The Remarried Life

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172: Using the Enneagram to Learn More About Yourself and Your Spouse Jan 05, 2021

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how learn more about you and your partners personality using the Enneagram Assessment tool. Learning more about how you and your partner are wired can only serve to help you both navigate how to deal with each other better. We will learn more about this tool on today’s show. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In all couples relationships, there are certain events we might both handle in similar ways and certain other issues we might handle completely different.
There are many reasons for this. This can include how we were raised by our caregivers growing up. It can also result from different experiences we have had in relationships. Or it can sometimes simply come from how we are wired from birth.
In order words personality is often a nature versus nurture debate. Mostly likely though both play a part but of course it can be difficult to determine which might be playing a role at which time.
Today we aren’t going to debate but more just a discussion of personality, similarities and differences. With that we will be look at a rather neat online assessment tool called the Enneagram that both you and your partner can take separately and then have a discussion about your dominant personality type and what it might mean for your relationship.
The Enneagram takes a look at 9 different personality types and they give a number to each one so that they are easier to remember. Here are the 9 and this comes right from the Enneagram Institute (see links in the Resources section below):
Reformer (Type 1) is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic.
Helper (Type 2) is generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive.
Achiever (Type 3) is adaptable, excelling, driven, and image-conscious.
Individualist (Type 4) is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.
Investigator (Type 5) is perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated.
Loyalist (Type 6) is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious.
Enthusiast (Type 7) is spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, and scattered.
Challenger (Type Eight) is self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.
Peacemaker (Type Nine) is receptive, reassuring, complacent, and resigned.

The Enneagram goes into much more detail also than just identifying your dominant type. It talks about “wings” meaning the two types that surround your main type as being at times when you might dip into some adjacent areas. On the Enneagram you will see the 9 types drawn around a circle and you can then better see and understand the adjacent types.
The Enneagram is divided into 3 centers. The Instinctive Center, the Feeling Center, and the Thinking Center.
The Enneagram also has 3 basic underlying and often unconscious emotions that can often be present in the personality types and they are as follows:
- Anger: Types 8,9, and 1.
- Shame: Types 2,3, and 4
- Fear: Types 5,6, and 7
Obviously a lot of very helpful information to dive into to again better understand yourself and your partner.
Now with all that being said, since this podcast is all about relationships and families we need to also discuss the interplay of two people and the different types of personalities.
There are definitely assets and liability with every combination, so we shouldn’t look at the Enneagram as some sort of compatibility test but more again just as a tool to better help us understand how we each may react and respond to various issues and events that come up.
My wife and I scored in very similar ways on the test. My main score was a Loyalist (Type 6) followed by Peacemaker (Type 9). My wife’s scores had the same two at the top just flipped, so her top was the Peacemaker (Type 9) followed by the Loyalist (Type 6).
According to the Enneagram Relationship Type page it says that our relationship is one of the most stable and most common type relationships. We both want security (6) and predictability (6) and some autonomy (9).
It also says that these personality types more so than the others look for another person that matches their belief system and one who will mirror these beliefs and reactions.
So take a look at the couples match page on the Enneagram website (link in the resources section) after you both take the Enneagram to determine how your puzzle pieces fit.
Now as with every kind of assessment it will often slot into a certain category and you might often feel like there are certain parts of the results or at least ways that the institute defines you that you may disagree with.
For example in my own relationship the institute says that we each may have a rebellious or counterculture streak that allow them to “live on the fringes of society.” Now I can certainly think of times in which both my spouse and I have been rebellious but I don’t think of either of us as living on the fringe of society.
So overall I would highly recommend that you both take the Enneagram to better understand yourself and each other. It is very inexpensive at the time of this recording for you each to take the assessment.
Once you get your results, I would love to see you post about it in our Facebook group. The link for the group is contained below in the “Thanks for Listening” section.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

171: Keeping the Positive Perspective in Your Blended Family: Part 3 – Making and Recognizing Attempts Dec 29, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family. Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family. In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today in part 3 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we the attempts we make at emotionally connecting with each other.
In most couples relationships, there is a dynamic present called Pursuer Withdrawer. The Pursuer is usually the one in the relationship that brings up issues and complaints more often. The Withdrawer is the one that usually defends, deflects, or shuts down amid these complaints.
As you can imagine a very negative cycle of feelings can generate as a result of this dynamic thus reducing this positivity we are trying to work hard to generate in your relationship and your blended family.
So what do we do here. Well lets start with you Pursuers out there.
For Pursuers you should cherish when your Withdrawing partner does make an attempt to do something that you have been asking for. It is certainly easy to focus on the times your partner doesn’t come through for you, but appreciation when something is done positively can have a, well positive effect.
For Withdrawers, you simply need to make more attempts and do a little more of what your Pursuer partner is asking for. Now of course if it is presented in the form of a criticism then of course that can be difficult to overcome. A quick discussion about delivering something in a different way can help.
If you both can do those simple things when it comes to attempts it can certainly help with the positive feelings.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

