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**The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast**

Listen as Chris Seiter helps women through breakups and recovery. The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast is one of the most popular self help and dating podcasts online today. Seiter takes real life situations on one by one and provides valuable advice that have helped thousands of women find success and peace with their love lives.

Latest Episodes:

**Why Would An Ex Reach Out And Then Disappear?** May 09, 2022
Show notes

Today I’m going to look at one of the most common situations that our clients find themselves. Figuring out exactly why an ex would reach out to you and then suddenly disappear.

Unfortunately this type of mixed signal happens quite often and most of my clients are left wondering how the heck to make sense of it.

Ultimately, I’m going to argue that the primary reason that a lot of exes reach out to you and then disappear is a function of them falling victim to the nostalgia principle that avoidants often fall victim to.

Have no idea what that is?

Well, allow me to explain.

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Anxious, Avoidants And Them Disappearing

For the past few months I’ve talked nonstop about avoidants and how they react post breakup. No, it’s never a one size fits all situation but I’ll tell you what.

A lot of what we know about avoidants can explain a lot of post breakup behavior.

So, let’s start at the beginning. Most of our clients exes are avoidant,

Well according to this article I wrote up earlier in the year,

The Avoidant Attachment Style: They are a person that does not like a lot of emotional intimacy or vulnerability within a relationship. They typically revert a conversation back to someone else to talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight. Often that’s how you’ll figure out if they’re avoidant or not. Ultimately they are afraid of having a deeper emotional connection and it all can stem from their experience in childhood. They’ve learned that any time they are vulnerable, it can be used against them and therefore they don’t rely on other people.

Essentially in a relationship any time someone gets close or threatens their idea of independence they run.

Of course, to make matters more interesting most of our clients tend to be more anxious by nature,

So, the most common pairing we see amongst our clients and their exes is this,

Anxious (our client) + Avoidant (clients ex)

The School of Life, a worthy YouTube subscribe did an excellent video detailing some of the issues with this pairing,

This quote specifically caught my eye,

Tragically, this avoidant party triggers every insecurity known to their anxious lover. Under pressure to be warmer and more connected, the avoidant partner instinctively withdraws and feels overwhelmed and hounded. They go cold – and disconnect from the situation only further ramping up the partner’s anxiety.

What I’ve noticed is that often the anxious and avoidant pairing gets caught up in this cycle.

And by looking at this specific cycle we can actually gain insight into what is going on when your ex reaches out to you and then suddenly disappears.

The eight stages of the cycle are as follows,

The avoidant wants someone to love them

They find someone (the anxious person) and believe their troubles are over

The anxious person triggers their avoidant side and they start worrying about it

The avoidant person starts thinking of leaving

The avoidant person actually leaves

Infused with independence the avoidant feels a sense of euphoria

But it’s lonely being alone

The avoidant starts to feel bad for themselves and wonders why they can’t ever find the right person

And around and around they go.

Now, it’s that return of the cycle that interests us. Specifically this part right here,

Them feeling lonely, depressed and sad leads them to start looking again and triggers the nostalgia principle.

The Nostalgia Principle

So, there’s really two things that happen upon the turn of the wheel above.

They re-live the cycle out with a new partner

They attempt to re-live the cycle out with you

We’re interested in that second outcome.

In this video,

I essentially argue that,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

This is particularly helpful to us for a number of reasons. Firstly, it describes that often an avoidant won’t begin to miss you until a lot of time has gone by. Secondly, it shows that they still have quite a bit of fear operating behind the scenes.

Essentially it’s the perfect cocktail of chemistry to illicit the, reach out and disappear behavior we are focused on here.

So, my argument is a simple one.

The reason that your ex is reaching out to you and suddenly disappearing is because they are falling victim to this nostalgia principle where they momentarily want to re-live the best moments of the relationship. After they reach out though they start to second guess themselves. They fear a loss of independence again and bail which creates a complicated mixed signal for you to sort through.

This is doubly true if you actually respond to them. You see, avoidants love nothing more than the concept of a phantom ex.

The Importance Of The Phantom Ex

The phantom ex is a concept well known but we’re going to add an interesting twist to it.

First things first, what is it?

The Phantom Ex: In your exes mind they have a story of the one that got away. That one ex that if they could just get back all would be right in the world but it’s designed to be that way. An eternal beacon of light that the avoidant can never reach designed to keep all other romantic attachments away.

According to Free To Attach, one of my favorite avoidant resources,

The phantom ex operates because there is/was distance, not because the relationship was successful. But a fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, blocking them from getting close to someone else.

Why this is important is because avoidants don’t really want any romantic connections that threaten their independence so what better than setting up a situation where it’s impossible for someone to get close.

We’ve noticed a lot of exes like to paint YOU as a phantom ex and in their mind they build up the positive moments of the relationship a la the peak end rule,

If you don’t know what that is I highly recommend you watch this,

Essentially it’s an argument that human beings suck at remembering entire experiences so instead they compartmentalize them into two distinct points,

The peak

The end

Essentially what we think is that your ex is reaching out because they fall victim to having nostalgia based on the peak moments of your time together.

Of course, the moment you respond they get pulled into the end moments of the relationship and I don’t know about you but not many ends to relationships are pleasant are they?

But this brings up an interesting question.

Is there ever a time when an ex reaching out to you can be authentic?

The Meaning Formula

I’m going to teach you a universal formula for measuring attraction so get your pencils out,

Undivided Attention = Interest

Let’s first apply this to your life before we start applying it to your ex. Think of the last time you gave someone your undivided attention.

For me, it was a book editor that I hired. One of my dreams has always been to create a story that people are obsessed with. Starting in 2020 I began that process and started hiring a team of individuals to create an experience like no other.

Among those individuals was a book editor, a darn good one too.

Anyways, every Tuesday we meet and discuss the craft of writing and how I can improve. He has my undivided attention because I’m extremely interested in what he has to say.

Now, there is obviously no romantic connection there but that’s not what I’m trying to dive into yet. What I’m simply saying to you that if you give someone your undivided attention it’s a good indicator that you are interested in what they have to say.

The same principle applies to your ex except here’s the fascinating thing. The more undivided attention they give you the more likely they are to have their avoidant side triggered.

Frustrating, right?

So, Why Do Exes Reach Out And Then Suddenly Disappear?

Well, most of our research has been revolving around avoidants so the first thing I’d look at is whether or not your ex is an avoidant.

If they are then it’s highly likely that the following cycle occurs,

A good amount of time has gone by post breakup.

The avoidant ex falls victim to the nostalgia principle

They start daydreaming about your peak moments together

They paint you as the phantom ex, the one that got away

This causes them to reach out to you

But reaching out to you has removed your phantom ex status and they start to fear that they’ll lose whatever distance they had to protect them

Worse, is the more undivided attention they give you and more interest they feel the more they feel that their independence will be threatened

And so they bail and disappear in an attempt to regain their long sought after independence

It’s not a perfect one size fits all explanation for every single situation but it is something we’ve definitely seen in our coaching practice.
The post Why Would An Ex Reach Out And Then Disappear? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

**Is It Better To Block Or Ignore An Ex?** May 08, 2022
Show notes

Today we’re going to talk about if it’s better to block or ignore your ex.

Ultimately, the decision should be based on your overall goals post breakup.

As a general rule of thumb, ignoring your ex and then getting back in contact later is used for getting an ex back.

On the other hand, blocking an ex is probably one of the best ways to actually get over an ex, assuming you can keep them blocked.

Of course, there is always more nuance to these discussions so that’s what this article is going to be focused on, the nuance.

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Figuring Out Your Overall Goal

Above we already established our sort of rule of thumb.

Ignore Your Ex = Start The Process Of Getting Them Back

Block Your Ex = Start The Process Of Getting Over Them

Realistically, not many people who come to our website have that goal fully figured out. They are stuck on a pendulum constantly swinging back and forth between wanting their ex back one day and then not wanting them.

So, my goal here is to help you make this decision easier and I’d first start by looking at few statistics

What Do The Statistics Say About Ignoring/Blocking An Ex

Now, I’ve written about the merits of ignoring and blocking an ex quite a lot but what do the statistics actually say.

Well, that’s the thing. There are no legitimate sources of research out there that have done a deep dive into ignoring or blocking an ex.

So, the internal research from our private facebook support group is the best we could do for you.

Let’s first start by talking about ignoring an ex.

Stats On Ignoring An Ex

When I talk about ignoring an ex I’m really talking about implementing a no contact rule. A self imposed period of time where you are ignoring your ex purely as an opportunity for self growth on your part.

Of course, the no contact rule isn’t meant to be permanent (unless of course we talk about “the block” version but we aren’t doing that here.)

Generally there are three time frames that we’ve historically recommended when it comes to no contact.

A 21 day rule

A 30 day rule

A 45 day rule

The goal with no contact is to get to this place emotionally where you’ve outgrown your ex before you actually begin to establish contact again.

So, the intent to actually start a conversation is always there and that’s what separates “ignoring an ex” from “blocking an ex.”

But what do the statistics say.

Well, we’ve been blessed with some amazing success stories over the years.

If you look at the successes that I’ve interviewed one common theme you’ll find throughout all of them is that the no contact rule is present.

In fact, in a recent study we conducted in 2021 we found that over 90% of our success stories mentioned the no contact rule in their approach to getting their ex back.

This lends further credence to the,

“Ignoring = Get Your Ex Back Approach”

We’ve even gone as far as looking at why ignoring an ex seems to be so effective.

We believe it’s because the average client is trying to get back an ex that leans more towards avoidant.

The Ignoring Avoidant Statistics

Let’s use hard data here.

In 2020 I conducted a poll in our private facebook group asking our participants what attachment style they believed their ex was.

More than 400 participants took part.

70% believed their ex was an avoidant.

