The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

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What To Do When A Long Term Relationship Ends Abruptly Jul 12, 2021

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Today, we’re going to be talking about a little bit more of a general topic, and that’s what to do when a long-term relationship ends abruptly. I guess the reason that I wanted to talk about this is because oftentimes there’s not a lot of people in the industry that do talk about this. So what I’ve done for you is I’ve put together a list of reasons for why exes end up ending long-term relationships. We’re going to talk in depth about those reasons, but more importantly, I think there’s this need for closure or there’s a need for, what do I do next? Oftentimes, the people coming to this website are caught in this crossroads where a part of them wants to just simply get over their ex, get over their breakup, and then the other half wants to win their exes back. So what we’re going to do is help you understand what’s really going on in your ex’s head on why they ended a long-term relationship, rather abruptly. Then after we’re done doing that, we’re going to give you some advice. Rather, I’m going to give you some advice on how to go forward and making a decision that’s best for you. So let’s go back in time and revisit your breakup. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Understanding Why Your Long Term Ex Broke Up With You So ultimately, I’ve put together a list of 10 reasons for why an ex would abruptly end a long-term relationship. I think the keyword there is long-term. We’re not talking about a relationship that just started three months ago. We’re talking most of the time long-term relationships that have lasted a year to years. Why would an ex all of a sudden come out of the blue and say, “I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want this relationship anymore.” We’ve compiled a list of the top reasons for why this might occur. They think they can do better than you The stability vs. mystery scale Things have grown kind of boring The pressure of settling down They’ve learned everything about you and there are no more layers to peel back Their feelings aren’t the same as they once were The relationship has grown so toxic Reality vs. Expectations Flirting or cheating Anxious behaviors: Anxious attachments tend to get overly attached to their partners Place extreme emphasis on romantic relationships Have a harder time getting over a breakup Common behaviors include being clingy, demanding, jealous, or easily upset by small issues. Let’s begin! Reason #1: They Think They Can Do Better Than You So the first reason is I think the most obvious one, which is they think they can do better than you. Now, this one is sort of the universal reason I like to teach my clients or talk to my clients about, because what is a breakup, if not an admission that someone thinks that they can do better than you? The Interdependence Theory teaches us that human beings are very cost and benefit-oriented when it comes to our own personal love lives. We’re always looking for someone that can bring the most benefit, but reduce the most costs. Usually, when you’re making a decision like that, you’re looking at three types of criteria, how satisfied you are in the relationship, are there better alternatives out there, and how much you’ve invested into the relationship. What’s interesting about that is if you’ve invested a lot into the relationships, which a long-term relationship would seem to lend credence to that fact, usually that is the most important factor. You can be unsatisfied in the relationship. You can believe that there’s a better alternative out there, but if you have invested so much into the relationship, it always kind of causes you to stay longer. What’s happening here is if your ex can think they can do better than you, usually we’re finding that they’re pretty checked out by the time that they are having these thoughts. Now, there’s always a wavelength difference. You oftentimes don’t realize that this is going on and it kind of catches you off guard because you’re on a different wavelength than them. But usually, the signs to kind of check for here isn’t so much that they’re flirting with other people though, that can happen and we’re going to talk about that in a little bit. It’s more the fact that they’re checked out. They’re not as interested in spending time with you anymore. They’re not buying gifts that they may be did at the beginning of the relationship because that shows monetary investment. Those are the kinds of things that you want to keep an eye out for. Those are the kinds of things that oftentimes lead up to them, starting to think, “You know what? There is someone better out there for me. I can find someone that can meet my needs better.” Ultimately, this is the ultimate version of the grass is greener syndrome, which we’ve talked a lot about. But let’s move on to reason number two, which is the stability and mystery scale. Reason #2: The Stability And Mystery Scale So this is a concept that I came up with a couple of years ago that basically highlights something that we’ve seen across breakups when we’ve started studying breakups and that’s the fact that there’s this paradox that exists within each human being. We each have a need for stability. We want someone that you can kind of curl up on the couch with when it’s raining, sit in all day and just watch Netflix. Sometimes there’s no greater beauty than having someone that you don’t want to go out with. Sometimes you just want to stay in. Now, if that sounds like a nightmare to you, don’t worry. I’ve got you covered because that’s where the adventure and the mystery comes into play. So we have this need for stability, but we also have this need for spontaneity and adventure and excitement and adrenaline. Sometimes these needs are competing and I always try to tell my clients that each person has an individual percentage in which they kind of gravitate towards. So sometimes people will be 60% stability, 40% mystery. That’s what they’re looking for in a partner. Sometimes people want to be 80% mystery, 20% stability. But what almost always happens is when your ex falls in love with you, they’re falling in love with potentially the thing that you aren’t. So subconsciously, maybe you recognize that your ex loves to go out. They’re very extracurricular. They’re very extroverted if you will. So you play to that, but it’s not who you are internally. So as you enter this long-term relationship with your ex, they’re going to sit there and expect you to be spontaneous all the time but if that’s not who you are, and you kind of naturally gravitate back towards your stability side, which a lot of people think it’s boring, but I don’t think so. I think it’s more just like I’m always going to be there for you. That can kind of turn an ex off because they’re going to sit there and think, “You’re not who you were at the beginning of the relationship,” and that can be a reason that sort of the cracks begin to form and they can end a long-term relationship abruptly. Reason #3: Things Have Grown Boring Reason number three is that things have grown kind of boring. This is actually specifically meant for long-term relationships because oftentimes in long-term relationships, you do get stuck into those routines and if you’re in a long-term relationship, especially if you’re living together with your ex or living together with your partner, sometimes things have a tendency to grow quite boring. You want more of that mystery. You want more of that spontaneity and when it doesn’t come, that kind of creates this narrative within where you’re sitting there and thinking, “You know what? I’m not sure I want to do this anymore.” I think one interesting thing that not a lot of people talk about is the fact that most of the time, when an ex breaks up with you, they’re not going to tell you the real reason for why they broke up with you. They fear that you won’t be able to handle the truth. So they make up half-truths. They tell you half of the puzzle, so to speak and you’re left trying to reach in the dark, trying to understand, “Well, why did they leave me?” Well, it could be that you’re just, the routine is boring to them. They want a change. Reason #4: The Pressure Of Settling Down The fourth reason we’ve seen is the pressure of settling down. This is more specific within men than women. So what I mean by that is oftentimes women, since their time is just naturally more valuable, they’re pushing to settle down. They’re wanting marriage, they’re wanting children. They’re wanting the whole nine yards and sometimes, especially when you have avoidant exes and to kind of pause here and look at avoidance in general, people who have avoidant attachment styles really value their independence more than anything else. So anytime someone comes in and threatens that independence, they have a tendency to push their partner away. So if you’re noticing, you’re in this long-term relationship and for the first time ever, you pushed, “Hey, what are we, what are we moving towards? Are we going to get married? We don’t have to do it right now, but I just want sort of the assurance that in the future, that that could potentially happen.” If all of a sudden, your ex breaks up with you, you pretty much have an avoidant ex because you’re threatening that independence and when their independence is threatened, like I said, they tend to push you away. Now, the best thing to do with avoidant people is simply just to give them time, let them deal with their own emotions. They’re not going to have nostalgic reverie that you want them to have until they actually feel like you’ve moved on, which is this really warped way of thinking, but it helps you understand the way that they actually do think. So that was the fourth reason. Reason #5: You Have No More Layers The fifth reason is they’ve learned everything about you, and there are no more layers to peel back. This is actually something that I didn’t personally come up with. A good friend of mine came up with. So the situation goes like this. My friend, he was dating this girl and he told me that she might be the one. Things were going extremely well. The way he was talking about her, you could just tell he was madly in love. So this was during the pandemic. So we didn’t talk for a couple of months and then after a couple of months go by, we got on the phone again and we just started talking and it was great. Then I just naturally asked, I said, “Hey, how’s things going with that girl?” He told me, he said, “It’s okay,” which didn’t seem like much at the time but when you actually heard the tone of voice that he used, and just sort of like how unexcited he was, my spider-sense started tingling and I started probing, just naturally, because it’s what I do. He ultimately told me, “Yeah, you know, things just aren’t the same as they used to be,” and I got really curious because I wanted to help women specifically understand what a man goes through when they’re considering going through a breakup. He was very much considering breaking up with the girl and so I asked him, I said, “Well, what’s going on?” He said that she’s kind of shallow and I said, “Okay, well, didn’t you know that to begin with?” He said, “Yeah, but the thing was at that point, I didn’t know everything I knew about her. So it’s when I learned everything about her and I felt like I kind of bared into her soul and there were no more layers to peel back, things just kind of became boring.” I think this is kind of an interesting insight because a lot of times people don’t look at it that way. They look at it like I want to show my ex everything about me. The truth is though there is an element of mystery kind of going back to that stability and mystery scale. There’s always an element of interest when you realize there’s more layers to peel back and when you feel like you’ve gotten to the center of the person’s soul, it just becomes kind of boring. So that might be a potential reason for why your long-term relationship has ended. So you’ve been in this long-term relationship, your ex thinks that they’ve been with you and they know everything about you that there is to know, and there’s no more layers to peel back. There’s nothing more to learn. Well, we actually have ways, going forward that you can sort of fix that, but let’s move on. Reason #6: Their Feelings Aren’t The Same The sixth reason for why an ex would abruptly end a relationship is their feelings aren’t the same as they once were. Usually, this doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a very gradual thing and it does kind of, you’ll notice a lot of these reasons kind of synergize, they kind of build off one another. So kind of going forward with that peeling back the layers and there being nothing left, I think that’s sort of what happens. Okay, so … channeling for my own personal experience, I’m trying not to use names here so that I don’t offend anyone. I was dating this girl in college and we weren’t specifically in a relationship, but we were in that talking phase and I knew for a fact that she wanted to be in a relationship and at first, there were feelings from my end and from her end. But after, I guess I peeled back all the layers, I just found that the feelings I had at the beginning weren’t the same as they once were. If you’re going to ask me to be honest with you about why, I think it does directly correlate to peeling back the layers. Also, one of the other things that we’re going to talk about in a little bit is the reality versus the expectations sort of idea. But ultimately, what happens here usually is if you’re in a long-term relationship, you feel like you’ve known or know everything you can know about the person, you’ll kind of have this epiphany one day and realize, your feelings aren’t the same as they were at the beginning. This is kind of an irrational thought because the truth is no one’s feelings will ever be the same as they were at the beginning. Usually the best relationships are the ones that can overcome this and can find new ways of looking at a relationship. But for the most part, a lot of times, especially in millennials, we’re finding that after enough time goes by, if your ex learns everything there is to know about you and feels like they’ve peeled back all the layers and realizes their feelings aren’t the same as they were at the beginning, that can be a trigger for why they abruptly end a relationship. Reason #7: Relationship Has Grown Toxic So what number are we on now? 3, 4, 5, 6, reason number seven, which is the relationship has grown so toxic. I’m actually seeing this more so with two types of couples. This is the ones that are very early in college and the ones that are just two anxious people being together, anxious and avoidance being together there. Here’s how this works. Your relationship has grown so toxic. That means it’s plagued with fights. It seems like every day is another fight and sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where you are aware of the toxic aspect of it, but you’re not letting go of the relationship, you’re holding onto it, but you can’t help yourself, personally, so that you end up being the one to initiate a lot of the arguments and the fights. It almost becomes this weird dynamic and I think understanding how anger works is an important trigger for understanding why fights are happening so frequently. So here’s what we know about anger. Anger is almost like this addictive quality. It sounds weird, I know, but just bear with me here. It’s addictive because in a way it makes you feel good. So imagine a situation where you and I are dating. I say to you, “You’re dumb,” or, “Why are you so dumb?” Or, “Why are you acting that way?” That statement in and of itself is implying that you’re dumb and I’m smart. “Why are you acting so childish? You’re a child and I’m an adult,” which is really, really weird. You get what I’m saying here. Oftentimes when an ex gets angry at you, it’s their weird coping mechanism to project the pr…

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Success Story: How To Get Your Avoidant Ex Back When You’re So Anxious May 24, 2021

