The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

132: How to Get Your Relationship Out of the Dry Place Mar 03, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks filling up your partner emotionally especially when you relationship has run dry. The episode is extremely personal for me because my wife and I have discussed entering a very dry period individually and in our relationship. We have discussed being intentional in our relationship and so today we will discuss a few ways to get there so that both you and your partner feel fulfilled in your relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

This is a very personal episode for me because I have entered into a dry place in my life and in my relationship. If you have been with someone long enough this is most likely going to happen.
For some people it is something more conscious where specific decisions are being made that are purposefully done to create distance. However, today I am focusing on those of us who do not intentionally do something to drive a wedge, but more probably the lack of things done that create a wedge.
I have gotten in this place where the podcast is doing well, my business of working with couples and individuals is going really well in counseling and I begin to subconsciously pour much more of my energy into those places and so what get’s left out. My marriage, family, and friends are what gets left out.
The good news though about this is that I have finally come to grips with this dry place and want to do something about it. It took awhile which involved lots of thinking, lots of discussions with God, and lots of discussions with my wife.
I started to notice over the last year that my patience with things my wife would say was wearing thin. Additionally, I would often times feel the urge to say something about something she did or said that did not sit well with me.
This is something that of course over the life of the 20 years that we have known each other would happen but not to the level over the last year.
We both determined that the lack of positivity, doing and saying the right things toward each other was not there and so more negativity had begun to creep in to take a foothold.
Prior to coming to this realization, I said a couple of times that I would stop the negativity that I could see was coming into my heart and coming out through my lips. However, this would be somewhat short-lived until the next time something flared.
I discovered that what was missing was filling my marriage and my spouse up with positive deposits. It is kind of like a bank account in some ways, that if there is a lack of funds being deposited, that when withdraws need to be made you can feel it just a bit more.
So with you my listener as my accountability partner, here are the things I am committing myself to. And by the way before I start to talk about these things, I want you to think through your own relationship and determine what ways you might add to the emotional love tank.
So here is what I am committing to:
- One night a week, my wife and I will be turning off the TV and putting aside the phones. Instead we will engage in one of 3 types of activities together – playing cards or another game, doing a maintenance type project around the home, or doing a daily devotional together that centers around our relationship with God.
- We will pray together everyday. The prayers will center around getting closer to God, forgiving each other, offering thanksgiving to each other, and asking for blessings for one another.
- We plan to also do a daily individual devotional as well because in our relationship we probably are actually out of balance in not doing enough individually.
There might be other things that we can do, but ultimately we will center things around these three things. As you can see they all either directly all the time or some of the time focus on our Christian faith and walk with God.
I have decided that I am dry in my relationship and marriage because my relationship with my heavenly father is also dry.
Are you in a dry period in your relationship? What will you commit to today to reinvigorate your relationship? Just make it small. One, two, or three easy things you can commit to start seeing the wheels turn in the other direction.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

131: You Need These Three Types of Blended Family Couples In Your Life Feb 25, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the blended family journey and the necessity of seeking out three other couples to walk alongside. Some have referred to having a Paul (a couple ahead of you), a Barnabus (a couple in the same generally area in life) and a Timothy (a couple just a few steps behind). If you can surround yourself with these three types of couples, you can live a more full and complete life. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know that if we stick with hanging around people just like us and in our stage of life, that things could get stagnant. There is no growth there.
This reminds me of growing up with the love of the game of tennis. I was about 12 years old when I first learned to play tennis on an old worn out court the apartment complex that I lived in with my mom who was divorced from my dad.
I began to eat, breathe, and sleep tennis. I could get enough of it. Some days I played so many hours, I would have salt stains all over my hat and shirt from the endless hours of sweat.
I definitely got better at what I was doing by playing with friends at the same skill level and age that I was at. That seemed to work for a time, but then I began to plateau.
Not knowing it at the time, but there were a couple of key ingredients that were added that helped propel me to honing my skills even more.
What lifted me from the plateau and into a place where I performed even, was that I started to play against competitors who were more advanced and also by mentoring players that were a bit behind.
Intuitively, you would think that by playing someone ahead of me that maybe I wouldn’t get anywhere and that I have what little confidence shaken. The opposite happened. I pressed in and pushed myself to try as best I could to keep up with them. There were certainly moments where I was not getting anywhere on the scoreboard, but I thinking mentally and emotionally I gained strength.
As some point I also began to mentor and help train younger tennis players. By doing this I had to really slow down what I was doing and be able to teach it in a far more meaningful way so that they could get it. As you know sometimes we do something for so long, that we just tend to get in a rhythm and feel like we don’t even know what we are doing.
In slowing myself down, I really found myself being able to hone in and focus during my own tennis matches and so I ultimately performed better.
So all this being said, how in the world does this have any meaning in your blended family journey. Well it has a lot to with it and that we will explain now.
What types of other couples should you surround yourself with in order to better your experience (and theirs for that matter):
- A “Barnabus” Couple: First you should find a couple just like you in the same stage of life you are in. You may or may not be aware that Barnabus was a good friend and considered an equal to Paul. He would go to bat for Paul in a moment’s notice. They were equals in their life and could lean on each for equal support.
- A “Paul” Couple: If you know anything about the Bible you know how wise and how great of a teacher Paul was. He did not sugar coat but his letters would be stern guidance for many of the churches of his day who may not have been walking in the right way in the things they did and practiced. In this way, you need a more seasoned couple who has been through more than you have in order to help teach you the right path.
- A “Timothy: Couples: This type of couple is a few years or maybe lots of years behind you. As you know Timothy was a mentee under Paul and learned much from his wiser counterpart. In the same way, you probably have much more you can teach than you realize. It is a great obligation and priviledge to make sure you are training up those that are coming from behind.
So ultimately in order to best grow, you should find a couple ahead of you in your journey, a couple at relatively the same place, and a couple that is behind.
Obviously pray that these types of couples and blended families would come forth in your life rather than trying to force anything.
If you have these three types of couples in your life there is no doubt you will live a much more fulfilled life.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

130: How to Change Your Mindset Toward Your Blended Family Feb 18, 2020

Show notes

We devote many episodes of this podcast to our own thinking, feeling, actions. Why do we do this? Because it is the only thing sometimes that we are able to control.
I mean think about your spouse, your biological children, and your stepchildren. They all have different things going on, different things they have experienced during the day and are going to react often in ways that are completely different from one another.
This honestly is so completely difficult to handle and change that often we end throwing our hands in the air, getting angry or even worse want to just throw in the towel completely.
So you are probably wondering what I am saying here? I am saying turn a blind eye to what is happening, don’t hold anyone to any consequences for their behavior. No of course I am not saying that, but I am saying to watch for a few things in yourself.
Because to circle back around again, we can only control the way we think, feel, and behave.
Let’s talk about a few things you should focus on to help you change how you view what is going on in your blended family situation.
- Get in touch with your mood to start with. Have you had a tough day with others or at work? Knowing and understanding where you are starting from can certainly help guide where you are entering into any given situation.
- When you see a stepchild for example act or say something, think first what have they been dealing with today?
- Then ask what have they been dealing with for a lifetime?
- Next I want you to think about a defense mechanism called “Displacement.” Displacement is this idea of taking out anger on something or someone we feel safer to do so. Often anger unleashed on a stepparent for example by a stepchild is done because of the situation or someone else in their life that is upsetting. For example the stepchild could be taking anger out on you because of the divorce of his own parents.
- Do you view kids as manipulators or as simply responding to the world around them in the only way they know how? In order words do you believe at the core they are motivated to really sabotage you or again or they lashing out because of what situation they are in?
The bottomline is this. We need to take some breaths and pause before we react in anger at situations that may either drive as to want to figuratively fight our way in or may make us want to flee the situation and even maybe the relationship as a whole.

