The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

52: New Stepdad Tips Jul 31, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks through becoming a stepdad and what best to concentrate on in the initial stages. Becoming a new stepdad is difficult because we must balance building a relationship with our new stepchildren while also figuring out the parenting piece. There are lots of ways to go about this and today we will discuss several things to keep in mind as you build this relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Becoming a new stepparent is probably one of the most difficult new roles that we will ever assume. Today we are going to focus on becoming a stepfather and the most important items for you to be aware of as you enter into this new situation that can certainly be filled with landmines.
Did you know that over 1,000 stepfamilies are created every single day in the U.S. and in fact over 50% of families are remarried or recoupled. Of course with that, it means over 1,000 stepdads enter the picture everyday as well. So lots of us need help out there.
For me my interesting story is that I was a stepdad in my first marriage but not in my second. True that is generally somewhat atypical and in fact was more difficult for me because I became a stepfather at the age of 22. I did not know how to approach this and so I made lots of mistakes for sure. I wish at that time there were resources like this podcast to help me out.
Today we will talk about some tips that I wish I had back then to help ne navigate being a new stepdad and ones that I think will help you.
Eyes Wide Open: What I mean by this is that you must enter into this new situation understand there is a reality and that the picture of what you are hoping for may not be there especially to start. You should assume that your new stepchildren will look at your addition as a subtraction. They will look at you as pulling their biological parent away from them and not as if they have another parent to look up to.
Relationship before Parenting: This one is so critical and many of us get this one wrong. Much research shows that you need to take this process slow. Get to know the child on a friend level. I know this sounds counterintuitive but there will be much resistance if you do not approach the relationship in this manner. This is more difficult for men as we often can have a more distant authoritarian style to begin with. Check out www.theremarriedlife.com/session12 for the episode about parenting styles.
Unity with Mom: Your desire may be to provide direction and discipline to the child but initially you must provide this indirectly through mom. This will involve lots of conversations and being watchful of blame, criticism, harsh tones because should you begin to go down that path, mom’s ears will begin to close and even worse escalation of the difficulties will arise.
Observe for 90 Days: This can also be a timeframe of your choosing, but this logic comes from those that often talk about how best to assume a new leadership role in a company. Most experts in the field of the study of corporate world will tell you to simply enter the picture and assess what you are seeing rather than immediately intervening. There is no reason to come in immediately and rock the boat. The children have had enough upheaval as it is.
Be Patient: Often it can take 6 months to 2 years for the initial feeling out period to take place where a child may feel more comfortable. It is quite possible that it never happens. That can be a difficult reality but one that you should be prepared for. Just remember keep doing what you are doing and don’t tie your thoughts about what you are doing to the results you are seeing.
Manage Your Own Anger: There is no doubt that you will be angry and get stressed over the situations that arise. When a child won’t do what you say, won’t reciprocate your love and affection, or won’t proactively come to you for advice or their needs. This is such a difficult time for everyone including you. Try your best not to get caught up in personifying what is happening. In others words, realize that it may not matter who were to step in to your position the initial stages probably would not go well no matter what you do or who you are.
Being a stepdad is not easy. Keep working at it and remember a lot of what we talked about. There are of course lots of opinions and lots of research on what works and what does not so continue to seek that out. One resource to mention is a book called The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal which is loaded with lots of great information to help you in your journey.

Resources:

The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

51: Am I Disagreeing or Being Negative? Jul 24, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about whether or not your different opinion is a simple disagreement or just plain negativity. As with most issues this is a complicated one with lots of opinions on every side. We will tackle this issue to give you some tips to help your disagreements not turn into a negative spiral that can send you and your partner running for the hills. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Disagreements are going to happen in a relationship. If they don’t then one might say that you aren’t really truly connecting with each other. However, those disagreements are often seen as just good old negativity.
Did you know that couples disagree with each other around 2,455 times every year? That’s almost 7 times a day! Most of the arguments are over what seems to be trivial, but in reality they are usually about something deeper. For example you might be arguing over what color to paint the kids room, but in reality it might be that you don’t feel like you are listened to and so the argument spirals because of that and not because you can’t decide on a paint color.
Often one person in the argument will see their view as a simple difference of opinion while the other person sees this as downright negativity. Why does this difference happen. It happens for lots of reasons and can’t always be pinned on one person.
For the person that disagrees at an idea presented typically will be the one to believe that this is purely a disagreement and an issue that will ultimately find a solution
For the person that presents an idea, he or she often can see the response to their request in a different way. Sometimes it may be received as a disagreement and other times it may be seen negativity.
The person disagreeing needs to watch for several things in their response that could be perceived as negativity rather than a friendly disagreement. Some of those are as follows:
- Body Language (raising arms, turning away, shaking the head)
- Tone (anger, harshness, raising of the voice, talking more quickly or more slowly)
- Interrupting (not allowing your partner to finish a thought)
- Defensiveness (not taking responsibility for some of the issue)
For the person who initially presents the idea he or she needs to watch for the following:
- Railroading (this means not giving an option for input)
- Not Being Mindful (this means thinking about similar discussions that did not go well as this will sometimes jade the discussion)
- Mental and Physical State (sometimes how we are feeling that day will make it easier or more difficult to hear different opinions).
So now that we know what some of the issues are that get in the way of how discussions are perceived, let’s talk about some different methods of communicating that could help.
The Sandwich Method: means to start with something positive, then discuss something negative, then end with a positive.
Focus on the Positive: Find what you do agree about and sometimes this is easier said than done. For example, maybe don’t agree on the new color for the kids room, but your color choices are a bit closer than you originally had thought. Or maybe you completely agree on the items to be placed in the room and so you spend much time discussing how you are in agreement regarding much about the room and it will help lessen the feeling that you are in complete disagreement.
The Collaborative Method: means bringing your partner’s ideas into the discussion. For example, you might say something like “here is my opinion on the issue and then after I am done I invite you to tell me where I could be wrong here and by doing this we can try to come out with a solution that might work for both of us.”
Remember anger and getting flooded can sabotage these methods. If you notice this happening just ask your partner if you can walk away for a bit to collect your thoughts. Remember to tell your partner you love them and want to come to some type of agreement whether that be a compromise, one of you relents (with the potential to have more say next time) or some other means.
Keep working at turning negativity into a disagreement that eventually you can turn into a possible agreement.

Resources:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1389002/Fallout-Couples-argue-average-seven-times-day.html