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If you’ve ever wondered how you can get an avoidant ex back when you’re extremely anxious then you came to the right place. Last week I had the opportunity to interview Grace, one of our success stories of the program about how she successfully won her ex back. What was interesting was how she mentioned the key to her success was getting a handle on her anxious behaviors. This is something we’ve been studying a lot lately and we believe it may be the hidden key to your success. Especially if you identify your ex as being extremely avoidant. But don’t take my word for it. Take hers! What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How She Got Her Avoidant Ex Back When She Was So Anxious Chris Seiter:Hey. Here we go. Today, we’re going to be talking to one of the success stories in our private Facebook support group, Grace. I must admit, usually I do a bunch of research to figure out people’s situations before I start talking to them. I know where I’m going to sort of ask, but with Grace, I ran out of time today. I’m going to be learning as you’re listening. How are you doing, Grace? Grace:I am good. How are you doing today? Chris Seiter:Busy, busy, but I just wanted to take a minute and thank you so much for coming on and doing this. Honestly, I like to tell this to people that I don’t really care if they followed the program to a T because really through doing these interviews, not only are we helping to inspire people who are in the same situation, but it’s also helping refine our process to actually understand what’s working in the field. I think that’s a really important thing. I’m going to ask you just questions to see where my curiosity goes, but don’t be afraid of telling me, “I tried this and it didn’t work.” I want to know that stuff. Grace:Awesome. Chris Seiter:Take us back in time to the dark days where the [inaudible 00:01:10] occurred. Grace:My boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for around a year. Actually, we had just had our anniversary maybe a week before the breakup happened. We had battled several things. He was having some struggles personally. When he would have those slip ups that would affect me. That’s when those issues would flare up. We had a series of bad luck as well. We tried a couple’s counselor who ended up trying to separate us, and we were having to go through… It was not good. We’re having to go through the process of the LLR, and having to report some of the things that he did that was inappropriate. We had some bad luck as well, along the way. The breakup, it happened on May 2nd 2020. Chris Seiter:Literally a year, a year ago. Grace:It was right a year when I wrote the Facebook post that Anna actually tagged you in and got this ball rolling. I was just thinking back on it, because we just got back from Hawaii. I was like, you know what? Just pondering about this day and just thought that I would write a Facebook post about it because it was just interesting how much had happened in this past year. We had been struggling for that year. Things started out very fast and very, very good between us. We meshed very well, very quickly. I think that that contributed to when the hard times came. They were that much more difficult. Because we essentially didn’t see any flaws in each other immediately and we moved pretty quickly because of how well things went. When he started going through… I’m sorry. Chris Seiter:I was going to say, when you say you move real quickly, are you talking in terms of how there’s always that honeymoon period where everything’s really great. Are you saying you literally move quickly to the point where you’re moving in together and things of that nature? Grace:Yeah. That happened too. He works at the gym that I go to, and that’s how we met each other. He does management there and he stopped me one day. It was a very odd encounter that I hadn’t had. I’d always known someone before I started seeing them. He was actually just this like super tall, a former athlete, handsome guy that just randomly asked me for my phone number and I’m this person in law enforcement from a small town that doesn’t… I was like, what? It was almost like a fairy tale type of thing for me initially. Chris Seiter:I take that. Grace:As soon as he got my phone number and we started texting back and forth, he arranged a date for the following weekend. Then after that we started seeing each other, every chance that we got. We didn’t really take it slow, like, “Hey, let’s go on a date once or twice a week.” It was like, I want to see you every single day because it was almost like we just had this amazing attraction to each other where we just couldn’t not see each other when we had the opportunity. Then unfortunately with him, he had a roommate who ended up selling their house. The guy ended up selling their house very quickly, and he had to leave very quickly. Coincidentally, my roommate at the time, she was in military and she deployed. It just worked- Chris Seiter:Just aligned. The thing is like, “Oh, why don’t we just move in together?” There you are. Grace:I was like this is so much easier. It’ll help with bills and all of that stuff. We met in March of 2019. We started officially dating in April of 2019. Then we moved in together by late July 2019. It was very quick. Chris Seiter:[inaudible 00:05:13] together. That is moving fast. The attraction is definitely there. Grace:Definitely. I think at that point we hadn’t had the chance as well to see some of the day-to-day things. I don’t like the way this person brushes their teeth, or those types of examples of little nitpicky things. Chris Seiter:That comes out when you move in together pretty quickly. Grace:That came out at the same times as the things that he was struggling with came out personally. I didn’t know how to handle those things as well. Then when we would have these arguments about these things, or when we go through these struggles, I was finding myself, which I didn’t know at the time, but I learned through ERP, which was, I was going through an anxious attachment style when we would have these issues and that he would be avoidant. He would be wanting space, but I would be afraid that, “Oh, you’re going to go mess up again if you’re out of my sight.” It was very much not meshing well that how I was giving him that space. Chris Seiter:What’s really fascinating about what you just said is we have found, if you’re going to type cast our clients with their exes, it’s almost always anxious client avoid an ex. It almost always it is that. There’s fireworks when they get together, but then it’s like, “When it breaks apart, it just breaks apart pretty bad. Grace:That is exactly what happened. Chris Seiter:Let’s fast forward and take us to that moment because obviously how were you living together before things start to get really… You keep alluding to this issue that he’s struggling with. I’m assuming you’re like the, well, let’s fix it. I want to fix it. Are you that type of a person? Grace:Yes. It was an issue mainly that I didn’t know how to fix. I didn’t realize… I mentioned earlier, he was a former athlete. Well, he played football. When he played football in college, he got hurt really badly. He had several back surgeries. With that it was at a time that college sports were very much about their making money and their team and all of that. Chris Seiter:I hate to break you. They’re still like that. Grace:Still like that. He was getting fed pain medication, and they didn’t know that he had a bulging disrupted disc, whatever it’s called in his lower back. Chris Seiter:The pain meds were just making it to where he didn’t feel it. Grace:Well, the doctor on the team actually… Side note, he ended up getting fired because he didn’t realize what was going on. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t allowed to see another doctor than the team doctor. He had actually ended up in the ER. The doctor got fired, and it was a big old mess. In the meantime, they kept feeding him pain medication to get him through these games. They were like, “You’ve got to play. We need all of these ticket sales and all of that.” Due to that, he actually ended up getting so injured that it ended his career because he kept playing through that. Then the mixture of ending his career as well as getting back pain medication that was his pick me up. He actually ended up in an addiction because of that. Chris Seiter:I’ve actually experienced this myself with… I think it was before we started recording. I mentioned I had four surgeries. My surgeries were not small surgery. They were major ones. I ended up having to go hunt down one of the best doctors in the entire country, one of the best surgeons to fix it. One thing that you get hooked on the pain meds, like the narcotic type stuff they give you because you’re in so much pain all the time. It’s really easy to get hooked onto it. I remember having trouble as well with that. I can definitely empathize. Grace:It was something that was so unnatural or it was very a new, I guess, experience for me. I had never been in that type of situation. Like I’ve got to mention I was- Chris Seiter:Because you’re in law enforcement, so how ironic is that? Grace:I was in a very tough spot of, “Oh my gosh, I love this person. I want to help this person, but I don’t want to… We live together. Something can come to where I’m.” It was a very hard position for me to be in. On top of like you were saying with the pain aspect of it, he was going through the depression of losing his identity because he thought, “Oh my gosh, I’m going from division one college to being a quarterback in the NFL.” That’s what he thought. Then that all came crashing down. It was also making him feel better emotionally or psychologically. Chris Seiter:There’s always a pick me up with those type of medicines. I think that’s honestly why most people get addicted to them because of… It’s almost like you get really, really… This is a weird turn to the breakup conversation. You almost get really like you’re in the best mood possible for four or five hours. Then it wears off. I was lucky in the fact that the meds they gave me would make me extremely nauseous after- Grace:After taking them. Chris Seiter:It just got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. Though, the craving was always there. I definitely empathize with it. That’s incredibly difficult too when you add in the identity loss aspect. Then he’s there with you. You’re just like, how do you fix that? Grace:It was very, like I said… Sorry, can you still see me? Chris Seiter:No, no, you’re good. Grace:It was very difficult because I wanted to help. In times like that, he was honest with me when we first started seeing each other. He told me that he had had this issue in the past, and he told me that he had gone to rehab and that it had been two and a half years. He was good and clean and all. It did turn out that there were weak moments. What he claims is that he cannot get anything past me being in law enforcement that I just always know when he’s guilty or I always know when- Chris Seiter:You got the bomb sniffing dog in the house just to do the- Grace:He was like, ‘You don’t understand. I never got anything past you.” I would always sense something. I could sense something was off with him. I could sense something didn’t add up like, “Oh, where did this money go?” There was always something that I could sense. That was really where those struggles came in really difficult. I didn’t honestly know how to handle that. I hadn’t been in that situation. I was in anxious attachment style. Then naturally the way that I am is I like to control things in life. I don’t mean a controlling crazy psycho person, but controlling it, I like to control what’s going on because I want things done my way because I think my way is the right way. Chris Seiter:You want to be the master of your own fate. Grace:That’s how I naturally am. The anxious part, that part, and then having natural suspicions being in law enforcement. It was just this huge, and I didn’t know how to handle those situations. It was this huge… I was this overwhelming just super cloud of anxiety over him. He just couldn’t handle that. Chris Seiter:Was there ever a confrontation where you would just sort of boil over and be like you got to get help or something like that? Grace:Yeah, there were several where that happened. Sorry, I’m going to grab my charger. There were several where I was saying, “You’ve got to get help. You’ve got to do this. You’ve got to do that.” At the same time I’m spouting all these things off, and I don’t really know what I’m talking about. It was hard because I wanted it done my way, and I didn’t really understand how to deal with someone in that type of crisis. Chris Seiter:Also, it’s difficult because it’s true like a situation where the messenger gets shot, they almost have to learn it on their own. Forcing them to do something that they don’t want to do, it doesn’t always work out so great. I’m assuming this all boils up and eventually who breaks up with who? Grace:He broke up with me. Like I said- Chris Seiter:You’re just trying to help. Grace:I know. I was like, how did this… Regardless, it was the middle of COVID so, of course, that was just wonderful. He had gone to work. The gym wasn’t open because of COVID. However, they still had employees going in and just doing some admin stuff because they were able to do that much here. He’s gone to work and come home. I’d seen a therapist for a while because I have anxiety really bad. I see somebody and I had talked to her that morning. When he got home, he normally talked to me about my session because I’m normally uplifted in a good mood and all of that. When that happened, when he got there, I was like, “Hey, I had my therapy session today and I just noticed something was off.” He didn’t ask me about my session. He wasn’t really interested in the session and- Chris Seiter:Body language is disinterested. Grace:Right. I kind questioned him about it. He was like, nothing, I’m just tired. He went to get in the shower. When he did that his phone went off, and I just out of just a reaction, I just looked over and the preview of it on the screen was an email and it had his name. It said, thank you for your interest in these apartment complexes. Chris Seiter:What a way to find out. If there’s ever a way to truly find a way to center a breakup and an action, that would be it right there. Grace:It was not fun. Chris Seiter:That’s awful. Looking back, it’s a fun story to tell. Look over and see this apartment thing, but in the moment if that happened to me. I’d be having a panic attack right there. Grace:Oh my heart sunk. Chris Seiter:Did you confront him in the shower because that would’ve been the best? Grace:No. I did later on in this story, but that was not very [inaudible 00:15:52] but we’ll get to that part. He got out of the shower and I said, “Hey, I just noticed this popped up in your phone.” He was immediately defensive. He was like, “Where are you looking at the phone?” I was like, “Oh, I wasn’t. It just popped up.” Chris Seiter:The preview, it was just a preview. Grace:I was like, “It was a preview. It didn’t even show the whole email.” He was like, “Well, no, it’s nothing. It’s for us for when we decide to move from this place or whatever.” I was just like, “Okay.” Then later on- Chris Seiter:That’s a pretty good way to spin it. Now that I think about it. Grace:It was. I just had that feeling. You know that gut feeling, and that’s what it- Chris Seiter:It’s not a good sign. Grace:It kept lingering. I was like- Chris Seiter:If you really think about it, if you were truly like, “Oh, yeah, we’re going to upgrade to a new apartment.” You think you would be included in that conversation at some point. Grace:Right. Exactly. I told him, we had talked about feelings and all of that. I was like, “Hey, I’ve got that feeling again. I’ve got a…

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Success Story: She Got Him Back Without Completing No Contact May 18, 2021

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Today I talk to Jenny who got her ex back without fully completing a no contact rule. I found her situation completely fascinating because she’s a bit of a unicorn. The no contact rule without a doubt is one of the premier strategies in the industry so when someone succeeds without out I’m always interested in their approach. Technically Jenny did do a no contact rule but not the original timeframe she had set out to complete. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How Jenny Got Her Ex Back Without No Contact Chris Seiter:All right. Today we have brought on Jenny, one of our success stories from our private Facebook group. Before we started recording, I was telling her that she’s a bit of a unicorn because she didn’t follow the exact strategy with no contact, and she’s one of those rare people that got her ex back. We’re going to basically sit down with her for 35 to 45 minutes, and just interview her, and figure out what she did to successfully get her ex back. By her own admission, it seems like she still can’t believe she got him back, which is kind of awesome. How are you doing, Jenny? Jenny:I’m doing great. I’m glad it’s Friday. The sun is shining today. Having a really good day. Chris Seiter:We were talking a little bit. You said the weekend looks like it’s going to be a bit rainy in your side of the states. Hopefully, sometimes the weather might get it wrong. Jenny:We need a little bit of rain for some flowers, so I’m okay with it. Chris Seiter:That’s true. My grass is dying outside because of a lack of rain. I’m hoping it rains. Anyways, why don’t you take me back to the beginning? Give me a little bit of a briefing on your past relationship with your ex because you had mentioned before we started recording that it was a little bit rocky a couple of times before. Jenny:Yes. It has not been a perfect relationship. We’ve been together almost three years now. Last summer, we actually made the decision for him to move in with me. During that time that he lived with me, that’s when the pandemic happened. Not only were we first living together for the first time, but then we were kind of forced to stay together for a long time. During that time, there was kids involved, his kids, my kids. We just got really rocky, really fast. Jenny:He actually ended up moving out and getting his own place, but we ultimately decided to stay together still, which it was like taking a step backwards to take a step forward. Then I think it was about a month or so ago. We were just having a conversation. At one point, during the conversation, he was just like, “I can’t do this anymore.” Jenny:I was completely blindsided. I didn’t understand. What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? We were just fine a couple days ago. In fact, we had gone to the park with our kids. When it comes to our kids, it’s a really serious, serious situation. I was kind of confused, and blindsided, and really hurt, and didn’t understand. Immediately, in that moment, I was doing the grasping for straws, just begging, “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. What are you doing? You’re my person.” Jenny:Then after that, it was just silence. I didn’t hear from him at all, which is completely unlike us. We talk every day. Then the hurt just kept coming. I’m even more confused, and more hurt, and just didn’t understand. Now we don’t live together, so it’s not like I can just reach out to him. I had all those thoughts of, do I go to his house? Do I go to where he works? That whole stalker mentality starts sinking into your brain. Jenny:I was like, “What am I going to do? This is my person. This is my future.” In the past, I was kind of that person, the chaser, going after them, and begging, and just doing that whole thing that we always do. I think it was day three. I found your program online. I immediately was like, well, I don’t know if I really want to go through with this. I don’t know if this is for me. I was reading some of the videos. I literally read every single article. I think there’s 600 or something like that. Chris Seiter:600 articles, yes. Jenny:I read all of them. Chris Seiter:I’m actually in the process of redoing some of them since they’re a little outdated. Before we actually started reviewing or interviewing, that’s literally what I was doing. Someone who reads 600 articles… I can barely read them myself, and I’m going through them. I tip my cap to you. That’s impressive. Jenny:I was just in that desperation phase. What am I going to do? How do I do this? What is he thinking? Chris Seiter:Did you bookmark the website or something? Jenny:Yes. Chris Seiter:That’s crazy. Jenny:I have two tabs at work. I was working on one and then reading on another. Chris Seiter:The ultimate multi-tasker. Jenny:I had to do something with my time. Chris Seiter:Well, I guess that’s kind of a productive outlet. You’re learning. Jenny:Yes. I was desperate. I didn’t know. Chris Seiter:Did you do the same thing with the videos? Jenny:I actually didn’t watch them as I was reading just because I was at work, and I can’t do video and work at the same time. Chris Seiter:Oh yes. That kind of gives away the whole secretive… Jenny:Right. Chris Seiter:You’re supposed to be working. Jenny:Right. I actually didn’t start watching the videos until I got the program. I would read, and watch the video, and then read the PDF. That’s just kind of what I was doing with my time. I didn’t realize time was passing as I was reading. Then all of a sudden, it was a week later. Then I was in the Facebook group. People kept posting stuff. I was like, yes. I’m like, “Oh, I’m with that. I’m right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.” Chris Seiter:Right. Jenny:I really think that the Facebook group was something that really helped me, too, because seeing people go through the exact same thing I was going through, struggling with the exact same feelings I was struggling with, just kind of having that support system of, okay, I’m not crazy. Other people are doing this too. Chris Seiter:This is normal. Jenny:Yes, this is normal. Then just being able to also see what other people are saying or doing that is working or not working… I was like, okay, well, I’m not going to do that. Chris Seiter:Yes. We get a lot of that. Right, right, right. Jenny:That was really my goal. Then I got to the point of the ungettable girl topic. The way that I saw that was, no one would want to be with someone that’s begging, and sad, and crying. I need to make sure that I’m emitting this kind of secure relationship vibe out to the world. Whether he sees that or someone else sees that, I wanted that to be me. They say success is not linear, or grieving is not linear, or whatever is not linear. That’s exactly how it felt. Some days, I was bad-ass, and I could do this. It’d be fine. Then the next day, I was in my bed with the ice cream. Chris Seiter:I think that’s so normal too. Jenny:It is. Chris Seiter:It’s so overlooked for a lot of people. Everyone always thinks it’s just, one day after the next, it’s going to be perfect. You’re going to be building up that ungettable mentality, but no. It’s like two days in a row and then one day, something happens. You’re just down in the dumps. Then you kind of have to get back up on the horse. It just kind of is this… I mean, yes. Jenny:For me, it was little triggers. I would find something. I have this note that he wrote me on my desk that I look at all the time. Chris Seiter:Oh no. Right. You look at it, right? Jenny:I was like, right? I was like, why would he write this if he didn’t mean it? Chris Seiter:I mean, what’s interesting about the whole thing from what I’m hearing about your situation so far was how out of the blue it seemed. I kind of imagine, from his perspective, it must have been percolating for a while. If I’m him, I think maybe he’s having trouble… He has the idea, almost like… I watched Inception the other day. It’s top of mind right now. The whole movie is about planting an idea in this guy’s head, and it kind of grows. Jenny:Kind of grow it. Chris Seiter:Consumes him, right. I’m thinking your ex, when that breakup happened, because it was so out of the blue, and it was just almost in the middle of a conversation, which is kind of wild, it must’ve been really percolating inside and growing until it finally bubbled up. He just couldn’t let it out anymore, or couldn’t contain it anymore, and had to let it out. I’m kind of curious. Once we get through your situation, if you actually asked him what his experience was with that because I think that could help a lot of people who are in a similar situation, whose exes just sort of cold-cocked them out of the blue. Jenny:Out of nowhere, yes. We didn’t talk. I tried to do the social media rules where I was supposed to say things about myself. I bought myself tickets to this art show that I’d been wanting to go to for a long time. Chris Seiter:Well, that’s pretty rad. Jenny:I went with my friends, which I’m not a big go-to-a-club-or-a-bar kind of person, but I went out with my friends. Chris Seiter:Right. Jenny:Then I went to a outside concert with my parents. I was just in the sun. It was a blues show, and it was just so relaxing. In those moments, I was okay. I was fine. I was having a good time. I felt happy or in my zone. I looked that way from the outside. Jenny:Later on, he did admit, “I was stalking you. I watched all your stuff.” During that time, I started posting… I’m a big TikTok user. I actually started doing a daily TikTok every day of something positive, a positive quote or a positive uplifting message. I actually started doing it for myself so that I could inspire myself or inspire others. When you do that, you can post it on all your social media. Jenny:He was seeing those videos and was… Later on, he had mentioned, “I didn’t know if me leaving was a good thing for you because you just seem so happy.” I was like, “No. Sometimes but not all the time.” My idea was just, I need to be positive. I need to have this positive energy. That’s what I want back. That’s how I want that positive energy back. Jenny:It was hard. It was definitely hard. What initially ended up happening was I was reading all this stuff on the Facebook group. Everyone’s like, no contact, no contact. He had sent me a message, “Hey.” Because right after the breakup, I was like, “Let’s talk. Let’s meet for some coffee or something.” Chris Seiter:Right. He was not having it. Jenny:He was like, “No, I don’t want to talk to you.” Chris Seiter:How much time had passed before this all occurs? Jenny:Probably a couple weeks, at least three weeks. I mean, I was getting there. Chris Seiter:Three weeks. Oh, it’s 21 days. That’s almost kind of a smaller little no-contact. Jenny:The short one. Chris Seiter:Right. Jenny:He sends me this text message. He’s like, “I want to meet up with you, or are you open to meet up?” At first, I wasn’t going to reply at all because you’re not supposed to reply at all, but I was just kind of like, “Well, I’m actually busy next week. I can’t really meet with you,” which to him… He immediately responded, “Oh, well, I just want you to know that I’m available whenever you need to meet or whenever is good for you.” He wanted me to know he was available. Chris Seiter:You literally told him that you were busy, but you can meet him next week. Jenny:Yes. I was like, “Maybe next week.” Chris Seiter:That’s pretty clever tactic. Jenny:I did not have plans. Chris Seiter:Of course. Right. It’s all a game, but hey, he broke up with you. Jenny:That’s right. Chris Seiter:Hey, you can play a little games back. Jenny:You can wait. Chris Seiter:What happened? Jenny:That was really, really hard because I did want to talk to him. I did want to see him. I did want to say all the things I’ve been wanting to say. It was really hard to kind of play that game. I’ve been journaling every day and writing all the things down that I want to say. Ultimately, in the end, I didn’t end up saying any of those things that I had written down. Chris Seiter:It’s funny how that works, isn’t it? Jenny:Yes. Chris Seiter:You write it all down. You’re like, okay, this is the perfect thing to say, but when you’re in the moment, it’s kind of like, what was that again? Jenny:Yes. It was very interesting. It was probably a couple days after. It was the weekend after he had sent that text saying he wanted to meet up. I was just sitting there in my bed journaling. I had this really, really strong feeling that I wanted to say something. You have those throughout the whole time. You want to text. You want to call. You want to see him or whatever. This time, it just felt really different. I didn’t really want him to say, I love you or let’s meet up. I just wanted to reach out somehow. Jenny:I just sent a text. It was 9:00 at night. I said just in a text. I was just like, “I just want you to know I’m thinking about you.” That was it. No, let’s talk. No, let’s have a conversation. Just, I just want you to know you’re on my mind, kind of thing. I’m finishing journaling. I’m sitting there in my bed journaling, and my phone goes off, which I know he’s replied to me. I’m like, I’m not going to answer that right now. I’m just going to finish journaling. I’m doing everything, getting ready for bed. Jenny:I finally look at my phone. He was asking me about my weekend, or how I was doing, and that I look so happy. I was just like, “Well, I’m just sitting here journaling. I’m not doing anything serious.” Then either he said or I said, “Do you want to text right now?” In my head, I’m thinking, “I kind of want to go to bed.” I was like, “Okay. I’ll text- Chris Seiter:He was not your first priority. Jenny:No. Chris Seiter:Sleep was your first priority, which is kind of the beauty. Jenny:Right. I was like, “Well, I’ll text for a little bit, but I’m going to be going to bed soon.” It was small talk, that little value chain of just small talk. “Oh, what’d you do this weekend?” that kind of thing. “Oh, I went to a show with my parents,” or whatever. Then out of the blue, he was like, “Can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?” I’m like, “Okay, sure.” He’s like, “I really just want to come over to your house and tell you what I need to tell you because there’s some things I want to say to you and then I can just leave.” Jenny:I was like, it’s 10 o’clock at night. I don’t know if that’s really a good idea. I talked to my son. I was like, “Hey, he wants to come over. How do you feel about this?” Ultimately, I said, “Okay. Well, you can come over, but we’re going to stand outside on my front porch.” Chris Seiter:Sit outside. Jenny:You can’t come in. He did. He came over. It was 10:00 at night. He came over. It’s a 35-minute drive from his place. He stood outside. He said all the things. He said, “I want to be with you. I miss you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I told my kids that I want to move in with you at the end of my lease. I still want to marry you in two years,” all these things. Jenny:Again, all the things that I’d written down just flew out of my brain. I’m like, “Oh, okay,” completely shocked that this is what he’s telling me because at the time, I’m expecting him to just say, “Look, this is my life. I don’t really think this is where it’s going or whatever.” I really stood my ground. I was like, “Well, that sounds good. I want that too. Let’s just kind of see where this goes.” Then he left. There was no him coming inside. There was no sleepover, none of that. Chris Seiter:It ended abruptly, and then it began again extremely abruptly. Jenny:Right. Chris Seiter:Then he just left. It’s kind of like a drive-by proposal, and then he’s out of it. Jenny:Right. Chris Seiter:That’s hilarious. Jenny:We just sat outside, and he told me all these things. I was like, “Well, I’ve been missing you too. I really want to be with you. I’ve been waiting for us to talk or whatever.” It’s kind of like, we not necessarily p…

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Success Story: She Got Her Ex Back Following This Exact Game Plan May 13, 2021

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Everyone is always looking for the secret to getting their exes back when they come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Well, our latest success story, Lauren, may have found it. In today’s interview I sit down with her and quiz her about everything she did to successfully get her ex back. But what struck me wasn’t so much about what she did to get him back but rather how she looked at the entire process. So, without further ado I’d like to introduce you to Lauren, our latest Ex Recovery Program success story. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Learn Exactly How Lauren Got Her Ex Back Chris Seiter:All right. So today we’re going to be talking to Lauren, who is one of our success stories that we had from our private Facebook group. And I can’t claim her success. She coached with coach Anna. So I think Anna kind of rightfully gets some credit, but Lauren’s the one who did most of the work. So basically were just going to be sitting down with her and talking to her about what she did that was successful in getting her ex back. How are you doing Lauren? Lauren:I’m good. Chris Seiter:Take me back to the beginning, back before the breakup or as the breakup’s happening. Let’s walk through your situation. Lauren:Okay. So right before the breakup, he moved back from Nashville. He was doing an internship there, so we had a long distance relationship for about a year. He moved back to be with me and his family and right when that happened, his dad dropped the news on them like, Hey, I’m getting married, and I’m- Chris Seiter:So his dad was… Lauren:…going to be- Chris Seiter:…was single at the time? Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Okay. Lauren:Yeah. He said, “I’m getting married and I’m going to be moving out in October.” They lived together. Chris Seiter:Your boyfriend is basically getting kicked out. Is that kind of the thing? Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Okay. Lauren:Yeah. His dad gave him until May of this year to either buy the house or he would have to find an apartment. Chris Seiter:How old is your boyfriend at this time? Lauren:He is 25. Chris Seiter:Okay. So at 25 being told that you have to buy a house or get your own apartment kind of… Lauren:I know. Chris Seiter:Yeah. That’s kind of a lot for a 25 year old kid. Lauren:Yeah. That really stressed him out and he took a job that he didn’t really like, and it was burning him out. The news of his dad leaving and not liking his job, that stressed him out so much that he kind of fell into a depression. He kept telling me, “Oh, I’m so depressed. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what to do.” Until one day it all came to a head and he came home from work and he felt like a different person. Chris Seiter:When he would say these things to you, were you still long distance or was he close by? Lauren:He was close by. He lived about 30 minutes away from me. Chris Seiter:Okay. So when he would say these things to you, like “I’m depressed” or “I’m sad”, what was your typical response to that? Lauren:I was really supportive and understanding. I was like, We can get through this together. I can help. I can help you either buy the house or we can move into an apartment together. Chris Seiter:Nice. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:So you were basically being the perfect girlfriend to him. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:I’m assuming that kind of made him push you away a little bit further? Lauren:It seemed so. Yeah. Chris Seiter:Okay. So how does this breakup go down? You’ve set the stage of okay, he’s really sad and depressed because of his dad and all this pressure that he’s putting on himself, but also the dad’s putting on him. You’re being seemingly perfect, but it seems like he’s got some sort of an avoidant tendencies, so he’s kind of avoiding that. When does it come to a head? Lauren:He came home from work one night and I was there and I had made him dinner. Chris Seiter:Wow, you’re being awesome! Lauren:Yeah! Chris Seiter:And he broke up with you after you made him dinner? Lauren:I know, yeah. Chris Seiter:That’s cold! Lauren:Yes. Chris Seiter:Did he eat the dinner first before he broke up with you? Lauren:Well, we ate dinner and he was being really distant. Chris Seiter:Oh, so you’re like, Hey, what’s up? What’s wrong? You can tell something is up. Lauren:Yeah, we actually went to bed and I woke up the next day and he had to go to work. So I went home and I just had this terrible feeling. So I asked him, “Hey, are we okay? I feel weird.” Chris Seiter:Your intuition kicked in. Lauren:Oh yeah. Big time. Chris Seiter:Okay. So you basically forced the issue to him. You say, are we okay? And I’m assuming you did not get a favorable answer? Lauren:No, he wrote me a novel after that. Chris Seiter:A text novel? Lauren:Yes. He texted me. He broke up with me over text. Chris Seiter:What did it say? Can you… You don’t have to go through the whole thing, but just give us the gist. Lauren:So the gist was… He just reiterated everything. He’s like, I’m so stressed out. I’m so burnt out. I don’t know who I am anymore. I still love you, but it feels different. Just a really, really long way of saying it’s not, you it’s me. Chris Seiter:To me, it sounds a lot like the avoidant tendencies. Typically, speaking with avoidance, anytime they feel like their independence is getting threatened, they tend to like blow things up or go away. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:And I’m wondering where you… I’m getting off topic here, so you’ll have to pop us back on. But I’m wondering at the time, right around this breakup, were you really pushing…. Because I think in your mind, you’re like, hey, let’s work together. We can fix this together. We’re a team. Let’s get our own apartment together. Were you kind of pushing that route a lot? Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Okay. Lauren:I was communicating with them him like, Hey, I really want to… I know you want to buy the house, so let’s do that. I was wanting to redecorate and stuff. Chris Seiter:You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just trying to look at it from his perspective of why he all of a sudden… It kind of does seem a little out of the blue. I mean, not technically, but you seem you’re hitting all the right notes as a girlfriend, so what the heck is up? Lauren:I know. Chris Seiter:I think it’s because he started to feel like that independence is getting taken away from him. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Obviously you break up, right? There’s a break-up text that goes down. What’s your first reaction? Lauren:My first reaction… I remembered the program, like as this was happening. Chris Seiter:So you didn’t try to call and beg for him back or anything like that? Lauren:No, I was really understanding. Chris Seiter:That’s amazing. Lauren:Yeah. I didn’t get mad anything, or beg. Chris Seiter:That’s amazing. That’s really good. That’s a great starting point. So you remember the program. You said before we had started recording that you had used this program a couple of years ago for someone else. Like four years ago or something like that, and you kind of get back into it and you realize things have changed a little bit in how we operate since then. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Did you buy the program? Like the new version? Lauren:Yeah. I bought the new version of it. Chris Seiter:And then you get into the Facebook group and then eventually… Well, I don’t want to skip ahead because I know you got in with coach Anna, but you started a no contact rule… At least in your write-up in the Facebook group, your success story write-up, you said it was a 45 day, no contact rule. What was the thinking behind doing the 45 day rule? Lauren:Well, I took the assessment and since there was kind of like a mental health issue there, I chose 45 days. Chris Seiter:Yeah. So what’s interesting, just between you and me, Lauren, I’ve noticed a lot more people who have longer periods of no contact are ending up in these success stories. So I kind of think that’s an important thing, when you just start reiterating more. But most people don’t want to hear that because no contact is hard to get through. Did you fail no contact at all when you tried it? Lauren:Yes. I failed it three days in. Chris Seiter:Okay. That’s pretty common. That’s very common. What happened to make that occur? Lauren:Well, I was pretty emotional, so I deleted all of our pictures on Instagram and then I noticed that he unfollowed me. So I was like, Oh no, what have I done? So I texted him. I was like, I’m so sorry for deleting all of our pictures. Chris Seiter:That’s great. Lauren:I don’t resent you or anything. Chris Seiter:Did he respond to that? Or was it just kind of nothing? Lauren:Yeah, he responded immediately and he was like, Oh yeah, don’t worry. I’m fine. Stuff like that. Chris Seiter:So you’ve got a long trek ahead of you, 45 days. How did you spend that time? Lauren:Well, I immediately went into therapy because- Chris Seiter:Okay. That’s a great decision. Lauren:…I didn’t want to deal with the breakup by myself, and I felt like I needed somebody to talk to, especially a professional. So yeah, therapy. I started working out and doing yoga. Chris Seiter:So mostly you’re working kind of the therapy angle, you’re working the physical angle. What about… Because I’m kind of hinting at the Trinity concept. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:What about work-wise? Because if correct me if I’m wrong, this breakup occurred in December, 2020, right? Lauren:Yes. Chris Seiter:So this is going on during the height of the pandemic or… I mean, I guess we’re still in the height of the pandemic technically. How was your career type prospects at this time? Did you make any headway on that during the no-contact period? Lauren:Well, right as the breakup happened, it was the off season. Chris Seiter:Okay. Lauren:I work in a country club, so the golf season had just ended. So I wasn’t working. Chris Seiter:So you get extra time to kind of sit and stew in your thoughts essentially. Lauren:Yes. Chris Seiter:But you seem to handle it really well. So the most pressing question I guess I would ask is you eventually… You said towards the end of no contact, you ended up booking a session with Anna and you started working on preparing exactly how you’re going to be talking to your ex. Lauren:Yes. Chris Seiter:What were some of the big insights you got from that session? Lauren:Well, I really blamed myself for the breakup. I thought it was my fault, but, Anna really helped me… Like talked me through it and made me realize that it wasn’t my fault. One of the things that she told me was he didn’t have to break up with you. He broke up with you because he was sad. You did nothing wrong. Chris Seiter:Well, I mean, basically when you were explaining it to me, it sounded like you were being a pretty good girlfriend. You were supportive, you were willing to forego your own happiness or comfortability to try to get into an… I don’t know what your financial situation is, but it seemed like you were willing to put your whole heart into the thing and he just kind of ran away. I mean, it’s funny. So by the end of no contact, had you gotten over that belief that the breakup was your fault? Lauren:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. My therapist really helped with that too. Chris Seiter:So you’re talking… And I think this is a really good indicator for people who are struggling. Sometimes it is good to talk to a professional, because there’s a lot of self-doubt and blame that goes on after a breakup, even when it’s not your fault. So let’s get to the fun stuff. How did you get him back after the no contact rule? What was your approach? Lauren:Okay, so I ended the no contact and I sent my first texts out and it was about his interests. He likes video games and music and stuff like that. So the texting phase was basically about that and I got really positive results. He texted back immediately. Chris Seiter:So you basically kept it based on his interests. Lauren:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Which are video games. Lauren:Video games, yeah. Chris Seiter:Did you know anything about video games when you texted him then? Lauren:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, I did. Chris Seiter:So did you like play video games with him? Lauren:No. We never got around to that because we’re both very busy. Chris Seiter:Can you give us an example of a video text that you used? I mean, it doesn’t have to be exactly but… Lauren:Okay. Chris Seiter:Just give people kind of a frame of reference. Lauren:Yeah. So at the breakup, it was right before Christmas, so we exchanged Christmas gifts and he got me a video game controller. Chris Seiter:Well, you can’t leave me hanging. For what system? Lauren:PS4 but I hooked it up to my PC. Chris Seiter:Okay. So you played… You kind of found a way to hook it up to your computer. Lauren:Yeah. So my text was… I said, “Guess what I just did.” and he was like, what did you do? So I sent him a picture- Chris Seiter:Nice. That’s great. Lauren:…of the controller and I was like, I just set up your Christmas present for me. And yeah, we just went from there. Chris Seiter:So did a full blown conversation occur or was it just kind of like a quick back and forth, and then the conversation ended after you sent that text? Lauren:Yeah, it was a quick back and forth. I asked him what video games should I play over Steam, and he gave me his Steam password. Chris Seiter:So you get them for free. Lauren:Yeah, yeah. So I had access to all the games that he was playing. Chris Seiter:That’s a big deal that he gave you the Steam password though. Lauren:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Chris Seiter:Because it kind of like connects him further in, but I noticed in your write-up you said you were texting him for like two and a half months building that value up. Can you take us a little bit through your experience or at least how you approached it for anyone… Because I think the texting in that building value phases is maybe harder than no contact in and of itself. Lauren:Yeah, it was… Chris Seiter:Yeah, yeah. So go ahead. Lauren:It was really hard. It was really nerve-racking too. Looking back, I don’t know why it was so nerve-racking. I guess I didn’t feel worthy of getting him back for some reason, but you know, I was working on that with my therapist. So when it got too much for me, I would take like a mini no contact of like two weeks just to get emotional control again and like hop right back into it. Chris Seiter:So for you, you think the key was getting that emotional control and having it throughout the entire… But as far as the actual conversations go, was it… Did you ever have any trouble getting into conversations with him? Was there ever a time where you would text and he wouldn’t respond or situations like that? Lauren:No, he would always respond immediately. I would use hooks very early on, but then after my session with coach Anna, she said, “If you are 95% positive he’s going to respond, you don’t have to use a hook.” So I would just text him and be like, Hey, what’s up? How are you doing? Chris Seiter:Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you actually had someone who was very engaged. The fact that they’re willing to just sort of like get into conversations. What were the types of conversations that you were having with him? Lauren:I would always bring up a topic of interest first. He’s a musician, so he has a couple of music projects that he’s working on. So I would be like, Hey, how is the album coming? Or something like that. Chris Seiter:And would he always be super engaged after- Lauren:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Chris Seiter:Okay. Was there ever a time that he took the initiative and asked you about something that he wasn’t interested in, but you were interested in? Lauren:There was a few times that he actually reached out to me first. Like, for example, he told me like, Hey, here’s a place that you can get your COVID vaccine. Chris Seiter:Okay. Right. So okay, that’s kind of important. I guess that’s technically not something that you’re like, gung-ho… Like if you’re l…

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Success Story: How No Contact Can Win Your Ex Back Apr 19, 2021

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If you have ever wondered about the effectiveness of the no contact rule and its impact on your overall chances of success with your ex then you’ll definitely want to pay attention to this interview. I had the pleasure of interviewing one of the latest success of our program, Harley, and was blown away with how well she did, especially during the no contact rule. It’s better for you to watch so I’ll just cut right to the chase. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How Harley Got Her Ex Back With The No Contact Rule Chris Seiter:All right. Okay. Today I have the pleasure of introducing Harley, one of the success stories that got engaged to her ex in the private Facebook group. I was going through and looking through your posts and the very first post that showed up was the ring. And so I just think you have a really awesome success story that you could share with people. Organically, there’s a lot of questions I’d love to ask you, but first I’d just like to welcome you onto the interview thing. Harley:Yeah. Thank you for having me. Chris Seiter:Yeah, of course. Before we get to the fun part, why don’t we go to the depressing part? The breakup. Give us some background before we get started. Harley:This wasn’t the first time that we’ve broken up. Like you said, I have an on again, off again relationship with him. Well, I did. And when he broke up with me this time, it just seemed a lot different. It seemed like… I’m sorry, my dog is just whining. Chris Seiter:Don’t worry about it. We can barely hear it. Harley:Okay, good. It’s because he’s like, “Oh, I wasn’t in love with you, but I love you.” Chris Seiter:He literally says… Is it an, “I’m not in love with you anymore, but I still love you very much,” type of explanation? Harley:Yeah, it was. He said that he had feelings for me. He loved me but he wasn’t in love with me, if that makes any sense. He had strong feelings for me, but didn’t want a relationship with me. Chris Seiter:Okay. Did you ever talk to him after you got him back, like “What did you mean by that?” Harley:For sure. Chris Seiter:What did he mean when you asked him? Harley:That his feelings were still strong, but not as strong as they were before. Definitely not as strong as… What happened was he left me for his baby mama because he has a kid with somebody else. And he was like, “My feelings just aren’t the same as they were with her.” Obviously they’re going to have a different connection together because they have a kid together. Chris Seiter:They share that. Harley:Yeah. And me and him don’t. And he also told me that he just wanted to be single and he wanted to experience that because he just turned 21. And at that time I wasn’t 21. So he was going to the bars all by himself, going out and experiencing that life with his friends. And I was already concerned about that, but I was supportive. I didn’t ever hold back. I told him, “Yeah, go out, have fun with your friends. Call me if you need a ride.” Harley:And the night before he broke up with me I actually picked him up from the bar and stuff. And he was talking to me. He was like, “I’m so scared that you’re going to leave me.” Because I was talking to him about how I wanted him to be more loving towards me and do more cute things with me. And he just seemed like I was asking a lot of him. Because with his first relationship with his baby mama, he did a lot for her. And that made him more distant in our relationship. And I tried to tell him, “I’m not her, but I do expect you to do things to show me that you love me or to show me that you still care just to give me peace of mind and all that.” But I guess that was just a lot for him. Harley:And that was pretty much the main thing. He was just stressed out and he was like, “I just want to be on my own,” but I know him way too well. I know you’re not going to be on your own. But it ended up he was on his own and I wasn’t on my own. So it was a complete opposite of what he wanted to happen to happen. Chris Seiter:Well, it sounds to me like he’s going through… I don’t want to say midlife crisis, but he’s going through a crisis of his life where he’s trying to figure himself out. And he’s really not sure how to reconcile all of the changes that may be occurring. It’s really interesting hot and cold behavior where the day before he breaks up with you, he’s basically… I wouldn’t say begging, but very, very worried about you leaving him, which almost indicates to me the next day when he does break up with you, it might be a self-defense mechanism, an avoidant type thing to do where you’re just like, “Well, if I cut her out, she won’t have the opportunity to hurt me.” Did you ever get any vibes like that looking back on it? Harley:Once I got my mind more focused… Because in the beginning of a breakup, at least with me I get crazy in my mind and I’m overly emotional- Chris Seiter:You are not the only one. Harley:And I was crying a bunch. Yeah, no. That was a big help with your group that made me realize that I’m not crazy. And this reaction is normal, especially with having a battle buddy. She talked to me a lot about that. Chris Seiter:You get to actually experience someone else going through it as well, the same stuff. Harley:Yeah. And it helped a lot with my mental health and stuff. But yeah, like I said, I was just really crazy and upset about the breakup. Chris Seiter:So he breaks up with you. And you had mentioned before we started recording that this wasn’t the first time that he had broken up with you? Harley:Yeah. That would be the second time that he’s broken up with me. The first time was for a good reason, because he was fresh out of a relationship with his baby mama. We were really young. I was just out of high school. We were only dating for three months and he wanted to work things out with his baby mama for the sake of trying to keep his family together… Which I get it now that I’m older. I get it. But at the time being as young as I was… Not really saying much because that was like three years ago, but I understand now. Chris Seiter:Well, at the time that has to be very, very hurtful. But with perspective you think, “Okay, I get that.” But this breakup you said seemed different. Harley:Yeah. It seemed more serious and more hurtful. I don’t know how it felt more hurtful because he was being a lot nicer about this breakup it seemed with… Communication-wise. But it just seemed a lot more hurtful because at that point we were essentially dating for three years or two and a half years. So there was a lot more emotion packed behind that and I get more emotionally invested than he does. I don’t know. That’s a girl thing though. Chris Seiter:That’s not a girl thing. That’s a human being thing. There’s different attachment styles and different investments even for men. But so you go through the breakup, right? It’s awful. And eventually somehow you find Ex Boyfriend Recovery I’m guessing. How did that process go? How did you find us? Were you just frantically searching on Google? Harley:Yeah. There was one night where I didn’t really want to be alone. So I stayed the night at my mom’s and I was just crying and I was Googling a bunch of stuff. I was wondering if the way I was acting was normal or if there was something I could do to get him back. Because your immediate reaction when you break up with somebody is, “I want to message them. I want to talk to them. I want to get to know why they broke up with me. Even though they told me why it doesn’t feel like that that is why.” You want to blame yourself for it. Harley:And I know I personally was blaming myself for it. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or that I was doing something wrong… Which in the end I realized that maybe I was doing a few things wrong, but I wasn’t doing anything wrong that was huge majorly, like relationship ending wrong. And I came across one of your YouTube videos and I started watching that. And then it was like, “Oh, if you liked this video, I have a program.” And so I was like “Huh, that would actually be good.” Because I really liked that video. And I started your program and I listened to the audio books while I was at work. And I went from there. Chris Seiter:That’s great. That’s pretty awesome. Harley:Yeah. Like I said, it helped me a lot. Chris Seiter:YouTube for the win. Harley:Yeah. It helped me a lot to realize that I’m not crazy, my reaction was normal, and to get my thoughts straight on how I wanted to go about this, especially not messaging him. There was a couple of times that I did break that and message him for stupid reasons. But in the end it worked out. Chris Seiter:Well. So what was interesting to me is before we actually started even setting up this interview, I think Shauna had connected us… Shauna is someone who is a moderator in the Facebook group. And she had said, “Hey, we’ve got a success story.” And then you and I started talking and you had said, “I hope it’s okay. But I actually technically never made it out of the no contact rule.” The no contact rule worked so well on him that you got almost immediate results, which is actually pretty rare. So for me, from my perspective looking at your situation, I think the no contact rule is the key. What did you do? So obviously you find about the no contact rule, but what did you do during it to yield these results? You mentioned you actually failed it a couple of times before you got your string of days where you’re ignoring him together, but take us through that process. Harley:Yeah. So I think the one thing that enticed him the most was acting ungettable for sure, because me and him were friends on Facebook still. He didn’t block me or anything. And so I knew he was creeping on my social media because I know him too well. And so I just kept posting things and I started going to the gym and posted about that. And he started going to the gym a year before we broke up. So I knew he was really into the gym scene and he wanted me to care more about my health. So I took that into consideration and I started doing that to get him interested, to show him that I was caring about myself and trying harder to be better. And I think that that’s really what enticed him more. Chris Seiter:So you’re posting photos and videos of yourself at the gym, just lifting weights or doing yoga or things like that? Harley:Yeah. That or just selfies of my progress and me getting skinnier and all that or me going with my friends- Chris Seiter:Sorry. I love the dog in the background with the [crosstalk 00:11:21]. Harley:She really wants to go outside. Chris Seiter:Well, we can take the interview outside. I’ve never done that before, but if you want to take her outside and walk and talk, we can definitely do that. Harley:I just need to put her in my room. She went outside before the interview, but I don’t know what her deal is. It’s nice out. Chris Seiter:Yeah. Dogs are dogs. They want what they want. Harley:Yeah. Okay. That’s better. Sorry about that. Chris Seiter:Oh, no worries. So we’re talking about no contact rule. We’re talking about you basically killing it at the gym posting those… I guess on Facebook was a big thing for you. Did you do it on Instagram or any other social media platforms? Harley:He didn’t have Instagram. We were friends on Snapchat, but then he unfriended me like a week later. Because I kept posting things on my Snapchat story and I guess it made him upset or something so he unfriended me. I don’t know why he didn’t unfriend me on Facebook. Probably because he didn’t want to not have contact at all. Chris Seiter:And he wanted to spy on you probably. Harley:Yeah. No, he was always the first one looking at my Snap stories too for that first couple of weeks. And then he unfriended me and I was like, “Oh, I see how it is.” Chris Seiter:Okay. But doing the gym stuff’s not all you probably did during no contact. Or was that pretty much your only focus? Harley:No. I went outside more, hung out with my friends more. I just focused on myself, learned how to do things on my own. We have a lot of mutual friends so what I was doing was getting back to him. Chris Seiter:So that sphere of influence aspect is just really helping. Harley:Yeah, for sure. And I would talk to my friend who would then talk to him and was… Oh my gosh, what just happened? Oh, sorry. I got a call. Chris Seiter:Oh, no worries. All right. So you talked to your friend, you talked to him. This is an exciting interview. You keep me on my toes. Harley:I talked to my friend who then talked to him because I started getting more comfortable with myself and started trying to go on more dates. And so she was telling him that and he’s a very jealous person. I wouldn’t say jealous in an unhealthy way, but… Chris Seiter:It works. It definitely works. Harley:Yeah, it worked. So I was going on more dates, trying to get more comfortable with myself and figure out who I am by myself because I’ve been in a lot of long-term relationships. I’ve never tried to focus on myself. So this was the first time I focused on myself and realized who I was and my worth and all that. And she was just telling him that. And that really is what got to him. And there was one night where our mutual friends went out to drink and they were having a party and they were talking about me and she told him that I’d been going on dates. Harley:And he just got really upset and started doing some soul searching and he was working on himself and that’s when he messaged me. And at first I wasn’t going to respond back, but I was with my friends and I started freaking out having just this absolute breakdown of a reaction because I was doing fine. I was having just such a great day and a great night. And then I just freaking broke down in front of my friends. And my cousin took my phone and messaged him and was like, “What do you want?” And I was like, “No, Sammy! You can’t do that!” Chris Seiter:“You broke no contact! How dare you?” Harley:Exactly. Yeah. So it wasn’t my thing for breaking no contact. It was her fault. But it worked out in the end so I can’t get too mad. Chris Seiter:Obviously. Well, you had said to me you were at day 40, right? Does that sound about right? Harley:Yeah. Chris Seiter:So that’s a pretty extensive period of not having communication, right? Harley:Yeah. I broke no contact twice and it was like I went a week and then broke it. Then I went another week and broke it. And then I finally stuck to it because I was like, “This isn’t going to work if I don’t stick to it,” like you said in your book. And I stuck to it and I kept pushing back no contact because I did use the chart to figure out how long I was supposed to be in no contact. Chris Seiter:What did it come up with? 45 days? Harley:I think it was like 35 days. Yeah. And then when 35 days came up I didn’t know what to message him. And I don’t think I was ready. So I just kept putting it off because I didn’t want it to go bad. I was afraid of failure. Chris Seiter:Apparently the message that unlocks everything for you is, “What do you want?” Which I find hilarious. That’s what you ended up messaging him. “What do you want?” Harley:“What do you want?” Yeah. I was like, “I don’t want him to play mind games with me and I’m happy where I’m at and I don’t want to waste my time anymore.” Because I was so determined. Because that whole time by myself just helped me so much. Especially with this program, it helped me so much just realizing who I am, what I want, and my value of what I want in a relationship. And if he isn’t going to give it to me, then I don’t want him to talk to me anymore. I don’t want to waste my time with that. Chris Seiter:That’s interesting you say that. Harley:And that’s why I wanted him to tell me what he wanted. Chris Seiter:Well, it’s interesting you say that. So you were at this point where you thought, “If he’s not willing to treat me with respect and be honest about what he wants, then he ca…

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Success Story: Letting Her Ex Go Made Him Want To Come Back Feb 20, 2021

