The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

42: Couples Mindfulness Exercise - Mindfulness Mini-Series Part 3 of 3 May 22, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer helps you as a couple to increase your connection and intimacy with this mindfulness exercise. Often in a blended family, we do not take time as a couple to be mindful of each other and our feelings. In this exercise, you will both tune into the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself and toward each other. You can return to this episode again and again when you feel like you connection between each other is fading. In fact, it is recommended to return to it every day if you need it. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s session, we are in part 3 of our Mindfulness series. In session 40, we introduced mindfulness and in session 41 we did an individual mindfulness exercise to calm our minds and really get in tune with what is happening with our thoughts and feelings. In this session 42, we will do a mindfulness exercise for couples. You are your partner should do this together.
Remember mindfulness is simply becoming more aware of the present moment. In reality this is the only moment we really have. The past has already happened and the future will never really get here. Ensuring that we fully engage with what is happening in our mind and body in the present moment will ensure we don’t miss what is truly important.
So for this exercise to work well there are a few things you each need to do to prepare.
First, make sure you are both in a quiet place without interruption. So hopefully the kids are either in bed fast asleep or out of the house completely.
Turn off all distractions like the television and your phones.
If you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally because of an argument with each other or maybe some other stressor you might want to take a few moments to help each other calm down.
You will be standing during this exercise unlike the previous individual mindfulness exercise in which you were either sitting or lying down.
You should be in a larger room because you will first stand together back to back and then take about 4 steps away from each other. So you might want to get in a place first and try that to see that you have the room.
So once you have prepared yourself and the area you are both ready to begin. So let’s begin now.
Stand back to back in the middle of the room. Make sure your backs in some places are touching each other. Take some breaths in and out. What does it feel like to stand back to back? What thoughts are you having? What feelings are arising?
Each of you should take one step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. Remember when you were touching? What do the areas feel like now that you are not touching? Take a scan of your body. What are you sensing. What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories? Remember no need to judge these. Just accept them as they are.
Each of you should take another step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. Remember when you were touching? What do the areas feel like now that you are not touching? Take a scan of your body. What are you sensing. What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories?
Each of you should take a third step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. What are you sensing? What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories? Is your mind wandering? If so this is ok. Just bring it back to the present moment.
Each of you should take a fourth step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. What are you sensing? What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories? Is your mind wandering? If so this is ok. Just bring it back to the present moment.
Now turn around and take one step toward your partner. Take some breaths in and out. Now look at your partner in the eyes. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Whatever it is simply notice it. Do not worry about changing it.
Take a second step toward your partner. Take some breaths in and out. Now look at your partner in the eyes. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Whatever it is simply notice it. Do not worry about changing it.
Take a third step toward your partner. Take some breaths in and out. Now look at your partner in the eyes. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Whatever it is simply notice it. Do not worry about changing it.
Take a step toward your partner until you are standing chest to chest. Take some breaths in and out. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? How does it feel to stand this close to your partner?
You can now arise from this exercise, by taking a step back. Powerful thoughts and emotions can be stirred during this time. Did you feel any walls? Did you feel any vulnerability?
Journaling by writing or drawing about your thoughts feelings and sensations can be helpful at this time.
Once you have completed that, discuss with your partner what you were thinking and feeling. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable. Remembering that you each are being very vulnerable right now by opening your hearts.
I hope this exercise in particular has been helpful. Remember to return to this session, which is session 42 as often as you need when you feel you need to reconnect with each other.
I have really enjoyed this mini-series as it has given us a chance to slow down in this hectic life. I feel better, do you?

