The Messy Bun Podcast

Latest Episodes:

029 - Setting Boundaries, Part 1 Nov 30, 2020

Show notes

Boundaries are so important. And can be so hard! Because boundaries are so vital, we have split this topic into a 2-part series. Part 1 will focus on how parents can set boundaries with their teen. Part 2 will focus on how teens can set boundaries in their own life.

The basics of setting up boundaries

How boundaries benefit teens (even if they won't admit it!)
Do preparation work before talking with your teen
Tips for how to set up boundaries

How to deal with boundary testing

Be firm and consistent
Give respect to get respect

Keys to enforcing consequences

Remember that pushing boundaries is normal teen behavior (and healthy developmentally!)
If they break the agreed-upon deal:
- Reiterate the deal broken
- Allow natural consequences
- If natural consequences don't apply, cooperatively decide on a fitting consequence
- Follow through (so hard!)
Provide positive reinforcement when they do comply
Spend time talking about a ton of other things besides boundaries

Resources:

Set realistic boundaries with your teenager https://parents.au.reachout.com/skills-to-build/connecting-and-communicating/things-to-try-building-trust/set-realistic-boundaries-with-your-teenager
Stephanie Klindt, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern: 10 Way to Set Appropriate Boundaries with Teens http://teentherapycentersv.org/2014/12/30/10-ways-to-set-appropriate-boundaries-with-teens/

028 - Teaching Teens Gratitude with Holly Moore Nov 23, 2020

Show notes

Teaching teens gratitude can be tricky amid all of the drama and angst... but our friend Holly has some great tips on how to do it, even during challenging times! Both Penny and Steph left this interview inspired.

⁠

Why gratitude matters

Gratitude changes the way you view the world
Gratitude helps you during challenging times

How to have gratitude in your home during challenging times

Allow your kids to feel their emotions. Listen to them. They can't feel gratitude until they've been heard.

What does work have to do with gratitude?

Why Holly's kids work and pay for things
The changes she sees in her kids because of work
Work helps us value what we have and see how hard you have to work to get it

027 - Why We Hate Our Pictures Nov 19, 2020

Show notes

It’s a pretty common problem… We have a picture taken of us, and we think we look fine when it’s being taken, and then we view the picture later, and we're shocked! "That’s what I look like?!"

Let's help our daughters understand why this happens and how to get comfortable with pictures of themselves (and maybe us moms can learn a little about this too?).

⁠

The science behind why we don't like our pictures

Self-enhancement bias
Mere exposure effect
Confirmation bias

How to get comfortable with pictures of ourselves

Use mere exposure effect to your advantage
Cultivate happiness while pictures are being taken
Understand the power of lenses, dimensions, and angles.

Why selfies are dangerous

Taking selfies is normal
Be aware what category you're falling under when you take/post a selfie
If you notice unhealthy patterns, look for what emotional needs you need met
Don't take stupid, dangerous selfies on cliffs :)

Resources

- Madeleine A. Fugère Ph.D (expertise is attraction and romantic relationships)., Why Seeing Photos of Ourselves Disappoints Us, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201710/why-seeing-photos-ourselves-disappoints-us
- Edith Leigh, How to LIke Your Photos, https://www.edithleighphotography.nz/post/how-to-like-your-photos
- Krishna, Ooo St. Lou Studios, The Science of the Selfie No You don’t Really Look LIke that, https://oohstloustudios.com/the-science-of-the-selfie-no-you-dont-really-look-like-that
- Dangerous Selfies, https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/dangerous-selfies/#:~:text=Between%202011%20and%202017%2C%20259,risky%20selfies%20like%20this%20one
- Dalvin Brown, USA Today, Why You Take Selfies and How It’s Dangerous, https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2019/05/22/why-you-take-selfies-and-how-its-dangerous/3691366002/
- Diana Alonso, The Societal Obsession with Selfies (and what’s wrong with it) https://www.psychalive.org/obsession-with-selfies/
- Parent Co., The Dangers of Selfie Culture and How You Can Help Your Kids https://www.parent.com/the-dangers-of-selfie-culture-and-how-you-can-help-your-kids/

026 - Helping Your Teen Cope with Big Things Nov 12, 2020

Show notes

We remember as teens being so so scared about earthquakes, fires, LA Riots, Nuclear war, gangs, kidnappers, etc. etc. The world has a lot of scary stuff! Can we say hello to 2020? Stuff like this is becoming very real and present with our kids because it seems like bad things happen every day, and now we have a more global and constant news cycle because of the internet. Listen in to learn how you can help your daughter cope with these big things.

