The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

22: Role Reversal in Remarriage Jan 02, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses role reversal in remarriage. Sometimes empathizing and trying to understand your partner’s emotional state from a verbal communication standpoint does not work at least initially. In that case, it is often a good idea to reverse roles from a behavioral standpoint. This might mean swapping chores. It might mean who initiates sex. It might mean flipping responsibilities in decision making or a whole of other areas of life to switch roles. Doing this can begin to help each other fully understand the other person as a human being with similar struggles and not an adversary. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is called Role Reversal. In Hollywood there have been many movies that have this idea of a body swap. As we know the fantasyland of film they can actually create stories where people physically move into another’s body and brain. Think of movies like, “Freaky Friday,” “Change-Up,” “13 going on 30,” or “Big.” Of course we can’t do this in real life, but we can do something similar.
In couples counseling session, I will often work with couples to help them verbalize their emotions and what is going on inside of them. This helps to bring the subconscious to their own conscious awareness and then secondly to bring it to the partner’s awareness. However this can take much time and lots of sessions before each person can get past many roadblocks with themselves and in their relationship before it can be heard correctly.
Often when these roadblocks become difficult to get through, I will often assign a behavioral component outside the therapy room to supplement the verbal connections we are trying to make inside the therapy room. The goal of both of these is to create more awareness of the importance of the emotions that each person brings to the table.
In my own relationship, my wife generally cooks the meals and I generally clean up the dishes and the other messes that we create. Sometimes my verbal statements about the meals are good and sometimes there may be something in my statement that I am either trying to speak negatively to or that it may be construed as that way whether I meant it or not. I will talk about the example of the first meal she ever made for me which was chicken enchiladas. In this case, switching roles so that I might cook more often and she cleans could potentially soften our positions on the issues more.
What types of role reversals can you do? The possibilities are endless.
- Reverse cooking and cleaning
- Reverse other chores, i.e. laundry and yard work
- Reverse who generally changes diapers
- Reverse who puts the kids to bed
- Reverse who initiates sex
- Reverse who works versus who stays home (this might need a temporary say 2 day switch which I explain in the episode)
- Reverse who does the grocery shopping and who plans meals
- Reverse who contacts family and friends to get together
Recommend the role reversal for one week. This will help you get really immersed in what the other person truly has to deal with in this role. This is like anything that if you only do it for a day or two it may not have the profound effect to produce significant change.
I also recommend purchasing a journal called “How I Appreciate You” in which you each take turns writing in the journal and sharing every day what you have written in the journal. This can be a powerful supplement to the behavioral changes you are making.
Debrief after it is over and ask each other these important questions
- How did it go?
- What did you learn?
- What did you learn about your partner?
- What will you do differently in the future with regard to this task?
- What does this mean on a larger scale for our relationship?
The goal here is to not simply switch activities to give each other breaks, but again we are trying to understand each other on a deeper level. If you feel like you are still not getting there then keep at it and consider some couples counseling as well to compliment what you are doing at home.

Resources

How I Appreciate You by Julie Bjelland, LMFT

The above resources are affiliate links, which means that The Remarried Life Podcast receives a percentage of the sale. Your cost does not change. By purchasing these items you are helping cover the cost of expenses to produce this podcast. Thanks in advance for your continued support of the podcast!