This is a really simple and short episode today, but nevertheless a powerful one to think about to hopefully change how you feel about the situations with kids and your spouse that come up from time to time.

129: Valentines Day Remarriage Family Traditions Feb 11, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the Valentines Family tradition. Not only should Valentines Day celebrate each other as spouses but should incorporate the kids as well. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Valentine’s Day over the years has gotten a bad rap as has ever other holiday for being over commercialized. And the reality is that yes there probably is some truth to that. But nevertheless it should be viewed as an important day especially in the life of the blended family.
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love and so it could be argued that this day is needed in the life of the blended family maybe more than any other day.
It is needed because love in a blended family unfortunately does not come naturally like it does in the biological family. In the biological or first marriage, love especially from parent to child is typically built in and while it should be nurtured of course, that sometimes it can just exist without much watering of the garden.
Not so in blended families. Every chance you get you should work to encourage that love to grow, and again what better way than to take advantage of Valentine’s Day.
As you probably know Valentine’s Day occurs every year in the United States and in other parts of the world on February 14. It is a day where loved ones will give each other gifts like cards, flowers, and candy.
There are some different accounts of how Valentines Day started and one of the more interesting involved poet Geoffrey Chaucer. He was from England and lived in medieval times. His most famous work is the Canterbury Tales.
In 1735 Chaucer wrote a poem called “The Parliament of Foules” and in it he referred to February 14 as the day of the St. Valentines feast day where people come to find a mate. So there is a thought this day grew out of a fictional day written about in a poem almost 300 years ago.
Certainly my fondest memories of Valentines Day as a child were the exchanging of Valentines Day cards at school. Of course they were store bought and varied using across various animated themes like princesses, super heroes and other cartoons.
Our teacher would usually ask us to bring a tissue box from home and then we would decorate it however we wanted. The purpose of the box was to hold all of the cards we might get as we exchanged them with fellow students.
Brian confesses in elementary school that he could not wait for one or maybe two different girls to give him a card if he had the so called “crush” on them.
Heather’s fondest memory was very similar and it was about the exchange of cards with classmates and the excitement that came along with that.
What about some Valentine’s Day traditions do we celebrate now? Something we decided a long time ago is that we would spend Valentine’s Day at home. When our daughter was home we might all talk about what to make usually would involve a steak or other nice cut of meat and some good sides.
We would set up a card table in the living room with a nice table cloth and maybe a candle or something in the middle. So it really did feel like we eating out but were not fighting the crowds. It was a nice simple intimate dinner with all of us as a family just sharing our love for one another.
What are some of your Valentines Day traditions as a child? How about some of the things you did in your first marriage? What about now? Have you carried over some similar traditions from your past or do you have new ones? Post these in the Remarried Life Facebook group as we would love to see some of the different things you do.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse? Feb 04, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how an increase in disagreements and arguing can often be a result of some voices from your childhood. Feeling like you don’t measure up to your spouse or that your spouse does not care often will be magnified because someone in your past either said these things or made you feel this way. We will talk about this and what to do about it. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Have you noticed an increase in arguments with your spouse over seemingly small and insignificant issues? You both cover the same ground over and over again without getting anywhere.
If this is you then you are not alone. This happens to most if not all couples. It can especially happen in a remarriage, because you have much more life experience and issues you have been through.
It happens to my wife and me in our relationship. In fact the main reason, we choose to do this episode is because we had a whopper of an argument over something so seemingly small. But when we investigated further when we were in a more calm space we discovered something very interesting.
My wife and I discovered, as she would say things to me in the argument like “I guess I am to blame, I am no good, I don’t measure up, I need to change, It’s all my fault” that these words were not fully coming from me.
Then I in turn said things like, “I guess you don’t care, You don’t see my hurt, I’m not the priority” and the list goes on. The more I dug and processed through where this was coming from I also discovered my wife was not saying these things to me.
We can often say things like this is how you made me feel. And certainly this is not to dismiss when we are being attacked or talked down to of course. Words and interactions with our spouse can certainly hurt.
However, when we are saying things like “you made me feel” this can come from a place in your past.
It might come from a past spouse that actually said things to you like you are no good or you are worthless. The more things like this are said the more it can cause us to really start to believe these things about ourselves.
Returning back to my wife and I and the argument we had over this past weekend, we really did discover that each of us have some voices from the past that played a role in what happened.
The issue started innocently enough. We were at a restaurant and finishing up our meal. I said I need to use the restroom. She said, “can’t you just wait until we get home.” She detected a stern tone and I also detected an edge to her response. And from there we were off to the races. We argued a bit about the issue then the argument turned deeper.
I started to ask her to speak differently. She took that as I was trying to tell her how to speak. I explained that I was not trying to tell her how to speak but more explaining how it helps me. She continued to state that it felt like she was being how to speak and from there it was “I guess I am the problem in this relationship” and I responded with “I guess you just don’t care about me.”
The next day when we were a bit more calm we started to process through what happened. I would love to tell you that it went smoothly. It did not. We began to swirl about 3 or 4 times over the same ground. I don’t know about my wife but I could feel the anger inside my body starting to well up again. Because it was a slightly more calm space, I was able to more quickly came myself but it was as if waves kept coming and going along the shore.
We were not really getting anywhere until I said something like, “When you say things like, you don’t think I measure up to you,” I said those words are not coming from me. I asked her where those words in her head came from.
She then proceeded to tell me that growing up she would often be told she couldn’t do certain things. She specifically told me when it came to choosing a career, she had several areas in mind. But she was often told there were reasons why she should not pursue certain careers.
She began to then think very small. Those thoughts about doing something safe with her career began to seep into who she was. So in turn she started to think somewhat small of herself. And thus the sprouting of where this view of herself came from.
For me, I grew up in a split house. My parents divorced around the time I was about 2 years old. The relationship from then on between my parents was very contentious. They spent a lot of time arguing about finances and time. Then things boiled over at the time I was around 13. I won’t go into the story here in great detail because it was take some time, but needless to say that was the last time I would see my father for maybe 7-8 years.
Before this happened and after, I began to feel that I was a bit invisible. My parents to me felt more concerned to concentrate on their feelings toward each other than on me. So in the most formative time of my life I did not have a father and I distinctly remembering on occasion if my mother would like to play a board game or some cards and I was mostly told that she was too busy.
I then began to feel that “no one cares about me” or that “I am not the priority” or “does anyone see me or hear me.” And thus the sprouting of some ill feelings about myself.
So as you can see, when one person who doesn’t feel like they measure meets someone that feels like the other does not care it can often fuel silly little surface arguments.
So what should you do about this? I don’t have a list of things for you to consider or do like I usually do, but it is very simple. When things are calm, I want you to process through a past argument and try to determine what the voices in your head or saying to you about yourself and then work to understand where those came from.
If you can do this, then in your next argument you start to realize that it is not necessarily things your spouse is saying to you but more about what others have said to you.
This will take some time and some stops and starts to get where you need to be, but it should help.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting Jan 28, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about the dreaded family meeting. You have all kinds of chaos between your spouse, the ex-kids, the kids, and the stepkids. You are saying one thing, your spouse is saying another, you had various kids arguing and fighting with each other. It probably feels like everyone is being pulled into many directions. Let’s talk about what to do and what not to do in a family meeting. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You have probably had those moments where chaos is reigning in the home. No one is listening to anyone and you feel like you are losing your group and can’t keep it. Sometimes it feels like the dam that has sprung so many leaks that it is just humanly impossible to contain it all.
You do your best to have discussions with your spouse to work on alleviating the issues. You probably separately pull aside each child to get their version of events. You have discussions with an ex-spouse about helping you handle the kids.
You do all of this and nothing changes, no one seems to listen and maybe situations get worse. So what in the world do you do?
Like lots of people you could say, “you know I’ve been divorced before, and made it through.” “I can do it again.” We have all been there for sure even in our subsequent marriages. We get so angry and so frustrated that we just think wouldn’t life be so much easier if I was on my own?
Often though we can’t because as a human species, we were built for companionship and so we want to keep working at it. Which is surely a good thing but maybe you are going about it in the wrong way.
Rather than trying to work on issues separately, have you ever thought about trying out a family meeting? I can already hear the groans, because you may have been through something like this before and know that everyone hates them. Parents hate feeling like the bad guy and the kids don’t want to listen and feel like they are being piled on.
So let’s talk about some new and different ways to handle a family meeting. Here are some helpful tips that might make your meetings go much better than ones that you have had before.
- Hold them somewhat regularly. In doing so it because a bit more routine and it takes the sting or fear in doing them. I mean if you only schedule them when there is a crisis or something hits the proverbial fan then of course your family won’t like them. Weekly seems like a lot so maybe monthly to start and then adjust from there.
- Start the meeting by celebrating the good! Make sure that throughout the month you tracking the good that you, your spouse, and your kids are doing whether it be in interactions, chores, homework, academic or sports achievements. Then work to highlight as least one positive for each person.
- Spend some time talking about the family news and let everyone process together. For example maybe grandma has gotten ill and the family had to make the decision to help her enter into assisted living. Have the family talk about this and what it has been like. Even discussing what she might mean to each family member can sometimes be helpful in connecting everyone.
- Talk about the bad. This is the area that most people think of when it comes to family meetings. This has certainly been true for a long time. Usually the only time gatherings are called impromptu are when something has figuratively blown up. If this is all the meeting consists of you can bet emotions will run high and you might even deal with shutting down. But chances are better in this area if the bad only takes part of the meeting
- Allow for each person to share something good that happened and something they struggle with. You will of course get your introverted child that won’t want to share and that is okay. Keep offering it up every time.
- When someone is sharing especially a struggle, ask them if they need help solving the struggle. If they say yes I need help, then throw it out to the group to see what others might suggest. This can help build teamwork and connection.
- Rotate who leads. This is simply one person facilitating moving the discussion from one subject to the next.
- Talk about goals. What meeting would be complete without talking about the future of each individual and the future of the family unit.
- Involve Food! What meeting would be complete without having some food. Maybe you could revolve dinner around the meeting or even just some snacks. You could get creative and have one person come with something to make for the meeting.
- Have Fun.
If you give these things a try, your discussions will hopefully go much better. It could take some time though so be sure to be patient.
And then of course have fun with it!

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.

126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads Jan 21, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about being nice to your family including your stepkids even when you feel like they don’t deserve. Heap burning coals on their heads is a biblical reference to doing kind things for your enemies. The burning coals is supposed to awaken those that you are being nice to how to act differently toward you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

I so get the thought of why should I be nice to them if they are not nice to me. You mostly likely are in a blended family where you feel that one or more of the stepkids don’t like you.
Now it could truly be a dislike for you or most likely it could be a dislike for the situation. Whatever it is, it still probably feels like the former where the brunt of an issue that a stepchild has is with you.
My wife certainly experienced this with my biological daughter. At times she wouldn’t listen to my wife, would act rudely, or often just shut down. At the time my wife took this very personally. She would have moments where she would try to be the bigger person but oh so often she did not.
It was just a tough situation all the way around for both. My wife would often come to me asking how in the world should she even handle this situation because it often didn’t matter what she tried, be nice as pie, be stern, or be cold. Whichever way she went she was just not getting the response she needed.
However my wife did come to the realize that because she was the adult that she had to be the one to come forward often toward my daughter in order for their to be at least some sort of relationship.
This is where the title of the episode comes in. You might be wondering what the phrase “heap burning coals on their head came from. In the bible it says “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head.” Proverbs 25:21-22 NIV.
Wow heaping burning coals on someone’s head doesn’t sound like a nice thing to do. But according to the meaning of this phrase it does refer to something more positive that what it sounds.
