The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

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Success Story: She Got Her Ex Husband AND Her Ex Boyfriend Back Feb 23, 2022

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Today we’re going to be talking to CJ, who is one of the success stories from our program. She has one of the more interesting stories because not only did she get her ex boyfriend back but her ex husband came back as well. So, if you are interested in learning about, How to get an ex husband back/ex boyfriend back How her ex husband used ex recovery program tactics on her (and how they still worked) Why it’s important to allow someone to miss you instead of trying to make them miss you Then you definitely came to the right place. Let’s get started. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Learn How CJ Got Her Ex Boyfriend & Husband Back Chris Seiter 0:00Awesome. All right. Today we’re going to be talking to CJ, who has quite an interesting story. She’s one of the more recent success stories that we’ve had in the Facebook group. And we’re just going to be sitting here and asking her questions about how she was successful in sort of reuniting with her ex. But first things first, how are you doing CJ? CJ 0:21I’m doing good. How are you doing? Chris Seiter 0:24You know what I’m not doing so great. To be honest with you, I just found out I’m going to need a major knee reconstruction surgery the other the other day, so that kind of put a damper on my happiness a little bit. So while you’re running? Yeah, so I basically ran 10 miles a day on a broken kneecap, which, apparently is not a good idea. So yeah, so um, besides that, we’re talking about you not so much me. So why don’t you take me back to kind of like the beginning here and sort of clue us in on your situation. CJ 0:58Um, I do have a unique situation. So I actually joined ERP to get a person back that day, and I was very much in love with. But in the process of that, I decided I didn’t want him back. And another very unlikely ex did come back to me it was someone actually, I dumped but and I didn’t want him but he actually used ERP style tactics on me to get me back, which is hilarious, because I know he didn’t have he didn’t do ERP. But yeah, it’s kind of he was very, I never wanted him back. So it’s actually funny. That that’s how it worked out. Yeah. Chris Seiter 1:43So you know, what’s really interesting about what you just said, I’ve noticed from just interviewing lots of people, the one of the more interesting things that happens when you try to like, like this, the old adage, when you’re trying to get this one ex back, it’s the other ex that you didn’t want to come back that actually comes back, I find that happens a lot. But in your case, it seems like it happened. And now you’re happy with that person? CJ 2:09Yeah, the relationships actually a lot better than it was before. I mean, he did a lot of things to change and make himself better. And I also grew with myself, I made myself better. And I think that’s why our relationship is a billion times better than it was before. It’s not even the same relationship. It’s like, we’re not even the same people. Which is great. So Chris Seiter 2:35yeah, I mean, obviously, you want to improve when you sort of get back together, so that relationship can survive. But let’s go back. So you’re so you are trying to get this ex back. And obviously, you did something, you put something out into the universe that somehow attracted this other egg. So why don’t we like talk about that stuff? CJ 2:55Yeah, I’m so in the process of, you know, trying to get this other guy back. And ironically, he actually has been messaging me like crazy now, like this other ex, you know, it’s like, you know, he’s like, I want you back or, like, the time has passed, dude, I’m sorry. Um, but I just started working on me. I started just realizing that I had a very anxious attachment style. And I was very worried about my, I think I had a big ego issue. I didn’t like to be dumped. I didn’t like someone leaving me. And so I just started working on that, and learning how to call my emotions. I read a lot of books, listen to a lot of podcasts. And then I kind of just kind of practice that and learn how to let go of things. Like I would just like internalize and think, Okay, why do I feel this way? Why is this emotion happening? And I think that helped me kind of build up who I was, and make myself feel better about the situations and I use this a lot in the group, I say, you know, flip the script. So if I, like, for instance, you know, I was always worried when this ex was with, you know, the girls like, oh, this other girl is better than me. But then I was like, no, no, I’m gonna flip the script now. And I, a girl in the group actually use this mic. Example. And it really made me feel good, but was like, No, that girl’s just a bandaid. I’m way better than her. He’s just using this other girl to make himself feel better because he misses me so much. And so, you know, it was like kind of a nice way to make myself feel better, but it might be true. I don’t know could be true. Chris Seiter 4:39I think it might have been true especially if both exes have kind of come back. What’s interesting is you mentioned you had kind of like this anxious attachment style. And what I what I’ve been really looking at lately is sort of the coupling of the anxious person and the avoidant person. Do you feel like what’s I mean, we’re kind of have a well have information here. So you have this X that you’re trying to get back. And then you have the x that you actually got back and it’s like snowballed. So now that you got the x that you quote, unquote, didn’t want back, the x that you did want back has come back. So ironically, it’s only when you got the x that you didn’t want back and you’re like, Okay, I want this person now. And I don’t want that x, that x actually came back. Well, it’s like, it’s, you know, it’s all crazy. But I’m interested, would you would you say you classify their attachment styles as more avoidant? When paired with your anxious attachment style? CJ 5:34The one I was trying to get back most definitely wasn’t avoided. Okay. I mean, a lot of things he would say were very. Now when I look at it, I mean, before I was taking it personally, like, oh, it’s against me, hates me. But then now I go back, and I look at some of those text messages and go, Oh, he’s doing that to push me away, because he’s avoided. He’s feeling insecure in himself. And this is his way of dealing with it. The person with now I, I think he was has always been pretty secure. So maybe, I don’t know. I mean, like, when we before we used to fight, he would need to, like have space and be gone for like a week or two. And, you know, and I would freak out and watch chase him, but he always like came back to me. So I feel like he maybe had some avoidant tendencies, but not major ones where he could handle my anxious attachment where the other one couldn’t. Does that mean? Yeah, Chris Seiter 6:31no, no, it totally makes sense. And I think it’s best to look at the attachment cells. There’s almost like percentages, because I think it’s really like you like you can easily make a blanket statement of this person’s fully an anxious person, or this person’s fully an avoidant person or fearful, avoidant, or dismissive or whatever. But I actually think we all have kind of different percentages in which we sort of lean and veer towards so even like a secure person can have moments where they’re anxious or avoidant, but they’re mostly secure, potentially what you had, there’s maybe a secure person that had a little bit of avoidant tendencies and attachment styles are kind of fluid, they can change based on who we’re with and the types of situations that we’re in. But what’s fascinating to me, is usually when I see anxious people partnering up with avoidant people, the anxious people, they’re just like, really great problem solvers. So anytime the avoidant person does something they perceive as a slight, they feel like they have to fix it. Do you feel like that was that’s pretty spot on with how you would handle like, let’s let’s just focus on the initial breakup with the ex that you wanted back initially. Do you feel like that was kind of how you were handling situations and when you’re anxious? style? Oh, CJ 7:43absolutely. I mean, if he pulled back I start texting like crazy and find gifts. And I mean, I gift horrible, the horrible letter that Chris Seiter 7:53was the most amount of money that you spent on a gift. CJ 7:57Oh my god, I’m $100 Chris Seiter 8:02not bad. I had. I had a client once who was so desperate to get her ex back because she bought him like $1,000 guitar. Like he was like a musician and everything. And I was just like, oh, like, she was like in severe debt, too. So problem solvers, I guess is my is my point. CJ 8:20Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Chris Seiter 8:22You felt like that, that pretty much sums you up in? Oh, yeah. What would you notice what happened when you would try to like successfully solve the problems because you can sense them kind of like, deteriorating, kind of like leaving? What what would happen in a relationship? CJ 8:38make it worse, he’d run away, he shut down even more. And I always took it as I’m losing control. He’s, he hates me. I mean, like, that’s the thing. I just needed to let go of that thought that taking it personally. And, but yet, he would just back away and he’d be like, and me trying to think that it’s me, it’s my problem and sort of just realizing he needed space, but eventually escalate to the point where he was like, I’m just gonna block you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. You know, it was like, terrible. And I, yeah, I like I said, I had to really learn from that. But I’m glad I joined the program, because it really helps me with that. Chris Seiter 9:18So at the time, before you joined the program, before you kind of came into our orbit, did you know at all about like any of the attachment style type stuff? No. So that didn’t have been a harrowing experience learning that, like when you when you first found out about it, did you like immediately classify yourself as an anxious person? Or did you go more towards like thinking you were secure? CJ 9:39Um, oh, I I hit the anxious right away. I mean, I noticed all the things I’m like, Oh my gosh, yeah, that’s me. That’s totally had to laugh at myself a little bit. I’m like, Oh, my God. I need to fix myself a little bit. So um, yeah, but I mean, it’s funny because all of my long relationships I’ve been the dumper. And so I mean, I’ve been the person, the person I got back. I mean, we were together for 14 years, and I dumped him. So I don’t, somewhere along the line, something happened where I was like, I became anxious. And it was probably because I developed a little bit of a low self esteem. Well, on Well, Chris Seiter 10:21I think it really goes back to that concept that we’re all kind of fluid in our in our attachment style. So you mentioned you’re together with this person for 14 years, maybe at the beginning of that you were more secure. But as time went on, and as those insecurities kind of developed, you develop those anxious attachments, and then you kind of bring that into your next relationship and especially if your next relationships with an avoidant. And you don’t really know how to handle the avoidant, it just becomes worse because they, you know, once those anxious tendencies bubbled to the surface, they kind of fall away and then you’re chasing more, they fall away even more, and it just becomes this snowball effect in a bad way. But I’m what I’m interested about more than anything is you seem to be in a very good headspace right now. So like, what were the specific steps you took after this initial breakup with this guy that you felt were important to getting you to more secure mindset? CJ 11:20Why listen to a lot of podcasts, obviously, in trying to figure out how to do less self love, and just kind of hearing my insecurities. I think one of the most beneficial things I heard in a podcast once was that, you know, letting something let be, don’t be afraid to let someone go, because letting them go, isn’t going to prevent them from coming back to you. And I think that was the big thing I was like so attached to like, hang on to them that I was afraid that if I just let go of it, that they would never come back to me. And then I just continued to hurt and was like trying to control that situation. But once I was able to just let it go and just trust that you know, whatever is going to be will be I felt better. I healed myself. I was able to go out and enjoy life. I jumped off an airplane even I just started like chasing my bucket list. I started just doing everything Chris Seiter 12:19for me. So if you want to know what makes me anxious jumping out of an airplane makes me anxious. CJ 12:25You know what’s funny is I’m terrified of heights, definitely afraid of heights Chris Seiter 12:28and I the bull by the horns. CJ 12:32I flipped it on a Sunday night. And they said well, I have I have availability, like first thing. The next morning. I’m like, let’s just do it. Let’s rip the band aid. I’m going to do it. I jumped out of an airplane. I filmed it. It was It was terrifying and awesome. So I’m glad you know. Chris Seiter 12:51Yeah, I mean, that’s, you’re better than me. We’ll put it that way. I don’t I don’t think I’d be caught dead near. I mean, I’m not like deathly afraid of heights. But there’s something about just like that life or death thing of just like a parachute is basically all that’s keeping you alive. freaks me out. So yeah, kudos to you. CJ 13:11I think I think what got me to jump out of it was the airplane like, Look just raggedy and I’m like, I don’t think it’s gonna be safe to land in the airplane. So I think I’m safer to jump Chris Seiter 13:21to essentially you lied to yourself to jump out of the air. Okay, I love it. CJ 13:27Yeah. So Chris Seiter 13:29you you kind of are practicing the self love Did you? Did you like just implement a no contact rule right away? And then during that no contact rule you’re doing that? Or did you kind of go to the beat of your own drum with approaching the breakup? CJ 13:43So well, I like didn’t know I didn’t join this program until I don’t know four or five months after the breakup. Okay, so I was definitely not doing the No Contact. Once I did the no contact on him. He definitely reacted to it. He two weeks later sent me this like long like note about you know, Don’t think I don’t ever think about you you know like that I’m not telling you this to make you make you second guess anything. I want you to find the love that’s right for you. Blah, blah blah. Of course I didn’t have enough emotional control. At that point. I responded like an idiot. But um, but it definitely, if no contact really is the way to go. I really think that people need to, when they’re in no contact, if if they could learn from my mistakes is they have to like work on themselves. Like just let the exco lead. Let except the breakup, let it happen for those 3045 days work on yourself and then think about the text. You know, I just I wish I would have had that mindset back then. But it’s so hard to have that mindset when you’re Losing Someone You really like? Chris Seiter 15:02Well, I think you really hit the nail on the head because that’s the consistency I see every time I interview people, which is like, it’s really what you’re doing with that time during no contact before you message them. And a month, like just opening up my challenge is trying to get people because, um, you mentioned before we started recording that you listened to our podcasts. And so you listen to podcasts with success stories, you probably listen to some of the other podcasts where, you know, it’s just me talking about stuff. And you’ll, you’ll see me talk about this concept, yet. It’s easy to like, logically understand, but how do I, what can I do to get people to actually put it into practice? Because you basically admitted, that…

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Success Story: Why Outgrowing Your Ex May Be The Key To Getting Them Back Jan 18, 2022