So, with this knowledge we can safely assume that a lot of times a no contact rule is being used on an avoidant which if you know anything about avoidants you would know is exactly what they want.

In fact, in this video,

I make a strong case that the only way an avoidant will miss you is if they feel comfortable missing you and that usually doesn’t happen until they feel like you’ve moved on.

What does the no contact rule do?

Basically puts forth the fact that you are moving on.

Of course, we still have one fly in the ointment.

Ignoring An Ex Takes Discipline

In the past I have made some statements based on research I conducted in 2013. Now, I don’t know about you but that’s a long time ago and interestingly, the dating dynamics have seemed to have changed.

So, what was the statement I made?

*Close to 80% of people who try the no contact rule will break it at least one time.*

That’s been my rallying cry for years to explain to people that the no contact rule is difficult. Well, what if I were to tell you the stats have changed?

In preparation for this article I ran a poll where I asked,

*For those of you who have attempted a no contact rule. How many of you made it through without breaking it at least once?*

Here were the results.

63% of participants admitted they had not broken the no contact rule

37% of participants admitted they had broken the no contact rule

So, why the sudden change in statistics? To me, it just means my team and I are doing a better job of educating individuals who attempt the no contact rule the pitfalls of breaking it.

Each time you have to start it over after failing it loses a bit of effectiveness.

Now lets switch gears and talk about blocking an ex.

What The Statistics Say About Blocking An Ex

Blocking an ex is actually my preferred method for getting over an ex.

It may sound harsh but I personally believe that the more you can limit the temptation of talking to an ex the easier it will be to focus your energies within and heal.

Too often have I seen clients try to remain friends with an ex they want to get over only to be caught back up in the on again/off again cycle.

So, blocking an ex should only be used if you want to get over the breakup.

There are a few stipulations I’d like to talk about here though. If you presently find yourself in a situation where you can’t block your ex full out then you are going to have to make a few alterations.

What would a situation like that look like?

You share children with your ex

You work with your ex

Basically any type of situation where it’s absolutely essential that you stay in contact

In those cases I’d recommend a soft block instead of a hard block.

Soft Block: Your ex is blocked almost everywhere but still has a few avenues of communication

Hard Block: Your ex is blocked everywhere imaginable

Now, most of the time when I’m dealing with clients who are on the opposite end of the situation. They are the ones being blocked by their exes and we’ve learned some interesting things about that.

So, most of our clients who find themselves caught up in a situation like this immediately panic because they want to find a way to get unblocked.

And the best advice we can give based on empirical data is to literally do nothing.

Don’t react.

Just wait it out.

70% of the time if you do nothing your ex will unblock you on their own accord.

So, what does that tell us for the discussion we are having in this article?

Simply that the odds of you keeping your ex blocked are pretty low. The single hardest thing you are going to be dealing with is temptation.

What is my ex doing without me?

Are they with someone else?

Is that new person better than me?

Are they as broken up about the breakup as I am?

These kind of thoughts often lead to a type of pogo sticking effect to occur.

What’s that?

Pogo Sticking: Where you block your ex, then unblock them to see what they are up to only to block them again. And on and on we go.

This is why I’m such a huge proponent of using blocking only if you want to get over your ex. It’s simply a strict way of limiting your distractions.

Take the no contact rule as an example. Theoretically the only difference between a no contact and a block is that with a no contact rule the temptations and distractions are always available to tempt you.

You can see when your ex reaches out to you.

You can see what they are doing on social media.

With a block that goes away. There are no distractions. No facebook stalking or instagram hounding (just made that up.) You get the picture though.

In the end the battle that really matters really happens up here (points to head.)

If you can’t obtain emotional control then everything is all for naught.
The post Is It Better To Block Or Ignore An Ex? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

**Do Emotionally Unavailable Dumpers Come Back?** Apr 16, 2022
Show notes

Today I’m going to take on one of the most common question dumpees ask about dumpers; Will they come back if they are emotionally unavailable?

Now, just so we’re operating under the same framework I’m going to define a dumper who is emotionally unavailable as someone who,

Is not comfortable sharing feelings or emotions with others. Often they can be even tone deaf to showing any kind of sympathy too.

So, does this type of person ever come back after a breakup?

As you can imagine the answer is a little nuanced but in all I’m going to argue that there’s a point where they have an extreme bout of nostalgia and consider the possibility.

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll act on those feelings.

Like I said, it’s complicated.

Luckily for you though, I’m here to hopefully provide some clarity.

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Dissecting The Emotionally Unavailable Equation

I don’t know if it’s just me but I’ve always struggled with diagnosing emotionally unavailable people.

I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery in 2012 and an argument can certainly be made that I was exposed to more emotionally unavailable behavior in the past ten years than I knew what to do with but I still struggled with explaining the root behaviors of why they are emotionally unavailable.

At least, that was until I came up with he following equation.

Emotionally Unavailable Behaviors = Avoidant Behaviors

It may not be fool proof. I’m sure a licensed therapist can find flaws with it. However, in my experience generally that singular equation can help with understanding why an emotionally unavailable person is… well, emotionally unavailable.

Let’s do a quick crash course on what an avoidant is if you don’t already know,

According to Free To Attach, my favorite attachment based website and avoidant attachment is,

Someone with a tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. Their caregivers consistently failed to meet certain needs (such as emotional support), so they learnt to suppress those needs and emotions and to self-soothe, meaning that even though they have a natural human craving for connection, at heart they feel safest alone.

There’s a lot to unpack there so lets dive a bit deeper.

Understanding The Root Cause Of An Emotionally Unavailable Dumpers Avoidant Persona

Following the definition above an avoidant is often an avoidant due to their primary caregivers not meeting certain needs.

This teaches them from an early age to self soothe and thus creates a kind of lone wolf complex.

My colleague, Dr. Tyler Ramsey, often will talk about finding an emotionally unavailable dumpers core wound.

According to him, an avoidant has a core wound based around fear. Essentially they fear anyone who threatens their independence which as you can imagine relationships certainly do.

It’s stubbornness on a pretty deep level that is hard to overcome. In fact, I’m reminded of Platos Allegory of The Cave in relation to their behavior.

Essentially it goes like this.

Imagine you were imprisoned in a cave with other prisoners from an early age. All you see around you is darkness and flickers of shadow due fire in the distance.

This is your entire life. Your entire existence. It’s all you’ve ever known.

Almost no one ever escapes the cave until one day you do. Suddenly you are exposed to the wonders of the outside world and you go through a personal Renaissance learning everything you possibly can.

One day you decide to travel back to the cave and tell the other prisoners there of the wonders of the outside world but you are met with skepticism.

“No, life is not all about this cave. There is a sun, sky, beauty to be found.”

But they aren’t buying it. In fact, they view you with such skepticism that they try to kill you.

Here’s the point. Often with an avoidant trying to convince them that they should be with you after they’ve dumped you is akin to you going back into that cave and convincing the prisoners.

The emotionally unavailable dumper has most likely been avoidant their entire lives. It’s their way of coping. Their only way of knowing how to exist.

You coming and trying to convince them that there’s another way. That you can have a relationship that is healthy, open and secure is met with skepticism.

That’s an assault on their independence and without their independence they’ll be laid bare and that kind of vulnerability is often too difficult for them to bear.

But that doesn’t mean they don’t consider getting back with you. We’ve noticed an interesting thing.

The Nostalgia Factor

I know I sound like a broken record because I talk about this all the time. In fact, I’ve filmed entire videos on it,

But there will come a time after an emotionally unavailable person has discarded you that they begin to fantasize about you again.

I think one of the reasons I’m so big about hammering this point home is that it really took me personally a long time to figure this out.

Years.

And I feel a little annoyed at how simplistic it seems to people. Often, when I explain this concept to them they’ll roll their eyes and go, “Of course.” Like it was the easiest thing in the world for me to learn.

It’s wasn’t.

I can’t tell you how many thousands of situations I had to study to learn it.

I can’t tell you how many hundreds of clients I had to personally coach and then wait months for their results to prove my hypothesis.

So, here is what we learned.

When an emotionally unavailable person feels like they have their independence again they finally allow themselves to feel nostalgia for that past relationship.

This is making a few assumptions though. If you were too aggressive in your pursuit of fixing the relationship they can sometimes skip over the nostalgia stage and simply just move on.

Additionally, just because they are having nostalgia about you doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll act on their feelings.

You see, emotionally unavailable people often fall victim to the phantom ex syndrome.

I’ll let Free To Attach explain this one,

An avoidant person often has a story of a perfect ex in a relationship that wasn’t fully realised, the ‘one that got away’ to whom no one else can measure up. The phantom ex operates because there is/was distance, not because the relationship was successful. But a fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, blocking them from getting close to someone else. Just the knowledge that this person is out there is enough to make any new partner seem insignificant by comparison, a subconscious distancing strategy.

Look at how on brand that is for them. By concocting this idealized partner.

This “one that got away” it’s essentially a perfect excuse to keep all relationship at an arms length. No one will be able to measure up to this perfect person.

Thus, they hold on and protect their independence. So, weirdly fawning over failed relationships is part of their process.

That nostalgia will happen if you give them space because it’s literally their way to protect themselves.

But Do They Ever Come Back On Their Own Accord?

If you’ve been with Ex Boyfriend Recovery from the beginning then perhaps one of the things you may have noticed is that I encourage men and women to be a lot more active than most of my peers.

While they preach, “let the man come to you.”

I preach, “Give them some space and then be active.”

In truth it’s because I’ve always felt that playing hard to get alone isn’t an effective strategy all the time.

Only when I started learning about attachment styles did I really see this kick into overdrive.

According to a poll in our private facebook support group, most of our clients are dealing with dumpers who are avoidant and emotionally unavailable.

And everything I’ve researched and experienced says that if you just leave an avoidant alone they won’t usually take any meaningful action to “win you back” until WAYY down the road and usually I’m talking about years later.

In fact, we see this happening as early as the no contact rule. Contrary to popular belief most exes will not contact you during the no contact rule,

Why? Because they are avoidant.

Usually our clients have to be active if they want a reconciliation to occur and the key factor that everyone misses in the industry is that timing matters a ton with emotionally unavailable exes.

If you are “being active” in a space where an ex hasn’t hit that nostalgia phase you’ll be looked at as an annoyance.

So, half the battle is about timing your reach outs and value ladder work when an ex is in nostalgia mode but not being overbearing about it.

And the sad fact is that half of the time if you do get these emotionally unavailable exes back the relationships fail half of the time again.

So, I’d greatly encourage you to think carefully before embarking on this adventure. It’s not that it can’t be done. My team and I feel we’ve mastered the art of reconciliation.

It’s more about asking if the dumper is worth the effort.
The post Do Emotionally Unavailable Dumpers Come Back? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

**Stages A Fearful Avoidant Goes Through After A Breakup** Apr 11, 2022
Show notes

Today we’re going to be talking about the major stages that a fearful avoidant will go through during a breakup.

And here to help us is one of the best fearful avoidant experts in the world, Dr. Tyler Ramsey, to help dissect the stages.

According to Dr. Ramsey there are five key stages that a fearful avoidant will go through and oddly they are very similar to the dismissive avoidant stages we talked about in a previous article.

The five stages are,

Avoiding All Things About The Other Person

Feelings Beginning To Surface

The Pendulum Swing

The Attempt To Move On

Nostalgia Loop

First things first though, before we jump into talking about the stages of a fearful avoidant it’s probably a good idea to explain the difference between a dismissive avoidant and a fearful avoidant.

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What Is The Difference Between A Dismissive Avoidant And A Fearful Avoidant

In order to properly explain this concept we first need to really understand two opposing insecure attachment styles.

Anxious attachments: which are classified by individuals who like a lot of attention, affection, and crave constant reassurance in relationships

Avoidant attachments: which are classified by a persons need for independence. Generally when an avoidant feels that their independence is being threatened they will end a relationship.

You probably already know this as its been talked about on this website ad nauseam.

However, we haven’t talked a lot about the difference between dismissive and fearful avoidants.

A great cheat sheet you can use if you are confused is to simply think of the classifications this way,

Dismissive Avoidants: Comprised almost entirely of avoidant qualities.

Fearful Avoidants: Comprised of both anxious and avoidant qualities.

According To Dr Ramsey,

Really you have this unique dynamic with a fearful avoidant that has both qualities from within in so they have that anxious side to them, that’s basically craving a relationship. But also at the same time, they’re afraid to lose themselves in a relationship, their independence, their vulnerability, relying on someone. So you see them battle back and forth between the two. And that’s why they’re actually labeled fearful, because they desire a relationship but they’re afraid of it.

Stage One: Avoiding All Things About The Other Person

So, by his own admission Dr. Ramsey modeled the stages that a fearful avoidant is going to go through during a breakup after this video and article,

However, while they may sound similar there are subtle tweaks and differences that make all the difference in the world.

Almost all avoidants, no matter fearful or dismissive are going to have this first stage of avoiding all things about the other person but interestingly, a fearful avoidant, even though they have anxious qualities, they actually shut down and they deactivate more so than a dismissive avoidant.

Which you wouldn’t really expect.

It’s very interesting that they do these things, and it’s usually for a couple of weeks where they are just full blown, really trying to suppress those thoughts down.

Often you’ll see a lot of a fearful avoidants exhibit bad behaviors that may have been present in previous years.

Some of the most common coping mechanisms we’ve seen them engage in is,

Drinking a lot of alcohol

Going on a lot of dates with a lot of different people

Going as far as sleeping with some of those dates

I guess the more interesting question to ask at this point is why? What’s the psychology behind why they are engaging in these seemingly self destructive behaviors.

Dr Ramsey offers his take,

I think it’s because they have a lot of inconsistency within their past life. Usually what happens is a previous caregiver, was so inconsistent during their upbringing it impacts them on a profound level.

Stage Two: The Feelings For You Begin To Surface

Eventually that suppression can’t last forever and some of those suppressed feelings can begin to bubble to the surface.

Most of the time, they really tried to convince themselves that they have no feelings for you.

For them, this was a relationship that should have ended and usually it’s from an emotionally based decision.

They’re very emotionally based decision makers, where if something ignites, it ignites right there, then they’re like, Absolutely not, I have to get away.

But they recover quicker, too, because they have that pendulum like anxious and avoidant cycle where as soon as you give them their space, and you let them sit on it for a little while, they come out of it, they sober up in there, they start thinking more logically instead of emotionally.

Usually it’s because they’ve removed themselves from that scary environment.

As a result, that’s why you might see them start to have their feelings bubble to the surface.

But this is assuming you are giving that fearful avoidant ex some space.

What Happens If You Don’t Give A Fearful Avoidant Space?

Stage two is all about feelings being bubbled to the surface if you give them space but what happens if you don’t give them space?

Are they just kind of stuck perpetually in that first stage?

I put this question to Dr. Ramsey. Here was his answer,

Yeah, they stay in that first stage. It’s almost similar to the dismissive avoidant, you just reignite their avoidance all over again and they just push you away further. When an anxious person does go and try to contact a fearful avoidant over and over and over you do push them away further and they feel more firm in their decision, because you’re recreating that emotional kind of situation all over again.

Stage Three: The Pendulum Swing

Yeah, so the third stage is really where things start to change a little bit more from the dismissive avoidant stages because you actually kind of see their anxious side getting triggered a lot.

It’s best to look at their behaviors similar to that of a pendulum.

Swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Most like to think there’s an even split of how a fearful avoidant is half anxious or half avoidant but that’s actually not correct.

Rather a more accurate split is, 60/40 or 70/30.

And so depending upon if they’re more anxious or avoidant, they’re gonna sober up and they’re going to potentially try and reconcile with the relationship.

But when that happens, they have this ability to re suppress like a dismissive avoidant as well.

So, in the interview with Dr. Ramsey he gave some insight into the complicated nature of fearful avoidant thoughts,

And what makes this trigger is their anxiousness getting to them too much, or what’s actually going on in their life. Currently, they’re feeling alone, they’re feeling like they can’t get anyone else, then they’re more likely to reconcile because they’re more anxious. And you’ll see sometimes and it’s probably like a 50/50 shot, a fearful avoidant will actually reach out to you. During that time, it’s not always the case. But the reason why they may not reach out is because they are afraid of being rejected all over again, or feeling that pain all over again, that they tried to avoid previous. So that’s why it’s a 50/50 shot if they’ll reach out. And it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to reconcile, if they don’t reach out, it just means they’re too scared to put their, you know, vulnerability on the line.

Ultimately this is the stage where you see a lot of mixed signals and for many who date these individuals it can feel like they’re almost dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Stage Four: They Attempt To Move On

Either the Re suppression or the rejection will win out eventually and they will try and begin to move on.

But it’s interesting to note that this stage can potentially never occur if you push them too far with anxious behavior. This is all assuming you are giving that fearful avoidant space.

If that’s the case, then usually they themselves are tired of being bitten by that anxious part within them.

Honestly, in a lot of ways, fearful avoidants are very complex people.

They’re not this just cookie cutter kind of person.

Really, I think if you are very anxious towards them they are still very empathetic people, so they feel bad for hurting you.

They’ll feel bad for making you feel that anxiousness. And so they don’t typically hit that point of no return until after you triggered them a few times.

Often you’ll have to continuously do it over and over and over and over to where what happens is it becomes too much of a burden on them.

They feel so bad, because they have such a core wound of feeling like they’re not good enough.

And that’s actually what an anxious person is reconfirming to them that they’re never good enough.

Because they’re reaching out saying they didn’t do these things for them.

Or why how could you treat me like this?

So they eventually just push you away completely forever, because you’re too dangerous to them and you’re too emotionally volatile.

It can make them feel so bad about themselves that they can’t handle it anymore.

And so it’s an interesting concept because anxious people don’t always think that way but they are honestly reconfirming to a fearful avoidant, their deep core wound over and over.

Stage Five: Nostalgia Loop

Stage five is all about the fearful avoidant getting hit with these waves of nostalgia about your relationship.

When eventually the FA (fearful avoidant) becomes more stabilized when they feel ok and a lot of time has passed they can actually sometimes enter this phantom ex stage.

They’ll start thinking,

“Man I missed this about my ex.” “I remember how good it felt during that one time.” etc.

And so they get caught up in the cyclic nostalgia loop but that nostalgia loop isn’t always enough to make them want to come back.

Remember, they almost like having the phantom ex ideal in their head.

In fact, according to Dr. Ramsey,

One of the hard truths is that a lot of times a fearful avoidant will attempt to cope with rebound after rebound after rebound. They’re very subject to rebounds because they have that anxious side of them. They can fall victim to that honeymoon phase. They’ll just go from one to the 111th person to the next but after a while they get tired of it. They re-reflect back on themselves and go, “gosh, maybe I had it good for with that one person from way long ago, maybe I’m never gonna find someone, maybe, you know, I’m gonna spend my life alone forever.” Why can’t I stay in a relationship for so long?

It’s usually at that point that they go back and they revisit that one.

And so you’ll see that happen a lot. In fact, most of the time typically has to pass before they do something like that.

The Rebound Comparison Game

Another interesting thing we’ve found about rebounds is that they play this strange comparison game.

Since often they’re rebounding what they’ll do is constantly compare every person to the key core characteristics they prefer in a partner.

They have this warped sense of reality where they think relationships should be perfect with no hardship, no emotional vulnerability.

And if it does have that, then it’s not the right person.

And they blame it on that and they break up. And so because they have all of these people that they have crossed compared on this person offered this and this one did this, and this person that I’m looking for should have all of these things, and I shouldn’t have to work hard at all.

According to Dr. Ramsey,

I think the biggest difference between a dismissive and a fearful is the fact that one has a high self esteem and one doesn’t. It’s the fearful avoidant that has the low self esteem.

Ultimately you’ll see that type of behavior play out consistently throughout their relationships.
The post Stages A Fearful Avoidant Goes Through After A Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

When Does The Dumper Start Missing The Dumpee? Apr 09, 2022

Show notes

Today I’d like to explore exactly when the dumper can start missing the dumpee. And really I think there are three specific things to touch on with this topic. Answering if the dumper will even miss their ex after a breakup Understanding how an avoidant self fulfilling cycle comes into play Managing your expectations on when you can expect a dumper to miss you So, if you’re ready to go all in on understanding the psychology of a dumper then let’s just jump right in. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Does The Dumper Even Miss Their Ex? It wouldn’t be a “Chris Seiter” article without me saying something controversial. So, let’s just get this out of the way. In most cases, if you give your ex enough space, they will at some point miss you. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to get on their hands and knees and beg for you back. For some the “missing emotion” can be fleeting. For others, all consuming. In all though, yes, there’s a high likelihood that the dumper will miss the ex at some point. Is There Ever A Scenario Where A Dumper Won’t Miss An Ex? This is where things can get a bit complicated because the answer to this is yes as well. A few weeks ago I conducted an interview with one of the Ex Recovery Coaches, Dr. Tyler Ramsey and we were talking about the major stages an avoidant will go through after a breakup. He said something incredibly insightful. He essentially argued that as long as the dumper isn’t overcome with their anxious side that if they give a fearful avoidant enough space that they will likely be hit with these bouts of nostalgia. If you aren’t familiar with the concept of avoidant nostalgia I highly recommend you read this article and watch this video, In a nutshell the video argues that all avoidants are overcome with nostalgia when they feel like their ex partner has moved on from them. Only then do they feel safe enough to “miss them.” Of course, what if the dumpee never gives the dumper that kind of space? What if the dumpee is caught up trying to “fix” the relationship to the point that they become overbearing for the dumper? In that case then the dumper will be brought back to the trauma of the breakup and ultimately want to avoid you. So, weirdly YOU can be responsible for your ex not missing you after a breakup if you can’t obtain emotional control. Crazy, right? But there’s one other bit of complication that I feel is important to bring to the forefront and that’s looking at gender differences in how breakups are handled. Understand The Different Ways That Men And Women Handle Breakups I only bring this up because over 90% of our clients are female and for many of them there’s a disconnect for them when it comes to understanding what is going on in their ex boyfriends mind. Now, you may be a male reading this and that’s fine. Still, I’d encourage you to listen intently because it’ll help inform you on the major misconception most people have about breakups. Ok, so our head coach, Anna Gonowon, wrote this really amazing post on our facebook group essentially analyzing how men and women handled breakups. The general stereotypes are what you would expect. Women “are all broken up about it.” Men seem to be ok. BUT what does the research say? Well, weirdly they kind of back this up. According to Coach Anna, Men feel bummed, though, and they express it too. In that same study men reported more feelings of anger and they tend to engage in more self destructive behaviors than women. Women in comparison, frequently feel more depressed and participate in more social, affiliative behaviors than men. Women’s behaviors could be argued to be more constructive strategies as a result of their tendency to preserve the relationship whereas men choose destructive strategies for maintaining their own self esteem. But here’s the thing. There’s more to it than meets the eye. Once again, quoting Anna, So maybe the real story should go something like this: Boy and girl meet. Boy tells girl he loves her. There is no one else but her. But then, at some point, boy says, “It’s not you, it’s me. Let’s be friends.” The boy changes his Facebook status to “single” and fills his Instagram feed with photos of himself partying with never-before-seen women. The girl, meanwhile, falls apart and tells her friends how unfair it is that he’s already over the relationship, while she’s busy analyzing every minuscule thing that she might have done wrong, for months, maybe even years. But the boy falls apart, too—he just doesn’t show or tell anyone. It sucks for both boy and girl, just in different ways. And it probably sucks even more for him, but he’ll never tell you, because he’s not allowed to. So, what does any of this have to do with a dumper missing you? Well, assuming your dumper is a male it’s entirely possible that there’s an internal battle going on that you aren’t even aware of because they’ve become so adept at covering it up. You read their silence as if they aren’t broken up about the breakup at all when the inferno inside them is consuming them. And I think it’s all rooted in attachment styles. Understanding The Avoidant Self Fulfilling Cycle I know I say this in pretty much every article I write now-a-days but that’s only because it’s so relevant to most of our clients. Statistically most of our clients are going through breakups with exes that are avoidants. What does this mean? Well, I’ll just refer you to the definition from my favorite attachment website in the world, Free To Attach, People with avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. Generally speaking they emotionally distance themselves from their partners when they feel as if they’re losing their independence. And that harkens back to something our very own Dr. Ramsey calls the core wound. According to him every attachment style has a core wound. Those with an avoidant style usually have a core wound that revolves around a loss of independence. They’re afraid to commit because they feel like they’ll lose their independence in a relationship. We can spend all day talking about trigger points and things of that nature but I’d like to cut directly to the heart of the matter. What does the avoidant attachment style have to do with missing a dumpee? Well, believe it or not but understanding the stages an avoidant will go through throughout a relationship cycle can help you understand around when they’ll miss you. And for that we need to once again turn to a personal concept I came up I like to call the avoidant self fulfilling cycle. Going In Depth On The Avoidant Self Fulfilling Cycle Take a look at this graphic. This is what I like to the avoidant self fulfilling cycle and before you ask me questions about if it applies to “all avoidants” I’m going to say that it doesn’t. Nothing “cookie cutter” can ever encompass everything perfectly but as a general rule I have seen this play out time and time again across avoidant attachment styles as a whole. Yes, that means if your ex is a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant they can go through these stages. Because ultimately the crux of the concept of the avoidant self fulfilling cycle is that the avoidant is caught in this cycle going from relationship to relationship. More on that in a moment. For now let me just familiarize you with the basic stages of which there are eight. They start out wanting someone to love them They date you and things are great at first Eventually your need for open communication and intimacy triggers their avoidant side They begin to consider leaving the relationship They actually leave the relationship They are ecstatic that they left the relationship They begin to feel lonely and need to find a distraction for the loss They enter victim mentality and wonder why this is always happening to them Now, what I find fascinating about the cycle is that it’s powered based on an aspect of nostalgia and desire if you really think about it. You have the avoidant starting in a place of desperation. They’ll often think, “Why can’t I find the right person for me?” “Why can’t I feel the same way I did with that one person I was with” And they’re constantly searching for a way to recreate that feeling. In an odd way they have a lot in common with drug addicts looking for their next fix. But they naturally self sabotage when they get into a relationship after they’ve gotten their fix and perhaps the most strange part of the phenomenon is they aren’t aware they are doing this to themselves. And so often with Avoidants you’ll find they have quite a history of past partners. Jumping from one relationship to the next. Yearning for an impossible partner. So, it seems pretty gloomy, right? Well, not really when it comes to pinpointing when the dumper will start missing the dumpee. The truth is that usually around stage seven of the self fulfilling process is when they are most likely to experience feelings of nostalgia. The disconnect for many of our clients occurs because when they come to us their exes are sitting promptly in the middle of stage six. It seems like the dumper is over the moon about dumping you and so my job (as well as the coaches of this program) is to educate you on what the post breakup period really looks like. And part of that is managing expectations when it comes to time frames. Creating A Realistic Time Frame Of When You Can Expect The Dumper To Miss You I think I was doing a Facebook Live in our private facebook group with Coach Anna a long time ago and we started bantering back and forth about attachment styles when she said something that stuck with me to this day. Your perception of time during the no contact rule can change based on your attachment style. And while we aren’t really talking about the no contact rule in this article I feel like there’s enough of connection to bring it up. Lately if you’ve watched any of my more recent YouTube videos I’ve been talking about this concept of time dilation based on attachment styles. I use the 30 day no contact rule to really put it in perspective for a lot of people. Anxious Individuals: 30 Days Feels Like 60 Days (or something to that effect) Avoidant Individuals: 30 Days Feels Like 15 Days Secure Individuals: 30 Days Feels Like 30 Days Now, I bring this up for a few reasons. Firstly, that vast majority of our clients are the dumpees. Second, most of our clients exes, who are the dumpers, tend to be avoidant. Thus, it’s important to understand that on average it’s going to take longer than you probably think before the dumper is hit with that nostalgia that can make them miss you. But what’s a realistic time frame. A Realistic Timeframe Based On What We’ve Seen In Our Coaching Practice It goes without saying that really we’re focusing on this area of the cycle, So, in 2021 I posted a study I did on how long it took our average client to get an ex back (since that’s what they hired us for.) I took 9 random success stories and simply looked at how long it took them to get back into a relationship with their ex. Here they were, Jessy (2 Months) Kelly (3 months) Mary (2 months) Sarah Michelle (3 months) Sarah Michelle Again (2 Months) Sophia (5 months) Jean (5 months) Aaron (2 months) Kris ( 7 months) That averages together at 3.4 months. Oh, and I believe that’s when they started working with us. So, if they were trying to get their ex back for ten months before they came into our orbit I didn’t count that in the data. So, I think this creates a great baseline for when you can expect an ex to “miss you.” Of course, the question gets kind of tricky because many avoidant exes above probably began missing the dumpee before they actually admitted it out loud. But something tells me you are far more interested in a verbal acknowledgement of “missing.” If that’s the case I think using our baseline gives you a great indicator on when you can expect a dumper to start missing you. However, there is one factor that can ruin your chances. As stated above, if you don’t leave that avoidant ex alone they might never enter the nostalgia phase. It’s so hard for many of our anxious clients to do this because naturally they want to fix their relationship as soon as possible. But this is one scenario where patience really is a virtue.The post When Does The Dumper Start Missing The Dumpee? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Full show notes at the publisher

**How To Know If Your Ex Is Confused** Apr 05, 2022
Show notes

Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to know if your ex is confused.

