The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

162: Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House Oct 20, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes. However, we can often find this doesn’t really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated. We will talk about this all too common issue in the life of divorced and blended families. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

No doubt we all want what’s best for our kids. And we work to make that happen in our own homes. Whether it be to set appropriate bedtimes, fix nutritious meals, keep set homework versus times to have fun and play, chores for the kids to do, and a lot of other things.

Your home might run like a well oiled machine and that’s great. But like most maybe it runs pretty well but has its snags. But ultimately, you believe you provide the best environment possible for your kids.

But what do you do when you truly believe your ex-spouse does not run their household in the healthiest manner possible for your kids.

No doubt for most of us, this issue has come up either with very small things or could be that you are just completely at odds over the entire way in which your spouse runs their home. So what do you do?

Let’s talk today about some things to keep in mind when it comes to this difference of opinion on how the homes are managed.

Are you disagreeing because of any unresolved anger over the relationship?

Notice your triggers. Are the issues over something especially triggering for you? For example, let’s say growing up as a child you were overweight because of the types of food that were served in your home? If you start to notice a similar pattern in your ex-spouse house, this could cause an inflated response.

Is anything illegal going on? Is there a situation where substance abuse or neglect because your ex-spouse is going out and leaving young children at home alone.

In our new COVID world is there a difference in how the kids see others.

Is it a few issues or a lot? Are we talking just a minor issue with bedtime or again is it everything that is at odds with how you might handle.

What Should You Do?

First dig within yourself to understand if there are truly issues or if your anger is getting the best of you.
Have a gentle conversation with your ex-spouse. Point out these are differences and you wonder if the two of you might be able to come to consistency with the kids.
As you are having these conversations, ultimately explain to your spouse that realize you both run things differently and understand if compromise cannot happen.
Could you actually change the way you do something? Maybe you are the more rigid or loose with rules and maybe you could switch?
Talk to the kids about the impact of the differences? Hopefully approaching it from the standpoint where everyone has a say can be helpful.
Finally and actually this should be the first thing, but if something illegal is happening, then the police and the law should of course be brought in.

Obviously a tough subject and there may not be a completely best or right answer, but hope that some of these things we have talked about can help you to navigate this sensitive topic.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

161: Remarriage and Mental Health Oct 13, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how mental health can affect you, your partner, and your family. We dive a bit deep into the struggles that relationship coach Emily Hill had in this area. Most importantly we will talk about how to cope and actually work through dark times. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Relationship Coach Emily Hill lives in Clarksville TN and has always had a huge interest in families and having a great marriage. Her most recent project was publicly writing or videoing about her marriage for 150 days straight, which was definitely an eye-opener! She says she is so grateful for her family, and that she loves the many things her husband does for her and her kids. She’s realized that marriage is easier and easier, and a lot more fun, the more she learns to take personal responsibility for her own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Today we will talk about the following topics:
- Emily tells us a bit about herself and background.
- Emily talks about her mental health struggles.
- What issue did having PPD, Bipolar, PTSD, and ADHD cause for you individually, your partner, your kids?
- What did you do individually to cope with these while having to keep up with marriage, kids, and everything else?
- What did you husband do that was particularly supportive?
- What things did you do that did not work?
- What things did you husband do that were not helpful?
- Advice for those listening that are struggling with mental health issues.
- Advice for partners of those struggling with mental health issues.
- Where best can people reach you and/or is there something you want to people to know about?

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week Oct 06, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn’t produce the result we want in our blended family. So let’s take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week. Let’s call it an experiment. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When we are remarried and in blended families everything doesn’t go right all the time and in fact sometimes it’s the same things that don’t go well over and over again that are the most troublesome.
But we get into a rut or we just remain unaware that our actions aren’t producing anything different. We all do this and yes of course I do this too.
For example maybe getting angry over and over again at the kids for not knowing how to do something happens all the time.
Or maybe in a fight or argument with your spouse, you tend to keep pushing because your spouse shuts down and won’t talk.
Or how about you clam up around your spouse’s family because they upset you. Then when you are alone you get upset at your spouse for not sticking up for you.
These three situations I just described are situations that possibly keep occurring over and over again. The results can tend to be the same. Hurt feelings, disconnection and a further drift away from the family you want and hope for.
So what do we do? Well let’s take a look at a couple of people who thought that doing different might work better.
- Albert Einstein is often credited with coining the phrase, “Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”
- Remember the television show Seinfeld? Remember the episode where George decided to do the opposite? George could never seem to get the girl by inflating his situation to be better than it seemed. For example, he would talk about how much money he made, what kind of wonderful job he had, or the beautiful apartment he had only to have women shrug him off. However, when he was honest and told them he was jobless and living in his parent’s basement, then women started to take notice.
- A couples researcher named Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy did the opposite of what many of the people who came before or even her peers did. She focused on emotional connection rather than behaviors that one must perform. Most laughed at her, but now her theory to help couples has been proven in research to work the best.
These are really just a few examples of people that said things differently or acted differently to achieve some different results.
I would like for one week to take a look at everything we are doing in our remarriage and blended family. Assess those things that you do over and over again that don’t work too well. And let’s think about doing the opposite.
Now let’s only take 3 things at the very most. We can’t change everything over night and if we tried we would all fail. So I want you to concentrate on only a few things.
Step 1: Get out a piece of paper and write down every area that you can think of that is not going how you would like it in your blended family.
Step 2: Assess the urgent areas and the areas that you think you can change rather quickly and easily.
Step 3: Work to hone the list down to 3 areas that you would like to focus on.
Step 4: Think about the role you play or the actions you perform in this situation that might have an impact on what result happens.
Step 5: Brainstorm some actions that are the OPPOSITE of what you normally do.
Step 6: Pick one of those different actions to try for the week.
Step 7: Assess your progress in the middle of the week. Are you noticing a difference in how you are feeling? How your spouse or kids are feeling? Are the results any different?
Step 8: Keep doing the same action and don’t give up just yet and maybe don’t worry about tweaking. Sometimes we try something for a brief period and think it doesn’t work so we give up. Don’t do this!
Step 9: Assess at the end of one week. How is it now? I would even resist the temptation to change at the end of one week and to keep doing it differently if you can.
Step 10: At some point reveal to your spouse or kids that you were trying something different and ask them if they noticed? Hopefully they did notice and if not don’t give up to continue to do something different.
I hope this episode gives you some practical tips to help to change the air or dynamic in your remarried life for the better.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else? Sep 29, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don’t love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When you first meet someone that you are physically attracted to, conversation goes well, and you find many things in common, all sorts of feel good hormones start to activate.
Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins have long been studied and been found to be released that promote feelings of pleasure and happiness. It also affects bodily processes like heart rate and digestion.
I am pretty sure this is what was going during the initial stages of my relationship with my wife when we kissed. We were at the park and I kind of got lost in a kiss and forgot that we were around others. My wife who was my girlfriend at the time, stopped us at some point and said you know we had better stop because there are kids around.
Honestly just before that moment again I became so unaware of my surroundings. It was as if those feel good hormones were racing around so much that it dulled any sense of anxiety or worry about what was going on around me.
Obviously as I sort of snapped back to reality, I realized what was going on around me and resisted.
This was certainly a time no doubt that you could say that I was deep in love with my wife. Now it could be argued that this maybe was also a period of lust as well. Because truth be told, those kisses and touches in the early stages are usually about feeling like we are first getting our wants met and then secondarily meeting the wants of our partner.
Now something certainly does change over time and we begin to not feel the feel good hormones racing around like we once did. Why do these feel good hormones slow or even stop? This is complicated and there are many reasons:
- Issues such as menopause. There is some research that says that both men and women go through something like this. Of course for women, it is well documented.
- Pregnancy can cause fluctuations in hormones and change what feels good. It is the body’s way of sending resources to other places.
- Alcohol or substance use and abuse can certainly cause wide fluctuations. Sometimes they can increase but most often settle back or often dim down completely. This is of course why it can take more and more of the alcohol or substance to get to the desired effect.
- Age in general can cause the systems to change.
- Significantly distressing negative events in our life. If we have had some negative events like a divorce, or loss of job, bankruptcy etc can rob us of a general happiness.
- Things like Anxiety and Depression can again dim or happiness. Sometimes those with depression often describe seeing the world through darkly tinted glasses that they cannot take off.
- The love of our spouse has moved from that sort of lustful limerence into a deeper more committed type love. This type of love helps us stay connected for the long haul, but often we confuse this with falling out of love.
So what if after talking through all of this, you still believe that you truly have fallen out of love with your spouse? It is certainly possible because really does anyone truly and completely understand love and what it is?
Just like the brain, just like microscopic creatures in the depths of the oceans, just like distant black holes in the outer reaches of the galaxy, no one really fully understands what love really is.
So all this being said here are some things I want you to do if you are unclear about whether falling out of love is truly happening or is it something else.
- Go to the doctor to rule out any medical issues that could be affecting your mood. Could it be some issue with your thyroid, could it be headaches causing you to feel unusually blue. Is it depression or anxiety?
- Talk to your spouse. Many cringe at this idea for fear that once “I let the cat out of the bag”, will my spouse have a different view of me thus changing our relationship forever? Most of the time this does not happen and it creates a greater intimacy but in the short term it can certainly be a bit bumpy. On rare occasions, yes it may cause some more permanent upset. Just weigh out where you in the process of understanding your feelings.
- You and your partner should be patient and do not make any rash decisions. Remember, it probably took awhile for you to feel this way and it will probably take awhile to sort out exactly what is going on.
If you or your spouse are in this place, please work to hopefully give each other lots of grace. It’s not easy being human and we will often in our lifetime have ebbs and flows to our feelings.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids? Sep 22, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don’t want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change. Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do? We will talk about this important subject for blended families today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Are you unhappy in your marriage? I am not sure what the reason for that is and there are certainly many. It could be that you are tired of not being considered a priority. Maybe on the other end you feel like you can never live up to what your spouse needs? It is possibly the constant arguments that escalate over silly things? The stepkids won’t listen and you aren’t on the same page parenting with your spouse.
It is clear to all of us that being in a blended family is not easy and the reasons for that are varied and complex.
However, when it comes to a tipping point and you start to think about leaving this is when it gets serious and we need to look at what are the reasons you have not left.
Whenever I ask one partner in a relationship what keeps them in the relationship, my hope is that I hear things like “in spite of the differences and chaos, I still love my spouse.” Again that is what I hope to hear.
All too often, the response I hear is “I am only staying for the kids.” I both love and hate this reason and this response. I love it because it means you aren’t darting immediate out the door to great regret. But ultimately I don’t like this response, because in my opinion if this is truly the only reason then you need to seriously look at what is going on for you.
Let’s talk about some of things to explore and think about if this is the place you find yourself in.
- Do you say you are only staying for the kids when you are angry or is it truly in times when you are calm? If you say it in anger, then you must let that emotion subside in order to really think clearly about why it is you stay?
- So in addition to looking at the reasons as to why you stay, let’s look at the reasons for not leaving? Is there fear? I often hear of these fears:
- - Fear of financial burden in being single with all these kids?
  - Fear of how your current spouse will treat you?
  - What would everyone else think about me?
  - Doesn’t society say there are too many broken families and you need to do what you can to keep the family intact?
  - Doesn’t the Bible only give a couple of reasons like infidelity, abuse, or abandonment as reasons for leaving your spouse?
  - Fear of feeling like another failure again because this has happened before.
  - Adding another divorce is going to make the kids situation of coming and going even more complicated.
  - Maybe you have developed a solid loving relationship with the stepkids and you don’t want to upset them.
Obviously so many reasons if we dig under the surface as to why you might be staying and these are all based on fear. Fear of the unknown is certainly real, and you ultimately have to make the best decision for yourself. But let’s talk about the kids for a moment.
Again if we circle back to staying for the kids sake. We have to take a deep look and say okay is it better to have the kids be in a home with two parental figures that are unhappy with each other. Yes, on the surface there is a sort of logistical stability. But the other piece we need to look at is emotional stability.
Kids even young ones are probably smarter and see more than we give them credit for. They tend to know when things are not right. You don’t want them in a therapist office dealing with some depression or anxiety because they were in a dysfunctional family system.
So what are some things you should do before you get to the decision of whether to stay or go?
- First and foremost hopefully you can have an honest and calm discussion with your spouse about where you stand in the relationship.
- Talk about the things that are not working in your relationship. Is there are possibility you each could pour in 3-6 months of work to improve them before making the decision on the future?
- Do some inner work to understand if people pleasing is at the core of your inability to make a decision. Again, what does God think, what does society think, what would my close circle of people think? You must make the best decision for you.
- Talk to people in your life on both sides of the issues. Those that have made it work and those that have move on despite their fears to get a balanced look at what to do.
- Look for a therapist that does something called Divorce Discernment counseling which is a very specialized short term counseling to help each of you come to a better decision about the right thing to do.
- As always make sure when it comes time to talk to the kids, that you explain that the issues are not their fault and that the two of you love them very much and will make the best lives you can for them again if you decide to part.
This is not an easy decision for sure and ultimately you will have to wrestle with this yourself, but just now that kids are resilient and will make their best way forward if you remain a consistent loving and encouraging presence in their lives no matter what happens.
Tough time and tough subject. Go get an ice cream of sweet coffee and please have a great rest of your day 😊.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Sep 15, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. As with everything in the blended family universe this is not simple. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

As we know, marriages often times end with lots of anger and sadness that may dissolve into bitterness and resentment until hopeful those fade into some more neutral or even something more positive.
For some people it never gets there and we all know of stories of people who are angered and bitter for years and even decades over a divorce.
However, there are some of us who from the start have an amicable divorce and much more friendly feelings toward each other after the divorce.
And for others it may start out as anger, but may eventually go into a more friendly feeling down the road.
But what if it goes beyond just positive feelings into a friendship in which each of you actively desire to stay in each other’s lives by doing things together.
As you can imagine while this can be such a great thing it is also fraught with complications as you might suspect.
Now what exactly is a friend? Well the dictionary defines it as “a person whom one knows and with whom one had a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”
Now for me I take friends one step further in that it goes beyond feelings. In that friends usually do things together. So this means activities potentially away from or maybe even including your current family dynamic.
Now of course there is nothing inherently wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex-spouse where you remain in each other’s lives beyond simply discussing finances or exchanging the kids.
There are some things to consider and that is what we will discuss now:
- Are you maintaining a friendship from a place of guilt? Did you do something to cause the demise of the relationship and have trouble letting your partner completely hit bottom?
- Are you maintaining a friendship in hopes that maybe something will reignite between the two of you?
- Do you have an ulterior motive like you want to stay friends, because you think there is a better chance of getting child support or buy-in about other decisions?
- If you and and your ex-spouse are not dating others, what might happen if you do start dating? Would you end the friendship or discuss with your new partner to help in the decision?
- If you are dating someone else have you discussed the friendship you still have with your ex-spouse?
- If you are planning to remarry, have you discussed this and how it will work moving forward. What does you future spouse think about this?
- Let’s say you are currently remarried and the anger subsides toward your spouse and you both talk about a possible friendship. What does your current spouse think about this?
- Have you talked to the kids especially if they are older? The younger they are as you know the harder it may be to completely understand and give feedback. So it is possible younger children may be confused especially if you are still doing things together as a family unit. This is not wrong for them to be exposed, but just something to think about.
- If everyone is on board with this friendship, what are the boundaries? Can you both do things alone? Do the current partners/and or kids need to be involved?
- Really think about how a friendship that has already started will affect everyone involved.
As you can tell, a lot of this is about communication. Communicate, communicate, communicate! And slow down to really take everyone’s feelings and thoughts on the matter into consideration.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage Sep 08, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality. We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way. Not giving validity to our partner’s experience can often cause issues. Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Have you ever gotten into an argument with your spouse over an event that happened, each stating your case only to be unheard because your partner had another story about what happened?
No doubt this is extremely common and happens in every relationship to some degree or another.
This can happen with very mild events for example over the way you saw another couple interacting with each other. One of you might say you saw the couple arguing and the other might say you saw simple dialogue that lacked conflict.
Maybe you see at a dinner party, someone give a strange glance. One of you might point out the odd glance, where your partner might say they were also watching and saw nothing.
These differences are going happen and are usually not the source of difficulty but it can become such when one or both of you become very rigid that yours in the only way to see something.
There is also something at play called The Rashomon effect. This is described as the unreliability of eyewitness accounts to something that has been seen. It is often talked about in conjunction with people describing a crime that they witness especially when it comes to details about the perpetrator or the details of what happened.
Stories of one person describing the criminal as short, bearded and wearing a red jacket versus someone tall, clean shaven and wearing a black shirt with no jacket are very common.
Ever heard of the parable of “Blind Men and the Elephant”? Each blind man touches a single part of the large elephant and the describes what they think the elephant is like. One man who is touch the fuzzy end of the tail describes it as a mouse, the man touching the ear describes that elephant like a fan, the man touching a leg says the elephant is like a tree trunk, the man touching the tusk might say it is like a snake.
So then the question becomes, who is right? Well in some ways they are all right and yet all wrong. They are right in connecting their very limited touch of an elephant to something that makes complete sense, but in other aspects they are completely wrong because the small piece that they touched is not the totality of what an elephant is.
This dynamic is certainly at play in our most beloved relationship and that is the dating or married relationship. The longer we are together the more often we are going to run into the scenarios. So why do these differences occur?
- Our past including what we went through as a child
- Our personality which is how we have been wired at birth
- The state of our current relationships which is more about just our present experiences or those things that are top of mind.
So what do we do with these differences? Here are some suggestions:
- Maybe the most important thing is to DO NOTHING. Let me explain. What I mean here is to simply let these differences exist and not work so hard to have to change them. There are some exceptions to this doing nothing which I will explain in a moment.
- Be open minded to another way. You don’t know everything. The only one who does is God.
- Slow down and investigate the other side that you are being presented. We often don’t do a very good job in slowing down to hear what another side because we are too busy thinking about how we might respond to someone else.
- Watch the harshness of tone or edge in your voice when talking about an issue. It is often unseen but changes in your physiology can become like a magnet for drawing your partner into escalating by matching your intensity.
Now let’s talk about some exceptions and things to do:
- Do you feel like you are being emotionally abused through things like pathological lying or narcissism? If you are then you should not have to continue to simply accept the other person’s point of view if they are saying you are crazy or out of your mind?
- If this is the case, then you should really take stock of your relationship and decide on some boundaries such as “I won’t accept that behavior any longer and if it continues it may mean our relationship will end.” Obviously complicated and not easy.
I hope this has been helpful in understanding some different perspectives and how to be more accepting of those.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse Sep 01, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how in this emotionally charged time we live in, how we can best handle differences in beliefs and feelings on the COVID-19 pandemic that could affect our children. This can be extremely difficult to work through especially if you both have rigid beliefs about the best way to handle these issues. We will talk today about this issue and give some practical help in this area. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The current pandemic we are faced with has not been easy for any of us. Most of us are very used to having a lot of control in our lives and this time has certainly shown us all that not having complete control is something that has become a new normal.
However, for us in blended families having to navigate the coparenting differences that we all face should in some ways have prepared us for this lack of control, because we have faced this before.
For example, differences in bedtimes, eating habits, or differences in structure regarding homework time, play time, and chore time are probably issues you have had to face with your ex-spouse.
While these areas have probably not been easy to handle, you may have some sense for how best to approach knowing your ex-spouse and their current feelings and also just their general personality.
Hopefully through the differences you have not had to resort to legal action due to a difference in opinion on what you believe is a rather significant issue.
It is certainly true that our culture appears to completely be mirroring what often goes on in families especially those that are blended and have to work together with ex-spouses.
Maybe you have lightly suggested problems in these areas to your ex-spouse, maybe you have demanded changes, or maybe you have avoided these issues altogether.
Now to be fair, this COVID-19 pandemic to most of us is extremely serious and often beliefs about life or death often come into play when it comes to thoughts about this virus. So it is no wonder that there are extremely passionate opinions about how best to handle this issue on many sides of the issue.
Now all this being said, I prefer to take an approach that would not be unlike any other approach with any other issue that you and your ex-spouse face. However, knowing that at the end of the day more might be needed depending on your stance.
Let’s talk now about some things to consider when it comes to disagreements about the pandemic.
- First, where are each of you at in general regarding the end of your previous relationship with each other? Is there any anger, bitterness, or resentment present for either of you? If it is in you then you might want to work to not make decisions with this fueling your choices. If you believe this is present in your ex-spouse you might want to calmly point this out and ask to work to make logical choices.
- Understand each of your personalities. When you were together, was one of you more preferred to stay at home and the other preferred to get out? Is one of you more introverted or extroverted? These differences will most likely play a role in how you feel about being outside the home.
- Assess those in either of your families who might be more prone to illness such as the elderly and those with immune compromised systems. So for example maybe you are the person who is more free in your attitude about where you go and what you do with your kids. But it is important to take into consideration that maybe an older ill parent lives with your ex-spouse. In a case like this you might want to exercise more care in what you do and where you go.
- Communicate with your ex-spouse. Hopefully you are able to communicate with each other while keeping the hot running emotions in check to some degree. Usually when this happens there is more likelihood of a compromise or desire to work together.
- Be willing to humble yourself and admit when your attitudes and opinions can sometimes be extreme no matter which side of the virus and/or mask debate you are on.
- Communicate that you really do want to create a win-win for both families. If there were ever a time in the history of our planet that we need cooperation and a feeling of being united with each other it is certainly now. This cooperation all starts with the family unit.
- Make sure to keep the kids opinions in mind and ask them often what they are thinking and feeling about this issue especially as they go back and forth to each home. Obviously at the end of the day, you as parents should have the final say but you want to keep dialogue with them open.
- As a final resort if you really feel strongly that appropriate precautions are not being taken or conversely you feel your freedoms to parent how you desire are not being heeded, then certainly consult an attorney if you feel there is no other recourse.
Use this time as a teaching moment to show your kids that in spite of what we are dealing with in the world, that there can be work to agreement or compromise with how to handle this pandemic when it comes to the kids.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
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154: What is Emotional Infidelity? Aug 25, 2020

Show notes

Summary Brian Mayer talks emotional infidelity. This is a very cloudy topic that many people don’t have a good handle on. With physical or sexual infidelity, the issue is very clear because it involves something that can be clearly seen. With emotional infidelity it is often a matter of the heart which can often be hidden. Today we will talk about how best to understand when this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

What is “emotional infidelity” or “emotional cheating?” Well the dictionary really doesn’t define this and so a lot of what it is can be extremely subjective.
Sexual or Physical infidelity can be much more clear and easily identified because it involves touch as small as just brushing up against someone to rubbing, hand holding, hugging, kissing, and then on up to sexual acts. Pretty clear right? Yes
For the most part it is hard to argue against physical infidelity although I have seen it be done when a couple argues over hugs that are given to others for example.
With emotional infidelity there are some parts that are relatively clear but others that are not. The parts that are not clear usually reside in the mind and heart of the one carrying on a relationship with someone other than their significant other like a spouse.
So let’s first take a bit of stab at the definition of emotional infidelity. In my opinion, emotional infidelity occurs when one person feels a romantic attraction to another that is cultivated through continued thinking about this other person in a romantic or sexual way. It also can include spending time with this person while engaged in conversations that can fuel this romantic feeling all while the current significant other is being and/or feeling neglected.
So as you can see this is a very complicated definition because again it is taking into account the actions and thoughts of the person engaged in an outside relationship, but it can also include the other partner’s thoughts and beliefs about it as well.
So let’s take a look at those three components a bit more in detail.
Let’s first talk about some actions that might be construed as emotional infidelity to someone looking on the outside. Now remember I said the word “might” and so we will later discuss what needs to happen with sometimes unclear actions.
- Going on lunch, dinner, or coffee meetings where a bulk of the conversation involves things other than a business or project type work.
- Texting or talking on the phone again when the majority of the time is spent on other topics outside a specific reason that it has brought you together like a business deal or some sort of project.
- Discussing intimate details of your current relationships especially when you spend more time talking about what you don’t like or are unhappy with in your current partner.
Ways of thinking and feeling that can signs of emotional infidelity. Now unfortunately, this is area that can be very gray and where most couples may argue. As mentioned, this can be a bit easier to hide or deny.
- Thinking about someone else in a romantic and sexual way especially with little desire to stop and also fantasizing about the future with this person. The future doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you want end your current relationship for it to be considered infidelity.
- In addition to the thoughts being directed at someone else, you might find that your thoughts are dimming toward your current spouse. Like you might not be as open to hugs and kisses or other moments of closeness with your spouse because of these thoughts and feelings that are directed elsewhere.
It is also important to take into consideration of the spouse on the other end who might be subject to the potential emotional infidelity of their partner. So with that here are some things you both can do before emotional infidelity becomes a problem.
- Allow discussion to be had when you are hurt by something that was done or said in your relationship. When either of you brings a hurt, you should respond to in a non-defensive or non-dismissing way. When you respond defensively or dismissively, you may invite your partner to close off and find someone else who agrees.
- You should each define your boundaries for what you will and will not be comfortable with. So maybe you might be uncomfortable with any kind of coffee, lunch or dinner just between your partner and someone else. For some maybe it is just the dinner. Whatever it is clearly communicate your needs.
- Take some time to consider your partners feelings. When I say this I am thinking more about the partner who is considered entertaining time with someone else in that you should consider your partners feelings and give heavy weight to those feelings.
- If you cannot come to agreement on boundaries, then you must decide if these are deal breakers. Or can you live with them and not have resentment and bitterness.
Emotional infidelity for lots of people is just as or even more hurtful than physical or sexual infidelity. Hopefully it does not happen, but if it does it is my hope that the two of you can discuss it and restore your emotional connection with each other that has been surely broken.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself Jul 28, 2020

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself. In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration. This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh. That being said, I am going to practice what I preach and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed! We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you need a break? Do you need some time for yourself? In blended families, that time seems pretty much non-existent. But in order for you to run the full marathon sometimes you need these breaks. In today’s episode we will talk about this and more.
And to begin, I wanted to let you know that the podcast will be taking a short 3 week break, so that I can do what I am asking you to do and that is to take better care of myself.
Have you ever been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will descend and that you are encouraged to put your own mask on first. This might seem cruel that you are putting yourself first but the ultimate goal is to keep yourself alive so that you can help others.
The same goes for your blended family experience. If you are not taking care of yourself then eventually you will be no good for anyone.
I often think about running a marathon when I compare it to the life of a blended family. I ran my first and only marathon to this point about 4 years ago. The training for the marathon was an interesting parallel to how I think life should be run.
First, you start off slow with some short runs. This might be compared to the initial period in a blended family where you might not be fully and completely engaged in all areas because you are busy getting your bearings.
The runs then get longer the more comfortable you are and the same with your blended family. You will begin to put yourself into situations around things like helping the stepkids with homework or discipline of them.
Then throughout the training there is usually one day a week that you will do a sprint. You know what these days look like in the life of your blended family. Unfortunately you don’t have much time to think. It is all about getting the family up, breakfast served, kids out the door, then onto work, then dinner, then cleanup, then homework, the off to bed and then do it all over again.
Also throughout the training, there are usually a couple of days a week where there is complete rest. This is the hard part of the blended family experience. Getting these breaks for full days is sometimes hard if not impossible. So you must find moments, minutes and maybe sometimes hours to rest.
In the midst of all of this physical training, you must also take care of your body by eating right and hydrating. Emotionally and mentally you must take of yourself by limiting or dealing with stress in better ways.
All of these things are done so that you can run your best race on race day which is often months away. The same goes for the blended life, in that you must have periods of both exertion and rest so that you can run your best race as life goes on.
So all this is great in theory, but how do we make this practical? Let’s talk about some simple ways to make this happen that hopefully won’t take too much energy.
- First I want you to take some deep breaths and really think about how your body is changing in how it feels when you do this. Deep breathing over periods of time can produce calm in the body.
- Go for a walk and use all of your senses. Think about what you are seeing, smelling, and hearing especially. Be grateful if you can do this and for what you are experiencing.
- Stay in your pajamas just a bit longer. Give yourself permission to fight against the expectations of others. This one is hard for those of us that always think we should be doing something.
- Look at what tasks can be delayed, temporarily not done, or permanently deleted from your life. Don’t take too much time thinking about this because that defeats the purpose of removing some pressure and stress.
- Tell your family what you are doing and ask that they do the same. In other words model some of the behaviors and let them know it is okay to do these from time to time.
So after I am done recording this podcast, I want to take some deep breaths and maybe take a walk around the work complex and soak in the sun, trees, and bird for just a bit.
Please take care of yourself and each other while we go on this short hiatus from the podcast. We will return again in about 4 weeks.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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