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Today we’re going to look at the benefits of outgrowing your ex. I had the pleasure of interviewing Brandon who is not only going to give us some insight into the male mind during a breakup but he’s going to share his amazing story on how he was able to recover from his breakup. So, if you’ve ever wondered, The types of thoughts that men have as they go through a breakup Why outgrowing your ex is essential How you can handle a breakup with dignity This is definitely the success story for you. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Learn How Brandon Outgrew His Ex Chris Seiter 0:02All right, today, we have a kind of a special treat, you know, most of the time on the podcast or on the YouTube videos, we’re talking to women success stories. But today, we’ve got a male success story. And it’s unique in all kinds of ways. So I’d like to introduce you to Brandon. And we’re just going to kind of organically talk and go through a situation. So how are you doing, Brandon? Brandon 0:24I’m doing just fine. Just making it through. Chris Seiter 0:27Alright, well, Brandon, just now is recovering from COVID is Vax. But still, despite that, he got COVID. And he’s starting to just now feel better. So we’re, we’re, I feel lucky that you’re good enough to actually come on here and do this. Brandon 0:45Yeah, it’s okay. It’s not too bad. It’s my pleasure. Chris Seiter 0:49All right. So why don’t you take us back to the beginning of like, how this relationship with your ex formed the break up, and then we’ll kind of keep going through there. Brandon 0:57Yeah, so um, so a little bit about me. Um, so I swim in college. I live in Georgia, but I go to school in Alabama. So it’s kind of far away from home, but not really. And when I first got to college, I had a girlfriend actually. But it was long distance. And I just told the girls like, look, I care about you. But this isn’t going to work. We’re both not in places in our life, where we can make this happen. And so it just happened to be that my ex was there. And so um, we kind of hit it off, like from the start. And like, we it was just, it is basically kind of how like, the story is always goes like, you know, the gun fired. And it was just off to the races. And, you know, we were on the same swim team, we did everything together, like we were in, even in the same clubs somehow, like, she was basically like carbon copy of me in a way, except, like a little different, like I was maybe going to school for business marketing, and she was doing business accounting. And that was pretty much the main difference. But I mean, really, were really started to change was, as we both got older, I started wanting to do things a little bit more independently, you know, away from the team and kind of grow up a little bit more. And she wanted to get closer to the team. And that’s where some of the strife really started. And then I had my own personal issues with the team and everything like that. So ended up just causing like a really weird situation. And that’s where we, that’s how we got to where we are now. Chris Seiter 2:22So how long total from when you met her to when you break up? Did you actually date like how many timeline was days? Years? Once? Brandon 2:32A week before two year anniversary? Okay, that’s pretty pretty long time. And Chris Seiter 2:42like, how serious was this rule? Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt. Brandon 2:45You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re good. You’re good. Like, seriously, that was pretty serious. Chris Seiter 2:49So you were like, like, potentially, like marriage down the road? Things like that. Brandon 2:54Oh, dude, I It’s funny. You say that all summer I had actually, I saw a coach on a swim team. I actually got a second job to pay for a ring and had actually planned on buying a ring this semester, this upcoming semester, had told my whole family like grandparents, parents, sister, like I was like, guys, like she’s the one like she’s literally like, amazing. Like, I love her so much. And, you know, um, we ran into this issue where she wanted to go to law school. And I told her, I was like, Look, I will follow you when we first met. I told her like, I’ll follow you to law school, you know, because she was like, I’m gonna go to the big SEC school. And I cool I can do that. It’s plenty of business opportunity. And then, over the summer, she goes, I want to go to Stetson University in Clearwater, Florida. And I was like, I mean, it’s got a great law program, but the business program is like, not good for an MBA. And that’s when she told me she was like, well, if we’re gonna do some long distance, I don’t want you to pop the question until after that. And that was Red flag number one. And, I mean, it was it was pretty serious. Like, we were talking like marriage, like when we were gonna, like, you know, propose, like, you know, that kind of stuff, talking about post college, like, where we wanted to go together. I mean, her family would, or at least at least, her mom would always be like, your family to us. Like, she texts me all the time and be like, thank you so much. Like, you’re so great to our daughter and stuff like that. But yeah, no, it’s pretty, pretty serious. Pretty pretty up there. Chris Seiter 4:24So this is a very serious relationship. You didn’t buy the ring yet? I’m hoping. No, no, thank the Lord. But you were thinking about it. And so eventually, you kind of allude to some problems on the swim team or some friction there and yeah, and like, what exactly causes this breakup? Is it just like a confluence of factors or is this like one clear thing? Brandon 4:51It was, it was everything to be honest. I mean, like, you know, without without like, getting to nitty gritty in it, but like the whole attachments styles and everything like, avoid. Definitely a lot of avoidant behaviors we’re in, we’re in all of it like, and I saw that for some reason it was in all of our relationship, but because of my past relationships, I was actually somehow able to be like, Hey, here’s what we can do. And it just worked. It just worked for two years. I don’t know how, but um, no, it was just, it was a lot of things. Um, I kind of butted heads with a lot of people on the team. I used to be like, like, our freshman year, we were the inaugural team, I was very, like, prominent, like, I did a lot of like, Captain like things at first. And then I didn’t get voted in to be a captain or sophomore year. And that kind of hit me really hard. Because, you know, growing up, I’ve always been, you know, that guy, like, I’ve always been, like, I’m not the, I’m not the fastest, I’m not the best. But, you know, I’m, I’m gonna be a leader. And so that hit me hard. And then the team kind of just took a turn culture wise that I wasn’t, I didn’t like and so I butted heads a lot with people. And then also, during all of that, I hit like a huge injury like, like, like, spree over two years, like that I cannot explain. I wasn’t really in the water. And then people kind of like, spun that and got very judgmental about it. And we’re just saying that I didn’t want to be here, they were making up stuff about me. And it’s just kind of created a very toxic environment for me. And, you know, where it really put a wedge between us with the team was, there’d be days she’d go to practice, and I wasn’t there because I’m sick, I’m injured, I can’t be there. And I was told not to be there. i My coaches and my trainers, and people were like, where’s Brandon? Like, where’s he at? Like, why is he not here? What’s wrong with him? And all the time, and all the time? And then, you know, people also being like, Oh, I saw you in Brandon walking the other day out of like, this building, and stuff like that. Just, I think the way and then I put it was just people that needed to grow up a little bit more. I guess. Like, it’s really? Uh, Chris Seiter 7:00yeah, I mean, to me, it seems a little bit of like peer pressure. Yeah, coming at it from from her ankle. So like, you know, you got the swim teams kind of like, why are you still dating that guy? He’s like a trader? And maybe that just begins to weigh on her potentially? Who knows? A bunch of immature babies, for sure. But yeah, eventually this breakup does happen. So we do know, you know, kind of the whispering in the ear seem to kind of get through a little bit. Brandon 7:33Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, when the breakup happened, you know, it, it didn’t hit me by surprise. And I could feel to pull back and I hated it. Because, you know, I wish I could, I wanted to do so much to help not get those pull backs. And, you know, at first I was like, Okay, I’ll just mirror it, you know, because that’s what I’ve always done is if they pull back, just give them their space, wait till they come back. Because that’s just that that’s just what a healthy relationship does. And so I would do that. But then, you know, every time I messed up, it was almost as if it was like, tenfold and, like, something just triggered on her, or like in her and, you know, it just got to a point where the day of the breakup, we’d had a fight, because I had asked, I’d accidentally because my job cuz I’m an RA. They’d planned something over our anniversary. And our, like, our anniversary night. And I felt so bad. But the only catch was, is that because we’re so busy with swimming, is that we had planned to do something that weekend anyways, and so I just told her, like, Hey, can we just move it to this weekend, like, I’m gonna be really busy that night, I was like, but we can still hang out. I just have to get this, this project done right after practice. And she did not like that at all. And she was saying stuff like versus the anniversary than it’s other things. And, you know, after after practice, we made up and she was like, you know, I love you so much. And then two hours later, she hits me with like, Brandon, I just think your pride and your ego and your anger. It’s just too much for me. And she was like, I just don’t know if you’re the one for me anymore. And I was like, oh, like I literally and all to it. Like the Wind, like the wind, the breath out of my lungs were just gone. And so I told her, I was like, Well, what do you want to do? I’m like, what can what can we do for you? Is there anything I can do for you? Because, you know, I don’t want you to feel like this. And, you know, it was kind of at first it was mutual, because I thought I told her like, let’s just take a break. I was like, I’ve been feeling burnt out too because like the stuff I was telling you like the avoidant behaviors just feeling like it was like, I had to be perfect all the time. And no, no, she was like, No, we just need a break up the next day, like the next day she comes in. She’s like, we just need to break up. This is it. I was like, oh, okay, that’s cool. Chris Seiter 10:00You know what, what’s interesting about it is it seems to me she was like looking for maybe months, any excuse to like leave, flee any authentic excuse to leave and kind of like, the good guy. And like, the anniversary thing might have just been like, Oh, this is the perfect excuse. And then, you know, I feel like potentially what was also going on is, when you offer the break in initially, she’s kind of like, Alright, we’ll see. And then the next day kind of goes by and she’s like, No, I think ultimately, it was always a no, she just didn’t want to be like that girl. That was Yeah. You know, like, gonna be like, no, like, No, I don’t ever want to date you again. She wanted to kind of she didn’t want to hurt you. Which I think, I think in a weird way ends up hurting you more, because it kind of like prolongs the breakup a little bit. But obviously, it sucks to get broken up with and probably you also have this feeling of like, Oh, she just chose to swim team over me because of all the friction and Brandon 11:02yeah, yeah. Chris Seiter 11:04So Alright, so now we’re gonna get to the fun stuff here. What? What did you do any kind of the typical crazy behaviors after the break up? Or were you pretty well behaved? Brandon 11:16Look, I, I would say the craziest thing I did. And I did two things that I really think are crazy. Besides like, maybe talking to the team about it being like, hey, like, she mad at me like what’s going on? Like, because it hit me by surprise. Because two days before that she was telling our team like some of our teammates in a room. She’s like, Brandon, I’ve been together for two years. And our coach talks about swimmers dating is such a bad thing. We’ve only had one issue ever. And it was a pattern too, because the year before that, literally almost to the day, we had had a similar issue where she like almost broke up with me. Chris Seiter 11:53Like around the anniversary. Brandon 11:56It wasn’t about the anniversary, but it was like, two days before our anniversary the year before. Chris Seiter 12:01I feel like that’s a tipping point for her for whatever reason, like and you kind of see this was avoided some time. Like there’s always like these weird tipping points in relationship moments where they’re just want to pull back. And it was just too much for Brandon 12:15Yeah, well, I mean, I was her first and like, you know, I hate having like, like, like putting it onto that. But I was her first real boyfriend of any type. And her parents are separated too. So I was just like, okay, um, but no. So I didn’t really do much of like the begging or pleading, I think what I did do was I think I texted her like, the next night at, like, 1130 at night and I said, Hey, so are we like, dun dun. And, and she goes, Yeah, that’s what I told you, isn’t it? And I was like, okay, just making sure because our pictures are still up on Instagram. Like, you didn’t take down our one year anniversary posts from last year. And she goes, Why just don’t want to be petty like that. Um, but like, it just it didn’t make any sense to me. I was like, Okay, I was like, but yet you just told me this morning that like, and then, you know, I went back and read it later, I was like, Okay, well, she was really hurting. And I was being selfish. And I thought about myself. And typically, that’s how like it happens in breakups is when we’re upset, we only think about ourselves. But then like, the next week, I, you know, I got I got lit with some friends that night, or like that, that weekend. And I like ran into her and she like, yelled at me and was like, laying into me. And all this other stuff. Because I used to hate drinking used to hate it. And then through the relationship and through just growing up, I learned to enjoy it. And not not just like enjoy it, but like, learn my boundaries. Because I have a very like traumatic past with it. My mom, like, went through a program or whatever. Um, so just just, it’s just, it’s run in my family, like, not even her like just passed. And so, um, you know, just trauma with that. And so basically like, I was just like, Why are you yelling at me? And the next day, she, she blocked me on everything, everything like and she found out I had like love like it. Oh full like hard luck, like and in and well she found out that I had gone at Tinder to based off of some guys recommendations. They’re like, just just start swiping. And I was like, okay, like, why not? Chris Seiter 14:25What irony there is, wouldn’t she need to be on Tinder also to find that out? Brandon 14:31Well, she found out through her friends. Her friends told her I was like, Yeah, I mean it, but she took it the wrong way. She was like, You’re just there to hook up with girls. If you just want to like get your body count up. That’s the way to do it. And in my head, I’m just like, I just want to feel better. Chris Seiter 14:47Like you just like looking for a distraction to dull the pain. I think he’s like an accurate way of putting it which is like a completely normal grieving process. And it’s funny, like I often talk about…

Full show notes at the publisher

**Why Does A Fearful Avoidant Pull Away? (And What To Do)** Jan 13, 2022
Show notes

This is a complete guide to understanding why a fearful avoidant pulls away.

You’re going to learn,

What A Fearful Avoidant Is

Why Understanding Their Core Wound Is Essential

What To Do When They Pull Away

So, if you’re ready to understand exactly why a fearful avoidant acts they way they do then you’re in for a treat.

Let’s begin!

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Understanding What A Fearful Avoidant Is

Before we really dive into what a fearful avoidant is we need to first give you a primer on the three “insecure attachment styles,”

The anxious attachment style

The avoidant attachment style

The fearful avoidant attachment style

Let’s start first with the traditional anxious person.

Anxious Attachment Style: This person typically requires a lot of attention and affection. They really like to feel close to their partners, it’s not uncommon for them to want to spend every single day with them. The core wound of them is that they have a fear of abandonment and being alone and so that’s what usually triggers their anxious behaviors in relationships.

Next we have the avoidant attachment style.

The Avoidant Attachment Style: They are a person that does not like a lot of emotional intimacy or vulnerability within a relationship. They typically revert a conversation back to someone else to talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight. Often that’s how you’ll figure out if they’re avoidant or not. Ultimately they are afraid of having a deeper emotional connection and it all can stem from their experience in childhood. They’ve learned that any time they are vulnerable, it can be used against them and therefore they don’t rely on other people.

Finally we have the fearful-avoidant attachment style.

The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style: It’s always best to think of a fearful avoidant as having a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors. What’s really interesting about them is that a lot of time their partner (the person they are with) will dictate what attachment style is more likely to come out.

Let’s talk a little bit about that last part because I don’t see many of my peers peeling back the layers on this.

Imagine that your partner is a fearful avoidant and let’s assume you’re a pretty anxious person.

What behaviors will your fearful avoidant exhibit?

Generally you’ll start to see avoiding behaviors crop up.

The opposite is true if you exhibit avoidant behaviors in the relationship. In that case your fearful avoidant partner will start to exhibit anxious behaviors. In some of my latest articles and videos I talk about this paradox that lies at the heart of the fearful avoidant.

They desperately want a relationship but they are often too afraid to let someone close enough to give them they love they crave.

Many people who enter into relationships with them find themselves extremely confused because the fearful avoidant likes to get close to people very quickly. However, you’ll see that after a month or two goes by there’s this subtle pull back and they begin to freeze when commitment starts to exist.

So, what’s going on here?

Ultimately it’s that avoidant quality of losing their independency within a relationship, even though they have an anxious quality that drives them to have emotional connection.

The paradox is a doozy.

If You Want To Understand Why A Fearful Avoidant Pulls Away Look At Their Core Wounds

Above I briefly mentioned the concept of core wounds.

If you want to understand why each of the insecure attachment styles is acting the way they are acting understanding their core wounds is essential. Let’s start with the two basic ones and we’ll go from there.

The Anxious Core Wound: I’m afraid of being abandoned and being alone

The Avoidant Core Wound: I’m losing my independence and myself to this relationship

So, the reason for all anxious behaviors from an anxious attachment style can be traced back to the root of this core wound of “I don’t want to be alone.” We see this a lot with our breakup clients.

Most of our clients tend to lean anxious while most of their exes tend to lean avoidant,

This means that every single time they do some crazy behaviors like,

Begging for an ex back

Leaving 100 voicemails

Showing up at their doorstep unannounced

The reason for that is that ultimate fear of abandonment. Not to say that being anxious is “bad.” On the contrary, Coach Tyler often will point out that anxiously attached people are some of the best problem solvers.

Of course, exactly like an anxious persons behavior can be traced back to their core wound so too can an avoidant person.

The avoidant is terrified of losing their independence and as a result they push people away in relationships when that person gets too close.

So, I hope you’re seeing the pattern here.

Every single action an anxious or avoidant will take is usually rooted in their core wounds. There is one odd exception though and that is fearful avoidants. This entire article is structured around the idea of helping you understand why a fearful avoidant pulls away.

Just take a look at their core wound, right?

Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that because the fearful avoidant has two core wounds.

They are afraid of being abandoned

They are afraid of losing their independence

Do you see now where the paradox comes into play with these types of individuals?

They contain BOTH the core wounds of the anxious and the avoidant.

So, how do you make sense of why they are doing what they are doing? Weirdly it’s best to look at your own behavior in the relationship with them.

If you were being particularly anxious then their avoidant side gets triggered.

If you were being particularly avoidant than their anxious side gets triggered.