170: Keeping the Positive Perspective in Your Blended Family: Part 2 – Accepting Influence Dec 22, 2020

Show notes

Today's Goodies

Today in part 2 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on accepting more influence from our partner.
John Gottman a very well known couples and relationship researcher, discovered that the more influence each person allowed the other to exert in the relationship the happier that relationship usually is.
So what does it mean to allow your partner to have some influence.
Maybe on a Saturday if nothing is planned and your partner has some ideas about what to do, accepting influence means starting with a more positive response and attempting to go more often with what your partner wants.
So if your spouse says they really want to go antique shopping and want you to go along, accepting influence would mean that you would do your best to make this happen.
Gottman says that relationships in which men allow women to exert more influence, are generally happier than those that are the other way around. He says that women typically will allow influence of their male partners almost by nature. But he says men typically are not wired this way.
So I would encourage both of you but maybe the men more often to allow partners to have influence when it comes to decision making both small and large.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

169: Keeping the Positive Perspective in Your Blended Family: Part 1 – Live Your Values Dec 15, 2020

Show notes

Today's Goodies

Today in part one of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on living out and making decisions through the lens of our core values.
Often when our internal compass aligns with what happens on the outside whether again it be with our view on the most important things in life or how we make decisions, we can often feel more joy.
So what are core values? Most would say they are fundamental beliefs or guiding principles.
Get in touch with your core values by doing a simple search on the internet for a list of common core values. Then take some time find 3-5 that really speak to you and that help you understand how you would like to live your life.
Next determine if your decision making is aligned with those values. If it is not then think about ways to start doing more of that. Now of course you won’t be able to 100% of the time make decisions that will align, but the more you can do it the better
As a fun exercise between partners, I would encourage you each to find the core value that speaks most to each of you. Then role play a discussion on one of you maintaining your core value while the other has to give up their core value.
Then discuss how the conversation went. You can learn a lot about each other by doing something like that.
Again though getting in touch more with your core values and even your partners core values can help maintain more positivity. You might even want to get the kids involved in the core value discussion.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

168: Do Something Your Stepchild Will Remember Forever Dec 08, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses how as stepparents that we too can also do things that the stepchildren will remember for a lifetime. These things can generate positive feelings in the future for your stepchildren. Hard to do because it may seem like they don’t like you now, but often that turns around in adulthood. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Often as a stepparent, I hear others say things like “I don’t matter” or “I feel like an outsider” or “The kids don’t listen to me.” No doubt these are real and valid feelings and sometimes actually going on in a family dynamic.
Being a stepparent is often like coming into a well established television show where one actor left for various reasons and another was brought in to actually play the same character. Most often are initial reactions are more negative.
We build an affinity for those we know and trust. But over time those feelings can fade somewhat as we begin to develop new thought and feelings toward our relationship with others.
A silly little example this involved the show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” which starred Will Smith. The show lasted for about 6 years. Vivian Banks was played in the first 3 seasons by Janet Hubert and the last 3 by Daphne Maxwell Reid. Of course when the switch came it upset many viewers me included, but as the change matured an affinity developed for Daphne as the new mom by many.
In the same way, a stepfamily can often develop in the same way. However, we would like to propose that we do a bit more to nudge us in that direction but with a major focus on your stepchild’s future as an adult and the memories that are created as a child.
In my own experience there were a few childhood memories that really stand out that if I am honest probably were pushed more by my stepmother than my father. These really stand out as positive memories now.
The first memory is that Christmas ornaments were bought every year for each child and our names were etched on each. I still have these ornaments today and proudly hang them on the tree.
A second memory involves getting a T-shirt every year for my birthday with a number that represented my age. I remember receiving these around ages 6-13 or so. I still remember the number 7 shirt, was green with a white number.
There is something about things that are done with repetition that can hold some significant deep meaning in our lives. Do something once and the memory often doesn’t hold.
Do something more than once but randomly, often the memory will hold but the meaning and the deep emotional connection won’t happen.
Do something repeatedly with regularity aligned with a certain like say every Friday or every birthday or every morning and then the memory not only holds, but it can create a positive emotion which will cement the significance even further.
So all that being said what are some ideas for some things you can do to help your stepchild look back fondly on a tradition and maybe even implement this same tradition in their lives as adults.
Here are some suggestions:
- Every morning, spend 5 minutes asking your child about their day including what they are excited about and anything they are anxious about.
- Once a week do a game night or a fun food night. Try as best you can to make this a regular thing. If once a week is too much, then maybe once every 2 weeks or once a month.
- A small token like a Christmas ornament with a name inscribed or the T-shirt with age on it as was done in my childhood. Or really any other small material tangible item that a child might be able to have for awhile or even years.
- Read to your child regularly and once they can read to you have them do it.
- Do something for someone in need. Say every Thanksgiving, prepare a meal for a family that might not have what you have. Make sure to involve the kids in the planning and delivery of the meal.
- What ideas do you have?
- What ideas do your stepkids have?
Creating lasting positive memories is way that you can ensure that tough times now will be viewed through a different lens as the stepchildren get older.
A lasting legacy can start with some small changes today in your stepfamily. What will you do?