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Lately we’ve been talking a lot about this concept of letting an ex go to make them come back. I’ve been on record many times saying how I think this is a key component to the no contact rule and the success you can see afterwards and it looked like Jule, our latest success story, took my words to heart. After having her ex break up with her and even avoid the breakup talk altogether she joined The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program and ended up getting her ex back. Watch or listen to find out exactly how. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How Letting Go Of Her Ex Helped Make Him Come Back Chris:All right. Today I have the honor interviewing one of our success stories named Julie. And I’m coming into this blind. I don’t know really anything about her situation, which is going to be a treat. So anyone listening to this, or watching this, is going to be learning as I’m learning. How are you doing, Julie? Julie:I’m doing well. How are you, Chris? Chris:Hanging in there. Hanging in there. So, where should we start? Let’s start in the practical place. How long were you and your ex together before you guys broke up? What did the breakup look like? Why don’t you start from the beginning. Julie:So, we were together about a year and a month before the breakup. Chris:Okay. Julie:And that was interesting. We had met from Facebook Dating, which was the first time I ever used the app. Chris:And did online dating? Have you ever tried- Julie:Oh, I have. Chris:The Tinder, or the Hinge, or anything like that? Julie:I actually have, but it was never on a serious time. It was just like, “Okay, well…” Because I’ve been single for a couple of years now, since my last ex. But I was on the dating apps, but then one of my friends was like, “You should really try it out and everything. Facebook Dating is a little more serious…” From the quality of guys she was running into. So I was like, “Okay. Let me try it out.” And that’s how I ran into my ex. Chris:All right. [crosstalk 00:01:28] So you ran into your ex, and dated him for a year and a half, right? Julie:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Chris:So we’ll skip all the fun part, and get to the bad part. Julie:Okay. Chris:How did the breakup go down exactly? What was the reasoning? What did he say? Who broke up with who? Why don’t you take us through that. Julie:So, when I refer to the breakup, I refer to it… Well, now it’s a little funny to look back at it. But I always call it an emotional rollercoaster. Chris:Okay. So you went- Julie:So- Chris:Up and down, and just sort of everywhere? Julie:Yeah. So the breakup happened, literally, probably three days after seeing each other. We were hanging out and everything typical, and then all of a sudden I just realized he was just being more flakey about our plans. And he was using the excuse, “Oh, I have to work more, I have to work more.” And then I’m over here like, “Well, tell me what’s going on. You’re not communicating.” Julie:And so the day that the breakup happened, we were supposed to hang out. Typical, it was a Saturday. And I was like, “Okay. Well, we have plans to hang out.” He’s like, “Okay. Yeah, I’ll let you know.” 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon comes and I’m like, “So… What’s up?” It’s like crickets. What’s going on? He literally just texted me like, “Oh, I’m on my way to go out East to finish this work job. I’m probably not going to hang out with you.” And completely blows me off. Julie:And this is where I get so mad, and I’m like, “Are you kidding me? You had all these hours to tell me this. What the hell?” And then, I- Chris:So- Julie:I madded. Chris:Okay. So basically what’s happening is, he almost seems to be avoiding a confrontation with you? Is that- Julie:Yeah. Chris:What’s going on? He gets- Julie:Absolutely. Chris:The sense, and doesn’t want to hang out with you. So, he’s going to avoid it, and then you’re just blowing up. Because naturally, you’re like, “What the heck? Why didn’t you tell me?” Julie:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Chris:Okay. So- Julie:Definitely. Chris:So first, that’s the first red flag that something’s amiss. Julie:Yeah. Chris:Okay. Julie:Absolutely. Chris:What’s the next red flag? Julie:Next red flag was, as I’m madding him now sending multiple texts basically just blowing up. Like, “How can you do this? What the hell?” Like, “I’m a person. Why couldn’t you tell me this?” All this stuff, and he’s just like, “I can’t do this right now.” Blowing me off still. And he’s like, “I got to talk to you tomorrow. Julie:And I’m like, “What?” Like, “This has to be fixed now.” And he’s like, “No. I got to talk to you tomorrow.” I’m like, “What the hell.” So the whole night, we’re not communicating. He’s not saying anything. He’s doing God knows what. The next day, with the official breakup, I call him. And he hasn’t bothered to text, call, nothing in the morning. Nothing at all. Julie:So he finally calls me after one of my text messages, and he’s just like, “Hey… We’ll talk later.” And I’m just like, “No. I want to talk now.” And he’s still pushing it off. So finally, that night, I’m like, “What is going on?” And this is how crazy it got, where it’s just, I’m like, “Where are you?” I don’t even know where he is. He’s like, “I just woke up from a nap.” I’m like, “A nap?” Like, “I’m still here. What’s going on? You’re not talking to me, and this is a problem.” Like, “You’re blowing me off. What the hell?” Julie:He finally snaps, and he’s like, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.” And I’m like, “What the hell do you mean you’re done?” Especially because of the fact that he’s breaking up with me on the phone now. And I’m like, “You don’t even have the common courtesy to tell me in person.” Chris:It’s scary to tell them in person. I’m not going to lie. My first girlfriend ever, I think I broke up with her when I was 19, right? So we had dated for about a year. And I literally used, “I’m done.” But I did it through text message, and I literally meant the conversation. Like, “I’m done with this conversation.” But she took it to mean the relationship, and I was just like, “Oh, okay.” Chris:So I guess I can kind of sympathize or empathize with your ex being scared of that conversation and saying I’m done. But were there any signs leading up to this that something is wrong? Was he a little bit more distant? Or was this just his normal way of handling any kind of conflict or confrontation? Julie:And the story actually gets a little crazier, which I’ll explain. But throughout the- Chris:Okay. We love crazy stories here. Julie:Oh gosh. Throughout the relationship, he was very… I would say avoidant. I’m more of the I want to fix this now, so that way the whole day isn’t ruined. Chris:So he’s like the avoidant attachment-style type, and you’re a little bit more leaning towards the anxious attachment-style type at this point? Julie:Absolutely. Yeah. Because I was- Chris:Okay. Well, that’s the most common situation we see. Julie:Yeah. And he has no problem spending hours not answering, or even a day. I wouldn’t go past one 24 hrs. Because at that point, I was so anxious that I was madding a lot. Chris:See, I’m like you. I don’t think I could do that either. I feel like I like the natural communication, the talking all the time. I don’t understand why some people need two to three days space of not talking. To me if you’re in a relationship, that seems just odd. But some people are just like that. Julie:Yeah, which is crazy to me. Well, especially, if there’s a situation going on. Because I do believe in healthy spaces, especially with this program now. It’s like, “Okay, space is good.” But two, three days- Chris:There’s such- Julie:Is kind of like, “What?” Chris:Right. That’s too much space. Julie:Yeah. Chris:Well, at that point it almost becomes disrespectful as well. Their purposely not talking to me in the relationship. Something’s really wrong. And you’re just trying to fix it, so I totally see where you’re coming from. Julie:Mm-hmm (affirmative). And so, here’s where our breakup got a little interesting. So after- Chris:Okay, let’s get to the good- Julie:Well, it’s actually not good. Chris:Well, yeah. Yeah. Julie:So- Chris:But that’s what the goods are for ex-boyfriend recovery. Julie:Yes. Yeah. So I didn’t take it very well that he’s trying to do this over the phone, so I was just like, “You know what? I deserve more respect in this. I’m showing up to your house.” So- Chris:Oh, I knew you were going to say that. I knew it. Julie:Yep. Chris:I knew you were going to do the whole crazy ex-girlfriend type thing. Julie:Yep. Yes. Chris:Okay. This is fun. Let’s do it. So, how did that go? Julie:Because before when we fought, I probably did that once. Where I showed up and then we talked it out and it seemed fine, for a month or so, and then we got rocky again for something completely stupid or random, miscommunication styles, all of that. And we went back to fighting. Julie:So when it’s finally the breakup, because I was like, “Are you sure? Are you serious?” On the phone before showing up. And he’s like, “I don’t see a future with you. Yes, I’m sure. I cannot do this anymore.” But I said- Chris:So it’s- Julie:“You know what?” Chris:So it’s in-person he’s doing this. He’s literally saying this to you, looking into your eyes. Julie:No, over the phone still. And so I said- Chris:Oh, so he’s over the phone still. Julie:“You know what? I’m coming…” Yeah. Chris:Okay. Julie:So I’m coming… To his face. Chris:So you call him first again before you came over? You didn’t just show up unannounced. Julie:Yes. Chris:Okay. Julie:Yes. Chris:See, that’s not as bad- Julie:I basically- Chris:As I thought, Julie. Julie:Well, he didn’t think I was coming. Chris:I thought you were going to just show up. Julie:No, I did. He didn’t think I was really serious. Chris:Okay. Julie:He thought I was still in my house. And I’m literally, like, “I’m 10 minutes away from you house.” Chris:Okay. Julie:And he’s threatening to be like, “I’m not here. I’m going to walk away. You’re not going to find me.” I’m like, “Nope. I will sit outside and you are going to meet me outside.” Chris:Oh, you are very determined to get your heart broken in person, I guess is the intriguing part about this. Okay. Julie:Yes. Chris:So, what happens? Julie:Because a part of me thought it was going to be serious. I thought it was going to be one of these fights that we had where, okay, you see me… Okay, you’re going to backtrack or something. But no, he was still serious. I pulled up, he came into my car. And I asked him again, “Are you serious about breaking up?” Julie:At this point he’s just looking forward. He’s not even looking at me. And he’s just like, “Yes. I can’t do this. Look at what you’re doing. You’re not respecting my space or my privacy.” And I’m like, “You just broke up with me, dude, over the phone. I think that went out the window.” That’s how my thinking was at the time. Chris:Right. Well, that’s normal thoughts. Julie:And he’s still reiterating the same thing. I don’t see a future in this. I can’t see a future with someone I fight with constantly. Chris:Okay. So you got- Julie:That’s when- Chris:Your heart broken in person. Julie:Yep. Chris:Okay. Julie:But he was still like, “Oh, text me when you get home. I want to make sure you’re okay.” And I’m just like, “Okay…” But then nothing the next day. Chris:Right. Well, it’s this is what I’m supposed to say. This is probably going to make her feel good, like I still care a little bit, but I want my privacy. Julie:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Chris:Okay. So now the strong upward march of getting them back, or determining whether you want them back, begins. So most of the people that find Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, or The Ex-Recovery Program, or the Facebook group, end up coming to us after a frantic Google search. They’re Google searching everything related to getting exes back, or, “Hey, what does it mean when he says this?” And then end up finding the website and getting entrenched in the zillions of articles there. Chris:Some people do it through YouTube. They’re just doing the same thing. What was your journey into learning about our method? Julie:So, after two weeks of madding him, after the breakup still. Yeah, because I still was like, “Let me give him a day or two.” Then, still see what’s going on, and I even apologized for things. I was like, “I’m sorry,” and all that, but still blowing up his phone. So finally a day came where he just didn’t even really text me at all. It was just a generic cold-less text, and I was like, “I can’t do this.” So, I Googled something along the lines of boyfriend says he doesn’t love me. Or something about the future… Doesn’t see a future with me. Chris:Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Julie:And that’s how Ex-Recovery popped up, with one article I believe you had touched base about that. Chris:Yep. Julie:And that’s when I started reading it. Yeah. Chris:All right. So you read it eventually. You decided to take the plunge and get into the Facebook group and start the process and the program that we try to teach. And I say try because not everyone listens to what we try to teach. How was that journey? Learning about the no contact rule and everything that needs to get done during the no contact rule? Julie:So, what’s interesting about it is that I’ve heard of the no contact rule before, years ago. Just that basis. And so I was aware of it. Never really fully practiced it because years ago when I decided, okay, no contact with someone it just turned into indefinite no contact, which I didn’t think was a thing. Julie:So, I never did it to get an ex back. So when I was going through your articles, I’m seeing more and more articles, especially the no contact, and then that’s when I saw the program. Where it’s just, let me take a leap of faith. Because it had so much things that you offered. Not only the program, E-book, but then coaching was also a part of it if I wanted- Chris:Right. You get that- Julie:And then the Facebook group. Chris:Right. You’ll get that discount on coaching if you want to do the coaching. You’ll get the Facebook group. There’s the audio aspect. There’s the PDF… There’s a bunch of stuff in there. But obviously, you get in there and it’s probably information overload. There’s too much stuff I’m imagining. Julie:It is. Chris:Yeah. Julie:It was very intimidating in a sense. Like, “Oh gosh. What is it?” Chris:Right. Right. Julie:But in the first week of trying to get into this, I’m not going to lie, it was so hard. Actually, three weeks. I’m not going to lie. But, yeah. Chris:So when you say get into it, are you referring to just simply getting through a no contact rule without breaking it? Or even just reading some of the content in the program, and being like, “This is too much.” Julie:Well, I think it’s more so the no contact rule. Reading the program materials helped ease my anxiety a little bit. But it’s just the no contact alone, starting it. Because before that period of time, I was talking to my ex every day. Chris:All right. So that was the pattern- Julie:Unless- Chris:Of the relationship. You’re talking every single day. Julie:Yeah. Chris:Now, you did the no contact rule. How long did you determine to do? What time frame? Were you a pretty standard 30-day rule? Julie:I was 45 days from the assessment. Yeah. Chris:All right, right. So 45 days. You got a long time before you’re going to talk to your ex again. Did you have any hiccups along the way? Where you broke at day 15 or something like that. Julie:So when I started it, I broke it day… I want to say seven. Chris:Okay. You made it one week. Julie:Day seven. Chris:Congratulations. So you had to start over again. Julie:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Chris:Hopefully you started over again. And what- Julie:No, I did. I did. Yeah. Chris:Okay. So I’m also trying to fish for an answer… But I don’t want to influence your answer. Because this is something- Julie:No, I get it. Chris:That I think is really important…

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How Criticism Is Destructive To Any Relationship Feb 17, 2021

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Today we’re going to be talking about how criticism is destructive to any relationship and I brought on my friend Dr. Jessica Higgins from the Empowered Relationship Podcast to help us discuss exactly how criticism can ruin your relationship. I felt this was an extremely relevant topic since we’ve found that roughly half of our success stories end up breaking up again and it’s mostly due to what Dr. Higgins and I discussed on this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Discussing How Criticism Is Destructive To Any Relationship Important Note: In the interview with Jessica she made mention to a special resource to help you shift your communication style so you aren’t so critical. You can find that below: Special Resource From Dr. Higgins: Is Criticism Tearing Your Relationship Apart? Chris Seiter:All right, today we’re going to be talking to Dr. Jessica Higgins, who was kind enough to have me on her podcast a few months ago. And she’s also the founder of a podcast called the Empowered Relationship Podcast. How are you doing today Jessica? Dr. Jessica Higgins:I’m doing great. It’s an honor to be with you. Chris Seiter:Oh well, thank you. So we’re going to be talking about criticism, and we were talking a little bit about kind of some of the stuff that you have, like free guides and things regarding criticisms, but I already have a few questions for you regarding criticism. So when you are working with clients who you’re noticing are having issues with criticism, is it more of an issue where they don’t recognize that their behavior or the language they’re using is critical of the other person, and there’s kind of like this disconnect on wavelengths? Dr. Jessica Higgins:It’s a great question. Most of the time that people are reaching out, they’ve gotten feedback from their significant other or perhaps somewhere else in their life, perhaps in their friends group, or their family, or even in the workforce that they tend to have this critical tendency. And so it runs into having issues or problems in their relationship, and they’re like, this is becoming problematic. So that’s when they get curious about what is it that I’m doing, because oftentimes most of the time we’re steeped in our habits and our tendencies, and sometimes we don’t see it. So it’s usually when people get enough feedback that they start getting interested in what’s going on here and what can I do differently? Chris Seiter:Yeah. Well, as you can imagine, this is a perfect topic for many of the people listening here who are all going through breakups and determining whether they should try to get over their ex, or get their ex back, or just even trying to understand a breakup in general. And the criticism point comes up quite a bit. The significant other, their breakup, the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend will come and say, like, I didn’t like how you said this thing to me, or this thing to me. So what are some of the things that are markers that maybe you’re setting people off to making them feel a little critical? Dr. Jessica Higgins:Yes. Well, I just want to say that it’s super easy, especially I think in our modern day of society to fall into the critical tendency, and usually what that looks like is leading with the you statement, or something outside of you. So whether or not it’s, I mean, it’s a very common human impulse to feel pain, or to feel some issue and to look for what’s the cause, or what’s the source of that problem. And we look outside of ourselves. You left the shoes in the doorway and I tripped, right? I don’t like that. Chris Seiter:I don’t like that either. I wouldn’t like that either. So it’d be critical there. You got me on one. Okay. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Well, and when we’re in relationship, we’re two different individuals that have different perspectives. We’re going to have conflict and we have different desires and needs at different times. So negotiating that ,it’s often that we’re going to address it in the other person. If you would do X, Y, and Z, I would feel better, or we would be better. So that’s usually one of the clear markers, but we’re not always conscious of that. Dr. Jessica Higgins:So I’ve been on both the receiving end of the criticism, and I’ve also been the criticizer. So I know both pretty well. And usually one of the things that we’re going to get most alert to this is problematic is when we’re going in a loop. A cycle that never seems to end. It’s a trying to address, so the person that’s being a little more and being more critical in this situation is trying to address an issue, and your partner’s not responding. It’s just a simple thing. Why don’t they just say, “Oh my bad, I’m sorry.” Or, “I didn’t know that. Now I know I’ll do better. I want to help.” Right. It feels so simple, but yet our partner’s getting defensive, and they’re saying, “No, but this, no.” And they’re rebuttaling. And then it’s like, you’re often running and it starts to escalate, or it goes nowhere though. That’s usually the point in which people are most aware that this isn’t working, and we don’t always know why, but it’s that constant cyclical loop that is problematic, creates disconnect, nobody feels great afterwards, and can lead to breakup and worse, because it whittles away at the bond over time. And people’s sense of like, you’ve got my back and you’re with me, which relates to the attachment. Chris Seiter:Yeah. Well, so when you were talking about people not really realizing that they’re doing it, my wife pointed out to me that oftentimes my daughter, who’s five years old will get frustrated, and that’s only because that every adult in her life is always ordering her around or telling her what to do, right? So is there ever a circumstance when you’re in, and I’ve witnessed personally this kind of thing happen in relationships where one party thinks that they can solve the other party’s problems all the time. And the other party kind of doesn’t want them to, but they don’t really communicate at all about that. So is there also a circumstance where there can be criticism without any kind of communication between the two parties? It’s just a lack of communication that creates the criticism. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Absolutely. I mean, let me just back up one step further. Evaluation, assessment, critical tendencies, we all need, right? It’s something that actually people in industries, high-level CEOs, attorneys, scientists, MDs, like a lot of people need to have their critical hat on in their industry, and it serves them well, and we get a lot of reinforcement. It’s a really valuable skill. When it comes to relationship, unsolicited feedback always feels like criticism, and it’s never usually welcomed, or even is felt in a positive way. So unsolicited feedback. That’s when we ask for it, we’re not looking for it, and we’re getting commentary and feedback about how well we’re doing or the evaluation of it. Dr. Jessica Higgins:So to your point, yeah, I was on a podcast actually a couple of weeks ago, and this woman was like, “I’ve got an example. It’s a small example, but help me through this.” And she was like, with her husband, she’s like, “He doesn’t do a great job eating lunch during the day, and it’s a gift of love to…” You too, you too. Chris Seiter:Yeah, yeah. My wife is always on me about that. “You need to eat more,” and I’m just like, “I got work to do. Like, I don’t have time to eat.” So yeah. I’m there. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Laser focused. Chris Seiter:Right. Dr. Jessica Higgins:I got it. So she essentially was like, “I shop, I meal plan. I make these nutritious, really healthy meals. It’s all packaged. It’s in the frigerator. It’s like right there for him, and he won’t eat it.” Right? And she’s like, “It drives me nuts.” She was like, “It’s a small thing.” Then as we got to talking about it more, I was like, “Well, help me. How did this get started? Was he saying, I need help? Or were you thinking this is something that he would enjoy? Does he complain about not eating?” And it turns out, I don’t think he had any issue with not eating. It was just something she thought he would love. Like, it was something she projected onto him. Like this is [inaudible 00:07:16], she was saying, I’m putting so much energy and love and nurturing into this when he doesn’t receive it. It’s like, it feels like it’s being- Chris Seiter:Like a snub. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Yeah, it’s being- Chris Seiter:Right. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Denying, dismissing. And I’m like, yeah, if your love is getting mold in the frigerator, that’s not a good symbolism, right? I don’t think so anyway. Chris Seiter:No. It might be the perfect symbolism for the situation though, you know? That’s how she feels. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Exactly. So, I was encouraging her, to your point, to revisit, like how did we get to this? Was there an explicit agreement? Is this really hitting a mark for you? Or maybe it’s not, maybe there’s other ways that I can show you love and that it really does hit the mark. And then for her, right, instead of just getting mad at him, right? Is understanding the backdrop of that agreement, but also most of the time a criticism there’s pain or something underlying it. There’s a need, and we protest. Like, I don’t like this, this doesn’t work, but we do it through criticism and in its attempt to resolve or reach the other person. And unfortunately they don’t know that, because you’re talking about them, and then they’re on their heels thinking like, I didn’t do anything wrong. And then they’re more focused on defending their character, defending their behavior. Chris Seiter:Right. Dr. Jessica Higgins:When really you’re just saying, “Ouch, I’m hurt. Can you help me?” And they don’t know that because they’re trying to defend against the criticism. Chris Seiter:Well, it’s all of the underlying things, especially in that circumstance where she’s feeling like, “Well, why won’t he eat this? I’m doing all this work.” And he’s maybe just thinking like, “Well, why should I have to eat it? I’m set in my ways.” When ultimately it’s the underlying thing, which is I want you to acknowledge how much work I put into loving you and doing these things. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Exactly. Chris Seiter:Do you think that really revolves around, like in that specific circumstance, and I’m sorry to kind of pick on the podcast interview that you did, but in that specific circumstance, do you think that kind of has some roots in the five languages of love? How like some people like receiving gifts. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Yeah, absolutely. Chris Seiter:Or acts of service. Do you think that maybe there was a disconnect there? And I realized not all communication needs to be verbal, right? It can sometimes be nonverbal or even, I guess, in a weird way, giving a gift to someone or doing an act for someone there’s like something attached to that. You know what I’m saying? Dr. Jessica Higgins:Absolutely. And I do think that when we experience the opposite of our love language… So I have a couple, a married couple, they have like three kids, super successful, like great couple. And she’s had an injury in the last year and then also lost her mother. So she’s gone through a really difficult time. [crosstalk 00:10:15]. Chris Seiter:Lots of emotional turmoil. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Yes. And so part of the way that she’s managed that is she’s wanted to kind of go to their room and just kind of unplug for a little while and- Chris Seiter:Be alone. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Be alone, and also not burden her family. Like not being like a negative source. Chris Seiter:Okay. So she doesn’t want to be… Okay. Sorry, sorry. This is fascinating stuff. Dr. Jessica Higgins:So her need to kind of take care of herself and also worried about bringing the family kind of energy down. And then for him, his love language being quality time, it hurts more where he says she sequesters herself, and it’s painful for him when she pulls away. So it typically, like one of my top love languages is words of affirmation. So if my husband is a little grumpy and has a little bit of a gruff tone, it hurts probably more for me than it would for someone who their love language is acts of service or something. Chris Seiter:Okay. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Well now I know exactly how to get on your good side. Just compliment you. Chris Seiter:Okay. So with regards to the criticism, though, in that specific circumstance, it seems to me like the person, the act of service is their way of kind of communicating. And the criticism can be like the snub of not even acknowledging it. So criticism can be, I guess that’s a perfect example of where you have one party that’s essentially not saying anything and they’re kind of being a little bit of avoidant towards the circumstance, the other person’s real kind of anxious. Like you need to respond to that. So sometimes criticism can happen where there’s no language at all. No communication whatsoever. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Yeah. I’ll give you an example, this came out of my group yesterday and the member was talking about, I often will pick up my phone as a way to kind of manage some of the anxiety I sometimes feel. Just in a lull of a moment and her partner’s like on her case about her being on her phone and- Chris Seiter:Oh she’s not actually like looking or researching the latest political news. She’s just sort of picking it up because it feels safe? Dr. Jessica Higgins:No, no, no. She’s definitely on apps. She’s deleted some of the social media, but she’s looking at news, but she’s saying, “If I’m being really honest, I’m picking up my phone in a space where there’s a lull.” Or there’s a little bit of some downtime where her significant other is like, “Hey! Like, hi!” Like wanting some attention. Chris Seiter:Right. Dr. Jessica Higgins:Okay, one of the things is it’s difficult to do, but encouraging him to say whether or not it’s making a joke of like technoference, or phubbing, or whatever the term is, and making a joke of it or being really revealing and say, “I’d love some quality time with you,” or, “I would love to go for a walk. Do you want to go for a walk?” Like actually ask, right? So that’s one of the key distinguishers around switching criticism. It takes some mindfulness and some awareness, but slowing down to tune in around what is it that I’m wanting? Right? Dr. Jessica Higgins:I can criticize my partners looking at their phone. I feel ignored. I don’t know what they’re looking at. I don’t know where they are, and I feel either insulted, or hurt, or whatever. Like again, human impulse would be, that’s a problem, I want to address that problem, and we can resolve that problem. Will you please put down your phone? Or I don’t like it when you’re on your phone, or why are you on your phone so much, or who you talking to? Right? None of those are like crazy over criticism, but it’s still in the ballpark of you. Something going on with you, rather than saying, “I miss you. I haven’t seen you all day, can we sit down and chat?” Or, “I would love some conversation or quality time.” So turning the criticism into a request and it’s a much more difficult thing to do then just saying it. Chris Seiter:Well, so what’s interesting is when you original, so I think I had asked you where you had said like, “Hey, I think maybe this topic would be good for your audience.” I was thinking at it from a perspective of, okay, these people are going through a breakup. Well, maybe they would want to understand why they went through a breakup, but one thing I neglected to tell you, and I actually think this is a better fit for people, is we have found, for the people who go through our program and determine like, yeah, we want to try to get our exes back. We’re not really into getting over the ex, even though the two are kind of interconnected interestingly enough, but don’t tell them that. Chris Seiter:Maybe…

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Emotionally Unavailable Men Vs. Narcissistic Men Jan 07, 2021

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A few days ago I had the opportunity of interviewing Antia Boyd who studied psychology from U.C. Berkley. One of the big things that I’ve noticed a lot of in my coaching sessions is a failure to properly understand the difference between an ex who is emotionally unavailable versus one who is just straight up narcissistic through their attachment style. Luckily, Antia was kind enough to come on to the podcast and answer this exact question for me. She was even kind enough to give my audience (you guys) a free gift in the form of a quiz. Check Antia’s Free Gift Out Here Ok, enough chit chat! Let’s get down to business. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How To Tell The Difference Between An Emotionally Unavailable Man And A Narcissistic One Chris Seiter:Okay. So today, we have Antia Boyd coming back to be interviewed who I think maybe one of my favorite interviews I’ve ever done. You could always just tell organically when you’re clicking with someone and their message, and that was something I definitely felt with you. And if you don’t know, Antia and her husband, I should say, Brody, are basically the masterminds behind Magnetize Your Man. And if you can’t see, if you’re watching this on YouTube, she’s literally got this Magnetize Your Man book that I was given a hard time about before we started recording. But how are you doing, Antia? Antia Boyd:I’m so good. How’s it going over there, Chris? Chris Seiter:I’m hanging in there. You know how it is. So Antia, she’s actually the one who suggested what we talk about because I’m always kind of unprepared and being like, “Oh, what should we talk about?” So she actually had a really great suggestion, which is talking about narcissism versus unavailability. And she had something really interesting to say because we were talking last week. I’m just sort of shooting stuff back and forth. And you had something that kind of struck me as really interesting because you said a lot of times, women who you coach will come in thinking that they have a narcissist guy that they’re in love with, but that’s not true. They’re just unavailable. So I’m kind of curious, how do you make that determination?” Antia Boyd:Yeah. So let’s actually backtrack because- Chris Seiter:Okay, backtrack. Backtrack. Antia Boyd:… the reason I got into narcissism is because I grew up in a household of a narcissistic mother. So right away, I experienced the emotional availability, but also the distortion that comes with the narcissism, right? And the reason why I’m so passionate about talking about this is because it leaves women with so much self-doubt and with so much questioning themselves, with decreasing internal as well as external confidence because narcissists are really breaking down your sense of self and your self-worth systematically. But I also studied attachment style theory at UC Berkeley because I was struggling my whole life as you can imagine. Antia Boyd:So then after a while, I realized when I started coaching, and of course, I met my men and all that in the process, but when I started coaching, there was always some such quick labeling, right? It would always be like, “God, he’s such a narcissist.” And I’m like, “Well, let’s look at that.” So women are so quick, right? And you say so fed up. They were like texting him and he’s not responding or he ghosted her. And then we go just to the most extreme internal representation that we could possibly find, right? But you’re not necessarily being served with that because for one, now you’re actually projecting onto someone much stronger distortions than they actually have. Right? So you can’t really see the truth. And now, you’re also reacting from a much more reactive, explosive place almost that responds to narcissism because your mom was a narcissist, or your dad was a narcissist, right? Or your ex-husband was a narcissist. So that’s usually what happens. Antia Boyd:And I think this is a huge distinction here because… And we would go into all of that, how that all comes together. But here’s the thing. For example, I have a fearful avoidant attachment style or anxious-avoidant or whatever you want to call it, which means I have an anxious part inside of me and also have an avoidant part inside of me. Now, it doesn’t necessarily make me a narcissist. No. Can it be correlation? Yes. Right? But what it actually means is from that point on, you can move someone to secure attachment, right? So in other words, that sense of well-being inside of yourself, that sense that you can rely, that relationships and connections are safe, that intimacy is safe, right? Because that’s actually one of the markers of a secure attachment style, right? Antia Boyd:They actually say like, “Oh, I can rely on relationships.” Right? “I can rest in relationships.” They’re secure. Versus the avoidant or the anxious. They’re always looking at, “It’s not secure. It’s not a foundation.” I still need to kind of look out for myself in case it doesn’t work out, right? So there’s always a level of aggravation and anxiety. Chris Seiter:So you said a lot of really interesting things, but there’s two things that really first come to mind. The first one is really this concept of you say you’ll be on the phone with your clients and there’s this immediately labeling of a narcissist like, “Oh, he’s not texting me. He’s a narcissist. I can’t believe it.” Do you feel like that sort of immediate labeling is a reflection of how our society is now with regards to… I’ve just noticed with my clients, there’s always this need for instant results. And when they don’t get those instant results, they almost panic or start labeling or start just saying untrue things. Have you noticed any kind of unrealistic expectations with regards to some of the people that you’re coaching and that being one of the reasons that they’re labeling a narcissist or an unavailable person a narcissist? Antia Boyd:Yeah, absolutely. So one reason is because they resist their own inner narcissist inside of themselves. I actually wrote a blog about it and I got so- Chris Seiter:Oh, that’s interesting. That’s kind of a yang-yin philosophy type or psychology. So you’re saying you wrote that blog post. You got a lot of backlash for it. Antia Boyd:Oh, yeah. People are like, “You don’t even know what a narcissist is. You didn’t grow up in a toxic…” I’m like, “Actually, I did.” Chris Seiter:Yang would just say like, “Oh, that’s integrating the shadow.” Antia Boyd:Yes, that’s right. That’s right. Chris Seiter:You just need to accept that you do have a narcissistic aspect to your… You’re capable of it. Antia Boyd:Yeah, exactly. Chris Seiter:So you’re saying you got a whole bunch of backlash after this article? Antia Boyd:Yeah. Because, of course, the women who liked to kind of collapse more into the victim mentality, right? They were abused. This is what is narcissistic abuse. Right? And then they’re like, “Now you’re telling me I’m a narcissist.” That’s too much, right? Because they lived into the identity of this abuse. And then they went to the recovery group. And so there is sort of this way of relating to themselves, right? And out of the sun, they’re saying, “Well, wait a minute, I am in control. I’m actually empowered. I actually have that part inside of myself that could inflict manipulation that’s based on my own agenda on to the other person? No, no. I can’t. No. That’s not. That’s unthinkable, right?” Antia Boyd:It brings up so much shame and so much embarrassment that it causes an immediate shame shield. So at the end of the day, all the backlash I got was all the shame shield. It was just collective shame shields, most of the attack, and I loved it. I love when people unsubscribe or when they’re not my friend anymore because I know I hit a nerve. And what you do over here is none of my business. You know what I mean? Chris Seiter:What’s really interesting about that concept of hitting the nerve and you kind of loving it, it’s almost like you’ve rewired the way you look at that. I was watching this video which was unrelated to psychology, it was more business related for business. And it was this guy who was talking about the differences between your rabid fans versus your haters, right? And usually, you can’t say anything worth saying unless you offend someone. So a lot of times, I think people come into any avenue of life so worried about offending other people. And there’s different levels to it, but the fact that you’re secure enough, you’re a really big preacher of the secure attachment style. That’s really the key to a lot of what you’re teaching. You’re just sort of preaching or you’re practicing what you’re preaching, especially when they get the backlash. But you also think that one of the reasons that you’re getting that backlash from saying like, “Hey, you do also have this narcissistic side,” or “You’re at least capable of having a narcissistic side,” do you think one of the reasons is because people are afraid to take ownership of that? Antia Boyd:I very much think so. I mean, when my mom was… So narcissists, that’s how you know, they gaslight, right? Of course. So my mom projected onto me who she is. So she would say, “You are so selfish.” And so, of course, that was my biggest trigger. Right? So then, of course, if I would have read a blog that like, “No, you are actually selfish and you are actually narcissist,” I’m like, “No, that’s my biggest trigger. That’s how I’m being manipulated. That’s how I’m being constrained. Right? That’s how I lose my sovereignty.” Antia Boyd:So then, of course, you go into reaction. But I will tell you, Chris, that actually, what set me free and how I was able to actually break free from my mom sort of owning me just for that word being selfish was actually owning it and actually saying, “Yeah, I can be narcissistic, or I can be selfish, or I have narcissistic distortions inside of myself,” which by the way, you do if you have narcissistic parents, you will have necessity distortions because of the mirror neurons. There’s just no way around it. Right? And it’s really empowering, though, with that awareness to actually say, “Yes, I have that inside of myself.” Right? Because from that moment on, my mom didn’t have that hold, that grip on me anymore. And I was free. I was finally actually being able to be all of who I am. I don’t have to hide myself anymore or be quiet when I actually want to see something because I’m afraid to come off as selfish or as arrogant. That’s another good word, right? Antia Boyd:Yeah, it’s really powerful. I always tell my women, the only way through healing, it is really the way through it. Right? You can’t heal it sort of from the outside or if you go around it or over it. You know what I mean? I was like, “No, you can’t go through it.” Right? And you really got to own what you judged your parents the most for or your ex-husband because I know you have a lot of people who want their ex back, right? Chris Seiter:Yeah. So for us, it’s like two camps. You have the people who want desperately to get their ex back and people who want desperately just to move on. But both are dealing with breakups. And I think also, when you look at the people who are listening to my podcast or watching the YouTube videos on my channel, a lot of them are going through breakups. And sometimes, I think there’s like how we’re talking about taking ownership. I think sometimes, the women that I talk to take too much ownership. They don’t allow themselves to realize, “My ex should take ownership of what they did.” So for you, where do you feel like that line is between being realistic and not realistic about that? Antia Boyd:Yeah. I can actually relate to that because I was the kind of child that would stand in the middle of the living room and my parents would just yell at me. And I would just be like, “Yes, it’s all my fault, all my fault, all my fault,” right? So these are the people who would just take on all the responsibility. They’re overly responsible. I also call them the compensated murderers. Right? Or on the other side, are the ones that are blaming. Those are usually the ones that respond with shame shield off attack. Right? Like, “It’s all your fault.” So yeah. So we kind of want to see… What I was telling my women is so when they come in, I can already tell if they’re more blaming or if they’re more taking, or self-blaming, right? So if they’re more self-blaming, will always move towards the balance. Antia Boyd:So for the women who would be already like to take the responsibility, I would actually say, “Hey, it takes two to tango. You know what I mean? Yes, you make certain interpretations and you have belief systems and things like that. But you also have to say that he has accountability, right?” So those women don’t hold other people accountable because they’re so afraid of the repercussions of it. Or maybe they were also trained that other people are being put on a pedestal and they are not. Right? So that would be an example of a narcissist child, right? A child from a narcissist. You could either be the black sheep as a child of the narcissist or you could be the golden child, right? That basically is the extension of the parent, right? Like, “Oh, my daughter, she won the competition because she’s my daughter.” Right? But either way- Chris Seiter:That sounds a lot like Donald Trump, doesn’t it? He always holds his daughter, Ivanka, up as the golden child but let’s not get political here. Antia Boyd:Right, right. But the point is like… So it’s like this golden child or you have the black sheet, right? So you basically didn’t pay attention to me and so you’re being [crosstalk 00:13:23]. Chris Seiter:So you’re talking about it from the parental perspective right now? Antia Boyd:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Does that also kind of evolve into maybe a relationship? How does that come into the relationship aspect? Because I feel like the golden child versus the black sheep, I feel like you need two children to have that. Or can it be in one distinct personality? Like one moment, this one person can do nothing wrong. And the next moment, they’re doing everything wrong. And they just flip flop between those two… Can that also happen with one singular personality? Antia Boyd:I mean, I’ve seen that, right? So when we actually look at the studies, they actually do distinguish that there’s two different kinds of people because think about it. One is the golden child. So she is getting invested in and she gets all the attention. But she doesn’t have the independence. So she doesn’t have the choice. It’s just because she’s being chosen. Those are the homecoming queens and the child actresses and all of that. Right? Moms are living vicariously through them. But when you’re a black sheep, you’re really being ostracized. It’s like all your fault, right? Whatever goes wrong… It’s basically saying all the shadows are being projected onto you. For the golden child, it’s the opposite. It’s all delight, or whatever the mom had for herself is being projected onto you. Right? Can you experience both? Yes, I guess you could in bipolar situations and borderline personality situations for sure. I mean, that would extend way… Go beyond the scope of this and everything. Right? Chris Seiter:Right, right. Antia Boyd:Yeah. But in general, so my experience has been that you’re either in one of the two camps. So you’re either being praised or it’s like always your fault, you’re always doing something wrong. The parent always has to get the attention, right? So if the parent doesn’t get the attention, they will take many punitive measurements to get the attention. To move the attention away from you, which is basically… And this is how it reflects in a relationship systematically breaking down the self-worth, right? Making those stabby little comments, right? Like, “Oh, you sure you look good in this dress?” Or, “Oh, you could…” It’s sort of…