So, to answer the question that this entire article is dedicated to. Usually if a fearful avoidant is pulling away from you it’s because you are triggering their avoidant core wound of, “I don’t want to lose my independence and I feel like I may be losing myself in this relationship.”

What Are You Supposed To Do When They Pull Away?

Without a doubt this is the number one question we get asked on our coaching sessions.

And here’s the truth,

There’s really not a whole lot you can do to fix the situation.

The “dating advice” industry has you incorrectly primed to look for a magic bullet. This one thing you can say or “text” to turn things around but according to our research the smartest thing to do is that when a fearful avoidants “avoiding” side gets triggered is to give them their space.

Here’s a few reasons why.

A lot of the times when an “FA” has someone that comes in and tries to do a lot of things for them, they don’t feel deserving of it, because of the core wound that they have inside of them already.

So they like to help others, but they don’t like other people to help them. And that’s where the disconnect sometimes goes, where it’s better to leave them in their own space to work through whatever stress that they’ve gotten inside their head, because they make very emotionally based decisions.

They don’t make always the most logical ones. Then later, they figure out, oh, they were just overwhelmed.

And now they’re okay.

So a lot of the times you’ll see them recover within the next three to five days so leaving them alone is really a great way to deal with the situation.

Of course, it’s always easier said than done especially when many of our clients have anxious attachment styles. Remember above when I mentioned that the anxious attachment style is arguably the greatest “problem solver?” Well, I’ve noticed they tend to have an extremely difficult time with letting a fearful avoidant have space.

It literally goes against everything they’ve been programmed to do since childhood.

After all, they need to “fix this.”

If you think this is going to be you then here’s my best recommendation, find a problem or purpose you can solve outside of your partner and focus on that for a while. Lately I’ve been really in to helping my clients find their “magnum opus.”

Basically that thing that you want to be remembered for the rest of your life and by focusing on that, on something outside of your relationship and problem solving it, it might be enough to help you begin to exhibit more securely attached behaviors.

Which is what everything you do should be about.

We’ve actually had some success with this reframing of priorities.

Often in my success story interviews with clients you’ll hear them talk about the basic concept,

“When they pull back, you pull back.”

Essentially a much cooler way of saying, “I need to give my partner space.” What they don’t usually disclose during those interviews is what they are doing with that space they are giving their ex.

Psst… here’s the secret;

They are focusing on problem solving something that they feel gives their life meaning.

I suggest that’s the place you start if you find yourself in a similar situation.
The post Why Does A Fearful Avoidant Pull Away? (And What To Do) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Success Story: He Left Her When She Was Pregnant (Now She’s Married To The Man Of Her Dreams) Dec 27, 2021

Show notes

This is a doozy of a success story that I have for you today. I had the honor of interviewing Rachel who not only got her ex back but ended up getting married to the man of her dreams in the process. So, if you’ve ever dealt with a breakup that had any of the following elements, An ex who is a fearful avoidant An ex who left you when you were pregnant An ex who moved on to someone new only to come back Then this is definitely the success story you should watch/listen to. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How Rachel Got Her Ex Back, Denied Him, And Then Married The Man Of Her Dreams Chris Seiter 0:00All right, today we’re gonna be talking to a really interesting success story. Her name is Rachel. She’s a member of the ERP Facebook group. And she’s got quite the tale to tell. How are you doing, Rachel? Rachel 0:12I am doing good. How are you? Chris Seiter 0:15Hanging in there? So let’s go back to the beginning and relive some of this depressing stuff. Oh, joy. Rachel 0:22Oh, yes. Okay. Chris Seiter 0:23Right. So yeah, take us to the beginning and talk us through sort of your unique situation because it has a really cool ending. Rachel 0:33Alright, so do you mean the beginning of the breakups the beginning beginning of the relationship? Chris Seiter 0:39Yeah, let’s go to the breakup. Just just let’s get to the goods. Let’s let’s get right down to it. Rachel 0:48Um, so the beginning. So he is an ex fiance of mine. And so I have to tell a little bit of the pre breakup story. Okay. Chris Seiter 0:59Yeah, let’s just give us like a quick crash course primer into into him. Rachel 1:03Yeah. Okay. So basically him and I met fell in love super fast. And basically, we got pregnant the first time plan to get married and we let that pregnancy happen. Okay, so we were all in he was super excited, unfortunately, had a miscarriage. He was devastated. I of course, was devastated. So that’s a really hard thing for relationship. And then he ended up calling off the wedding. So um, Chris Seiter 1:34so did he do this? He did this after the miscarriage. Rachel 1:37He called off the wedding after the miscarriage. Yes. It’s like just Chris Seiter 1:41rubbing salt into the wound, you know? Yeah. Rachel 1:44Yeah. Um, you know, looking back, that was several years ago. Now, looking back. We don’t know why we made the choices we do sometimes. Like, if I could talk to myself, I’d be like, Why are you giving this guy the time of day, but sometimes you don’t want your reality to be your reality. Right? So we’ll do anything to not have that be your reality. And so that wasn’t the end of the story for us. And that was also not what brought me to your program. Um, we basically stayed quote unquote, together but not together since now commitment was even scarier. And then towards the end of that year I we had been long distance to so I always told them I would never do more than a year long distance. And I don’t like cold weather. So I moved wanted to move to warmer place regardless, so I knew knowing not, Chris Seiter 2:37yeah, other songs. Rachel 2:41Even now, I’m like, Oh, this 50 degree winters too cold. Chris Seiter 2:45Yeah, exactly. You got to like go to Hawaii or something to get to get rid of those winters. Exactly, exactly. Rachel 2:53Just gonna keep going further. So so basically moved down here, um, knowing it wasn’t like a surefire shot with the sky. But I also knew that I wanted to know, for better or for worse, to use that term, right? If this was not going to work, I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t that I was gonna let it go. And if it was gonna work, I wanted to give it that shot. So that was the other part of my decision to move. It wasn’t like, let’s move together. I moved to the same area, and we did get back together. And eventually I was like, why are we not engaged again and again, still before I found your fee, and then eventually I was like, Don’t come back unless you have a ring I’m done for a variety of reasons. Chris Seiter 3:36The ultimatum you know. Rachel 3:40And that was for again, a variety reasons why and take up too much time on the backstory. Chris Seiter 3:46I gotta say, I’m with you so far here, you know, yeah, you moved. It’s like you should do something. Rachel 3:53Yeah, we weren’t even living together. But so yeah, so basically, a he was not a fan no man is a fan of an ultimatum Right? Any woman that’s considering it highly recommend you do not do it? Even if it’s for the moment not thought out? Like my case. Don’t say it if you’re angry. You can’t say it. You nodding your head over there. Nodding Chris Seiter 4:18just like yeah. Music to my ears. Rachel 4:24So that was just before the holidays. And you know, typically, you know, I’ve had a bunch of axes in the past almost every single one I’ve gotten back. Um, I am. Yeah, I like organically been the No Contact Rule person because I was just like, No, this guy doesn’t want me well then. Screw him. Like, I’m gonna make him see what it’s like not have your own. Chris Seiter 4:48Beautiful, love it. Rachel 4:51Yeah, and also I don’t want to reach out and then be rejected. So it’s ungettable but it’s also fear based. Okay, Chris Seiter 4:57so don’t talk about that part. Rachel 5:01Okay, so um, so basically go through the holidays, which typically, if exes are looking for an excuse to reach out, that’s a big one where it’s like, oh, Merry Christmas, like, how have you been, you know, nothing silence and then mid January, I hear from Him and He wants to meet up. And we have like a three hour long conversation and all of a sudden, like, he can’t picture his life without me and we can elope because one of our arguments was I didn’t want a big fancy wedding, I want it to elope and we can go to the courthouse the next day and yada yada and all this stuff. And all right. And that same night despite precautions our daughters can see. Okay, yeah. Here’s a really, okay, we’re not done yet. It gets better. So we’re could supposedly back together, right? And then he hasn’t talked to me for three or four days. Of course, I find out two weeks later, I’m pregnant. And when I did talk to him, he was like, he was like, Well, I don’t think we should jump back into things. And I was like, Chris Seiter 6:05What are you talking about? Docked me up, dude. Rachel 6:09Well, he doesn’t know that yet. Because we found that about a week later. But don’t tell me you want to get married and all this stuff and then disappear off into the great wide world somewhere. Chris Seiter 6:19I’m mad for you. Um, Rachel 6:24so okay, we’re still probably around 11 months away from the ERP breakup, right? So basically, I get pregnant. It’s a bumpy, bumpy pregnancy. He doesn’t. Here’s one thing he doesn’t believe the baby is his because we were broken up for that time, right in between when he came back. Chris Seiter 6:40Did he make you take a test or something? Rachel 6:43Oh, wait until they tell you. Yes, yes, you did after she was born. Chris Seiter 6:49So cringy, you know, Rachel 6:51there was no possible way that this was anybody else’s baby. Like I literally said to him, I was like, if it’s not your baby, then Jesus says, Come again. And you need to like Chris Seiter 7:01through the Virgin Mary. Rachel 7:05So um, anyways, so yeah, we broke up like once or twice during the pregnancy, like, obviously, pregnancy hormones. I can’t go out with him and have drinks anymore. I can’t do a lot of the fun things because pregnant women can’t do a lot of stuff if they want to take care of their child. So there was all types of reasons that we weren’t getting along wonderfully. He also was not very supportive of the pregnancy. He traveled a lot for work at that point. And then so she comes along, and we’re getting to the breakup. But to answer your question, she comes along, and two months after she’s born, so we were not officially living together, but somewhat living together after she was born. One day, he basically says, I don’t think this is going that well. I don’t think we should live together, you need to move out. So me and our two month old baby. Um, I’m on maternity leave from work. And I’m like, Well, I’m not staying 1000 miles away from my family when the father of my child slash ex fiance tells me he doesn’t think we can live together but we can still hang out, which was his word. So you don’t know. It doesn’t really see. So I’m going to go back to my home state for the holidays. Which he was an angry about. And, but then again, I never wanted. I don’t think any woman is like, I really hope when I grew up, I am a single mom. Chris Seiter 8:27Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Rachel 8:30And so it was at that point that I started looking for. How to get things back together. In your pro cam, that’s not the first time in my life. I’ve been like, Googling how to do whatever, like do I text him first? All that stuff. Right, right. But it was the first time that I came across your program. And what I really liked about it was it applied different theories. It had elements of programs I had looked at and been in before, but it also had some stuff I hadn’t done before. So that’s about the time that I found you guys and jumped in and then I also did coaching with Anna to Chris Seiter 9:16definitely helps. And is great, isn’t she? He Rachel 9:21is wonderful. They like in our first call, like she’s hearing the story and of course it’s different when at that point I think Chris Seiter 9:29probably like she’s probably like gathering the war. You know, like the war party behind her to go like raid this guy’s house or something for how he treated you. Rachel 9:38She literally like she was very reserved, but she said to me, are you sure you want this guy back? Like obviously trying not to be like, What the heck are you doing? But she’s probably laughing if and when she listens to this and hears that but um yeah, he supported what I wanted, and gave me the game plan. In, which wasn’t very different than the game plan in your book, it was basically the same except additional coaching on how to do Chris Seiter 10:08books like recommended reading. She usually sends those those really long homework things out with those books. Rachel 10:15Yeah, I was a bad student. Chris Seiter 10:17Oh, shame on you, Rachel. Rachel 10:20No, I know I was a bad student. But I mean, being a single mom working full time, like there’s not a lot of time to read books. Chris Seiter 10:28Yeah, so you got the two month old three month old screaming every day. You’re running on three, four hours of sleep every night? Yeah, I get it. Rachel 10:36Yeah. Yeah. So I like I was listening to the podcast version and to reading. I keep rereading, and then I had battle buddies with your group, and stuff like that. So yeah, so ultimately, what happened is, I followed the program. Of course, they didn’t do it perfectly. I think it’s really hard to do that it did lose EC or emotional control a time or three and have to restart. Um, but he came back about 15 months later after the breakup. Chris Seiter 11:10I know, I’m old is your daughter at this point? Rachel 11:14Um, she would have been? No, she was 15 months old. So it must have been 17 months after the breakup. Okay. So I’m thinking Wait, it was February. Yeah. So she must have been 1414 folder. So Chris Seiter 11:31you had moved back to your home state? Correct. At that point. Rachel 11:35I did not move back. I only went back there for maternity leave. Okay, I Chris Seiter 11:39ended up so it kind of came back to where he was. Rachel 11:43Yeah, because one cost of living was better. I have to give her myself, Chris Seiter 11:50too. You want to play together? Rachel 11:54On my family together? But even if it didn’t, she need I don’t want to be I didn’t want to be that stereotypical baby mama that everyone hates who like who she was? Let me see my child, you know, like? So? Yeah, for a variety reasons. I did move back here. And how often Chris Seiter 12:11How often would you like you mentioned throughout this process, you would lose emotional control? Would that happen when you would like have to, he would like come around to see her. Rachel 12:24So when I first was back here, it was very confusing. Because he started he was super nice to me, he would be like, Let’s do family dinners on Sundays. And like all this stuff that literally felt like a family Chris Seiter 12:38show. avoidant to me. Rachel 12:42Yeah, that’s what the coach said to, um, and so, you know, and hold back as much as I could. And then I’d be like, Well, what’s going on? Why can’t we like, try this? Why can’t we be a family? So probably my mistake there was just not holding back enough to make to force it out of him. Yeah. But there’d be you know, so that was the loss of emotional control. I think there was one night that he had her that I allowed myself too much wine and decided nothing else was working. So I was gonna call him and tell him how I felt, which is obviously exactly what you don’t want to do. Chris Seiter 13:23That doesn’t really work. Yeah. Rachel 13:28So yeah, so basically, you know, eventually I got to the point, I couldn’t do it. 100%. organically, I’ll be very clear about that. I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t care, especially like, the family aspect to seeing him weekly or more, because we share a very young child. I did not know what was actually going on in the background at that time, which is there was another woman in the picture, surprise, surprise, which he very carefully hid for me in every sense of the word. And Chris Seiter 13:59do you know how far back that went? Rachel 14:02So Chris Seiter 14:04God is we’re opening up these horrible, it’s like, I’m ripping open scabs here. Something I mean, but I feel like it’s important to touch on because I create some insight into the breakup. Rachel 14:16He, so they had actually met in college. And Chris Seiter 14:22what’s his ex? Rachel 14:24No, no, I didn’t date in college. Chris Seiter 14:27All right. They got away. Rachel 14:30Potentially. Yeah. And so she, she was actually married. So he at one point, him and I were talking about relocating together and she was married and lived in that same state. And while I was pregnant, one day, we’re out and his Snapchat kept blowing up and I was like, Who’s her name? I’m gonna leave it out. Right? Right, right. It’s like, oh, that’s my friend from college. She’s married. She lives in the same state. We’re talking about moving to and I was like, Oh, that’s so great. Like, you know, we’ll have friends when we go out there. Turns out, you’re, you’re so Chris Seiter 15:02kind See, see, my wife would not be that way. She’d be like, Why are you talking to someone who’s married? And you’re moving to the same state? So it’s not like it’s such a kind hearted person, Rachel is all I’m saying, you know, this glass half full? Yeah, I look at it, I look at it like it is. In this case, it was a disadvantage, but in most cases, it’s an advantage. Rachel 15:31So I did ask him that question. And he was like, Well, you know, obviously, things haven’t been perfect. But that’s during this pregnancy. And I was kind of asking her because she’s married, like, is it supposed to be this difficult and getting her insight on that? And I was like, well, has she ever been pregnant? He said, No. And then I was like, well, then how would she know? And he was like, I don’t know. And I was like, Okay, well, you should be talking to me about this, not her. Because I didn’t want to open a whole can of worms. But to me, that’s emotional cheating. And it leads to the destruction of relationships, um, Chris Seiter 16:00is, it’s like a gateway drug. That’s what it’s like. Rachel 16:04Yeah. And so they were at least talking when I was pregnant at some point, but she must have been, he must have told a half truth and that she was actually getting separated. Because that was when I was about six months pregnant. And when pr…