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

21: The Golden Ratio in Marriage Dec 26, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses the golden ratio in marriage with regard to positive versus negative interactions. This is especially critical in subsequent marriages when partners tend to be on high alert looking for the negative. Learn practical tips for implementing more positive interactions into your relationship to divorce proof the marriage. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all the Golden Ratio in Marriage. Before I get into that, though I want to talk a little about the Golden Ratio when it comes to math. Not sure who decided this, but the Golden Ratio in a line occurs when you divide the line into two pieces such that the longest piece divided by the shortest piece is the same ratio as the longest piece divided by the entire line.
There are Golden Ratios in all walks of life. In Major League baseball, hitting .400 which means 4 hits for every 10 times to bat is considered the Holy Grail. In the Senate, in order to filibuster proof a bill, there needs to be 60% support. In food, the recipes need the right balance of ingredients in order to make a tasty dish. I remember a friend who made lemon bars in a Home Economics class, by putting a cup of salt rather than a cup of sugar in the mix. Needless to say that was the worst lemon bar I had ever tasted.
There is also a Golden Ratio in Marriage and Relationships. This involves the number of positive things that you do versus the negative things you do to and toward your partner.
John Gottman who has studied couples for more than forty years and is well known for his ability to predict divorce by watching just small portions of a couples interactions, states that there must be at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative to be happy and healthy.
Gottman states that more than 5 is helpful. If a couple is at 2 or 3 to 1 then they are operating as roommates. If the ratio is 1:1 then the couple is heading for divorce.
Why the need for some many more positive interactions? Let’s talk brain science. Elizabeth Kensinger who is a university professor wrote a fantastic article that is linked below in the Resources sections. She quoted research that showed when people are asked to recall details from negative versus positive events, that more details can be recalled when the event is negative. She also discusses how negative events seemed to be more well preserved over a lifetime in our brains. So this is why positive interactions with your partner are critical!
What types of positive interactions can be counted? Really anything can be large or small. It doesn’t always have to be a diamond ring or a trip to Europe. It can be something as simple as an encouraging text for an upcoming stressful meeting, buying a bag of your partner’s favorite candy, doing the laundry if that is typically not your chore. You might come home an hour early one day and spend it with your partner. When you pass each other in the hallway at home reach for a hug and a kiss.
The goal is to pile up the positive interactions so that the love tanks gets filled. The more positive in the tank the less impact that a negative has.
If you are at a loss for what to do I would encourage you to pick up a copy of a book called The Love Dare which talks about taking a 40 day challenge to practice unconditional love. Additional, a book called The Respect Dare is more specifically geared toward women and helping them actively create a deeper connection with husband.

Resources

Article: What We Remember and Forget About Positive and Negative Experiences by Elizabeth A. Kensinger
The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

20: Boundaries in Relationships Dec 19, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses the concept of boundaries in relationships or how to set limits without feeling guilty. Boundaries are easy to talk about but more difficult to implement. It takes practice and lots of encouraging support. You will learn how to set appropriate boundaries so you can live a life of freedom. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all the concept of Boundaries in Relationships in regard to a subsequent marriage that affects more people like biological and step children.
What is a Boundary? A boundary is simply a property line to keep what is yours in and what is not yours out. Think of houses and the property lines that are drawn around each home.
The history around Boundaries started several decades ago when research around how to help people with addictions took off. This research began to take a look at the family system and found enabling behaviors by other family members. This can also be called Co-Dependency.
Out of this co-dependency movement specifically related to addictions, came the term Boundaries and began to be applied to all relationship issues not just addiction issue.
A very helpful book about this topic is simply called Boundaries: How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They have also written one specific to marriages called Boundaries in Marriage.
When healthy boundaries are not in place it can cause issues like depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger. By not implementing an appropriate boundary, you are replacing a temporary discomfort with a more permanent pain.
Boundaries sound easy in theory, but are hard to implement. When we first try to install a boundary on someone that is encroaching we can feel guilty or like we are a bad person. Sometimes we also have this mentality that we must be all things to all people and that is how the Golden Rule works – Do Unto Others as You Would have done to You. However, if you are not healthy first then you are no good to someone else. You will ultimately burn-out if you do not install good boundaries.
Myths of Boundaries According to Cloud and Townsend:
- I am selfish if I install a boundary.
- I am being disobedient if I say No.
- If I set limits, I will be hurt
- I will hurt others
- I’m angry
- I should feel guilty or bad
- Boundaries are Permanent
Learning to not feel responsible for others thoughts, feelings, and actions. For example, the kids being bored is not your responsibility. Now of course day after day, if you never do anything with them then yes that is a problem. But the fact is that they are responsible for how they feel. If we do not allow them to learn to pull themselves out a funk, then they will be stunted in their growth as adults.
Can Love and Boundaries Exist Together: Yes they can. In fact, boundaries actually signal that love exists. Implementing Boundaries shows the other person under what parameters that love can flourish. Inside the boundaries amazing things will happen, outside the boundaries is where individuals can work on themselves.
How Do Implement a Boundary Successfully?
You are One Step Closer because you are listening to this podcast
Get Support. Either find a group or ask a close friend. Role play setting boundaries by being both the boundary setter and the one for whom the boundary is being set.
Do not beat yourself up when you try to set boundaries initially. You may fail and you probably will fail. Boundary setting is a process. You will receive much resistance at first because people will not be used to this.
Final Thoughts
Practice, practice, practice
Know that boundaries will help keep you healthy and in turn will help others recognize how to keep themselves healthy. Think about the
Expect failure and grow from it.