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

50: The Remarriage of the Century - Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Jul 17, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer celebrates the 50th episode of The Remarried Life podcast. In honor of this, today’s episode will be much different that the others. We will talk about possible the most famous remarriage that has ever taken place and that is the recent marriage of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle. Meghan was previously married and divorced before meeting Prince Harry. Many things will probably be different based on the royal duties that they will take on, but just like us they will probably experience some of the similar issues that remarried people face. Today we will talk about this important issue. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Recently, in the United Kingdom a royal wedding took place between Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle. At the time of the wedding, Prince Harry was 33 and Meghan was 36. The most interesting thing about this marriage and what ties it to what we talk about here, is that this is Meghan’s second marriage.
Meghan met her first husband Trevor Engelson in 2004. Engelson is a movie producer. They married in 2011 and were divorced shortly thereafter in 2013.
You might think divorce and remarriage is not something that would hit the royal family as much as it might us everyday folks, but it seems that they are real people too behind all the jewels and glamour.
The most famous divorce took place between Harry’s mother and father. Princess Diana and Prince Charles divorced in 1996 after about 15 years of marriage. As we all know Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident a year later. Prince Charles remarried in 2005 to Camilla Bowles.
In fact of the 4 children that Queen Elizabeth II and Philip, Duke of Edinburg have, 3 of them divorced. In addition to Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Andrew the Duke of York have divorced. Andrew’s marriage and divorce to Sarah Ferguson was highly publicized.
Knowing all this, do the royal have a tougher time with marriage than the rest of us? This is hard to know because the sample size is so small, but it does appear being a royal and staying married can be difficult.
Royals have much more help to take care of daily activities in the home and with the children. Often they will have a housekeeper, personal assistants, nannies for the children, press officers, private secretaries, cleaners, gardeners, butlers, and maids. So to be sure they get lots of help. However does this translate to a better life and marriage?
It appears that the answer to whether or not this lavish lifestyle helps or harms their marriages. Obviously some in the royal family have been able to stay married while some divorce. And because they try to remain as private as they can, it is difficult to know if they ones that stay married are in fact happy.
We haven’t even mentioned the pressure that the media and the so called “paparazzi” places on these couples. In fact, one of Harry’s longtime girlfriends had to call off the engagement and at least publicly said that the intense media pressure was too much.
So with all this being said, how will Harry and Meghan fare? It is difficult to know, but one thing that Meghan has going for her is that she was an actress and so to some degree she has to be used to media pressure and the spotlight they bring. This is only one piece of the issue though.
Remember that this is her second marriage. She could potentially be bringing lots of emotional baggage to this marriage. Some common issues that we remarrieds have is projecting the issues from our first marriage onto our second. If there was any infidelity in Meghan’s first marriage she may end up with lots of anxiety regarding Harry’s every move. So something indeed to watch out for.
Neither of them have children so the complicated dynamic that this brings will not be there. So in that regard they are probably ahead of the game. As we all know stepchildren can make it difficult to bond as a family and a newly married couple.
Of course however their marriage plays out, we wish them the best and to live and long and happy life together. Just like I wish the same for you no matter how many times things have not worked out in the past.
I hope you have enjoyed this much different episode in the past where we take a look at the royal family and their similarities and differences to us in the remarried journey.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

49: How the State of a Marriage Can Impact Your Health Jul 10, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how verbal conflict when it gets out of hand has been correlated to physical ailments and other medical conditions. As a child, we were told that sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt. New scientific research says that words can actually hurt just like sticks and stones. Today we will talk about this important issue. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In relationships and marriages we spend a lot of time working on getting the communication and the connection between two people just right. This is a good thing for lots of reasons. It is good to connect on an emotional level. It is good for the kids, good for families, good for your ability to balance work, friends, and families.
However, did you know that relationships that are happy can also have a positive impact on your health. This is the piece that most people don’t know, but new scientific research has shown a correlation between an unhappy relationship and your physical health.
A study from Ohio State University’s Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research worked with 42 couples. They made some tiny suction wounds on on their hands. Then the couples were asked to talk about a tense subject. The researchers also paid attention to the way in which they argued and how long it took for the couple to bounce back.
The results of this study were somewhat astounding. They discovered that couples whose disagreements were marked with lots of criticisms, put downs, interrupting had wounds that healed 40% slower than those couples whose disagreements still had lots of listening, respect, humor, and the ability to move on.
This study and others like it also showed that for women the results are even more tough. Women according to study are biologically have a different reaction to hostility for a couple of reasons:
- Women tend to evaluate negativity accurately while men are somewhat oblivious.
- Men forget exchanges rather quickly while women can replay them over and over again.
The same researchers at Ohio State also did another study of newlywed couples and looked at stress hormone release after an argument or disagreement.
In this study they found that, the stress hormones like cortisol and other remained elevated. For women, the levels remained elevated much longer.
Other studies, especially one from the University of Utah also took a closer look at women and what is known as metabolic syndrome and the issues surrounding that as it relates to happy and unhappy relationships.
According to the Mayo clinic, Metabolic syndrome is a cluster of conditions, increased blood pressure, high blood sugar, excess body fat especially around the waist, high cholesterol and triglyceride levels. All of these factors contribute to the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and stroke.
So back to the study – men and women were both assessed for what they saw as positive and also what they saw as negative in their marriage. Interestingly enough, a higher percentage of women that had depression about their marriage were more likely to have metabolic syndrome than men. Again suggesting that while marital strain is tough for each gender, that it is tougher on women.
So what does all this mean? To put it bluntly, you will suffer health consequences and even have the potential to die an early death if relationship problems are not corrected.
Did you know that the secret to living longer may be held in your social life. According to a Ted Talk by Susan Pinker which is linked in the Resources section, she cited an interesting study that pointed this out.
- The tiny Italian island of Sardinia has six times as many centenarians (100+ year olds) as does the mainland and ten times as many as North America
- It was discovered that two of the keys to long life there centered around being social integrated and also close relationships. Believe it or not, things like not smoking, not drinking, exercising were found to not have as strong a link as these social and relationship components.
What can you do to fight against these issues?
- First recognize the cycles of arguments that you get into with each other. Notice the ways in which you each react and respond. There is no doubt a pattern that you will see emerge in how you escalate.
- Secondly, work to know what your triggers are. Maybe things don’t go well between the two of you when you have already been chewed out at work or if one of the kids is sick. You may react to something different when you are under other stress. Instead of reacting, make it known in a respectful calm way that you are stressed and that another time to discuss would be helpful.
- Ask your partner for what you need. If that is to be talked to more gently or to be heard a bit more then ask for that. Talking about how you argue when you are calm can go much better typically. It is not full proof but can help.
Just remember, your constant escalation of arguments that cause bitterness and resentment are also affecting your body. Also remember the way in which you speak to partner also has been shown to correlate with their physical health. Think about this the next time you discussion starts to get off the rails.