And I brought in our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help us with this.

According to him, the very best way to determine if your ex is confused is to take a long look at the actions versus words approach.

In other words,

Always pay attention to what your ex is doing as far as their actions are concerned because you’ll learn a lot about a person based on how they act as opposed to what they say.

Of course there’s layers to this and so the rest of this article is going to be dedicated to answering one singular question. How do you interpreted your exes mixed signals towards you? Are they confused?

Well, let’s find out.

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Understanding Your Exes Mixed Signals

For the average person what does mixed signals post breakup look like?

According to Dr. Ramsey,

Generally what you’re going to see is hot and cold patterns where one day your ex is texting you very frequently and then the next they’re falling off the map.

But what’s really going on here?

Well, I think to answer that we need to take a hard look at the many different types of “mixed signals” that exes will exhibit when they are confused.

Confused Mixed Signal #1: I Want To Sleep With You But Won’t Commit

Unfortunately, this is a really common mixed signal we see throughout our coaching practice.

So, how does this work?

Essentially your ex is willing to sleep with you but they’re not willing to commit to you. Which is just kind of showing that they still want that connection with you but they’re not sure if they want to fully commit because that takes on an additional amount of vulnerability and accountability which adds pressure on them

Personally what I’ve always found interesting about the Friends with Benefits type situation is the inherent contradiction of of it, you know, you have this relationship with someone and then that person breaks up with you.

That’s them saying,

I’m not interested in you at all. But the Friends with Benefits aspect kind of indicates they are interested.

If you follow my actions vs words credo above then technically speaking it would seem as if your ex is unbelievably interested in you, right?

They still want to sleep with you at all so that has to count for something, right?

Psychologically What’s Going On Here?

Again, I’m going to turn to our very own Dr. Ramsey to answer this one.

Yeah, I think I think a lot of it is the fact that in this situation they are dealing with feelings, and they’re not sure exactly what to do with those feelings. My assessment would be that it’s a little bit too painful for them to cut you completely out of their life. Additionally, they’re probably not sure if they’re ready to take on a full commitment again so a lot of the times you see friends with benefits in a more avoidant person, just because the additional vulnerability that you need in order to make your time together into a full relationship is hard.

Ultimately what the good doctor is saying is that they still want to hold on to a small piece of your time together without fully committing.

In fact, Dr. Ramsey and I did an interview a few weeks ago where we talked about this idea of an addiction and how sometimes when you go through a breakup you get addicted to looking at peoples social media behaviors and he brought up this really interesting scientific fact about the nucleus accumbens which is a specific part of the brain.

In fact, even Coach Anna talked about this concept in her latest article.

According to her,

Physically, there are three areas of the brain involved in heartbreak, and those areas are:

Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA), which makes dopamine, the neurochemical that acts on the reward/pleasure parts of the brain

Nucleus Accumbens (nAcc), which is the reward pathway

Ventral Palladium (VP), which is associated with feelings of attachment to a partner that builds over time

But what’s super interesting about the Nucleus Accumbens is the fact that when it isn’t being used it can literally shrink.

Picking back up on another quote from Dr. Ramsey,

What I tell people often is that the brain is like a need heating machine. It will get its needs met regardless and that addiction part of it is actually something that contributes to it, and when it doesn’t, then it will go find it. A lot of the times, that’s a really quick fix. And so that’s why you typically see people entering into this friends with benefits situation. That’s why I tell a lot of my clients that if you’re in this situation you really have to set boundaries within it, because your ex is almost always going to keep you in this limbo, because it is a quick fix. And if you’re if you’re essentially agreeing to it, then you’re essentially saying you’re okay with being treated in the friendzone

Let’s talk about the next confusion sign.

Confused Mixed Signal #2: Future Pacing

So, what is future pacing?

Again, and I know this seems like a common theme but that’s because both Dr. Ramsey and I partnered on this article I’m going to turn the floor over to him.

Future pacing occurs when your ex makes comments about the future but never actually acts on those comments.

Some of the most common examples are them saying,

Oh, when we move in together Oh, when we buy this house together Oh, when we go to this place together

Ultimately future pacing is a good indication that your ex is confused.

One of the interesting things I’ve noticed from when I first started studying attachment styles is that a phoneme on I’ve noticed in studies is that avoidants often fall victim to these small bouts of nostalgia.

And this is often why exes can reach out to you from out of nowhere.

Maybe this is kind of like falling victim to that on a smaller level with future pacing.

Confused Mixed Signal #3: They Say They Are Happy Without You (But They Act Depressed On Social Media)

So, what does this actually look like?

Well, often it’s those things they say during the actual breakup that stick with you the longest.

“I’m better without you.”

“I never loved you anyways.”

“You meant nothing to me.”

Painful, right?

But the odd part is that on social media a different narrative is occurring.

Sure, they might feel like they’re happy without you but then they get depressed on social media posting all those sappy things that you see on their story on how they’re not doing well.

Or they need someone in their life to fill a void, those kinds of things.

Here’s an excerpt taken directly from an interview with Dr. Ramsey that I think sums this up perfectly,

And I think a lot of people are very aware when those things do occur. And so that’s, that’s a really good indication of showing actions and words, because they’re telling you one thing and doing another, and a lot of people will tell you, and I think that goes across all attachment styles is that, you know, I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m fine. And then I’m not really, because admitting some kind of weakness, or they’re trying to convince themselves that they are, but they’re not.

I mean, how often have we been in relationships with a partner and there’s this inherent sense that something is off you can tell it in your gut.

Ultimately this sign is kind of like the extreme version of that idea. And the fact that these people are they’re putting on the front and the opposite way. They’re saying, like, Hey, I’m fine. Without you. I don’t need you. But that’s not the case, you know, the actions are taking, you’re indicating they’re kind of depressed after a breakup.

Which leads us to our next sign.

Confused Mixed Signal #4: You’re More Than A Friend… But I’m Not Ready For A Relationship

I know I’ve used this reference before but I’m going to do it again because I think it’s perfect for explaining this mixed signal.

There’s this whole How I Met Your Mother skit on that idea of keeping someone you like on a hook.

The classic, “I’m not ready for a relationship… Right now…”

Insinuating that there;’s still a chance.

Of course, there’s tons of variations of this. Another classic is, “Maybe in the future?”

Ultimately my take on it is maybe a little unique because personally I feel like if I’m putting myself in this position and I’ll preface this by saying that I have definitely been on both the receiving end and the giving end of this excuse.

I feel like every time I’ve ever said that it was more to spare the other person’s feelings which I realize is a backwards thought because all it does is give them false hope when there’s no potential hope.

But the common theme that seems to be developing is that really what we’re trying to get you to see is the words aren’t as important as actions actions.

Jordan Peterson gives this really great lecture on something Carl Jung said,

If you can’t figure out what someone is doing or why, look at the outcome and infer the motivation.

Of course, this is just a really fancy way of saying that actions matter more than words when trying to understand the psychology of a human.
The post How To Know If Your Ex Is Confused first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

**Do Dumpers Stalk Their Exes?** Mar 29, 2022
Show notes

Today we’re going to take a hard look at dumpers and answer if you can expect them to stalk you on social media.

And I brought on our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help. (Yep, just a few days ago Dr. Tyler literally became certified.)

Ultimately, we are of the belief that in most cases dumpers do “stalk” their exes on social media. In fact, there are multiple ways in which they do that.

And that’s what this article is really going to be about.

We’re going to dive into the science of why we believe most dumpers will social media stalk you

We’re going to take a hard look at the ways in which they do that

We’re going to talk about the pogo sticking effect in depth

And really look at if it’s healthy for you to even be spending time worrying about what the dumper is doing post breakup.

Let’s get started.

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The Science Of A Dumper Stalking You

This entire article is comprised of the notes from an interview I did with Dr. Ramsey, one of our ex recovery coaches.

(You can see that podcast episode above by simply clicking the play button. Additionally, it’s why Dr. Ramsey gets credit for writing this article .)

In the interview he provided some incredible insights that I’m going to get to in a moment.

But usually my “go to” research that I point people towards when they ask me if I think their ex is stalking them is this article from the huffington post,

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/nearly-90-percent-of-people-creep-facebook_n_1687424

While it’s a bit dated (the study was done in 2012) I have found it to be incredibly relevant today. Essentially it argues that close to 90% of exes will “facebook creep” you after a breakup.

So, statistically speaking there is a high likelihood your ex is going to be stalking you on social media.

Additionally Dr. Tyler brought up some really fascinating studies on why exes can get caught up in this addictive behavior after a breakup.

The Nucleus Accumbins And Its Importance To Addictive Stalking On Social Media

(Photo Credit: https://www.simplypsychology.org/nucleus-accumbens.html)

This concept taken from Dr. Ramsey so I claim no credit for it.

There’s this really small place in your brain called the nucleus accumbins. It’s best to think of it as the dopamine receptor that creates this feeling of euphoria.

Essentially any time you think, “Oh wow, this is great. This feels amazing.”

That’s the nucleus accumbins firing. So, during the honeymoon period with your ex that sucker is firing on all cylinders.

Suddenly a breakup occurs and it turns off. When that happens the nucleus accumbins can literally shrink due to the sense of loss.

So, engaging in behaviors such as “facebook stalking” or “instagram story spying” is essentially a dumpers way of trying to re-engage that nucleus accumbins or at least falling victim to it.

All of this is to say that scientifically and statistically the odds are definitely in your favor that a dumper is going to be “stalking you” on social media.

What Are The Dumpers Preferred Methods Of Stalking On Social Media?

That’s a really great question.

Generally the behavior falls into three distinct categories.

We’ve seen them use friends

We’ve seen them create fake accounts

We’ve seen them do it in silence (and heard about it upon recovery.)

Honestly nothing too revolutionary. Where things get tricky is how our clients often react to the stalking.

Many of our clients need affirmation to determine if dumpers are stalking them.

They need to see their ex watching their instagram story. They need to see their ex unblocking them.

The truth is many times you aren’t able to tell if they are stalking you because they tend to be secretive about it.

And so that’s where an addiction of our clients own making can begin but more on that in a second.

I’d actually like to talk about some controversial.

What Are Our Thoughts On A Dumper Stalking Their Ex If They’ve Blocked Our Clients?

So, this is where things get really complicated. Most people generally assume that an ex who has blocked them doesn’t want anything to do with them.

However, that’s generally not what we’ve found across the board. In fact, Dr. Ramsey really hammers home this point that when he coaches clients his top client fear is,

“Are they done with me?”

Well, the way to look at blocking specifically is that it’s an emotional reaction.

We know that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

A dumper who was truly over you wouldn’t block you. I mean, they definitely could but they wouldn’t engage in something I lovingly refer to “the pogo sticking effect.”

What Is The Pogo Sticking Effect?

Ok, let’s pretend that I’ve blocked you on Facebook. I want nothing to do with you. You can rot in h*ll for all I care.

(I’m playing the role of an ex boyfriend who is really rude. I need to get in character . )

A few days go by and naturally I get curious as to what you are up to so I quickly unblock you to check out your profile. Once I am satisfied I go back to blocking you.

I do this four or five more times over the coming weeks.

This is the pogo sticking effect. Essentially it’s where an ex blocks you and then unblocks you. Back and forth. Time and time again.

And I think it’s really important for us to take a look at some of the top reasons for why people block after a breakup.

Sometimes they want to send a statement: “I’m going to hurt you because you hurt me”

Sometimes it’s too painful to watch you from afar

Sometimes it’s an effort to kick the addiction of spying on you too much.

Your Reaction To The Breakup Creates An Interesting Control Vortex

One of the most interesting things that Dr. Ramsey brought up in his interview was the following excerpt,

“Sometimes if you act like the breakup wasn’t a big deal and you basically accept the breakup they (the dumper) starts to feel like they are losing a bit of that control and it can almost make them question their decision to break up with you. “

This can actually play in to that pogo sticking affect as well and the stalking concept in general.

But this leads me to the final point I’d like to make about dumpers and stalking.

Is It Healthy To Even Care about A Dumper Stalking You?

I don’t think so.

When you “stalk” or “Facebook creep” it can become habitual and it no longer becomes about feeding into your anxiety. It’s often because of a habit.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say that every morning at eight you get up and drink your cup of coffee. While you are doing that you go into social media mode and the first profile you look at is your exes.

At first it’s purely led by your anxiety post breakup but as time continues to march on it becomes less about that and ingrained as a habit.

You get up, you drink your cup of coffee every day at eight in the morning. You check on your exes profile. That’s just the way it’s going to be.

Obviously we don’t want our clients overly focused on their exes post breakup. We want them focused on themselves and improving their lives.

It’s cliche I know but sometimes cliche works.

So, the question now becomes how do you break the habit?

How To Break The Unhealthy Habit Of You Social Media Stalking Your Ex?

Most people tend to recognize that they are doing this and they want to break the unhealthy habit but most people fail.

Why?

Well, they treat it kind of like a New Years resolution. I mean, we’ve all been there. We set a goal. We go from 0-100 to achieve that goal and ultimately we lose focus and fail that goal.

Dr. Ramsey makes the case to not go 0 to 100. Instead, do it in increments. If you are looking at your exes profile ten times a day back it down to nine the next day and so on and so forth.

Break the habit in a small way. Try not to do it all at once and you’ll find your life is a bit easier.
The post Do Dumpers Stalk Their Exes? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

**How To Tell A Guy You Like Him** Mar 20, 2022
Show notes

Today we’re going to talk about the best way to tell a guy that you like him without getting rejected.

The trap most women fall into when they want to tell a guy they like him is they play too hard to get.

Here’s how it typically goes,

So, there is a decision to be made:

Do something about it (Play hard to get)

Don’t do something about it (Take action)

Let’s look at those individuals who don’t take action.

This Is What Happens If You Don’t Take Action

If you don’t take action on telling a guy you like him expect the following things to happen,

You’ll keep your feelings to yourself and pine away forever in secret. Similar to how Snape pined away in secret forever for Lily Potter.

Move on. This is straightforward. You say nothing, and, even if your family and friends know, you make them promise to never say anything about your former love. You ultimately find someone that you can love or communicate your love to, and you build a life partnership with that person.

Now, I don’t know about you but something tells me these scenarios don’t seem very attractive for you.

Which leaves you with one option.

This Is What Can Happen If You Take Action

In a dream world, you could approach your crush, declare your love for them, and receive an honest appraisal of their feelings in return.

But, unfortunately, things are never that simple in real life. So, what does this leave you with? Simply put you can do something about it.

You can take actions on your own, enlist the help of others, or do both. Communicating that you do like someone can be done in one of three ways:

Direct: is that you communicate your attraction directly to your crush

Indirect: is that you incorporate others and/or signaling into communicating attraction to your crush.

Combination: Mixing the best of both words from direct and indirect.

But before we really dive in on these three essential tenets we need to talk about timing.

The Importance Of Timing When It Comes To Sharing Your Feelings With A Guy

Regardless of what action you decide to take, you have to make decisions regarding timing.

Timing plays a significant role in communicating whether you like someone.

What we see often in popular culture, especially in the United States, Canada, and parts of Western Europe and Russia, is the idea of just telling someone immediately or fairly immediately and directly that you like them. Even when preparing for this discussion, I immediately thought,

*“Duh, just tell the person you like him, her, or them. What do you mean how?”*

Then, I realized that I have never told someone that I liked him shortly after I realized that I was attracted to them.

So, that straightforward answer isn’t the answer that works in real life.

That’s where timing comes in: it’s better to lay a foundation for attraction first.

Whether you communicate attraction directly, ask your friends to smooth the path or get involved somehow, or do both, you should put some time into laying the groundwork.

How much time passes between you realizing that you like someone and, ultimately, making the person aware that you like him, her, or them?

Do you just go for it?

Do you enlist help from others?

Do you enlist help from others and also do something yourself?

What’s the timing of all the actions that you want to take?

The Correct Direct Approach To Telling A Guy You Like Him

Research at different business schools say that a person is more likely to say yes to something if you have experiences in which they first say yes, feel understood, and feel excited and interesting.

Technically this is an extension of the Benjamin Franklin Effect.

Benjamin Franklin Effect: Contrary to popular belief doing a favor for someone makes you more like to do another favor for you as opposed to the other way around.

Depending on how your crush interacts with you, you can determine whether your crush reciprocates your feelings.

How To Know If Your Crush Reciprocates Your Feelings

**1. Maintaining eye contact.**

According to a study by Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin, couples who are really in love look at each other while they were talking 75 percent of the time, so try to resist the urge to nervously look away.

It’s a good sign if: your crush looks at you while talking and has open body language when you speak.

It’s not a good sign if: your crush does not look at you while you are talking, does not say much, and has closed body language.

**2. Be interested in who they are as a person and listen to everything they say.**

It’s a good sign if: your crush shows similar interest in you and what you have to say.

It’s not a good sign if: your crush does not seem interested in what you have to say or does not show excitement in your interests.

According to studies by the University of Nevada and the University of Washington, being a good listener is a huge part of having someone fall in love with you. People love it when other people take an interest in them and don’t immediately change the conversation so they can talk about themselves right away. Ask follow-up questions and respond warmly to what the other person is saying.

**3. Notice what hobbies and interests they have.**

Science tells us that people tend to fall in love with those who are very similar to themselves.

Studies have linked similar backgrounds and similar levels of physical attractiveness to the process of falling in love. It’s a terrible idea to try to change yourself in order to have more in common with or please somebody else.

However, if your crush has a hobby that you have had an interest in, it’s time to drive into that hobby, too.

For example, if you share a class or lab with them, look over at what they’re doing and say, “Hmmm, that looks pretty good.” This (then point) looks especially interesting. “What’s that about?”

**4. Make them feel appreciated and special.**

48 percent of couples have said they don’t feel appreciated by their partner, so if you can make your crush feel like you appreciate everything they do and everything they are, they’re more likely to fall for you.

Building off of our class or lab example above, you could then say, “Hey, look at what I’m doing here. What do you think of it?” Then listen to what they have to say and respond with, “That’s insightful. I hadn’t thought of that, so thank you for pointing that out.”

**5. Flirt The Correct Way**

It’s a good sign if: your crush flirts in return.

It’s not a good sign if: your crush remains silent and does not flirt at all or rarely flirts.

• Smile a lot. Body language studies say that smiling makes you look more attractive, more engaging, and it makes you look like a winner, all of which increase how hot and confident you look to someone who you’re hoping will become your person.

• Touch them more often. If your crush is male, touching your crush often increases a sense of comfort and intimacy with them. So little arm touches when your crush is around are actually working in your favor in a big way. Now, if your crush identifies as female, you have to avoid non-consensual touching.

**6. Embrace what the other person is most passionate about.**

When someone talks about something they’re really passionate about, they’re often sharing a part of themselves that’s vulnerable, so if you can appreciate that thing they love, they’re likely to be crazy about you in return.

Again building off the class/lab example above, let’s say that you overhear your crush mention to friends that he or she loves movies and movie marathons. Then, you notice that your crush is wearing a movie t-shirt. You could then say, “That’s my favorite movie! What do you like about it?” At the end of class, you could say, “I gotta get home, but I’m looking forward to seeing if your next movie t-shirt is of my second favorite movie.”

**7. Bond over an adrenaline rush**

There’s a connection between adrenaline rushes and sexual attraction. Test subjects were put in a scary situation (a shaky bridge), and then had to rate their feelings toward other participants. Compared to the control group who were on a safe, non-rickety bridge, the people who thought their lives were in danger were much more attracted to their fellow test subject. Roller-coaster date might be a perfect (and much safer) choice.

**8. Play hard to get and utilize the Zeignarik Effect**

It’s a good sign if: your crush tries to finish the conversation the same day or the next day.

It’s not a good sign if: your crush does not follow-up or remember the topic of discussion.

According to the “scarcity principle” invented by psychologist and author Robert Cialdini, objects that are rare, unique, or limited in time will make people desire them more. In one study of college students, four women were shown pictures of men they were told either liked them “a lot,” “an average amount,” or who “were uncertain of their feelings,” and then we’re asked to rate how attractive they found each photo. If you guessed that they found the “uncertain of their feelings” guys the most attractive, you’d be correct.

The Indirect Way Of Telling A Guy You Like Him

Much of this is straight out of an MBA program and any reading that any lawyer, sales, marketing, communications, or organizational executive would do.

People who are good at influencing others find ways to gather people together and get them to buy into a common goal (e.g., celebrate a birthday), initiative (e.g., watch all Marvel movies in chronological order), or solve some problem (e.g., we haven’t gathered in one place since the pandemic began).

They also find natural ways to be front and center from time to time; hence, perhaps you’re organizing parties or get togethers.

Become friends with your crush’s Sphere of Influence

Maintain good relationships with people within Sphere of Influence by checking in, showing you genuinely care about each person

In a 70/30 fashion (you are listening 70% of the time, talking 30% of the time) Listen to Sphere of Influence and ask questions that are simply about the Sphere of Influence

When you speak, address what the Sphere of Influence said and weave into the conversation your qualities and interests that you share with your crush

Become actively involved in group activities of Sphere of Influence

Work your social media

Make it clear that you’re single and looking to date a person who has certain characteristics – be sure to list the outstanding positive characteristics of your crush When you’re evaluating Sphere of Influence, ask yourself some questions:

How much outside support (ie, Sphere of Influence) do I need?

Who are the people, what are the organizations, and what are the interests that matter most to my crush?

Why do I need this person’s support or persons’ support? Why are these organizations important to my crush? What are my crush’s top interests?

What are the similarities between me and my crush?

What does my crush appear to find most attractive in terms of interests, activities, and values?

No matter what happens, how am I making sure that I continue to feel good and strong about myself?

And Finally The Combination Approach

You will have your highest chances of your crush reciprocating your feelings if you have a good handle on Sphere of Influence and are effectively interacting with your crush directly.

But what would this actually look like?

In an interview I did with Chris he tells the story of how he tried to tell a crush that he liked her.

He created a study group for the sole purpose of flirting with this girl inviting other people along to make her feel more comfortable. This would be classified as an indirect method.

Of course, during the study group he tried some very light flirting with her. This would be our direct method.

Think of the combination factor as combining the best aspects of both direct and indirect approaches.
The post How To Tell A Guy You Like Him first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Success Story: How One Woman Became The Ultimate Ungettable Girl After Her Breakup Mar 03, 2022

Show notes

Without a doubt my interview with Lee is among the best I’ve ever conducted and it seems many people on my YouTube channel agree, So, why is her interview resonating with people so much? Simply put, I think she adopted the mentality of the ungettable girl and STILL lives her life like it to this day. So much so that she got her ex back but decided he wasn’t good enough for her anymore. She’s unapologetic about that fact. Often my clients will hear me talk about how they need to have confidence after a breakup. THIS WOMAN EXUDES IT. Make her your spirit animal. How Lee Got Her Ex Back And Decided He Wasn’t Good Enough For Her Chris Seiter 0:00Hey, I’m ready. Alright, so today we’re talking to another one of our success stories. This is Lee, who is basically become the ultimate ungettable girl. She was telling me a little bit about her situation before we got started recording and the importance of specifically why you need to kind of get yourself out there date other men. And so not only did he not only get her ex back, but she chose to reject her ex after she was like, I’m not really sure he’s up to up to par anymore, and now she’s dating someone who is great. Is that, is that a fair thing to say? Lee 0:36Yes, he’s, he’s proving himself, um, we definitely I, I implemented a new rule where when I start dating someone, I’m going to give them a 90 day trial, like Chris Seiter 0:49so it’s like, it’s like a money back guarantee type situation. Lee 0:54You if you really want something to be real and authentic, do you have to work for it, and you don’t want something immediately you want to, you know, you want to work toward something, and you don’t want to have your whole entire being within a month or two months, because things come out of the closet. Like, you know what I mean? Like, so you have to be careful. And as you get older, like, you know, I’m in my 30s Like, I’m not gonna just bring some Joe to my mom and be like, hey, you know, like, I want it worth it. And I want it to be real, you know? Chris Seiter 1:22Well, no, I think yeah, I think I think you bring up a really interesting point here. And we’ll get into the breakup stuff. Don’t worry, anyone listening. But I think this is an interesting point. One thing I’ve noticed there’s like these certain tipping points that set set men off specifically, like you mentioned, like, things come out of the closet as an example, Well, son, sometimes the more serious you get, that’s when the more crazy stuff that comes out of the closet, like you’re feel a little bit more comfortable to let that seven. So I think that I think the 90 day trial is is a pretty smart approach. Lee 1:54All important, and they respect you so much more. Like that’s the one thing I’ll say. And it’s it’s it works. It really works. It does in my mind. Chris Seiter 2:06I mean, you’re living it essentially. So before before we get to the to the happy roses at the end of the rainbow. Let’s go to the dark ring clouds for analogy there. But yeah, take us back to the beginning of like, when things went wrong, what the relationship was like with your ex. Lee 2:23So me and my ex like had the relationship everybody was like jealous of we both were like everyone called us Barbie and Ken We never fought like, you know, I got along so well with my his parents and vice versa. And it was interesting. It was like back back in the end of the spring. And we were actually about to go to a wedding the next weekend. We had started moving my stuff into his house like literally because that he was supposed to meet my nephew for the first time. And it was my first time meeting him as well. Because with COVID and everything they were living in Nashville. So it was like a couple double Whammies we were going up to see his his family that said like the following weekend, everything and like we were so excited. We had a great weekend. And literally it was like a Sunday morning. We were about to leave for the beach. Like I’m not kidding. We were about to like all our stuff was packed, our backpacks were on everything. And he’s like, we need to talk. And I was like, like, it’s really nice out, should we go outside bars? Like, do we do this at the beach? He’s like, No, we need to talk. And like, I sat down and I immediately knew like, I never like, I didn’t think it was coming. But once you see that look on the face, you’re like, I’m about to have a rug taken out from under my feet, you know? And I was I immediately said it to him. I was like, are we breaking up? And he’s like, I just he couldn’t even finish the sentence. He couldn’t complete a sentence. He couldn’t give me a rational reason. It was literally the conversation was maybe 20 words on his side. And he’s like, I’m gonna leave but you can pack your stuff. Like literally, that was the only thing that came out of his mouth. So I literally was like, You’re not leaving, like you’re gonna watch me do this. And then I quickly ran upstairs called one of my guy friends and he’s like, You don’t owe him anything. Take what you need and leave. Okay, and so legitimately, you know, I hear the door close. He leaves. I’m there with our dog. And I’m like bomb taking the dog. And it was literally a 20 minute like, everything flipped. And I took when I needed and I just left and I remember I went home. I called my sister and she was like really serious like, were they the baby and her were like three days from coming out. She’s like what, like we have a wedding to go to his name was on the invitation and everything And I was like, I don’t know. So I literally remember, I picked up a girlfriend. And we literally went out to brunch. Like, we went out to brunch, she posted a picture of me on social media out to brunch, like, literally to the point where keep in mind when my ex was breaking up with me, I just kept nodding. And I was like, okay, whatever you say, I’m not gonna fight for this. I’m not gonna have to prove myself if you don’t think I’m the person for you. That’s it. Okay. Like, okay, that’s it. And so then after that, I literally just remember sleeping for like, 24 hours straight. And then I woke up in the morning, and it was like a nightmare. Like it. It’s so weird when someone just pulls themselves from your life and you don’t see your phone ringing when usually, you have your patterns, your routines, and I just was like, numb. And I knew because I’ve been watching you for years, like just to keep my mouth shut. Because acting on impulse. From the minute you break up with somebody is going to shape your entire outcome, and I can’t really, huh, Chris Seiter 5:59so So have you already been kind of familiar with with no contact and stuff like that before this relationship? Lee 6:07Every time? I had good time. Okay, forehand. Chris Seiter 6:12Like you were already kind of part of the program by for this guy. Lee 6:20But I had been watching your YouTube videos for years, like okay, yeah. Chris Seiter 6:25So it was the long it was the long game to get you into a customer. Essentially, it’s against Lee 6:31Yeah. Well, the guy wasn’t worth it in my mind to like, and this one I was like, I’m just like, gotcha. And so literally, I, you know, kept my mouth shut. And I was like, my stuff’s still there. I know, I need it, but I’m not going to contact him yet. So I think like 48 hours had gone by, and I’m driving home from work, and an email pops up at like, 930 at night. And basically, it’s from him. He couldn’t even call to pick up the phone. It was like he was a coward who I was like, wow. And it’s basically the same thing that I see on all of the reasons why men break up with women. It’s like, oh, I can’t give you what you give me. You’re so great. You’re a great person, bla bla, bla, bla bla, what I’ve learned is those are empty excuses to get out. So they don’t feel bad about themselves. Like that’s the one thing you have to remember, if you look for a pattern or a trend or Google, like he said, this, does that mean we’re gonna get back together? Oh, it’s men, when they’re breaking up with you, I’ve learned will say anything to get out of a situation, whether it’s positive or negative, they want you out. Like they have their mind up. You know, luckily, my axe was a little bit more sensitive and didn’t go that route. So then I looked at the email, and I literally forwarded it to my twin and I just laughed. I was like, What a coward. He doesn’t deserve a response. So then the next day, I’m like, Alright, I got to start getting some of my stuff back. So instead of responding to the email, I picked up the phone, and I said, You know what, I need to get my stuff. And he’s like, what? You said you you saw the email though, right? And I’m like, Yeah, I was like, but I need to get my stuff like that doesn’t warrant a response for me. Like nothing that you said, is salvaging us, I need to move forward, I’m coming to get my stuff. Well, you’re Chris Seiter 8:18playing this breakup really good. Like you’re really doing a solid job here. Because it’s like a value proposition. If you think about it, like the way you’re handling it. Screams value, like, Yeah, this is what a valuable woman would do. She’s like, Alright, fine, whatever, I can find, I can replace you not the other way Lee 8:37around. And it’s, and that we, as women have to remember, we need to bet on, like, if we’re getting dumped anybody that’s getting dumped, you have to bet on yourself. Like you have to bet on yourself, that when you are walking out the door, or they’re pushing you out the door, that you are the best they’re ever going to have you. And that and you know, Chris Seiter 8:55people don’t think that because their insecurities are so great, and they’re so anxious, it just sort of that’s what comes out. Lee 9:04It I get it. But if you take it from that approach, like I bet on myself, that I’m so good of a person no one else is there’s no other man in the world, that they’re going to feel a void. It’s going to come and whether it’s 30 days, 90 days a year, there’s going to be that point where they sit there and like Damn. You know, like, he never did this or this Chris Seiter 9:27is the exact attitude this year anyone listening, this is the attitude you need to want to be successful. Lee 9:34Wow. She sat with my mom on Sundays and knitted and she hates knitting. Those are the things that are going to like make you a better person. And I knew our relationship was such quality. It wasn’t toxic. We weren’t fighting. Like those situations. You shouldn’t get back with your ex if you’re fighting every other day. You know, there’s cheat, like come on. But this was actually something where I was like, Alright, I’m a little iffy. I’m really going to do this right and I was like, I bet on my myself, and everyone’s like, you’re really not going to talk to him like, No 30 days. So that’s when I bought the program. I was at the wedding and I was having Chris Seiter 10:08Okay, tire took a year to break it down. Yeah, finally, gotcha. Lee 10:13I driving up to the wedding. And I’m like, feeling anxious because I know his name is gonna be on everything. And I’m like, I’m downloading the program, I’m buying it. And I remember as I’m getting ready for the wedding, as I’m driving around, like, I had my air pods and and I’m just listening to chapter after chapter. And I’m like, Alright, this is empowerment. Like, this is empowerment, this is what I’m going to do. And so I went to the wedding, and I had a blast, I had a blast. I was meeting, you know, a single woman at a wedding is a diamond in the rough. Like, we have to remember that. So I up. And keep in mind that entire time it had been like a week since we broke off. I went radio silent on social media, like he had to, I made it to a point where he had to check an obituary to see if I was alive. My friends were not allowed to post me. I didn’t add anybody on it. There was no bread crumbing like I was out. And so of course, I go to the wedding. Have a great time. I look great. And what do you think I do? The day after it was, it was on a Saturday. So Sunday night, I was like, I’m gonna post this photo, and it’s this beautiful photo, I’m in the field. I’m laughing, I’m smiling. And I waited till seven o’clock at night, because I knew that’s when everyone’s home from the weekend checking things. And I hit hit post. And literally, like, the photo, like for my friends, like broke the internet. Everybody’s like cheering me on, everyone’s like, yeah, like, That’s it, go, boom. And then I went silent again, I went silent. And that’s when he started breaking. Because, you know, my friends and I would be out. They’d post something. And then they check their stories. And he’s immediately checking, like to see, like, if I’m living or breathing, and then I just, you know, kept with the program. But then the biggest thing was, I didn’t look back, I looked forward. And then what I did was, you know, I had goals with this man, I had a timeline with this man. And the first thing I did was reset my goals for myself, right, and I Unknown Speaker 12:22carry some of those goals. Lee 12:25So like, oh, sorry, alarms going off. And so Chris Seiter 12:30far, it’s tough for interview, we started a little bit early. Lee 12:35So some of the goals were like simple, like, you know, get a place of your own, I was going to be living with him. I wasn’t in an apartment I was happy with at the time. So I was at his place a majority of the time. So it was finding a quality home that I was proud of, you know what I mean? That was something out of, and then it was reassessing my career, I was really unhappy with my work schedule. And I was like, let me let me get it a little bit higher. Like, let me you know, let me take myself to the next level, let me challenge myself. And then it was like, I want to make X amount every single month, how am I going to do that? So you know, then it was like, be a better daughter, be a better friend reconnect apologize to your friends that you kind of put on the side when you’re making your relationship a priority. And those are the things I really invested in. And then I reassess my friends circle that I did have, and may do friends, you know. So I really tried to do a full transition. Because for me, I knew that was that was the only progressive way to make a change in my life to potentially never get this person back. If we stay stagnant. Who we are, and we don’t evolve, and we don’t see ourselves reaching new goals and new heights in our life. There’s no intrinsic motivation. So like, what I will say is challenge yourself, to make yourself uncomfortable and actually follow through with the program and do things like that Trinity. Actually do the Trinity for yourself, right? Don’t fit for that. Don’t do it for their friends to see. Do it for you. Because the outcome was like my outcome is now I have a better home, I make more money. I have an incredible job. And that’s all for me. Like that’s exactly. Chris Seiter 14:22So what’s interesting about the goal setting this is this is the question I want to ask you I’ve been thinking a lot about this from from like local goals to global goals. So if like you think of a local goal, that’s kind of like short term so like you mentioned the apartment. That’s a great example of a local goal because that’s something that you can theoretically find within the span of three to five months. But then there’s like bigger global goals and the global goals are kind of like getting married having kids things like that. Did you only just set like local goals or did you also set yourself global goals that would take years to get to Lee 14:54you know, I I’m like here I am like being a ball and being like I’m strong. I had this person Then like did it it it up, but I was still hurting a lot. And the wrongs I hear on the radio and stuff like that. So I did local goals, because realistically, teams were like shattered. Like, you know, I was…

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What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Anxious, Avoidants And Them Disappearing

The Nostalgia Principle

The Importance Of The Phantom Ex

The Meaning Formula

So, Why Do Exes Reach Out And Then Suddenly Disappear?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Figuring Out Your Overall Goal

What Do The Statistics Say About Ignoring/Blocking An Ex

Stats On Ignoring An Ex

The Ignoring Avoidant Statistics

Ignoring An Ex Takes Discipline

What The Statistics Say About Blocking An Ex

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Dissecting The Emotionally Unavailable Equation

Understanding The Root Cause Of An Emotionally Unavailable Dumpers Avoidant Persona

The Nostalgia Factor

But Do They Ever Come Back On Their Own Accord?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

What Is The Difference Between A Dismissive Avoidant And A Fearful Avoidant

Stage One: Avoiding All Things About The Other Person

Stage Two: The Feelings For You Begin To Surface

What Happens If You Don’t Give A Fearful Avoidant Space?

Stage Three: The Pendulum Swing

Stage Four: They Attempt To Move On

Stage Five: Nostalgia Loop

The Rebound Comparison Game

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Understanding Your Exes Mixed Signals

Confused Mixed Signal #1: I Want To Sleep With You But Won’t Commit

Psychologically What’s Going On Here?

Confused Mixed Signal #2: Future Pacing

Confused Mixed Signal #3: They Say They Are Happy Without You (But They Act Depressed On Social Media)

Confused Mixed Signal #4: You’re More Than A Friend… But I’m Not Ready For A Relationship

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

The Science Of A Dumper Stalking You

The Nucleus Accumbins And Its Importance To Addictive Stalking On Social Media

What Are The Dumpers Preferred Methods Of Stalking On Social Media?

What Are Our Thoughts On A Dumper Stalking Their Ex If They’ve Blocked Our Clients?

What Is The Pogo Sticking Effect?

Your Reaction To The Breakup Creates An Interesting Control Vortex

Is It Healthy To Even Care about A Dumper Stalking You?

How To Break The Unhealthy Habit Of You Social Media Stalking Your Ex?

This Is What Happens If You Don’t Take Action

This Is What Can Happen If You Take Action

The Importance Of Timing When It Comes To Sharing Your Feelings With A Guy

The Correct Direct Approach To Telling A Guy You Like Him

How To Know If Your Crush Reciprocates Your Feelings

The Indirect Way Of Telling A Guy You Like Him

And Finally The Combination Approach

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Understanding How Exes Will React To Accidentally Seeing You In Public

How Women Should React To Accidentally Seeing Their Ex In Person

How Men Should React To Accidentally Seeing Their Ex In Person

A Quick Recap Of The Basic Principles Of Accidentally Running Into Your Ex Regardless Of Gender

Specific Scenarios On Accidentally Running Into Your Ex And What To Do

Your ex runs away from you

If your ex is angry or unkind

If your ex is sad or gets really emotional

If your ex is with a new romantic partner

If the situation is one you can’t avoid, such as work, Church, a small party, etc

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