Resources

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

19: Have You Healed from Your Previous Marriage? Dec 12, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses healing from your prior marriage by fully moving through the grieving process before entertaining a new relationship. Everyone grieves differently and the timetable is sometimes not known. However, when you can truly forgive past hurts then you know you can move on. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

An interesting phenomenon is occurring on our roadways that perplexes me. I will come to a red light and a car in the lane next to me is a good 2-4 car lengths behind the car in front of them. I’m not sure I fully understand this? If you have any ideas let me know. However, it does make me think of today’s topic about grief. How does this tie in? I’m glad you asked. Stopping 2-4 car lengths behind is like not wanting to face the reality that a relationship is broken and ended. If we stay stuck in the denial phase of grief we will not be able to move forward.
Today’s episode is all the Grieving Process especially in regard to our previous relationship.

In her book called On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler Ross introduced her 5 stages of grief. This was a result of her sitting with many people who had lost a loved one to death.
- The 5 stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
- Some people have added a 6th stage called Forgiveness.
- Stages of Grief Defined:
  - Denial: The shock of the loss causes our brain to shut down to reality. We go numb and in protection mode. The analogy that best fits here is being given anesthesia during surgery. When we wake up we don’t feel anything. Here I discuss the loss of my mother to death and my marriage to divorce.
  - Anger: When denial wears off, anger occurs. This is a flood of emotions. Underlying anger could be a roller coaster of other emotions. Sadness, fear, and even joy or happiness can sometimes appear. This is likened to when then anesthesia or pain medications wear off during surgery.
  - Bargaining: This is the stage that we might question if there was something we could have done differently to avoid the outcome. Even in death we might question whether we could have encouraged the other person to eat better, stop smoking, or you name it to have changed the situation.
  - Depression: This sets in when we realize there is nothing we could do to change the situation. When it comes to a divorce in fact we may have done things to change to attempt to attract our spouse back. However in the end we cannot sustain these changes, because they are not who we are at the core. Additionally, there is no guarantee they would even be accepted by the other person.
  - Acceptance: This is the final stage where we begin to come out of the woods so to speak. The color returns to the sky, we begin to hear the birds chirping again, and we start to be able to see a future filled with hope and possibilities.
  - Forgiveness: Most people feel like not everyone deserves forgiveness. I don’t believe this to be true, but I believe that forgiveness should be given mostly to help heal ourselves. I have heard it said that unforgiveness is like taking a poison pill and hoping the other person dies. I have also heard someone say, “Unforgiveness is like allowing someone to live in your head rent free and they don’t even know it.” Forgiveness lets ourselves off the hook just as much as it does the other person.

Final Thoughts
- Grieving is not linear meaning you may hop around these stages
- There is no perfect timetable for grieving. For some the process may take a few months and for some it may take a few years.
- If you jump into a relationship without appropriately giving space to grieve the previous relationship, then you will not heal. The next relationship will suffer.
- A loss of relationship can shake faith in a Creator and faith in the world. Our brain tends to believe that if we are good people then nothing bad should happen. When it does we have a difficult time comprehending. For me knowing that ultimately God works all things for good sustains me during times of upset.

Resources

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

18: Pre Blended Family Counseling Dec 05, 2017

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses the importance of counseling prior to blending a family. Due to the complicated structure and the little time that family members have to adjust to the new situation making sure everyone’s opinions and feelings are being accounting for is very important. Being heard and understand can often make up for the extreme difficulty in adjustment that both the spouses and children have to make. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

So I love listening to the radio show of Pastor Greg Laurie. He pastors a very large church in Riverside, California. He will often make mention that he has a face for radio in sort of a self deprecating manner. This got me wondering that since I do an Audio podcast, do I also have a face only fit for radio? This got me thinking back to my teen years and an incident that occurred out on the tennis courts in which a girl around my age asked me to take off my sunglasses and when I did she responded with a deflating, “Oh” as if to say “well that was not what I was expecting.” Talk about deflating! Well anyway, my photo is on the website at www.theremarriedlife.com. You can be the judge but go easy on me!
Today’s episode is all about Blended Families getting counseling before the Blend occurs and how important this is.
Prefamily Counseling Article Written by Jaymes Gonzalez
Gonzales wrote the article while at the Department of Psychology at the University of Alaska Anchorage.
Blended families and couples need counseling probably more so than do pre-marital couples that have never been married and first time married couples. The blended family situation is so complicated and then people are sort of thrust together with a period to get to know each deeply. It is like learning on the fly.
Gonzales proposes 4 stages to the Pre-Blended Family Counseling.
Discovery Stage – Discovering Each Family Member. Again because blended families are often thrust together, this stage of counseling is important. It gives each family member the opportunity to learn more about each other. He proposes an interview of each member during the counseling with such simple questions as “What is your favorite food” to more meaningful questions such as “What is your dream job.” He also discusses getting to know personal habits such as whether or not the individual is a morning person and how much affection such as hugs do they like.

Bonding activities are also important during this stage. He gives an example of everyone helping to make a family flag by each person drawing something special on the flag that is meaningful to them.

Educational Stage – The therapist might assign reading such as books that discuss a specific family’s blended family experience. Children’s books on the subject are also very helpful. Podcasts like this one can also be helpful for couples and families to learn more about the ins and outs of remarriage and blended family life.

Education on normalizing the experience is also important in counseling. Letting each member know that combining families is not easy and will not be perfect. This sometimes has little to do with the specific people involved but more about the complicated dynamic.

One thing that does get lost is that children not only have to adjust to different rules and expectations in one household, but they also have to adjust to a second household.

Time and patience should also be taught in the counseling sessions. Most researchers state that blended families take 5-7 to come together in a strong enough manner to operate like a biological nuclear family.

Parental Unification – The couples needs to discuss their views on parenting before coming together. This includes expectations on discipline. It also includes expectations on interactions with former spouses. The sessions on this piece need to give lots of time for each adult to be able to talk about their feelings on all of these matters. It is important to get these out in the open so that each person can work on how to bring this together before the households are combined.

Gonzales cites some other researchers in saying that when blended families are first formed, each parent should be the primary disciplinarian of their own children, but at some point there should be a gradual move to disciplining of stepchildren.

In these sessions, there would be some time devoted to the adults working on unifying, but then the children would be brought in to discuss and understand what the parents have decided regarding expectations and discipline.

Family Unification – This is the final stage of counseling for the pre-blended family.

Discuss fears, hopes, and expectations of each family member

What home life will look like

Establishment of Family Conferences

Simple listening and validating feelings of children are important at this stage. If children are interrupted etc at this time it can lead them to shut down more than they may already be prone to.

These sessions in which the counselor teaches these communication skills should also be used at home during the family meetings.

Final Thoughts

Most blended families are thrust together, but this type of counseling can be important to establish a more healthy unit.

Most experts recommend 10-12 sessions to ensure all areas are covered and that each member can feel confident as they discuss and practice what life will look like outside the sessions.

Resources

The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
Children’s Books - Blended Families by Sarah Schuette and Two Homes by Claire Masurel
The Blended Family Podcast at www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

17: Contracts to Motivate Stepchild Behavior Nov 28, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses developing a contract with stepchildren to help motivate desired behaviors. He talks from his own experience with his wife and daughter in making the contract work. Contracts can dramatically reduce tension, stress, and anxiety for everyone involved. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We recently experienced the end of daylight savings time. This means we set our clocks back one hour. So if you forgot, that means you showed up early to church that Sunday. This happened once for me and as a side note was probably a good thing because it happened as I was going through my divorce. I came to church early, was able to talk with someone I barely knew about my situation and also got to quietly sit and reflect in the sanctuary.

The daylight savings debate is always an interesting one. I am in favor of continuing it without going back. This would eliminate the need to change the time twice a year and also I like more daylight at the end of the day.

Turning the clock reminds me about a time when we took a step back in our own family.

Family background:
My wife Heather and I married after having gone through our own divorces. I brought a daughter into the marriage from my previous marriage while Heather did not have children –but boy did she bring animals. She had 2 cats and 1 dog, although one of the cats passed just before we got married. My daughter was about 8 when we got married. While she was generally a good student, we had spells where her grades were not up to par.
My daughter was mostly a rule follower like I was growing up. However, if she and I felt an adult was not watching or paying attention she and I both could stray from what was expected especially when it comes to school work.
When online grading systems were developed, we thought this problem was solved. Not so. There were flaws with this system. Teachers would input all the assignments in the beginning of the year, but if they did not input a grade it would show as a 0. We had many discussions (admittedly angered discussions) about why she was getting Zeroes not knowing this sometimes was not her fault. Now to be fair to us their were definitely times that my daughter was to blame as well.

Caused an immense amount of stress and anxiety as we would check everyday waiting for things to update. The cycle would continue only get worse and feelings would get worse until communication seemed to break down in the family. Everyone felt like they were caught in the middle.
We had to do something different.
My wife and I are marriage mentors where we volunteer our time and remember learning that sometimes things need to be written down. Out of this we decided to draft a contract.
The contract would serve many beneficial purposes:
- The contract would now become the bad guy and not any one of us.
- No more emotional daily discussion about the issue. Expectations were laid out and it was decided that we would allow our daughter the freedom to work without fear of a daily check in,
- It also gave us as parents the freedom not to have the responsibility to check in. It released me from so much anxiety.
- It would serve as a motivating factor to avoid a negative consequence but to also reward an especially good consequence.
Recommend listening to The Remarried Life podcast episode #12 – Four Parenting Styles to learn more about each other.
The contract set-up
- First there were several discusses by Heather and I before the draft to simply talk about the idea.
- Then she and I began to draft it out. The goal was to develop a unity between the two of us before presenting this to our daughter. This process was so helpful, because it removed a great deal of the emotion that swirled around our differences in parenting styles.
- The components of the contract included:
  - The parties involved: Parents and Child
  - The expectations – both for us and the child
  - The timeframe for the expectations to be met
  - The punishment for not meeting the expectations
  - The reward for when the expectations were signicantly exceeded (if the expectations were simply met then nothing happened).
- Put it on the fridge as a daily reminder to all. But again no need to interact on the subject matter, other than every once in awhile to ask my daughter if she needed help with anything.
- The outcome: She met the expectations so we considered the contract experiment a success.

Final Thoughts
We tried the contract experiment only after much exasperation for all of us. My recommendation is to not let things get to the point we did before trying it.
Once the contract goes into place, learn to abide by your part. As a parent the tendancy might be to hover and become anxious. Let the contract do the work as the motivator.
Celebrate when it works! If it does not work, continue to refine the process. Maybe the bar needs to be lowered slightly.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

