The Remarried Life

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152: Teach Your Blended Family to be Free by Judging Less Jul 21, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how judging others and being critical of others way of being can often lead to feeling of being trapped by your own anger. If you judge others then chances are also high that your bio kids and step kids may also begin to be weighed down by this as well. Today we will talk about freeing the entire family from this bondage so you can all you’re your most full lives. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Judging others and judging situations is something that is programmed into all of us from a very early age.
We are taught to size up and scrutinize the situations in life that we all face. However, it becomes unhealthy when we begin to “pass judgment” onto others for the things they do and say.
So what is judgment you ask? Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as, “the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.”
The two pieces that often get us into trouble when it comes to judging something are “opinion” and “comparing.”
An opinion is a very subjective view of something that we make up in our mind. It could be something as simple as, when you said hello to a person that passed by and they did not respond. In your mind you could form an opinion that says “what a jerk, couldn’t even have the decency to say hello back” or “wow they probably have a lot on their mind, and didn’t realize what I said” or maybe “they may not have actually heard me say anything because it is loud around here.” Or you could come in with a thousand other judgments about what you thought was behind the no smile that you saw.
The other piece that causes issues with the definition of judgment is “comparing.” Comparing is basically the examination of someone or something in relation to something or someone else and then look at the similarities and differences.
Of course when we have an opinion and make a comparison, we are most often placing this person or this thing up against us. And often depending on our view of ourself will often drive our judgment one way or another but it can be tricky as to which way that goes.
We can certainly view ourselves as equal, superior, or inferior to others and this will not doubt drive our response. But it is not as easy as you think. You would think that someone that views someone as equal would view another’s situation in a neutral or positive light, and those that find themselves superior or inferior might judge in a negative way. But I have seen all sorts of judgments from these places.
Someone who sees themselves as inferior I have seen can judge in both directions. They might say wow look at all this person has done to get themselves where they need to and look at what I lack. In this case the negative judgment is being directed at self and the positive judgment is being directed at the other. Or conversely some jealousy could enter and someone who sees themselves as inferior, could say something like well the success they have is not because of anything they have done but because of the help they received.
When we begin to judge others negatively or when we measure ourselves negatively, it can often feel like a weight around our necks that is constantly pulling us done.
It can also be very easy to begin to subconsciously teach the kids that judgment is normal and something to be done consistently. And unfortunately we are inadvertently giving them a weight to carry around.
Once I became more aware of the judgments I was passing on about other people, the more I felt that weight. Why is there a weight? That is a good question and I am not sure I have the full answer, but I think just being negative in general and exhausting ourselves by constantly making comparisons is probably what contributes to the weight of judgment coming back to us.
So what are some ways that we can lessen and maybe even prevent judgments and the subsequent weight that you and the family might feel.
- Become aware that you are thinking in this way. The more attune you are to your thoughts the more easily you can recognize this happening.
- Gratitude. Being appreciative of what you have in life can often head especially the comparison part of judgment off.
- Realize that there are many reasons why someone might be living a certain way or acting in a manner that is not consistent with how you would act. The issue here is not to pretend that something that person is doing is not a problem, but more about what that judgment is doing to your mental health.
- Be compassionate. By first thinking of the good in people, it can often feel more freeing. Now of course one must be cautious about being taken advantage of by others, but by teaching your children to always think the best about people the lower the chance they will judge in a harsh or negative way.
- Accept things more as they are. Often our brains think that we must always work to change something that doesn’t fit with our narrative in life. As a result we can often judge in preparation to want to change something. We all know often we can’t change someone else and if we try and it doesn’t happen it can often lead to some unhealthy mental states.

Finally, teach your kids both bio and step all of these things. First, you must practice these and get much better at them yourself. Once you feel you are in a better place with all of these, then gently guiding your kids in these ways, will help them grow up to be less judgmental and more free in their lives.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

