The Messy Bun Podcast

Latest Episodes:

009 - Saying Sorry Part I Jul 16, 2020

Show notes

In this first part of a two-part series, we talk all about saying sorry. This is even hard for adults, so it's a really vital conversation to have between you and your daughter.

1. It is a gift to the one we injured to us to the relationship

- People who apologize are emotionally healthier
- People who apologize believe change is possible
- Takes courage
- Creates empathy

2. Why saying sorry is hard.

- Explore WHY

3. How to apologize effectively.

- Acknowledge the Action
- Acknowledge the impact
- Acknowledge the intention

RESOURCES:

Harriett Lerner, The Power of Apologizing, https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1150/the-power-of-apologizing
Karina Schumann and Carol S. Dweck, Who Accepts Responsibilities for Their Transgressions?, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167214552789
Dr. Allison, How to Apologize: A Simple Formula to Say I'm Sorry, https://drallisonanswers.com/relationships/how-to-apologize/
Elizabeth Scott, MS, How to Apologize More Sincerely, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-apologize-more-sincerely-3144467
Kids Health, Apologizing (For Teens), https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
Dr. Robi Ludwig, Why Is It So Hard to Say I'm Sorry, https://www.today.com/health/why-it-so-hard-say-im-sorry-1C9403207

008 - How to Start Talking About Sex Beyond "The Talk" Jul 09, 2020

Show notes

We both believe strongly in talking about sex a lot with our kids. We HOPE this keeps the doors open so they can talk with us about anything they come across. This episode will help you to know where to begin.
1. Why you and your daughter should talk about sex a lot together.
  - If you don't talk with her about sex, she'll find her answers somewhere else.
  - Use books to help if needed
1. At least start talking about the basics of consent.
  - Your daughter is not an object - does she know this?
  - Practice consent at home.
  - Prepare for different situations
1. Define your values around sex with your daughter.
  - Do you believe in abstinence?
  - Have you defined abstinence with your daughter?
  - Do you know why you have the values you have? Does she?
  - Never use shame
2. The importance of using correct anatomical words as well as the importance of knowing the slang words.
  - You shouldn't feel uncomfortable using correct anatomical words.
  - Be a source your daughter can use when she hears words at school.
RESOURCES:
- Girls & Sex by Peggy Orenstein https://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sex-Navigating-Complicated-Landscape/dp/B01AKR8GSU/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=girls+%26+sex&qid=1588476724&s=books&sr=1-2
- A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex by Padilla-Walker, Dean M. Busby, Chelom E. Leavitt, and Jason S. Carroll https://www.amazon.com/Better-Way-Teach-Kids-About/dp/1629723738/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588476745&sr=8-1
- 30 Days of Sex Talks by Educate Empower Kids https://www.amazon.com/Days-Sex-Talks-Ages-Empowering/dp/1733604642/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588476771&sr=8-2
- Talk With Your Kids: Teaching Kids Consent Ages 1-21 https://www.talkwithyourkids.org/lets-talk-about/healthy-sex-talk-teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21.html
- Net Nanny: The Detrimental Effects of Pornography on Small Children https://www.netnanny.com/blog/the-detrimental-effects-of-pornography-on-small-children
- @kirstinbhodson (Instagram)
- @vaginapopupbook (Instagram)
- Huffington Post: Parenting in the Digital Age of Pornography https://www.huffpost.com/entry/parenting-in-the-digital-age-of-pornography_b_9301802

007 - Developing Confidence Jul 02, 2020

Show notes

We focus in this episode on ways you can help your teen daughter develop confidence.

What confidence is and how it can change EVERYTHING.
- Confidence is the belief that you’ll be successful or make the right choice in a particular situation. Act courageously!
- Confidence is nuanced – we can have confidence in some areas but not in others.
- Confident people are not necessarily loud, athletic, or popular – quiet, average people can be very confident.
- Confidence affects everything – confident teens are more likely to be assertive, positive, and persistent.
Confidence is like a muscle – it can grow.
- We can improve confidence with practice
- 3 Tips on developing confidence: pictures success, growth mindset, and practice failure.
How parents can help.
- Create strategy
- Make friends with fear
- Try to new things
- Keep trying after failure
- Be good example
- Fake it ’til you make it
- Be able to disagree
- Have lots of conversations

RESOURCES:

How to Build Confidence in Teenagers, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/social-emotional-development/confidence-in-teens
Adolescence and Self-Confidence, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201306/adolescence-and-self-confidence
Roosevelt, Eleanor. This Is My Story. Dolphin Books, 1961.
Roosevelt, Eleanor. You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life. HarperCollins Publishers, 2016. https://www.amazon.com/You-Learn-Living-Eleven-Fulfilling/dp/0062061577/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=eleanor+roosevelt+you+learn+by+living&qid=1593560775&sr=8-2
Amy Adkins, 3 Tips to Boost Your Confidence, Ted Talk Ed, https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_adkins_3_tips_to_boost_your_confidence/transcript?language=en#t-241833
The Confidence Podcast, Blackwell, Trish, host.
Confidence in Teenagers, https://www.healthyfamiliesbc.ca/home/articles/confidence-teens#:~:text=Having%20confidence%20helps%20teenagers%20make,%2C%20engaged%2C%20enthusiastic%20and%20persistent.
Amy Cuddy, Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are, Ted Talk, , https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are?language=e

006 - Orthorexia with Emily Fonnesbeck, RD Jun 25, 2020

Show notes

We interviewed dietician, Emily Fonnesbeck, for this episode. We discussed with Emily all about the eating disorder orthorexia – what it is, how to prevent it, and what to do if you’re worried about your daughter:

What orthorexia is.