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

41: Individual Mindfulness Exercise - Mindfulness Mini-Series Part 2 of 3 May 15, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer helps you reduce stress and increase calm with this mindfulness exercise. Living in a blended family can be chaotic. It can feel like the needs of the family are never ending. Take time for yourself with this exercise that will help you slow down and be more focused on the present moment. You can return to this episode again and again when you feel stressed. In fact, it is recommended to return to it everyday if you need it. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s session, this is something different from every other episode we have ever done. Rather than sharing lots of information, we are going to simply slow down by doing a 20 minute or so mindfulness exercise. If you have not listened to the previous episode which is Session 40, I would highly recommend you do this first. That episode will give you an introduction into mindfulness.
Before we begin make sure that you are not doing something else especially anything that requires your full attention like driving or taking care of the needs of others. If this is then case, then return to this at a time when you can devote 20 minutes without distractions.
Make sure to put away all distractions and to put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” if you can. In this exercise, you will be doing this on your own.
Ok, let’s work on beginning.
Find a comfortable place to either sit with feet on the floor and legs uncrossed. You can even lie down if you would like. Gently move your body around until you get comfortable. Once you feel settled, I want you to take a deep breath in, hold it for a few counts, and then exhale.
Take another deep breath, hold it, now exhale. Again take another deep breath, hold it, now exhale. Once more take a deep breath, hold it, now exhale.
Now close your eyes if you have not already done so.
Shift your focus to your body. Do you notice anything? Simply take note. You are not trying to change anything. Simply notice bodily sensations.
Take a deep breath in, hold it, now exhale.
Now just simply breath as normal. Follow your breath. Feel the cool air enter and then as you exhale feel the warm air as it leaves. Simply be with your breath.
Has your mind wandered? If so that is okay. Return to your breath.
Are there any feelings that are coming up for you right now? If so notice them without trying to change them.
Return back to your breath. Noticing the stomach rising and falling with each breath.
Have you gotten carried off by any thoughts. Maybe there is a worry or a plan for the day that you got swept away by. It’s okay, simply return back to your breath.
Picture your thoughts like clouds drifting in the sky. When we choose to linger on a thought it is as it has stopped moving and is now lingering. When you realize you are being swept away by a thought, simply return back to your breath. Allow the thought to simply drift away.
For the remaining time, I am going to go away. I want you to continue to focus on your breath and your body. If sensations arise in your mind of your body, simply take note of them. There is no need to change them. If you find yourself getting carried away with your thoughts or feelings, it’s okay just return back to your breath.
It is time now to prepare yourself to arise from this exercise. Slowly open your eyes. Maybe have a little stretch.
How did you do? How did that feel? If you found yourself being distracted by your thoughts, this is completely normal especially if you just started to practice this.
This mindfulness exercise is not a quick fix, but rather a longer term solution to help with stress, worry and anxiety. You may consider returning to this everyday if you need it.
So that is all for today. I know you have either gotten your day off to a good start by doing this or maybe this is an ending or you may have even needed this in the middle of a hectic day. Whatever works for you, just keep at it.
Remember next week’s session will be a similar exercise, but in Session 42 I want you to do this together as a couple if you with someone right now. If not keep repeating this session as needed.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

40: Intro to Mindfulness - Mindfulness for Remarriage Mini-Series Part 1 of 3 May 08, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses stress and lots of things going on in our lives can get in the way of working on an issue in the present. When we are stressed, our mind often goes into the past where guilt lies or it leaps into the future where anxiety and worry reside. In part 1, Brian introduces mindfulness and how it can help you concentrate on the things most important right in front of you. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s session, we start a 3 part mini-series on Mindfulness. In part 1 we will talk about what it is and why it is important. Then our next episode which is Session 41 we will be devoted to an individual mindfulness exercise that you can do to help reduce stress and feel more relaxed In the final part of the mini-series, session 42 will be devoted to a couples mindfulness exercise that you can do together that will help strengthen your connection. You can listen to these episodes anytime you need to increase focus and attention on the present moment.
Our minds are constantly moving and thinking about all sorts of things even things we don’t realize. Did you know that many researchers say that we have somewhere between 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. This means we might have different thought every 30 to 45 seconds.
Because our minds are like computers it can be both a positive and a negative. It can mean we can multi-task but it can also mean we get bogged down in feeling stuck. This becomes problematic when we are engaged in conversations that get heated with our children or our spouse.
There are two major theories on how to treat our unwanted thoughts. We can either work hard to stop them or we can simply notice them and let them pass by. Mindfulness is all about the latter in that it is all about seeing the thoughts and letting them float by.
We often subconsciously believe that our thoughts must be our reality or that they are the truth. For example, my current spouse is doing similar things that my ex-spouse did therefore he or she must be having an affair. Or my son is not telling me all I need to know therefore he must be hiding something.
Of course don’t dismiss facts that you see in life or overlook things, but remember to constantly be checking in to your thoughts. Are these thoughts rooted in reality or did they occur because I am stressed, we are not communicating, it reminds me of something that happened in the past, it makes me worry about our lives moving forward, a close friend just passed away, and on and on it goes.
Mindfulness while it has Eastern Buddhist roots has been adapted to a more Western cultural fit. Mindfulness is simply recognizing our thoughts like clouds in the sky. They are separate and apart from us and most times not our reality. We can see them floating by and we can make the decision of whether or not we want to engage with them.
If I am a Christian, does mindfulness mean I am praying to some other God? You can practice mindfulness, but focus on your thoughts and letting them float by or you can see your thoughts and distractions as they float by and then choose to return your focus to God.
Does Mindfulness mean I stop praying. The answer to this is also No. You should use prayer as the number one method for communication with God. Mindfulness is simply a supplemental technique that can help you recognize when your thoughts are whisking you away to an unhelpful place.
The problem with our thoughts is that they often drive how we feel. When we are tossed to and fro by our thoughts, a whole host of feelings like fear, worry, upset, anger, loneliness, and others can bubble up.
Mindfulness can also help you in your conversations with your kids, your stepchildren, your spouse, your ex-spouse, your ex-spouse’s spouse, your friends, your colleagues, and your boss.
In the next couple of episodes we will practice some mindfulness exercises and I can almost guarantee that you will come through more relaxed and at peace. If you practice them with regularity, you will begin to be able to more quickly release a thought that you begin to feel carried away by. This can result in more joy, peace, and content.
Get ready for the next 2 episodes to be used again and again when you feel stressed or need a time-out from a difficult conversation with a family member.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

39: 4 Stepfamily Myths to Stop Believing May 01, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses the pressure we put on ourselves believing that a new stepfamily will blend quickly or that there is some secret sauce we must learn to make it happen. In this episode he discusses 4 Myths about stepfamilies that if we will stop believing, can help us feel less stressed and less responsible for difficulties in this new system. We hope you enjoy today’s message. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Entering into a new stepfamily or blended family is hard stuff. There is no way around how difficult it can sometimes be to see that everyone is on the same page and functioning in a healthy way. Research says that it takes 5-7 years for blended or step families to function like a biological or nuclear family. In some instances, the new family will never full develop into something that looks exactly like the biological family.
Today we will talk about 4 Common Myths that many of us believe about stepfamilies. These myths are discuss in the Prepare Enrich program for couples. I use this program in my couples counseling and coaching to help couples work through all sorts of practical areas of concern in their relationship. These myths are found in the Prepare Enrich workbook and I will attach a link in the Resource section of these show notes.
Myth #1 – We love each other as spouses and so this love will flow down throughout the children. Do not be surprised if this bond and love takes time and as I keep mentioning it may never happen. This is not your fault. It is the situation and the different life that the children have been placed.
Myth #2 – This marriage will be better. The goal should always be that you will do better this time around. You will have learned from your mistakes of the past and you will know what to do and what not to do. The problem is that as humans it can be hard to break out of the patterns from the past. The best thing you can do is recognize them and then slowly begin to work them out of your life.
Myth #3 – The children will feel happy just like we do. Again the hope is that they do and a small percentage will actually be happy. However most children feel disoriented and sometimes downright resentful of this new situation. It will simply take time for children to become accustomed to the new normal and settle into new routines and patterns.
Myth #4 – The stepparent and stepchildren will quickly bond just as a biological parent and child would. As a stepparent there is certainly anxiety about doing all you can to increase the bond. Additionally stepparents sometimes will completely begin acting like a biological parent by immediately giving the child expectations and disciplining. This is a mistake to do this too quickly. A trusting relationship should be developed first. Only thing can you begin to enforce rules. One important thing to do those is have unity with your spouse on these matters. The worst thing to do is hang each other out to dry by showing the kids you have different perspectives on expectations.
Take it slow and reduce your internal expectations of what you will see unfold. This will help reduce your stress and anxiety to make this work. Just relax and try to have as much fun in the present moments which are moments you cannot get back. Stop feeling guilty and shamed over the past and worrisome and anxious and live the satisfaction of this present which is all we really have.
You can do this, I know you can. Patience and Perserverance in everything you do by creating stability, consistency and structure.

Resources

Prepare Enrich Workbook for Couples: This workbook is loaded with lots of great exercises for you to do with your spouse to increase your bond and live the kind of marriage you want.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

38: Parenting Through the Guilt of Divorce Apr 24, 2018

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses a very common parenting issue after divorce. The way in which we parent our own biological children can change after a divorce. Sometimes there is a thought that if we are tough on our children are parents sometimes should be that it will cause even more pain for the child. Not so says Brian as children still need firm boundaries so that they might grow up to be productive adults. We hope you enjoy today’s message. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Moving past a divorce is one of hardest things to do in life. For some people it can actually take years. This period of mourning and grieving the loss can often seep into a new relationship and the new blended family that formed.
One common symptom of this grieving occurs in the way your own biological children are parented. Divorced parents often change the firmness with which they parent for fear that they are harming the child even more so. In other words, there is a thought that “haven’t I done enough to my child through this divorce.”
As a result of this change, you begin to give in more allowing the boundaries they the child operates in to become larger and larger. You may not realize this but you have now begun to parent from a place of guilt rather than from a healthy place.
The change is a result of helping you to feel better and so you begin to project that on to your child. The issue with this is that it is only a temporary solution.
The longer a child is parented in a way in which they get whatever they want will only lead to trouble later in their teen years and into early adulthood when they have to interact with other adults.
What can you to do to get yourself out of this trap?
- Connect with people in similar situations. Find support groups especially at your church. If your church does not have one then think about building something if only informally.
- Parent your child by looking at the present and into the future rather than focusing on the past. Being mindful of what is happening in the present can help you give appropriate consequences to bad behavior. Additionally looking at how your child will be in the future can help you make the tough decisions now. Focusing on the past especially if you feel lots of guilt and shame (which is very common by the way and so don’t beat yourself up!) can make it hard to parent in a healthy way.
- Lean on your current spouse for their thoughts. This is a tough one because you may have differing parenting styles already but once again approaching your spouse from a position of gathering as much information as you can to make the best decisions possible is what you will want to do.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

37: Sound Relationship Habits Part 3 of 3 Conflict Management and Life's Dreams Apr 17, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s message, which is part 3 of the series we discuss Level 5 – Managing Conflict, Level 6 – Make Life’s Dreams Come True, and Level 7 – Create Shared Meaning. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Sound Relationship House Level 5 – Conflict Management. Healthy relationships don’t avoid conflict and sometimes they don’t resolve it. Healthy relationships can manage conflict. Healthy couples are very good at recognizing the negative cycles and escalation patterns more so than the content of the issue.
- There are 2 types of issues for couples. Solvable problems are generally easy to fix but represent only 30% of the issues couples face. Perpetual problems are those that involve differences in personality, upbringing, and world view – they represent 70% of couples issues and have no real solution.
- When couples become gridlocked they can no longer comfortable talk about the issues. Couples need to get at the underlying core issue in order to understand each other better.
- Keys to conflict management are to watch for harsh startups, attempts to solve or give advice when not asked for, and viewing the partner as the problem and not the problem as the problem.
Level 6 – Make Life’s Dreams Come True. Each of you has a dream individually whether it is to be a better parent, more healthy, or more successful at work, or more spiritually connected. You each have an obligation to the other person to do what you can to help those dreams become a reality. Making life a win-win will help both partners. If life is viewed as you win and I lose, then relationships will soon falter.
Level 7 – Create Shared Meaning. This is the pinnacle of the relationship house and what I call the attic. It can be hard to obtain but is possible. This level is all about creating a legacy for future generations. It occurs when partner works to maximize that person’s interests and not just their own. It is knowing that I have my partner’s back and they have mine. The level is nourished and made possible by showing gratitude and comparing your partner favorably to others.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

36: Sound Relationship Habits Part 2 of 3 - Building a Friendship Apr 10, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s message, which is part 2 of the series we discuss Level 2 – Sharing Fondness and Admiration, Level 3 – Turn Toward Instead of Away, and Level 4 – The Positive Perspective. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Level 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration. Partners must proactively scan around for what each other is doing correctly and then pointing it out. Building a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection and respect. This is considered a direct antidote to Contempt which is one the Four Horsemen.
- Develop a Thanksgiving checklist where you tell your partner 1-3 things per day that you appreciate about them.
- Make it a point to touch your partner everyday in a meaningful way.
Level 3 – Turn Toward Instead of Away. Even small questions and statements are emotional bids for connection. The more often we turn toward and acknowledge our partner the more connected we become. The more we turn away or against these, the less healthy our relationship becomes.
- Discussing work stress and being able to “vent” to each other about stresses outside the relationship is critical.
- Continue to build the emotional love tank by listening and understanding. Don’t try to problem solve or give advice unless asked.
Level 4 – The Positive Perspective. This is really a bonus level that occurs when the first three levels are all working properly. When Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Toward are all a priority and done correctly then life’s little issues usually becoming less of a big deal.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

35: Sound Relationship Habits Part 1 of 3 - Intro & Love Maps Apr 03, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s message, which is part 1 of the series we discuss the background of his research and explore Level 1 of the house which is called Building Love Maps. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There are 6 predictors of divorce. Harsh Startups to Conversation, Presence of the Four Horsemen in Discussion – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, Emotional Flooding, Body Language (physiological responses), Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memories.
Harsh Startups are usually attacks that begin with the word “you.” Conversations that have Harsh Startups end badly about 96% of the time. Use “I feel” statements instead.
The Four Horsemen include Criticism which means we stray from the issue into an attack on our partner. Contempt is name calling, mocking, and eye-rolling. Defensiveness is the attempt to allude the issue at hand and not taking responsibility. Stonewalling occurs when we become emotionally flooding and we check out mentally.
Flooding and Body Language are basically the body’s response to a conflict. Our pulse rate increases and we go into Fight/Flight/Freeze mode. We can no longer problem solve, think creatively, or listen appropriately.
Failed Repair Attempts is anything that is done to help get a conversation or conflict back on track. Like simply saying “I’m sorry” or “Can we start over.” Repairs fails because they are done too late or not often enough.
Bad Memories are harder to control, but they are present because everything has become clouded through the pain of the present. So wedding and honeymoon memories turn sour because of the conflict of today.
Level 1: Building Love Maps. Each partner should build a friendship with their partner by getting to know each other. Asking open ended questions about your partner’s biggest embarrassments, biggest fear, hopes, and dreams can go a long way to knowing your partner.

Resources

Gottman Card Decks available on the App Store at Itunes.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

34: Small Moments in Marriage Can Make Big Impacts Mar 27, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the little moments of attempts for emotional connection in a marriage. Even the simplest of things, like asking you partner if they saw the big accident this morning are actually bids to make a connection. Depending on how we respond to these small bids overtime can steer the marriage to a place of safety or to a place of danger. Brian will share what these are and the options for how to respond. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The moments in a marriage that can make it or break it are the small moments of connections and not the grand shows like a wedding, vacations, or big purchases, I would argue.
The moments we are referring to are small things like, “how was your lunch today” or “did you see the massive downtown fire on the news today” or “did you notice our daughter has been smiling more lately?” These are not just simply questions, but again are something much deeper.
These are referred to as bids for emotional connection or emotional attachment. There have been lots of studies of this attachment idea and that the way in which we attempt to attach to our current partner is complex. It often is a result of how attachment by our caregiver went when we were young. Did they anxious cling to you, did they avoid you, did they dismiss you, or did they provide the right balance of love and boundaries.
How we make or respond to bids can also be impacted by our previous marriage or other relationships. It can also be impacted by our current relationship. Are we encouraged, ignored, or belittled when we make attempts to connect with our partner.
Responding to one bid in a certain way will not make or break your relationship usually unless a bid is met with abuse. In general, it is how over time the responses to these bids go that will determine the relationship outcome. Let’s think about this in terms of your work environment. You ask questions of people on your team and over time if you are met with disdain or are ignored, what will you do? Eventually you will stop coming to that source and move on to someone that responds in a more positive manner to your questions. Same in a marriage relationship!
Lets’s talk about the ways in which we can respond to these emotional bids from our partner. These responses are based on the work and research of John Gottman who has worked with couples for more than 40 years.
- Turning Toward – This can be as simple as acknowledging the request with a “Yes.” Of course remembering that body language and tone are important, but the words don’t have to be grand or verbose.
- Turning Enthusiastically Toward – this is a step beyond Turning Toward. For example, if your partners asks how you dealt with the drive through the snow this morning, you might respond by saying “Wow it was unbelievable, lots of slow movement, several wrecks. I felt really bad for many of the drivers. How did you do this morning, honey?” See how that is different. It shows your partner that what they have said is important and that you care about what they say.
- Turning Away – Just like Turning Toward can be simple, so can this one. Only this one is on the negative end of the spectrum. The most basic example of turning away would be to simply ignore what your partner is saying or sometimes a “huh? as you or they look up from their phone” It basically says, what you say is not terribly important and I don’t want to invest the time in what you have to say.
- Turning Against - This is the worst form of responding to a bid for connection. Not only do you not really care what your partner is saying, but you proceed to attack them for asking or bringing up something up. It might go something like this. “Hey Honey did you see the awful earthquake on the news today?” A Turning Against response might be something like, “No, I don’t watch the news and I really have no idea why you do either. There are plenty of other more productive ways you should be spending your time.” Ouch this one hurts. A few of these, and a total shutdown and wall will soon be built.
Responding to Bids is not rocket science. However, as mentioned previously relationships won’t turn on a few of things but if you are patient and persistent then you should see the ship start to turn.
Some caveats to mention that make the ship turning more difficult include alcohol or substance abuse, a current infidelity, untreated mental health issues, or current abuse. These issues will slow and even stall the impact especially of the more positive turns. So focusing on these issues are also important.
Your challenge for toward is start Turning Toward much more often than Turning Away.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

33: Four Ways to Deal with Relationship Problems Mar 20, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about issues that occur in a romantic relationship. Problems are unavoidable, but there are indeed choices we can make to handle these issues. Brian will talk about the 2 questions you can ask yourself and then out of that will come the 4 options you have in working with the issues the two of you may have. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Conflict and issues in relationships are inevitable. When I hear couples say that they never argue or disagree, then I know there is a problem. More than likely they are not communicating or connecting enough. That being said, it is more in how you manage and/or resolve these conflicts that are important.
To start there are two questions, you should ask to help direct you in figuring out what to do with the problem the two of you are facing. They are as follows:
- Do I have control over this issue?
- Will I work to change what I can in this situation?
These are two very simple but powerful questions. You might think that they are mutually exclusive. In other words, the thought is that if I just control (deal) the issue that I will not have to work to change it, or if I change something it means I no longer deal with it . This is not true and that you can answer yes or no to each question independent of the other.
The answers to your acceptance of the issue and the desire to work toward change, will produce 4 possible outcomes and we will detail them now.
Option 1: Change Perspective/Regulate Emotions. If you answered No to Acceptance, but Yes to Change, then this means you have to turn inward to change your perspective or regulating your emotions. Changing your perspective involves looking at things in new ways. Regulating your emotions may mean doing things like breathing, finding things that are relaxing, or even doing something like counseling.
Option 2: Tolerate the Problem. This happens when you say Yes to Acceptance, but No to Change. Tolerate means that you will allow the existence of the issue without interference. So in other words you choose to go on with your life in spite of the issue being present. This can be tough and will be a day to day battle. The problem may not go away, but that you will learn to live with it. This can happen when you look at the big picture and realize this issue may play a small part and is not worth the attention to change.
Option 3: Stay Miserable. Yuck, who wants this one. However, we often find ourselves at this impasse. When we say No to Acceptance and No to Change, we are often mired in the depths of the problem. This can often happen if we have a negative view of ourselves which in turn creates low self confidence or low self-esteem. Conversely it can also happen when we place to much blame on the other person. This often will cause us to believe that we have no options because the control completely lies with the other person.
Option 4: Solve the Problem. If you answered Yes to Acceptance and Yes to Change, then you know that you have the motivation and ability to fix the problem. In a romantic relationship, this is always best done when you both can attack the problem together. There is much more power when you both unite to work on an issue together. For example, communication that consistently goes sour is an issue that is common when two people live together for any length of time. When you both recognize, accept the issue and make concrete and detailed plans to change then your response to the problem will change.
Just remember, your answers to 2 simple questions regarding acceptance and change can be a powerful indicator in how the issue will ultimately turn out for you.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected