The Remarried Life

Latest Episodes:

182: Communication Series – Part 1 Speaking Gently May 11, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication. It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well. We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about speaking, with an emphasis on speaking gently.
Often when we get upset or what some refer to as emotionally flooding, the speed, tone, and volume of what we say can dramatically shift.
These changes occur because an alarm goes off in our head and our brain tells us that we must somehow defend ourselves from a perceived attack and so we think if we shift away from a gentle conversation that our partner will listen and get it.
Typically what happens in these moments is that our partner will indeed take notice of this shift in how you are speaking. But within seconds, we often get back the same shift from them or sometimes a shutdown.
When we raise our voice and get short and direct, it sometimes feels good to get concerns “off out chest.” But again longterm, often what we are doing is feeling relief by removing the stress from us, but it now shifts to our partner. Our partner then needs to figure out a way to offload this again either by throwing it back or swallowing it.
Ever heard the expression, “you can get more flies with honey than vinegar.” The same can be true with how we speak to others. Typically we can get more favorable responses when we gently speak to them about what we need.
In our brain, we have a part called the Amygdala. This area is responsible for detecting danger. When danger is detected, our brain sends signals to either go into fight, flight or freeze. When we respond completely emotionally to this alarm system, we then often set off our partner’s alarm system.
I don’t know about you but I would rather not set off my spouse’s brain alarm system would you? Of course we are human and can’t be good with this all the time, but what if we could be better?
Here are some suggestions to speak more gently:
- If you are feeling upset, work to understand where in your body you are detecting this.
- It is overworn to say this, but deep breaths can work to calm the areas in your body that you are feeling the upset.
- Work to keep a more even tone when you talk. When you have significant shifts in volume, tone, and speed you are increasing the likelihood of setting your alarm and your partner’s alarm.
- Look at your partner in the eyes when you speak. Even holding hands can keep the conversation calm.
- When you speak do not go on and on. Allow your partner time to process and to respond.
- Reflect back what you hear by restating in your own words what you heard your partner say.
- Record a disagreement and then play it back later. Pay attention to how you sound. Work to make any changes that might help you to be heard and understood better.
- If talking is difficult maybe emailing or texting might work better. Remember though you will not hear tone or see body language which can sometimes be a good a thing and sometimes not.
- Lastly remember you are talking to another human being who has feelings just like you do. Maybe those feelings are not the same but they are feelings just the same.
- Attend a couples workshop to learn to work on speaking more gently with one another.

Resources:

Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

181: The Uncontrollable Child with guest Matis Miller May 04, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks with Matis Miller about how best to work with children who can sometimes be stubborn, difficult, or even “uncontrollable.” Matis is the founder, director, and supervisor of The Center for Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy of New Jersey, Matis Miller is a licensed clinical social worker.

We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Here is much of what Matis talks about on the show:
Labeling or Diagnosing the Child: Having a diagnosis can make it easier to modify school assignments or adapt your parenting strategies. Additionally, when people have a diagnosis for themselves or their child, it can be very validating; their experiences and challenges suddenly make sense. I thought I was going crazy, but it turns out that this is something that actually has a name!
ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a fairly well-known disorder that is primarily characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior. The symptoms are present before the age of twelve; in some children, they are noticeable from an early age. ADHD can be mild, moderate, or severe.
Symptoms of ADHD include:
Trouble focusing on tasks and paying attention to detail
Difficulty following through and completing tasks
Difficulty organizing activities or keeping track of belongings
Distractibility or forgetfulness
Constant motion or difficulty staying still
Excessive talking and interrupting
Difficulty waiting one’s turn
While most healthy children are impulsive and active, the more extreme characteristics of ADHD significantly impact a child’s functioning.
Parenting an uncontrollable child can be exhausting, frustrating, chaotic, embarrassing, painful, and frightening.
(It’s pretty tough on the kid, too!)
It can also come along with a heaping dose of guilt: What did I do wrong that my child turned out like this?
Even the most experienced, knowledgeable, patient, loving parents can find themselves with an uncontrollable child: a child who is emotionally sensitive, easily dysregulated, overly moody, or highly irritable.
Emotion dysregulation is often misunderstood, especially by outsiders: He just needs firm discipline! All she needs is some love! Why can’t you get your kid to pull himself together? You must be coddling her; you shouldn’t stand for this behavior.
There’s often nothing that the parents could have done to prevent the uncontrollability—most of these children are hard wired to be extra-sensitive, impulsive, or otherwise “uncontrollable.” The good news is that there’s plenty you can do now to get your life (and your child’s life) under control.
As a parent, you have the power to influence your children’s lives and enable them to achieve the healthiest state possible. Childhood is the time to accept your child, build him/her up, protect him/her, defend him/her, and love him/her unconditionally, while simultaneously setting healthy limits, encouraging independence, and teaching him/her personal responsibility. It’s the time to teach him how to deal with emotional struggles on his own, and also the time to teach him/her how to reach out for help.
The “parent training” component of treatment for children with emotion dysregulation is an essential element. Time after time, I’ve seen that it’s far more effective to encourage parents to change than to encourage children to change. That’s because adults generally have a broader worldview than their naturally self-centered children; they’re also typically more motivated, more willing to cooperate, and more capable of self-driven change than children are.

