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A few weeks ago I got a chance to interview the lovely Antia Boyd from Magnetize Your Man and I have to say I was blown away. Now, I know that’s something I’ve said before when I’ve introduced other experts to the community but this girl is on a whole different level. Usually whenever I interview someone I learn something new but I don’t really put it into practice. There were multiple times throughout this interview with Antia where it felt like a lightbulb went off and I honestly had my mind blown. So, without further ado I’d like to introduce you to Antia Boyd! What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Attachment Theory With Antia Boyd Take her free quiz here Visit her website here Sign up for coaching with her here Chris:Okay, so today we’re going to be talking to Antia Boyd who, I had the pleasure of talking to about a week ago, we just sort of got to know each other. And it was really interesting, I really loved the way that you kind of structured our relationship. The way you sort of described it was, you’re often taking the clients that I’ll get before they go on the break up, and I kind of get them after. So, I would just love to pick your mind today specifically about some of the attachment styles, and really an interesting thing I’m noticing with my coaching clients. But, first off, how are you doing? Antia Boyd:So good Chris, I’m so excited to be here, we’re just past Labor Day weekend so we’re all ready to rock and roll. You know get back at the thing, get your ex back, let’s go. Chris:Yeah. So, why don’t you tell us first a little bit about the magnetize your man method. Because she’s, first off the coolest name ever right? Magnetize your man. And second off, what exactly do you help women do when they come into your orbit? Antia Boyd:Yeah, totally, totally. Yeah. So I actually developed the magnetize your man method from my own pain. I was struggling myself, attracting a lot of emotionally unavailable men, which you ladies can relate to, because you probably have breakups because of that, right? And I developed a structure which is basically mapping, magnifying and manifesting. So, one thing that needs to happen, we don’t know what we don’t know, right? So you don’t know your blind spots, you don’t know I do lots of different readings and look at the human being at many different levels. I studied personality psychology at UC Berkeley, and really understanding what is our internal dialogue? How’s it translates into action or it doesn’t translate into action, right? And also, how are we distorting actually our reality all the time? Antia Boyd:So that’s what the mapping stage really looks at. It also looks at what, are your unique gifts? Because we always believe, once we go through a breakup, we have nothing to fall back on, right? Like our manesty is the all be all end all- Chris:Right, right. Antia Boyd:… But it actually a teach in the mapping phase like, how many resources you have, particularly personally, so it’s personal to every single person, for yourself that you can totally rely on? Maybe you’re incredibly intuitive, or maybe you’re incredibly an incredible connector, whatever it is, but that’s what we uncover too. So you can build that intrinsic confidence, instead of just the extrinsic one, right? That of course, so many women have. Chris:So I’m really fascinated not only by your work but, I’m fascinated to get your take on something that I, I don’t know scientifically how to describe this concept, but it’s something that I’ve noticed a huge pattern in. So here’s kind of the interesting thing I’ve been doing lately. So one of the really cool benefits of having a pretty good audience is, you’ll get the opportunity to talk to a lot of people who actually succeed in getting their exes back. Now, we can debate the merits on, if you should be getting an ex back later but, I’m kind of interested in dissecting specifically, what did they do versus the people who were not successful? Chris:And one interesting pattern I’m noting is, a lot of what you’re talking about, which is like that internal value that they kind of get after the breakup but, there’s also this really interesting phenomenon occurring where, most of the time they’ll start out with the blinders on, where they want to get their exes back and then, slowly but surely as they go through my program, and they kind of focus a little bit more on other things, as opposed to their ex, they kind of get to this point where they’re just like, “I don’t want them back anymore.” And then the ex comes back. So I’m kind of curious to get your take on it. I’ve been asking everyone because it’s something, when I’m interviewing these success stories, it’s something I consistently see happen. They get to like this internal mindset shift where they’re just like, I don’t care about him anymore, and then he comes back. So do you have any maybe scientific explanation for that? I mean, it’s okay if you don’t, I’m just kind of curious to pick your mind. Antia Boyd:Oh, yeah. I mean, we can really feel when somebody is attached to an outcome, so I studied attachment style theories under Mary Ainsworth, who was of course, under the [inaudible 00:04:28] of Mary Ainsworth, sorry, who of course was studying under john Bowlby. And so, um, whoops, by the way, you don’t know John Bowlby. And so, who was by the way you don’t know John Bowlby, he is the grandfather of the soul attachment style theory, that’s where everything started. And so, what oftentimes happens, men can feel when you’re attached, right? They can feel it because you’re coming from desperation, you’re coming from fear, and you’re coming also from a place of potentially resentment, but it’s a negative emotion. And it’s interesting but, men are actually much more intuitive than we give them credit for, and they can feel when you let go of that attachment. Antia Boyd:And that attachment then actually means trust, connection, and you’re coming from a place of love. And who doesn’t want to go back … Like think about it this way Chris, would you rather go back to a place of, if you come back to me, you got a lot of love, or if you come back to me, you got a lot of fear and a lot of resentment and- Chris:Right. Antia Boyd:… A lot of like constriction, you know? Chris:Yeah, that makes sense. So this is a fascinating topic because, anytime I bring up attachment theory, or attachment styles within our private Facebook group, or to my clients, they eat it up, they love this stuff. But, when you’re talking about like the cues that men can pick up on, how are those cues picked up on exactly? Are they just looking at specific types of communication like tone of voice and things of that nature, or is there more to it than that? Antia Boyd:Yeah. I mean sometimes it’s actually over time people actually create a telepathic connection. Think about it this way, you think about a person and they call you. How do you explain that right? Chris:Right, right. Antia Boyd:But we do have like, and we see it all the time in releasing a person workshops, things like that where, the guy calls afterwards, they didn’t know that you were in a- Chris:Right, right, there’s no way they knew it’s just … And then yeah, I mean, we see that all the time where it’s like you know, you’ve probably seen it in your life just like I’ve seen it, where you’re thinking, or you’re watching a video about something that you hadn’t seen in a long time, and then you go out walking and all of a sudden, that’s all you can see. Antia Boyd:Right, right, the reticular activating system, right? Absolutely. Chris:So I’m curious, so this is kind of more of a philosophical question at this point but let’s say you are going through life where, you’ve just watched this movie or something that you hadn’t seen in years, and then you’re going through life, and all of a sudden you just see all these things about this movie, that you hadn’t seen in years. Is it a function of, kind of that aspect being drawn to you, or you being a little bit more aware and being able to pick up those cues? Antia Boyd:Yeah, that’s such a good question because a lot of women actually think, if the guy calls that means they’re meant to be, to be better, right? Chris:Right. Antia Boyd:And that’s not necessarily true. It could also be scientifically explained through what is it called? What I’m looking for? Metaphysical principles, right? Chris:Okay, yeah. Antia Boyd:And so how I see it so, I so relate to this because, I would break up with a guy sort of, I mean I was thinking my whole life, but I was always dating and you know- Chris:You’re married now though to a great husband. Antia Boyd:Yeah, husband is here, yeah. Chris:This woman has the answers guys. Antia Boyd:I have all the answers, [inaudible 00:07:33] me. And I went through a lot of pain, because I would literally drive down the street, and then I would see a street name with the name of that guy. Then I would be like, oh, Chris, it’s a sign. Chris:It’s meant to be. Antia Boyd:He’s my soulmate right? Or like, I don’t know. Chris:You’re preaching to the choir with my audience, because I can’t tell you how often I see stuff like that where they’re just like, “But it’s a sign, we have to be together.” But you’re saying it’s not necessarily true. Antia Boyd:No, it’s not true. So what I always would say is like just, you can write it down in your journal, just as a marker. There’s this really great book it’s called When God Winks on Love, and it talks about that. Like those winks that we get, but we don’t necessarily take action on them. It’s fun to look back and be like, oh, wow, all along I got sent those signs, but it doesn’t mean now get attached to something. So, I would see it as more oh, I’m on the right track, whether it’s this guy or he’s the bridge to the next guy, but how I would such a see it as more, I’m on the right track. Like I’m doing something right. Something is in the flow, I don’t know what that something is, because you don’t know if Joe is just a opener to, I don’t know, George, right? Chris:Correct. Antia Boyd:And [inaudible 00:08:46] see this guy again, or remind yourself of something, have some sort of resolution with him, and then meet the real guy that really- Chris:So, no, no, no, I really love your explanation, and I think, I’ve done so many coaching sessions with people to know kind of their reaction when I try to explain the principle, the Joe versus the George, it’s sort of like, well, I think a lot of times they get so hung up on trying to get their ex back, that they don’t realize maybe that one person is not the best for them in the long term. So how do you get someone to maybe open up their blinders a little bit, to seeing the world from a 30,000 foot perspective, as opposed to just taking it like one little thing at a time? Antia Boyd:Right, right. I love this so much. I call this the meter perspective, like, well you have the macro perspective versus the micro perspective, where you’re caught up in the weeds, right? Chris:Yeah, yeah. Antia Boyd:And so part of it is actually like seeing, okay, well, let’s say you get Frank back, but you know, you’re going to go through this pattern all the time where he doesn’t call you every week or, you don’t know where he is on Saturday night. So imagine this would go on for 10 years, would you be okay with that? Because I think when we think we want to get back with our ex, we think, we just idealize the scenario, right? But we forget to actually acknowledge well, what were all the things that I didn’t like? What were all the things that caused so much anxiety, we’re talking about attachment styles today, right? That caused so much anxiety, mistrust, insecurity inside of yourself, that really, you want to live like that for the rest of your life? Antia Boyd:So actually saying yes to it, not saying no, you can’t have it, or you shouldn’t have it but actually like, great, let’s say you’re going to get it. Let’s say Frank comes back. But Frank is not going to change. Frank is going to stay the same, he may change for two weeks or three weeks, and then [inaudible 00:10:37] go back into his patterns. Chris:So that’s an interesting point you bring up. Because I’ve noticed that what usually happens in most … So, I’ve noticed about half of people who get back together will break up again within the first three months. And what I’ve noticed is, when you study the half of the people that kind of don’t stay together for a long term time, usually there is an immediate change at the beginning, but slowly but surely they kind of get back into their old habits that caused the relationship. But let’s say theoretically that you wanted to get Frank back, we’ll use Frank as our obligatory ex boyfriend, Frank. So, let’s say we want to get Frank back, and you succeed in getting Frank back, what would have to occur for Frank to change his ways to basically pull his weight in the relationship? Or is that even possible do you think? Antia Boyd:Well, so it really depends on if he chose to come back with you or if you guilt tripped him into it, which I’m sure- Chris:Okay, that’s a good thing. Antia Boyd:… About it, right? Chris:Yeah, yeah. Antia Boyd:It’s like making sure, particularly if he’s more the avoidance, so if you’re listening to this, you’re maybe more anxious side of things and just like, anticipating, checking your phone every two seconds, and Frank may be more like, I need space. I need my weekends, I need my buddies, I need my world, and so then what needs to happen for you is for one, you need to change the dynamic with you. Now how do you do that? Well for one, you have to really work on your own insecurity inside of yourself. And one thing that I talk about is, how to become secure in your insecurities. So not like fighting against it like, oh, I feel shame right now, oh my God I should like use one of those shame shields, attacking or pretending it didn’t happen. Antia Boyd:Or, I feel, I don’t know, somebody just said I’m selfish, oh no, no, I’m a giver and I’m generous, and just constantly going against feeling insecure versus actually really leaning into that. Chris:So, this is something that we actually talked about last week when we just were getting to know each other and it turned into like this three hour, hubbub back and forth where were just … It was a really great conversation, we probably should have filmed that one. But- Antia Boyd:Totally should have. Chris:… This was something that you taught me that I really hadn’t thought about before which is like, I think a lot of women and men for that matter, when they’re going through breakups, they feel a lot of guilt, shame, things like that, and they hyper focus on their insecurities or the things that they did wrong. And, I really loved your theory because I talk about a lot about this theory called the ungettable girl. So it’s like for women strive to be this ungettable girl to where you’re kind of like above men, you don’t put them on pedestals, they’re kind of equals. And, I think I just love that concept of like, kind of owning your insecurities. So, do you think you could talk a little bit more about someone who’s having a really hard time doing that? Chris:Because I think someone listening to this are like, oh, yeah, that sounds super cool, but when it comes to owning something that you’ve been insecure about your entire life, it’s not like we’re going to snap our fingers and it’s just going to fix. So what kind of strategies can someone have or use to own their insecurities? Antia Boyd:Totally. So I’ll give you an example. So I grew up in an emotionally absent household. So my mom was rather narcissistic and the core message was, don’t bother me. So the last thing that I want to be have all kinds of insecurities around like being too much, and I mean I used to, still as always like residuals. But there’s this like, don’t be too much, don’t ask for too mu…
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