16: My 3 Mistakes After Divorce Nov 21, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer gets real as he discusses 3 mistakes he made during the time he was separated and divorced. He shares these and what he has learned since. He hopes that you will not experience these same issues. Brian offers ways to reduce the time it takes to recover but he only learned this in hindsight and wishes he had known how to deal with the issues as they occurred. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In this episode, I am going to be very transparent about life immediately following my separation and eventual divorce and the mistakes I made. It’s my hope that if you are in this period of your life that you will learn from this and not make the same mistakes.
Mistake #1: Jumping Back in to Relationships to Soon. I can’t remember exactly but I believe I started dating with 2-3 months after the separation. I had not even begun to go through the grieving process – which is a process of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then finally Acceptance. After 2-3 months, I am pretty sure I was in the Denial phase still. Experts say it usually takes at least 1 year to go through the full grieving process.
Mistake #2: Not Working to Vent Anger. I remember the first time my wife (separated at the time) came to the house and did not have her wedding ring on. I remember losing it emotionally and I do not remember exactly what I said I just remembered being angry. I often think we subconsciously show our anger in the hope that the other person will change. So in my situation maybe there was a subconscious hope that she would react to my anger, by saying “You know what you are right, I should not have taken it off…Let me put the ring back on.”
I remember her then leaving, and I told myself I needed to do something to help with this pent up feeling. I joined a gym a few days later and this helped me immensely. It was not a cure all but it did help.
Mistake #3: Not following through with Counseling. My Uncle recommended a good counselor. I ended up going but only went for 4 sessions. At the time, I had never been to counseling and did not know what to expect. I remembered thinking after those 4 sessions, okay now I am good. I got this. It was obvious looking back now that I did not because it took a total of 3-4 years for me to feel good about myself and life again. Now that I am professional counselor and sit on the other side, I now realize how long it can take the brain to change. It is indeed capable but it can take months or even years to undo the damage that was done to it. I heard an analogy once that stuck. Your problems are like a screw being drilled in the wall. The counseling or recovery piece can’t treat it like a nail simply to be pulled out. It has to be back out the way it was put in.
Final Thoughts
- Give the relationship that has ended some time for you to fully grieve and process.
- Vent anger in a constructive manner through helpful coping mechanisms like joining a gym. Find other helpful things like music, reading, spending time with friends, hiking in nature, journaling, or whatever you find helps you feel better.
- Consider counseling and be willing to stick with it for the long haul. Find a therapist that considers your needs and goals and treat you as an individual with specific needs.
Resources

Being Single in a Couples World by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky – They talk about 5 common obstacles that get in our way of enjoying being single. They will help you work through a plan to get through these issues as well.

Resources Mentioned

Being Single in a Couples World by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

15: 3 Ways To Determine Who is Right in a Disagreement Nov 14, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses 3 things couples need to address during disagreements. While it is human nature to want to be right in an argument, Brian says this is the wrong thing to be focused on. Learning things like your world view versus your partners, learning about each other’s past experiences, and also learning to listen and understand will often settle disagreements without actively trying to find solutions. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In my couples sessions, many enter wanting to present their case for their stance on an issue. Then one or both will often look directly at me and say who is right on this issue. Or one might say in your marriage how would that make you feel? This is a very complicated issue and cannot be answered easily. Now one caveat, when it comes to illegal activity like abuse or immoral activity like having an affair this is obviously more clear cut. However, what we will discuss in this episode is more the day to day issue.
For example, I often hear couples talking about privacy of phones and computer and what is allowable, or maybe going to a party and one of you is extroverted while the other is introverted, or it could be how to juggle home and work life, or how best to parent children when it comes to discipline.
So how do you know who is right and who is wrong?
First, I want to talk about your World View. In other words how you view the world. Where did this come from?
- This started in childhood and was influenced by your parents, teachers, and other leaders in life. So for example, with me the political party that I more align with actually developed in me as early as 7-8 years old and was heavily influenced by my father and my grandparents.
- How we communicate in relationships also develops in childhood. I talk to many couples where one comes from a chaotic household where there is a lot of yelling to get a point across and the other partner comes from a more peaceful environment. This invariably causes issues in how the couple communicates and solves problems.
- Once we get in touch with the fact that something is driving and coloring our decision making, we must seek to understand our partner’s worldview.
- Exercise: On a sheet of paper make a grid by drawing 2 perpendicular lines. This will create 4 boxes. At thetop write the world write the word “Structure (Discipline, Boundaries)” and on the left write the word “Support (Closeness and Warmth).” The box on the top left will represent Low Structure, High Support. The box on the top right represents High Structure, High Support. The box on the lower left represents Low Structure, Low Support, and the box on the bottom right represents High Discipline, Low Support.

Now give a lot of thought to your childhood when it came to rules, bedtimes, understanding your role and then couple that with how much you felt encouraged and supported by your parents and the family system.

Then compare that with your partner’s experience. Have lots of rich conversation about this and be sure to stay discussing childhood until you have a significant understanding of your partner’s experience.

Only then can you begin to discuss what is happening the present. Talk about how growing up has influenced what you do today.

