The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

142: Stepparenting - Perfection Not Needed May 12, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how hard we try as stepparents to get it right. But what is right? Getting it right is often very subjective and so getting upset at ourselves is not the right approach. Today we applaud your availability not your ability. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know that perfection is not necessary in most walks of life. I would even dare to say that it isn’t necessary in the medical field or in any of the sciences. There are many reasons why perfection is not necessary and it probably mostly has to do with the fact that we are not perfect people.
You might not know this but even the dictionary gives some wiggle room about perfection. Listen to all these defintions:
- the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.
- a person or thing perceived as the embodiment of perfection.
- the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.
So I mean come on even the dictionary which sometimes we think is the most perfect place to find the meanings of words can’t even say for sure that there such a thing as true perfection.
I think a lot about life and our history and what can we say was ever perfect or even close.
- In 1894, Hugh Duffy had a batting average of .440. This still stands today as the highest batting average ever. What this average means is that he got a hit 44% of the time and made an out 56% of the time. Very far from perfect!
- Thomas Edison failed over 1,000 times to get the light bulb right.
- Jeff Bezos the founder of Amazon had a multi billion dollar failure with a smart phone called the “Fire Phone.” He later said that actually this failure led to the development of the highly successful Amazon Echo. He said, “If the size of your failures isn’t growing, you’re not going to be inventing at a size that can actually move the needle.”
So have I convinced you that perfection is not necessary or really even possible, now what? Let’s talk about what you should be focused on instead especially as you shepherd your blended family.
- Your Availability is more important that your ability. Just being there for your family is often more important than what you are doing. If career is important, then you might need to get creative on ways to stay connected like utilizing the phone to make calls or Facetime to see your family when traveling.
- Learn from Your Failures. Try as best you can not to make the same mistake twice. Of course as we have learned today, mistakes are somewhat subjective but again learn from things you don’t think you did right.
- Learn to Apologize. In my work with couples there is often one person in the relationship who has a tougher time apologizing for wrongs. Often I find that this person’s childhood was void of people apologizing. Now if you are the one that does often apologize be careful not to be too upset when you aren’t hearing it from your partner. Give them grace for not perfecting the art of the apology.
- You are Not Your Mistakes. This one is cliché but just remember there is no stepparenting manual for goodness sakes. You didn’t do something you would have liked but it does not define you.
- Tomorrow is a new Day. Again another cliché so this is just a reminder. You will have plenty of opportunities to work to get it right. If you are in a spot where you start to do things better and differently, your partner may not fully believe this yet but I encourage you to keep at it. Eventually your partner and kids will see you differently.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