Full show notes at the publisher

Success Story: Dating Other Men Made Her Ex Come Back Dec 20, 2021

Show notes

Today we’re going to be talking to one of our success stories, Jamie Cantrell. She has an incredibly interesting story because she created all this momentum that led to her ex trying to get back with her. She did this of course by dating other men and reclaiming her ungettable status. Let’s listen and learn how she did it. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How She Got Him Back By Dating Other Men Chris Seiter 0:03All right, today we’re gonna be talking to another success story. This one has quite the saga. I was like, really? So this is Jamie Cantrell, everyone. She’s got a really interesting story. I was reading through a lot of your posts on our Facebook group. And it seems like you you were broken up from for from your ex for quite a long time before you got him back. Jamie Cantrell 0:25Yeah, 10 bucks. Yep. Yeah, it’s Chris Seiter 0:28been almost a year basically. Yeah. So why don’t you take us back to the beginning? Like, I know, it’s probably hard to kind of go back to revisit a breakup. But can you can you kind of maybe explain what the breakup, like? What happened to make that occur? Jamie Cantrell 0:47Sure, sure. So, we had been together for almost four years. And of course, we’re older in our 50s. And he seemed to be a very kind of a dismissive avoidance. So I learned a lot of those terms through your program, I was first introduced to that. And he kind of started pulling some things that I felt were very inappropriate with a co worker, and I just wasn’t okay with it. And so, you know, I called him out on it. He just dismissed it kind of did a lot of gaslighting. So I said, Hey, I need a break for a couple of weeks to think about this and process it. After those two weeks, I contacted him and said, Hey, here’s what I want for my life. You know, we’ve been together for years, is this relationship progressing? Is it going anywhere? Because if it is, let’s work on this? If not, hey, let me know now. And I’ll move on. And so I always considered myself as you would call a very ungettable girl. And so I kind of laid that ultimatum, if you will, out there. And he kind of said, yeah, no, I don’t, I don’t see us going anywhere, I don’t want to ever get married, and you need to go find somebody else. And we’re just too much alike. And we’re not enough alike. And he just kind of talked in circles and absolutely caught me off guard, I was not prepared for that. So I did the breaking up. But then I was the one that came back and said, Hey, I really want this to work. We have so much invested and he acted like he didn’t want it to work. So I did a little bit of the crazy stuff like you talked about that I’m not very proud of a woman that knows better. I did a little bit of the calling and the texting. And and, and finally I just said, Okay, I stumbled upon your program, actually, it’s what happened after I blocked him and then unblocked him, you know, because we do those crazy things when we’re hurt. And I and I stumbled upon your program, and I just delved into it just 100% did a 30 day no contact, then we kind of I reached out, and then he would go three weeks and not reach out. And then we’d reach out again. So we just kind of back and forth reached out a little bit to each other over the next several months. And he still was just stubborn and did not want to really let me you know, compromise with me or give me any hope that there was a progression to this relationship. And, you know, I probably in your words from your program, I probably pushed the envelope a little bit. But at my age, and after four years, if we’re not going somewhere, let me know. So I can move on. You know, I’m I finally I think through your program. Remember that ungettable girl that I’ve always been and I kind of lost her there for just a little bit. And I think that’s what’s great about your program is even very high quality, high value women can lose ourselves in a relationship when especially powerful women because we like to be in control. And when we feel like we’re out of control, that kind of throws us a little bit. So I got that girl back. And I just implemented everything in your program. And I’ve got some really great stories of how that worked. So well. And then yeah, about Thanksgiving just a couple of weeks ago, he messaged and said, I love you, I want you back I’m reconsidering marriage. I’ll marry you. And, you know, but by that point, Chris, honestly grown and changed so much. That really wasn’t what I wanted anymore. And that was something that I learned in your programs that I didn’t think would happen to me. So success story, not a success story. Depends on how you view it. I view it as a huge success. Chris Seiter 4:37Oh, yeah, it’s a huge success for sure. Yeah. I mean, so what’s interesting to me, just like listening to the, to the broad macro strokes of everything is you mentioned like originally the, the precipice of the original breakup was you wanting a deeper commitment, like a marriage type situation, and he seemed to resist that. Had he been married before and had like a poor experience. Was that his resist? Yes, yes. Um, no, I don’t know if this is like overstepping anything. But how long had it been since? Because I’m assuming, you know, they divorced and what have you how long it how, how long had it been since he had been removed from that? Jamie Cantrell 5:19Oh, gosh. 20 years? Yeah. So long enough to get over that break. Chris Seiter 5:25I see. So it’s almost like a wound, you know, like, it’s just like, he carries the the bad memories of that relationship with him. But what’s fascinating is you had him do a complete heel turn, where by the end he wants it’s, I mean, it’s the ultimate irony. By the end he he’s asking you to basically marry him. And you’re just like, yeah, no, no, which is kind of what our program is trying to, to get people to believe. But for me, the most important thing is how, how did you get to that mentality? Jamie Cantrell 5:59Okay, um, so, oh, gosh, so many things. I just read, read, read your program, I listened to every YouTube video before school after school on the way to work on the way home, oh, my god. on my lunch break, I just, I poured into your programs so much. Because like I said, I’ve always I think inside of every woman, and man, there’s a high quality woman or a high quality man in there. They just don’t always show up as that person on that in that particular season. And so my focus was I really wanted to get me back. And I remember you saying, the only way they come back, is if when you truly move on and you can’t fake moving on. You truly. Chris Seiter 6:44It’s like listening to a carbon copy version of I can’t tell you how often I’ve been up there in that YouTube room, saying that exact thing and thinking I wonder if people are actually listening to this? And finally someone has Yes, Jamie Cantrell 6:58yes. So that really clicked with me that Chris Seiter 7:06I could start here, you know, No, you’re good. It’s it is what it is. Jamie Cantrell 7:11But my set my phone is kind of being weird right here. So yeah, I mean, I can’t Chris Seiter 7:16see you. But I can hear you and hearing us more important than seeing you right now. Jamie Cantrell 7:23I’m gonna see if I can, I can find you back here again. I don’t know what happened. Somebody called me and my phone is just, Chris Seiter 7:30oh, that’s all good. You’re just the popular you’re not gettable girl. You know, you got lots of attention. Jamie Cantrell 7:36Yes. Okay. So there you are. So anyway, what happened is, I knew that I had to 100% Move on. I had to get over him somehow. And in the back of my mind, I was thinking this is a way to get him back. But then I knew I couldn’t have that in the back of my mind, Chris Seiter 7:56or Yeah, it’s a paradox. Jamie Cantrell 7:58Yep. Yeah. So that was that was tough. You know, of course, learning all about the ungettable girl. And I just really dove into that I actually started telling other women about it. And I teach high school girls, so I would talk to them about things that I learned from your, your podcast, you said, Hey, I joined. That’s really great. Let me share with you some relationship stuff, and then helped me because now I was teaching them but I was also teaching myself again. I’m the one this should be Chris Seiter 8:28right. They should. They should be teaching my book in call in high school. Right? They should. Jamie Cantrell 8:33Yeah, I do I teach it. Oh, um, the one thing that worked for me, and a lot of people may criticize this because I know I put on a Facebook post. And you know, some people said, I don’t think that’s, that’s right, what you’re doing. But I dated, I jumped right back into the dating scene immediately, for a couple of reasons. Number one, I thought I have 53 time to waste. And I am a goal oriented person. And if I want a loving, committed relationship, I’m going to go after it. But I’m very, very picky. So it has to be the right guy. So I knew I was gonna have a long search. The other thing was, I did not want to really jump back into dating I would cry on the way to a date I quicker on the way home for this from the date. I you know, my heart was just still broken, but I didn’t like a job I forced myself to go out and meet people. And what I found was it did several things. Number one, it allowed me to practice being ungettable to practice being flirty yet confident to to practice getting back to that place that I knew I should be. The second thing it did was I met some really great guys and at first I thought I’m never going to fall in love again like he’s it he’s he’s my life. And it took a lot of dates, but about the 10th. One, I met a guy that I’m like, Hey, I think I kind of like him. And so that helps a lot. Let me move on. So I started realizing, even if it doesn’t work out with this guy, I found him. I can find more. Yeah, so the thing that worked the best and and this is where it may be a little controversial, but I think you should put it in your program because it works brilliantly. All of the guys that I met online, wanted my phone number. And I told them that I didn’t feel comfortable giving my number out just yet. But I would love to be on Facebook or Instagram friends with him and we could stalk each other a little bit. They were all for that. And that worked perfectly, because then I would getting catfished Chris Seiter 10:45looks like quite literally ungettable. Jamie Cantrell 10:48Yes. And what happened was, they all started liking all my Facebook posts, and all my Facebook posts and Instagram posts are public. So I knew my ex would be watching. And it you talk about the law of scarcity worked brilliantly. So now I’ve got 3040 high quality men because I didn’t give my I didn’t entertainment that I didn’t feel work work high quality. They were liking all my posts, they were saying comments like you’re absolutely gorgeous. You’re so beautiful. I love your style. And it’s these men from all over, but many of them were somewhat close within it within 100 mile radius. So my ex is seeing all this. Now I didn’t know he was seeing it. I had no clue he was even watching. But later I found out that he most certainly was. And the guys that I was talking to on these sites and being friends with on Facebook, now they see all these other guys liking my stuff, so they think I’m ungettable so now scarcity just kind of compounded. And yeah, guys I didn’t even know before it came out of the woodwork. Other exes came back from years ago. It was It was the craziest thing because I really worked my Facebook and Instagram like you talked about I went skydiving, I went, Chris Seiter 12:11I can’t believe you went crazy. I would never do. I know I say like do these crazy things. But I’m the classic case of like, Yeah, I do skydiving, but I would, I would never do skydiving. Jamie Cantrell 12:25I forced myself to just do all these really crazy cool things that I never thought I could do. And I posted about all of it on social media. I did shout out to clothing stores as me wearing a new dress. And so it didn’t it didn’t look like you did post a really Chris Seiter 12:43interesting. Oh, you will you did post it like the picture that caught me. Most was you posted this picture, like when you were talking about your success story. And it’s a view like in front of this red Mustang? Or is it a Mustang or just really, really nice red card? I was just like, wow, that’s a pretty that’s a pretty awesome post. Jamie Cantrell 13:05Yeah, and that was it. That was another guy that I met. Just online, just actually on Facebook, he just saw the cool things that I was and I was I would just like other guys things on Facebook, I just put myself out there I put myself open to dating, even though I wasn’t ready. I think if you wait until you’re ready with anything with you know, doing your business, if you waited until you had all your ducks in a row, you probably would never have done it because know this, things aren’t always going to be prime time to do something. So I just jumped into dating. And I wasn’t ready. And but I just said okay, I’m gonna practice being ungettable in this moment and with this guy and just see where things go. And that is what helped me to really move on. Chris Seiter 13:55Yeah, well, you know, what’s also interesting, but what you said you said, like what might be controversial that I was going on these dating websites, I’ve actually found. I’ve learned a lot this past year just by interviewing success stories. Like to me, I’m very interested in what actually works. You know, I’ve done all the research on the psychology. So I could sit here and like say like we can talk about attachment styles, we can actually talk about how rebound relationships, scientists or psychologists actually think rebound relationships is one of the best ways to quote unquote, get over an ex which is kind of what you experienced a little bit but what I found is a consistent pattern among people who are getting their exes back as they do go on other dates when they’re not ready. So I think there is something to that. But it seems to me like you men Jamie Cantrell 14:41are very I think men are competitive creatures. And they they can’t stand it when they think you’re seeing somebody else. But if they think you’re seeing a better man, a higher quality man, a man with a Ferrari you and they really it really drives them crazy. And so that’s what worked really well for me. And I would encourage it because you not only increase that law of scarcity, you get to practice being a high quality woman, but you get to meet some really fascinating people. And some of them were now great friends. Some of them were going through a really hard breakup. And they said, and we both kind of said, Hey, I’m not ready to jump into anything serious just yet. I’m going through this breakup. And they would say, Hey, me, too. So I became battle buddies. With a guy that I was talking to on a dating and best friend. Chris Seiter 15:42What’s great, yeah, sometimes you force those connections through hardship. Yeah. You just seem like really, really get the mentality, like you put a lot of work into getting to that place emotionally, where you just were willing to be like, okay, whatever. If I don’t get him back, I don’t get them back. Do you think just forcing yourself to go on dates? When you didn’t? Like you mentioned, you’re crying in the car, which, which is, which is horrible. You’re crying going back from the day, which again, is horrible. Do you think, like, I guess at what point did that kind of stop and it became more about the empowerment side of things, as opposed to like, you’re just hung up on your ex? Jamie Cantrell 16:24Oh, gosh, I’m a quick bounce back or girl so quickly. However, I would say let’s see, we broke up right around Valentine’s Day, February. So March, April, May, June, I would say it was about four…

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Success Story: How She Got Two Exes To Come Back Dec 13, 2021

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I had the pleasure of interviewing one of the most interesting success stories in recent memory, Jane, who didn’t just get one ex back but two. In her interview we talk about, How she got two exes back. How learning to deal with an avoidant is an important part of this process When they pull back, you pull back And much more. Let’s dive in. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Exactly How Jane Got Two Of Her Exes To Come Back Chris Seiter 0:02Got it. Alright, so today we’re going to be talking to another one of our success stories. Her name is Jane. And she has some of the most valuable information that you can have. She has talked to her ex boyfriend, who she is now currently with, and asked him exactly what he was thinking during the process of when she was going through our program. But I’d like to just say, I really appreciate you doing this, Jane, because your information is going to help people going through breakups. Jane 0:31Thank you, Chris, I appreciate the opportunity to be on here. I think it’s crazy. Cuz when I first found your program a year ago, I originally came for a different ex that I had been a very long term, almost seven year relationship with. And to kind of see where I am. Exactly, you’re later. I just can’t even it’s kind of mind blowing to be on this. It’s kind of it’s very, it’s very, it’s very cool. Chris Seiter 0:56Yeah, you mentioned that when we started talking, you’re just like, I can’t believe I am where I am. And the irony of the situation is literally looks like you came into our orbit around December of 2020. And is now December of 2021. And look at the year of growth you’ve had, which is which you deserve to be commended for because I can’t say how often most people will come to the program, and they won’t really see much growth at all, because they don’t put in the time and effort. But I looked through a lot of your posts in the Facebook group, you were really trying hard. You were showing updates. You were really active. So to me, it tells me you were taking it seriously. And you saw some great results for it. Jane 1:34Yes, I 1,000% agree with you. i It was so my original relationship I was in it was almost a seven year relationship. And we had a businesses together you know, we share a child together. And so I didn’t realize that over that period of time, I had become so codependent and kind of lost who I was my identity in that relationship. And so when that relationship ended, it literally felt like the end of the world for me. And I had a very hard time coping, I had a very hard time processing, I remember that was the first time therapy became an actual real thing. And not just a word, you know, and friends of family members were starting to talk about, you know, you need to really, really just get help. This is not healthy. It’s not okay. And in that like emotional like that heightened emotional, like kind of madness, I was like googling everything found your program was like, okay, I can do this, because I didn’t want to lose my life. I thought my life was ending. But it’s so interesting, because like you said a year later, I honestly feel like my life is just beginning in such a whole new bright way. And the program helped me achieve exactly what they came to do. It just it wasn’t what the original person I intend it for. Ultimately, I got back myself, which is what I’m really proud of. And it helped me attract a partner and get, you know, be with a partner that basically, I’m very happy with now and just very happy about what our future looks like together. Chris Seiter 3:00Yeah, perspective is amazing. You know, once you get that perspective, looking back, you’re like, Well, what’s interesting about your situation is you you came for the original x and you got with someone else, but in the process of getting with someone else going through the breakup with that person getting that person back. It seems to me like the original acts you came for also started trying to rekindle things as well. Jane 3:25Yes. And it was it’s crazy, because there was we we so we had been kind of separated all 2020 kind of something I Chris Seiter 3:34was sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt. You had been together with this person for seven years, which is a long time you’re sharing a child together? Was there any kind of on again, off again, component? So that was the first breakup ever? And I’m assuming he initiated it? No, I Jane 3:50did. I do initiate it, and March of 2020. But I don’t think either of us took it seriously. Like neither of us did. Because we Chris Seiter 4:00was also okay. So I want to talk about the original of the the new sort of situation. But this is fascinating. Okay, so you broke up with him? Yeah. I don’t want to hear all this. Yeah, let’s go for it. Let’s just dive into it. Jane 4:18So I sold me my original ex were together for almost seven years, like I said, very codependent for both of our perspectives, because we didn’t have traditional jobs. We had a business we share. And we traveled a lot for work, things like that. Chris Seiter 4:31Was there any talk of marriage was that just kind of at a standstill, Jane 4:35there was talk of marriage and I’m glad you brought that up because I see so many posts in the group about different situations and scenarios and I’ll be transparent and say that, you know, my my first my first ERP, that’s what we call them, right? ERPs my first ERP was 10 years older than I was and have been married previously. And Chris Seiter 4:56did I have other children with other women as well? So that’s true. What bonded you together for so long? Um, Jane 5:03yes, correct. So, um, he was 10 years older than me, he is nine years older than me, married twice before. So when we met, you know, I was, you know, it was just kind of like, a relationship. And obviously, we had a daughter and things like that. But um, when we were together, you know, we, you know, we’re, our personalities, our visions for what to do in life, we started a business together. So we became very codependent. And over that seven year period, we couldn’t balance out the difference between like our business selves and our personal selves. And a lot of the issues we both carried as individuals, insecurities, frustrations, ego issues, a lot of that bled into each other’s lives. And we just didn’t know how to be like the couple anymore. All we knew was how to be business partners. And it was really hard for us. And so we got to a breaking point, because we had been increasingly fighting from like, year three or seven, right? We have been increasingly fighting and very, very, very unhealthy dynamics. And it got to the point where, you know, I was just really tired, I was really frustrated, I was just so upset. And we, I just I initiated a breakup in March of 2020. And it was right before the pandemic, like I want to say, right before, I mean, three weeks before, okay, and it was a situation where, you know, because our business wasn’t doing so well, I had to go back to work. So I ended up taking a job. And my job took me five hours from my, my, my previous partner, my daughter. And so that was really interesting, because we basically spent the whole year apart, but did because, you know, the pandemic, forced to shut down on everything. So even though we were on paper, like not together, nothing about our lives change. We talked every day, we saw each other every weekend, we still were cohabitating we were still you know, sharing finances still running the business there. It was, Chris Seiter 6:57it was her. Alright, so you’re mentioning nothing changes. But is that in all respects? Like, are you still being intimate with each other? At this point? Jane 7:06No, because by this point in our relationship, we had been fighting so much we weren’t intimate Chris Seiter 7:10anymore. Okay. So that that have been like going on for a very long time. Got it. Okay, was it so I did read a little bit about your original situation. And you mentioned there was another woman that came into the picture. Oh, God Jane 7:25develop? Oh, probably about November. Chris Seiter 7:29Do you’re still fake broken up? Or like, Yeah, whatever it is. So Jane 7:35about November of that same year. It’s our, our daughter’s birthday month as well. You know, I could tell he was acting a little bit different and funny, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And that’s actually when I was done with my job. So I was coming home now for good. Okay. And on a sprung it on me, when we went to go celebrate our daughter’s birthday, Chris Seiter 7:56great timing, just great timing. Jane 8:01Because I decided to take my daughter to go visit some family, like my, you know, mom’s sisters, things like that. And he kind of sprung it on me when he came to visit because he went on a business trip came back and visit us. And it was really hard. And you know, there was another person in the picture. And it was so hard because, you know, I didn’t realize she was in the picture, like I knew, but he didn’t admit that to somebody else. It was just Hey, shouldn’t do this. We’ve been broken up for months. And I was like, you can’t pick and choose when you want to be broken up. When we share everything still, we shared the money, we shared responsibilities, we shared the stress, you know, we were still calling and texting each other things like honey and Babe and nicknames. And there are one or two times that, you know, he tried being intimate that I was just like, No, I cannot, you know, do this, you know, from March to November. So when you know, it was like, Okay, no, we’re good. We’re done. And we’re like, Okay, now we have to act as if we’re really not gonna be together. You had asked to bring our child out for a Thanksgiving holiday or something to his hometown, which was, you know, halfway across the state, which I was like, Yeah, take her for a week, I need to just I need space. Right? It was during that time, I found out there was another person involved and he was bringing our child around that person. Chris Seiter 9:18That’s always a difficult thread. Jane 9:21You know, I went I drove halfway across the state in the middle of the night, picked up my child came back that started off this whole barrage of just very, very unhealthy yelling, screaming, kicking, fighting just between us just terrible. And you know, that’s it kind of cemented their relationship even more because I was acting like the crazy ex that was just go all this stuff already. You know? Like, yes, the stereotype that was me. So it was during that time and it was that right after Thanksgiving, about a week or so after all this stuff had happened. I found your program. And I was like, oh, it’s only like You know, 30 bucks, whatever. I’ve been in the sales and marketing world for years now. It’s like, okay, there’s something else coming after this, this funnel, right, but let me value for, like, let me just go ahead and get it. So I was like, you know, let me do it. And I was so intrigued by the booklet in the program and what really drew me in for that, like, initial whatever I paid was the Facebook group. And I was like, see, that’s interesting there other people, I can’t keep overwhelming my sisters, I can’t keep rolling my family, they’re already not supporting me as it is already not listening to me, I feel worse about my own self and situation apart from my previous partner, because of what everyone’s saying to me. I can’t do this, like, I need an outlet. So to me, that was like the biggest draw. And so, um, you know, I dove into the program, was really reading everything over and over and over again, was watching all the YouTube videos over and over and over again, was participating in the group. You know, posting how I felt being 100% transparent, right? Because I wanted to make sure that I got the best feedback about the best advice and just seeing what other people were going through made me feel so much better. Like, like, if I’m honest, it didn’t make me feel so much of a loser. Because I felt like I felt I felt like gosh, like, like, my life is ending. But when I saw what other people were going through other men, other women, things like that, it was like man, I could really live there’s conflict. There’s a community here like I can, I can, like feel supported, Chris Seiter 11:24because you can have a safe space because society has certain ways they treat people who are like plenty of breakups and stuff. Jane 11:31Yeah, and it gave it gave me a really safe place to really vent go to focus redirect, especially because you know, during the no contact or the limit, no contact with my first partner, I failed like twice in the first month and I had to start for a third time seriously, but there were so many dynamics in it that I’m not going to focus on today but just so many crazy things he was doing that just was like making it hard to not break it but I had to really say Listen, what do I want for myself I really have to take this program seriously regardless of I want him back or not. And even though I really miss my partner at that time missile life we had I knew we could keep moving forward with everything the way it was. And it didn’t help that the other woman in the situation was just being the other woman you know, she was contacting me she was very publicly doing a lot of things on social media. I had blocked her from the beginning before because for me I didn’t want to look at things I didn’t want to go on unhealthy spiral of Facebook stalking or Instagram stalking or whatever because people do that. And I said I don’t want to compare myself to her in that way and feel bad about myself so I blocked her from beginning but she would reach out to me through different phone numbers like texts call easy Chris Seiter 12:43for someone to get another phone number just to harass another person is a lot more about them than oh Jane 12:52that’s not even love the height of it like she would do a bunch of stuff and you know, my first ex was going through some health concerns because of the stress he was feeling going between the both of us and in my eyes I was like they’re going through this perfect life you know all this stuff this this this he’s she’s already met family like he’s replacing me like I felt like I was being replaced in every way I felt like he was trying to replace me as even my own daughter’s mother. I was not a good place. Yeah, but the saving grace was the program because of the things I learned and the advice I got from more experienced members who had gone through the therapy work had done a lot of the assessments I’ve done on the self reflection it helped me see the cracks in places where maybe he didn’t want me to see that show they really weren’t in a healthy relationship themselves. And so kind of fast forward from like you know, Christmas holiday to the springtime of a me about two months later january february don’t Chris Seiter 13:46you had done some coaching with Anna in between here. Jane 13:50I did coaching with Anna I did a session with her in December because that like I said I was so anxious I remember Anna specifically told me she said you know our first coaching session. Jane, you were very manic you were very manic to the point where it was like so anxious so manic like an age like it was very turning so definitely Chris Seiter 14:13have that anxious attachment style. Yeah sort of tendencies and would you say your first acts had maybe avoidant tendencies Jane 14:22by far he was more of a dismissive Chris Seiter 14:24it’s essentially it’s essentially that the traditional breakup you’re expecting you know you got the anxious in the avoidant they grade on each other’s nerves. There’s a breakup then they avoided moves on to someone else thinking like, oh, well, why, why can’t I find someone but that new person is just as anxious as you are. And you know, there we go. Jane 14:42Yea…

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Success Story: How To Get Your Ex Back When You Do Everything Wrong Oct 25, 2021

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Today we’re looking at how to get an ex back when you’ve done everything wrong. I thought the best way to tackle this subject was to actually feature one of our newest success stories from the ex recovery program, Sophie. She ended up getting her ex back and has progressed to the point that they are even planning on moving in together. What makes her situation fascinating is that she ended up doing a lot of things “technically wrong” but managed to overcome those things and successfully get him back which is a rarity in todays day and age. Things like, Breaking no contact Manufacturing meet ups Arguing on the phone You get the idea But despite these missteps she ended up winning him back. How? Well, watch and find out. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How She Got Her Ex Back After Making Cardinal Mistakes Chris Seiter:All right. Today we are going to be talking to one of our success stories. Her name is Sophie. And she has a really interesting situation that she’s going to take us through. And I say that knowing nothing about her situation, of course. Yeah, I was telling her before we started recording that usually an hour before we start recording, I familiarize myself with the success story, but I had an appointment before this and I didn’t so much do that. So I am going to be just like a listener here. And you are going to take us through your situation. But how are you doing, Sophie? Sophie:I’m good. My ex and I are officially back together now as of probably a month ago, I think. And actually, we are currently making plans to get an apartment together, so that’s the whirlwind of my life at the moment. Chris Seiter:That’s big. Okay. All right. Sophie:Yeah, I would say that it was almost too successful in some ways. Chris Seiter:That’s a good problem to have, though. Sophie:Yeah. Chris Seiter:So why don’t you take us back to the dark ages when the breakup actually occurred. Sophie:Oh, the before times. Yes. Chris Seiter:Yeah. Is that a South Park reference? Sophie:A little maybe. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:So this was our second breakup if you want to count official breakups. Chris Seiter:Okay. Well, let’s go back to the first one. That’s interesting to me. Sophie:Yes. Chris Seiter:Let’s go back to the really before times. Sophie:The really before times. So we started dating in January 2020. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship, myself. And I don’t know, that had been two years and I was pretty confident that I wanted to move on. So we started dating about three months, and we started running into some issues. So I think the issues I identified initially were we had some religious differences and just some other, we weren’t on the same page about a bunch of things. He is an avoidant attachment style. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:I think dismissive avoidant. I know he goes to therapy now, so he’s talked about it a little bit. And then I lean more towards the anxious [crosstalk 00:02:19]. Chris Seiter:Okay. So you are just like the prototypical couple here. Sophie:Pretty much. It’s definitely explosive chemistry at the beginning, but as soon as things start getting into the- Chris Seiter:Hard, basically. Sophie:Hitting on some of your core stuff, we hit the rocks as expected, I guess. So we did end up breaking up in May 2020. Chris Seiter:So COVID is happening here. Sophie:Yes, COVID is happening. Chris Seiter:Did that have any impact on the situation at all? Sophie:I think it did. He’s very extroverted. I’m not. I think we spent a lot of time just together not doing anything separately. And we were getting a little bit sick of the routine as well. So things didn’t seem to be going the way that we had hoped they would go when we first started dating. You get this great vision of the future where you’re going to hang out with your significant other and all your friends. And COVID really did complicate that, I think, because there just wasn’t anything that we could do about it. And both of our mental health took a little bit of a dive as well. Sophie:So we broke up. And I, of course, like every other poor girl out there, start Googling. I’m like, “What am I going to do about this? I have to get him back somehow.” Chris Seiter:Got to fix. Sophie:And I found a program, I don’t remember what it was called, to be honest with you. Chris Seiter:Shame on you. This is the… No, I’m just kidding. Sophie:It was not your program. But I started getting advice over email like, “You should send a closure letter and you should do all these things.” And I was like- Chris Seiter:Okay. That seems like a great idea. Sophie:I didn’t like the format of the advice I was getting. I liked some of the introspective stuff where I was writing about the process and the breakup. But other than the journaling, I felt like I was getting advice that wasn’t hitting the mark for me. So I found your website shortly after that, so it was maybe a week after, two weeks after. I bought the program, and I embarked on my first journey with ERP. So that actually ended up working, because we actually had agreed to a no contact period. There was 21 days, and he kept breaking it, because he just kept wanting to talk to me. We didn’t part on bad terms. Chris Seiter:What about you? Did you stick to it? Sophie:I did eventually complete a successful no contact. The group was really good with making sure that we kept it business only, because I did work with him at the time. So we kept it to work projects only. And he was very curious as to what I was doing at that time, so following all of my social media still, everything was pretty good. And we actually got back together hastefully, and some of the advice that you gave me, actually, after I talked to you once, was make sure that you don’t fall back into the same patterns. And I think I was just so happy. Chris Seiter:Did I do that on a Facebook live? Sophie:No, I don’t think. Well, maybe it was. I think it was a Facebook live at one point, but you basically said, “Don’t rush it. Just be steady with the progress that you’ve made.” All together, it took us a month or a month and a half to get back together, so it was basically like just after no contact. He was like, “Can I call you?” And we thought we’d try again. I’d count that as my practice run with therapy. I had no idea how much more difficult and much more painful trying a second time would be. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:So this was where it gets interesting. So we got back together. Things were okay, but we were still running into fundamental, in my mind now that I look at it, I think they were related to attachment style. They were related to communication style issues that some of the overlying stuff, like personal differences or opinions were hiding the deeper problems in a sense. So even when we worked on that and we settled our religious differences, we settled a whole bunch of other differences, we thought things were going to be different, but they weren’t, because ultimately, our underlying disagreements, the reasons we were disagreeing and how we were disagreeing were the actual problem in my mind. Chris Seiter:Can give us an actual example of what that looks like? Not a super serious one, but maybe a surface level one so people can understand what you mean when you’re talking about the underlying disagreements here? Sophie:Sure. So I think for him, personal freedom is a big thing. He doesn’t want to have to think the same way as me. He does not want to have to do things- Chris Seiter:So he likes being independent. Sophie:Very independent. Chris Seiter:Very avoidant. Sophie:He’s one of the most independent people I have ever met in my life. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:He has a very sweet side to him where if he chooses to be engaged and be involved in something, he’s definitely there 100%. But he has to be able to make those decision emotionally for himself and not feel like he’s being pressured. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:So it just, for me, I was pressuring him about some of our differences, and then when I talked about it in therapy, I was like, “Okay, this isn’t a big deal for me.” But there were still things that I kept pushing about. And it- Chris Seiter:What were some examples of those things? Sophie:So he actually was friends with his ex girlfriend before me still. Chris Seiter:Okay. That would bug me. I get it. Sophie:It bothered me. It did. Chris Seiter:It’s like the Beaner Method inverted. Sophie:And I saw right through it, too. I was like, “I don’t think that she’s here for wholly reasonable reasons.” And when we had broken up, he had gone to her for some comfort. And I guess they had made out or whatever. And he told me about it. Chris Seiter:Okay. So there’s some physical connection there as well, unfortunately, after the breakup. Sophie:Yeah. And that was hard for me, because they only dated for two months, maybe. But all of his relationships have been two, three months. He has not been able to sustain a long term relationship at any point before me. So when we broke up, the fact that he was talking to his ex again was, to me, a big deal. I was like, “That doesn’t [crosstalk 00:09:04].” Chris Seiter:I knew it. I knew it. Sophie:So we moved on, disagreeing on that still. And we kept seeing some of… He has a really, in my opinion, not a great friend group. And she’s well ingrained in that, so we saw her a lot. And it kept getting under my skin. And then there was some other things with some other girls where he had been friend with some girls that he’d been seeing before. And I don’t think there was ever anything there, but I think that true to a lot of avoidance, he likes to reminisce, he likes to hold on to things, likes to hold on to old relationships, likes to hold on to old keepsakes from relationships, too, which was weird to me, because I was like, “No, I think I should be the only important person in your life.” And it all exploded eventually. And what I didn’t realize was at the time, I had actually told him at one point before we broke up, this was maybe a month or two before we broke up, “I want you to stop talking to your ex girlfriend.” That’s it. Chris Seiter:So gave him the ultimatum, essentially, do this or else. Sophie:I did. Yep. And I said, “You need to unfollow her.” Chris Seiter:Did you clarify what else would happen if he didn’t do it? Sophie:Well, I did threaten a little bit. I was like, “You know what? You need to unfollow her on social media since she seems to interact with you a lot on there. I’m not comfortable with this relationship as it stands, and I’ll take my things and go if we don’t sort this out. Chris Seiter:Okay. True ultimatum then. Sophie:It really was. Chris Seiter:I can’t tell you how often I’ll interview people, and hear this thing, and they’ll say, “Yeah, I gave him an ultimatum.” And I’ll be like, “Okay. Well, how?” And they say, “Well, you do this,” but they don’t really clarify what else will happen if they don’t follow it, but you did. Sophie:I did. I was really, at that point, quite ready to just… Because she had been tagging him in things and other things, and every time I would ask him, he was like, “Oh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s just interacting with me. And we don’t talk about things or anything.” And I was like, “Okay, I don’t believe you.” Eventually, it came to a head. He unfollowed her on social media after I asked him three separate times. And that was that. We broke up in April 2021, and this was after several mock breakups almost, where we were really getting to the end of our rope with what we could handle. He felt like I was pushing him for a further commitment, and I was, because the more insecure I got, the more I felt like I needed to push things like moving in together, and fidelity, and all these other things as I saw them. Sophie:I think I did make a big deal about things that weren’t necessarily a big deal. But I was definitely putting a lot of pressure on him there. Chris Seiter:Okay. So let up the street. You go through the breakup initially in 2020, all during COVID. And then he moves on to this other girl that is his ex. And this period of time between when that happens and what we’re talking about here in 2021, are you just talking at this point or had you gotten back together again? I’m just trying to clarify the timeline. Sophie:Like right now? Chris Seiter:No. Okay, so you mentioned in 2020, you started the relationship. Sophie:Yep. Chris Seiter:And then you ended the relationship a few months after this all happens, and the issues in that were that he was constantly tagging his ex, right? Sophie:Yeah. Chris Seiter:And there’s some issues with disagreements and things like that. Timeline wise, how long were you broken up before you tried to do anything? Are you still talking about the actual relationship and the problems with it? I’m just trying to clarify the timeline. Sophie:Yeah. So we got back together in July, I think, of 2020. So it was like May to July. Chris Seiter:May to July. You got back together very quickly. Sophie:We did. Chris Seiter:And then went through another very abrupt breakup. Sophie:Yes. And I expected it, but we lasted another eight months or so, just in this year [crosstalk 00:13:46]. Chris Seiter:So there’s been two breakups that have happened here. The first one happened in 2020. Sophie:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Who initiated that? Was that you? Sophie:He broke up with me. Chris Seiter:Okay. And the second one- Sophie:Basically, saying, “Oh, I feel like I can’t love you the way that you need to be loved. And we’ve got some differences,” and he saw it as a bit of a merciful thing. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:And same with this time around, he broke up with me and gave me some of the similar reasons, although perhaps a little bit more angry. Chris Seiter:But this time, was it… So all right. So the two breakups, this period in between the two breakups, that’s when he had the make out session with the ex girlfriend, correct? Sophie:Yes. Chris Seiter:What happens after the second breakup? Does he go running back to her again? Sophie:So, I actually noticed he followed her on Instagram the day after we broke up. He deleted all our pictures, and then he re-followed her on Instagram. And I was so mad, like pissed at him. Chris Seiter:Was that a revenge thing, do you think like, “I’m going to show her?” Sophie:No, because they had been talking this whole time, apparently, and I didn’t know that. He had told me they weren’t talking. So him following her back on Instagram was just like I can officially now [crosstalk 00:15:08]. Chris Seiter:[crosstalk 00:15:09]. Right. Sophie:So I didn’t know if there was anything there or not. But nevertheless, he really just doesn’t like to have anyone tell him what to do. So I think for him, he was like, “I’m just going to follow her back on Instagram.” So actually did the same thing. Chris Seiter:You followed her on Instagram? Sophie:I did. Chris Seiter:That’s interesting. Sophie:I like drama a little bit. So I knew based on how he had described all of his previous breakups, so he described his breakup with her very negatively. He said he basically snapped at her for demanding too much of his time and demanding too much emotional investment. And he broke up with her over the phone and blocked her everywhere, and then basically told all of his mutual friends that she was crazy. Chris Seiter:Okay. Sophie:So I probably should have taken that as a bit of a red flag, myself, but I did this time around. I was like, “This is probably what’s going to happen to me.” So I thought to myself, “Okay, I need to talk to Anna,” so I did start coaching with Anna a little bit. Chris Seiter:Beautiful. Okay. Sophie:But I made the decision sort of defensively to try an ingratiate myself to the sphere of influence a little bit, including some people that I had been not on great terms with before. Chris Seiter:Yeah, you mentioned at the time, the friend c…

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Success Story: How One Woman Won A Fearful Avoidant Back Oct 18, 2021

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Today we’re going to take an in-depth look at one of our success stories. Heather, a long time member of our private facebook support group ended up cracking the code on how to get her ex back. Of course, she had one of the most difficult situations you can imagine with her ex exhibiting fearful avoidant tendencies. So, without further ado I’d like to introduce you to Heather and how she got her ex back. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz How She Got Her Fearful Avoidant Ex Back Heather:All right. Chris Seiter:All right. Today, we have another really interesting success story. We have Heather here who … Her and I were going back and forth on how to define her success story. Ultimately, settled on this really interesting medium between if you have a military breakup that occurs where your boyfriend or girlfriend is going overseas, and they breakup with you right before, or if they’re going to study abroad, and they breakup with you right before. Chris Seiter:There’s any forced departure. This is the success story to listen to. I’d love to introduce you to Heather, who is going to take us through her entire situation. How are you doing, Heather? Heather:I’m doing great. Nice to be here. Chris Seiter:All right. Let’s go hop at the time machine, start back from the beginning. How does this breakup occur? What goes on here? Heather:Yeah. Breakup happened almost two years ago. It was back in March 2020, which is a very familiar date for a lot of people. Chris Seiter:It’s uncanny how many breakups came into our phase around March of 2020. Heather:In March 2020. This happened before, before the big event, before COVID. My boyfriend was getting set up to deploy overseas. I will admit that things had become a little bit strained before not in an argumentative way, or anything like that. But definitely, I started to have insecurities in the relationship, and I think I was projecting that a little bit. But it was still a very good relationship. He was very loving and clearly still in love with me. Heather:I had gone down to his place, his parents’ place. He invited me down to his parents’ place that weekend. Then on the way home, I got back home and that’s when he let me know that he just didn’t see it working. This was after being together for two years. I was completely floored. He was also leaving for overseas in less than a week. It’s a week before his deployment. While it had been not as good as relationship had been before, it was still a very big 360. I was really, really surprised. Chris Seiter:You basically … This is happening in the car right coming back from the visiting the parents? Heather:Yeah. Chris Seiter:It’s like there’s no way to escape to? He’s got you. Who’s driving the car? Heather:Me. Chris Seiter:I mean, there’s a time when you breakup with someone, maybe not when they’re driving a car, though. Heather:I think that’s when he got the courage, I think, because it was a long drive. I think he got the courage to do it. I clearly had been on his mind. That’s might be why there have been a bit of distance that I’ve been sensing. Chris Seiter:Okay. Yeah. Heather:Yeah. Chris Seiter:You notice … You visit his parents. You’re both there to visit the parents. Do you notice anything during that trip that makes you feel something’s off? Heather:I noticed that before. But actually during the trip, he was more touchy feely than he had been in a long time, wanting to hold me a lot. But I now know that that was probably him last chance to hold her kind of thing. Chris Seiter:Yeah. That’s really interesting how that work. What was his reasoning, this breakup talk happens while you’re driving a car, which is dangerous? If you cry, you’re not paying attention to the road. There’s all sorts of things that can go wrong. But what does he say? Heather:I did cry, by the way. I pulled over. I pulled over. Chris Seiter:Okay. Thank goodness. Heather:He just had that classic thing that he just didn’t see this being a forever thing at this point anymore. He just didn’t see a future. He didn’t know how there could be a future. He hadn’t for a little bit. No matter what I said … Obviously, it was an emotional state. But I was very devastated. But that was his reasoning. But neither of us could really talk about it anymore at that point, because I was crying. That’s what we talked about more the next day, is when the big conversation happened. Chris Seiter:What was the living situation? Did you guys live together … Heather:No. Chris Seiter:… at that point? You live separately. You just went on this trip together to his parents’ house. On the way back from the trip, he breaks the news. This is a weird question to ask, but I’m just naturally curious. I’ve never heard of a breakup happen this way. You’re in the car. Does he do it like 25% into the drive home, or does he do it like right as you … Heather:Nearly at it. Chris Seiter:Okay. There’s not that awkwardness like, “We still have two hours to go together.” Okay. His reasoning basically is like, “I don’t see this being a forever thing,” which almost implies to me that he feels pressure for a next step. Heather:Yes. Chris Seiter:I don’t know. You mentioned in your Facebook post when you post the success story a few months ago that you were not the one to pressure him. It was actually maybe the other outside extra forces that were … Heather:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Do you feel like that had a huge impact on his decision? Heather:I would say so. Definitely his parents were really, really keen on me. Chris Seiter:What those grandbabies? Heather:It came up a lot. Chris Seiter:I know. I’ve been in that situation, too. Heather:But I mean, definitely, he knew that that’s what I wanted. I never pressured him. But he knew that … We talked about it. That’s the thing he’d brought up in the past when we live together, when we have kids, this is what our kids names will be. This is all competition we’d have had. But I definitely never pressured it. I didn’t pressure him to move in. He actually did talk about that the next day was that we were moving towards that direction. Heather:I personally think he got a little bit scared like, “Let’s put the brakes on.” Chris Seiter:Yeah. Heather:But yeah. I didn’t necessarily pressure him. I never gave an ultimatum. I was very happy in the situation we were at. But he definitely was feeling the pressure from his family. He did mention that. Chris Seiter:Yeah. I mean, the only really experience I’ve ever had to draw on is when I was going to move in with my wife before we were married. I was started looking at apartments, because to me, it’s this nice thing to say and fantasize about, but until you’re actually there and experiencing it, you’re like, “Oh, this is a real thing. This is going to happen.” It freaks you out a little bit. I’m wondering if maybe that occurred. Chris Seiter:But, obviously, there’s more to the story because you have this X factor of him leaving on this departure to go overseas. How did that factor in? Heather:What I knew at the time or what I know? Chris Seiter:Let’s go with hindsight. Now, what you know now? Heather:Yeah. Honestly, I think he thought he was going to be very sad missing me. He didn’t deal with emotions that very well. I think, judging on some conversations we’ve had even coming up to that point that it was easier and less painful for him to do a breakup than to spend six months missing me. Chris Seiter:Yeah. It’s fascinating how many people have that black and white mentality, which is the mature things to do. It’s like, “Okay. I’ve got her back home and it’ll suck, but she’ll be there.” Instead you’re saying he’s basically like “No, it’s easier for me to just breakup with her and not have to think about it anymore.” Heather:Yeah. Also, I mean, there was again still that distance that had happened. He had been for it away for several months. The more he pulled away, the more insecure I became, and the more subservient I became, which I think just fed into a little vicious cycle. Chris Seiter:Now, you mentioned that you became insecure and subservient. What are some examples of how that manifested in the relationship? Heather:Oh, everything. I would be like, “Oh, what do you want to do this weekend, or where do you want to eat?” It was never me giving suggestions. Chris Seiter:Got it. Heather:I was trying so hard to please him at that point, which was never a relationship before. But I was trying so hard to make his experience with me be positive. It was always trying to please him. Chris Seiter:It’s funny how that fear that you have losing him manifests itself in odd way it causes you to lose him. Okay. Let’s get to the actual stuff that you did that worked here. He goes overseas. You’re broken up. You’ve obviously been through all of the emotions, the grief and everything like that. What is your first step? Heather:Actually, can I fast track back for a second? Chris Seiter:Yes. Track that. Yes. Heather:The day after the breakup, we did talk as well. This time I spent the whole night saying, “No. I’m going to put a emotions aside and be super logical about this.” I actually had a very logical talk with him said, “What would you like a break, or would you like to see other people, or let’s talk about this rash? You think we maybe take a break while you deploy, when you come back, let’s reconsider.” Heather:The more I gave suggestions, the more he dug in. I did do the logical emotional list thing. Strangely enough he got emotional during that. But I did try to be logical. It didn’t work. Chris Seiter:Okay. Well, so that’s interesting. Because when you approach … What woman … No. Seriously, what woman offers up like, “What would you like to date other people after that?” I mean that would throw me for a loop and it’s like, “No.” But if you really think about it, you want to get mad about it, that’s what the true secure woman would do. She would have enough confidence to be like, “Yeah. Find that other woman. She’s not going to compare to me.” Heather:Well, yeah. That’s what I was thinking. I was like, “Go out there. See what you think you’re missing, then when you come back.” Chris Seiter:Well, okay. Now that you had the logical conversation, it didn’t work. He dug in. Heather:Dug in hard. Chris Seiter:Then he leaves. Heather:Yeah. Chris Seiter:What happens next? Heather:I was devastated for a good week. Good week after that. I told very few people that this has happened. Then a week later is when COVID hit hard. Not only was I not telling people, but then suddenly we were going to work. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends. For a long time, nobody knew that this breakup happened. They just assumed he’s deployed and at I’m at home, because that I was actually home … Chris Seiter:They’re sense you’re sad, you’re sad because he’s deployed? Heather:Yeah. Well, they couldn’t sense I was sad because I wasn’t. I had excuse not to go anywhere. I had an excuse not to see anybody. Chris Seiter:Okay. Heather:I was at home with COVID. But at the same time, I didn’t have anyone to talk to. That’s when I started to be a little bit more proactive, because then I’m stuck at home. All I can think about this, I have no escape. Instead of being sad, I said, “What can I do about this?” That’s when I started doing the online search about, “All right, is there any kind of breakup program?” That’s how I learned about No Contact. I did admit in the Facebook group. It wasn’t yours. It was not the first program I found. Chris Seiter:Shame on you. Heather:But I learned about No Contact. I started doing 21 days was this program. It was always 21 days. It’s all you do. I started doing the 21-day no contact, but I was very scared because he was deployed and I’ve been with him when he’s been deployed before. Military men really tend to compartmentalize. When they’re there, they’re there, when they’re home, they’re home. I wasn’t quite sure how much effect No Contact was going to have on someone over there. I do think it didn’t have much effect at the time. Chris Seiter:No. That’s fine … Heather:I really do believe. Chris Seiter:Yeah. Heather:I know that what happened when he came back. I assumed the 21 days no contact. Then during that time, I wasn’t quite getting the support I wanted from other coaches. It would have been too expensive to have a coach on call every day. Chris Seiter:Shame on you for telling to those other coaches. Heather:I know. That’s when I found your … I can’t remember. I think it’s your website I found. Chris Seiter:Probably. Heather:Yeah. It was the Facebook group. Instantly appealed to me, because I thought, “Oh, this is great. There’s these moderators there, they’ll be able to answer my silly questions, and there’s other people going through the same situation as me.” Again, I hadn’t pulled anyone. I was almost like … Actually, I noticed. I was scared if I told people it would be real. It was just, “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to get him back. I don’t want people to know, because I need to do this.” Heather:The Facebook group gave me a place to talk to people about it and about the issues I was having and also have a moderator there who could answer my silly questions. Then I would get a coach for the big faces and that’s my plan of action. That gave me … Chris Seiter:Then you coached with Anna, obviously. Heather:I did, yeah. Chris Seiter:Anna said, “What?” to you, specifically about fearful avoidance. Heather:I talked about everything that had happened. She, I think, I hadn’t even done introducing the situation. She’s a fearful avoidant which she has personal experience with. She warned me right off the bat that of all the kinds I could get, this guy is going to take.” Yeah. She said minimum a year to [crosstalk 00:13:40]. Chris Seiter:I’m telling you, it’s hard to hear. Anyone who’s listening to this that thinks they have a fearful avoidant, there will be a part of you that says, “That can’t be right.” Heather, it’s right. It takes longer. Heather:That’s right. Chris Seiter:It takes longer. Well, I think in your case is going to take a little bit extra longer, too, because you have the military aspect of him being overseas. You can’t really do too much. Heather:Yeah. But even so, even counting out six months out of there, it’s a basically … Chris Seiter:It takes a while. If you think about, I mean, the average success story is going to happen between three and seven months. Fearful avoidance take longer naturally. I mean, but that’s what normal situations. Arguably, the hardest situations that you could have, but I think it’s a testament to how smart and amazing you are that it worked out really well. Let’s figure out. What did you do that was smart and amazing? Obviously, something went right. Heather:Well, okay. Well, I took Anna’s advice to begin with. I did … Chris Seiter:First steps, you took people as she bought coaching … No. I’m just kidding. Heather:I did. It is true though. It gave me a plan of action, which is for me I needed a plan. I had a general plan. But I needed specific. I knew the No Contact was coming up. I was freaking out, to be honest. It’s funny, so many people have issues with No Contact. In the Facebook group is the hardest thing. I did not find that the thing. That was my regrouping time. The hardest thing for me was when the texting phase started. Heather:It terrified me before and I was right to be terrified for me. With Anna, she gave me really like, “All right. This is what you’re going to do. But because he was a fearful avoidant, it wasn’t quite the regular texting program. It had to be a bit longer. If there was no response or anything like that, I had to give it more time than a regular person would. Chris Seiter:When they pull back, you pull back? Yep. Heather:Yeah. That was hard. It was really hard. But I did it. He’s very polite [inaudible 00:15:39] super polite, super quick. I never once got a no response. But he never engaged…

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Chances Of Getting An Ex Back After No Contact Oct 12, 2021

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Today, we’re going to talk about the chances of getting an ex back after the no contact rule. Now, in the past, we’ve done articles and YouTube episodes and podcast episodes on your overall chances of getting an ex back. But one thing that we really haven’t hyper-focused on that we’re going to do today is what kind of impact that completing a no contact rule actually has on your overall chances of success. We’re going to do our best to come to a definitive answer, but, as I think you’re going to learn, there’s no such thing as a definitive answer when it comes to breakups. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Let’s Define What The No Contact Rule Is So, I thought probably the smartest thing to do first is to define what we consider to be a successful no contact rule. So, we’ve all heard about the no contact rule, this magical period of time where you purposely ignore your ex, usually, no matter what the circumstances are, for anywhere between 21 to 45 days, and hopefully at some point, they’ll miss you. Now, the no contact rule in and of itself is actually a lot more complicated than this average, generic definition would have you believe. For example, we’ve learned that, really, what you do with your time during the no contact rule is one of the biggest indicators on if you’re going to have a successful reach-out or meet-up with your ex after a breakup. To give you an example, imagine there’s two people, Person A and Person B. Person A does a no contact rule with the pure intent of trying to make their ex miss them. Person B does the no contact rule, not necessarily to get over the breakup, but at some point throughout the no contact rule, they decide, “I’m going to focus more of my time on me instead of on my ex.” Now, when you compare the two experiences of Person A and Person B, Person B ends up having a lot more depth when they actually do get back in touch with their ex. Why? Well, I think it ultimately has to do with the rate of change. While Person A and Person B are both doing essentially the same things, Person A is still obsessing about their ex and oftentimes has anxious tendencies that still have a tendency, pun intended, to come out when they actually do get back in touch with their ex, whereas person B may start out with anxious tendencies, but through this time away, through the internal growth that occurs because they’re actively trying to improve their own lives during the no contact rule, they shed some of those anxious tendencies and then get back in touch with their ex, and their ex looks at them like they’re this whole new person. What Are The Overall Chances Of Success With An Ex? Now, the other element that we have to consider when we’re looking at the overall chances of getting an ex back after a no contact rule is what our research has found to be the average chance of success of getting an ex back without our help. So, a few years ago, I did this study where I was trying to find real-life data on what the average chance of someone who wants to get their ex back actually has when they’re just sort of going through a breakup. What’s interesting is there’s not a lot of research that has been done on how often couples reunite after a breakup, and the research that is done is either not done by a reputable source or is so specific to conditions that you always have to take it with a grain of salt, essentially. For example, some of those conditions would be something like, you know, we’re only looking at people in college, we’re not looking at the holistic experience of individuals across all age ranges. Things like that, you need to keep an eye out for. But nevertheless, I ended up finding some reputable resources that had done research on how often people would reunite after getting an ex back. And it turns out that, on average, there’s a 48.25% chance that you can get your ex back without our help, roughly 50/50, which doesn’t really tell you much more than you probably already know. Now, it’s important to keep in mind that this chance of success here actually happened where the no contact rule really wasn’t implemented, and if it was implemented, it was implemented just based on what that particular individual felt was right for their situation. So, oftentimes, no contact in these types of circumstances is indefinite, meaning they have no intent of ever talking or trying to get their exes back, which I realize is not an apples-to-apples comparison, but it helps us for answering the overall question that you’re here to learn about, which is, “What are the chances of getting my ex back if I use a no contact rule?” One other factor that I think is important to keep in mind is we’ve had a lot of success or have been blessed with a lot of success stories, people who have gotten their exes back throughout their time on Ex Boyfriend Recovery and our brother site Ex Girlfriend Recovery. But what’s interesting is we need to take a look at how we define success, because I want to be transparent with you. So, for me, success can mean usually one of two things. Number one is the most obvious one. You know, you want to get your ex back, you implement some strategies and tactics, and ultimately get them back. Doing Thing A leads to Thing B, very obvious. I think also success can be considered if you come into this process wanting your ex back more than anything, and then exit this process choosing not to get them back, but also having them, or them exhibiting signs that they are interested in you, but you haven’t decided you don’t want them back anymore, essentially. I’d consider this to be a success as well. Let’s Actually Define Success After The No Contact Rule So, when you look at that, how you define success, or rather, how we define success, I did this interview with our head coach, master coach, Anna, who’s our head coach here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, and we were just talking, and she mentioned that she’s had a success rate of her clients of over 70%. And I asked her specifically, “Well, how are you defining success?” And she basically gave the same parameters that I gave: either you get your ex back, or things are going really well with your ex but you decide you don’t want them back anymore. So, those parameters had to be in place. What’s interesting is, before my wife ended up moving on and doing something different, she was actually a coach here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery as well, in… I believe in the years 2018, or, I think 2017 or 2018, I can’t remember exactly, because years just kind of blend together, she ended up taking on 10 high-value clients. I mean, these were clients that worked with her day and night, every single day. And her success rate was a seven out of 10. Seven of them got their exes back; three of them did not. One of them technically… One of the three technically did get the ex back; the ex literally looked at her and said, “Do you ever think about getting back together?” And she didn’t know what to do, so she texted my wife. So, there’s a little bit of an issue from there, so it could’ve been actually higher, but… I think what’s interesting is when you take the basic strategy, the basic overall baseline, our chances of getting your ex back without any kind of help from us or any other coaching practice that helps you through this difficult time, helps you through this grieving process, you’re looking at roughly a 48.25% baseline chance. There’s a 48% chance that your ex will come back to you. We cannot guarantee that. I’ve been on record saying multiple times that even if I sit here and say you have a 99% chance of getting your ex back, there’s still a 1% chance that you won’t get your ex back. There’s no guarantees in this. But what this tells us is a 48.25% chance is kind of the baseline. Yet our clients… We are obviously very, very big people, we think very highly of the no contact rule, if you will. Our clients are having over 70% success rates, and they are using the no contact rule. So, if you’re looking for any kind of way of gauging what the no contact rule can sort of add to your overall baseline percentage of chances, I think roughly it’s going to add 21.75% improvement on your chances of success. And look, this is not necessarily talking about the generalized no contact. I realize this is very, very difficult to kind of get to the bottom of what’s working and what’s not, like I said. The way we define the no contact rule is it’s supposed to be this period of time where you work on outgrowing your ex. This is the single… In fact, this is the single most important factor that we’re finding helps you get your ex back. It’s the ability to get to this place emotionally where you’ve outgrown them, where you are willing to let them go forever and be okay with your life. How many of you listening to this or reading this right now are at that place? Chances are, probably not a lot of you. So, if you’re not doing a no contact rule with that in mind, you can kind of kiss these improvements goodbye. But the impact, the overall impact that a no contact rule has on your chances is just impressive. To me, it still baffles my mind when someone wouldn’t even want to try it out. I guess I… Playing devil’s advocate, the reason most people don’t want to try the no contact rule out, usually they fall into two camps. Number one is it seems like kind of a mean thing to do to an ex, someone who you care about so deeply. And number two is you think that it is a type of a strategy meant to manipulate your ex. And we’re trying to reframe the way you’re looking at the no contact rule. This is not a strategy that’s about your ex. This is a strategy about you. This is a strategy where you will work to heal after the breakup. This is the important part that we’re trying to get across. So, the first thing we would say about, like, look, the first big improvement that the no contact rule will have on your chances is it’s really going to help the internal work that you’re going to be doing. It gives you time to create some steady habits, to create an efficiency of habit stacking that allows you to have more depth. We have no control over the length of our life, but we have control over the depth of our life. And I’m a big believer in becoming someone so impressive that your ex just is naturally drawn to you, and you don’t really do that by obsessing about them and trying to play games during the no contact rule on making them miss you. It’s not about that. We need to sort of put that off. So, I think that’s the first big thing that can really improve the impact that the no contact rule will have on your overall chances of success. For me, the second big thing is actually by looking at the data. We’ve had a lot of success stories, thousands that have come through our program, and I’m not kidding you, literally thousands. Our Way Of No Contact Is Different Than You Expect I’ve been lucky enough to interview, I think I’ve got like 50 or 60 hours’ worth of interviews on YouTube just for free, where I sit down with success stories and interview them for anywhere between 35 minutes to an hour, talking to them, trying to pick them apart and understand what they’re doing that’s working. And what’s interesting is that in 90% of those very same success stories, they used a no contact rule. So, the no contact rule’s clearly a huge factor for those who are successful at getting their exes back. We also think that it’s a huge reason for why our program is so successful. What I think sets our program apart is that we initially started as one of the traditional, like, “Hey, look, we will teach you how to get your ex back,” but over time, we learned what actually work isn’t necessarily the tactics to make you more desirable to your ex. What matters more is that you make yourself more desirable to yourself, and by default, your ex finds that more desirable. And I know that’s, like, incredibly cliché, and I think that’s why a lot of people, when they hear something like that, they kind of scoff and roll their eyes and say, “Well, that’s cliché, I’ve heard that a million times.” But what I’m proud of is the way in which we empower men and women to actually make a difference, and the no contact rule is sort of the vehicle in which we give them the… Think of it like this. It’s the first big domino that falls. Once we can get them to do the no contact rule and get them to adopt the no contact rule from an outgrowth mindset, we find they just end up improving week after week after week, becoming more empowered, becoming more confident to the point where, at the end, our end goal for everyone that comes through our website, program, everything is at the end of a no contact rule, we want to see such a change internally within you that you don’t even really want to get your ex back anymore, because that’s how we know, look, now you have all the leverage. You talk to them, you don’t care if they respond, you’re not going to be looking at your phone every five minutes. You’ve kind of grown past them. You kind of have to ask yourself, “Are they willing to meet me at my new level?” I also think that you need to understand that the no contact rule is a tool and not the entire strategy for getting an ex back. Look, the no contact rule will absolutely make anger dissipate, and will absolutely make people nostalgic, but that’s pretty much all it does from a stand from a “this will make my ex miss me” standpoint. If you’re looking at the no contact rule, just purely what it’s going to do to your ex, it’s going to do two things. It will make them calm down after the breakup, and it will help make them more nostalgic; our research on avoidance has suggested that. But we add this extra element of, like, “Okay, while that’s going on, let’s also do this work here. Let’s move on.” This is not a popular thing to say, because I think most people come into this… Most people come into this because they think their ex is the man of their dreams. And what we’re trying to make you realize at the end of it is, he may very well be, but also, so is this guy, so is this guy, so is this guy, and you have your pick of the litter. No Contact Is The First Step… Not The Entire Strategy So, the first thing I would say is you really need to understand that the no contact rule is just the first step to this overall strategy. It’s not the entire strategy. I think that’s a huge mistake people make. Right? There’s a synergy between all of the three core components that make up our program. So, if you were kind of to divide the three components of our program up, you would have three specific categories. You would have the no contact rule, you’d have the concept of the value ladder, and then the concept of the value chain. So, the no contact rule is all about internal work, the value ladder is all about external work, and the value chain kind of combines that value ladder and no contact work together. All right, so the way I try to explain it to people who get confused, because sometimes I don’t do the best of explaining it, is simple. The no contact rule, this period of time where you’re ignoring your ex, is all about you fixing you. Not saying that there’s anything wrong, but there’s improvements that we can make. Everyone has improvements. The value ladder is all about helping you understand the mediums in which you’re going to be communicating with your ex, and how you need to communicate with your ex. So, for example, after a no contact rule, what do you do? How do you get your ex back? Well, the first thing you’re typically going to want to do is build value through text messaging. Once enough value is built through there, you’re going to move up to phone calls, or sometimes video chat or Skype, or what have you. Once you build enough value there, while still using text message, you add on meetups. Meetups are kind of not romantic dates, they can be [inaudible 00:16:41] kind of hangouts, but the…

