The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

82: 6 Things I am Embarrassed to Admit in My Remarriage Mar 19, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer mostly focuses on information, tips, research, books, and studies to help you in your remarriage journey. Today he focuses on some mess ups in his own marriage that he is somewhat embarrassed to admit but hopefully will help you in your remarried life journey. With a deep breath we hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

After moving past a previous marriage, we hope that we can get closer to perfect with that next marriage. We all have a more realistic view of life knowing that things don’t always turn out the way we want, but we certainly have a hope that they will.
Today I am going to focus on these issues, but I am going to spotlight myself. This episode is especially hard to do because I am human and I would like to always put my best foot forward when it comes to my image with others. But I think showing you how real I am will hopefully help you to know that you don’t have to be perfect and if you aren’t that ultimately it will be okay. You are going to continue to mess up and not get it right.
So here goes, let’s talk about the X things that I find most embarrassing in my remarried life journey.
At this point, I been married to my wife for about 14 years and I hate to admit that a couple of years in we had an argument so bad that I uttered the question, “Do you want a divorce?” Wow talk about the most terrible feeling in the world. I have had lots of self talk about that one, and I made the decision to never say those words again and fortunately I have stuck to that.
During some difficult times parenting my daughter, there we times where I sided with my daughter. I am certainly not proud of these moments and in looking back I did feel caught in the middle for sure. However, it came at a time where I made assumptions that my wife (my daughter’s stepmom) must have been talking in a way that I didn’t agree with (even though I later discovered this not to be true).
I once got so angry about my daughter not talking or sharing what was going on that I yelled at her at the top of my lungs. Again I felt caught in the middle because my wife was telling me I needed to be harder on my daughter for the things she was saying and doing, and I had moments where I flipped back and forth on my feelings on this. And one of my problems is that I will hold things in sometimes, just hoping that others will get it and do their part and when that does not happen I blow my lid. This is one part of my life that I have worked hard to overcome and something I am getting better at and certainly not proud of.
I let bitterness and resentment build up in my toward the actions my daughter was taking about not wanting to live with us anymore. I remember putting up an emotional wall and making decisions not to engage with or talk to her as much as I used to. I suppose this was a defense mechanism because I was tired of getting hurt.
This isn’t necessarily something I am embarrassed about but at some point my wife and I sought out help from some fellow marriage mentors at our church to talk about our parenting issues and differences. Of course, I wish we could have figured it out on our own but we needed help. At the time this was really hard to want to admit especially since we were marriage mentors ourselves. But nevertheless sometimes I have to admit when I need help and that was one time I needed it.
Not working early on in the marriage to set a plan for parenting and expectations early. This was a lot of the cause of the stress early on. So I embarrassed to say that I didn’t learn from the first marriage as much as I should have about making more solid plans to be a team on the issues. Instead of I subconsciously made the decision to meander again through a marriage and sure enough it hit major rough patches.

Resources:

Session 16: My 3 Mistakes After Divorce

Session 64: My Depression and My Divorce

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

81: Birth Order Changes in a Blended Family Mar 12, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how birth order affects kids when families are blended. It is tough enough for kids to go through certain issues because they are born at a particular spot in the order, but sometimes that order can be completely thrown off when a remarriage occurs. We will talk about birth order and the effects that remarriage has on this in today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You may have heard a lot about birth order. In the simplest terms it is the order that child is born and the place they hold within the family. So for example, if you have 3 children then there is a first born, a middle child, and youngest child. But that is probably where the simplicity ends.
There has been all sorts of research about birth order and what this means for each child but then we will take things a step further by talking about the impact a change in birth order can have during a remarriage. There is controversy on this subject as to whether or not birth order truly affects personality and I am on the fence about this topic but nevertheless it is interesting to delve into.
Lets talk about the different positions in birth order and what researchers tend to think it means especially through then lens of Alfred Adler, who was an Austrian psychiatrist who lived from 1870 - 1937:
- First Born tended to want to be perfect, high needs for words of affirmation, highly intellectual. He also said that first borns can tend to dominate social situations.
- Second or Middle Children – Since they are aware that there is another child that came first these children can tend to be competitive or even rebellious. He also said that they may have a tough time finding there way in life. Somewhat like the first born they also look to be praised. Since they are in the middle they can often learn to be peacemakers and work to negotiate between members of the family.
- Youngest and Only Children – Since this child might often be coddled and spoiled, he says that often this child can become selfish. He also says this child can appear to be confident and have fun with others. Being told “No” especially for an only child can be difficult for them. Only children tend to be more mature according to Adler.
- Twins – Even though they are the same age, one typically is seen as the more dominant and more active child.
- Age Gaps – Adler says that if 3 or more years are between the children then this can cause differences in the birth order personalities to arise. For example if the second children was born say 8 years after the first child then it would stand to reason that both the first and second child might operate like an only child.
Ok fine, now we understand a little bit more about birth order but what happens when you divorce and remarry and now this gets turned on it’s head. Lets say you have a 6, 8 and 10 year old and your new partner has a 9, 13, and 15 year old. This means that several of the children’s order is now completely juggled. So your 10 year old went from being the oldest to now more like a middle child. Or your partner’s 9 year old went from being the youngest to a middle child. Very tough indeed for each of these kids
What happens when your first born for example has to cede more “control” to a child from the other spouses family.
Or what happens to that middle child who may already feel somewhat lost becomes even more lost.
How about the youngest child who may have gotten lots of attention and now gets less because there is someone even younger.
What can help in this situation:
- Have a discussion with your spouse about this birth order dynamic and what it might do to the children. You each will have a good understand of who might be affected the most here.
- Knowing that According to research if the age gaps are more pronounced then it will tend to have less of an impact on them when things do change.
- Research also says that the older the child is then the less this birth order change should impact them. This makes sense because the younger the child, the less of a frame of reference they have these changes and less life experience to draw upon when these changes are made.
- Make sure the kids have friends and other relationships outside the family so they are not solely reliant on relationships with the new siblings.
- Communication with each child is key to help identify what their concerns are with having new siblings of different ages appearing. Ask them what they feel like to know that they are no longer the oldest or youngest etc. Of course understanding that the youngest children may not yet have a full grasp on what this all means.
- Make sure each child still have a place (hopefully a separate room but if not a well defined place in a room with their own space including desk and drawer space that is not mixed with anyone else.
- Allow each child turns at planning different events like dinner or activities. Again this will give the children that may have been bumped from the oldest spot a chance to feel like they are making a contribution again.
Along with everything else that changes in a blended family, having a strong awareness of birth order is key. Be united with your spouse to know that this is an important topic that should be talked about so that each child knows and understand how their new position is impacted and how they may have a new role but that this does not diminish who they are.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

80: New Stepmom Tips Mar 05, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the difficult process of integrating into a family from the perspective of the new stepmom. There are a lot of missteps that new stepmoms make and we will discuss those and how to approach these new and delicate situations so that everyone can have the best experience possible. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You might remember if you have been listening to the podcast for any length of time that back in session 52 we talked about steps to help new stepdads. While that was several months ago, we want to make sure we give equal time to new stepmoms because your process can be just as difficult but in different ways to be sure.
As a new stepmom, you are generally juggling being mom, stepmom, wife, employee, business owner, and ceo of the household just to name a few. Talk about amped up anxiety in trying to get all of this right! It is not easy. So with that let’s talk about some common missteps that stepmoms might make during the initial parts of the journey.
- Making Changes too Quickly. Remember that the kids had a certain lifestyle and ways of doing things that when changes happen to quickly that it can make the journey more bumpy. Consider that most new managers and CEOs in new positions and new companies are advised to just take it all in for at least the first 90 days.
- Parenting Too Quickly. This issue is both the same for the new stepdad and new stepmom. If you attempt to discipline too quickly, it can often backfire by creating more resentment in your spouse and the kids. Also most importantly when it does not go well, it is going to create animosity and some anger within you.
- Allowing the Children to Step On You. You might be wondering about this one being in direct contrast to the point above. And it is not necessarily. The point above about not parenting too quickly refers more to being proactive with discipline and rigid rules etc. This point refers more to not being walked all over. Make sure you stand you ground when kids are rude to you, obviously doing it in a sensible way is important.
- Not Prioritizing Everyone’s Time. You should be mindful of the time that all the kids need with each other, need with you and need with your spouse. When you integrate large families with lots of kids it is easy for the time dynamics to shift and for someone to feel left out with the amount of time they spend with another family member. What is the easiest way to fix this issue? Just ask each family member if they are getting the time they need.
- Getting Upset When You See that Your Stepkids Favor Your Spouse. Unfotunately this is going to happen. And there may be nothing you can do about this one. As much as you would like to see things being equal between the two of you just remember to pay attention your own thoughts and feelings regarding this. If you find yourself getting bitter and resentful just ask yourself why this is happening.
- Talking Badly About Your Spouses Ex-Spouse. This will be on the quickest ways to alienate yourself to your spouse or your stepkids. Remember that your spouse may feel somewhat caught in the middle regarding needing to make sure everyone is working as a team. If you are consistently going against your spouse on trying to keep the peace with the other parent then just realize you are going to hit some turbulence.
- Not Prioritizing Your Time With Your Spouse. I am saving this one for last because I do believe it is the most important one. This one is very common. With everything going on it can become easy to let the relationship with each other slip. This is where you can let little things like other family members drive a wedge in between the two of you.
Think about these things we talked about today and while I am not saying you have to completely eliminate them, just become more aware of them in your daily life. Working to change many of these issues should help to some degree your family blend together a bit better. And it can help with your mental health as well.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

79: The Impact of Divorce on Children Feb 26, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how divorce can affect children in ways seen and sometimes in ways not seen especially as they get older. We will talk about this and ways to lessen the impact of an already devastating event in their lives. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

As you know divorce can have devastating impacts on your life including emotional, mental, and sometimes even manifest in physical pain. I remember back to my divorce and had some difficulty with depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating and then for me it was stomach issues. So divorce is certainly all encompassing on our own health.
Of course as we know there is someone else that gets impacted by the divorce and that is the children. I call this collateral damage in that while they may not be receiving the full brunt of the difficulties they can certainly be impacted. The unfortunate issue is that they can not only be impacted during their childhood but also into adulthood. I could probably could raise my hand as a child that was negatively impacted as a child of divorced parents. If I am honest I could say that a small part of my own divorce could probably be traced back to my parents divorce and not having a good model for what a solid marriage should have looked like.
There are certainly psychological effects on children, but researchers have found that some children bounce back faster than do others. According to an article at the website called verywellfamily.com (posted below), they state that the first year after divorce for children is the toughest. This makes complete sense as the only world they have ever known has been turned upside down.
There is also an interesting difference in how kids of different age groups react differently to divorce.
- Preschool and younger children often simply fail to understand why the split and what is happening. There may be a fear about what is happening and a sense of being out of control. This can create a great deal of anxiety.
- For elementary aged school children, this group will often feel that they are to blame for what happened. This is a lot to carry around at such a young age for sure, but nonetheless it happens with this group.
- Teenagers will get angry about what happened. They may fall into a depression or look for one or both parents to blame. They can get angry and often resentment will creep in.
What are the specific ways divorce impacts kids:
- Most obvious is probably behavior problems like acting out at home or at school. For older children the behavior can turn risky like with sexual experimentation, drug or alcohol usage, and things like reckless driving.
- Emotional issues like depression or anxiety
- Academic issues like missed assignments, decreasing grades, and increased absences.
- Social issues like loss of friends or even a proactive rejection of friendships.
- Physical problems like extreme weight loss or weight gain due to the stress of the change in situation.
It all sounds overwhelming for sure but there are certainly things that both you and your ex-spouse can do to help you children adapt.
- Far and away the number one way you can limit these issues for you child, is to work together with your ex-spouse. This means cordial communications, where lines are open and there is a willingness by both of you to work as a team. The problem with this one is that there is usually some anger, bitterness or resentment that lingers that gets in the way.
- If this is not possible then at the very least, do not put your kids in the middle where they have to choose sides. Do not downplay your ex-spouse to your kids. Unfortunately it could be happening on the other end and this is hard to deal with for sure.
- Be consistent with the schedule of dropping off and picking up. Once again this takes two people, but kids need consistency in order to feel safe and secure.
- Be consistent with your schedule while you have the kids. This means consistent bedtimes and consistent times for play, schoolwork, and family time. If kids can notice a consistency in your home, then at the very least they will feel secure.
- Coparenting counselors can help and certainly individual therapists for the adults or the kids can help as well if anyone is having a hard time getting over the hurt and the issues.
Just remember the kids are your families legacy moving forward. If you have had divorce in your family through past generations you can still work to break that cycle as best you can for the future generations in your family.

Resources:

The Physiological Effects of Divorce on Children

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

78: The 5 Stages of a Romantic Relationship Feb 19, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how romantic relationships have stages and that it is inevitable that we will pass through them all in order to get to the deep love that will last a lifetime. These are so much more important to know in your subsequent marriage because it can help you recognize where you are in the relationship and you can then determine if you are progressing in the right way. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There are lots of articles and theories about what stages relationships go through. You find some that purport to have 4 stages and some that go all the way up to 10. No matter what the number we can all agree that our romantic relationship certainly do have stages. Of course it may not be clear that you have broken through from one to another because of a specific event although that can certainly happen. It usually is a slow shift over time.
Understanding these phases for those that have been divorced and remarried and so much more crucial to getting it right that we often think about. Think about these stages as a roadmap and without knowing where we are going or where we need to go we can often get lost.
Also there are things about each stage that are important to understand that might be transient meaning they will fade over time. Knowing this can help to not get upset as we transition to the next phase which should hopefully be deeper and more meaningful.
According to the website called “Exploring Your Mind” which has interesting articles about psychology, relationships, and emotions, they discuss 5 stages:
- The Infatuation Phase – Emotions, Passion, Intensity, Differences Don’t Really Matter and in fact they seem kind of cute. The focus is on things you have in common.
- The Knowledge Phase – Discovery of Differences, The Differences are met with More Realism. So while the differences are negative so much yet, they are not looked at through rose colored glasses as much.
- The Coexistence Phase – Start thinking about the future and do things get married, move in together, buy a home. This phase can occur rapidly in a remarriage because we think we know what we want and often maybe this is true. There are lots of reasons though we can sometimes get to this phase quicker than when we were in that first marriage. Age definitely matures us. Having already been through a cycle of a relationship can also move us more rapidly through the stages.
- The Assertiveness Phase – This can be a period of beginning to think more about the self. Individual needs can sometimes start to appear more in earnest. This can be a positive or negative depending.
- The Growth Phase – Carrying out joint ventures like having a family. This stage is hopefully where you feel the deepest connection to something that will be long lasting and not end until death rather than a previous marriage or relationship that obviously ended before that.
Of course the issue with remarrieds is that the phases can last different amounts of time that they would in a first marriage.
Additionally the Assertiveness Phase and the Growth Phase can actually happen at the same time for a remarried thus blurring the line between these and maybe causing our brain to lack the ability to feel good in each of these stages since they are blurred.
It is certainly important to understand these phases because it will help you understand what to expect as you hopefully continue to move forward.

Resources:

The 5 Stages of Romantic Relationships

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

77: How to Deal With Wanting to Give Up Feb 12, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the very common thought of wanting throw in the proverbial towel on another marriage and the blended family. There are lots of reasons that the next time around we have thoughts of moving on even though we went through so much pain the time before. In fact sometimes it feels like it could be easier to move on again since it happened once before. We will talk about this issue and how to work through it. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Wanting to give up can be a common issue if you are a human being. If you have gone through a divorce like most of us, it can be an even more common issue.
There may not be much we can do to prevent this type of thought entering into our mind, but the more important thing is what we do with that thought. Do we continue to dwell on it, do we look to take some action to propel us toward giving up, or do we accept it as a natural or normal part of life but at the same time take actions to repel away from this thought. Let’s talk more about this issue.
Let’s start by talking about famous people who were presented with events that most people would understand if they wanted to give up but they did not.
- The author of the Harry Potter series, JK Rowling was turned down by 12 publishers. As of this recording, over half a billion books have been sold.
- Between 1878 and 1880, Thomas Edison and his team tested well over 3,000 designs for lightbulbs before landing on one that worked.
- Henry Ford failed twice at developing an automotive company and even went bankrupt losing investors money probably the equivalent of millions of dollars today. Somehow the third was a charm and the start of the Ford Motor Company.
Imagine had these people given up on their dreams.
You have had moments I am sure where you have tried and tried to make the new marriage work. You have tried to enter into parenting the stepkids. You have tried to be united with your spouse regarding how to parent all the kids. You have tried to be friendly with your ex-spouse. You have tried to be friendly with your spouse’s ex-spouse. You have tried to make the relationship with your new spouse’s parents family. Maybe one or more of these areas aren’t working.
So it is no wonder you may have had feelings of wanting to give up. Let’s explore why feelings of wanting to give up especially for us who have dealt with this issue in the past.
- One or both of you in your past relationship made the decision to give up. Since it happened once before, it sort of broke the ice on this subject maybe in a bad way to open you up to the idea of it.
- You made it through the recovery from giving up on a past relationship. In other words as painful as it was you came out on the other end and realize that if you got through it once you can get through it again.
- The kids not blending and not listened to you as an authority figure can certainly lead to feeling of wanting to give up.
- You thought you chose your new partner with more of your head than your heart, but different issues have arisen and it becomes maybe even more perplexing than the end of your first marriage.
- You thought that you had been through enough pain for a lifetime in your previous marriage that you may have gone into the new relationship figuring that this type of pain and hurt would ever happen again. When it does even to a small degree, it can feel overwhelming
Now that we have talked about reasons that giving up thoughts might happen, lets talk about ways to work to lessen the power this may have over you.
- Work to compartmentalize the issues as best you can. This means dealing with each issue as it comes and to not let things pile up.
- Work on the concept of forgiveness. This means offering and accepting forgiveness often. Practice this with each other and with the kids.
- Weigh out the positives against the negatives. Often we get flooded with all that we see that is negative that we forget about what is positive.
- If thoughts of wanting to give up come in the immediate aftermath of a conflict, work to calm yourself down and see if the thoughts continue. Often they will not.
- Discuss with your spouse these thoughts and ask if your spouse has these as well. Chances are good that you probably have had these. Of course coming at this from a place of wanting to work on things in spite of the thoughts can help.
We hope you find today’s episode to be helpful in understanding how common these thoughts are and what you can do to slow or stop this from getting a strong hold of you.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

76: Are Religious or Spiritual Differences Causing Problems in Your Remarriage? Feb 05, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how spiritual or religious differences are a very common issue that can cause problems in a remarriage. This issue may be more common for remarrieds especially as you have older and maybe more settled in your ways. We will talk about this issue and give some helpful tips. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all about how spiritual or religious differences may cause a divide in your relationship and in your family.
Let’s first talk about the difference between spirituality and religion. These are different and each can cause it’s own issues.
- Spirituality: being concerned with the human spirit or soul instead of material or physical things.
- Religion: the belief in a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God.
So that is the dictionary definition, but I like to define these words in different terms.
- For me spirituality is all about a relationship with God. It is a heart connection and everything else grows from that.
- Religion to me is more about the daily practice of working to get toward God whether or not your heart is right or not. For example someone can go to church, read the Bible, be a “good” person and not necessarily have a close relationship with God.
Now that we understand some of the differences, I want you to ask yourself these questions:
- Are my partner on the same page spiritually?
- Are my partner on the same page with regard to religious practices?
If you are not on the same page spiritually, then you might have the following issues:
- You will differ in how to have a relationship with God. According to Christianity, God defines the only way to have a relationship with God is to surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ. Other spiritual connections do not believe this and in fact some argue that you don’t serve the same God.
- When times get tough, you will both be turning toward something different. One will choose a personal relationship with a living and resurrected savior, and as far as all other spiritual connections it is my understand that there is no being that has died in our place and was resurrected.
When it comes to religious differences, these are more about things happening in the here and now in your daily life. It can cause issues like the following:
- Where to go to church if at all?
- What type of people to associate with? Those who are fellow believers and who are not?
- What resource to use to gather strength for life. Believers in Christianity will use the Bible and others will use something else.
- What should the children believe? Some couples will say that they can believe whatever they choose. This means that they will be receiving the spiritual and religious foundation from outside sources. So you may find that they choose neither and choose something else. How would this feel to both of you if this happened?
- What holidays should be celebrated? Maybe you have decided early on in your relationship to do more than one. This works now but will it always work?
- When an outside third party is sought to help with your marriage would you seek a Christian pastor? If so how would that fit in your relationship?
- What will you use to define your moral compass which is what is to be used as the instrument by which a person’s ability to judge what is right and wrong and act accordingly.
If you have differences in these areas what should think about:
- If you are dating and not yet married, you may want to seriously consider everything we talked about today and weigh that against pursuit of marriage. I am not here to tell you what to do, but I will say that the Bible does say this about these differences, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14.
- You might now be asking yourself, what if I am married to an unbeliever or someone of a different faith. According to the Bible, it states that you should not leave an unbeliever and that the only time this is acceptable is when the unbeliever voluntarily wants to go. See 1 Corinthians 7:13,15.
What should you do:
- Have non-defensive conversations about your beliefs
- Understand each other’s childhood and where these beliefs may be rooted and the importance of them.
- Ask questions about each other’s adolescence and whether or not belief systems began to change.
- Ask each other about early adulthood and whether or not things changed even further
- Talk about previous marriages. Was there an equal yoke? If so what did you practice together and how did that work? If there was an unequal yoke, talk about those differences.
- Discuss present feelings and practices toward your spirituality and religious practices. Brainstorm asking each other what if questions about how certain practices would be resolved with each of you.
This is an important subject that you owe each to talk through patiently and work on a way to resolve or respectfully accept differences.

Resources:

This is an important subject.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

75: Is a Prenuptial Agreement a Good Idea for a Remarried Couple Jan 29, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how more common a prenuptial agreement is for those that are getting married for the first time and for those that are getting remarried. It is a complicated issue that involves more than just finances, but often times the idea of trust or lack of trust enters the picture. Today we will discuss this issue along with some things to watch out for with regard to a prenuptial agreement. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Prenuptial agreements have been around for a long time. Most of us know what these are, but in case you didn’t let’s talk about what that is.
- The dictionary definition basically says that it is “an agreement made by a couple before they marry concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail.”
- It can not only contain information about current assets, but can also describe what happens with debt that is brought into the marriage, and can also describe what might happen with future assets as well.
Some interesting statistics around this idea of prenuptial agreements are written about in an article called “19 Interesting Prenuptial Agreement Statistics” which I have posted a link to in the show notes. Now remember this was written by an attorney so there could be some bias in this article toward the acceptability of a prenuptial agreement from a legal standpoint.
- He noted that it used to be much more prevalent for men to intiate a pre-nuptial agreement, but women are now closing this gap.
- 44% of singles report that having a pre-nup before entering marriage is a good idea. Of course this means a majority of 56% say it is not a good idea.
- 15% of people who have been through a divorce regret not having one in place.
- Only 5% of divorces in the U.S. have a pre-nup in place
- Of those surveyed, he says 62% of people say requesting a pre-nup agreement sends a negative signal.
- Over 50% of those surveyed said that signing a pre-nup would increase the chances of experiencing a divorce later on in marriage.
An interesting story you may have seen recently centers around the CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos and that he and his wife of 25 years are divorcing. They are worth personally around $137 billion dollars and have no pre-nuptial agreement in place. Their assets will be split but apparently according to law it does not necessarily need to be split 50-50. Again whether or not you thing a pre-nuptial agreement should have been signed is probably a debate for another time.
Since I am not an attorney, we will not be talking so much today about the legal aspects of whether or not this is a good idea but will more talk about the relational aspects and that if you do enter into one what might be some best practices to ensure your relationship is not negatively impacted.
Here are some things to consider when it comes to a prenuptial agreement and the impact on your relationship.
- Work out existing trust issues first. These could be generated by infidelity or other betrayals that happened in past relationships, maybe the two of you came together as the result of an affair you had, or maybe there are other betrayals that have happened since you have been together. If any of these are the case, the chances of a prenuptial agreement going well are certainly reduced.
- Begin Planning and Even Finalizing the Pre-Nup Well Before the Wedding Date. Are you giving the prenuptial agreement enough time to marinate and be processed by you and your partner. If it is tossed at one of you days before the wedding or in one case I heard it was done the night before the wedding, then chances are increased that there will be issues.
- Are you talking about it in advance of it being drafted? This will help
- Are you drafting it together? Do each of you feel that you have an equal voice. This is a tough because usually the income, assets, or debts are disparate so there may be an inherent difficulty in feeling equal.
- Make sure everything is disclosed. If you leave something out and it comes up later this can also cause major trust issues.
- Adding Clauses like saying something about that you will exhaust all efforts like counseling etc. to save the marriage if the marriage hits a tough spot before considering divorce.
Obviously proceed with caution when it comes to this idea of a prenuptial agreement because it can certainly have an impact far beyond anything financial.