141: [ENCORE] Are Religious or Spiritual Differences Causing Problems in Your Remarriage May 05, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how spiritual or religious differences are a very common issue that can cause problems in a remarriage. This issue may be more common for remarrieds especially as you have older and maybe more settled in your ways. We will talk about this issue and give some helpful tips. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all about how spiritual or religious differences may cause a divide in your relationship and in your family.
Let’s first talk about the difference between spirituality and religion. These are different and each can cause it’s own issues.
- Spirituality: being concerned with the human spirit or soul instead of material or physical things.
- Religion: the belief in a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God.
So that is the dictionary definition, but I like to define these words in different terms.
- For me spirituality is all about a relationship with God. It is a heart connection and everything else grows from that.
- Religion to me is more about the daily practice of working to get toward God whether or not your heart is right or not. For example someone can go to church, read the Bible, be a “good” person and not necessarily have a close relationship with God.
Now that we understand some of the differences, I want you to ask yourself these questions:
- Are my partner on the same page spiritually?
- Are my partner on the same page with regard to religious practices?
If you are not on the same page spiritually, then you might have the following issues:
- You will differ in how to have a relationship with God. According to Christianity, God defines the only way to have a relationship with God is to surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ. Other spiritual connections do not believe this and in fact some argue that you don’t serve the same God.
- When times get tough, you will both be turning toward something different. One will choose a personal relationship with a living and resurrected savior, and as far as all other spiritual connections it is my understand that there is no being that has died in our place and was resurrected.
When it comes to religious differences, these are more about things happening in the here and now in your daily life. It can cause issues like the following:
- Where to go to church if at all?
- What type of people to associate with? Those who are fellow believers and who are not?
- What resource to use to gather strength for life. Believers in Christianity will use the Bible and others will use something else.
- What should the children believe? Some couples will say that they can believe whatever they choose. This means that they will be receiving the spiritual and religious foundation from outside sources. So you may find that they choose neither and choose something else. How would this feel to both of you if this happened?
- What holidays should be celebrated? Maybe you have decided early on in your relationship to do more than one. This works now but will it always work?
- When an outside third party is sought to help with your marriage would you seek a Christian pastor? If so how would that fit in your relationship?
- What will you use to define your moral compass which is what is to be used as the instrument by which a person’s ability to judge what is right and wrong and act accordingly.
If you have differences in these areas what should think about:
- If you are dating and not yet married, you may want to seriously consider everything we talked about today and weigh that against pursuit of marriage. I am not here to tell you what to do, but I will say that the Bible does say this about these differences, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14.
- You might now be asking yourself, what if I am married to an unbeliever or someone of a different faith. According to the Bible, it states that you should not leave an unbeliever and that the only time this is acceptable is when the unbeliever voluntarily wants to go. See 1 Corinthians 7:13,15.
What should you do:
- Have non-defensive conversations about your beliefs
- Understand each other’s childhood and where these beliefs may be rooted and the importance of them.
- Ask questions about each other’s adolescence and whether or not belief systems began to change.
- Ask each other about early adulthood and whether or not things changed even further
- Talk about previous marriages. Was there an equal yoke? If so what did you practice together and how did that work? If there was an unequal yoke, talk about those differences.
- Discuss present feelings and practices toward your spirituality and religious practices. Brainstorm asking each other what if questions about how certain practices would be resolved with each of you.
This is an important subject that you owe each to talk through patiently and work on a way to resolve or respectfully accept differences.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

140: Creative Ideas to Help Kids With Social Distancing Apr 28, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer continues to discuss this prolonged period of what is called social distancing during the current pandemic we are all facing. Kids have an especially difficult time with this mostly because it is hard for the younger ones to understand and the older ones are just really so used to be so social. Today we will talk about some creative ideas for kids to be able connect while being physically distant. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The need to be socially distant from others during the current pandemic is tough enough for adults, but what about the kids. Kids can have such a difficult time because (unless they are homeschooled) are used to being around lots of other kids and people.
This difficulty in our kids having trouble with social distancing can be very burdensome on us as adults especially in a blended family. Because relationships are often strained in a blended family and now we are spending lots more time together that it can cause an even greater strain.
However, I have heard lots of stories to the contrary where families are coming closer together by doing some really creative things at this time.
We are going to talk about some creative ideas that your kids can do during this time to help them with the whole social distancing issue. Some ideas they can mostly do on their own and others could be done together.
- For the younger kids, a website called Go Noodle has all sorts of videos to help with movement and mindfulness. This could be a good site to start the day where kids get off to a fresh start by moving and or doing some meditation.
- Use Zoom which is a videoconferencing website where kids can connect with other kids. This might be a good opportunity for teens to stay connected with each other. Of course you may need to set up some ground rules for communication and whether or not you want to be able to see and hear what is going on in real time. There is also a record feature that you could let your child know could be used to go back and look through the video if need be. Working with the other parents on how best to approach this would also be a good idea.
- Sidewalk Chalk Obstacle Course. I actually saw this one day while I was on a run. The neat thing is that the kids wrote in chalk that this could be used by anyone who wanted to have fun. Obviously this one might be a bit difficult to maintain distance if lots of kids want to do this at once.
- Use Recycled Items to Create Something Fun. This one might best for the younger kids, but teens could enjoy it as well. For the young ones, creating a robot out of used milk jugs or maybe teens can create some kind of electronic device from old electronic parts and wires you might have around.
- Cook Together Especially To Help Someone Else. Getting the kids more involved in cooking can always be fun. What would make it even more fun and important would be to cook for a neighbor or a friend in need. I have seen lots of people doing this for other and leaving the food in the garage or on the porch.
- Neighborhood Scavenger Hunt. You could make a game out of finding things in the neighborhood. For example, the kids might have to collect 3 different types of leaves, or find a white wild flower (teach them the difference between wild flowers and those that people have planted before they go pulling!)