Resources

The High Price of a Bad Relationship Bad Marriages Harder on Women's Health The Secret To Living Longer by Susan Pinker – Ted Talk Video

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

48: What We Need to Be a Happy Couple Jul 03, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses what we need in relationships. The talk today is based on a book called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn. The author has done extensive work to survey couples in all sorts of relationship stages to distill what is helpful and what is not. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The book called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn focuses on her work in surveying hundreds of couples regarding what makes them happy. She did lots of work in conjunction with other researchers as well to get at her results
What she discovered is that happy and healthy couples do very small things that add up over time. Additionally, sometimes they have a difficult time putting into words what they are doing unlike unhealthy couples who can pinpoint issues much more easily.
With every question she asked, she would also ask if the couple was either Highly Happy, Mostly Happy, or a Struggling Couple. The results are very interesting and we will take a look at a few today.
Let’s first talk about what she discovered where the 5 actions that were most meaningful for a man to see from his partner. They are:
- 1. His wife notices his effort and thanks him for it.
- 2. She says, “You did a great at (fill in the blank)
- 3. She mentions in front of other people something he did well
- 4. She shows that she physically desires him and that he pleases her sexually.
- 5. She makes it known to him that he makes her happy.
Now let’s talk about what fills a woman’s love tank the most. They are:
- 1. He takes her hand often especially when out and about.
- 2. Leaves her a positive message by voicemail, email, or text
- 3. Puts his arm around her or lays his hand on her knee in public
- 4. Tells her she is beautiful
- 5. Pulls himself out of a bad mood. Instead of blowing up or withdrawing, he recognizes how he feels and works himself out.
- 3. She mentions in front of other people something he did well
- 4. She shows that she physically desires him and that he pleases her sexually.
- 5. She makes it known to him that he makes her happy.
She also discovered that if you believe your partner truly cares about you and has your best interests, then when difficult arises it is quickly dealt with and moved on from.
Believing the best about your partner or giving them the benefit of the doubt also led to couples reporting being happier and healthier. In other words when your partner is late from work, your first thought should hopefully be that she must be working hard or when he forgets to cut the grass, thinking that he must have his mind on other things can go a long way toward what perspective we have.
Resolving conflict quickly was also reported by happier couples. Those that let conflict linger or “go to bed angry” report that they are struggling. Sometimes though you have to go bed, and if you can agree to resolve the issue the next day that can help as well.
Couples who don’t keep score of the negative aspects or negative incidents also report to be happier and healthier. Rather focusing on the positive that has occurred.
In conjuction with not keeping score, this is sort of my own thought but being able to voice needs in a non-critical way is also important. This means if we need the housework to be split more equitably then we can voice that need without tearing our partner down. Couples who can do this report being more happy and healthy.
Stopping bad trains of thought also help. This means that when something is done and said that we don’t nurse and rehearse. Nursing means to continue to cycle back around the hurt and rehearse means thinking hard about what we will say in response.
Happy couples also report that they do not put unreasonable expectations on their spouse. Sometimes mindreading can enter into this one. So we might think, doesn’t she realize how hard I work and because of that she needs to do more to thank me. But what if you partner doesn’t know how you feel? Tell them.
A signal to tell each other, that “we are okay” is also reported by happy couples. This could be an actual hand signal, a look, or humor for example.
The book has lots more information beyond this and we have only begun to scratch the surface of what she found. I would highly recommend you pick up a copy. I will put a link to the book in the show notes.

Resources

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

47: Is Technology Bringing Us Closer Together or Driving Us Further Apart Jun 26, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how technology including phones, tablets, computers, and of course television continue to invade our lives and families. He also discusses ways to limit this and connect more as a couple and a family. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Did you know that the average American spends over 10 hours a day of screen time. This includes television, smart phone, computer, tablet, DVR, DVD, Video Games, and other multimedia devices. Wow that is a lot of time devoted to these! Now of course there is some overlap with work and school being devoted to learning and getting things done, but it is still a lot of time.
Society has also changed the way we communicate with each other. Face to face meetings where you are physically present have become more rare. Telephone calls are also becoming more rare. Even emailing which was once said to have replaced these is now itself being replaced by texting, instant messaging, snapchatting, and all sort of other iterations of online communications.
I heard somewhere that 70% of couples report that technology has caused problems in their relationship. It could be that time spent on devices has simply increased the disconnection that the couple feels. There are also instances of connecting with other individuals that eventually turn into emotional or even physical affairs.
Of course many people now meet and start relationships online that eventually move into face to face relationship, so it is no wonder that some don’t give this up even after they are married. There is also much less stigma surrounding meeting online because it is so much more accepted.
Regarding kids, there are studies out there that link mental health issues likes increased depression and anxiety with increased screen time. Now to be sure the causation has not been established, because it may be hard to detect which is the cause. Is increased screen time causing depression, or does depression cause kids to turn to increased screen time. Studies are continuing to be done.
The millennial generation are also reducing face to face time at a significant rate. Instead they continue the conversations from school to online forums in the evening. As we know this has resulted in kids being unable to get away from bullying in which they are not walking away from issues at school.
What can you do to reduce the hindrance that screen time may be having? Some of these thing are quite obvious but they bear repeating.
Begin by tracking your technology time. Simply knowing and understanding how much you use can go a long way to motivating people to make changes.
First, have a conversation with the family about the effect that screen time may be having on relationships within the family, outside the family, and on the productivity regarding work or school.
Brainstorm ways to reduce usage. Make sure to allow your kids to brainstorm with you. At this stage, tell them that nothing is off the table and that all ideas are valued. Later you can begin to look at how realistic the ideas are.
In addition to brainstorming ways to reduce technology make sure to also brainstorm what you will do instead. Maybe some nights kids can play, some nights they can read, some nights you can play games as a family. Remember to mix up and give the family variety so that every night is not the same.
Make a contract that each member of the family can sign noting what kinds of screen times they can have, when they can have it, and for how long.
Make dinner a no technology time. Use this time to ask open ended questions about the day and how each person is doing.
Here is one I just learned recently that is helping me. On most smart phones there is setting that you can turn your screen grayscale. It definitely makes the phone less appealing and I am finding I am spending a bit less time on it solely because of this. Some studies suggest doing this reduces screen time by about 15%.
Have regular check-ins to assess how everyone is doing. Give praise when you notice screen time has been reduced.
No doubt technology has a place in our lives and there is little to no chance that most of us will be able to remove it completely from our lives. However, I hope today’s episode can help you think more about this issue and then implement some things together to help reduce the dependence on this.

Resources

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

46: What to Do When You Have Trouble With Your Significant Other’s Family Jun 19, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how difficult it can be to get along with your partner’s family. You come from different backgrounds, have different perspectives, different personalities, and maybe bitterness and resentment have entered. Today we discuss these issues includes ways that you can cope and hopefully make things a bit better. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Navigating the relationships with your significant other’s family can be one of the hardest things you will ever do. You have entered the picture as maybe the second or third spouse and so there already be some animosity from the very beginning.
Today we will discuss the reasons that it can be difficult to get along and then talk about ways in which you can help make these relationships at worst tolerable and hopefully at best almost as connected as some of your biological family relationships.
Let’s explore the main reasons that there can be difficulty with these new relationships.
- Your Partner’s Family really liked (and still do) the prior spouse
- You have different perspectives on time spent together
- Personalities are different in that maybe you are more laid back and your partner’s family is more go-go-go. Of course the opposite could be true.
- The family enjoys different activities. For example your partner’s family loves the outdoors like camping and fishing, but you despise those activities and enjoy more short picnics.
- The family may be on edge regarding your partner being hurt in the past and so they may reflect that on you.
- Possibly most important you may have brought baggage in regarding your feelings about the in-laws if you had difficulties with your prior spouses family.
So what to do about this? Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a magic wand that we could wave to make the relationship go exactly they way we would want? Life would be so easy if everyone just did things the way we did, but alas that we know is a fallacy.
Here instead are some ways you can cope and at least have things go a bit better if only in your mind and emotions around the issues.
Make sure you are united with your spouse. This is most important. Be in agreement about how to handle scenarios before they come up.
Be nice. This one is hard but sometimes this will trigger better responses in people.
Remember that sometimes that activities don’t always have to be what you like. Bonding with the family is more important. Of course there should be a balance in that the family should reciprocate and do things you enjoy.
Don’t take what is happening personally. Mentally shift your perspective to realize that there may be things they are dealing with or struggling with that are much more complicated than being about you. Maybe your partner’s family don’t typically verbalize thank you’s for the things you do. Again shifting to realize that this is an issue with them and not you.
Have some discussions with them if you see that these other things are not working. Of course make sure to not attack or criticize. Be concrete if you are describing actions that they took in certain situations. This may not change things but at least you can try to clear the air somewhat.
Remember to think before you speak because it is hard to take things back. Sometimes when we are upset we will say things we don’t necessarily mean.
Ultimately remember that difficulty in getting along with your partner’s family means that you will have difficulty in getting along with your spouse. Invariably issues will come up between the two of you regarding things that have happened with the family.
This is not easy and some of these ideas may not work in your specific situation. The one thing that can work is changing your perspective as best you can.
As a final resort you may have to implement boundaries. Take a listen to Episode 20 where I discussed more about boundaries and what they are and how to implement them.

Resources

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

45: How Much Should You Communicate With Your Ex Jun 12, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how communicating with an ex spouse or ex partner can be complicated especially when a new relationship is present. Brian talks about the reasons why exes may stay in touch. He also discusses research regarding how new relationships do when communication with an ex-partner is happening. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Sometimes it is inevitable that you or your partner must communicate with each other. Obviously if children are involved communication must still take place. However just because this must happen doesn’t mean it will be easy. There are of course lots of other reasons that people will stay in touch with an ex-partner as well.
Let’s explore the main reasons that someone may keep in touch with an ex-spouse.
- Have Children Together
- Work Together
- Business Partners
- The relationship ended amicably and want to maintain a friendship
- There are still romantic feelings present
- There are mutual friends and social circles
As we discussed some of the reasons, I can almost guess that depending on whether you stayed close to your ex-partner or are in a position where your current partner is staying close to their ex-partner that it probably brought up completely different feelings.

How do these reasons play out in the current relationship?