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Dealing With Breakups And COVID In 2021 Dec 14, 2020

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Today Coach Anna and I are going to be talking about one of the hotly debated topics, What we’ve been seeing with our clients and what we think is going to happen in 2021. So buckle up because we cover a lot of ground including, How the landscape has changed due to COVID What 2021 is going to look like The biggest areas we are seeing our clients struggle in due to the pandemic How to get your ex back during a pandemic And much more How To Deal With Breakups And COVID In 2021 Chris Seiter:Recording now. Okay. So today, Anna and I are taking on the big fish, the white whale, which is basically… I’ve been reading too many… For some reason I’ve been reading Moby Dick lately. So anyways, take of that what you may. Today, we’re going to be talking about what to expect in 2021, because we all know 2020… So I get the sense, and I don’t know what your sense is but 2020 everyone’s always looking forward to 2021 as like, Oh my God, things are going to be so much better in 2021. Chris Seiter:But I get the sense it’s not going to be as great as you think. I think you’re still going to be facing a lot of the same challenges and that’s what Anna and I want to talk about today, which is, what challenges are you going to be facing regarding your breakup and relationship in 2021, with regards to things like the no contact rule or building rapport. What does the global pandemic do to that? So… Anna:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Yeah, I don’t even know what to say here. So maybe let’s just start like… This is the angle I think we should take, which is, 2020, what have you noticed that’s different in 2020 from 2019 before the pandemic? Just with regrads to… Anna:With regards to… One, there are more breakups than ever. Chris Seiter:Yeah, you know it’s funny, I didn’t know how to feel about it because it was like when the pandemic happened, I remember you and I were talking and- Anna:I told you there would be more. Chris Seiter:You and I were talking and I was like, “Anna, I’m worried, there’s a recession going on, our business… We might be in trouble.” And business was actually better than ever [00:01:42]. I don’t know what to make of it, it’s super cool from a business perspective but super crappy from a relationship perspective. Anna:It’s been a sad year for anyone in a relationship. And what I have found is, unless relationship is incredibly strong, both of you are very mature, both of you are very self-aware, your relationship has likely suffered. Chris Seiter:Yeah. You know- Anna:Both are very healthy, like physically. I mean, because you’ve gone through some stuff- Chris Seiter:That’s what I was going to say. So 2020 a lot of people… So 2020 has affected me in a different way and the fact that I had… So I was on my third and fourth surgery, I think by that time, and that takes a toll when your health is… And I can’t imagine someone who tested positive for COVID going into the hospital and what that does. And then of course we have breakups and what that does, so it’s been a messy year. Anna:It’s been a messy year. Chris Seiter:So, what have you been noticing, obviously more breakups than ever. Anna:Mm-hmm(affirmative). Chris Seiter:But from the people breaking up, from a perspective like how are they going to get their exes back? Have you noticed anything different and especially… Because you are the one going through most of the big coaching calls, so you have the data. Anna:Yeah. I mean, people are experiencing a lot of difficulty particularly when it comes to building rapport and moving along the value chain. So they’re finding they are spending a lot more time in texting, right? In the texting phase and having to get really creative with when they finally get to the meeting phase with online dates and online activities. So there’s been an increase in gaming, virtual escape rooms, virtual trivia nights. I’ve had some clients literally, I don’t know how they did this because we… I mean, it was so intriguing to me, but we didn’t have time to go into it. They built a puzzle together, but they were long distance. So I don’t know how that happens virtually. Chris Seiter:Maybe there’s like an app. Anna:Maybe. Chris Seiter:I don’t know. Anna:I don’t know. But people have gotten really creative on spending time together in order to build rapport or get that, even if they don’t have the face-to-face time because quarantine, they’re finding ways to connect emotionally. And social media has become even more important than before but with the pandemic, there’s less opportunity to have these great backdrops, right? Of the outside or going on trips. So again, trying to be creative and also be [inaudible 00:04:28] at the same time while staying at home. Chris Seiter:Yeah. It’s a paradox in that way, because a lot of times the natural thinking of someone who’s [inaudible 00:04:38], someone who’s out there. They’re doing things, but were prevented from doing stuff like that. Anna:Right. Chris Seiter:But I’m actually curious. You’re mentioning a lot of people having trouble building rapport. So what method… So building rapport through texting, building rapport through just virtual, talking on the phone, FaceTime, things like that, where are they struggling the most? Anna:Well, it’s getting past texting and figuring out where to go from there because we have the normal progression of texting and then phone calls- Chris Seiter:Right. Anna:And meeting in person [crosstalk 00:05:19]. Chris Seiter:Okay. So this is ultimately… You’re noticing a lot of issues there that’s the funnel point where a lot of people are missing. Is there any generalization in how you can look at your clients and sit there and say, “Okay, most of them are doing this. Most of them are doing this wrong.” In your opinion, what are they doing wrong? Anna:Well, they’re allowing themselves to get stuck on, the only way I can interact with my ex is if I do it in person, or the only way I can demonstrate change is if I’m able to go outside, or travel or be around people. And so you have to get past that part. You can always demonstrate [inaudible 00:06:01] you are by taking on a new hobby. You can still exercise at home, you can still interact with people, you can interact with your ex in as much as it not as great to not do it in person, you can still do it virtually. Right? Chris Seiter:Okay. So what’s interesting is, to me it seems like it’s a mindset. They have this mental block like, okay, well, that’s not how it’s going to work. So is it one of those self defeated attitudes that they come in all ready or they enter into the texting phase all ready with this mindset of, no, this absolutely has to happen in person. There’s no way this digital thing can work. Anna:Well, it’s new. So a lot of people tend to be skeptical at the beginning. So you just have to… I mean, you shouldn’t break the law, right? Chris Seiter:Uh-huh(affirmative). Anna:If your city or state or province or country has you in quarantine, you should not be doing things that breaks the law, right? Or different mandates. So you have to just accept it and try to be creative. Right? Or for example, join a Facebook group, right? And ask for suggestions and there’s tons of suggestions all the time on how to get around things. Chris Seiter:It’s actually really interesting because a lot of the best suggestions I find, a lot of people, especially when I’ll write an article or do a YouTube video and they’ll say, “Oh my God, that’s such a good idea.” It’s not my idea. It’s from the creative people that I’ve stolen from the Facebook group, they’re just like, Hey, we’re doing this and I’m like, Oh my God, that’s working. Anna:Right. I mean, when you have thousands of people active- Chris Seiter:We just had 5,000, I don’t know. Anna:[inaudible 00:07:44] say 5,000? Chris Seiter:Yeah. Anna:Amazing. Chris Seiter:I think [inaudible 00:07:46] 5,000. That’s actually pretty good now. Anna:I really think that if all the success stories stayed, our group would be seven or 8,000. Chris Seiter:Yeah. Well, that’s the other interesting thing, there’s a little bit of a turnover. There’s a [inaudible 00:07:59] to it. But we’re getting off topic here, I suppose. Okay. So, you have to be willing to accept the more the digital methods. I read something really interesting yesterday, actually. I was trying to figure out… Whenever I tried to write an article or film a YouTube video, I’m always like, okay, what’s a new way I can put this. I was watching a video from Chris Voss, never split the difference guy. And he made a really interesting point about the tone. So it’s almost like… Especially when it comes to texting, a lot of times people don’t realize in regards in this thing, he was talking about emails. I was thinking, well, emails is a form of texting if you’re able to finagle in your head. Anna:It’s old school texting. Chris Seiter:It’s the old school texting, which is… It is what it is but he said something really interesting, which was a lot of people don’t think that there’s a tone to an email, but that’s wrong. There is a tone. And he was making the point that a lot of times when you write a text message, I’m just using my own analogy here. But when you’re writing a text message, you’re writing it with a certain tone. There’s almost a guarantee that the person you’re sending the text message to is not going to read it in that same tone. So one of suggestions he made was basically reading the text or reading the email in his case out loud, in the most harsh tone as possible. And if it can’t survive the harsh tone, you need to reword the text. Have you ever noticed issues like that with texting? Anna:Yes. And that is actually a classic public relations technique that I tell a lot of my coaching clients. Chris Seiter:Yeah. So if you don’t know Anna, literally run one of the biggest public relations businesses in the world, so one of the coolest aspects of having Anna, she’s like your own personal PR. Anna:Yeah. Well, I mean, getting an expert literally is [crosstalk 00:10:00]. Is like a rebranding campaign. [inaudible 00:00:10:01]. Chris Seiter:That’s just such a creative way of looking at it, but okay so like classic PR technique. Anna:Technique which is… We all have this capability on our phones, right? Record it. Record yourself saying in the harshest tone possible, listen to yourself and ask, Hey, how does this sound? How’s this coming across? And I probably need to change my words. Chris Seiter:So he said… Saying… What was it? There’s certain words you can say- Anna:Why, like you don’t say why. Chris Seiter:Yeah. But there’s, I forgot what he called them. He called them email qualifiers or it’s something that you can put in there that no matter how you say it, even if it’s a harsh way, it’s taken in a positive way. And it’s something it’s like, Oh, sorry and I’m aware. Anna:Yeah. I’m aware is one of them. Chris Seiter:I don’t think saying, “I’m sorry,” works in this context, but just to give you an idea, there are some finagling you can do with certain words to… Anna:I want to say, I think I understand is one of them or even something along those lines. If you have a subscription to masterclass.com, for example- Chris Seiter:Yeah. Anna:You can… Or just read his book which is really great. Chris Seiter:Yeah, I went through his book in a whole weekend. For me, it was really mind blowing and how many applications there are to this process. Anna:Yes. Chris Seiter:Because a lot of times it is a negotiation… You’re talking about it, it’s like a PR thing, which is also true [crosstalk 00:11:44]. So it’s this interesting mix between the two. Anna:Mm-hmm(affirmative). Chris Seiter:You’re saying you’re seeing some issues with regards to how text messages are worded or is it more of a tactical errors by people when it comes to their texting? Anna:Well, I think it’s tactical. Well, it’s both strategic and tactical errors, right? So when you communicate with any ex, you want it to sound, one as natural as possible between the two of you but you want it to be the smarter, more directed version of that, essentially. So that’s why you should record yourself, reading out loud in this harsh tone your texts, right? You should also not make the rookie mistake, for example, of texting too much or apologizing when you don’t have to. These are just a couple of instances. All right. Or after you send your text out, not taking it personally, if the person… If your ex reads your text, but you see that person online. Chris Seiter:Yeah. That’s a really big one too, because you see that a lot. Because a lot of the times our clients, they’re super obsessive about checking to see if he or she’s online and it sets him off when they’ve read it, but they haven’t responded, but they’re doing something else? Anna:Yeah. Like how dare this person actually have a life outside of texting me. Chris Seiter:But I mean, if we’re all being honest, we’ve all been there. I’ve done it. Anna:[inaudible 00:13:17]. Chris Seiter:I think it’s a normal, natural thing, but it’s also… It’s a little… It doesn’t make you look very good. Anna:Yeah. It doesn’t. I mean that anxious state of mind will drive you to distraction. I mean, that’s why every time when I was going through my process, I threw my phone behind the couch. Chris Seiter:I was thinking of this the other day, actually. I was putting together a shoe holder for Jen and I was working with a designer on something and he hadn’t gotten back to me and he was really annoying me. And I was checking constantly, why hasn’t he gotten back? To the point where I was like, Oh, I’m getting frustrated. So I put on some music and just started working. And it took me two hours to put the stupid shoe thing together [inaudible 00:14:03] you know? And then when I had realized, Oh my God, two hours have gone by, I can’t believe it. And of course there was like five texts from him there. And then it’s interesting the other day too, I was thinking about that thing. And it fits into this concept of a flow state. Chris Seiter:I don’t know if you’ve ever researched anything about flow states, but actually I think there is something to really hitting the flow state or trying to achieve this flow state while you’re distracting yourself because time can move faster, even though it’s not really moving faster, but for you, it can move faster and it can distract you while you’re not focusing on your… That’s just… I guess it would be my suggestion, but… Anna:Yeah. Chris Seiter:I don’t know how we got over here. We’re supposed to be talking about what to expect in 2020, when we’re talking about carpentry and… Anna:Right. But it’s a nice sidebar. When you’re building rapport, I think especially in a pandemic, right, in 2020, and I think we’re going to be seeing this also in 2021, when your movements are restricted and when your social interactions are severely restricted, all right? We’re going to see increased rates or continued higher rates of anxiety and depression, which is going to have a direct impact on your ability to build rapport and to maintain emotional control, when you try to build rapport or connect with your ex, right? Because what we’re experiencing now, it’s not as if when January 1st, 2021 happens, the world will be a much better place, we’ll be able to go outside and do all these things. I think that we should expect in anyone who’s building rapport or in the middle of a breakup, right. In 2021, we should expect more of 2020 just as we’re experiencing it now until about at least April or May. Chris Seiter:I would actually… I hate to break it to everyone. My opinion is that 2021 is going to be pretty shot too. I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but like everywhere, you’re not allowed to go in without the mask. Anna:I live in Georgia so… Chris Seiter:It’s a little… I live in Florida, so it’s pretty much the same thing, but at least in my town where I live, the mask and I actually can’t imagine the mask mandate going away for a…

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Success Story: Exactly How She Got Her Long Distance Army Ex Back Nov 24, 2020

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I’m SUPER excited to introduce you guys to Karina one of our Ex Recovery Program members who got her ex back. I had the pleasure of sitting down with her last week for about an hour and got to ask her all kinds of different questions about how she succeeded in getting her ex back. So, if you’ve ever wondered; What a long distance success story looks like How it’s possible to get an army ex back About real tips that actually worked for someone Then you’re going to love this success story interview. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How Karina Got Her Long Distance Army Ex Back Chris Seiter:I am recording. All right, so today, we’re going to be talking to Karina, who is a member of our private Facebook support group. She’s boughten some of our programs, and she has gotten her ex back, but she hasn’t seen him yet. And what’s interesting is I don’t know her situation like the back of my hand, but I’m assuming there’s some sort of long-distance situation going on there and next Friday, she’s going to be seeing him for the first time since getting him back. And she’s going to tell us the entire story of how they broke up and how they got back together, but first off, I just want to say welcome to the podcast, Karina. Karina:Hi. Chris Seiter:All right. So, man, there’s a lot to cover here. You have yourself a real interesting situation. So, why don’t we just start from the beginning. What caused this breakup? Karina:Well, that time, he broke up with me in September when he just got back from deployment. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, he’s an Army guy? Karina:He’s in the Army, yes. Chris Seiter:Okay. Karina:Well, we’d been almost together for seven years and- Chris Seiter:Wow, seven years together? Karina:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, he broke up with you in September of this year. Well, it didn’t take you long to get him back at all. I’m sure it was miserable, though. Karina:Yes, because it was out of the blue. I was not expecting that. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, he gets back from deployment and he out of the blue breaks up with you. How does he break up with you? Karina:Well, he came back in August and he had to go back to Oklahoma because that was his last duty station since he came back three years ago from Korea. I live in Texas, he lives in Oklahoma, and it’s four or four and a half hours away from us. I saw him for two weeks and he came to Texas because he had his stuff here and his car and he needed it. We had this house here together. Chris Seiter:So, you owned a house together. Karina:I own a house, but- Chris Seiter:You own a house, but he was living with you. Karina:Yes. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, you were living together. You’re together for seven years. When he came to visit you in Texas, had he already broken up with you? Karina:No, but something was odd. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, your spider sense is tingling. You’re like, “Okay, something’s up.” Karina:Yeah, I had this gut feeling. I mean, we didn’t see each other for a year. Of course, he was deployed and the greeting was kind of messed up. Chris Seiter:Define messed up. He just does some sort of awkward hug, like Voldemort did in Harry Potter? Karina:Yeah, it was awkward. It was just awkward because I was expecting him late in the afternoon, and then I was outside and all of a sudden I come in and I had this friend in my house that I didn’t know of and I was kind of…caught me by surprise. Chris Seiter:Hold on. So, I guess he had keys to go home. He comes home. And then you are getting off work. You come home and you’re just, all of a sudden there’s this random person in your house? Karina:Yes. Chris Seiter:Is the random person a girl or a guy? Karina:No, it is a guy. Chris Seiter:Okay. Well, at least it’s a guy. Okay, so… Karina:It was awkward because I didn’t know him. I could not put face and face together. I never met him. Chris Seiter:So, maybe he was bringing a friend for support because he knew he was gonna break up with you. And he was like, “I know if someone’s there. She won’t freak out.” Karina:No, no, not like that. He picked him up from Oklahoma because his car was here the whole time. Chris Seiter:Okay. Karina:And he had no right and… Chris Seiter:So, this random guy is just sitting in your kitchen. And just you’re like, “What the heck is this?” Karina:Yeah. So, it was kind of awkward. And I did not know that. Well, I kind of knew that his friend’s bringing him in here. And is doing him a favor because he had to come to the town anyway, his friend. So, he gave him a ride here. So, but he was just standing here in a living room and I’m like, “Okay, hold on. Who are you?” And then he came around a corner. I guess he was looking for me in the house. And yeah, he gave me a hug, he kissed me and it was kind of awkward because we didn’t see each other for a year and his friend was here that I don’t know off. Chris Seiter:Oh, I get it. So you’re like expecting this really romantic. Karina:Yeah. Chris Seiter:But like, “Oh my god, you’re back.” And instead you get this awkward hug and kiss and some third parties sitting there and watching it all. Karina:Yeah, that was very awkward. Chris Seiter:That’s pretty weird. Yeah. So, does he cut ties with you immediately? Or does he…? Karina:No. He was here for two weeks before he had to go back. He told me he wanted to do this school and army that’s really hard. And people don’t pass it. But he wants that, to do that school for his career. Chris Seiter:Is it a sniper type school or Navy SEAL? Karina:No, no. He is air defense. It was something for that to get promoted faster, and be in a better position to get better jobs when you get out of the army. Chris Seiter:Got it. Karina:So, it was very important for him. I knew about this. And he told me it was start. I think it was the beginning of…no, the 13th of September. So, he was here for two weeks. It was kind of awkward. He was always distant. He was always on his phone, distant, he didn’t want to do anything. And I took off for a week because I wanted to do something with him and my two kids. My previous kids from two previous marriages. Chris Seiter:Okay, I see. So, you have two kids and he’s kind of you’ve been with this guy for seven years. And you just wanted sort of the family to be back together? Karina:Yes. And it was kind of he was not there. So I knew, “Oh, my God, something is wrong.” Chris Seiter:So, he was physically present, but not emotionally present. Is that an accurate way of looking at it? Karina:Yes. I mean, he’s general unemotional but this time, it was… Chris Seiter:Stone Cold. Karina:Yes. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, I’m assuming when you kind of sense, “Hey, he’s much more withdrawn the normal,” you confront him about it? Karina:I tried, but I couldn’t because I was in my own mental health stage. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, I mean the dam is going to break here. So, how does this breakup occur? Who initiates it? Karina:After the two weeks, it seemed to be normal again. We talk on the phone a lot or texting a lot during the day. It was a normal thing for us. He was not only my lover, and my partner, he was my best friend too. I tell him everything. And I was at work and five days before he had to go to school that I got a long text message at work. Chris Seiter:All right. So, it was just a text breakup? Karina:Yes. Chris Seiter:What does this long text message basically say? Just give us the gist. Karina:That he was thinking about it, about the future and that he has to think about himself and he cannot go on with this. And he has to think about his career and but he still wants to support me and wants to be friends with me, and that he still loves me and my kids but he cannot go on like this. So, there was no indication what exactly was wrong. Chris Seiter:He just said, “Hey, I can do this anymore.” And then just… Karina:Yes, basically, but I couldn’t read the whole text because it was long and then I was at work. He knew I was at work. I mean, since years and years, five years, I’m working in the same place. He knows when I got off and when I have to work. So, it caught me by surprise. And I called him at work. And he was saying me basically the same things. Sorry. Chris Seiter:It’s okay. Karina:I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Chris Seiter:Okay, the whole… Karina:Yeah. Chris Seiter:That whole spiel. So… Karina:Yes. Chris Seiter:All right. So, what is your first reaction to this? Do you immediately go into panic mode and try to fix things? Do you immediately kind of say, “Well, screw you. I’m going to do my own thing.” Do you go to the internet and start searching for ex boyfriend recovery? What’s your first approach to this? Karina:Well, I hang up on him while he was talking. Chris Seiter:So, anger, anger? Karina:Anger. Not only anger, I was shocked. I was in a state of shock. So, I hang up on him because I couldn’t hear his voice. I didn’t want to hear his voice and all this. How can you say that bs? Because it didn’t make any sense to me. Chris Seiter:It seems like there’s some aspect of the equation that he’s not telling you. Karina:Yes. So, I even asked him on a phone. “Do you have found somebody else, did you met somebody else?” And he was saying no. And when he told me, okay, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” That was for me the point okay, I hang up on you and I crashed at work. I had to go home, I was crying, I was on the floor. I did not want that he hears that over the phone that I was crying because I’m the kind of person that end showing weakness. And then, basically, I went home. I didn’t know what to do. I called my mom in Germany because…so, oops. Chris Seiter:Looks like your mom’s calling you. Karina:No. Sorry. And then I called my mom and she was like, “Yeah, there’s nothing you can do leave him alone.” Basically Chris Seiter:All right. So, the age old advice of just like, “Well, we’re just gonna leave him alone at this point.” Karina:Yeah, let him think about it. Leave him alone. Chris Seiter:And it’s never that easy. Is it? You still… Karina:No, it’s not. It took me four days. Chris Seiter:Okay, four days before what happens? Karina:That I sent him begging text. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, what does the begging text say? Like, “Just please, rethink.” Karina:Yeah, I love him, he’s my best friend. How can I fix this? Chris Seiter:Right, Okay. Karina:He was cold. He was very cold. He was like, “Yeah, you have to respect my decision. And I already told you, and it’s over.” And I keep asking and asking, and like, “Why is it over?” And because I wanted to know what happened here. Because it was out of the blue. It did not make any sense to me. And then he texted more things like, “I told you so many times what the problem was, and you keep ignoring it.” Chris Seiter:Okay. So, he’s saying he’s told you what the problem is. What does he mean by that? Karina:It basically to start it when he got deployed the first time to Korea. And I started getting depressions. Chris Seiter:Okay. So he’s worried, he feels like your mental health is attached to his being away from you. And he feels almost like guilt from that, or what is his thinking behind that? Karina:Basically, I was not communicating that time for three years. And try to hide it and just started complaining about my job, my life, my kids, everything. I was negative. Chris Seiter:Well, that doesn’t seem an abnormal thing. Unless it is maybe just overly negative. Is that how he perceives it? You’re just too negative? Is that what… Karina:[inaudible 00:13:47] not me. He knew. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, maybe it’s more of like, “Well, you’re not the person I thought I was dating.” Karina:Yes. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, that’s how he frames it. And I’m sure you don’t take this information too kindly. Do you? Karina:No because at this point, I mean, we were almost seven years together and how could he do something like that? Chris Seiter:That’s a long time. Karina:But for him was all the time…even though he said on the phone, the last phone call we had and he said, “You never communicate.” And that was another one of those problems. That I’m eating everything inside and then out of the blue, I’m going to explode. And he tried to give me advice for everything the last three years and try to help me and I was just basically sitting there and say, “I know, I know. I know.” And he couldn’t take it anymore. Because I developed anxiety, a panic attack, I couldn’t drive anymore, and I wasn’t with the speed razor. And he felt like he was failing, and he couldn’t help me anymore. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He had no choice to break up. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, that seems like he’s communicating that pretty well. But obviously, you still want him back. So eventually at some point, you probably go to YouTube or you could probably come to Google or something you find some of the stuff I’m writing about, I was talking about and you buy into the program. What was your experience like from that point? Karina:Well, after that bagging text and it didn’t work out so well. Chris Seiter:Yeah, those usually don’t work to well. Karina:Yeah, it didn’t work. I was trying, I was like, “Okay,” Chris Seiter:Everyone does it. So don’t… Karina:Yeah, I’m like, “Okay you cannot [inaudible 00:15:52]can be that seven years. And you tell me you love me and I try to understand that phrase, what Americans say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” It’s not something like that European people use Chris Seiter:Yeah, yeah. That’s an interesting thing, isn’t it? Karina:Yeah, I kind of understand that. And then I came, start googling right away after that text message didn’t went well, because he just blew me off. He was just like, “I need to go I have to work, I have to study for my school.” And one of the final sentence was like, “Work on yourself or work on myself.” So, I knew what the problem was at this point. And I was like, “How can I fix this? And how can I get him back?” And yeah, and I found you. Bought your program and start reading. Chris Seiter:You start reading, you start watching the videos, listening to audio. I saw I noticed you weren’t active participant in the Facebook group. Because before our interview, I was going back and looking at some of the things that you were posting and responding to people. But what I always find is interesting when people buy into the program, not everyone has the same path within the program. Some people use parts of it. Some people don’t use it at all. Some people use it to a tee. What was your experience with regards to that? Did you try to follow it as closely as possible? Did you have any hiccups? Did you make any mistakes? Karina:No, that day it was September 10. That was the day when I went to no contact. Chris Seiter:Okay, September 10. You learned about the No Contact Rule. You’re like, “Okay, I’m going to try this.” Karina:Yeah. Chris Seiter:How hard was that? Karina:Very, very hard. Very hard. Chris Seiter:It’s like going through another breakup. Did you fail? Karina:No. Chris Seiter:Wow. Okay, so you’re one of two out of 10 people don’t fail on the first try. So, what do you do during no contact? Karina:To be honest, I went crazy. Chris Seiter:Okay, well, at least you’re honest. Karina:I went nuts. Because you have you went through all those emotions okay. Especially with me when you with somebody so long and out of the blue, being ice cold, and they’re like, “Ha, why doesn’t he love me anymore? And I’m useless. I’m not worth that.” But then, like I said, I started reading your program, I started watching videos, not only yours from other people about relationships, men, how men think and during no contact. I wanted to know everything. That was basically what helped me. Chris Seiter:So, you said you start watching videos. Were they just general videos on how men think in relationships, or is it specifically about how men think during no contact? Karina:Everything, both. Chris Seiter:Okay, all right. Karina:B…

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