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

167: His Needs - Respect Dec 01, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses her needs and his needs in this two part series. It is true that often women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected. But what do those two things actually mean. We will talk about this today so that you can start giving more of what your spouse really needs in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

It is often said that a woman’s biggest need in a relationship is love and a man’s biggest need in a relationship is respect. So for purposes of our two part series on this subject, we are going to go with the premises that this true.
The funny thing is though that it sometimes is hard to give one when we are not receiving the other. So if a man does not feel respect he probably won’t love and if a woman does not feel loved she probably won’t show respect.
In today’s episode, we will be spending time with the females and talking about this love need.
This love and respect need is detailed in a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs if you want to read more on that.
Apparently the backbone of the books premise was created by asking the following question to both men and women. “What would you choose, to be left alone and unloved or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”
Most women said they would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than to be left alone and unloved.
So as you know I always like to return to the dictionary to understand what is love. Love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” Alone means “that one one else is present.”
It is hard to know from where this deep sense that love is more important to a woman. Is it something that is hard wired in? Is it something that has developed over time through the centuries? That is certainly a hard question to answer but most likely the answer probably is both.
Let’s talk about some of the ways women feel loved the most in a relationship. So men may need to listen up here!
- Showing Love through words, touch, or actions. This is different for different women and so identifying which one is critical.
- Feeling safe. This is another very important way in which a women may feel love. The safety not only means safe from criminals or people that might hurt her, but safe to be vulnerable and open without fear. It can also mean feeling safe in a loyal monogamous relationship whether there is no other romantic partner. It can also mean safe from alcohol, drug abuse or domestic violence.
- Feeling Like An Equal. This one can be tough for men because sometimes men want to make decisions and be responsible for them. But this can sometimes come across as controlling.
- Feeling Appreciated. She wants to be appreciated for the things she does for her husband and family. All too often men can get complacent and feel like there does not have to be thanks given for everyday things that a women does.
- Being There for Her. This can mean listening when she is venting. It means sometimes dropping what you are doing to go do something with her that she finds important.
- Being Vulnerable for Her. This one can also be difficult for men in that we can often want to play Superman because we feel like if we aren’t seen as perfect then we don’t measure up. But generally the opposite is true in that imperfection, often endears us to our partner.
We hope that this gives some ideas on what would help a woman feel loved and I am sure for the women listening today there are probably items on the list you might disagree with or even others that you would want to add.

Resources:

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

166: Her Needs - Love Nov 24, 2020

Show notes

Today's Goodies

It is often said that a woman’s biggest need in a relationship is love and a man’s biggest need in a relationship is respect. So for purposes of our two part series on this subject, we are going to go with the premises that this true.
The funny thing is though that it sometimes is hard to give one when we are not receiving the other. So if a man does not feel respect he probably won’t love and if a woman does not feel loved she probably won’t show respect.
In today’s episode, we will be spending time with the females and talking about this love need.
This love and respect need is detailed in a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs if you want to read more on that.
Apparently the backbone of the books premise was created by asking the following question to both men and women. “What would you choose, to be left alone and unloved or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”
Most women said they would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than to be left alone and unloved.
So as you know I always like to return to the dictionary to understand what is love. Love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” Alone means “that one one else is present.”
It is hard to know from where this deep sense that love is more important to a woman. Is it something that is hard wired in? Is it something that has developed over time through the centuries? That is certainly a hard question to answer but most likely the answer probably is both.
Let’s talk about some of the ways women feel loved the most in a relationship. So men may need to listen up here!
- Showing Love through words, touch, or actions. This is different for different women and so identifying which one is critical.
- Feeling safe. This is another very important way in which a women may feel love. The safety not only means safe from criminals or people that might hurt her, but safe to be vulnerable and open without fear. It can also mean feeling safe in a loyal monogamous relationship whether there is no other romantic partner. It can also mean safe from alcohol, drug abuse or domestic violence.
- Feeling Like An Equal. This one can be tough for men because sometimes men want to make decisions and be responsible for them. But this can sometimes come across as controlling.
- Feeling Appreciated. She wants to be appreciated for the things she does for her husband and family. All too often men can get complacent and feel like there does not have to be thanks given for everyday things that a women does.
- Being There for Her. This can mean listening when she is venting. It means sometimes dropping what you are doing to go do something with her that she finds important.
- Being Vulnerable for Her. This one can also be difficult for men in that we can often want to play Superman because we feel like if we aren’t seen as perfect then we don’t measure up. But generally the opposite is true in that imperfection, often endears us to our partner.
We hope that this gives some ideas on what would help a woman feel loved and I am sure for the women listening today there are probably items on the list you might disagree with or even others that you would want to add.

Resources:

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

165: A Time For Healing Nov 17, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses how hurt, hate and wounds can create division in a family and in a society. We will talk about this and also some things we can do as individuals to help heal past relationships, current family situations, and maybe help society as a whole in the process. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

With divorce and blending a new family, there often times comes a lot of hurt, pain and upset over situations progressing in a way that is counter to what we had hoped it could or can be.
All sorts of emotions like sadness, fear, anger, shock just to name a few can often overwhelm us and cause us to make decisions and do things that often worsen the situation.
As I have mentioned I dealt with a lot of fear over the unknown when going through my divorce and that translated to a lot of anger unfortunately. Often my words deepened the pain that we were all going through.
So wounds were obviously created by actions we both took but I will take responsibility to say that I know that I played a large role in probably widening the wounds.
The good thing though about wounds is that they can heal. If we think about the body, immediately after surgery the mechanisms of the body will begin to heal itself. Things like swelling we often think as bad, is actually a good thing because it is a sign that the body is working to heal what has just happened to it.
In the same way we can often do things like hide or close off to protect ourselves from the pain of emotional hurt. Just like swelling in the body, this is probably good for a time. However, if it lingers for longer than necessary then it becomes an issue.
When pain and hurt linger for a long time (and what that time is we don’t really know), it is time to start to deal with it to move forward.
Obviously when pain and hurt involve two people it is so much the better that they come together to work on healing together. Unfortunately, in our society we are not seeing much of that right now. Actions being taken in so many areas never seem to be taken responsibility for to mend fences.
We will talk about some simple things you can do today to help mend something between you and maybe your ex-spouse, your current spouse, or maybe a child that has caused an emotional separation.

How about simply say you are sorry for even a small part of the issue. This is tough for some people especially those that grew never having it modeled. Or sometimes it is difficult because some people feel even worse about themselves when they say this and so they will avoid it.
Listen to the pain you may have caused.
Have a LOVE conversation. I am not sure who coined this phrase, but each letter represents something important. Listen with an Open Heart, Validate at least some of the other person’s experience, and Empathize with how they are feeling.
Work on any anger, resentment and bitterness that has developed within yourself. If you are a Christian, then pray for it to be released by God. If you practice some other form of religion where you believe in something outside of yourself then certainly pray for it to be released.
Ask for Forgiveness. This simply means you are asking for the other person to stop holding the issue against you with negative thoughts of their own. Now a caveat here, is you may hear back that you are not forgiven and if that happens this is now their burden to bear.

Healing does take time, but it is possible. But in order to do that we must stop doing what we have always done.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

164: Do You Support Each Other's Goals? Nov 10, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer discusses individual goals that you each may have and whether or not you feel supported in those goals. Sometimes goals don’t align very well but if we can be respectful of each other in the process of discussing these goals then all the more better. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Everyone has goals in life and even if you say you don’t, you actually really do. If you say you want things to just remain as they are then that of course is actually a goal!
So what is a goal? Well the dictionary defines a goal as “the end toward which effort is directed.” Sometimes we are consciously attempting to move toward something and sometimes we are directing effort with an end goal in mind.
I remember when I ran my one and only marathon a few years ago. The goal was to run the marathon in under 4 hours. Most people said that really if it is your first marathon to simply focus on finishing and to not worry about the time. Well according to the app tracker I had on my smart phone, I beat 4 hours by 30 seconds! However, when the official time later came out it had me posted at 4 hours and 14 seconds. I was so close!
Even though I did not meet that goal, it was so much fun and kept me on track to continue to do the training runs so that I could meet that goal of being under 4 hours.
Another goal I set during my first marriage was to be married for the rest of my life and to not get divorced. I remember silently speaking this wish over my daughter. I grew up in a divorced home and so did not want this for my daughter.
However, when it came to achieving this goal as I look back both my ex-wife and I were probably not pushing effort in this direction. There were probably times where we paddling in a different direction and then other times where we certainly not paddling at all.
So that being said in that marriage, our goals were really not aligned properly. Looking back now that I have had 20+ years to think about it, I am actually at a place where I am happy that we got divorced. But this was not so for probably 5 years after it happened.
Do you and you partner have goals that align? Here are some questions you can ask yourself and each other to determine just where you are with supporting each other’s goals.