In a couple of studies by Lindsay Rodriguez, she looked at how often they communicate with an ex-partner, why they maintain this contact, and the ultimate outcome of the current relationship. I will link to a great article in Psychology Today that discusses this study and our topic today in more detail.
So we have already discussed some of the reasons that ex-partners stay in contact. Let’s now discuss what the biggest reason for continued contact is according to the study.
The biggest reason that people stay in contact with an ex-spouse has to do with their feelings toward that person and toward that relationship. They were also more prone to stay connected if the breakup was more positive. One final reason for communication is not moving past the break-up.
Now what might all of this say about your current relationship and how healthy it is?
- The study showed the communication alone was not a determinant of the feelings toward the current partner or the relationship.
- However, the frequency of that contact did have an impact.
Should you keep in contact with an ex-spouse?
- The reasons behind why you are doing so are most important.
- Additionally, you should take into consideration your current partner’s feelings on the matter.
- Other research was quoted in the article that says that it can be more difficult to get over feelings if you are in constant communication with an ex-partner.
As with most issues, there is no real right or wrong except when it comes to the motives behind the contact. Unfortunately these motives can often be hidden in a current relationship and so making it tougher to come together.
If unhealthy motives are not the issue then clearly some compromise whether each of you may give a little on the issue might be the best course of action.

Resources

What’s Going On When Stay in Touch with Your Ex

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

44: Learn to Respect Each Other's Differences Jun 05, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how not respecting each other’s differences can lead to the same result as our previous marriages. In a remarriage, it is highly likely over time you have built certain opinions and attitudes around a variety of subjects. This is not the issue. The issue is whether we can dialogue and respect each other through these differences. We hope you enjoy today’s episode! For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In marriage relationships, differences of opinions are going to come up all the time. In fact, if you have no differences then it may be argued that you aren’t spending enough time together.
According to couples researcher John Gottman, couples face two kind of issues. Yes, that is right you can put your differences into one of two categories.
The first kinds of problems couples face are the solvable kind. These are the easy things in life like who is going to make dinner or who will drop the kids off at school or who will mow the yard. So within a few minutes of discussion you can come to a conclusion and find a mutually agreeable solution to the problem.
Now, the same problems for some couples might be easily solvable but for others these kinds of problems might not be so easily solvable.
This brings us to a second kind of problem. These problems are known as perpetual problems. These problems have no easy solution. Every time one of you attempts to bring these issues up, you end up hitting brick walls. Eventually you begin to feel isolated, distant and lonely if too many of these issues start to pile up.
Perpetual problems might be centered around how much time you devote to one another versus alone or with friends. It might center around your sexual desires including type of things you might like to try. It could involve parenting styles and types of disciplines.
These perpetual problems tend to not get solved because person views them as a “right or wrong” proposition. In other words rather than trying to work through the issues, each of you become more and more entrenched thinking your partner is so skewed and wrong in his or her thinking.
There are three reasons why perpetual problems exist:
- Differences in personality. One example could involve a difference in extroversion versus introversion. In this case one of you might prefer to stay at home most of the time and one of you might like to go out more.
- Differences in upbringing and differences in your childhood experiences. If you were disciplined heavily and your every move was scrutinized, then you will almost assuredly have the view that your children should be parented in this way. Conversely if you were given more slack, you will tend to do the same as you parent.
- Differences in world view. This can often stem from how you were brought up as children but can also be developed as you get older as well. Probably the easiest explanation for this would center on political views. If one of you is more heavily left leaning on the political spectrum and one of you leans heavily right, then you will almost certainly disagree on much in this area.
You might be extremely surprised to know that Gottman says that around 70% of all issues that couples face are those that are perpetual. Only 30% are solvable. So what are we to do? Give up? No, I will give you three things to do regarding perpetual issues.
Slow Down. Sometimes we are too quick to get emotionally in a disagreement with our spouse. Take some time to really listen to what your partner is saying. Ask yourself and feel free to ask your partner where this opinion comes from or why it is so important to them. Finding the answers to these questions can sometimes lead to realize that something that holds a significant meaning for your partner can help change your perspective.
Agree to Disagree. This one sometimes trips people up and they think that each must walk away mad. If you can have conversations with each other about the fact that you will often disagree, then knowing this option is available can help. Now of course you may still need to work some solution out but being respectful about it can be a big help.
Compromise. Uncover areas where you are not willing to compromise and share those. Also uncover areas where you can compromise. See if those areas where you can bend some will be just enough to solve the issue.
Think about the problem as the problem. Your spouse is not the issue, the issue is. So if you can shift your perspective and it is really effective if both of you can shift your perspective, then this can sometimes bring a solution to the surface.
Just remember you cannot avoid issues in your marriage. That is not the goal. If that were the goal then I would tell to live like roommates in separate rooms with separate bank accounts with separate lives. So don’t get yourself down if your are bumping into each other on many issues.
Think about what we talked about today including the ways in which you can work with perpetual issues in your relationship.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s message.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

