help then you should certainly seek it. If you feel at all like something would be wrong with this switch then you certainly should fight for what you want. But again be careful not to do this from a place of anger that you regret later.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

53: 7 Reasons to Wait to Get Remarried Aug 07, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about our desire to get remarried and replace what we lost or never had from our first marriage. Sometimes things seem right and we move forward and sometimes things don’t feel so right yet we still move forward anyway. Today we will discuss some of the signals and signs that might be showing you that now is not the time to dive into a remarriage. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

For those of us that have gotten remarried, most of the time the dating period is much shorter than in our first marriage. There are lots of reasons for this. Sometimes it is a result of being more mature, knowing we what we want, knowing what works and what doesn’t. However sometimes we shorten the dating period to marriage and living together for the wrong reasons.
Did you know that a study out of Emory University that tracked over 3,000 couples found that those who dated for 3 years or more were almost 40% less likely to divorce that those who dated less than a year. Those that at least dated for 2 years were 20% less likely to divorce than those at less than a year.
So this research suggests that in general it is good to wait. However we should look beyond the timeframe and look at more concrete examples of some warnings signs that you should think about when it comes to get remarried and blending your family with your partner.
Let’s talk about some of the warning signs.
- Are you trying to get rid of loneliness. If so, then you are trying to replace something that is internally broken with something external like a spouse or a family.
- Do you feel pressure from family, friends, or even society that you should be married. Do you desire to get remarried because you feel like people look down on you for being single?
- Are you still in the limerence phase in your relationship with your new partner. The dictionary definition of limerence is “the state of being infatuated with another person usually involuntarily.” You may have heard of 3 stages of feelings for a romantic partner – love, lust, and limerence. You should be honest with yourself and if you have not reached the more deep love stage then you could be living an illusion.
- Is a financial decision to bring together households together to lessen the burden on one or both of you driving your decision. Of course this can be a piece of why you want to get remarried but you should not let this be a primary reason.
- Are you thinking that if you get remarried that some habit that your partner has will change? Does your partner work more than you would like? Does your partner drink too much? Often assuming that if you get married, it will automatically change your partner is setting you and the relationship up for failure.
- Are you spiritually on the same page? For those of us that believe we will spend an eternity in heaven, this might be the most important issue of them all. If you disagree on this issue then it will potentially pervade many areas of your life. Typically for those of us that are strong in the Christian faith, we know that there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus Christ. Therefore if your partner does not believe the same, it is going to create surface arguments as well as deep rooted differences in values to be at play as well.
- You want your children to have another parent in the home. While this is probably healthier if it is all working appropriately to have two parents in the home, if you are simply trying to replace something then once again you may be setting yourself and your children up for failure. This piece takes time and patience to make sure everything is in order.
Just remember to be patient and let some time and diligent work on your part help you to work some of these issues first. If you can work through these issues and some others that you may have realized through listening today, then the likelihood of your next marriage working better will increase!

Resources:

The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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