The heaping of burning coals really refers to getting them to awaken to what you are doing. It will help to stir to a different way of being or doing. So it is not meant to harm but is more meant for their good.
Now I would assume this was never actually done to anyone for the express purpose of getting them to change their ways, but probably more a metaphor. But who knows it could like the whole sort of walking on coals things were there are reports that if you can mentally calm yourself that walking on hot coals won’t affect you. I don’t know that I would want to try that just like I don’t think I would want to take a hot bucket of coals and dump it on someone’s head.
But as difficult as it sometimes is, being nice to your stepchildren in spite of what you get back can hopefully produce some more positive results longerm.
Think about it in a few different ways:
- You are training these children even though some are not yours biologically to function in society when they become adults.
- This is not going to last forever. This too shall pass, which interestingly is not actually in the Bible, meaning that your time will eventually come to an end as they move on with their lives.
- Being nice sometimes can release anger. I know I am hitting on biblical references a lot today, but I love the passage in Romans that says “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay’” says the Lord. Romans 12:19. Or how about the song called “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen. However you slice sometime repaying evil with good will take the weight of anger off of you.
- Do something nice not worrying about the consequences. If you spend your time thinking that you should get a certain way of acting back from a stepchild then this will very quickly stop you from doing nice things.
- Envision them thanking you when they are 30 years old. This is a long ways away but once they get some adult years under their belt and their brain has fully formed (around age 25) you might actually get a thank you for what you did.
This episode is really just meant to encourage you to keep going even when it is tough. Sometimes this thing feels like you are out in the Alaskan wildnerness, cold and frostbitten with many miles to go. But as was said in the great movie “The Shawshank Redemption, ” “you better get busy living or get busy dying.” You will surely mentally and emotionally die if you repay bad deeds with more bad. Now of course I am not talking about discipline for sure. Kids do need to be held accountable for their actions, but if you can peer into what is wrong it can often bring you closer together.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different Jan 14, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about what we have all been through and that’s dealing with an ex-spouse who runs a much different family dynamic or parenting style than you. Usually the differences center around the relationship with the children, the rules like bedtimes, mealtimes, and homework. We will talk today about how to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Once you get divorced, you know that part of your child’s life that is spent with the other parent is likely to be very different than the way they spend their life with you.
Sometimes the differences revolve around relationship and rules balance. You might think that you have a nice balance of making sure your child knows you love and care about them but that there are also rules and expectations.
Often you might feel like the rules and relationships is out of balance with your ex-spouse. For some reason and I don’t have any data to back this up, but often I hear from folks that they feel like the ex-spouse favors relationship over rules.
Hearing things like bedtimes are whenever they want to be is a common refrain. Or maybe eating habits at the other home is less healthy. How about the kids being to watch whatever they want whenever they want is another very common issue.
So great now what to do you do. I’ll give a few helpful tips but the very short of all of this is that there may not be much you can do that will be effective in changing anything that is going on at the other parents home.
Of course if you believe you children are being abused verbally, physically, or sexually then by all means of course you have to report that and get your children to safety.
But if this is not present then here are some things you can do but once again be surprised if things change but expect that they won’t.
Here are some tips and these are assuming you are able to speak to your ex-spouse:
- First explain that the issues you want to discuss are a result of wanting the best for the children you both share.
- Explain that consistency is the best way that both sides can have an easier time with the transition.
- Politely, ask if your children have trouble adjusting when they go to your ex-spouse’s home. You can advise that there is trouble adjusting. If there is trouble adjusting then it could be an easier discussion into what could help since there is trouble on both ends.
- Politely, ask you ex-spouse if the child’s bedtimes could remain consistent across both households. Of course if weekends are a part of the child’s time at one or the other’s home then of course there may be days where it is different.
- Watch your anger because no doubt it will crop up. If you let your anger get the best of you, it will often negate the advances you are trying to make.
- Ask your ex-spouse what you might be able to change on your end to make things better.
- Remember that all requests made by you or your ex-spouse can either be responded to in one of three ways. They can be met completely, met with a compromise, or not met at all. So once again keep this in mind when you are asking for something
Most of all good luck because sometimes it might feel like you are trying hit a moving target.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily Jan 07, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how technology, screen time, and social media can secretly and silently destroy your connection with your stepfamily. We will talk about this and some strategies to reduce this as an issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Over the last decade we have all become familiar with how technology like smartphones, tablets and other devices have eroded time together as a family and causes issues for individuals even beyond the family.
There are differing studies on the issues, but the average screen time a teenager spends every day is around 6 hours. If you take away the time we need to sleep which is usually around 7-9 hours, this means that 6 out of 15-17 hours a teenager is awake they are on the phone.
You might thing that teenagers spend much more time in front of a screen, but according to many studies of adults, it appears that on average adults might spend around 11 hours in front of a screen. Of course some of this could be work related, but still this is an incredible amount of time.
Now to be clear all use of technology is not bad. Because of the way the world operates now, sometimes there is not much we can do about. For example determining the hours a restaurant is open is much easier to check on the internet than to make a call to determine this.
What about using apps that make video calls so that loved ones can connect in a more face to face manner even though it is through the screen.
Now while screentime can be beneficial it can often be a hindrance to connection. This is no more of an important issue that those of us that exist in a blended family.
With connection between stepparents and stepchildren or between step siblings already tenuous at best, we need all the help we can get to strengthen those connections. Unfortunately kids and screens whether they voluntarily use them or a parent is asking them to get on a screen because the child is “bored” is getting in the way of already frayed connections.
Let’s talk about some ways that we can reduce screen time and some suggestions for what can be done instead.
- Give some advance notice that you have made a decision that screen time should be reduced. So maybe one week prior and for each day make an announcement that screen time will soon be required to be reduced.
- Setting limits on screen time is important but you must go slowly. Unfortunately screen time is somewhat like an addiction. You may have seen meltdowns on the internet which kids are asked to put down the screens and games. So maybe you start with a 15 min block of time once a day for a week to ask everyone to put away screens.
- You could even not do this everyday, but say every other day or once every 3 days if you would like.
- Everyone should participate even the adults. This probably goes without saying, but there is slightly higher likelihood that the children will fall in line if they see you practicing what you are telling them to do. Now notice I said slightly and in some cases there is potential this will not work and the children will still be angry.
- Each person in the family has their own day where they have to reduce screen time as another option. So for example, maybe your day is Mondays to limit. Maybe your spouse takes Tuesdays. Then you stepson takes Wednesdays, and your daughter takes Thursdays. This will actually help put the spotlight on one family member to know that they are in some ways being watched. Of course reward the individual with lots of compliments if you “catch” them on your day.
- Substituting screen time for something else is also important. Games that involve the entire family can be helpful.
- Chores that each child must complete first before screen time can help to limit the amount of time on the screen.
- Implementing a physical fitness routine is also important.
- - According to the USDA, adults should do at least 2 hours and 30 minutes of aerobic physical activity at a moderate level or about 1 hour and 15 minutes at a vigorous level.
  - For kids between the ages of 6-17 years old, they recommend 60 minutes or more of physical activity a day. There should be muscle building activity as well.
This is not going to be easy because as we know, humans are generally averse to change. Kids are especially prone to have difficulty with change. So again to repeat take this slow and give lots of advance warning that changes will be made.
The changes you make now can work to strength everyone’s social, intellectual, emotional and physical well-being.
Okay so I am going to practice what I teach by wrapping up this episode and going to do what I love and that is go for a run. It is a bit chilly but hopefully within a few minutes of starting I will get nice and toasty.
Good luck with your work to help reduce screen time and begin to strengthen connections in your stepfamily.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner Dec 31, 2019

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how the human brain will filter something the eyes see and the ears hear into something that maybe is not really there. It is called making assumptions. When we see our spouse say or do something, we will often unknowingly ascribe meanings that may or may not be true. We will talk about this and what to do instead. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know the old cliché about what assumptions do? That make a “blank” out of you and me.
So what exactly is an assumption? The dictionary says something like, “something that is accepted as true or certain to happen, without proof.”
Now this is certainly tricky, because for sure sometime what we will assume will happen does actually happen but sometimes it does not.
Additionally, in our relationship with our spouse sometimes your reaction to what you perceive you are seeing in your spouse will actually draw that reaction you are believing will happen even more.
An example, of this might happen when you sense a change in tone or bodily language in your partner, and you brain senses anger. You then might comment on how angry your partner sounds. What happens next is your spouse gets angry whether they truly were or not. You then might respond by saying, “yep I knew you were angry and sure enough there it is.” So in this example, you made an assumption then stoked the fires where it came out anyway or came out even more magnified.
Our brains are like computers processing information at lightning speed. This is most helpful most of the time specifically if we are in danger. For example we want our brain to be quick if a vehicle traveling toward us crosses the center line. We need to be able to react quickly.
Apparently a study by MIT scientists found that our brain processes images that we see in about 13 milliseconds. Did you know that the blink of an eye takes about a tenth of a second? I do even really know how to do the math on that, but your brain processes visual information much quicker than the blink of an eye.
Our brain process information we hear a bit slower than what we see at 0.05 seconds which is half the time it takes to blink your eyes!
So what exactly does this mean? It means your brain processes what it believes your partner is doing or saying so quickly before it probably has all the information it needs to make an informed choice. Which really isn’t all bad except for how we decide to act on the information.
I see this lightning speed of processing what we see and hear and how we act in my office with couples quite often. If I am not quick to intervene, the couples can sometimes descend down into a rabbit hole of anger, frustration, and bitterness to an ultimately cold iciness.
Why does all of this happen? Lots of reasons. Here are some of the most common:
- Past experiences with our current partner. The longer you are together the more your brain will process what it believes to be true about your partner. It’s like you brain says, “yep seen and heard this before…and we know what is coming next.”
- Past experiences in past romantic relationships. Sometimes something our current partner does will remind of us something similar that a past partner has done.
- Childhood experiences and environment. There is a well known assessment called ACES which stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences and the more of these things that we have like divorce in our family, abuse, a parent going to jail, or several other issues can predict our difficulty in dealing with issues in our current relationships.
- Genetics and the hardwiring we are all born with can also impact how we view and see the world. It is still unclear exactly how much weighs heavier whether it be nature which is genetics that are passed down and the nuture piece which is affected by how we have been treated in relationships in our past.
- Finally, our own choices over time can impact what we do going forward. Sort of like our habits. The more we respond to something in a similar way, the more easy it becomes to keep responding in a similar way.
So then how do we deal with all that lays behind us when it comes to genetics, environment and our past choices. Let’s talk about some things you can to reduce your assumption making machine.
Hey are my suggestions:
- Take a breath before you respond. This will give you time to slow your thinking down.
- Instead of responding with an answer, a retort, or some defensive response, I would like you to respond with an open ended question. My favorite open ended question or really is more of a statement is something like, “Tell me more about that.” People usually eat that up especially when you say it with interest. It invites them to explain more while giving you more time to thing through your response.
- If you find yourself getting upset, Ask yourself what is triggering you.
- Call it out when you are getting irritated. Saying something like “I’m getting upset probably for some dumb reason, so hang in with me while I reel my brain back in.” As you are saying something like this you might realize that the reason you are mad at your partner’s desire to buy a new car is because you have a great anxiety over money for example.

How about what you think might help? I am sure you have some methods or maybe even some things you have done to help with making assumptions. Post those in The Remarried Life Facebook group! See the link below.

Remember the goal with watching your assumptions is not necessarily to change your partner and what they say and do. It is more to help you with your negative emotions and negative thoughts toward your partner.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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