43: Remarriage When Your Spouse Has No Children May 29, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks from personal experience about remarrying someone who did not have children of her own. This dynamic can often create an imbalance in how life is viewed by both partners. Often, the person entering into the marriage without becoming a step parent, can often take for granted the difficulty the new spouse has in step parenting. We will discuss things to watch for how to be helpful in this situation when one person has children and the other does not. Enjoy today’s episode! For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s episode, we will discuss what it is like from the perspective of the spouse who remarries a person without children.
Pew Research says that about 40% of Americans call someone “step” meaning the true nuclear family has divided and that one or both parents have moved on to a new relationship.
Did you know that one of the more famous individuals who married with no children of his own but had 2 stepchildren was George Washington. Now technically his marriage to Martha was his one and only, but it was Martha’s second. She was married to Daniel Custis until his death. She was married to Custis from 17-25. They had 4 children together but only 2 survived toyoung adulthood – John (Jacky) and Martha (Patsy). Her first husband died and they had 4 children together. However only 2 survived a
Like the Washington’s, one of the spouses may enter a second marriage without children. This can be the result of all sorts of reasons whether it be decisions that were made to not have children, medical issues, or maybe the divorce happened before the couple was ready to have children.
If blending families were not difficult enough when one spouse has children and the other does not it can certainly cause even more difficulty in coming together.
Interestingly for me in my two marriages, I was a step parent in my first marriage but not in my second marriage. This is of course flipped from what is normal. But then again what is truly normal in a blended family?
There are certain things to watch out for when you are the spouse entering into the marriage without taking on additional children.
Taking for granted how much easier it is for you than it is for your spouse. This can often cause resentment in the case of both of you, because you can quickly forget how different your spouse has it with this new dynamic.
Obviously discipline differences are fraught with all sorts of pitfalls. In some cases, not being unified in how you parent is a major issue. In some cases not discussing who might be the main disciplinarian can be an issue. Some research says that if your children are 6 or older, it will be difficult for them to take discipline from a stepparent.
Expecting your spouse and child to bond quickly. Just remember you have had several years and in some cases 14 or 15 years to build a bond with your child. Often your spouse does not have this luxury. Be patient with the upset that your child and spouse may present to you.
Not letting your spouse create his/her own unique ways to bond. Sometimes it’s easy to tell your spouse that what he/she is planning won’t fit your child. Let your spouse experiment with activities and things they can do together apart from you. This will help your child and spouse create something special that has meaning only for them.
Limiting your expectations will help you keep your sanity. This may sound counterintuitive, because we all want things to work out and work out quickly. However, blended families are often like crock pots (that sometimes get unplugged from time to time!) rather than microwaves. Take things slowly and remember that it can take years for your child and spouse to bond.
Your job is not easy certainly in juggling your children’s and your spouse’s feelings. Just remember everyone in this new blended family will struggle. You are all in the foxhole together. Just continue to listen and communicate with each other regularly. Realize that everyone’s reality is valid and work to accept it.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s message.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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