151: Remarriage Rehab - Part 3 New Behaviors Jul 14, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection. In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about installing some new behaviors. Since we have discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something different.
You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and emotions often drive behaviors. So we cannot get to the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that underlie them first and we have done that through this series.
And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new and different actions. I say at the end of every episode that marriage is not something you have, it’s something you do. And so that means we can’t just become complacent, we have to things in order for our marriage to grow.
Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms beautiful flowers or vegetables. There are all sorts of things that must be done to get you that harvest.
- Find the right location for the garden. Is shade, sun, or a combination?
- Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best time to harvest.
- How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each other.
- What kind and how much fertilizer is needed.
- How much watering and when is the best time, morning, afternoon, evening, or overnight
- How often should the soil be manipulated.
- How should weeding happen.
So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper crop. The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create new habits.
I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just that. One is called The Love Dare and the other is called The Respect Dare. Not to be too gender biased, but it is often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men respond to the acts showing respect. The link for both books is noted below in the Resource section.
The premise of both books is that we should be doing small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one key. That key is that we should be doing them even we were are getting nothing in return. The general concensus is that you must likely will get something positive in return for these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take awhile.
So let’s talk about 3 examples that you could implement today from each of these books:

From the Love Dare:

“Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.”
“Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.”
“Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.”

From The Respect Dare:

- “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to do things my way.”
- “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a response versus a reaction.”
- “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from negative to a positive. For example instead of saying, “thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so gentle in your responses.”
These are just a few examples of how you can work to change your actions or behaviors to start to change your remarriage.
You might even have some of your own that work well. I always says do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

150: Remarriage Rehab - Part 2 Reducing Cognitive Distortions Jul 07, 2020

Show notes

Today's Goodies

Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
In Remarriage Rehab Part 2, we will talk today about how cognitive distortions can filter the way we view something that is happening and can change our reaction in a more negative way.
You might be asking what a cognitive distortion is. Well first before we describe what it is, you should know that we all have them to some degree or another because we are humans and imperfect.
A cognitive distortion is often described as a way of thinking that is often inaccurate and also tends toward being negatively biased. There are lots of cognitive distortions and we will go over a few of the more common ones now.
- Overgeneralization means that we reach a broad conclusion base on something occurring once or maybe even just a few times. For example, if you and your spouse constantly argue about money, it maybe become so overwhelming that you start thinking you disagree about everything.
- Catastrophizing is assuming the worst when faced with something that is unknown. Often our minds will go down a rabbit trail and eventually down the rabbit hole that a worse case scenario is going to happen.
- Personalization means that you are attributing blame for something entirely toward yourself or you could be blaming someone else. An example, might be something like blaming yourself and how bad of a person you for not cooking dinner one night. When in fact maybe there were all sorts of issues contributing to dinner not being able to be made.
- Labeling is somewhat similar to personalization. It occurs when say we mess something up, and we start to say we are a bad person. Or maybe we get into too many arguments and we start saying our spouse is a jerk for example.
There are many more cognitive distortions but those are just a few that pop up in relationships.
So what do we do with these. Let’s talk about 3 practical things you can do to limit the effect on your life.
- First, you must work to become aware that this is a possibility. A good way to do this is to notice or become aware of your thoughts and how you are processing what you are perceiving.
- Second notice if your mood has shifted negatively. Are you feeling anxiety, anger, or fear for example. If this is the case it may very well be that a cognitive distortion is occurring.
- Finally, can you allow your mind to think about alternative possibilities. The best example for doing this is assigning what you think the motivation is behind why someone is doing something. Often we get the motivation completely incorrect.
It takes time to recognize when we are mentally in a somewhat distorted place but the more you do it the easier it will be.
We look forward to discussing installing new behaviors in our next session.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

149: Remarriage Rehab Part 1 - Disconnecting From Your Past Jun 30, 2020

Show notes

Today's Goodies

Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
In Remarriage Rehab Part 1, we will talk today about disconnecting from our past.
You may have heard the phrase that, “if you are hysterical, then it may be historical.” This means that if you or your partner have a very inflated response to an issue, it quite possibly means that something from your past if playing a role.
The past can come from probably 3 different areas and is something to consider.
- Your childhood could be an area that is bringing something up. Sometimes differences in parenting can rear up in how you were parented versus how your spouse was parented as an example. Or maybe something traumatic happened that causes your fight or flight mechanism to kick in.
- Past relationships can also cause issues for us. If you went through a very difficult past marriage that was fraught with infidelity, then it cause manifest insecurities and trust issues. So if your spouse gets home from work late one day and doesn’t let you know beforehand, it could trigger a past feeling of upset if this was a norm in your past relationship.
- Past events in your current relationship can also cause issues. Maybe you have had a similar argument several times before. But this time it blows up completely. It could be happening, because the issue has so mounded up that it contributes to what is happening in the here and now.
All of this is great, so what to do we do about this.
- First, we need to do an honest evaluation to understand the root of our extreme upset. So when something like this comes up, you should go back through your history to understand if something has set up shop in your brain as a trigger.
- Second, we should voice our past triggers to our partner. This can do several things. It can help you by discussing and processing which is generally always a good thing for our brain. It can also help your partner know and understand which issues and topics may be landmines.
- Change our view that it is not entirely that you are a bad person or that your spouse is a bad person, but that there is a third element at play that could be wreaking havoc.
We all have a past and completely denying what that past might be doing can be a foolish endeavor.
It should be stressed that we should not use our past as a weapon toward each other either. I hear one person in a couple often will make very cutting comments that their partner acts a certain way solely because of the past.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

148: 3 Easy Steps for Making Big Blended Family Decisions Jun 23, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses how big decisions don’t need to be complicated or difficult. Of course sometimes decisions themselves may take some time to weigh out we will talk about 3 steps you should take during the process of making a big decision. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The big decisions in your blended family journey don’t come around everyday, but on occasion you might be faced with something that is big and weighty.
You might face a big job change that might incur more travel or more hours at the office. You might face a move that has to be made to another city because of a job change. Or maybe there are changes in custody or visitation because of a job or move issue. Maybe you simply need to move to a new home because your new blended family has outgrown the current home. Whatever the change might be, it will certainly come with a big decision.
In my own life, I was faced with a couple of those big decisions and one in particular came in the course of being in a blended family (one came while I was single and in between relationships). That big decision involved whether or not to move from Florida to Virginia as a result of a job transfer.
With that move, there were of course options. We could have stayed in Florida and I could have either looked to leave the company I was employed with or maybe found another position within the company to stay. And then the other option would be to remain with the company in that same position and move.
Ultimately after some back and forth between us as a family and some actual changes within the company that had the new job be a “go” then move to “frozen” to being a “go” again, we went through a quick 3 step process that helped us feel better about our decision.
Before I talk through that 3 step process, we ultimately did make the decision to move from Florida to Virginia. The main decision revolved around feeling like their might be more opportunities from a career standpoint and also there was more to do that would be to our liking.
So all this being said, let’s go through that 3 step process that it took to get us closer to make the big decision:
- First, get on the same page with your spouse. This may take awhile to talk through feelings about each side, and the pros and cons of the decision. For the most part don’t move to step 2 before being united with each other. However, if you are feeling like your discussions with each other are stalling then you might want to move forward only to circle back around.
- Secondly, understand the bio and stepkids feelings about each side of the decision. This means understanding their feelings about the decision. Now, getting this information does not mean that you will be making the decision based solely on their wants, but that you are taking this into consideration as a piece of the puzzle.
- Third, make the decision and communicate to the kids and/or other family members. Again you may need to go through several rounds of step 1 and 2 to get to the 3rd step. I would definitely advise that both you and your spouse have a family meeting of sorts to lay out the decision. Of course make the kids feel heard and understood by letting them know their opinions were important and valued. And you can say that these were definitely weighed during the tough decision you each as parents had to make.
So these steps may not actually make the decision for you, but again can be a guide to a smoother path to making the best decision for you and your blended family.
I like a quote attributed to U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, who said: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
So to me this means that I can’t get too hung up on all the attitudes and moods of the people in my family, but that sometimes I just have to keep making the best possible decisions for my family with my spouse’s agreement of course.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

147: “I’m Done” - Thinking About Another Divorce? Jun 16, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses how we all have times we have either uttered or thought, “I am done.” You have been divorced before and now you are thinking about it again. In today’s thought provoking episode, we will talk about how common this is and some things to think about to really know whether or not this next marriage will work or not. Also, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

So you have been through a divorce and are remarried. Are things getting so bad in your current relationship that maybe you can’t believe you are back at this place of contemplating another divorce?
If you have ever said or thought the words, “I am done” in a second or third marriage or beyond then you are certainly not alone.
You may or may not know that second marriages end in divorce about 60% of the time, 3rd marriages about 70%, and 4th are typically above 80%. So that being said, as you can see not only do lots of people say or think that they are done, that many actually follow through and get divorced again.
The stress of being in another marriage is only compounded because there are children involved that are not yours. This causes all kind of issues, especially when they say they don’t like and won’t listen.
Do you feel that your spouse does not have your back when it comes to these kid issues? This dynamic can generate even more stress on a couple and a family. One of you wants things to change and the other is more wishing for the status quo.
Based on all these pieces not working you definitely have every right to wonder if this next marriage is over.
Do you just have thoughts about these things or have you discussed this with your partner or with others? Once the issues are spoken then it can create another dynamic, because maybe until this time your partner has not realized there is an issue. Or maybe conversely they do agree and so it further advances what you both have been thinking.
You might be on the fence right now over whether or not this is truly something you should move forward with or something you should just try to deal with and figure a way to make peace with and stay in the marriage.
This is obviously a major decision in your life. A decision to end or continue a relationship, and a decision to change your kids and stepkids lives once again.
Let’s talk about the things you should consider to know whether or not you are really ready to end the marriage again.
- First, on a scale of 1-10 I want to you think about where you land on whether or not you should end this relationship. A “10” means you are in this fully and completely and a “1” means you are making concrete plans even as you listen to this podcast. A “5” means you are completely unsure and are weighing out each side of the coin. By understanding, your number above it will help you gauge really where you are at in determining your future.
- Are the words, “I am done” thought or said during the heat of an argument, just after while you are still emotionally flooded, or are they coming at times of calm well after an issue has caused a problem? As you can imagine if they come at times of calm, then you may realize this is more real that it is possibly time to move on.
- If you have voiced your concerns that you may need to end the marriage, do you feel that you have given enough time to see changes made?
- Do you listen to what your spouse is saying about you regarding what changes they would like? Sometimes in relationships, there is one person that generally brings up problems most often and the other just deflects. If you are the one that brings up problems, then you may need to work to be the one to listen more to your partner.
- What are the reasons you stay versus the reasons you think about leaving? Do any of the reasons for staying involve the love you have for your spouse? Do any of the reasons you stay involve how much they mean to you as a partner? If you reasons for staying involve mostly the kids or what others might think then that may be cause for concern.
- Do you have fears about being alone or starting over again? This is a very common fear that many people have, but again is this a valid reason or enough of a reason to stay in this marriage.
- What would you tell your best friend if they were in exactly the same position as you? When I ask people this question, the answer I often hear, is “I would tell them to do what makes them happy.” And they go on to say, that you should make your own decision but to weigh out things on all sides.
- If you are spiritual and more specifically a Christian, then you know there is wording in the Bible that speaks to divorce. When it comes to this you must think about the level of importance that you place on something like this. Only you can know your level of distress and you must weigh this out.
- Speaking to a counselor on your own, can give you some clarity. Be patient with this process, as many people want to go to a therapist so they can be told what to do. A good therapist will not tell you what to do but help you discover the best course of action for you.
Obviously a lot to consider and this is not an easy decision. If you have just entered into a place of thinking you are done, then be patient as you work through this. If you have been here a long time, then obviously you may have some more urgency about what needs to happen.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

146: We Need to Listen More Jun 09, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer in this fully unscripted quick episode, he talks simply about how we should do more listening to each other. We should adopt this strategy for a better home life in our remarriage and blended family and just better life in general. In addition to listening to today’s episode, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The message today is simple: Let’s practice listening more.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

145: How to Stay Fully Present in Your Remarriage Jun 02, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses staying fully mentally present in your remarriage. Now more than ever with more stress and more technology, we can often find ourselves physically present but not completely connected with our spouse. We will talk today about some ways to help you stay more present so that your connection with your spouse deepens. In addition to listening to today’s episode, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s world it is harder than ever to be consistently and fully emotionally present in our relationships.
Ever catch yourself thinking about work, the kids, doing yardwork, working out, the need to check your email or social media. Do you ever take your phone out to check something when your spouse is talking to you.
Do you sometimes multi-task like watch a movie AND scroll through your phone? Ugh, I am majorly guilty of this one.
Are you in a relationship where one or both of you have accepted this as the norm or do you get highly upset with each other when this is happening? I tend to see a wide variety of couples where this may or may not trigger upset or anger.
No doubt the blended family situations with all that goes into that and the many ways in which you each are pulled can certainly be a hindrance.
In my marriage therapy, I hear lots of stories about how one partner says they will be venting or even pouring out something emotional, and they will get blank stares or a very unempathetic response.
I recently worked with a couple, where the male would actually change the subject or walk away when his wife would start to talk about something emotional. Now interestingly, as we dug a little bit on this there were some keys to his past that played a role for sure which helped get a better understanding of why he might respond this way.
So let’s talk about some very common ways that we are not fully present:
- Thinking about other things and situations when our spouse is talking to us. I find the longer we are in a specific relationship, the more frequent this tends to occur.
- Technology is something we have already discussed, but again spending too much time on our smartphones and things like social media within the phone.
- Sometimes latching on to something your spouse said that caused an emotion to stir. At that point you are so locked on to that, that you no longer register much of what is going on with the rest of what is being said.
- General mental health struggles like anxiety and depression can inhibit staying fully present. Now sometimes those struggles are due to chemical imbalances and other times it can be related to stress and other outside factors like situations that are out of the norm.
- Finally when we get to a place of making judgments about the things we see. When we do this we are not keeping up with what we are seeing and doing in the moment. So for example when we see our spouse come home late, we will often make a snap judgment about what we think has happened and we can often carry on with these thoughts for quite awhile. And to further complicate, we will then often assign a positive or negative spin on this.
So now that you know what are some of the things to watch out for, let’s talk about some ways to help you be more fully present in your relationship:
- Catch yourself making judgments. Becoming more aware of this and working to reduce these will first help make you more fully present and secondly will hopefully make you happier.
- Mindfulness Meditation is a meditation where you work to become more aware of your thoughts, accept them and thus their power will usually reduce.
- Repeat back on occasion what you heard your partner say. This actually helps you stay on the conversation but also makes your partner often feel heard and understood.
- Unload some stressful pieces of your life. Are there things you can let go of? Maybe it is something you do like yardwork? Could you hire it out? Maybe it is all of the volunteering you do? Maybe it is something internal like the guilt you feel over your past divorce?
- If the inability to stay present is significant, make an appointment with a mental health care professional to look for something clinical like Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or PTSD. Medication could also be something to talk your doctor or psychiatrist about.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
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144: Shared Parenting – 3 Guiding Principles May 26, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about shared parenting and how you should be guided by 3 high level principles in everything you do when it comes to sharing parenting with your ex-spouse. In addition to today’s episode, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Shared Parenting or Co-Parenting is definitely a relatively new term when it comes to parenting kids from a divorce. It used to be that one person had primary or even sole custody and could drive most of the decisions. Or sometimes it was called shared custody. I suppose that has primary and sole custody has it’s benefits when done properly, but the courts found that this was often not the best for the children.
Society and the legal system determined at some point that giving both parents an equal say in the child’s life was best for everyone including the parents and the children. There are of course issues with this approach as well in that sometimes parents can get a bit gridlocked sometimes on gray areas that maybe aren’t spelled out so much in the legal documents.
So while the legal system is probably got it right, when you get away from it and deal with day to day and the differences of opinion with your ex-spouse, it can get hairy!
When I was going through my divorce, we were for the most part amicable but I was considered to have primary custody and had more power in decision making. I do believe with one exception which I will talk about in a minute that I used my power wisely and to the benefit of everyone involved.
I suppose if I am transparent with you, the one mistake I made involved me moving away to entirely different state. Now it wasn’t necessarily the move that caused the issue but what happened the first summer away.
So about 3 years after my separation and 2 years after the divorce was finalized, I was not emotionally doing well. I decided that I needed a change. That change was very drastic. I decided to move from Ohio to Florida. Since I had primary custody of my daughter at that time and that my ex-wife was very friendly about it, the move went forward without much of a hitch.
Now you could argue that this is where the problem existed, but it really occurred during that first full summer. Since the distance was so great, we made an agreement that my daughter would come back every Christmas and also every summer. That first summer, I had a problem with my 5 year old daughter being gone for 12 weeks, so we made a deal to have her only be gone for 6 weeks.
Looking back I was scared that my daughter would come back changed or no longer want to be with me. My ex-wife fought me on doing this but eventually relented. But much to my surprise my daughter came back just fine and from there I was more willing to allow her to spend the entire summer with her mom.
Obviously that was a different time and different circumstances and most likely as you are listening there probably is more of a shared situation going where maybe one of you does not have any more authority or power than the other.
So all this being said I want to give you 3 somewhat broad principles to guide your dealing with your ex-spouse when it comes to shared parenting. To get much more concrete tips, check out my free Shared Parenting Checklist that will add to what we are going to talk about now.
- Consistency – Make sure you are as consistent in everything you do. If you have a plan that has been laid out then stick to it as much as you can. Obviously if things have been laid out by the courts then do that. Of course be flexible when you can, but most “experts” agree that consistency is best for both you, your ex-spouse and most of all the kids.
- Communicate – Always communicate what is happening with your children at your home and what an ex-spouse might need to watch out for including homework that may need to get done, medications to be taken, moods or attitudes the child is in, or big changes in life such as loss of friends or loved ones.
- Calm – Always remain calm. You may do all things consistently, you may communicate everything appropriately and it still may not work. You might be met with a resistant or angry ex-spouse. As best you can be calm. Now be careful about your calmness coming off as flippant. Sometimes if it appears you could care less about your spouse’s anger, this can sometimes fuel it even further. So there is a balance of keeping your calm and recognizing it is not easy for either of you.
It may not go perfectly, but if you practice Consistency, Communication, and Calm it typically can go in a much better direction than it would otherwise when it comes to shared parenting.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

143: It’s Ok To Be Different in a Blended Family May 19, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how even as adults we can often feel like we don’t measure up to our friends who have been married for years with lots of kids. It can sometimes look like they have the idyllic life, which of course we know is not always true. But still it can be hard not to celebrate our differences. That is what we are going to do today. Your different blended family is one to be proud of especially because you have lots more experiences in pain and difficulty that others can learn from. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

I have never been very comfortable with feeling different. I had periods in my childhood especially where I struggled with my weight. In fact as I look back on my youth, whenever I had periods of feeling like I was in the spotlight, I would cope with my anxiety by eating.
In fact I remember that when I played baseball, I especially disliked being the batter at the plate. I felt like all eyes were lasered in on me as I was doing my best to hit the ball. Looking back, I often failed not because I didn’t have the ability but that I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different or standing out.
Same goes for my divorce. I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different than all of my friends. This was driven largely by feelings of being a failure. So not only did I feel like I had failed in my first marriage but I felt like I was a failure.
I would like to say I had some big light bulb moment that changed all of this but much time was needed for the feelings to fade and to realize that lots of people go through the struggle.
Of course once you get through the hurdle of being okay with feeling different because you are divorced, then comes the blended family experience. And most definitely that for sure feels much different!
I went to a wedding this weekend, and in spite of my divorce taking place over 20 years ago, and this blended family journey I started well over 15 years ago, I still felt that same feeling of being just a bit different.
You might be asking what was it about this wedding that brought those feelings up? I suppose it was two fold.
- Of course seeing a young couple getting married for the first time. They were high school and maybe even middle school sweethearts. Seeing them up at the altar took me back to my first wedding and marriage and all the promise.
- Then the parents of the two families I know well as we all attend the same church. The groom’s parents have been married for well over 30 years and have 5 boys together. The brides parents also to my knowledge married over 30 years and have a mixture of boys and girls that make up 5 kids.
So all that being said, definitely gave me some small moments where I thought wow how nice would it be to be married to the same person for that long and to have that many kids together. Alas it did not happen for me.
As the wedding wound down, and my wife (both our second marriage) got into the car together to ride home, we remembered with fondness our own wedding and how my daughter from my previous marriage who was 8 at the time was not completely thrilled. It was a sweet but tough time.
- It was sweet because it was a new adventure where we both felt like we were getting a second chance. My daughter on the other hand felt as if she were getting the shaft. So it was a balance, but one that we look on now knowing that we are better for it.
So that being said how do we celebrate and feel good that we are different? Let’s talk about that:
- First, as the Kelly Clarkson song goes, “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.” To me this means that if we survive divorce and that initial stages of blending, then indeed this has made us stronger.
- We can offer help and hope to those struggling with loss and pain. Really any kind of loss and pain can resonate with us having dealt with some of the biggest emotional pain on the planet.
- We don’t get complacent with relationships with the kids. In fact we have to be careful that we don’t go the other way and over analyze and beat ourselves up and…and…and. In other words though on the bright side we can put much more thought and effort because our circumstances are so much different.
- Most of us realize that our past relationships that ended, are a result of issues on both ends. If you are like me, shortly after my marriage ended I put the entire blame on my ex-wife for the end of the relationship. But wow as the years passed by I soon realized the part I played. So all this being said, we can gently offer to our friends that they could also being playing a part in relationship difficulties.
- We are good at juggling. What do I mean there? I mean good at juggling lots of people’s attitudes and ego’s all while hopefully maintaining ours.

We hope that today’s message, has offered some hope that it is okay to be different. Remember that the people that stand out are generally the people that are different. Don’t be afraid to be and do different. Let that be you moving forward in your blended family journey.

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