⁠

Validate Their Fears

Talk and listen
Share things you worried about as a teen
Don’t make promises you can’t keep

Small Things That Can Help

Try to maintain regular routine as much as you can
Keep home a safe place
Give them a chance to help
Connect with others
Reassure them

When to Seek Help

Risk factors
Things to watch out for

Resources

Five Coping Skills Teens Need to Know https://parentandteen.com/coping-skills/
Helping Children cope with Disasters and Traumatic Events https://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/disaster.htm
Helping Children Cope https://www.ready.gov/helping-children-cope
Parent presentation: Helping Children cope with crisis and loss during the pandemic https://vimeo.com/442056847
Helping Children and Adolescents Cope with Disasters and Other Traumatic Events: What Parents, Rescue Workers, and the Community Can Do https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/helping-children-and-adolescents-cope-with-disasters-and-other-traumatic-events/index.shtml
Helping Youth Cope with Disaster https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/HelpingYouthCopewithDisaster.pdf
Helping children and teens cope with stressful public event https://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/disaster

025 - Sharing Your Messy Things with Your Daughter Nov 05, 2020

Show notes

It’s so tempting to try and hide any negative feelings or experiences we’re having from our daughters - we don’t want them to worry, and we want to be tough, and we so badly want to be as strong and perfect as possible for them!! But, let’s be honest, they can usually tell when something’s up, and not knowing makes them worry MORE. Also, when we don’t share any negative experiences or feelings we’re having, we don’t model how to handle and express them. This is a huge missed opportunity! So this is what we want to talk about today.

⁠

Why you should share your hard things with your daughter

They worry more when we don’t share but they can sense it
It models for her that it’s healthy and good to share all emotions in a healthy way
It gives her the chance to show and feel compassion
It helps creates trust and helps engender confidence - both in herself and in your relationship

How to share your hard things without adding worry to your daughter

You don't need to share details (in fact, there are some details you shouldn't share!)
Instead, share what you are feeling

How to let your daughter help you (in a healthy way)

3 Simple Steps
- 1. Talk with her about how you need her help when you're struggling (do this ahead of time). Ask if she's willing.
- Give her specific, reasonable ways to help you.
- Thank her - even if she didn't do things perfectly. Thank her even for her willingness. Do not be critical
Tell her you want to be there for her too.

Resources:

John Lamie, Should You Hide Your Negative Emotions from Your Children?, The Conversation, https://theconversation.com/should-you-hide-negative-emotions-from-children-104710
Bonnie M. Le and Emily A. Impett, The Costs of Suppressing Negative Emotions and Amplifying Positive Emotions During Parental Caregiving, Sage Journal, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167216629122
Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph D, Communicating About Emotion Between Adolescent and Parents, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201705/communicating-about-emotion-between-parent-and
@gottmaninstitute

024 - Teaching Teens Why Voting is Important Oct 29, 2020

Show notes

“A healthy democracy needs well-informed, active citizens. But these citizens don’t just magically appear. People learn citizenship. They learn it, for example, as children when they go the polling place to watch their parents vote. They learn it advocating for an issue they care about with their neighbors. They learn it by doing it.” Valerie Strauss

This quote sums up the reason we felt that we needed to do this episode. Are our teens learning about the importance of voting and citizenship from us? Let's talk about it!

⁠

Discuss politics at home

Doesn't have to be specific or divisive
Teach respectful disagreement
Be okay if your child doesn't follow in your footsteps
Learn to express your feelings

Why voting matters in 4 bullet points

1. Voting has consequences
2. Voting is a responsibility
3. Voting is a privilege
4. Voting is a way to affect change

What teens can do before they're 18

It seems dumb, but political tv shows are a fun, albeit not-very-realistic intro to some aspects of governement
Take political classes (US Government and Citizenship is required)
Pre-register (age dependent on state)
Pay attention to passions and see how they can be talked about politically

Resources:

Register future voters https://www.tolerance.org/future-voters-project/register-future-voters
How to register, where to vote, learn about candidates (in Utah): https://voteinfo.utah.gov/
Which states offer preregistration: https://www.ncsl.org/research/elections-and-campaigns/preregistration-for-young-voters.aspx#How
Interesting facts about why voting matters: https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/why-voting-matters-motivating-facts/
How the voting process in the US works https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2020-53785985
Candidate platforms and horribly hilarious illustrations https://columbiachronicle.com/d98bd03e-3acf-11e9-a5ee-377326c0c21b
Taking it to the basics: https://www.kindercare.com/content-hub/articles/2016/october/good-politics-how-to-teach-your-kids-about-voting
4 Reasons voting matters: https://www.noodle.com/articles/teaching-your-teen-about-the-elections
History of Voting in US: https://www.sos.wa.gov/_assets/elections/history-of-voting-in-america-timeline.pdf
Map of democracy in world: https://freedomhouse.org/explore-the-map?type=fiw&year=2020&country=LBY
Why young people don’t vote: https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2018/09/20/many-young-people-dont-vote-because-they-never-learned-how-heres-free-class-now-schools-trying-change-that/
Politifact https://www.politifact.com/
@theamericanmoms and https://theamericanmoms.com
Penny's Friend- Michelle Barber

023 - Time Management Oct 22, 2020

Show notes

We're not sure there's ever been more pressure on our teens to figure out their own schedules and manage their time wisely than right now. Whatever your daughter is doing for school during a pandemic, chances are she needs to be on her A-game with her school work. ⁠Our teens balance school, work, music lessons, friends, family responsibilities, school responsibilities, sports teams, and who knows what else. It's tough! We've been doing a lot of research into simple ways to teach teens how to manage their time (hopefully without making them defensive). Listen in today to see what we've come up with.⁠

Benefits of good time management

Reduced anxiety
Increased responsibility
Better decision-making skills
More time for family and friends
Better performance at work and school
More time to relax

Important Life Skills to promote good time management

Work smarter not harder
Take care of yourself to have adequate energy
Take brief but regular breaksRecognize the emotions you’re feeling and how what impact it has on your efficiency
Challenge the stories you tell ourself about events
Don’t multitask “Multitasking is a myth”
Clarify your priorities

Steps parents can take to teach good time management

Be a good example
Give them good tools
Encourage them to write down their schedule
Help them prioritize
Help them figure out what is most important to them based on values and commitments
Help them develop routines
Avoid nagging
Set limits on electronics (In a perfect world, they’d do this themselves.)
Encourage her to set goals

Resources:

Amy Morin, LCSW, Very Well Family. How to Teach Time Management Skills to Teens. https://www.verywellfamily.com/teaching-time-management-skills-to-teens-2608794
Tim Urban, Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator, Ted Talks, https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_urban_inside_the_mind_of_a_master_procrastinator?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
Important Life Skills to Promote Time Management, Instagram, @letstalkmanagement
American Psychology Association, Mutlitasking: Switching Costs, https://www.apa.org/research/action/multitask
Benjamin Mayo, How to Set a Time Limit for a Specific iphone App, https://9to5mac.com/2018/10/16/time-limit-app-limit-iphone-ipad/
Claire Gagne, 4 Parent-Tested Systems You Can Use to Limit Screen Time, https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/parent-tested-systems-you-can-use-to-limit-screen-time/
Dread list, Instagram, @psych_today
Ping Pong Object Lesson, https://youtu.be/Lpau5YXk46Y

022 - Eating Well and Feeling Good with Stephanie Webb Oct 15, 2020

Show notes

We are so excited to share this interview with you! Stephanie Webb is a nutrition coach and co-founder of Eat Confident Co., an online nutrition coaching practice.⁠ We learned so much about simplifying the way we talk to our girls about food and how to manage the questions and concerns teenage girls often have about nutrition. Stephanie is smart, funny, and authentic. We really think you'll love this episode. ⁠

How to eat well without over-complicating it

Food and nutrition doesn't need to be complicated - it shouldn't be
We need to teach our daughters that their bodies are good

A few nutrition basics for teens

The four pillars of nutrition are: Eat regularly, Eat adequately, Eat variety, and Eat what you love

The best source of information and how to access it

Your body is the best place you can go to figure out what you need
You don't need programs or books or specialists

What to do when you feel off balance

How you're doing with food tells you how you're doing with life
Take shame away from negative eating experiences (like over-eating) and make a plan for next time that is more helpful and can better meet your needs

Resources:

@intuitive.eating.nutritionist
@eatconfident.co
Stephanie's website stephaniewebb.co
Schedule a 20-minute free call with Stephanie stephaniewebb.co/freecall
Eat Confident Collective eatconfident.co

021 - Why You Should Tell Your Teen She's Not Special Oct 08, 2020

Show notes

Stick with us on this one. It sounds harsh. We know your daughter is special. But this episode will help you understand that dangers of focusing on her special-ness. We want our daughters to thrive, but we also want them to avoid the pitfalls of thinking they need to always be the best.