- Orthorexia is not an official diagnosis, but is a new term to describe the growing obsession with perfect eating
- Defining orthorexia can help validate that the struggles someone is having are real and pathological, not normal
- Emily gives tips on how to talk about what this is with your teenage daughter.

How to prevent orthorexia.
- Recognize that eating disorders are bio-psycho-social
- We don't have control over the biological aspect that can make our daughters more vulnerable to getting an eating disorder
- We can't prevent the psychological vulnerabilities - but we can help our daughters manage their psychological tendencies (such as perfectionism)
- We can help our daughters with the social pressures toward eating disorders by giving them a safe place where food and bodies are good and accepted

What to do if you suspect your daughter might be struggling.
- Don’t hesitate to get professional help – do not try to replace a dietician and/or therapist
- Validate and reframe her struggles
- Pay attention to how mentally flexible and receptive she is

RESOURCES:

Emily Fonnesbeck Website: www.emilyfonnesbeck.com
Eat Confident Collective Website: https://eatconfident.co/
Emily Fonnesbeck Instagram: @emilyfonnesbeck_rd
Eat Confident Collective Instagram: @eatconfident.co
Steven Bratman, www.orthorexia.com, “Health Food Junkies: Orthorexia Nervosa – the Health Food Eating Disorder” https://www.amazon.com/Health-Food-Junkies-Orthorexia-Disorder/dp/0767905857/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=orthorexia&qid=1592859585&sr=8-3

005 - Understanding Loneliness Jun 18, 2020

Show notes

This episode focuses on understanding loneliness in the teenage years. The talking points include:

Loneliness is common - especially in your teens.
- Young people suffer from loneliness more than any other age group.
- Loneliness can occur even when we’re surrounded by people. It’s a feeling of being disconnected - not seen, not heard, not understood.
Understanding negative impacts of loneliness.
- Depression
- Higher risks for substance abuse or risky behavior
- Physical problems can even happen because of loneliness.
Understanding the benefits of loneliness.
- Creates empathy
- A chance to get to know yourself and connect with YOU
- An opportunity to try new groups and people and adventures
Things to do when you feel lonely.
- Name it to tame it
- Focus on connection rather than numbers of people
- Get creative
- Take care of yourself (sleep and exercise)
- And more...

RESOURCES:

Kids Helpline: Coping with Loneliness https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/coping-with-loneliness
Baya Voce: The Simple Cure For Loneliness (Ted Talk) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSXh1YfNyVA
Brene Brown, Daring Greatly https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/B07DX6TNR1/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1588458274&sr=8-1
Brene Brown, Rising Strong https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strong-Reckoning-Rumble-Revolution/dp/0812995821/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588458348&sr=1-1
Why Are Teens So Lonely And What Can They Do To Combat Loneliness https://www.mghclaycenter.org/parenting-concerns/teenagers/why-are-teens-so-lonely-and-what-can-they-do-to-combat-loneliness/
Newport Academy: How to Recognize Loneliness in Teenagers https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/loneliness-in-teenagers/

004 - Teens and Anxiety Jun 11, 2020

Show notes

This conversation is all about anxiety and how you can best talk about it with your teen girl. The three talking points include:

Anxiety is normal.
- Feeling anxious is a normal emotion
- Sometimes you need professional help
- There are purposes and benefits to anxiety
Anxiety is not permanent
- Emotions are like waves, not fires.
- Learning to recognize it, accept it, and go through it
Ways to manage anxiety
- Many ideas on how parents can help teens manage anxiety

RESOURCES:

Adolescent Girls and Anxiety https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/adolescent-girls-and-anxiety
Anxiety and Depression in Adolescence https://childmind.org/report/2017-childrens-mental-health-report/anxiety-depression-adolescence/
5 Ways to Deal With Anxiety (For Teens) https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/anxiety-tips.html
Anxiety in Teens: What It Is & How To Help https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/mental-health-physical-health/stress-anxiety-depression/anxiety
Anxiety and Teen Girls https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/anxiety-teen-girls
Overcoming Anxiety, Jonas Kolker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1anXJhVamc

003 - Learning How to Talk to Your White Teen About Racisim Jun 04, 2020

Show notes

This episode focuses on learning how to talk to your white teen about racism. The talking points include:

We need to talk about racism and white privilege

- Racism is bigger than conscious hate
- Talking about race with our teen girls gives them the ability to filter their world
- All whites have white privilege

Tips for keeping the conversation open
- Avoid either/or and good/bad talking when discussing racism
- Be an example and talk about race in culture and media
- Encourage activism

Resource ideas for educating yourselves
- Talk with your daughter about ways you are going to educate yourselves
- List of resources that we're starting with
- Don't stop here!

RESOURCES:

Will Smith: Racism is Not Getting Worse, It's Getting Filmed https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/will-smith-colbert-race-relations-obama-politics-sings-summertime-916816
How To Talk To Your Children About Protests and Racism https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/01/health/protests-racism-talk-to-children-wellness/index.html
Scott Woods Articles https://scottwoodsmakeslists.wordpress.com
Scott Woods' Definition of Racism https://scottwoodsmakeslists.wordpress.com/2014/01/03/5-things-no-one-is-actually-saying-about-ani-difranco-or-plantations/
Dr. Robin Silverman (Interviewing Dr. Margaret Hagerman), How to Talk To Kids About Anything Podcast, Talking to White Kids About Race & Racism, https://safespaceradio.com/talking-to-white-kids-about-race-racism/
How to Be an Antiracist, Ibram X. Kendi, https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Antiracist-Ibram-Kendi/dp/0525509283/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1591157704&sr=8-1
White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism , Robin DiAngelo, https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414/ref=sr_1_1?crid=99W8UKXLT0R1&dchild=1&keywords=white+fragility&qid=1591157823&sprefix=white+frag%2Caps%2C185&sr=8-1
37 children's Book About Racism, https://coloursofus.com/37-childrens-books-to-help-talk-about-racism-discrimination/
Just Mercy, Bryan Stevenson, https://www.amazon.com/Just-Mercy-Story-Justice-Redemption/dp/081298496X/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=just+mercy&qid=1591157895&sr=8-1
Instagram Accounts:
- - - @Therapyforblackgirls
    - @Ethelsclub
    - @Equalitylabs
    - @Colorofchange
    - @Blacknationapp
    - @blklivesmatter
    - @eji_org

002 - What Our Bodies Can DO May 28, 2020

Show notes

The conversation in this episode is about body image. It’s a huge topic, so we decided to start by focusing on what our bodies can do more than what they look like. The three talking points include:

What is body checking and why it’s harmful
- Body checking is monitoring yourself from an outsider's perspective even if no one else is looking
- Body checking hurts us because we aren’t fully present in anything that we’re doing.
How to reduce body checking.
- Focusing on experiencing life in our bodies rather that how our bodies look while we’re doing things
- Ideas on how to reduce body checking
Why the types of compliments we give matter
- Compliments on bodies bring attention to our bodies
- Ideas for non-appearance based compliments

RESOURCES:

Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women by Renee Engeln https://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Sick-Cultural-Obsession-Appearance/dp/B06XBPP6GW/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=beauty+sick&qid=1587772913&sr=8-1
An Epidemic of Beauty Sickness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63XsokRPV_Y
Body Positivity or Body Obsession? Learning to See More & Be More https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDowwh0EU4w

001 - The Teenage Brain May 21, 2020

Show notes

The conversation in this episode covers how a teen brain and an adult brain differ and what the pros and cons are of each way of thinking. The three talking points include:

The main differences between teen and adult brains.
- Teens use their amygdala and adults use their prefrontal cortex (emotional vs. rational)
- The brain doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s
- Teens are more prone to risk taking (Look for a reward of trying something dangerous without the ability to register risks)
A teenage brain is primed to learn.
- Their brain is capable of adaptation and learning - it acts like a sponge.
- Addiction risks are strong because the brain soaks it up

Because teens feel things more deeply, they are more vulnerable to stress.
- Understanding why they are feeling stress so deeply can help ease the worry
- Tool #1: Mindfulness
- Tool #2: Sleep

RESOURCES:

The Teen Brain: 7 Things to Know https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know/index.shtml
Teenage Brain Development https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens
Health Effects of Teen Substance Abuse https://www.addictioncenter.com/teenage-drug-abuse/health-effects-teen-substance-abuse/

BONUS - Tips For Effective Conversations Apr 28, 2020

Show notes

This bonus episode includes 6 tips for having effective conversations with your daughter. The whole goal of this podcast is to have conversations, but if those conversations aren't effective, than we won't be reaching our daughters like we want to.

The 6 tips we discuss are:

Listen more than you talk
Don't react strongly when they share things with you
Be okay with who your teen is right now
Don't try to fix their problems
Do something while you talk
Don't talk when either of you are emotional

Resources: - Gregory L. Jantz Ph.D., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201404/9-tips-communicating-your-teenage-son - Parent and Teen, Keep Teens Talking https://parentandteen.com/keep-teens-talking-learn-to-listen/

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