Do you know what you personal goals are?
Does your partner even know what you personal goals are away from your relationship?
Does your partner honor your personal goals? This doesn’t necessarily mean they agree but is he/she open to hearing them and attempting to support as best they can.
Does your partner value your current accomplishments? This can be a key to knowing if future aspirations are?
If you were to look out ahead into your old age, would you be able to say that your paths in life were on a similar path?
What about important beliefs be it money, spirituality, parenting, we time versus me time? Where do you align on these?
Are you currently coming toward each other on important issues, running parallel or even drifting further apart?

After having asked and answered questions like this about yourself, where do you stand? Does the picture look pretty good or does it need some work?
Lets talk about some things you can do to help you better talk about goals.

Postpone your disagreement about a goal until you fully hear what is being said. Be curious and continue to draw out in your partner what is important and why it might be important? If you must, before having this conversation, you might want to even verbalize that it is possible you might disagree, but you are holding off on that.
When hearing a goal, keep the mindset of being to open to helping see how this can be achieved. In other words come at this from a positive perspective to start. Sometimes when we immediately shoot our partner’s idea down, a slippery slope of less sharing and even sharing with others might start. I once worked with a couple where the female said that she could not share everything with her husband and that is what other friends and a therapist was for.
Have a core values discussion? Determining what core values are important to each other like for example independence, freedom, security, stability or any of a number of other values might help each of you know what is important.
What things does your goal have in common with my goals?
What things about your goal might go against a goal of mine?
What would the impact on your relationship be if a goal were met? Would it be positive to one or both of us, would it be positive toward the relationship?

Obviously kind, caring, gentle, respectful communication is the key.
Just remember that you aren’t giving a green light to a goal by simply being curious and attempting to understand, but by delaying your response you are giving an opportunity for a relationship to grow.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

163: Are You a Politically Mismatched Couple? Oct 27, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about times have changed where the politics of the day have become much about how much hate and venom we can spew at one another. The political mismatch and the passion that flows from it can also be present in our homes. Are you and your spouse politically mismatched? Let’s talk about this today and some ways to handle keeping the powder keg from exploding. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Elections happen all the time and what better time can we talk about politics and the effect on your relationship with your spouse than now.
Many couples are politically on the same side of the aisle, but many more than we often think are on opposite sides of many of the issues. Where do you and your spouse stand? Same side on many issues, same side and some but not all issues, or on completely different sides.
Not sure where I heard this, but up to 40% of all couples are apparently politically mismatched. That is a lot! Are you one of those couples?
Maybe you are a couple that completely agrees on most issues, maybe you disagree on some or maybe you disagree on most.
If you disagree on most you are definitely not alone. If you do disagree on most, are you a couple that gets along through the disagreements or not?
If you don’t get along through, you might wonder who that is possible. Well probably the most famous politically divided couple are James Carville and Mary Matalin. But again how do they do it. Carville once said that loving his wife is more important than politics. Not sure exactly how that plays in their relationship but have to assume they keep the arguing in check.
So how does it work for the two of you? Do you get heated when it comes to politics? Are you both so passionate that you just want to be heard but aren’t? What do you do about it?
We have some thoughts about that today. If you have listened to the podcast for any length of time you know that we focus on the process and not so much the outcome and today is no different.

Ask if Your Partner is open to hearing something you are passionate about first
Speak to Share and not to Persuade
Listen to Understand and Not Respond
Watch Your Tone and Body Language
Try as best you can to understand that there could be another way, but at the end of the day that does mean that you have to change your position
Ask each other when these opinions developed. Was it childhood? Was it because of a specific life event that shaped your belief?
Be careful not to interrupt which is of course not modeled politically
Also be careful not to shut down
Don’t go on and on and on, otherwise you could be inviting an interruption or a shutdown.

Ultimately it isn’t about solving these disagreements, but more just being careful with how you approach and talk about these heated topics with your spouse.

Resources:

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