Being special requires comparison - and someone else will always be better

It’s tempting to want to tell our daughters that they are special, but we are really setting them up to always think they need to be special-er, that somehow, being ordinary or mediocre, or even the same-great as someone else isn’t acceptable.
We can see this a lot on social media - but this is misleading
Trying to stay special - and all of the comparison that comes with it - is EXHAUSTING

Expectations we apply to everyone else apply to us too

If I would give someone else grace over something, then I need to be able to give that same grace to myself.

Mediocrity is not the goal, but being ordinary is okay too

“Mediocrity as a goal, sucks, but mediocrity as a result is ok.” (Mark Manson, In Defense of Being Average)

Developing YOU matters more than being special

Finding and nurturing your unique gifts is different than thinking you’re special
How to know if you’re seeing and developing your uniqueness vs competing in the special race.

Resources:

Mark Manson, Being Special, https://markmanson.net/being-special
Mark Manson, In Defense of Being Average, https://markmanson.net/being-average
Scott Mills, The Tyranny of Being Special, https://medium.com/@scottmills_56999/the-tyranny-of-special-why-you-should-give-up-being-special-and-try-on-being-unique-74592656495a
The School of Life, Overcoming the Need to be Exceptional, https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/overcoming-the-need-to-be-exceptional/

020 - Healthy Romance Oct 01, 2020

Show notes

Crushes and love are a HUGE part of the teen years. But are we talking with our daughters about what healthy romance looks like? Or are we leaving it to the movies and social media to teach them? Let's make sure we're talking about love with our girls.

Help them define love

Do they confuse it with lust, obsession, infatuation, idolization
What are they attracted to and why?

Teach them what a healthy relationship looks like

Point out relationships in shows you watch or books you read
Signs of a Healthy Relationship (national domestic violence hotline)

- Freedom to be yourself
- Mutual Respect
- Limited Jealousy
- Support
- Privacy
- Boundaries
- Communication

Teach them what an unhealthy relationship looks like

Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control, not equality and respect.
Signs of an unhealthy relationship
- possessiveness,
- Insults
- jealous accusations
- Yelling
- Humiliation
- pulling hair, pushing or other abusive behaviors
- Remember that abuse is always a choice and you deserve to be respected. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind.

Teach them about Consent

Don’t wait until they’re in a relationship to talk about consent and what’s healthy and what’s not.
Basics of Consent
- mutual agreement between partners
- needs to happen every time
- your relationship status does not make consent automatic
- consent is not a free pass
- there’s no such thing as implied consent
- it’s not consent if you’re afraid or unable to say no
- nonconsent means stop.
- if anyone involved isn’t consenting, then what is happening is or could be rape, sexual assault or abuse.

Resources:

Dr. Robyn Silverman, How To Talk to Kids About Healthy, Caring, Romantic Relationships, https://drrobynsilverman.com/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-healthy-caring-romantic-relationships-with-dr-richard-weissbourd-rerelease/
Planned Parenthood, What Should I Teach My High School-Aged Teen About Relationships, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/high-school/what-should-i-teach-my-high-school-aged-teen-about-relationships
Sarah Aswell, The Complete Guide to Teaching Kids Consent at Every Age, https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/consent-at-every-age
Amy Joyce, The Washington Post, The Sex Talk Isn't Enough: How Parents Can Teach Teens About Healthy Relationships, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/05/17/how-to-teach-teens-to-have-healthy-romantic-relationships/
Michelle Drew, Love vs Infatuation, https://psychcentral.com/lib/love-versus-infatuation/
National Domestic Violence Hotline, Teaching Teens About Healthy Relationships, https://www.thehotline.org/2013/02/28/teaching-teens-about-healthy-relationships/
Love Is Respect, Healthy Relationships, https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
Love Is Respect, Understanding Teen Dating Violence and Sexual Assault, https://www.loveisrespect.org/understanding-teen-dating-violence-and-sexual-assault/

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected