The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

102: Who’s Fault Was Your Divorce? Aug 06, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the concept of fault when it comes to divorce. As human beings we often want to assign blame for the failure of our marriage. Sometimes we blame our spouse and sometimes we blame ourselves. This might not be the most productive use of your time and it also might not even be the right question. We will explore this today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Unfortunately, our culture has taught us to become very quick to blame someone when it doesn’t go our way. More often that not, we are taught to blame someone else. For example, if I run out of gas I might think to blame my wife for not telling me the tank was low when she drove the car last night. Or maybe since my boss was so hard on me yesterday, that he caused me to not be able to concentrate on anything but the mistake I made at work.
Sometimes this blame is so prevalent that it just comes very quickly and almost automatically.
We think about how sue happy our society has become as well. There has been lots of work done to reduce frivolous lawsuits but they still happen with great regularity. I am sure you can think of lawsuit that you heard of that is in that category. Many people felt that person that sued McDonalds back in the 1980’s over hot coffee was just such an act.
So all this being said, when we go through a painful divorce we are often looking for who to blame. Blame can often make us feel better to a degree because it is like our brain is then able to wrap around why something happened. A divorce and dissolved relationship is already confusing and complicated enough but if our brain can make sense of who did what and who is accountable then it can sometimes bring relief to anxiety and uncertainty.
But is someone really to blame solely for a divorce? Unless, we are talking some sort of abuse then the answer is generally “No.” Even in cases of affairs and infidelity, we could ultimately trace back the issue to a disconnection in the emotional bond between you two.
Additionally it isn’t the right question to ask because the two of you are involved in a system of dancing in which you both play a part. You act and react based on things you see in the system and the thoughts and feelings that are generated from that. It is much more complicating than looking at the actions on the surface.
I like what Sue Johnson, the creator of something called Emotionally Focused Therapy says about this dance. She says that we as a couple get caught in one, two, or three types of “Demon Dialogues.” These are patterns of behaviors that develop and take root due to actions, thoughts and feelings. Here are the dances of dialogues that she says are most common:
- Find The Bad Guy: This dance involves two people pursuing and pushing to determine who the worst person in the interaction is. This often will result in the kitchen sink coming out against one or both. The fight will generally continue to escalate because neither wants to back down.
- The Protest Polka: The dance involves a pursuer and withdrawer. One pushes and escalates as the other retreats and withdraws. As each person goes further into their pattern, the more it pushes the other’s buttons
- Who This involves two people who have withdraw and simply do not communicate. One person in the interaction may have been a pursuer who pushed but not anymore.
The longer these patterns and dialogues exist in a relationship the higher the chance of relationship demise.
According to Johnson’s work, neither person in the interaction is the bad guy, but it is the interaction they get entangled with that is the bad guy. Once couples start to realize this the more they can work together to interrupt these cycles.
So what are the things that you should look out for in this cycle?
- Your actions
- Your Partners Actions
- Your thoughts (and your partner’s thoughts) or “what you made up about this situation”
- Your triggers (and your partner’s triggers) (past events that may have escalated the issue – this can include past relationships, your childhood, and/or things that have built up over time in your current relationship
- Your primary emotions (and your partner’s primary emotions) (there are 6 that most accept – Anger, Disgust, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise)
- Your more vulnerable emotions and your partner’s more vulnerable emotions (the softer feelings underneath the primary emotions like loneliness or unworthiness for example)
- Your and your partner’s unmet attachment needs
So what does all of this means. It means the idea of who is to blame is rather complicated because of everything that goes into a decision or action that is made. Rather often times our actions make complete sense when we line them up against our thoughts, emotions, triggers, and unmet needs.

So the key here is to be more aware of all that is going on especially in our own brains so that we can interrupt decisions that might detrimental to the dance we are engaged in with our partner.

101: Married Again, But Still Grieving Divorce? Jul 30, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about a rather common issue of not fully being emotionally past a divorce and past marriage even after you have married currently. Grieving is a process and is difficult and mostly impossible to stop or speed up. We will talk about ways to cope with this issue to lessen the burden on you are you current spouse. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When something painful happens we all must go through the grieving process. For some it starts immediately and progresses quickly. For others it stops and starts and feels very slow. Unfortunately, it is complicated and there are lots of factors at play when it comes to this issue. They include:
- How long ago did the divorce occur? This one is pretty obvious but bears discussing that they less time between divorce and remarriage the higher likelihood you will be grieving in some way.
- Who initiated the divorce? Often if you initiated it, it means you had more time to grieve even while still married. If you were blindsided or somewhat unaware then the process takes longer.
- How have you moved through significant troubling events in the past? These can include death of loved ones, legal troubles, serious health issues, or job loss just to name a few.
- Your age at time of divorce can also play a role. Sometimes but not always if you are older and have more life experiences the grieving process can move more quickly.
- How are the other parts of your life operating? How you are doing financially, your relationships with others, stress from raising kids, stress from a job can all interrupt the grieving process.
So then what are the stages of grieving? Before we talk about this remember that the grieving process is not linear meaning that you can bounce back and forth through the stages. Usually though the more return to past stages, the more it will hopefully speed up the next time through.
- Denial: I can’t or don’t believe this is happening.
- Anger: Once the numb wears off this emotion will usually flood in
- Bargaining: This is the stage where we ask “what if questions.” What if I had been home more? What if I had not been so angry all the time?
- Depression: After we realize there either is nothing we could have done or that it doesn’t matter, then sometimes great sadness sets in.
- Acceptance: At this stage, we can sometimes feel we have accepted things and then slip back but eventually this will take hold completely.
So what can you do as you work through your grieving of a past relationship even while married again?
- Don’t believe the myth that you can speed up grieving
- Don’t believe the myth that there is a timeline
- Know that you are not less of a human for not feeling strong enough. All humans go through this process.
- If you feel comfortable discuss this with your current spouse. If trust and commitment are strong with each of you then it should be a good discussion.
- Talk to others who might be experiencing this now or have in the past.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

100: How to Make Your Marriage Work This Time Jul 23, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer brings back his favorite guest – his wife Heather Mayer. In today’s episode, they both talk through what are some of the foundational pieces of the relationship that helps to keep their bond strong. Take some of what you hear today and work to implement these things into your own relationship. Just because a past marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t meant that the next one won’t work out. Listen to this episode with your significant other so you can get the most out of what you are hearing together. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Ever heard the quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” This one is often quoted to Albert Einstein but apparently this is not true and some research on the subject shows that it may have been attributed to Rita Mae Brown an author who wrote this in her 1983 book called Sudden Death. But that is not what is most important. It is the quote itself. We can’t keep doing in our current relationships what we did in our past relationships. “2+2” is always going to equal “4.” In order to get “5” we have to change one of the parts. If we don’t we will continue to get “4” as the answer.
Let’s talk about a more positive thought or quote and that is “If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently” by Bill Watterson (cartoonist who wrote “Calvin and Hobbes”). This might mean different things to different people, but it could mean that we have to get outside our current situation sometimes and look at the relationship as a whole and spend more time thinking and cultivating that than putting so much time in the “Argument du jour (of the day).”
Today Brian and Heather will talk about some ways that they work and interact together, that helps them take their eyes off of the tornado that might be presently surrounding them and onto the calm waters of the type of relationship they truly desire.
- Forgiveness is very important. This is letting your partner off the hook and to stop punishing them for something they have done. It doesn’t mean you trust again or that you condone the behavior. Sometimes you have to do this from afar if safety is an issue and abuse is present.
- Spending Time Together. In today’s busy and crazy world, with long work hours, different schedules, kids, and their activities this one can be difficult. Be proactive when it comes to this one. If you both belong to the gym and can coordinate working out together as an example then do that. Or after the kids go to bed make it a point to spend a bit of quality time together.
- Letting Things Go. This one can be a bit like forgiveness but it more has to do with the individual mental choice to move on from a situation. This can really help to promote better good will, when you can remember a situation that did not go well but you can’t remember the specifics of what you talked about. Of course don’t sweep things under the rug but also don’t hold grudges.
- Not Trying to Change The Other. If you spend a lot of your time trying to change someone else you might be waiting a long time. Sometimes it might never happen. Spend most of your time reflecting on what you are doing and how might you work on changing. Often this type of thinking will have a positive impact on changing your partner (sometimes not though).
- Dealing With Past Baggage. This one is difficult because we often do not realize that we are reacting to our current spouse because of something that was done in our past relationship or childhood. The first step in doing anything about this is recognizing it is happening and then secondly working to disconnect from it. If you can’t do this on your own then seeking help from a professional that can certainly speed that process up.
- Spiritual Beliefs. In Heather and Brian’s case, they have a strong Christian faith. While not perfect they both will work to grow closer to God and in doing so usually grow closer to each other. Think about a triangle with each of you at the different points in the base and God at top as you grow closer to God you will automatically grow close to each other.
- Prioritize Each Other’s Love Language. The 5 Love Languages according to the book by Gary Chapman are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts. For Brian, his greatest love language is words of affirmation while Heather’s is physical touch. They both work hard to make sure they are loving the other in that love language.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

99: Stepfamily Styles - Which One are You? Jul 16, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer takes at the different ways we try to bring our stepfamilies together. Today’s episodes is based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal. In it he describes 5 different ways we attempt to bring our families together. Five of these he considers unhealthy – Blender, Food Processor, Microwave, Pressure Cooker, and Tossed. One he considers healthy – Crockpot Cooking. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There are so many different ways and methods that people have tried to bring stepfamilies and blended families together. In fact there might just as many ways as there are families.
Today we are going to talk about 6 typical ways that partners try to bring families together in these new circumstances. These are all based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.
He considers 5 of these to be rather unhealthy and 1 way to be healthy.
Let’s discuss the Unhealthy Styles first:
- Blender: This involves whipping everyone together into one mixture and not assuming that each ingredient will relate to the other. Imagine making fruit smoothie and adding salmon. Doesn’t sound real good does it? In this method, teens are treated the same as younger children and each child is viewed the same even though experiences might have been different.
- Food Processor: This involves bringing everyone together at rapid speed but that each may begin to feel torn into pieces when things do go right. Deal talks about attempting to replace a biological father with a stepfather and expecting the children to view the stepfather in the same way.
- Microwave: He talks about this family ignoring the fact that they are a stepfamily, because they feel like it makes them less than so. There is a fear of not being accepted by others if they only knew that you were a stepfamily. Not accepting the challenges on a stepfamily can cause issues.
- Pressure Cooker: Great expectations can often cause the lid to blow off. This one happens when parents put too much pressure on themselves and the kids to make the new stepfamily work. Deal talks about forcing kids to like a stepparent because the parent likes them and that it will be easier this way. Forcing someone to like someone else is like, try to climb a pole that has been greased completely with olive oil (to use a another cooking analogy).
- Tossed: This style is like throwing everything in the air and again expecting it to fit together neatly. Some examples include a revolving door of dating that causes kids no stability or allowing kids that might remain home to disturb a child’s possessions who is gone to the other home, can give a tossed salad feel.
The healthy style is called Crockpot Cooking:
- Time and Low Heat are essential. What does this mean? It means patience and less pressure. I don’t know about you but slow cooking is about the best way to enjoy food. All the flavors just ramp up the longer they are allowed to cook. I think about soups etc also that are heated up the next day that taste even better.
- Don’t Rush. Allow time for everyone to settle in. You may have heard before, but sometimes it can many years for a blended family to settle in and sometimes it never fully happens.
- Low Heat may mean spending time with kids especially doing things they like to. This could mean that every child has something different they enjoy so you may need to work to carve out more 1:1 time with them to help them blend well.
Hope you have enjoyed some thoughts on what to do and what not to do when it comes to blending a family.
Don’t give up hope and most of all don’t give into the myths that this thing we call blending is supposed to work quickly and easily.

Resources:

The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

98: It Might Be True, But Should You Say It? Jul 09, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer takes another look at communication. This episode might be helpful for those of you who have a more direct communication style or were brought up in a home where everybody spoke their mind and no one seemed to care who they offended. Well now that you are in another relationship, let’s talk about whether or not this is productive. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Ever heard of the phrase, “would you rather be right or be married?” All too often we don’t really think too much about this before we let our comments fly.
Often people will respond to this by saying, “well this is just the way I am” or “my partner is just too sensitive” or “I don’t have time for all this dancing around, I just need to get to the answer”
This may have worked in your childhood, this may have even worked in a past relationship, it often works well at work because we get paid to spot problems and to solve them. In a relationship not everything is a problem that needs to be solved.
Ever heard of the cliché, “when you hold a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail?” In other words when you view everything through the lens of a problem/solution framework, then you urgently must get things solved.
The problem with this mentality is that this usually slows the process down. Why is this? This happens because our partner presents us with something that is bothering them and they are simply looking for emotional connection and not presenting a problem to be solved.
In fact sometimes attempting to solve the problem too quickly actually causes the problem to deepen.
So should we force our opinion when we believe it is true and must be said? Often the argument around this issue is whether or not the issue itself is true, this is the wrong argument.
Encourage the two of you to stop arguing over whether something is true or not and simply hear the emotions that are being present. And work to connect with the emotions you are hearing.
Sometimes though this is more difficult because we often hear anger or frustration instead of what underlies that is usually fear or something similar.
So let’s talk about some ways that you can stay away from saying something even if you believe it to be true.
- Get curious. Again as stated earlier, listen for the emotions in your partner and look to connect to them.
- Ask questions to gain clarity on the emotions and not on the “events.”
- Show empathy. Empathy is simply connecting with the feelings in your partner that you have inside of yourself. So if you hear fear or loneliness think about a time where you felt this way and then express that connection to your partner.
- Explore when you are triggered. A trigger is something inside of you that gets poked when your partner says something to you. Ask yourself, “why is this so triggering and bothersome?” What sore spot is this getting to?
- Rather than saying something to tear your partner down, how about saying it in a different way. I once had a male client say that he believed there was nothing wrong with calling his partner “fat” because he said it was true. Now we could have argued over whether or not that was true, but honestly that is a subjective argument. Instead, we talked about the appropriateness and also the negative feedback loop that this would generate.
- Use humor when appropriate. This one is tricky because if you use it at the wrong time or too often then it can backfire and you partner may believe that you aren’t really there for them. But used appropriately can be extremely powerful.
This episode is back to basics and really can apply to your relationship whether or not you are in a subsequent marriage after divorce. But it is probably more important to us who have been in marriages that have not worked out so that we can begin to work on the patterns that may have gotten us in trouble in the first place.

Communication comes up over and over again as an issue that we all could continue to work on. So don’t get up but keep working and take off the problem solving glasses and put on the emotion seeking glasses and your relationship will be better for it for sure.

97: Are You Contemplating Divorce Again? Jul 02, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks the difficult subject of thinking about divorce again. It is very common to have these thoughts again in a subsequent marriage. We will talk about this issue and some of the issues that could be a signal that you are beginning to walk down that path. You have to make you own decision to be sure but this episode will hopefully help you to pause and process through this pretty significant issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you are divorced and remarried to someone else and have ever thought about divorce you are very normal. This is a very common thought. Of course the frequency of the thought along with the severity of the circumstances will certainly determine the likelihood this might actually happen.
Fun fact about marriages and divorce, by a man by the name of Glynn Wolfe holds the record for most monogamous marriages in U.S. history at 29. He even remarried 3 of the women he had previous divorced. He probably also holds the record for most thoughts about divorce most likely although something we cannot verify.
Now back to thoughts and actions that might be driving you toward divorce, but before that I must admit I have had thoughts about divorce in my second and current marriage. These thoughts actually occurred maybe 1-2 years into my marriage. Fortunately it was only said once and was in anger (not great but quickly determined there was no basis in reality for this.
Now let’s talk a bit about the things you may have thought about or actually that could mean that you thoughts about divorce could have more substance.
- If you think about divorce when you are not emotional or angry.
- You have discussed divorce with a close friend, family member, clergy or other professional.
- You have thoughts about what it might be like to be alone again at times when you are not angry.
- You have researched divorce attorneys.
- You are hiding money or have set up a separate bank account.
- You currently have separate bank accounts and you are doing things with your money that you know your spouse may not approve.
- You have discussed specific plans for divorce with your spouse and have thought a lot about how and what you might say.
- You have had thoughts about how the kids would be shared and how time might be divided up.
- You have been separated with your current spouse in the past or currently.
If you have thought or done these things above then for sure you are probably further along in your desire for divorce than simply just having a fleeting thought.
Now do any of these mean that you are working toward divorce without potential for return, of course not. You can always make a different choice.
Remember though physical abuse is a much different animal and safety is the number one priority. You must ensure you are safe first and all else takes a back seat.
Other than physical abuse, you can work on the issue of thinking about divorce in a constructive manner with your spouse assuming of course they are looking to work for it as well.
Just remember there is always hope and you can turn things around. This happened for me when I had a brief thought about throwing in the towel on my second marriage.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

96: How to Handle "Not Your Kids" Jun 25, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks how to deal with the kids that aren’t yours biologically. In other words dealing with “Not Your Kids” can be so much more difficult and complicated than dealing with your own kids. We will talk about this issue and some helpful tips in regard to how to handle this issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Before we dive into today’s topic, I just want to take a moment to talk about how a couple of friend who has an incredibly positive mindset impacted my thought process on all sorts of things.
The first friend talked about not jumping to conclusions before I have all the facts. He said it is best to get several points of view about what happened because making a decision about what to do.
The second friend after talking about someone else who just seemed to be giving every one a hard time, said something like maybe we should get her a gift for her hard work. I was thinking wow how is it that I am running into so many people this weekend that have such a positive outlook on life and people.
Maybe in some ways this does have to do with today’s topic, because we will be talking about how to handle the stepkids even when it seems impossible.
Let’s face it these are not your children, and so you may be finding it hard to really love then like your own children, and you probably feel like disciplining and talking to them is like stepping on land mines at every turn.
What are some things you can do to help in this situation. Let’s talk about this now:
- Stay united with your spouse.
- If you cannot stay united, then work to defer to your spouse when it comes to the stepkids.
- You don’t have to love your stepkids like you own kids. You might be surprised that I say this, but the reality is that this may never happen. Now I am talking more about your thoughts and feelings and not your actions. It is perfectly ok that you will never capture the same type of feelings for them that you do your own kids.
- Don’t rush your stepkids acceptance of you. As we have talked on this show, this can take a long time and in some cases may never happen.
- Don’t take it personally when your stepkids don’t warm to you.
- Don’t get walked all over either. Do stand up for yourself.
- Have regular meetings with your spouse to discuss how things are going and also to talk about future expectations.
- Don’t read your child’s mind. You might think they are purposefully disobeying because they are trying to manipulate or they could just acting out because they are hurt.
- Be a good role model. As hard as this is, be the kind of parent that you want your step kids to be when they become parents or even stepparents.
- Get to know your stepkids, including their likes and dislikes. Then do things with them like a friend would do. Of course you don’t need to be a friend in all circumstances, but when you pick things to do that are fun try to keep the friend perspective in mind.

Remember that integrating stepkids into the family and into your routines can take some time so be patient. Don’t give up!

95: Did Your Parents Married Life Affect Your Married Life? Jun 18, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how your past and what you saw in your parents married life may have affected your married life. There is no doubt that divorce happens for many reasons but sometimes it happens in part because of what we saw when we were growing up. We will talk about this important issue that may affect your remarriage and blended family experiences. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Divorce happens for lots of reasons for sure. Sometimes it is because we aren’t getting along, sometimes it happens because of a major betrayal like infidelity, sometimes it happens because you drifted emotionally apart due to work issues that cause different schedules, long hours, or terrible travel schedules. But sometimes there might be other factors at play.
Today we talk about who much your parents married life and what you saw growing up may have had an impact in the ending of your previous marriage(s).
The research is actually a mixed bag on whether this an important factor. In one study it was shown there is something to this issue. I am putting a link below in the Resources section but it showed in a longitudinal study that females had a 69% increased chance of divorce if her parents divorced while her chances increased a whopping 189% if both her and her spouses parents were divorced.
In my own life this is a mixed bag. I am divorced, and my parents were divorced, but they were divorced when I was 2 years old. I don’t really ever remember them being together so I don’t recall what it was like to hear them have difficulties while they were married. However, they did have difficulties in getting along throughout my childhood.
When it comes to my wife, who also experienced a divorce before marrying me, grew up with parents who stayed married and in fact a few months ago celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife reports that in general that had a happy and healthy marriage while she was growing up.
So anecdotally in my experience, I would have to say that I would be unsure if it is truly a causation.
Probably the biggest helpful factor in how a parent’s marriage would affect a child’s marriage would be a happy and healthy one. If parent’s stay married while not happy or if they divorce, would seem to suggest not as good for children than if parents are happy and healthy.
Lets talk about though what some of the issues your parents went through that could cause problems:
- Poor conflict management. Did your parents fight in front of you? Was there escalated conflict. Did they raise their voices?
- Emotional of Physical Violence. Did you witness horrible name calling, throwing or destroying property?
- Did you end up spending the night with relatives because things got so bad between your parents or a parent in a subsequent marriage?
- Lack of Time Your Mother and Father Spent Together prior to divorce. Did one or both parents work or travel too much?
- Lack of Family Activities that Included Both Mom and Dad. Do you remember a lack of both parents attending your sports or other activities?
- Lack of affection shown such as hugging by your parents.
Ultimately, the divorce(s) that you went through are complicated in there reasons for why they happened, but the relationship your parents had if they stayed married or if they got divorced could have certainly played a part in your divorce.
Something to think about for sure as you look back at your life and something to think in regard to your children. The bottomline with your kids is that while their life may have been difficult up to this point, your have some responsibility and ability to reduce the chance that your children ever experience divorce.

Resources:

If My Parents Are Divorced, Is My Marriage Doomed to Fail?

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

94: Why is Blending So Hard and What to Do About It Jun 11, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about why blended two families together after previous divorces is so hard. There are so many things at play that occur in the situation that don’t occur in a first marriage. We will talk about these and some of what you can do to make this easier on yourself and others in the family. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We say it all the time. Getting married again after divorce is HARD. It is hard for many reasons and researchers say it can take many years to feel like a biological nuclear family and in some cases it will never feel that way.
Today we talk about the factors that get in the way of feeling good about blending.
- Let’s start with genetics. There are more opportunities for different personalities to be present in a blended family because you all do not come from the same family tree.
- There were different life experiences for each family. Maybe there was abuse present in your past experience and not in your spouse’s past or vice versa.
- The general expectations of one or more family members that this new experience will go exactly like the previous one. Families are like fingerprints and no two are exactly the same.
- Shuttling kids between families is probably not normal to anyone and thus gaining a comfort level for this back and forth is so difficult to achieve.
- A more rigid structure in one family and a more relaxed structure in the other family can often cause issues. There will often be arguments about bedtimes, dinner planning and prep, and when schoolwork and chores and tasks get done.
- Getting caught in the middle when the other family is involved. It is common for the biological parent to feel caught in the middle of the other ex-spouse and the current spouse and the differing needs of each. Often the current spouse will often feel like an outsider. As a result often resentment can build.
- Your parents or your spouses parents may have better feelings about an ex-spouse. In many situations, the ex-spouse might be invited to things that make it very uncomfortable for you or maybe you have a general sense that the ex-spouse is liked better than you.
- Anger of the kids about their biological parents splitting can often last through their entire childhood. Gulp!
- Finances can cause problems. This issue can come from all sorts of areas. Maybe there is a lack of trust between you and your spouse because of past hurts and so you keep finances very divided. Maybe there are constant disagreements about what family pays for what in a blended family.
- Disparate feelings about parenting and discipline. One of you wants to trust then verify and the other wants to verify then trust. One believe is more harsh consequences and the other believes in light consequences. The issue becomes that you both feel right about your position.
So what in the heck can you do about this? We could literally spend all day talking through each one of those and in fact we have done past episodes where we have dug deeper on most of these issues. If we tried to get a response to each of these it could be overwhelming
- So….Take a Breath. In fact take a deep breath! You are good enough. You are in the right place at the right time.
- Step back from the Trees to Look at the Forest. We often get so caught up in the day to day mess and craziness that we often don’t assess the overall picture and how much we have actually accomplished.
- Control what you can and give the rest over to God. This is hard if you are prone to anxiety, obsessive compulsiveness, or perfectionism. You cannot control the attitudes and moods of everyone in the house nor should you have to.
- Where is the Balance? Typically women want to take responsibility for too much and men typically don’t take enough responsibility. The two of you need to discuss where you are with this and determine where you fall short and then work to better come together.
- When it comes to your Wants and Needs and your partners, have a discussion that centers around the following:
- - Express Your Needs and Wants
  - When You Hear Those Needs and Wants state gently whether you can meet that need, meet it with some changes, or that you cannot meet that need.
  - If you can meet a need, then do it! If you can meet it with some negotiation then the two of you should work on that now. If you cannot meet it, then you need to ask can you both live with it not being met or is it a deal breaker for the relationship.
Ultimately, there is a lot of moving parts in a blended family and it will often feel like juggling flaming swords. You are not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing. Again just remember you are in the right place at the right time with the right people.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

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93: How to Reframe Your Mind Toward Your New Family Jun 04, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer takes at how negative we can be as human beings and how reframing to a more positive mindset can shift what happens in your blended family. Science says that negativity acts like glue in our brains and that positivity is like a slip and slide. In other words negativity often is hard to get rid of and positivity is hard to retain. We will talk about this along with some strategies to shift into a more positive frame of mind. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If we are honest with ourselves, we often will stay focused on negative aspects of our spouses or kids behaviors and conversely spend little time thinking about the positive.
Think about the last time you went out to a restaurant that was mostly a great experience but with a few things that either could have been better or that were not good at all. How do we respond when someone asks us about our experience? Generally we will say something like, “Overall it was a good experience, but the bathrooms were not clean, the server didn’t bring my request for garlic aioli, or my order of fries were cold.
Isn’t it interesting in that example above that we speak in generalities about the positives, but get really specific about the negatives. We do the same thing in our important relationships. We might say he is a good husband, but I don’t like that he leaves the toilet seat up or he is generally a good stepson except that he treats my daughter terribly.
What if we thought and spoke differently. What if we said the quality of the beef in the burgers was tremendous, our server was extremely friendly, and the price to quality was very good, and really there was just some minor issues we had that we didn’t like.
Same goes for our relationships. What if we said, my stepson is very thoughtful with most people he encounters, he gets great grades academically and somehow is able to deal with the transitions well when coming from his father’s house to us, but he does have difficulty in a relationship or two.
This slight subtle change in what details you give can enhance what others think about you but can also help your attitude and mood toward those in your family shift toward the positive as well.
Why is this hard to do though? According to an article in Psychology Today that I will post in the show notes, called Our Brain's Negative Bias there is evidence that our brain is more skewed toward holding the negative.
In an experiment by John Cacioppi, Ph.D. while at the Ohio State University, he that the brain fires more when presented with negative news far and above when it presents positive news. This probably goes back to the days when we were so called cavemen and cavewoman and had to fend for our lives against animals that might be our predators. Our brains needed to be much more alert to the negative because this meant a possible life or death situation.
So if I am honest with you, I have what I consider a filing cabinet in my brain. In it I will place all the positive and negative experiences there. Then from time to time, without me fully being aware or conscious I will open the file cabinet and search the files until I find a negative one. I will put out the file, lay out all the papers on the desk and then study them intently for many minutes. At some point I realize what is happening and I have to mentally collect all of the papers, put them back in the file and lock the cabinet.
But what if we took this a step further. Here is one recommendation I have for you to begin to change your negative thinking about your spouse or your children or stepchildren.
Take the mentally negative thought and write it on a piece of paper. Ponder it for a few minutes making the mental decision that rather than it be placed back in the file cabinet, that it needs to be destroyed forever. Then I would suggest doing something like burning it up so it changes form and that you have a visual of it being changed forever.
Secondly, when you notice having a negative thought about a family member, think about what is actually good about what is happening. Let me give you a real life example. At some point I started to think that I initiated a kiss more times than my wife did with me. I remember my attitude toward her started to sink. I even went so far as to tell her about my thoughts and this of course did not go well. Slowly over time I decided to start thinking about what was good about this. I began to realize that everytime I initiated the kiss, she would never reject that. I began to feel much better and even happily pointed this out to her.
Thirdly, think about your first mental thought about something is presented to you. Is it negative or positive? Keep a log of when someone asks you something and whether or not you think about how something won’t work or why it can’t be done or instead are you thinking about the possibilities and why something will work? Scientists call the negative response being cognitively lazy in that when we are negative we can then choose not to do anything which feels less taxing and draining than saying yes to something that requires us to possibly change.
Why is this important in a blended family? It is so important because we often do not realize the volume of negativity that has been uploaded into our brains over time. From the disappointment of a previous marriage that has been dissolved, a partner rejecting you, or maybe a child choosing to live with the other parent can all begin to rewire your brain.
I would highly recommend that you listen to my Mindfulness Mini-series which are specific episodes on how to retrain your brain to begin to recognize your thoughts and also how you are reacting and responding in the here and now. Those episodes are Session 40, Session 41, and Session 42.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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