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Signs He’s Not Over His Ex Oct 06, 2021

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Today, we’re going to talk about how to tell if he’s not over his ex. Now what’s really interesting about this topic is that on our website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we mostly deal with people coming at it from the other side of the equation. Meaning they’ve been broken up with by an ex, they’re trying to get that ex back or trying to move on from an ex. But I thought an interesting way to thread the needle is by looking at it from the perspective of someone who’s actually dating a boyfriend and has suspicions that this boyfriend is still into their ex. So this is kind of this interesting way of threading the needle between both encampments, whether you’re currently in a relationship with someone and you have a suspicion that they may still be harboring feelings for their ex. Or you’re coming at it from the perspective of you have been broken up with by your ex-boyfriend, he’s moved on to someone new, and you’re trying to figure out if he’s still into you. Let’s get started. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz The 8 Definitive Signs He’s Not Over His Ex So today we’re going to talk about the eight definitive signs that he’s not over his ex and these definitive signs are not just taken out of a hat. I’m famous for trying to use real life research to back up every assertion that I make. Now, luckily on Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we’ve had a wealth of success stories from people who have gotten their exes back. And what’s interesting is we learn a lot by talking to the individuals who got their exes back and asking those individuals, if they actually asked their ex what their perspective was during the breakup. So specifically I want to hyper sort of look at our success stories in which another woman was involved, because I think that will help us understand how to tell if he’s not over his ex, when he’s dating someone currently. And we found eight definitive sort of signs that you need to keep an eye out for and some of these signs, if you’re not new to this website, and you’ve read a lot of our articles will not be anything new to you. But if you are coming to our website and kind of devouring the content for the first time, I’m sure a lot of these signs are going to be incredibly interesting to you. So let’s just get started. Here are the eight definitive signs that he’s not over his ex. Time Investment From A Texting Perspective Time Investment From An In Person Perspective They Come To Her Rescue Every Chance They Get The Avoidant Side Gets Triggered When You Bring Her Up They Fixate On How Their Past Relationship Went Wrong They Grow Jealous When Their Ex Dates Someone New You Catch Them Using Pet Names With Their Ex They Become Overly Protective Of Their Phone Sign #1: Time Investment From A Texting Perspective Sign number one, time investment from a texting perspective. All right, so what’s kind of interesting about this is we know based on a lot of different scientific research out there, there’s this concept called the interdependence theory, which posits that human beings commit to one another based on a cost and benefit scenario. So in essence, human beings are always trying to find the best deal for themselves from a relationship perspective. And usually they use three types of criteria to determine whether or not they’re going to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs. And those three bits of criteria are how satisfied they tend to be in the current relationship that they’re in. If they feel they’re not very satisfied, what typically happens next is they start thinking that there’s a better alternative out there for them. They think I can do better than the person I’m with. And then of course, they look at investment from a monetary perspective, but more important, from an emotional and time perspective. Now what’s really interesting is they’ve done a lot of research on these different facets, these different tenants. So we have, Satisfaction Alternatives Investment And what’s interesting is they definitely seem to find correlations between investment and everything else. And what I mean by that is let’s imagine you take a pretend scenario here. Let’s say that you’ve been married together with someone for 25 years, and you’re incredibly unhappy with the relationship, you feel unsatisfied. And every day you wake up thinking to yourself, I can do better than this. I need to find someone better than this. I need to leave this person. And what’s interesting is that person in this pretend scenario never leaves that person. Why? Well, it’s really from a investment standpoint. They have found that even if you are unsatisfied in a relationship, and even if you feel like you can do better than the person that you’re with, you tend to not to change your situation if you have invested a lot into it. Because people don’t want to feel that their time was wasted ultimately. So what we’re looking for here is a time investment from a texting perspective. So if you were one of those people who is very comfortable, very secure with yourself, and you’re okay with your current boyfriend texting his ex, and you start to notice that that boyfriend is spending more time texting his ex than he does texting and spending time with you, this is a sign that he is feeling more feelings towards her. It’s not a good sign. It’s a sign that he’s not over his ex essentially. Sign #2: Investment From An In Person Perspective Now staying on the same investment standpoint this leads us to actually sign number two, which is time investment from an in-person perspective. So texting is pretty much the thing that all couples do nowadays. Usually we’re finding that across all age brackets, texting is probably the easiest way of communication, but it’s not the most meaningful way of communicating. If you notice that your ex or your current boyfriend is spending a lot of time with his ex, what that typically means is he is investing a lot of meaningful time with this person. And it is not a good sign. Generally speaking, people who are happy in their relationships do not spend time with their exes if they can help it. And what I mean by that is there are always, those constraints revolved around sharing kids, or if the person works for you or works with them, or what have you, circumstantial things like that don’t really count. We’re talking about him spending time with his ex when he doesn’t have to, and an in-person perspective. So the one sort of tricky thing here is it’s really easy in sign number one to say like, okay, if he’s spending more time texting his ex than he does texting you, not a good sign. It means he’s still not over his ex. With sign number two, what we’re looking for here isn’t necessarily the guy’s spending more time with his ex in person, but rather we’re looking for, if he’s spending as much time with this person as he is with you, he still has feelings for that person. Sign #3: They Come To Her Rescue Every Chance They Get Let’s move on to sign number three. They come to her rescue every chance they get. Now, what’s interesting about this one is it really backs up what we’re finding with regards to the damsel in distress text message. So if you’re not familiar, Ex Boyfriend Recovery was originally conceived as a strategy website for helping people who are trying to get their exes back, actually accomplish that goal. Over time, as it has evolved more into a self-help development type of a strategy, which if done correctly can help you achieve that goal. But more than anything, it’s helping you gear your time towards repairing yourself after a relationship, kind of picking yourself up off the ground. But what is kind of cool about all of our experience in helping individuals get back with exes, we’ve kind of learned tricks of the trade. We’re kind of learning what works when exes are kind of engaged. And what we found works better than anything seems to be these damsel in distress type text messages. So a prime example of this is we had a client once in our coaching practice who wanted to find a way to get her ex to see her in person. So it turns out that her air conditioning was broken in her apartment and she didn’t know how to fix it. And she didn’t have the money to hire an air conditioning repair guy. And it just turns out her ex was really handy around the house with things like that. So she sent him a text, “Hey, could I get your help on something?” And he dropped everything and came running. If you’re noticing that your boyfriend keeps running to repair things for his ex, it is a good sign that he harbors some feelings for her. Otherwise he would just sort of say, “We’re not dating anymore. I don’t care about that. Figure it out yourself. I moved on to someone new.” That’s what you want to see happen. What typically does happen in situations where your boyfriend has feelings for his ex is he will literally drop everything at the drop of a hat and go fix whatever she needs fixed. Sign #4: The Avoidant Side Of Him Gets Triggered Let’s move on to sign number four. All right, so sign number four is the avoidance side of him gets triggered when you bring her up. You are not dumb. I realize that’s a very simple statement to make. You already know that. And what I mean by that is when you are in a situation or scenario where you are worried if your current boyfriend has feelings for his ex, you are most likely going to bring this up to him, not in necessarily the most calm manner or in the ideal manner, but you will bring it up to him. What you’re looking for here is to draw on your past experience and look and see how he reacts. What you don’t want to see is his avoidance side getting triggered. What you do want to see is him not see me bothered by it. Him just simply explaining that it’s not true and I’ll explain why. What you don’t want to see is the avoidance side getting triggered. So what do I mean by that? Well, we really talk about attachment styles a lot on this website. So attachment styles, basically there’s four core main attachment styles: secure attachment anxious attachment avoidant attachment fearful attachment Avoidant attachment style is what we’re looking at here. We’re finding most ex-boyfriends that we deal with on our website tend to have avoidant attachment styles. That means they really value their independence. So when they feel like they become threatened or their independence becomes threatened, they tend to push people away out of their lives. Well, in this odd way, you bringing up the boyfriend triggers or can trigger this side because it feels like an assault on his independence. And this is kind of a weird sort of thing. So what you don’t want to see happen is him to withdraw and almost disappear. This would indicate he’s still harboring feelings for his ex, because what we notice happens with avoidant people is they tend to only allow themselves to feel nostalgia for past relationships when they are sure that they can never get that past relationship back. So this happens one of two ways. The first way is the way we recommend to people, which is try to project that you’re moving on after your breakup, even if you don’t feel like it because this will help that nostalgia come out. The second is if that avoidant begins to date with someone new, AKA you, and they can think back positively on their past relationship. So this is what we’re looking for. We’re looking to see if his avoidance side gets triggered. So what are some avoidant things to do? Well, I gave you the most common one, which is they simply shut up and sort of very slowly disappear. You’re looking for any type of withdrawal aspect coming from them. This is not a good sign. Sign #5: Fixating On How Their Past Relationship Went Wrong Let’s move on to sign number five. Sign number five is they fixate on how their past relationship went wrong. Okay, story time. When I was 19 years old, maybe 20, I had gone through my first breakup and I’ll never forget this. I was really upset about how the breakup ended, because I felt like I could have done better in the relationship. I felt like I was given an unfair scenario. I felt like her friends ganged up on me. I felt a lot of stuff. What’s kind of interesting about this is I was not over the breakup clearly. So after about like eight weeks or so, I meet this girl, really lovely girl, nothing but great things to say about her. I consider her to be prettier than my ex. She was basically more intellectual than my ex. She was, in my eyes, better in every single way. There was a attraction, there was a mutual attraction there but I was still not over my ex. And so what ended up happening is as we began dating and going on dates, I just could not help myself and fixate on how my past relationship went wrong. And I almost did these comparisons between her and my ex in front of her. That was an immature 19, 20 year old kid. I can’t remember. It’s been so long ago now. But I was this immature kid that literally did these comparisons in front of her. And nothing screams you are still into your ex more than if you spend more time talking about your ex than you do about any other aspect of the relationship. So if your current boyfriend is fixating on how their past relationship went wrong, what either they could have done better. But most of the time there’s going to be a lot of blame. They’re going to blame their ex. Their ex was this, their ex was that, their ex was this. And they just fixate on that and they can’t let it go. It’s a good sign that they have some type of feelings and they’re not over their ex completely. Sign #6: They Grow Jealous When Their Ex Dates Someone New Let’s move on to sign number six. Sign number six is they grow jealous when their ex dates someone new. This is probably the most obvious sign that there is. There’s a clear cause and effect happening here. Your boyfriend notices that his ex-girlfriend begins dating someone new and they immediately say that they’re not jealous, but they exhibit all the jealous type of behaviors. They try to rub the fact that they’re dating someone new, AKA you, into their ex’s face. They specifically pick arguments with their ex and just seem upset for no reason whatsoever. And usually what happens is you don’t find this out in such a simple manner. What usually happens is the effect comes first before you can find the cause. So if all of a sudden your current boyfriend is doing out of character things like, hey, take this picture with me here. Hey, take this picture with me here. And then after some research on your part, you find out, oh, the ex of my boyfriend is now dating someone new. This is not a good sign that he’s completely over his ex. Remember the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. What you’re looking for here weirdly enough is you want your current boyfriend to be indifferent about whatever his ex is up to. Sign #7: You Catch Them Using Pet Names With Their Ex Let’s move on to sign number seven. You catch them using pet names with their ex. This always bugged me. And I think it still does to this day. I have not been in a situation where I’ve had to worry about that, thank goodness. But let’s say you start dating someone new. And there’s always this weird question in your mind on how much you can trust this new person, because you’re opening yourself up to them. You don’t want them to hurt you. And then we kind of come up with the pet name scenario, which is babe, or honey, or hon or whatever the pet names we use are in our relationships. And this thought enters your mind, which is, do they only do this with people that they’re intimate with or close with, like romantic with? Or do they do this with everyone? I was taking a trip down to my parents, I drove kind of like a cross country trip down to my parents and I got to Alabama. So I live in Florida. My parents live in Texas so I had to drive all the way from Florida to Texas. And we go through Alabama. Go thro…

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