Make a Movie. Have the kids develop a plot, write a script, choose the actors, and film using a smart phone. There is lots of great movie editing software to choose from to help put it all together.

- Online Books Including Audio. A great website called Get Epic has lots of great kids books to choose from whether they read or listen to the audio. There is a free trial available and then after that there is a cost. The one comes highly recommended from my wife, the teacher!
We hope that this episode has your creative juices flowing to help come up with some not so common ideas to the potential boredom that is possibly setting in for your blended family.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

139: Staying Connected in Your Blended Family Apr 21, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about staying connected in a world where we are unconnected. Whether we are dealing with a world-wide pandemic or not, staying connected to each other and to others is important. At the end of the day life is about relationships. We will talk about ways to stay connected during times when it is difficult. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Relationships whether you it like or not are a part of life. Obviously it is better if you like to have relationships with others and being in a blended family can be tough because everyone is thrown together whether they like it or not.
Sometimes being in a blended family can sometimes feel like a “blender” family and it is turned on high for way too long sometimes!
Whether or you are listening to this episode during the world wide pandemic we are under and you must practice social distancing or you are listening at a time where this is a distant memory, it is good to stay connected.
If you have lived on this earth long enough, you have probably experienced a great deal of painful events in your life, some of them personal and some societal. But whether they are specific to you or not they have affected you.
Have you ever heard anyone on their death bed talk about desire to accumulate more wealth. Ever heard anyone say they wish they had worked harder and more hours. No, of course not. We hear things like I wish I had spent more time with the ones I loved. Or I wish I had reconciled that relationship with my mom or dad that went south many years ago.
It is the relationships that mean the most to us in life and so what better way for us to focus on these now.
Let’s talk about some very simple things you can do to stay connected.
- If someone comes to your mind, send them a text or even call them and just say that they came to your mind and you just wanted to reach and say hello and to check in. Most people absolutely love when they know someone is genuinely thinking of them.
- If you spouse leaves home, put a small note in his or her lunch bag just saying how much you appreciate how hard they work.
- Put a sticky note on the mirror to your step child’s bathroom mirror with an inspirational quote or bible scripture that you know has meaning. Do it at night after they go to bed, so they see it in the morning.
- As a side note, on a windy stormy day, we had a lot of sticks blow down on the driveway. I used them to spell “I Love You Heather.” The message to my wife was so appreciative and unexpected she said.
- Talk on the phone regularly to someone who is possible shut in or sick. This is something I am doing now and to be honest it was the older gentleman from my church who I have become good friends who calls me more than I do.
- Take it a step further and ask that person if they need anything like food or other essentials. Take a trip to the grocery story for them and surprise them with things they need.
- Do like so many are doing and gather up a few people to go to someone’s house who is suffering to sing them songs to help brighten their mood.
- What other types of things have you done to stay connected to each other and to others? What have others done for you?
Remember to always stay connected. Even in times of extreme busyness, just make sure you are always reaching out to others. If you find yourself lonely and angry that others are not reaching out to you, then you be the one to reach out.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

138: Transitions in Blended Families in Uncertain Times Apr 14, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks to author Misty Fitch about transitions in a blended family. In light of the world pandemic we are all facing, changes big and small in a blended family can offer challenges. Misty offers lots of great advice on this topic. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

How Misty says to Deal With Kids Emotions When Coming or Going to the Other Home:
- “Every time we have worked with blended couples, its come up at least once because people tend to want to blame their ex spouse on the behavior of their kids when they return from their homes. And I've been guilty of that when we first were doing this whole thing when we were blended and transitioning. I remember blaming my ex spouse, why when they come back that we have this deprogramming stage. …. And one of the things you'll hear me say a lot is it's not about you. It's not about you. It's not about the other parent. It's not about the pain you have or the anger you have. It's about the kids.”
What Misty recommends on Dealing With Kids Communicating Back from the Other Spouses Home:
- “Trying to control anything over there is just it's not gonna help anybody out. And it's important that the kids know that too. Because whether you're in a blended family, or in a biological family, kids try to pit the parents against each other just to get their way if mom says no, they go ask dad, right? So it's kind of the same thing. When dad says no, so I'm gonna go ask mom. And even though they really don't want you to be fighting against each other, they want their way because they're kids, and they're very self centered. Right? So I think that's what happens a lot of times and we just have to be the adults. And again, remember, it's not about us, it's about them.”

How Misty says to Deal with Differences in Lifestyles at the Separate Home

- I feel like we need to just redirect the conversation with them. But it's a conversation between you and your ex, if you can co-parent well, then contact them and know that you can’t have the exact same house. It's gonna be different. And we only have control of what we have control of which is in our home.”
Misty talks about how her husband and she has has been dealing with the transitions that the COVID-19 pandemic is causingin her own blended family:
- “My husband has offices in our front room and he has everything spread out and he's also trying to get the kids started on work. And I told him I said, just, you know, kind of stay in your lane, you do your thing, and I'll do mine. He's like, I don't even know. But he wants to make sure everything is just right. And so when he's in the middle of it, he wants to kind of have his hand on it, make sure everything is happening the right way. But I also want him to not be disturbed you handle your work the way you always do pretend we're not here. We'll pretend you're not here. That has been hard. Not only that, but just school for us last week, I think it was that was our first full week of him being home. And I would let the kids sleep or stay in their rooms until like one o'clock because he's on conference calls and I didn't know how to homeschool. Quietly while he's on conference calls.”

Resources:

Misty’s website is com
Misty’s Newest Book Beautifully Blended for a discount and to receive a free chapter

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

137: Stepparenting is Hard! Apr 07, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer offers support in this episode for stepparents especially new ones. Becoming a stepparent might just be the hardest role you will ever play in life. In many other areas of life you might feel like you have some control but in the stepparent role we often feel like we don’t have any. Today is more about support and encourage than it is about a laundry list of what you should and should not do. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Being a biological parent sometimes results from a plan and sometimes not. I remember when I became a biological parent, we had this thought that it might be nice to wait another 2-3 years in order to be more financially stable. Well as you can imagine it happened around the time we wanted to wait and so definitely an example of not exactly choosing when to have a child.
It is also interesting that becoming a biological parent is not really regulated in any way by law. On the other hand, becoming an adoptive parent means you have to go through lots of red tape and lots of waiting. Doesn’t seem to make sense does it. Would almost be nice if before having a biological child, we went through some kind of background check or maybe even some classes to help us prepare. But understandably that gets into civil rights and other things which is a subject we won’t tackle today.
So it might seem like I am tearing down being a biological parent and that I am dismissing it as not being that hard. Quite the contrary in that it is so hard being a biological parent, but in my opinion I think it is much harder being a stepparent. Why is that? Well let’s talk about that:
The X reasons why being a stepparent is so hard:
- You are “stepping” into lives and situations that have already been formed and formulated in a certain way. Of course there have been changes, but
- You may not have the control you are used to. Getting used to a new normal can be hard. It has probably been a bit easier to get your own biological children to listen to you because there is a bond and some trust built up.
- Anger is probably a very common emotion that is present in everyone in the family. No one likes the situation they find themselves in when it comes to being in a blended family. Often logical decision making is thrown out the window when it comes to what is the right thing to do.
- You and your current spouse probably have different ideas on how to parent. This is a complicated issue one where all sorts of issues are at play. Things like the relationship you have or don’t have with the kids, how you and your partner parented in your previous relationship, and then something parenting from a place of guilt for the bio parent and conversely parenting from a place of a lack of love for the kids by the step parent.
- It can take years for a stepfamily to gel together and sometimes it never fully happens. This is why a stepparent must have an immense amount of patience as the new family dynamic and system unfolds.
- You will feel like an outsider. This is because at some point you were an outsider and you have come into a situation where again relationships have already been formed and that can be a tough thing to break into.
Ultimately it takes perseverance and patience for you as a stepparent. Both of these concepts involve time. Perseverance involves more action oriented nature and patience involves just holding back a bit more. But both have their place and are equally important as you walk through this new situation.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

136: The Benefits of Gratitude in Your Blended Family Mar 31, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the art of being grateful in spite of our circumstances. It is a concept that has become a cliché. But the reason that it is often cited as beneficial is that there are so many benefits if you practice it regularly in the life of your blended family experience. Today we will talk about the benefits of being grateful in spite of some difficulty circumstances in a blended family and remarriage. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Let’s face it. When you have been divorced, are now in another family situation with all kinds of what feels like competing interests it can be difficult for any member of the family to be thankful for what they have.
The reason that blended family situations exist is because something previously ended rather unhappily. As a result this can often set us all up to focus so much more on the negative in our lives.
I am sure you have experienced a great deal of this in your life as you see the stepkids not being appreciative of your efforts at time. And in fact they may have never shown any outward appreciation at all.
Then you in turn begin to become upset and sometimes very bitter toward the stepkids when they do not show appreciation or gratitude.
So what is gratitude anyway? Gratitude is “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”
You might be thinking well the first part I can do but how can I do the second part of it the kindness is not coming back to me. This is so tough for sure and requires you to begin to break the cycle to some degree in that you might be doing the act of returning kindness when to be honest you don’t feel like much is being done for you or to you.
It is so much harder to do this for a child because children will often not warm up to this type of change as fast as an adult would. Sometimes kids will never warm up to this and this is when as difficult as it is you must focus on what they might say about you when they are 30 or 40 years old.
Hopefully decades down the road you will hear things like, “yeah we were all in a tough spot, but man did my stepmom show me all kinds of gratitude even though I probably didn’t deserve it much for the way I was speaking and acting.”
So what are the benefits of gratitude? Let’s talk about some:
- Gratitude improves your own physical health. There are lots of studies that show that people who practice regular gratitude are healthier and exercise more. Not sure which comes first the general feeling better or the gratitude.
- Gratitude improves mental and emotional health. Again there is lots of research that talk about how much more dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins are released when we show appreciation toward others.
- Gratitude reduces anger. We all know that anger left unchecked can boil over into an inferno.
- Gratitude will improve your self confidence and self esteem. When we get caught in a place of comparison to others it can surely deflate our confidence. It is easy to do this in a blended family experience when we start looking at others who have the biological family experience still intact.
- Gratitude helps us focus on our future dreams, goals and visions for ourself individually and our families. When we are caught in a cycle of being unhappy and ungrateful for what we do have, we can focus so much of this that we lose sight of what is ahead of us. This is unfortunately where depression happens in our lives if we are not careful.
As you may have noticed, I did not mention any of the effects it might have on others. Now usually the benefits that others get from our gratitude are generally positive. But I don’t want us to focus on these because it is possible we may not see it.
There are so many benefits to us individually for showing gratitude to others, that I want you to focus on knowing how good it is for your health and wellbeing and to not focus or worry about what it is doing for others. There is a quiet confidence in focusing in this way as well.
Work on practice gratitude for the things you see that are good in your stepfamily and make sure to verbalize it starting today!