Resources:

The Uncontrollable Child by Matis Miller

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

180: Family Conflict and Difficult Conversations with guest Lisanne Iriks Apr 27, 2021

Show notes

179: Top 10 Quick Life Hacks for the Busy Blended Family Mar 02, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about some quick things you and your family can do to save time. The biggest difficulty that blended families face is feeling that there is not enough time left over in our days and weeks to breathe and even connect with each other. In today’s episode it is all about doing some practical things to create more time and space. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you want more time to relax or to even just quietly connect with your partner and the kids then this episode is for you.
I am going to give you my top 10 hacks to create that time and space. By the way if you don’t know, a “hack” is a term probably coined over the last few years. According to Wikipedia in short it means something like “a trick or shortcut to increase productivity.”
So let’s not waste any more of your time. Here they are:

Ask yourself these two questions with everything that you face: “Is it important?” and “Can I do anything about it?” By asking these questions, you may be able to either eliminate some things or reduce the amount of energy spent on them.
Do much of your food prep for the week in one block of time, say two hours on a Sunday for example. You would be surprised that you will probably gain that time and more back.
If you exercise, wake up earlier and do it then. This is a had one to do, but once you get in the habit you might find it becomes easier.
10 minute pick-up. This involves everyone in the family doing a quick pick up of the clutter around the house and placing back in the proper area. This is something you might do every evening or maybe once every few days.
If you enjoy watching television, record your favorite programs or watch them on demand later. You can often fast forward through commercials saving time.
Brainstorm with your partner ways to save time getting the kids to all the appropriate activities. Of course during our time in COVID this may not make sense.
Take advantage of the new grocery pick-up that many stores offer. This could save you at least an hour every week.
Use something called the Pomodoro Technique. The crux of this idea is to set a timer for 25 minutes to complete each task we must do. We often will complete tasks in however much time we are given. You know what I am talking about. At work if the boss gives us two weeks then by golly we will take that long….stopping and starting etc. If the boss gives us one day, we will move through it without as many stops and starts.
Ask for help. This one is tough for those of us who don’t like to delegate.
Reduce your shower/bath to a few times a week. Unless of course you sweat and get grimy, science says a few times a week should suffice. Of course the armpits and groin area can tend to get smelly so those may be need to be focused on daily.

I hope some of these quick hacks have helped you to think about getting some time back.
Speaking of getting some time back, I am going to take 4-6 weeks off from producing new episodes to focus on some other things around The Remarried Life like the email newsletter and continued development of the relationship building workshop.
Brian’s Lasting Connection Workshop
- I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day.
- The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar.
- The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship.
- The current workshops are held on Friday’s from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates:
  - March 19, 2021
  - April 16, 2021
  - May 21, 2021
- For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support.
  - Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop
  - Click on one of the dates that works best.
  - Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100
  - The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off.
- Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.

Resources:

Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

178: The Power of a Relationship Building Workshop Feb 23, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about taking time to work on your relationship with the help of a marriage workshop. Whether your relationship is incredibly strong, needs help in a few areas, or even needs a complete overhaul, then spending one full day working together can reap extreme rewards. Today we will discuss the power of devoting time in a workshop with a trained facilitator that can have positive benefits. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Relationships especially the ones between us the person we love most in the world can be some of the most wonderful and the most difficult.
There are of course lots of reasons for this. Probably the biggest reason is how intertwined our lives are from the emotional connection, the physical connection, parenting, finances, leisure time activities and on and on.
Another reason it can be the most wonderful is the amount of time you spend together. Even though we might spend a lot of time at work, most likely are still spending more time with our spouse even if some of it is while asleep.
The number of decisions you must try to make while being collaborative can also be an extremely positive thing but when it is not working can also be the most frustrating.
There are all sorts of things you can do to help your relationship get to a better place or to even strengthen beyond where it may already be.
You could read a good relationship book together.
How about a workbook with items to fill out and exercises to complete together.
You can take a relationship quiz. The 5 Love Language quiz is one that comes to mind. This was an idea developed by Gary Chapman in which his theory that we have one or two ways in which we liked to be loved above others.
You can join a small group of other couples especially in church like settings.
You could take a vacation together just the two of you to relax and work on being present with each other since the kids and other distractions are not there.
You can attend couples counseling together. Usually couples counseling involves 1 hour sessions once or twice a week. Depending on the level of severity of the issue, some couples will devote a couple of months to the process. Some may take longer, a year or more especially if there has been a significant betrayal of trust like infidelity.
So all sorts of great things you can do to strengthen your relationship. But might I propose in something that I believe in more strongly that the suggestions listed above for most couples?
It is a Marriage or Relationship Building Workshop which can benefit those that are married or unmarried.
Workshops can run for a few hours, one full day, and in some cases for 2-3 days.
Group workshops are held for several couples at once. Some groups offer smaller more intimate settings with like 10 or few couples. Some group workshops are held for hundreds of couples.
- Pros of a Group Workshop: The biggest pro is that the more couples present the more you may be able to learn from others and also more opportunities to share with other couples. Obviously this depends on how many couples are present and also how much time is devoted for discussion and/or having periods to gather with a few couples at a time.
- The potential negative of a group forum is less time interacting with the facilitator. Also, while most workshops do not pressure couples to speak or publicly disclose, it may still feel less private than working one on one with a facilitator.
Private couples workshops are held for one couple at a time. In this case there is usually just the facilitator and the one couple working together for the entirety of the workshop. The positive and negative can often be the opposite of the group workshop.
- The potential positive is again getting more time with the facilitator where you can ask questions and get more feedback when engaging in exercises with your partner. It can also feel more private and you can feel more at ease to dive into something deeper especially during the exercises.
- The negative might be not having other couples facing similar issues that you can have some time during exercises and or breaks to talk to. With a private group this is not possible.

Live Online or In Person?
- This is another thing to think about when selecting a workshop. Many are offered live and online while many others are offered online.
- Of course in the time while we are all still dealing with the social distancing and masks etc, online workshops might be more appealing.
- Also depending on your hectic schedules finding something online could also work better.
Format of workshops:
- All workshops may be run a bit differently, but usually there are 3-4 very common processes that take place.
- First, there is a time for education where the facilitator may take some time to discuss something like emotional connection, communication, conflict, intimacy, or goals just to name a few.
- Couples exercises where the couple gets to experience in real time some activities or discussions about the learnings they just had on a particular topic.
- Group Discussion often will follow the exercises (or discussion with the facilitator if a private workshop) so that the couples can learn and share with each other
- Assessments (or surveys) are often given to the couples on various topics around relationships. This helps the couples better understand each other and the dynamics that may be present between them.
In my opinion relationship building workshops are in the sweet spot of things you can do and try to increase your relationship satisfaction.
Reading books or completing workbooks on your own sometimes takes discipline to maintain consistency.
On the other end things like couples counseling over a period of months or a week’s vacation can involve a lot of time and great expense.
A relationship building workshop puts the discipline of consistency at least during the workshop on the facilitator’s shoulders. You simply show up and follow the prompting of the facilitator.
Also the time involved to take a relationship building workshop is much shorter and involves taking less time away from family or work.
There is currently research underway that is suggesting that an intensive workshop may have equal or better benefit and just as long last results as months of couples counseling.
Brian’s Lasting Connection Workshop
- I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day.
- The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar.
- The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship.
- The current workshops are held on Friday’s from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates:
  - March 19, 2021
  - April 16, 2021
  - May 21, 2021
- For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support.
  - Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop
  - Click on one of the dates that works best.
  - Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100
  - The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off.
- Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.

Resources:

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

177: Parental Alienation and What to Do About Feb 16, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about parental alienation after divorce. Parental alienation happens when one or both parents either knowingly or unknowingly talk ill about each other to the children. This can cause children to begin to carry a unnecessary burden of negative feelings toward a parent. We will talk about this issue and what to do about it today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When a divorce happens, negative feelings by one or both ex-spouses is very common. It can actually be somewhat more rare that a divorce ends amicable and on good terms.
If it ends on good terms, where you both remain good friends then of course more positive feelings toward each other will be present. Those positive feelings will most likely flow over into discussions about each other to the kids.
But what happens if your marriage ended on a rather bad note. And what if you really don’t have a friendship with your former partner? Sometimes but not always depending on the level of upset and anger toward each other, can lend itself to this idea of parental alienation
What is parental alienation? This term was apparently coined back in 1985 by child psychologist Richard Gardner. He actually called in Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
Gardner focused on the behaviors in the children who has been exposed to something like as the signal that this is happening for the child.
Those behaviors include:
- Denigration: The child repeatedly complains about one parent over and over again.
- Frivolous Rationalization: This involves the child giving a weak reason for not wanting to see the targeted parent again.
- Lack of Ambivalence: Ambivalence actually means we are torn mental and emotional about something. We can see good and bad. In parental alienation, the child no longer see both sides but rather all negative.
- Independent Thinker: This happens when the child seems to suggest that everything they think about their parent has come from within and that none came from the other parent.
- Automatic/Reflexive Support: The child always chooses the side of one parent over another no matter what the topic.
- Absence of Guilt: The child will say and do very disrespectful things and have no remorse or feelings of guilt.
- Borrowed Scenarios: This involves the child giving the exact same story that a preferred parent gives and will often even use the same words.
- Spread of Animosity: This involves the child expanding the anger toward other family and friends of the targeted parent.
This sounds like a lot to deal with and of course if you are witnessing any of the signs in your children then it may mean that something like parental alienation is happening.
So what do you do about this? It may take awhile to unravel but it can be done.
Here are some suggestions to decrease parental alienation.
If you are the parent responsible for the parental alienation:
- Awareness of the burden you are placing on your child is the first step.
- Taking responsibility for what you are doing and talking it out with your child (obviously age appropriate) is very important.
- Working to instill more neutral or positive comments about the other parent will be important.
If you are the parent on the receiving end of the alienation:
- First take stock in what you are doing and saying to understand if you still may have some responsibility. Obviously make changes.
- If you truly believe it is a case of alienation, then talking to the other parent is important. Simply explain that for the mental and emotional health of the child that it is important not to pressure the child to take sides.
- If you are unable to talk to the parent or the parent is unwilling to take responsibility, have a discussion with your child. Again age appropriateness is important here. If the child is older and willing, the child can discuss with the other parent that hearing negative is not helpful.
What if you are a step parent and your spouse is the target of parental alienation:
- Support for your spouse but just being there for him/her through this is most important.
- Of course you can also play a key role in making a positive environment for your stepchildren can help.
- Constantly communicating the good that the children are doing is also important. Kids when they become adults will often complain that the one or both parents would never point out the positive in others or themselves.
This is certainly a tough topic and not an easy one to navigate. So be patient as this one may take some time to unwind from.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

176: Keep It Simple: 4 Mantras For Love by Thich Nhat Hanh Feb 09, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks about keeping it simple in your remarriage and blended family. Utilizing 4 Mantras from Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh can help you be happier in the present moments with those you love the most. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Often we like to meet complexity with complexity in our blended family. Often with so many things going on and swirling we often try to hard to do too much.
But what if we think about the issues in a different way and work to meet complexity with simplicity instead. We often don’t think about doing something like this because we are so emotionally and mentally charged that we let our mind and body run together at an extremely fast clip because we feel like we need to keep up.
Thich Nhat Hanh is rather well known Buddhist Monk who was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey a few years back. In the interview he talked about 4 Mantras that when practiced with the ones you love can bring about happiness to us individually and also to us as a couple and to the family unit.
Let’s Talk about his 4 Mantras:
- Darling, I Am Here For You
- Darling, I Know That You are There, and That Makes Me So Happy
- Beloved One, I know you are suffering. That is Why I am Here For You
- Beloved One, I am Suffering. I Am Trying My Best to Practice. Please Help Me.
While these are words to be spoken, what is most important through all of these is simply your presence. You are not preoccupied with other things, but are truly and genuinely mentally, emotionally, and physically present with your partner.
All too often we want to solve our partner’s problems. It is much too soon for that. All our partner usually wants to know is are we there and do we care?
Sometimes we get frustrated at the same complaint over and over again. This takes practice to be what is called long suffering through what you or your partner are going through.
Again simply be there and acknowledge that you see the issue and the pain and hurt that are present.
If you do these things, most likely you will see your relationships with your partner and family bloom like a flower in the words of Hanh

Resources:

Thich Nhat Hanh 4 Mantras

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

175: Take Your Blended Family from the Hot Mess Express to Organization Station Feb 02, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer and his wife Heather discuss how the chaotic and complicated blended family life doesn’t always have to be that way. With just some simple small changes you can take your blended family life from what we like to call the “hot mess express” to “organization station.” We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you feel like blended family life is always bringing new and surprising things everyday. Well of course sometimes these changes can bring positivity and good feelings but often the quick changes can bring upset and negativity into the blended family.
Of course there will be things like sickness that come up and if you have a blended family with lots of children you may experience this much more than you would like. Or an extracurricular activity brings seasons where more is expected and you have to take more time away.
Or maybe an ex-spouse that needs to go away on business and is now asking you to take on more time with the kids over the next few weeks. As a result you are left scrambling to try to make things work.
But there is plenty in life that we do have some control over and that is really what we want to talk about today.
Let’s talk about how to take your family from the “Hot Mess Express” to “Organization Station.” And as we talk about these things, we are going to be talking about more than just the physical space in which you live. This can also be where you better organize your lives emotionally and physically.
But before we jump into some of our tips around getting more organized, Heather tell us where in the world did these phrases come from?
Heather describes that they come from her experience as school teacher of elementary age students. She works with them to get move them from cluttered and chaotic to more orderly and systematic processes for how they work.
So with that what are some tips to help blended families with getting more organized.

Shared calendar
10 minute clean up
Couch time
Date night
Family
Spring cleaning – Keep Donate Sell
5 Min Agenda Discussion Morning
Communicate About Expenses
Your Ideas

These are just some very simple things you can implement to help keep your life feeling more organized. Don’t worry about trying to implement all of these. Just take one or two and try them. And also as we mentioned maybe there is something you have been thinking about doing that you would like to do that is not on the list.
Most of all just keep trying. If something does not work, keep trying it for awhile or pivot to something else that might work better.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

174: Forgiveness with Relationship Coach Emily Hill Jan 19, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer talks with relationship coach Emily Hill about forgiveness. This is a topic that is a difficult one for lots of us to grasp and understand. So happy to her back on the podcast as she talked about relationships and mental health on Episode 161 so feel free to check that one out as well. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In your opinion what is Forgiveness?
What is Forgiveness not? For example does forgiveness mean you trust again?
Can/Should someone forgive before they are ready? Or is it a process?
Why do some people have a more difficult time forgiving?
Talk about Your Experience Working with helping people forgive after divorce or breakup?
Is forgiving oneself just as important?
What else would you like the audience to know about forgiveness?
Talk about your Facebook group and anything else you might like the listener to know about you.

Resources:

Emily Hill’s Facebook Page

Desperate for Peace Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

173: What Do You Want to Do With The Rest of Your Life? Find Out Like I Did! Jan 12, 2021

Show notes

Brian Mayer discusses how being in a blended family with everything that you responsible for can make you feel trapped. This is a very common feeling and a common reality. We will talk today about how to plan to do what you really want to do with the rest of your life. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you are in a rut? If you are listening to this episode close to the time of publishing you surely might be feeling an extra dose of this because of the constraints we are under due to this pandemic.
But on the bright side, what better time it might be than now to assess where you have been, where you are now and where you want to go with your future.
If you would we will go on a journey to talk a bit through my life so that you might see how I got to where I am now which includes being a podcast host, running my own couples therapy practice, and heading up a volunteer marriage mentoring ministry.
If you just met me you might think this journey has been easy but as for all of us it is never easy and we often don’t see the heartache and pain that goes into getting us where we hope to be one day.
As I talk about my journey, I want you after this episode to also think about your past, present and hopeful future as a guide to help you in your journey.
So again how did I get to where I am now, as a podcaster with several thousand downloads every month that helps those that are remarried and in blended families, a successful couples therapist who owns his own practice, and who heads up a marriage mentoring ministry with his wife? Lets go way back to start.
I was born in 1971 as the first and only child. A couple of years later my parents divorced. So I was probably around 2 years old. I don’t really have any memories of my parents being together.
So that being said, my entire childhood that I can remember was spent in split households, with blended family experiences starting in both households sometime maybe a few years after that.
My mother met a man who did not have children and they later would have a daughter together who of course would be my “half-sister.” My mother would later divorce a second time. She met her third husband when I was probably around 17 years of age. Unfortunately she suffered a massive aneurism about a year into their marriage and she passed away 2 years later. They did not have any children together.
Her third husband took custody of my “half-sister” from her second marriage. Are you following this?
On the other side, my father met my stepmother. She had a son who was about 6 years younger than I was. He would of course become my stepbrother. They then had a son together who is about 9 years younger than I am who is of course my half brother.
So are you starting to see where the seeds of this podcast came from and my other present work? Now of course at that I would have never thought that this would be what I was doing. Mainly because I had other thoughts like wanting to be an astronaut when I was a child. And of course there was no such thing as podcasting.
Fast forward to my adult life. I met my first wife when I was 17 years old. So really not my adult life yet. This was honestly as I used to look back a period of deep regret. I met her the summer before going away to college at Purdue University a few hours away from my home in Cincinnati. I was a kid of who had fallen head over heels for someone and I could not concentrate on my studies. So I returned home much to the chagrin and upset of my mother.
My first wife had a child when we met who would become my stepson. We were both 22 when we got married. The marriage lasted 5 years. During that time however, my daughter was born probably 3 years into the marriage.
After the marriage ended, for the next 6 years I dated but I suppose would be considered single. If you have listened to this podcast for any length of time you know that I went through a rather terrible depression for probably 3-4 of those years.
The depression became so bad that I decided a move to another state might be best. I had primary custody of my daughter and we moved from Ohio to Florida. It took even a few years after that for the depression to lift. I would say time and the sunshine of Florida probably didn’t hurt!
So let me ask again as we all look back on what I describe can you see where my life might be headed? Now of course in my work with couples we talk a lot about childhood and for some running away from the types of issues is one way to move forward and running into them is another. Probably for awhile I chose to run away but something changed that helped propel me to run into the direction of helping others.
The thing that happened that slowly started to change things involved meeting my current wife. She did not have any children and because of a cancer she went through when we first met we ultimately did not have any children together. So all that being said my daughter grew up in my home as only child but yet she was in a blended family.
As a side note, my ex-wife got remarried. She and her husband had another child together. So my daughter spent time in that home which was probably the more real blended family type experience.
Okay so back to what started changing for me. So as our marriage progressed it was incredibly strong and connected with one exception. And that involved beliefs on how to raise and discipline my daughter. However, after several years we figured out better ways and compromises that helped.
After those difficulties and obstacles were successfully dealt with, our marriage took off to an even better place.
As a result we approached the church we attended in Florida to start some kind of marriage help. It never really got off the ground but set that stage for what was to come. Again are you seeing where this is headed? As we talk just remember to think about your own life journey for clues to where you should head. And it doesn’t have to be in the direction of the fire. Maybe it is in the opposite direction? Either way is okay!
So fast forward a bit and the insurance company I worked for at the time transferred us to Virginia which is where we are now and have been for the past 12 years.
A marriage mentoring ministry was created and my wife and I were asked to be a part of it. I enjoyed it so much that we decided that I should change careers from insurance to counseling. This was a long and difficult financial journey. It was one I thought about quitting several times. How about you? Have you had something tough you have thought about quitting?
Simultaneously everything came together. The pivotal years were 2017 and 2018. During those years, I created this “The Remarried Life Podcast,” started my own private practice to help couples, and then my wife and I were named leaders of the marriage mentoring program because the prior leaders moved to another city.
So I want you to look across your life for clues about where you might want to go and what you want to do. I still have even more dreams and for the sake of time on this broadcast today will not get into. But I hope you are just as excited about your future as I am mine.
Take care and thanks for listening.

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Take care and thanks for listening.

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