Resources:

19 Interesting Prenuptial Agreement Statistics by Brandon Gaille

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

74: Is Alcohol An Issue in Your Remarriage Jan 22, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how the very common issue of how alcohol use can affect one or both partners or and can have a detrimental impact on the relationship. Often we as human beings will minimize our usage and the types of trouble it causes. Today we will take an in depth look at this issue. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Alcohol is a very common issue as we know. It affects lots of people, lots of families, and lots of relationships. Today we are going to talk more about this topic and how it affects our lives.
Did you know that according to a 2015 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, that around 86% percent of adults 18 and over report drinking alcohol, 70% or so report drinking in the last year, and 56% in the past month.
So what this says it that most of us drink at some points. But is drinking in and of itself a bad thing. There is certainly a debate on light alcohol usage being a problem as you may have heard studies that talk about the benefits of consuming small amounts of red wine on occasion.
Physically speaking light alcohol consumption can cause some issues but that are more easily reversible. There have been studies that show that in 90% of people that consume more than a half an ounce of alcohol per day that fat increases in the liver. Again though with reduction this will often decrease.
Even spiritually speaking, the Bible seems to suggest again that light alcohol consumption is acceptable. For example, in Ecclesiastes 9:7, it says “Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink you wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.” However, it does talk about getting drunk on wine as being unacceptable.
Relationally speaking you might recall times where you went out with your partner or others, enjoyed an alcoholic drink and have a fond memory.
However, alcohol issues are well documented in the issues they cause. Let’s first talk about the different stages of alcohol use. This according to an article called Stages of Alcoholism (link provided in resource section).
- Occasional Abuse and Binge Drinking
- - 5 or more alcoholic drinks within 2 hours for men and 4 or more in that same time period for women
- Increased Drinking (drinking occurring for these reasons)
- - Excuse to get together with friends
  - Alleviate stress (relax)
  - Boredom
  - Reduce sadness or loneliness (self-medicate)
- Problem Drinking (results that may occur):
- - Change in Friends
  - Relationship issues
  - Decreased social activity
  - Difficulty having conversations with friends
- Alcohol Dependence (not yet addicted)
- - Nausea unrelated to hangover
  - Sweating
  - Severe irritability
  - Racing heart
  - Tremors
  - Trouble sleeping
- Addiction
- - No longer drinking for pleasure, but drinking for a physiological or physical need
  - Other compulsive behaviors are present
  - Physical issues can include damage to liver, heart disease, brain damage, malnutrition, and mental health disorders
After going through this do you think alcohol might be an issue for you or your partner. Alcohol use is probably more prevalent in remarriage because of the difficult nature of divorce and all the issues that go on with the complications we endure.
Part of the issue with alcohol use is that none of us think we have a problem with but this is certainly far from the truth.
Along with that issues of not thinking we have a problem, means that we may think we don’t need to seek help or in fact may completely refuse any kind of help because the issue has so gripped us.
Best ways to get help for alcohol issues in your family
- Call SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). It is free and they will refer you to a state funded treatment program or a program that charges on a sliding scale. Go to their website for more information including lots of free useful pamphlets that you can see immediately. The link for that is also below in the show notes.
- Alcohol Rehabilitation in your area can be a helpful resource. These facilities generally offer in patient meaning extended stays and outpatient services.
- Alcoholics Anonymous is a group resource where you can talk to others who also struggle and gain support and encourage and accountability.
- Al-Anon is for those of you that are worried about a loved one with a drinking problem. You can get support and meet with others who also have loved ones with issues.
- Individual One on One Counseling with a certified substance abuse counselor can also help for more less intense alcohol issues that don’t require in patient type hospitalization
Please take alcohol consumption seriously and think about the warning signs and issues and get help if you need it. There are lots of caring people out the ready to help and if you don’t find someone who cares, then hang up and try someone else.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this site does not constitute legal, accounting, or mental health advice, and there has been no professional-client relationship formed in the use of this website.