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

135: Dealing With Anxiety When Direction is Unknown Mar 24, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the state we are in as a society in dealing with a virus that is spreading around the globe. It has affected us all emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. This can be a time in your stepfamily where you all come together to support and encourage each other or it can be a time where anxiety about what is the right course of action can tear us apart. Today we will talk through some simple tips to deal with the anxiety we are all experiencing. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

It is so difficult to even focus on the direction of your stepfamily when you are just trying to figure out where the next paycheck or even food and essential supplies might be coming from.
Even working through this podcast episode has been extremely difficult because I am having a hard time focusing on it while our world feels like it is crumbling around us.
If you are dealing with the anxiety that is resulting from the fear of the unknown then you are not alone. Most likely you and each member of your stepfamily is struggling in your own way with the fear of what is to come especially because we do not know when this will come to an end.
This is a time where we come together to defeat a common enemy from the outside that is the virus or we can turn against each other. Stress is something that can cause pressure that can be very difficult to deal with.
Most likely you are dealing with kids that are home from school and are venturing into a new frontier called online learning. It was so easy before to drop your kids off at the bus stop or school and be relieved of the pressure of their needs at least for a few hours.
But if you are working from home and juggling having to keep the kids of track then your stress level has potentially gone through the roof. Additionally if you are working to help your stepkids with the school work and other things that are making them anxious during this time then it can sure be a struggle.
In this shortened episode, I just want to give you a few simple tips to work through your own anxiety and the anxiety of your family. I want to keep this short because we are at a time where listening to a podcast episode is probably not the most important thing you could be doing right now. So let’s get to it.
- Pray first to the one who holds our future in his hands. Again we might not know what our future holds but we do know who holds our future.
- Take a breath and know that you are good enough. You are doing the best you can and I don’t want you to be so hard on yourself. If you mess up and do or say something you regret because of this added stress, it really is okay. We all are enough.
- Think about the struggles in your life that you overcame especially when you thought it wouldn’t get any better. It won’t make it perfect but it will help to recall that when times may have looked bleak in the past that you overcame.
- Share those times with your bio-kids and your stepkids especially if they are struggling. They probably do not have as many of the valleys in life to draw from to know that it will all be okay.
- Reach out for help. The government and the church are standing ready to help in whatever way they can. Don’t let pride get in the
It is my hope that we will one day look back on this time as a time to learn, grow and connect as best we can. In fact if you are listening to this episode out into the future it is might hope that you are in a much better place than we all find ourselves in right now.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

134: 5 Ways to Help Bio and Step Kids Reduce Fear and Worry Mar 17, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about fear and worry especially in our children in the wake of a crisis at home or in society. In light of the virus that is spreading around the world and the resulting school cancellations, it can put uncertainty in the minds of our children. Let’s talk today about 5 ways that you can help them feel better in the midst of chaos. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The definition of fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that something is dangerous and is likely to cause pain.”
The definition of worry is “allowing one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.”
The definition of panic is “sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.”
At the time of this podcast publishing, there is a lot of fear, worry, and panic regarding a virus that is spreading around the world. This virus is considered what they call “novel” or new. This means that people have yet to build any kind of immune response to. As a result it can take longer for the body to fight it off which means it has more time to spread.
Schools have been cancelling classes for 2 or more weeks. Kids of course might love the idea of being out of school for a couple of weeks especially if they get that time around the week of spring break meaning they could be looking at 3 weeks off.
But the reason that they are out of school might scare them. Especially with today’s social media and internet information can spread like wildfire. Some of it is true and some of it is not.
Let’s face it social media applications like Facebook has everyone talking right now about this virus and what to do about it. It looks like a phrase called “social distancing” is become part of out language. Social distancing means to limit interactions with others and stay a certain distance from others.
You might be scared about all of this, but chances are you may have one or several kids in the family that are very worried about getting really sick or even dying from this virus because it is being talked about so much.
So what in the world should we do to help our kids especially during this time? I have 5 different ways you can help your bio kids or stepkids navigate this unknown to them a little easier.
Here are those 5 ways:
- Normalize their feelings. Normalize just means to help them understand that it is okay to feel scared and that lots of people do. You can even tell them that from time to time you are scared about things too. Of course you want to stay strong for them but help them know that they are not alone.
- Pray with them. We serve a powerful yet loving God. It is my belief that this virus is not from him nor is he “allowing” this because he is unhappy in any way with us. Let them know that there are a lot of things that are out of our control but that we should turn over our worry to the one that controls it all. This is another way you can help them know they are not alone.
- Read the Bible with them. In particular, pick our passages that discuss fear and worry and what we should do instead. Encourage them to memorize them and replace fearful thoughts with these truths. Here are some of my favorites.
- - “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the birds: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” Luke 12:22-26
  - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 4:6-7
  - “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
- Reassure them. Let them know that they will always have you to talk through their feelings and to know that what is going for them is important to you. This can especially helpful for stepkids who can automatically feel like you really don’t care nor are interested in them like your own bio kids.
- Help Others. Involve your kids in looking for people who are less fortunate or maybe even the elderly who have to be extremely careful about getting out during this time. If you know of a neighbor in need ask your kids to help check in on them and even go to the grocery store to get them items they might need. This can often take your child’s mind off of their own worry and anxiety.
This time of great fear is certainly an opportunity for great learning and teaching, but also connecting and comfort to take place as well.
Please take care of yourself and each other during this time and let’s pray that this valley we are in comes to end soon.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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133: Having the Tough Conversations in Your Remarriage Mar 10, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks to Author and Counselor Megan Bottom about having the difficult conversations in your remarriage. Megan has written a new book called “Nana’s Pearls” which is a book written from a fictional perspective and offers all sorts of wisdom for tough discussions on blended family topics like boundaries, parenting, and sex and intimacy. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Megan Bottom joins us today to talk about having the difficult conversations in our remarriage and blended family. It can be tough to have conversations about boundaries, parenting, and sex for example when we possibly have been hurt quite a bit over these topics.
The following are some great words of wisdom as shared by Megan during the episode many of which she draws from her book:
- On Boundaries:
- - “the biggest lesson that she learned in all of this was setting boundaries and not letting people control her emotions through developing her own family and not letting people have have too much influence on her own family. And that's something that I think that we as counselors talk so much about in in our with our couples that we counsel and how to have those conversations, you know, what does that look like? Where is my voice? Where is my opinion? Where how does that count in our relationship?”
  - “There was just a quote that I read that I actually put in my book that ‘when there's tension in a relationship, most likely that's a lack of boundaries.’ And and that's something that's so important to have those boundaries in place before they become tension.”
- On Parenting:
- - “What are your parenting styles? What do you hope? What are your goals for your children? What are your hope? What's your hope for what they're going to do? And I think that that's something that's so neglected because those are hard conversations to have. And not that if they're different, not if you have different dreams and goals and aspirations for your children or for your parenting styles that you shouldn't get married, but at least you know, going in. This is my boundary in the parenting of the children. This is where, you know, there might be what I call it caution tape boundaries, or there might be some barbed wire boundaries and that and we're not going to cross those barbed wire boundaries, but the caution tape that's something that I'm willing to compromise with. And I think that having those conversations before you get married, and if it's too late, and you're already married, and now there's friction, they're setting up those conversations and talking points. And before they happen before the friction and the anger happens, I think that those conversations are so often neglected.”
- On Sex and Intimacy:
- - “There's a lot of shame involved in sex. There's a lot of hiding involved in that because that's the way that it's been presented, I think, forever and it's not just It's not hiding when it's done in the right context as husband and wife. And another thing with blended family marriages is that a lot of people feel shame because obviously they have had intercourse or intimacy with another person because they're bringing children into the marriage. It's, kind of obvious. and so they kind of tried to avoid talking about that. My thing is that there's so much lost there. And those are things that you have to heal and you have to repent from in order to move on to a new healthy relationship with your now spouse.”

Resources:

Broken 2 Blessed is Megan Bottom’s website where you can find out more about her and her new book called Nana’s Pearls.
Megan’s Email Address: meganbottom@broken2blessed.org

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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