Secondly, think about what baggage you are bringing from the prior broken relationship.
- We often project what a past partner did into a current relationship. Again this is something that most of us are not even aware until we do a complete analysis of the prior relationship. You have heard it mentioned often here that there is something called doing an autopsy of your prior relationship.
  1. Think about what they might have done
  2. Think about what you did in the relationship
  3. Think about your trigger points. Triggers are things done in the present that will often remind us of something that happened in the past. Many times there is no basis or connection or similarity. It’s just that our mind has made that connection.
- Discuss, Discuss, Discuss what each of you went through in a different relationship. Continue to reaffirm to each other that this is a new relationship and that you are different people. Do this often.
Third and finally, how do we know who is right or wrong?
- In any issue, before getting to the answer we must both Listen and understand each other. Often we don’t have the full story or the full understanding of what the other person is saying. For example, my wife might make the statement “I don’t want to make dinner tonight.” If I don’t get more information, my mind could go in 1 of 100 different directions. I could think, “She must be mad at me then” or “She must want me to take her out tonight” or “She must be exhausted.” So without getting more information I have completely jumped to conclusion.
- So what is the answer to better understanding, summarizing what you just heard, asking more questions and then validating any feelings you are hearing. So in the example above, I might say “You don’t feel like making dinner tonight?” “Tell me more.” Then let her describe in more detail what is going on and then follow it up with a little validation of feelings. So if she says is stressed, simply saying something like “With this long week you had its no wonder you are exhausted.”
- Speaking in this way often allows a solution to continue to percolate and bubble to the surface without forcing anything
So great after listening to all of this, you are probably thinking that I haven’t answered the question. This is because there may not actually be a good answer to this question.

John Gottman well known couples and relationship researcher says there are 2 kinds of problems couples have.

There are Solvable Problems and then there are Perpetual Problems.

Solvable problems have a specific solution that can generally be agreed upon (easily if your relationship is in a good place or not so easily if not). An example of a solvable problem might be discussing the time to have dinner.

Perpetual problems constitute 70% of the issues couples face. These problems result from things like different world views and different personalities. Perpetual problems can only be worked through with things like gaining understanding, compromising, giving a little etc.

Speaking of personalities, I would encourage you and your partner to take a Myers Briggs type personality test. It tests you on 4 different components that create a total of 16 different personality types. Complete and discuss.

Final Thoughts
- The question of who is right and who is wrong is never easily answered.
- Above all treat each other with kindness and respect when discussing differences.
Have fun knowing you are not exactly alike and these difference are what help you grow as a couple.

Resources Mentioned

Back to Back Drawing Exercise from TherapistAid.com
Personality Test from 16Personalities.com

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

14: 5 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage Nov 07, 2017

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses 5 Ways to strengthen your Marriage. The discussion is based on the book called the 5 Love Languages. Each of us has different ways in which we feel loved which include Physical Touch Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. It is important that couples discover the primary love language that each has to love each other using that language. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There are roughly 7,000 different languages on Earth (Some disagreement between 3,000 – 8,000). Top 3 – Mandarin, Spanish, English. Then among all of those there are many dialects. In the U.S. there are many dialects, Northeast, Midwest, Southern, Louisiana, Texas, California among many others.
Communication is mostly impossible when speaking a different language and can be very difficult when speaking same language.

In my childhood, my Uncle and Dad were involved in these fun races where they would be blindfolded and have a passenger in the seat next to them giving instructions. They had to use what they heard to cross the finish line ahead of the other driver. Needless to say I am sure some things got lost in translation.
Same can be said of a marriage. We often communicate in ways that do not speak to our partner. We often speak or do things that feel good to us and simply assume that our partner likes them as well.

Five Love Languages – Everyone has 1,2 that speak to them more than the others. Need to discover what our partners is.
Physical Touch – The obvious physical touch is sex, but goes beyond that. Could involve a kiss, a hug, a massage, hand holding. John Gottman talks about a 6 second kiss that releases hormones that increase connection and bond. Babies that are touched in appropriate ways often when newborn and beyond grow up healthier.
Words of Affirmation – This love languages involves verbally expressing all sorts of things like love, encouragement, appreciation. Things like “Wow you look great in that outfit today.” or “Thanks so much for taking out the trash last night.” or “You are gonna do great with your presentation tomorrow.” I like to take it a step further and include more details in your affirmation like “that outfit makes your eyes pop” or “you took out the trash even though you were tired and had such a long day” or “you will do great with that presentation because I see all the time here at home that you invested in making it great.”
Quality Time: This is spending time together without distraction. This means turning off the phones and TV. It means giving each other undivided attention. Going to a movie together is generally not what I would consider Quality Time. This time doesn’t have to be expensive and doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out either. The Quality Time can occur after the kids go to bed. Read a Marriage Book together and discuss for example. I know I mentioned John Gottman earlier, and I just found he has a free App on Smartphones called Gottman Card Decks. All sorts of great topics are included so that you can ask each other questions to get to know each other better.
Acts of Service – This means doing something for someone. This could be as simple as making sure the household tasks you have already agreed to are done timely and with excellence. It could mean doing something that your partner often does like drop the kids off at school or make dinner one night. Once again Acts of Service does not have to be anything large. It can be small gestures. These small gestures will pile up and will help fill your mate’s emotional love tank.
Gifts – This means giving something tangible to the other person. Once again as I have said, this doesn’t have to be something large or expensive. Of course it can mean that but doesn’t have to. So don’t feel obligated that the only gift that will speak to your partner is a weekend retreat or a new car. It could something as simple as picking up your spouse’s favorite candy or magazine on the way home from work. Then present it by saying I was thinking of you and wanted to get this for you.
Final Thoughts
- Couples often think if they are doing all of these then this is best. Not true. Again, concentrating on the 1-2 the speak to your partner is best.
- Go to 5lovelanguages.com to take a quiz. Determine your top 1-2 and share. Learn which languages are the top 1-2 for your partner as well.
- Remember to thank your spouse when they speak your language. This gives them feedback that they are filling your emotional love tank.
- Model these languages in front of the children.
- Not only understand the languages of your partner is important, but the process of learning them such as taking the quiz, reading the book, and discussing it will draw you together.

Resources Mentioned

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
5 Love Languages Quiz
Gottman Card Deck – Available on Smartphones in the App Store

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

13: Five Roles in a Dysfunctional Blended Family Oct 31, 2017

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses the different roles the family members take on when dysfunction is present. When families are not healthy, human nature will tend to conform to the unhealthy situation rather than make attempts to change it. As a result the children and even the spouse of the individual with the issues will begin to adapt unhealthy patterns to support the continued unhealthy behavior of one family member. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In blended families, dysfunction is usually more common. As we have mentioned before the divorce rate continues to get higher with each subsequent marriage. This obviously means that there are many more unhealthy patterns present which include anger issues, alcohol or drug problems, and pornography addictions.
According to research by Sharon Wegscheider in the early 1980’s she proposed 5 different possible roles that children and spouses of the unhealthy parent/spouse will take on to continue the new normal unhealthy patterns.
Caretaker takes responsibility for the bad behavior of a parent. They can be co-dependent and protect the real caretaking adult by stepping up to take care of meals, cleaning, etc. The spouse can take this role, but often children will.
Family Hero attempts to bring pride to family by working hard and being successful at school and work. They do this to avoid problems at home. They have a façade of of self confidence and success but internally have issues of inferiority. Often this is the oldest child. The rest of the family does not see the issue if one is doing well. They grow up trying to win the approval of others.
Scapegoat diverts attention by acting out in anger. Since no one is healthy and can model appropriate behaviors the scapegoat will not know how to control anger and behavior. They often become the one to blame for the issue of the parents rather than being seen as a symptom.
Lost Child withdrawals to escape. Since they appear content they will begin to be neglected. They don’t learn social skills as a result. They cannot stand up for themselves and often get bullied. Bulimia is common in the lost child as they try to satisfy pain through eating. They will finds pleasure in other activities including drugs.
Family clown diverts attention from the issue to themselves. They try to lighten to heaviness and drama in the family. The humor hides the pain inside. They attempt to relieve stress and tension by distracting everyone.
Characteristics of a function family include: Clear parent child separation of duties, everyone feels valued and encouraged, roles are not rigid but fluid, change is encouraged, boundaries are present, children are comforted and have a safe harbor at home.
What have you noticed in your family? Are your children playing these roles as an attempt to smooth the family system? Are you playing one of these roles? Are you the source of others taking on these roles?

Resources Mentioned

Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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