The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage Dec 24, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time you know that we talk a lot about patience in the journey that your stepfamily is taking. Sometimes we get so caught in the agony and pain of the moment that it is hard to see through to what is next or what is possible.
In this 3 part series we will be taking a look at this journey and what it commonly looks like for most families. This will hopefully give you a good sense of what to expect as your stepfamily matures.
In these episodes we will be using Patricia Papernow’s 3 stages of stepfamily development as the backdrop for our discussion today. She breaks it down into Early, Middle, and Later Stages.
In today’s episode we will be talking about the Later Stage. In this stage she further divides this into the chapters: Contact and Resolution.
The later stage is what we are all trying to achieve. I am a Cincinnati Reds baseball fan and former color commentator Joe Nuxhall used to say and the end of every broadcast, “Rounding Third and Heading for Home.” This is where we are in this stage. Heading toward to home stretch with victory in sight!
- In chapter 1 of the Later Stage, Papernow describes a Contact chapter. The agreements have now been made and while things are not perfect, it is like the family has now reached for even ground after climbing from the pit and are positioned to begin the climb up the mountain. Relationships between spouses and children now become sources of positivity and encouragement. More clearly defined roles are now present and so the relationships can now be the focus rather than the issues and disagreements.
- In the final chapter, Resolution occurs. A new history and a new normal begins to develop. Although some of the children may still not feel as much of a part of the family as others in this stage some acceptance has occurred. Major disagreements like custody arrangements, who will handle expenses has either been resolved or seem less volatile.
Check out Episode 120 when we discussed the Early Stages of Stepfamily development which involve Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness.
In the next episode 121 we will discuss the Middle Stage of Stepfamily development which involve Mobilization and Action chapters. So check that one out as well in case you missed it.
Just remember to be patient. The difficulties you may be facing you family are temporary. You will move along and some challenges will disappear and others will appear.
According to Papernow, stepfamilies who move through all 3 stages do so in about 4 years. The average time for most stepfamilies is 7 years and some can take as long as 12 years. Unfortunately some stepfamilies end in divorce, others can get stuck in the early stages, and a small number complete the whole cycle.
It appears that those who complete the cycle, tend to negotiate the early stages quicker.

Resources:

Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

121: Stepfamily Development - Part 2 The Middle Stage Dec 17, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time you know that we talk a lot about patience in the journey that your stepfamily is taking. Sometimes we get so caught in the agony and pain of the moment that it is hard to see through to what is next or what is possible.
In this 3 part series we will be taking a look at this journey and what it commonly looks like for most families. This will hopefully give you a good sense of what to expect as your stepfamily matures.
In these episodes we will be using Patricia Papernow’s 3 stages of stepfamily development as the backdrop for our discussion today. She breaks it down into Early, Middle, and Later Stages.
In today’s episode we will be talking about the Middle Stage. In this stage she further divides this into the chapters if you will: Mobilization and Action chapters.
According to Papernow the middle stage can be quite chaotic and often fueled by lots of conflict. The differences used to simmer below the surface are now coming forth a bit more often and with more severity.
- The Mobilization chapter is marked by the couple in particular will fight over seemingly small matters but in reality it is something else at play. The fights are more about making changes. These changes are extremely uncomfortable at times and will generate disagreements over the smallest matters such as where is it best to hang a picture in the living room or maybe even like what photos to display.
- The Action chapter is all about negotiation. It is lots of discussion about how best the family should operate and what types of boundary lines should be drawn. When these boundary lines are drawn then every member of the family can better understand their roles and how to function in the family.
Check out Episode 120 when we discussed the Early Stages of Stepfamily development which involve Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness.
In the final Episode 122 of the series we will discuss the Later Stage of Stepfamily development which involve the Contact Stage and the Resolution Stage
Just remember to be patient. The difficulties you may be facing you family are temporary. You will move along and some challenges will disappear and others will appear.
According to Papernow, stepfamilies who move through all 3 stages do so in about 4 years. The average time for most stepfamilies is 7 years and some can take as long as 12 years. Unfortunately some stepfamilies end in divorce, others can get stuck in the early stages, and a small number complete the whole cycle.
It appears that those who complete the cycle, tend to negotiate the early stages quicker.

Resources:

Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

120: Stepfamily Development - Part 1 The Early Stage Dec 10, 2019

Show notes

Today's Goodies

If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time you know that we talk a lot about patience in the journey that your stepfamily is taking. Sometimes we get so caught in the agony and pain of the moment that it is hard to see through to what is next or what is possible.
In this 3 part series we will be taking a look at this journey and what it commonly looks like for most families. This will hopefully give you a good sense of what to expect as your stepfamily matures.
In these episodes we will be using Patricia Papernow’s 3 stages of stepfamily development as the backdrop for our discussion today. She breaks it down into Early, Middle, and Later Stages.
In today’s episode we will be talking about the Early Stage. In this stage she further divides this into the chapters if you will: Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness.
As you know, in the early stages there is not much trust and a definite feeling around for each person’s place in this new family. Pain and hurt is probably common. Present alliances are strong and new ones seem like a pipe dream.
- In chapter 1 of the Early Stage, Papernow describes a Fantasy chapter. In this period, the adult main focus is to heal the past pain and will generally be viewing this new situation as a value add to their lives. Children in this stage often see things completely the opposite. They will often wish their parents were back together and simply do not like or understand this new situation.
- The Immersion chapter happens when conflict begins to happen between biological families. All sorts of emotions like anger, jealousy, and bitterness start to set in during this time. Children begin to feel caught in the middle.
- The Awareness chapter begins as the fantasy wears off and reality sets in. Life starts to get hard and conflict begins to happen especially between new spouses. If the family can begin to embrace a new normal then often the fantasy and immersion stages can be put behind in order to move toward the middle stages.
In the next episode 121 we will discuss the Middle Stage of Stepfamily development which involve Mobilization and Action chapters.
In the final episode 122 of the series we will discuss the Later Stage of Stepfamily development which involve the Contact Stage and the Resolution Stage
Just remember to be patient. The difficulties you may be facing you family are temporary. You will move along and some challenges will disappear and others will appear.
According to Papernow, stepfamilies who move through all 3 stages do so in about 4 years. The average time for most stepfamilies is 7 years and some can take as long as 12 years. Unfortunately some stepfamilies end in divorce, others can get stuck in the early stages, and a small number complete the whole cycle.
It appears that those who complete the cycle, tend to negotiate the early stages quicker.

Resources:

Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

119: [ENCORE] Boundaries in Relationships Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

SummaryBrian Mayer discusses the concept of boundaries in relationships or how to set limits without feeling guilty. Boundaries are easy to talk about but more difficult to implement. It takes practice and lots of encouraging support. You will learn how to set appropriate boundaries so you can live a life of freedom. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all the concept of Boundaries in Relationships in regard to a subsequent marriage that affects more people like biological and step children.
What is a Boundary? A boundary is simply a property line to keep what is yours in and what is not yours out. Think of houses and the property lines that are drawn around each home.
The history around Boundaries started several decades ago when research around how to help people with addictions took off. This research began to take a look at the family system and found enabling behaviors by other family members. This can also be called Co-Dependency.
Out of this co-dependency movement specifically related to addictions, came the term Boundaries and began to be applied to all relationship issues not just addiction issue.
A very helpful book about this topic is simply called Boundaries: How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They have also written one specific to marriages called Boundaries in Marriage.
When healthy boundaries are not in place it can cause issues like depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger. By not implementing an appropriate boundary, you are replacing a temporary discomfort with a more permanent pain.
Boundaries sound easy in theory, but are hard to implement. When we first try to install a boundary on someone that is encroaching we can feel guilty or like we are a bad person. Sometimes we also have this mentality that we must be all things to all people and that is how the Golden Rule works – Do Unto Others as You Would have done to You. However, if you are not healthy first then you are no good to someone else. You will ultimately burn-out if you do not install good boundaries.
Myths of Boundaries According to Cloud and Townsend:
- I am selfish if I install a boundary.
- I am being disobedient if I say No.
- If I set limits, I will be hurt
- I will hurt others
- I’m angry
- I should feel guilty or bad
- Boundaries are Permanent
Learning to not feel responsible for others thoughts, feelings, and actions. For example, the kids being bored is not your responsibility. Now of course day after day, if you never do anything with them then yes that is a problem. But the fact is that they are responsible for how they feel. If we do not allow them to learn to pull themselves out a funk, then they will be stunted in their growth as adults.
Can Love and Boundaries Exist Together: Yes they can. In fact, boundaries actually signal that love exists. Implementing Boundaries shows the other person under what parameters that love can flourish. Inside the boundaries amazing things will happen, outside the boundaries is where individuals can work on themselves.
How Do Implement a Boundary Successfully?
You are One Step Closer because you are listening to this podcast
Get Support. Either find a group or ask a close friend. Role play setting boundaries by being both the boundary setter and the one for whom the boundary is being set.
Do not beat yourself up when you try to set boundaries initially. You may fail and you probably will fail. Boundary setting is a process. You will receive much resistance at first because people will not be used to this.
Final Thoughts:
Practice, practice, practice
Know that boundaries will help keep you healthy and in turn will help others recognize how to keep themselves healthy. Think about the
Expect failure and grow from it.

Resources Mentioned

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

The above resources are affiliate links, which means that The Remarried Life Podcast receives a percentage of the sale. Your cost does not change. By purchasing these items you are helping cover the cost of expenses to produce this podcast. Thanks in advance for your continued support of the podcast! Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

118: [ENCORE] Food, Connections, and the Blended Family Nov 26, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how food can play a significant role in your family bonding. He certainly is talking about overeating, but more about the connection that food can bring. We all need it, so why not make it fun. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies

Today we are going to talk about food. We all love it, maybe sometimes a bit too much. We all need it. In fact in general most studies show we can go about 30 days and that’s it. Most of us probably feel like we can’t even skip a meal let alone 30 days.
Today we are going to talk about food and the way in which it connects people and more importantly a family.
Before we talk about that here are some funny quotes surrounding food and people that I love:
- “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments” Chris Rock
- “You better cut the pizza is four slices because I’m not hungry enough to eat six” Yogi Berra
- “Food is not just eating energy. It’s an experience.” Guy Fieri
- “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate” Jo Brand
Some of my favorite memories about growing up in blended family situations involved food.
- My mom made the best peanut butter fudge. The creamiest, most sweet, most hearty thing on the planet. To this day, I don’t really care too much for chocolate fudge, but peanut butter fudge is an entirely different story.
- My stepmom made lots of good meals but the one that stood out the most was probably the most simple. She would put a hot dog on a piece of bread, put a slit down the middle, fill it with a slice of cheese, fold it together with a toothpick, and bake it in the oven. I remember salivating as I watched the crust get golden brown and the cheese bubble.
- The first meal my wife ever cooked was chicken enchiladas. You have no idea how much I appreciated this and how good it made me feel. There was only one issue and in hind sight something I should never have brought up! The chicken tasted like it might have been freezer burned. I said something like I think something is wrong with the chicken, not realizing that she might take this to mean her cooking was the problem. Needless to say I haven’t lived that one down.
I’m sure you probably have lots of stories about how food has played a special part in your life. Whether it be things about how you grew up or in your current family.
Food often accompanies happy times like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and so many others milestone events.
It’s also used as a comfort after funerals as well.
There is just something about how food does unite us, and who doesn’t need that at this time in history when it feels like we are so divided.
I would encourage you to make food a part of your family as a way to connect stepkids with each other, with the step parent and even with the biological parent.
One way in which we did that involved my daughter as a teenager. As I remember we would ask her to cook one meal a night and it could be something of her creation. She made something with pork, green beans, coconut milk and some other spices and veggies. It was delicious!
What are you doing to use food as a way to connect each other? Here are some ideas:
- Just like we did, assign the kids especially if they are teenagers to cook one meal a week. If you have more than one teen, you can have them do it together as a team or you could rotate and have a different child every week
- Involve the kids in meal planning. Give them some say in some of the foods you prepare. Of course, you may not want to have gummy bears for dinner one night but see if they can come up with an idea for a tasty side dish. Then name it after that child. For example, maybe it’s Jacob’s Creamy Sweet Potato Casserole or Megan’s Cooked Carrots and Brown Sugar. Feel free to be even more creative than that.
- If they come up with a meal or a side dish, then have them go with you to the store to buy the specific ingredients. Talk to them about cost and amounts that are needed.
- Enroll your child into a kids cooking class. These classes are designed to be fun and interactive. A quick search on the internet will locate many of these especially if you live in a decent sized city.
- Find a local farm that allows visits and gives tours so that kids better understand where the food comes from.
- Visit a farmers market and have the kids pick out the fresh vegetables and fruits and other items needed to make dishes of theirs or your selections.
Of course lots of kids give resistance when it comes to this idea, so make sure to make it as fun and interactive as you can.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

117: Stepfamilies and Finances with Ron Deal, Greg Pettys, and David Edwards Nov 19, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks to Ron Deal, Greg Pettys, and David Edwards about their new book called The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning. As we discuss all the time complications in blended families are a given. Finances is a subject for blended families that is no different. Today we have a great interview lined up with all 3 authors that we are excited to bring to you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Ron Deal: founder of Smart Stepfamilies, director of FamilyLife Blended for Family Life, author of many books for stepfamilies. He is also a licensed marriage and family therapist and popular speaker
Greg Pettys has well over 30 years of experience with securities and life insurance and regularly speaks with Ron at his events
David Edwards is an estate planning and elder law attorney who also speaks at Ron’s Smart Stepfamily events.
Here are the questions we will be tackling on today’s episode:
- What inspired the three of you to team up to write a book for stepfamilies and financial planning?
- Trust is a big issue for couples in remarriage because of past hurts. What would you say to a couple where one or both are very timid to want to even move forward with financial planning together because they have a fear of being hurt again?
- Talk About the Groundwork Couples in Blended Families Should lay Before proceeding to Planning Including Values About Money (i.e. a spender versus a saver, money as security versus money as enjoyment, Dave Ramsey calls them Nerds versus Free Spirits etc).
- What is the “Togetherness Agreement” and Why is it Important
- Discuss the importance of Merging and the Concept of the “Three Pots of Money”
- What are a couple of the most common issues that come up with a former spouse when it comes to financial planning in a new family?
- What are the most important things to consider with financial planning when it comes to the kids in the blended family?
- Let’s Talk About Retirement. You Talk About a 5 Step Process. What are some important concepts to consider in this process?
- What else have we not covered that would be important for my listeners to know about stepfamilies and financial planning?
- What is the best way for listeners to pick up a copy of your book?
- Any other resources that either you or others have produced that would be helpful for the listeners?

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

116: Are You a Chaser or a Defender in Conflict Nov 12, 2019

Show notes

Session 116: Are you a Chaser or a Defender in Conflict (Nov 12, 2019)

CANVA Artwork

Libsyn Podcast Episode Player

Summary Brian Mayer talks about conflict and disagreements between spouses in a remarriage. The roles we each play in conflict can create some negative cycles that can make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. We will talk about what the chaser does and what the defender does and some of the negative cycles it creates. We will also talk about some ways to change what we do in conflict to help create more positive cycles of connection. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You have heard the phrase opposites attract. Well this is much debated in relationships but there does seem to be at least anecdotal evidence at least in my counseling practice for the opposite ways that partners in a relationship handle conflict.
Some differences include things like:
- One person having difficulty getting over issues in the past versus one partner that wants to move forward and keep an eye on the future.
- One partner might easily be able to ask for forgiveness and one partner is not easily able to do this.
- Along the same lines, sometimes one partner can admit when they have done something wrong while the other partner cannot.
- Some in a relationship view themselves as unable to measure up or failing while maybe the other partner has a view of others that they are always out to get them.
- One partner freely trusts while another says trust must be earned.
- Finally, one of you may be a chaser in conflict and one of you may be a defender and this what we will talk about today.
Let’s start by talking about this chaser/defender dynamic and that common appearance in relationship. Studies show that about 80% of relationship have one person who is a chaser and one person who is a defender. Probably 10% of the time a relationship has 2 chasers and the other 10% have 2 defenders.
What is a Chaser? A chaser in conflict is generally the person who bring up issues or problems in a relationship much more often. They see the rooms aren’t clean, their partner doesn’t spend enough time with them, or maybe they state their partner does not help with the kids enough. Now maybe these issues are present but what make a chaser a chaser is that they will freely bring issues up. I once heard a chaser could be referred to as “Mr. or Mrs. Blameypants.”
What is a Defender? A defender is the person in the relationship that spends their time deflecting, shutting down, minimizing, or withdrawing from conflict. A defender can be seen as the one who does not care, doesn’t appear to believe that their partner matters. Another way I like to describe the Defender is that they are the “Dodgeball Artist.”
So what is generally going on below the surface for a chaser? Well like we said a moment ago on the surface the Chaser appears to be critical, blaming, and sometimes like an attorney looking for clarity and answers. However below the surface they are looking for connection and engagement. They are attempting to bring their partner closer.
What is going on below the surface for a defender? A defender while giving the appearance they don’t care, just wants peace. When conflict happens they feel uneasy, anxious and overwhelmed so they may attempt to shut down the conflict as soon as possible.
The methods a chaser and a defender are simply ways they have each learned to keep the relationship feeling safe. But as you can see usually the opposite happens when each goes into their sort of default methods of operation.
This can create several cycles of conflict that can ultimately make the couple feel disengaged. They include:
- Blamer/Defender which is exactly what it sounds like.
- Attack/Attack: This one happens when a Defender rises up and may begin to counterblame thus escalating the dialogue.
- Withdraw/Withdraw: This cycle occurs because the blamer finally gives up in trying to reach for the Defender. Worst case is that they could disengage from the relationship completely.
- Flip of Blamer/Defender: This cycle can occur when the Chaser gives up completely and the Defender begins the pursuit to save the relationship.
So what to do and how to combat these roles and cycles:
- First become aware of whether you are a Chaser or a Defender
- Understand the moves you make that actually push your partner to move too strongly toward you or too strongly away from you.
- If you are Chaser, you goal is to SOFTEN your pursuit. This might mean watching your harshness, tone or frequency of blaming
- If you are a Defender your goal is to REENGAGE by hanging in there when you hear your partner making a request. Trying to hear the request behind anxious pursuit.
- Give your cycles nicknames and call them out when you see them happen. Often this can feel less intense that calling out your partner for something that is bothersome to you.
The bottomline is that you will have a default way of operating and when you get stressed it will tend to come out. It takes time to work to reduce your tendancies. And additionally conflict is going to happen and you will never fully rid yourself of these cycles but the goal is to reduce the frequency and severity.

Take it little by little and don’t beat yourself or each up for playing these roles or getting into these cycles but look at the cycle as the bad guy and sometimes it can make it easier to correct. .

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

115: Giving the Benefit of the Doubt To Your Spouse Nov 05, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about giving the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. What exactly does this mean? It means when your spouse does something that is not to your liking, we should work to assume the best in their motives. Of course this doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye toward something that happens over and over again but it means doing our best to believe the best about our spouse. This can often lift our own attitudes and moods about ourselves, our spouse and our relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you believe the best in your spouse or assume the worst? This is a tricky area for sure but if you are able to spend most of your time believing in the best in your spouse it can often mean a better relationship.
No doubt you or your spouse are not perfect and never will be. Unfortunately we often hold our partner sometimes to that standard for various reasons.
Sometimes though we have what Sue Johnson the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (widely considered the couples therapy with the most favorable outcomes) raw spots. These are areas in our life that have been rubbed to the point of great irritation in our past.
So sometimes something our spouse is doing in the present will hit that raw spot and the irritation or pain of it will feel much greater than if it were not there.
Ever bite the inside of your cheek. Then hours later do it again? Then the next day do it again. Each time we do it hurts worse and worse and sometimes get us so angered! But let’s take a step back.
The pain got worse and our frustration grew but was the second or third or fourth bite any different. Mostly likely you bit with the same force that you did before but now the site is so tender that a similar or even lower force bite actually feels worse.
This type of thing is also present in relationships. The same thing happening over and over again such as a spouse getting home late for work without calling is something that on the surface is the same event. But to the person it is “happening” to it feels like an event with greater magnitude each time it happens.
This is why it can be easier said than done to be able to give the benefit of the doubt.
So what exactly is the benefit of the doubt? It is exactly as it sounds. When there is a doubt in your mind about the motive or reason for something happening, it means erroring on the side of believing in a positive motive. So this would not apply to catching your spouse having an affair. There is no doubt about what happened there so no benefit is needed there.
In my own relationship I struggle with lots of issues, but this is one that I generally have been able to practice successfully what I am telling you.
So let’s talk about some things that can you get to a place where you can give more of the benefit of the doubt to your spouse.
- Think about the positive qualities in your spouse. For example, knowing your spouse is genuinely a clean and orderly person may help you give the benefit of the doubt with he/she not folding laundry in a timely manner.
- Mindfully view each situation on its own. Unfortunately our brains look for patterns and connections because it is a way of making sense or world and this can end up happening in relationships. Resist this temptation because it probably does not mean you are prone to look for the worst.
- Is anxiety a problem for you generally or in other areas of your life? If this is the case, then this anxiety could be a problem in your relationship. Anxiety can often drive us to lots of “what ifs” and those what ifs are again usually negative.
- Don’t try to change your spouse. This can often be driven by not giving the benefit of the doubt. If you real motivation of thinking the worst is that you are trying to change them then this can certainly backfire and cause the opposite to happen in your relationship.
- Forgive often. Forgiveness releases you from anger and your partner from being punished for anything you perceive as a wrongdoing. Sometimes forgiveness cannot and should not happen if there is no safety such as in ongoing abuse or in which your spouse will not give up an affair.
- Finally, over and above everything trust yourself. While it is good to give the benefit of the doubt, to forgive, and think the best sometimes this is not the best course of action. This is where you should first go to your partner with the issues and if they will not listen then go to a trusted family member and friend who will look objectively at the situation.

In most situations it will be good to give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. The potential for this next marriage to go the distance is greater when you do this but as with anything of course use care and caution.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

114: Supporting Each Other's Passions Oct 29, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about supporting your partners passion’s in life. Your relationship should be more than just coming together on the day to day grind of your relationship, work, parenting, dealing with ex spouses, and the rest of the day to day craziness. It should be all about encouraging and supporting each other in what gives you individual happiness in life. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The general definition passion is “intense zeal or enthusiasm or desire toward something or someone.” For us Christians, it also applies to Jesus pain and suffering during his crucifixion and death. His passion was toward “someone” namely saving you and me from a death that would end rather than what he paved the way for and it is for an eternity spent in heaven with him.
There no doubt you have a passion in life. It might be something you are indeed acting on or it may something that is lying dormant. If it is dormant because your spouse is not encouraging you in this but actually discouraging you then this is something we need to talk about today. Or maybe your spouse has a passion that you are not supporting. Your relationship and life should include support for the individual passions you each have.
This can be so difficult in a blended family. So many day to day responsibilities including cooking, cleaning, helping the kids with homework, grocery shopping, dealing with exes, spending time with each other, time with friends and family can cause the days to just zip by and sometimes a feeling of emptiness because there is no balance for what you enjoy and love.
What is it that you have a passion for? Is it some activity alone like drawing or painting or some other craft? Maybe you have thought about picking up the tennis racket or golf clubs. What about taking a foreign language course? What about a gourmet cooking class? What about starting a travel blog that details your travels including the great places you have been, the great food you have tasted, or very tasty wines from around the world.
Sometimes the reason we don’t start something we are passionate about is because we are too busy but sometimes it is because we are not supported. I promise that if you support your partner in their passion and they in turn support you it can often mean amazing things for your relationship.
The reason I am doing this podcast and this podcast episode is because there is a great deal of support for my and my wife’s passions. My passion has been publishing a great podcast for those of us in remarriage and blended families. Her passion is jewelry making.
My wife has supported me in my podcast journey, by always being so positive about what I am doing and the topics I want to share. She has even been so supportive that she has been a guest several times. Those have been some of my favorite episodes for sure.
The reason for this specific episode is that over the weekend my wife sold her jewelry in a second craft show. I attended with her and offered support by helping her bring everything in, setting it up, ringing up sales, and conversing with customers. She actually made 2.5 times the sales in this show that she did in the first show. So all around was such a great show. But most importantly it helped us both feel so much more connected in our relationship.
So how can you both support each other in your passions? Let’s talk about that now, but before we do I certainly understand that this can be tough. I have talked to lots of couples that struggle with the other spouse spending “too much time” with a passion. For example, I work with couples where the spouse usually the male enjoys hunting so much that he will go many weekends out of the year. This can feel taxing on the spouse and so it will be hard in these instances to be supportive for sure. So of course some balance is needed.
Here are some ways to be supportive:
- Be excited when your spouse wants to talk about what excites them. For my wife it is all about jewelry making. For me this is not my passion so it would be very easy to tune her out. What I recommend in these instances is to focus on the excited emotion in your spouse rather than on the topic at hand.
- Offer to help in whatever way you can. Maybe it isn’t like me where you offer to take an entire Saturday to spend it with her at a craft show (or maybe it is!) but maybe you offer to some small things to help get whatever the passion is off the ground.
- Help take other things off their plate. Maybe it means helping around the house more with cleaning or caring for the kids to help your spouse spend more time with their passion.
- Think about ideas you have you to make their passion even better. For example maybe your spouse wants to get involved making a craft and selling it. Maybe you are great with social media and have all sorts of ideas about social media and how that can impact your partner’s passion.
- Praise your spouse for something well done. For example at the end of the craft show in which my wife did a great job selling her jewelry, I just hugged her, gave her high fives and just gushed over how proud I was of her and how I just thought she rocked it out.
- Be proactive and ask questions about your spouse’s passion. Maybe your spouse has stalled out. How great would it be for them if you asked what you could do to help.

I hope this podcast episode has been helpful and gives you some ideas to implement to start supporting each other. I hear too many stories of couple not supporting each other in what makes them individually happy. This can have a negative impact on the relationship for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

113: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 3 – New Construction Oct 22, 2019

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and contructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
We are in part 3 of our series on affairs today. We talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
New Construction is ready to begin. The old relationship is dead and it is time to do something new. We have talked about stopping the other relationship, assessing what was wrong and now we are ready to build.
- In order for stage 3 to begin, remorse and a request for complete forgiveness should be asked for by the betrayer.
- Hopefully by this point with all the work that has been completed in the first two stages, the betrayed partner should hopefully be willing to grant this forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or being willing allow the same behavior, it simply means to stop punishing the offender for the prior offense.
- Now the real fun can begin. This is where you will work to create new connections and following are some ideas.
- Making the decision to spend more time together if that was lacking especially 1:1 time away from the kids. Make sure to do something that can help foster connection. Maybe it is hiking together or playing cards. Things like movie watching can make it hard but if that sounds good to you then do it!
- Daily Check-Ins. I mentioned these in a previous episode, but asking things like what went well today between us, what did not go well, and what needs to be better?
- Go to your partner if there is a problem in your marriage and not others.
- Ask your partner on a daily basis, things like “What can I do for you today?” This will show a selflessness that can over time replace the feelings of selfishness that too over your relationship.
- The next one, two, or three, or 50 action items are called “Fill In the Blank.” These are where the two of you creatively decide on the new things you will do in your relationship. This is more important than you following suggestions from me or someone else.
We hope you have enjoyed this special 3 part series on affairs and betrayal. It is such an important topic and if this is something you are dealing with now, there is hope. I have seen lots of couples come back from this and make their relationship something new so that something like this never happens again.

Resources:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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