Resources:

Stages of Alcoholism Article

SAMHSA Helpline Website

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

73: Let's Stop Comparing Our Blended Families to Others Jan 15, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how comparing our family situation can cause us harm and not allow us to experience the love and happiness that might be right there all along. In the era of social media, we often see other families highlight real and don’t see the struggles. We will talk about this issue on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all about talking about the trap of comparison. Of course we will talk mostly about comparison with other blended families, but as we know comparison can get us in trouble individually.
Do you ever talk to someone you know like a friend, a colleague, or some other individual in your life and you see what you perceive is great happiness, confidence, and satisfaction in life? There is no problem in seeing this, but it is typically what our brain then does with this information that causes us issues. We can assimilate the information in many ways. Here are some examples:
- We can be thankful for them that they have things together and be happy that their life at least externally speaking appears to be working how they want it to be.
- We can be happy for them, but often wonder if maybe there are struggles. After all we all have struggles. Sometimes it might be good to ask if there are struggles. This sometimes has a way of connecting us with other human beings.
- We can begin to compare what we are perceiving in this other person’s life with our own life. Obviously when we are only seeing what I call the highlight reel and we compare it to the full scope of the difficulties we might be facing this can be tough and can quickly bring us down.
Staying away from comparison to other blended families can be tough to especially if we don’t know the full story. Of course you are not alone in the comparison game, because I guarantee others might be comparing what think is your perfect family set-up.
Let’s talk about some statistics from Judith Wallerstein who authored “Second Chances” and “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” which was a study over 25 years. Here is some of what she found:
- More than half, in 55% of children do not do well after divorce
- The study showed that 50% of women and 30% of men were still angry with their ex-spouse
- Most stated they never had a good working model for how a good marriage should go.
- Most divorced parents don’t provide the time, the right discipline, and are less sensitive because they are caught up in their own divorce.
Now you are probably saying to yourself, this is all and well and good but it is not other blended families and divorce situations that I compare myself to, it is those who are in first marriages and those that they have the so called nuclear family.
- Well as we know the oft quoted statistic which we are all familiar with and have that is lived is that first marriages end 50% of the time.
- Of course this means that 50% of first marriages were not happy, however there is a percentage that have stayed married who are also unhappy.
- There are different studies, but often it is quoted that about 60% of people are currently happy in their marriage. This means that probably about 40% of people you meet who are in their first marriage are not necessarily happy.
- Now these statistics are not given to make us feel better at other’s expense but more to shed light on the reality that relationships are difficult for lots of people not just me and not just you.
- In fact I think relationships with other people are one of the hardest things on the planet! You are dealing with another human being who has millions of brain cells that may be somewhat different than yours which leads into different personalities, and there are different life experiences, and different worldviews that cause differences in our lives and our perceptions.
Ways to Stop Comparing
- Putting God first in your life is probably going to be the easiest way to stop comparing. If you work to read his word and pray you can begin to ask him to open up your mind to what is good about what you have and how you can use that for good for others.
- Remember you are seeing others highlight reels on social media. This is not a true picture of their life it is only a representation of what they want you to see. Why don’t we create a social media platform called “Realbook” that forces us to show the scars and difficulties in our lives?
- Get deep with others. Have more than surface level connections with other blended families, but ask them what their struggles are and you might find something that you can help with.
- Putting your behaviors ahead and your feelings. Again if you are feeling that you don’t have the kind of blended family life you desire, then begin to make a plan (and don’t forget to include input from all family members) to make your family situation what you want.
- Focus on What is Already Good. This is often a cliched way of looking at life, but research shows over and over again that this kind of thinking does work.
Remember your blended family and life are probably like many others out there that you just don’t really recognize. Be grateful for what you do have and what you are not grateful for, make a plan to get it moving in a better direction.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected