The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

32: Learn How to Forgive Mar 13, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about forgiveness. He talks about the difficulty in which we all have to grant and accept forgiveness. He will discuss this from a biblical perspective as well as a secular perspective. Brian will talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not. After today’s message, the hope is that the mystery will be taken out of forgiveness and that you will begin to practice this together. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Forgiveness in relationships is one of the hardest concepts to teach and learn. It also one of the most difficult to feel fully accepting of whether you are asking for forgiveness or seeking to receive it.
Forgiveness myths include: Simply saying “I forgive you” but it is not really genuine, Forgetting, Condoning Behavior, Moving on, and Trusting. These are not forgiveness, but often are either confused for forgiveness or the belief that they are all part of what forgiveness is.
Forgive in the Greek means to literally to send away from one’s self, to hurl away, or to leave behind. It can also mean that something is no longer owed. It can be described as simply letting someone off the hook and that there will no longer be a continued emotional or mental punishment for the offense.
Let’s turn to the Bible to see what it says about forgiveness. But before I begin we need to be clear that our forgiveness as human beings is not like God’s forgiveness. God’s forgiveness is complete, immediate, and he does not take his forgiveness back.
- Matthew 18:21-22: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
- Psalm 103:12: As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
- Ephesians 4:31-32: Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.
After discussing what the Bible says, why is it not easy for us to forgive. It is definitely not. Also before I get into the difficulty in forgiving, let me say that if you are in an emotional, physical, or sexually abuse relationship your safety trumps everything and you must work to leave the situation if you are in danger.
Why is Forgiveness Difficult?
- We may not fully understand what it means. It does not mean forgetting, it does not mean allowing bad behavior to continue, it does not mean immediately trusting again
- We may not be ready. Humans often need time to process issues and emotions before being able to make a decision on forgiveness
- We may feel like we forgave one day, and then wake up the next and have bitterness and complete disdain for the person. Forgiveness is a process and it may take you time for it to fully take hold.
- When someone else keeps doing the same thing several times, forgiveness becomes more difficult. Again, if someone keeps doing the same things then again maybe it is not forgiveness that needs to be first but boundaries or distance may need to come first.
How Do You Know that Forgiveness Has Taken Place
- Relationships are sometimes restored, but not always.
- You are able to wish for good things to come to the other person and you might even be able to pray for them
- You either have a positive or a neutral opinion of this person. The negative opinion has disappeared.
- You will have less stress, less depression, and less anxiety. You may have heard that unforgiveness is like taking a poison pill and hoping the other person dies. Or unforgiveness is like allowing the other person to live in your mind rent free.
An excellent movie showing the power of forgiveness is called Unbroken – The Louis Zamperini story. He was an American pilot who crashed into the Pacific while searching for another lost aircraft. He was captured by the Japanese and severely beaten for 2 years until the end of World War II. In 1950, after much prodding he decided to make a return visit to see his captors. He ultimately forgave them all for what they did to him.
Forgiveness is not easy and is a process so don’t give up on it. You will receive a reward if you do choose to forgive.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

31: Healthy Ways to Communicate With Your Ex-Spouse Mar 06, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how best to communicate with an ex-spouse. While you were together there were always differences of opinions and difficult conversations but there was more of an attempt to work it out. Not so after you have separated and/or divorced. We will talk about what you can do to get your communication back on track for the sake of your children. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s Episode is all about how to communicate with your ex-spouse. We will discuss 5 keys to getting your discussions to a more calm and rational place. If the two of you can get this right, it will reduce your stress and help make your child’s experiences with each other all that more positive.
The first key is do more Listening than Talking. I know what you are thinking. It is not possible for both of us to do more talking than listening. To some degree that is true but if you both can practice this principal you will go a long way to really hearing what your ex-spouse is really trying to say.
Thinking about your emotions is the second key. Prior to communication with your ex-spouse, you should do a self check-in. Ask yourself how you are feeling. Are you feeling angry, sad, lonely, or maybe you are feeling happy, energized, and enthusiastic. After you have discovered what you are feeling, now you should dig to understand why you are feeling this way. If these feelings are somehow connected to your ex-spouse especially then recognizing this is important. If you are not aware of the emotions or the cause of the emotions that can come spilling back out toward your ex-spouse.
The third key is to Care a Little Less. This one sounds cold but let me explain. We tend to get so caught up in wanting to know every little detail of life at our ex-spouse’s house that it often gets negatively blown up in our minds. Often things can be filtered in a child in way that distorts the reality and that must be taken into consideration. Short of anything illegally occurring at your spouse’s home, you would probably do best for you own stress to let some of this go.
Be specific about What to Talk About and When to Talk About it is the fourth key. Of course discuss that your daughter needs new eyeglasses or your son need a backpack are perfectly legitimate discussions assuming these are things that were taken care of in a divorce decree. Discussing things like your ex-spouse new girlfriend and how much she dislikes your children is probably not going to go well. Additionally pick times at regular intervals that make the communications more business like and remove the emotion. So for example, let’s say every Thursday from 6 – 6:15 pm you will discuss the children and how they are doing.
The fifth key is to use a Third Party like a Counselor, Mediator, or Attorney when necessary. If none of these other keys to communicating work, then it could be time to consider an outside party to help set boundaries around communication. There is hope that you can avoid this, but help is available should you need it.
- There is a website called Our Family Wizard that could be useful to help with communication. It has a shared parenting calendar, a message board to contain all written communications, an info bank (for contact details, medical and school information), an expense log to track expenses and to make payments to each other, a place to journal, and alarms for meetings and other calendar events.
Try these new methods of communication and new ways of thinking about communication today to see if you can get that part of your life back on track. Communicating with your ex-spouse is not always easy but it doesn’t have to be impossible.

Resources

Our Family Wizard

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

30: The Six Levels of Communication Feb 27, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the six levels of communication. Each are important and build off of each other. In order to get to the highest levels of intimacy, each level needs to be developed to the fullest. Brian explains each and give lots of practical advice on how to grow each one. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Todays’s Episode is all about the different levels of communication. The six levels of communication we will talk about, I attribute to Jimmy Evans who is a speaker and evangelist who focuses much of his time on promoting healthy relationships and marriage. His ministry is called Marriage Today and you can get lots more great information there.
The first level of communication is called Basic Information. In this level, you are really only providing information that is needed for basic functioning in a relationship. One example is reporting to your mate that the sink is leaking.
Partnership is the second level of communication between spouses or partners. This is where you begin some form of actually working together on problems that may exist. So for example, if you are running low on milk you would ask if your partner could pick some up on the way from home. So again you have taken a step up from simply reporting to partnering together to solve problems.
The third level is Conflict Resolution. As course once you begin to start partnering together to figure out a problem, you will invariably bump into each other’s differing views, differing personalities, and differing world views. In this level you may begin to express complaints or criticisms. Complaints are good and actually healthy and involve expressing feelings about a particular issue. Criticism is not good and not healthy and involves moving away from the issue and attacking the other person.
The fourth level of communication is Connection. This is the first level in which we move beyond levels in which we find ourselves with family, friends, coworkers, and others. This is what separates this relationship from others. Connection can involve both verbal and non-verbal components like looking into one another’s eyes or touching of any kind. Being fully present and repeating back what is heard of examples of things you can do to strengthen connection.
Personal Information Revelation is the fifth level of communication. This is where you work to be more vulnerable with each other regarding your hopes, dreams, and frustrations. This level can be difficult to achieve for some couples, because often sharing hopes and dreams can feel like a win lose proposition rather than a win win scenario. The revealing of these hopes and dreams, Jimmy Evans calls the drawing of the drapes to your heart. You are revealing yourself in a most vulnerable way. Unfortunately, if this vulnerability is met with criticism and negativity too often, it will cause a divide and withdrawal. At worst, it can begin the cascade toward finding someone else to be vulnerable with.
Once we feel safe with our hopes and dreams, then we can make it to the pinnacle or sixth level of communication which is Intimacy. Intimacy is where expressions of love, affirmations, encouragement, and all the types of intimacy reside that I talked about in Session 29 – things like emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential intimacy.
Discuss these levels with your partner and talk about what it would take to get to that top level of intimacy. The key is to develop a safe haven in your home in which you can each share your biggest hopes, dreams, worries, and fears without feeling put down, minimized or uncared for. You can have the relationship of your dreams if you will cultivate these areas and taken them one a time.
If you find that you have difficulty doing this together and need a third party, then seek out another couple you trust, maybe a pastor or even a therapist to help you both uncover the issues that lie between each of you.

Resources

Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

29: The Five Types of Intimacy Feb 20, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the different types of intimacy between partners. Each are important and must be cultivated for a relationship to feel safe ad secure. Brian explains each and give lots of practical advice on how to grow each one. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Todays’s Episode is all about connecting with your partner in all the different forms of intimacy. There are 5 that I want to talk about today.
When most of us think about intimacy, we think about sexual intimacy. To be true this is one type of intimacy and one of the dictionary definitions of intimacy involves sex. However, the first couple of definitions you will find in a dictionary talk more about a close familiarity or friendship; closeness or another definition talks about a private cozy atmosphere.
The 5 types of intimacy I want to talk about today are: Emotional, Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual, and Experiential. You may find others talk about Financial, Recreational, or Unconditional Intimacy, but we will focus on those first 5.
The first type we will talk about is Emotional intimacy. This happens when we feel safe and secure to be open up and be vulnerable. It’s like opening up the drapes to your home to the outside world. This can be sometimes a very scary place to be. It is especially hard when there may have been a history of abuse or minimization of feelings. Be patient here and slowly but surely continuing to create safe spaces for each of you to talk about deep issues will continue to strengthen the emotional intimacy.
Physical intimacy is the next one. As mentioned this is the most well known of the different kinds of intimacy. Of course sex is the most well known piece of this. It can also involve hand holding, cuddling, kissing, and massaging. When this piece is off there could be a medical issue or it could be something else. If one of the other type of intimacy is off, this one will suffer.
Intellectual Intimacy is sharpening your brains together. It could involve talking about the news. It could be playing a board game especially a thought provoking one like chess or a card game that takes some thought process to work through. It could involve reading a book together. Again anything that connects you through thinking.
Experiential Intimacy is another important type of intimacy between partners. This involves simply spending time together. Obviously limiting or eliminating distractions is key. If you are always on call with your job or the kids, is there a way to turn this off for a time. The key here is to be fully present with each other in the moment. If you find you mind straying, return it back to the sights, sounds, and smells of your environment. Comment on this with your partner to deepen connection.
Spiritual Intimacy is the final piece to the puzzle. This one might be the most important because you are getting outside of yourself to something higher. Hopefully, you are connected to a church or other place of worship. Go together and worship together. There is nothing like the act of both humbling yourself to a greater power. My wife and I choose to worship the God of the Bible and his son Jesus Christ. When we are at church Sunday and I can peek over at my wife to see her eyes closed and that she is singing songs of praise there is certainly nothing like this that creates a closer bond. In addition, the a more formal larger service looking for other couples with similar beliefs to connect to is also important and will strengthen your connection.
Make sure to consistently take stock of each of these areas. It is best to do this together and discuss where you can better. Then make commitments to strengthen the areas that need strengthening.
If you find that you have difficulty doing this together and need a third party, then seek out another couple you trust, maybe a pastor or even a therapist to help you both uncover the issues that lie between each of you.

Resources

Nourishing the Different Types of Intimacy in Your Relationship by Margarita Tartakovsy, M.S.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

28: How Do I Love Thee Feb 13, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian & Heather Mayer talk about the small ways that we can say I love you to our partner. For those of us that are remarried, finding small ways to show our love can be hard. We’ve been through a lot in our life, a lot in our relationships and often are just older making life feel not as fresh sometimes. Today’s episode will help you learn new ways to show your mate that you do indeed love them and don’t take them for granted. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Todays’s Episode is inspired by the poem called “How Do I Love Thee?” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
Here is that poem:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

“How Do I Love Thee” was written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning as a dedication to her husband Robert Browning, who was also a poet. Robert basically rescued Elizabeth at age 40 from a reclusive and oppressive life under her father. Robert was so smitten with her poetry that he asked to meet and soon thereafter they fell in love through love letters.
Wow what a love story! So with that as our inspiration let’s talk about some things in addition to writing poetry that can really show how much we love our spouse or partner.
Leave a note in a lunchbox, on the steering wheel, or on the bathroom mirror.
Text, “I Love You” or simply use Emoji’s.
Share an Appreciation and Be Specific. For example, you are a wonderful teacher because I saw the way one of your students was struggling and how you stooped down on their level to console, comfort and encourage them. Wow!
Give an out of the blue compliment. For example, “Thank you so much for cleaning the kitchen last night. I remember looking at it saying I’m so tired I’ll get to it tomorrow night. Thank you so much!
Random hugging and kissing. Maybe you pass each other in the hallway at home and one of you grabs the other. Maybe you sneak up behind and give a peck on the neck. Whatever it is just find new and different ways to show affection.
Holding hands when you are out together.
Holding the door or other random gestures of kindess.
Spur of the moment massages are always nice.
Connecting through Listening to a marriage talk or sermon. When you hear something that affects one of both of you give a little squeeze or rub on the knee just to show you share in what you hear.
Do the other person’s normal chore. Listen to Session 22 called Role Reversal in Remarriage for a more in depth talk on this issue.
Send flowers for no reason.
Send a card through the mail to work or home.
Buy your partner their favorite treat.
Pray for your partner
Make lunch for your partner
Give you partner the first 5 or 10 minutes of your time when you get home.
Dedicate a song.
We hope these ideas gives your relationship a bit of a kickstart and by all means get creative and come up with you own. In fact we would love to hear your creative ways that you do to show you love your partner or spouse. Post those in the Remarried Life Facebook group and please join if you have not.

Resources

Brian & Heather’s love for each other is your resource for this week.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

27: Communicating Fairly in Marriage Feb 06, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian & Heather Mayer talk about the ability to communicate fairly when differences arise. To be sure, relationships are always going to have conflict. The goal is not to avoid conflict, but how to manage it appropriately. Today’s episode will help you learn new perspectives and new skills to help you manage how you talk to each other. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Conflict and Differences are actually a good thing. It means you are to some degree expressing your opinions and needs to your partner. When you both can do this, you will invariably bump into each other on occasion when these do not match up.
Couples that do not have conflict and always communicate appropriately using fall into one of two categories.
- Either the relationship is so new and they have not run into this and the couple begins to develop rose colored glasses. Eventually conflict and communication differences will arise.
- A second category is a relationship where one or both partners have been beat down to the point where conflict has ceased because either or both of them are afraid to express needs and wants.
- Personality differences where it may be hard to stand up for yourself and so there are no disagreements.
A healthy relationship will have conflict. Now there is no magic formula to how much or how little is good. However, we would say how often it is dealt with appropriately will often be the best indicator of the health of the marriage.
Let’s talk about some of the ways couples do not communicate or fight fairly. We will also talk about the solution to each of these ways in which we do not fight fairly.
PROBLEM 1: Bringing other issues into the disagreement. You may remember a time that your partner either did the exact same thing or something similar, and you bring that into the argument. SOLUTION: Stick to the issue at hand. You need to resolve this issue on the table and not bring in other issues. The issues can better be resolved by sticking to it.
PROBLEM 2: Saying “You Always” or “You Never” at the start of your statements. This is similar to the first problem in that you are bringing up past issues and you are turning the discussion away from the issue and into an attack on your partner’s personality. SOLUTION: Concentrate on your feelings about the situation, by starting with “I feel irritated” or “I feel sad when..” for example.
PROBLEM 3: Making your goal that of winning the argument. You may feel so strongly that you are right, that you forget about the importance of the relationship. SOLUTION: Make sure to keep a balance of working on the issue while maintaining the relationship. Often conceding certain points to your partner regarding an issue can help you get to a healthy resolution.
PROBLEM 4: Hold a grudge by silently stewing over an issue. In essence you are beginning to keep score when you do this. Often your partner has no idea you are doing this, and so while you think your partner has the issue it is really you. SOLUTION: Seek forgiveness in a timely manner. For some this is tough to do immediately, but it needs to happen. Forgiveness is simply telling the other person you are no longer holding the issue against them but it does not mean you trust or forget. This often takes longer.
PROBLEM 5: Asking to discuss an issue at an inappropriate time. Trying to discuss an issue when one of you is tired or ready for bed is often not a good time. Trying to discuss an issue right when you get home from an extremely stressful day is also not a good time. Discussing something in public or in front of the kids is also not good. SOLUTION: Look for clues as to how partner feels and again whether or not it is a good time. Also simply asking if now is a good time, also helps!
PROBLEM 6: Name calling. This is called contempt and is a way whether conscious or not to push your partner down to a level that is beneath you. Research shows that divorce will happen quickly the more this happens and research also shows that it has a physical impact by eroding the receiving partner’s immune system. SOLUTION: Obviously not doing this is best, but in order to stop you must visualize the best in your partner. That even though this situation is not good, they are a human being just like me.
PROBLEM 7: Discuss something serious or something that bothers you while you have had alcohol. You can be taught all of the fair fighting skills in the world but if you have been drinking, none of these will work. SOLUTION: Wait until you are sober, before discussing the issues. If drinking has become a significant problem in your relationship whereby verbal or physical abuse has occurred depending on the severity, you must either seek professional help for the alcohol abuse or at worst seek a shelter if your safety is at risk.
PROBLEM 8: One of you is talking much more than the other in a discussion about the issues. This could be a personality difference (think introverted or extroverted) or could be something more serious where one of you is oppressing the other. Either way is not good. SOLUTION: Equal time for each of you to discuss the issues is important. If you have trouble with this, use something visual like a spoon and only the person holding the spoon can talk. Obviously be fair and take turns without going on and on.
PROBLEM 9: Turning away from each other or even arguing from different rooms or even different cities! SOLUTION: Body Language and facial expressions are so important and so squaring up to each other when talking to each other. You could even take it further by holding hands while discussing an issue. Lots of hugs throughout the process are good too.
Remember disagreements are going to happen. It doesn’t mean your relationship is not healthy. It could actually mean the opposite. However, if you do not feel like you are sticking to some of these solutions we mentioned then there is work to be done. For most issues implementing these strategies should help a great deal to give you the relationship you want.

Resources

Fight Fair Quizzes:
- http://www.positive-way.com/wqfightingfarepage.htm
- https://www.thenest.com/content/do-you-fight-fair

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

26: 5 More Great (and Cheap) Rituals of Connection Jan 30, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian & Heather Mayer talk about staying connected with each other through doing things together as a couple. Here are 5 more (with one extra as a bonus) rituals of connection. Be sure to check out session 25 for the first 25! We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Connection #26: On Car Trips do some of the following: Mad Libs, 20 Questions, A Book Called “If” – 500 questions for the game of life that you can ask each other like, “If you could train a pet bird to do one thing for you and always return home what would it do?” or “Name your greatest accomplishment.”
Connection #27: Texting throughout the day to encourage each other and also simply communicating plans is very important to us. We use it to send the emojis and also says things like “I hope your day is going well.”
Connection #28: In the evenings when the weather is nice, we like to spend time on the back deck. We will play some music and talk about the day, and talk about our hopes and dreams. We also like to watch and listen to our surroundings and then we talk about them.
Connection #29: Friday Night Special: This is a sacred time in which we say no to work and often will say no to other things going on. We spend this time together. We will often make a pizza, play games or darts, and just have a fun time spending it together.
Connection #30: Morning Ritual. We make coffee, decide what to make for breakfast and lunch, and then begin the food prep. Usually one of us will make breakfast while the other makes lunch and we flip flop that responsibility. Then for 15 minutes or so after the meals are completed, we will eat breakfast together and talk about our day that is to come.
Bonus Connection 31: On our Anniversary, we will write out a list of 5 things we want to accomplish and 5 fun activities in the coming year. We also like to look over our list from the prior year to see what we did and did not do. Usually the things we want to accomplish center around work on the house and the fun activities involve traveling to new places.
After listening to this session and session 25, we hope you will implement some of these this week or continue what you are already doing that is working for you. Remember most of these don’t take much time. Simply connecting for 10-15 minutes every day is so important.

Resources

A book called “If” by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell
Brian and Heather’s Brains

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

25: 25 Great (and Cheap) Rituals of Connection Jan 23, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about staying connected with each other through doing things together as a couple. These ideas don’t have to be expensive and they don’t often involve leaving the home. In honor of episode 25, we will discuss 25 simple, fun, and cheap ideas for you to strengthen your bond and connection. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Why are rituals of connection (date nights) important? Your relationship with each other as a couple is the most important relationship you will ever have. Obviously if you believe in a higher spiritual power, this relationship should fall just under. But the point is it should be higher than children, other family members, friends, and coworkers.
Connection #1: Play cards. Learn a simple card game together.
Connection #2: Plan an indoor picnic complete with either a table and chairs set up in the living room or a blanket on the floor. Get as creative as you want here!
Connection #3: Play a video game together like Wii Bowling. Keep it simple and easy so that you can have lots of time to talk while playing.
Connection #4: Build a fire indoors or outdoors and talk about what you want life to be like in 5 years. Be careful to listen to each other and do what you can to support each other’s dreams when possible.
Connection #5: Talk about your favorite childhood toys. Compare notes with each other and make sure to ask lots of questions. Questions like did play alone or with friends? What was the favorite toy you received as a gift.
Connection #6: Read a book together. I don’t necessarily mean reading a marriage book either. Pick something fun like a novel or biography. Take turns reading aloud and then discuss each night.
Connection #7: Cook together. If you don’t want to make a whole mean then plan a dessert.
Connection #8: Watch a movie outside. I normally would not recommend a movie but if you set it up in a different way it can create an indelible memory.
Connection #9: Beverage Tasting. For those of you who are okay with drinking wine for example buy several bottles, pour some sample sizes, taste and talk. You can do non-alcoholic beverages like root beer. You could even do a cheese tasting instead.
Connection #10: Listen to a podcast like this one together. Then discuss it afterward.
Connection #11: Take an online language course together in Spanish, Italian, or whatever language you like. Speak to each other in that language and encourage one another.
Connection #12: Pull out the wedding photo album or video. Talk about it.
Connection #13: Take a course at the local community college together. You might be able to find free low cost courses that are offered to adults that come with no grade attached.
Connection #14: Attend the local art museum. Take it slow and talk about what you are seeing. Do not focus on what you like and what you don’t like or what your partner likes and does not like. Simply observe colors, shapes, scenes etc and share them.
Connection #15: Rewrite your vows. Then repeat what you each have written to each other. You could even print them out and frame them.
Connection #16: Have coffee at the local coffee shop. Plan how long you will stay. This helps to not feel rushed or give a sense of not knowing for how long you should stay.
Connection #17: Go for a walk. Observe the scenes and simply comment on what you see.
Connection #18: Work out together whether it be at the gym or a run or light jog outdoors. Training for a race together is another fun idea.
Connection #19: Attend a parade of homes event together. Talk about what you see and what ideas you might like to incorporate into your own home.
Connection #20: Get a couple’s massage. The new thing is to go for a float in saltwater.
Connection #21: Find a lake, rent a canoe, and gently paddle around for a couple of hours
Connection #22: Go for a hike. Remember to choose a hike that is somewhat challenging but not too difficult.
Connection #23: Go to an antique store. Talk about what you see and wonder aloud where an item may have been and what it was used for.
Connection #24: Volunteer together. You could spend a few hours a week at the animal shelter, local homeless shelter, or many other ideas. My wife and I volunteer at our church to be marriage mentors for couples in need.
Connection #25: Babysit together. Find another couple that needs a break and offer to babysit together. Make sure you each play an equal role.

Remember while the ideas are important, it is more important that you are connecting with one another. Always keep that at the forefront of what you choose to do.
Lots of obstacles will get in your way. Time is one. However, you must be intentional to carve out time. A solution my wife and I have found is to place the event on our smartphone calendar. It is shared and so we both can see it easily. Putting things on a calendar, do several things. One is that helps make it a priority so that nothing gets in the way and two it creates a sense of anticipation.
One other obstacle may be that one of you simply “does not like doing this activity.” I will challenge you here that you must get that phrase out of your vocabulary. I do not like grocery shopping, however I do this all the time with my wife because spending time and investing in our relationship is so much more important to me than the activity.
Finally, if you are in your second or subsequent marriage ask your spouse to listen to this episode. If you are not yet married again, file this episode away and remember to pull these things out at the right time to help in your future relationship and connection.

Resources

Today’s Resource is Brian’s Brain!

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

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24: Does My Stephchild Hate Me? Jan 16, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about when the blended of families causing dissention among step child and step parent. Often, the step parent takes the negative attitude or outright attacks from the step child and will personalize them. In most cases, there is nothing personal and the child is simply reacting to the situation that is new and not the same. Brian talks about how you can keep your sanity and also what you can do to help this situation. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Bringing two families together as the result of divorce or death of a prior spouse is hard. It is not easy for anyone and it is normal to feel like you don’t know what you are doing. You are not alone in this as many many families experience exactly what you may be going through right now.
How many times have you heard the phrase, “You are not my mom or you are not my Dad.” Ouch that can hurt deeply. Often children feel like a blended family is something to be hidden and embarrassed by especially to their peers who might have intact families. While they will minimize and hide it with others, this can often lead to emotions spilling out within the family unit.
According to the Stepfamily Foundation, they cited a study done by psychologist Judith Wallerstein regarding stepfamilies and stepchildren in particular that was eye opening. According to the study, only 45% of children do well after divorce, 41% said they were angry, and most felt like they did not have a good model for a healthy relationship. Divorced parents share too much personal information with their children. Many divorced parents cannot separate their own needs from the needs of their own children. A majority of parents are disorganized which causes a slow diminished emotional connection with the child and stunts there growth.
Let’s talk about some things you can do as a step parent to help your step child hopefully see you in a bit of a different light.
First, take care of yourself! This means taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional needs. You must be in a healthy place if you are to properly parent. Ever heard of putting your own oxygen mask first before helping someone else with theirs? The same holds true for step parents. This could mean taking time at the gym, reading for leisure, connecting with others. Just remember there needs to be balance. If you love golf, playing 5 times a week may not be the answer.
Integrate slowly. This means initially have short interactions with each child and do not overwhelm them with your presence, your needs, and your expectations. Remember change is hard and being abrupt will only cause issues down the road. Maybe this means spending 2 minutes getting to know the child. Of course you will run into resistance. But asking the child to teach you something they know how to do and then letting them run the show can go a long way toward connecting.
Be Empathetic. If a stepchild complains that they miss the other parent then be empathetic. What this means is learn to sit with the child’s pain. You are not responsible to change their feelings or scold them. This can be hard because you might take this as an attack on your personally. Just realize it is not. Even if it is, remain the mature adult confident in who you are and what you are doing.
Allow the biological parent to do most if not all of the discipline especially initially. Ever heard of the quote, “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” The same holds true for the step child and step parent relationship. While children will say they don’t like discipline at all, when it comes from a step parent early on it can cause animosity. Make sure you take this piece slowly and be in constant communication with your spouse. That piece can be tough and an entire other conversation.
Schedule time alone with each stepchild doing something they would enjoy. This is extremely important especially after the family has been established somewhat. Kids can detect when the time and attention with biological kids feels unequal.
Finally, just parent as if you are looking into the crystal ball. What I mean by this is to give them what they need for life after they leave you. Too often we get frustrated in the moment and feel like what’s the point. Parent as if you are imagining when the child is 35 years old, that they will say they appreciate how you parented and hung in even when times got tough.

Resources

Stepfamily Statistics:

Stemphttp://www.stepfamily.org/stepfamily-statistics.html

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

23: Freedom and Security in Relationships Jan 09, 2018

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how both freedom and security when both are present can foster a relationship that is both nurturing from a couples standpoint but can also help individual dreams and goals be achieved. Countries debate the freedom versus security issue extensively. In the United States this discussion has ramped up and mirrors the debate couples have about this issue in relationships. Brian lays each out and talks about how to handle the approach to this issue for couples. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is called Security, Freedom, or Both in Relationships. In relationships, there can often appear to be a power struggle for security and freedom. When one person feels they are being stifled, she might say there is too much security and not enough freedom. For the partner that says they do not have an individual identity, he might say I do not have enough freedom. Often the pendulum will swing wildly in a relationship.
The same can be said about freedom and security when it comes to a nation’s interests especially in the political arena. In my lifetime I never more have seen this debate after the terrorist attacks in the United States on September 11, 2001. While the ultimate goal for both sides was the safety of our citizens, there were vastly different approaches on how to get there. One side will often say that giving all citizens many more freedoms such as the ability to carry guns or other deadly weapons, can help police and the government while another side might say being more restrictive on everyone is this issue is the answer. Both believe that the ultimate result in their position is that security and freedom will be balanced.
According the Legatum Prosperity Index of 2017, the top 2 countries with the most personal freedoms are New Zealand and Canada while the bottom 2 are Yemen and Sudan. The U.S. is ranked as 28th in personal freedom. The most secure counties were touted as Singapore and Iceland while the bottom 2 are Congo and Iraq. The U.S. is ranked 60th in security. Legatum is an international think tank based in London that focuses on what it can do to ensure societies are free, just, and flourishing.
Are security and freedom the be all end all, of course not. But they should be monitored in a relationship. Take for example, a crying baby in the crib. The baby continues to cry because he does not feel secure not knowing where his mother or father is. The baby is also certainly not free since it is in a crib with the inability to explore. This all changes when mom or dad enters the room. The baby stops crying and if put on the floor may actually begin to explore with toys or books etc. In this case, the baby felt the security of the parent’s presence and when that need was taken care and that mom put baby on the floor he or she felt comfortable to use that freedom to explore.
The same can be said in adult romantic relationships. These relationships should be the both of you against the world. The world is a very difficult place and the home must be a safe haven from that. If the home is a safe haven, where conversations are nurtured and love is freely given and freely accepted, then it can give each of you the confidence to pursue your dreams and passions to further advance you as an individual which will have a positive ripple effect on the relationship.
Some obstacles that get in the way of this are how each of you grew up as children. I would recommend you each explore with each other the rules of the house in addition to how close knit the family was. This will help identify in each of you the levels of freedom and security you grew up in. ‘
Past relationships and marriage will cause projection in some cases. What is projection? This happens when one of you who maybe did not have a voice in a prior marriage, were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused and you begin to associate your new partner with a prior partner. If this past was the case, then simple conversations may turn into blowups, or coming home late may be met with skepticism. Identifying that this is an issue for you is the first step to healing this issue. Not healing this will indeed cause an imbalance of freedom versus security.
I’ve mentioned this book many times on this show, but I would highly recommend Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. This will help each of you set healthy boundaries so that you can keep the good in and the bad out. Often people will ask, well can’t boundaries be used to control. They of course can, but if they are used to control then they are not being used properly. Boundaries still allow the person on the outside freedom of choice, but recognizing that the person inside the boundary will only allow them in if certain things are met.

Resources

Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The above resources are affiliate links, which means that The Remarried Life Podcast receives a percentage of the sale. Your cost does not change. By purchasing these items you are helping cover the cost of expenses to produce this podcast. Thanks in advance for your continued support of the podcast!

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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