The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

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Signs Your Breakup May Be Temporary Apr 17, 2020

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Today we’re going to be talking about five real life signs that your breakup may be temporary. And when I say real life signs, I’m talking about real life people that we have worked with throughout the ex boyfriend recovery program that have gotten their exes back. These are some of the interesting signs that we noticed that they exhibited or had in their specific situations to basically help them get back with their exes. And what’s interesting is that as we look at these five signs, some of them are impossible for you to have, and some of them are based purely on luck. But these are what we have found to be true and can maybe be a signal that your breakup is a temporary circumstance. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz The 5 Signs Are Based On Real Life Experiences Well, before I actually start getting into the signs, the first thing that I do want to say, is that we took each one of these signs, we took inspiration from a success story in our private Facebook support group. So, if you don’t know how that works, essentially we give people access when they purchase our program, our flagship program, the ex-boyfriend recovery program. We give them access to this special private Facebook group where they get all sorts of little extra attention. They can integrate or communicate with other people going through breakups and similar situations to them. I do Facebook Lives when my schedule permits, coach Anna does Facebook Lives when her schedule permits, and ultimately it’s all about helping individuals. And what’s interesting is the more one on one attention people get, the better their results tend to be. And we have a lot of really great success stories to draw from within the private Facebook group. And so, I thought it’d be a fun exercise to go through and look at some of the commonalities we are seeing in success stories. And what’s helping them basically get their ex back, and what are some of those signs that they need to look at. So, let’s start with sign number one. Sign #1: Sharing Children Or Working With Your Ex Sign number one is something that we’ve noticed that gives people a certain amount of advantage, and that’s the fact that you share children with your ex. And this is something that we’ve noticed and it does make sense if you think about it in a standard point of view. If you share a child with your ex, then that means there’s something that will always connect the two of you basically forever. So, we actually drew inspiration from one of our success stories in the private Facebook group. And here’s exactly what she had to say. “Hi everyone. I wanted to give you some hope as well as a warning. Here’s a brief yet still wordy summary. I originally joined ERP around August of 2017 and applied Chris’s teachings along with similar advice from other sources. I won’t divulge as I’m not going to market for someone else. I successfully got my ex back today. We’ve known each other for 23 years, and after a 10 month breakup involving another woman, he initially blamed me for the situation as I gotten fed up with the wishy washy BS, pushed him away and of course, he went running to her. So yes, it is possible to get your ex back in another woman’s scenario. It actually wasn’t that difficult.” Now here is the relevant part that I want to highlight. “I did the limited no contact as we share a 21 year old son and we work together. Boy did the other woman hate that.” So that’s the relevant part. Now, do we need to basically point at this person’s situation and to protect their identity? I’m not going to tell you what her name is. But is it just the fact that her and her ex share this 21 year old son, that is the reason that she got him back? Not necessarily. Usually in my experience, there’s a confluence of factors that need to combine in order for you to successfully get an ex back. But we cannot deny that the fact that she was working together with her ex, and also that she shared a 21 year old son together, connects the two of them and often gives them an instant reason to talk. The other really interesting thing, is the fact that there’s another woman involved in this particular scenario. The other woman being involved in the scenario often will get irked by the fact that, Oh my God, he has a child with someone else. And especially women place a little bit more emphasis on the fact that, you’re sharing children with someone else, that it can intimidate them a little bit and can cause them to implode for me. So, here’s more that she had to say about her situation. I won’t get too wordy because of course we need to move on and talk more, but here’s what she had to say. “Now it completely works to my advantage. What also helped, well, after two months of me barely acknowledging his existence, when we did start occasionally eating lunch together, he claimed that he was completely honest with her about our long relationship and that she knew everything. This was a huge win for me because even if he told her one fourth of our history and truth, it was more than enough to scare the crap out of her.” Remember what I said? This is like a huge win or maybe even a knowledge moment, for people who are trying to get an ex back and the ex has moved on to another woman. The other woman can be extremely intimidated and will 100% look up to see what you look like, and see what you’re posting on social media. And they almost take everything that you’re doing to the max, if that makes any sense. So, what we think here, is that there’s two factors that really helped this particular woman get her ex back. The fact that she shared this long history and had a 21 year old son with the ex, and the fact that they work together, this just caused the other woman to implode. So, that’s the first sign that the breakup may be temporary. The circumstances of you maybe even working with your ex, or even sharing a child with your ex, can actually help you in a weird way. Sign #2: Your Ex Admires You From Afar Okay, let’s move on to the next sign that your ex or your breakup may be temporary. And that’s the fact that your ex will begin to admire you from afar. So, I’m going to be citing just a little snippet of a huge success story that one of our people had in the group, and then riffing a little bit off of that. So this person got her ex back, and she was giving a long write up of how she got her ex back. And she basically said, she failed no contact a bunch of times. She tried to go into no contact the second time and she thinks that there was a turning point for her. And she says, “During my second no contact, I did a number of things differently that I believed helped me make progress in the process, which ultimately led to my success. Number one, I really committed myself to therapy, did all of the homework my therapist assigned to me, spoke with her in depth at least once a week. And number two, and this is the one I want to highlight, I aggressively pursued new job opportunities and freelance clients, which better aligned me with two of his top core values. Ambition and creativity.” So, why am I highlighting this? Well, there’s a number of reasons. But the first reason ultimately I think is, one of the big ways that we try to approach every breakup situation is we try to… As we try to help women stop putting men on pedestals. Because one of the worst things that you can do after breakup is give your ex this god’s status, where you’re literally like looking at him and romanticizing the past and everything like that. When ultimately the whole goal is to literally get them to admire you from afar. Where you’re in the middle of a no contact rule, you’re doing things that make them a little jealous, or make them wish that they were with you. And that seems to be what this woman did to actually help create that confluence of events that will help her get her ex back. So she obviously said she committed herself to therapy. That’s great. But what’s interesting is she actually pursued new job opportunities and freelance clients, which better aligned her with two of his top core values. So, he really values ambition and creativity, and so that she did things that hit home on those points, so that he’s looking from afar and saying, wow, I had her pegged wrong. She’s a lot more ambitious and creative than I would have ever imagined. And so what I think is important to take, the important lesson to take from this is, is when you look at your ex, what are the values that he is attracted to? And when you’re in the middle of a no contact rule, and you’re doing social media game and different things after the breakup, you need to be doing things that will make him admire and regret his decision. And it seems like this woman did just that. Let’s switch gears and talk about the third reason that your breakup may be temporary. Sign #3: Your Ex Gets Riled Up By A No Contact Rule So this is like the third sign, and that’s the fact that your ex will get riled up by a no contact rule. Okay, so there’s a lot going on here, but I’m going to actually draw inspiration from a very, very long write up one of our Facebook members did in our private Facebook group, where she talks about her success story. And so what’s interesting is I’m going to take very specific snippets from her success story. But if you want to read the whole snippet of the success story, I actually highly recommend you actually come to our website, and actually find this particular podcast on our podcast page. And read this show notes where I actually literally word for word show you what these success stories look like, and I screenshot them and everything like that. So, here is what she had to say about the no contact rule. “No contact is literally, she says that in all caps, the only part of the program that I followed because it’s the first step, and it’s slowly drove my ex crazy and he’s stubborn as F. I joined CrossFit and began working out. I went out, made new friends, through work colleagues had decided to go on more spontaneous trips, bought a new car, wrote and released a new book, started cool new projects, et cetera. Life was good The point of this long recap is that complete your no contact. But not because you are waiting around for him to take you back into his life. But you can create your own life and be your own happiness. Please prioritize your mental health over any boy who doesn’t even know what he wants. You will thank yourself in a few weeks. You never know what amazing people and things that you open yourself to. And maybe you’ll realize you didn’t need him back as much as you think you did.” So, what’s important here? Well, there’s two main points that I want you to take from this write up. And obviously, I just basically gave you the cliff notes version of the actual real writeup. But here’s the two new points. Number one is, she did the no contact rule and by her own words, it slowly drove her ex crazy. He’s reaching out to her. She’s doing everything right too, notice how she went out more. She began working out more. She made new friends. She decided to go on spontaneous trips. She bought a new car, released a new book. That even ties into the second thing, doing things that make an ex admire you from afar. Because they can’t directly talk to you, because of the no contact rule. But the other thing she really reiterates at the end here, is that the no contact rule isn’t meant to help make your ex miss you totally. That is one of the symptoms of doing a no contact rule, but ultimately what you’re trying to use the no contact rule, is so that you can create your own life, and be your own happiness, and prioritize your mental health. And ultimately, I always view the no contact rule is only successful if you’re doing those things. Because so often we get clients that come in, they hear about the no contact rule, they’re like, Oh, sold, I’m doing it. They do it, but they miss the entire point. The entire point is to take the focus off of your ex and put it on to you, which is way more important in the end. So, the third sign we’re looking up here, is your ex getting super riled up by the no contact rule. But I’ll even caveat there and say, it’s also important that you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing during the no contact rule, and that’s putting the focus on you. Okay, let’s move on to sign number four. And without a doubt this is the sign I hate the most. So, what is the sign that your breakup is temporary, that I personally hate the most? Sign #4: Timing And Luck There’s no doubt that timing plays a gigantic factor in an ex wanting to take you back. Think of it like this. There’s two points of time that are essentially awful to try to get your ex back in. The first point is immediately after they break up with you, because the decision at that point for them seems final and they just want to move on, and you pestering them isn’t going to help. And the second point of time that’s basically awful to try to get an ex back in, is like 10 years down the road after they’ve lost all feelings for you. So, ultimately there’s an element of timing that you always have to look at. And also there’s an element of luck. And I hate admitting this, but it’s something that I think I’ll be doing you a dis-service if I don’t admit in the fact that, luck is without a doubt one of the things that you will need to be successful here. Because sometimes you’re just lucky in the fact that the timing is right. And I actually want to a cite from success story where I actually view that as being the case. So, she has a long, huge writeup here, but there’s ultimately just one paragraph that I want to take care and dissect. “We ended up meeting the next day. He told me he wanted to move forward, said he was thinking of me, and I had messaged him at the perfect time. And it was almost like all the stars aligned. We’re officially back together. Our parents both know and we’re both happy.” So what’s interesting is by this ex’s own admission, she had messaged him at the perfect time and the stars had perfectly aligned. And honestly it can be difficult. Because if you actually look through more of her writeup, she even says something like she did the 45 day no contact rule, but he did not reach out to her once. Then the 45 days turned into 137 days where there was no contact in between. You can’t look at a situation like that, and you can’t really advise anyone in a situation like that, without sometimes luck being involved and the timing being right. So, if you’ve ever been wondering if timing matters, it absolutely does. In fact, this is why we actually believe the no contact rule is one of the most effective ways of getting an ex back, if that’s the route you want to go. And that’s because it helps the timing a little bit. And sometimes the timing, a 30 day rule, or 21 day rule, or 45 day rule, like in this person’s success story isn’t even enough. Sometimes it takes 137 days for the timing to be right. But that’s why I think it’s really important for you to always switch your mentality from the short game to the long game. Because if you’re playing and looking at this like a marathon, you don’t get so upset when things don’t go your way. And you are almost guaranteed to have things not go your way at some point throughout this process. And that’s a normal part. Just to understand that sometimes the timing needs to be right, and sometimes you need to just be lucky, and sometimes luck is one of the best things you can have. But I’ll tell you what, people tend to get luckier the more they follow our program. So, I think there’s a correlation between being a little bit lucky and also following our program, just saying. Let’s move on to the fifth and final reason or sign that your ex or your breakup with your ex may be temporary. Sign #5: Your Exes Response Time In Text Messages The fifth and final sign that a breakup with an ex may be…

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Why Does My Ex Go Cold On Me All Of A Sudden? Apr 10, 2020

Show notes

Today we’re going to be talking about why exes just suddenly go cold after things seem to be going so well. We’re going to hear from a listener named Lauren who’s going through a really, really difficult situation where this is exactly happening to her. Before we hear Lauren’s situation, the first thing I want to say is that if you’re listening to this podcast and you’re determining whether or not you should be trying to get your ex back or simply moving along from your ex, the best thing you can do for yourself is to actually take our Ex Recovery Chances Quiz. Literally, the quiz will be right there for you to take, and just take it. It will take two minutes and your answers will be right there for you. You can sort of get an idea of where you’re at. With the personal plug out of the way, let’s hear from Lauren. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz She Wonders Why Her Ex Suddenly Went Cold On Her After Things Were Going So Well “Hi Chris. My name is Lauren. I’m going to try to summarize everything really fast and then ask my question. My ex and I dated for 10 months. We’re both 20. We were both each other’s first serious relationship. We’re living in different states for the semester, across the country, doing internships. He broke up with me at the beginning of the semester. I don’t think it was because of long distance because I was pretty clingy. I did no contact for 22 days. It went really well. When I reached back out to him, went really well. I ended up doing a phone call and hanging up in the middle of it. He was like, “Oh, text me tomorrow.” Then he ended up texting me the next day. Everything went really well until I pushed him to FaceTime with me and kind of told him that I missed him. I could tell that that made him uncomfortable. I went into no contact again. I saw on your site that that might not be as effective now. We did text a little the other day. He ended up ending it. Then today he reached back out to me. I don’t know. Should I just wait until next semester? Should I try to be friends for now? Because I know he’s lonely at his internship and he hasn’t made a lot of friends. I don’t really know what to do. Thanks.” A Recap Of Laurens Situation Lauren is in a real interesting situation. It looks like her ex broke up with her after 10 months of dating. They are in that long-distance relationship situation. He’s the one who broke up with her. She thinks it’s not because of the long distance but because she’s been clingy. They started talking again after she attempted a no contact rule. She lasted 21… 22 days, rather. It looks like things were going really well, but she was going a little too fast, too soon. He was hot one minute, cold the next, which is a really common behavior we see with exes, where they just run hot and cold. What I’d like to do today is talk to you guys, and Lauren personally, about why exes will go cold on you. There’s four really common reasons we see that happening. Also, what to do if they go cold on you, assuming that you want them back. Or, even if you don’t want them back, what should you do? How should you approach that situation? The Four Reasons Exes Suddenly Go Cold First things first, let’s look at the many reasons an ex will go cold on you. There are really primarily four reasons that we have seen exes go cold. We think or rather, I think, Lauren fell into the trap of reason number one. Reason #1 Going Too Fast Too Soon Reason number one is going too fast, too soon. This is a really common thing that we see after the no contact rule. The no contact rule stipulates that you ignore your ex. Lauren lasted 22 days. Probably she should have lasted 30 days, but 22 days is more than 21 days, which I assume is about three weeks. What happens in that three-week time period where you’re not talking to your ex is you’re constantly thinking about them. What happens when you actually do start talking to them again, you want to rush the process. This is a process that doesn’t do well when you rush it. I’m going to talk about that in a little bit, but one of the primary reasons that going too fast, too soon doesn’t work is because it’s almost like you’re trying to force your ex into doing what you want them to do without letting them make their own decision or come to their own realizations. You’re kind of forcing them down the path. That’s not the way to approach this. Usually, we don’t look at this as a sprint. We look at this as a marathon. Ironically, the people who look at this like a sprint usually fail. The people who look at this like a marathon usually have a lot more success. The first reason that an ex will suddenly go cold on you after they seem to be kind of hot with you at the beginning is you’re going too fast, too soon. Reason #2: Your Ex Found A New Alternative The second reason is a little bit more sinister. The second reason is that they found a new alternative. I’ve long been a proponent of the interdependence theory, and that posits that human beings will make commitment decisions based on costs and benefits. Essentially, they make a pros and cons list in their head, and they compare you against other suitors in this pros and cons list. The pros and cons list is usually made up of three primary factors: how invested they are in the relationship with you, how many alternatives out there that they feel are suitable, and how satisfied they felt in the relationship with you. You’re almost on a grading scale throughout your entire relationship where they have these internal ways of tagging you like, “Hey, she was an 8 out of 10 with satisfaction, but I feel like there’s someone else out there better than me.” What we find is a reason that an ex can go cold on you is that they’re finding a new alternative. Now oftentimes, you’d be so surprised about how often new alternatives turns out to be kind of more grass-is-greener situations where they’re like, “Oh, I thought this person would be better,” and then they’re not better. We cannot deny the fact that sometimes, a reason that an ex will go cold on you is because they do find that new alternatives. That’s reason number two. Reason #3: Your Ex Thinks They Have You Reason number three is something that I actually see a lot more of than even going too fast, too soon and finding a new alternative. Reason number three is thinking that they have you. There’s no more challenge involved. Playing hard to get works. I hate to break it to you, but it does. One of the reasons it works is because men kind of like the chase. When the chase isn’t there anymore, when they feel like they have you, all of you… This is a really difficult thing for women who are trying to get their exes back because oftentimes, guess what? They’ve already had you. They know what that’s like. You need to bring something new to the table, a new facet of yourself, a new personality aspect of yourself that you haven’t shown them before. Maybe it’s being a little bit more disciplined in how you’re ending conversations, and ending conversations at the high point, and things of that nature. The moment that an ex thinks that they have you, there’s no more challenge involved. The sort of excitement of trying to date you becomes a little dull. It’s tough because they’ve already dated you, so you almost have that working against you constantly. It’s difficult when they already feel like they know everything about you. The thing I usually tell my clients is, “Don’t try to seek to reinforce some of the normal type of dating behaviors that you enjoy. Try to enforce the good aspects, of course, but also try to bring something new to the table that they aren’t realizing.” I’m actually going to talk about this a little bit later when I talk about what you can do when an ex goes cold on you. Reason #4: Overemotional Texting We still have one reason for why an ex will go cold on you, and that is overemotional texting. Now I also have a really fun acronym for this, and this is called gnatting. G-N-A-T… Going nuts at texting. We have a tendency when we’re extremely emotional after a breakup to just go nuts, and want responses, and want closure, and get angry when we don’t get immediate responses. Sometimes when an ex is engaging with you, you can be a little too overemotional, a little too overtaxing with texting. It becomes a little bit of a burden and a little bit of an annoyance on their part. They’re like, “Ah. Every time I talk to this girl, she’s always bringing this up.” Or, “Every time I talk to this girl, she’s so high-strung.” Those aren’t attractive behaviors for men when they’re making decisions, whether or not they should get back with you. Now, Lauren, I’m not saying you did any of this. I’m just showing you. I think one thing that we can agree on is you went too fast, too soon. That’s the one sort of reason I think your ex is starting to go cold on you. It’s freaking him out a little bit. For people like you, Lauren, who are in a situation where an ex is kind of playing the mixed signals, hot and cold type thing, and they’re in the cold aspect, what can you do to heat them up? Okay. This is great. I’m going to use a cooking analogy. First time I’ve ever done this on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, but here we go. I’m going to give it a try. You freeze something in the freezer. You decide it’s time to cook that bad boy up. Let’s say it’s meat or something. After all, men are nothing more than pieces of meat, right? You decided you’re going to try to cook this frozen thing. What is the way you would thaw that bad boy out? Would you leave it outside and wait for it to melt? Or, would you slowly heat it up? Or, would you stick it in the microwave and heat it up as fast as possible? What do you think is the way that would make that food taste the best? Well, I think probably the best way is to slowly heat it up. It’s a slow burn. That’s how you need to look at your situations with your ex. The Importance Of The Slow Burn Strategy Also, I do acknowledge that was an absolutely atrocious analogy. Sometimes in my head when I think this stuff up, I’m like, “Oh that sounds really cool. That’s a new way of putting things. Maybe a few light bulbs will go off for the listeners here.” Then when I say it, it just didn’t work. I think you got the point I’m trying to make here. When you’re trying to get an ex back or you’re trying to deal with a situation like this, “It’s almost always better to look at your overall sort of approach as a slow-burn strategy. In fact, your strategy, when it comes to getting him back, needs to happen so gradually that they don’t even notice that it’s happening to them. This requires a lot of patience on your part. This is why the going too fast, too soon doesn’t really work so well. The analogy I often give when it comes to texting is a lot of people are like, “Hey, how many text messages should I send? How many text messages is right for my situation?” My response to them lately has been, “I don’t know. It depends.” I teach them about my tide theory. If you’ve ever been walking on the beach in the morning, the tide, the way the waves come out on the beach are at a certain level. If you stay in the same spot on the beach for 24 hours, you’ll notice that that level will change. It will get closer, and closer, and closer to wherever you have your towel laid out, for example. Do you notice this happening in one fell swoop? Is it like, hey, you close your eyes and next thing you know, there’s water that’s ruining your belongings? No. It’s such a gradual process. You don’t even see it happening. That’s how you need to be approaching getting your ex back. Don’t look at this as a sprint. Like I said, look at this like a marathon. What are you supposed to do? Well, I can’t help but notice, Lauren. In your situation, you did a 22-day no contact rule and then you went really too fast, too soon. One thing that I think is lost on a lot of people is some of the aspects that they’re supposed to be accomplishing during the no contact rule. The no contact rule… Most people look at it like, is this a way to play hard to get and get your ex to want you? That’s actually one of the worst ways to approach the no contact rule. I’m just going to say that right now. One of the best ways to approach the no contact rule is understanding, yes, this will do that. This can help you. You make an ex miss you. The Ungettable Mindset What you use with that time apart from your ex, how you reshape your life, how you add that new aspect of yourself that intrigues him is almost as important as ignoring your ex on purpose. I’ve talked a lot about this in a book I was writing called Ungettable. I was talking about… What is an ungettable girl? Because one thing I always talk about during the no contact rule is you need to seek to grab this ungettable mindset. You need to feel ungettable. What’s really fascinating is when I went to our private Facebook group for everyone who has access to the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program, I surveyed the women there to see, what does ungettable mean to you? Here were some of their answers. I’m actually going to pull it up here. It’s real fascinating because all of them are kind of about the same thing. Anyways, here’s what women had to say being ungettable looked like: being confident loving yourself carrying a big stick and scaring men away being treated with respect not being a second choice setting goals and obtaining them Somehow the song can’t touch this played in my mind. Being confident in the choices you make living your best life being cool in any situation being positive no matter what life throws your way being true to yourself blowing other people’s expectations of you out of the water Being the best version of yourself being independent upgrading your life in all areas being happy and doing things for you not for him finding inner peace, being okay doing things alone not easily caught playing hard to get finding joy in life no matter what every thought and action of mine, or just celebrating the fact that I am freaking amazing. Why did I just do that exercise? Because the things, those adjectives I just described, becoming ungettable, are the things that you need to be trying to do during the no contact rule. The two I really want to point out here is blowing other people’s expectations of you out of the water and having a positive outlook no matter what life throws your way. Let’s start with the first one: blowing other people’s expectations of you out of the water. I’ve said multiple times that when you reinsert yourself and try to get your ex back, you need to present this new aspect of yourself that is like, “Oh, I didn’t know that about her. Maybe I had her pegged wrong.” People, your ex especially, will have certain expectations of you, but if you could find a way to add a new facet, you can find a way to add a new version of what you can bring to the table, it will intrigue your ex. Usually, the best way to do this is to get other people to notice you. This is why I always talk about social media and why it’s so important. If you’re doing things to appear ungettable or trying to achieve that ungettable mindset, you’re not only going to just sort of interest your ex, but you’re going to interest all sorts of other men out there. The more men that finds you intriguing and interesting, makes fear of loss work when it comes to making a commitment decision. The second thing I think is having a positive outlook no matter what life throws your way. Success Is Not Linear I was in the Facebook group yesterday trying to answer a few people’s comments. It was really interesting. There was a woman in there who was really struggling with the day-to-day process of going through a no contact rule and obsessing about what her ex is saying, and doing, and everything like that. I told her. I said, “A lot of people have this misconception that success is linear, but that’s not how success…

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What It Means When Your Ex Responds So Quickly Mar 30, 2020

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Today we’re going to be talking about why your ex responds to your texts immediately. It’s interesting, most of the time when I’m dealing with clients, the number one problem that they have isn’t in the fact that their ex is responding to their text messages, it’s the opposite. Their exes aren’t responding to their text messages. But today we’re going to hear from a woman named Ella who basically is in the situation where her ex has responded to her but she doesn’t really understand why or some of the mechanisms behind why he responded to her. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Ella Asks: Why Is My Ex Responding So Quickly To Me? Hey, Chris. So it’s been two weeks since my boyfriend and I broke up. We’ve been together for a year and the breakup was a mess. I actually slapped him in the face. I felt bad about it so I apologized by sending him a somewhat long text message, which basically sounded like a closure letter. I told him I was sorry for what I did that night, that I understand now why he was confused about his feelings for me, and that I have accepted the breakup, that I’m doing well now with family, friends, and work, and I hope that he is too. I ended it by saying not to give up on himself and always take care of himself, and I wished him luck. So I sent this to him. I know, I’m sorry I broke the no contact rule, but it’s at my own peril anyway. And then he replied with three messages consecutively. First, “Hey, I just woke up and read this.” Second, “I forgive you for that night.” And the last message was, “You know me well enough to know I don’t hold grudges, right?” With a question mark. I haven’t replied to him and I have no immediate plans to. I want to finish the no contact rule and then follow your texting strategy, send two texts, Sunday one, and another two on day two, and so on. I still want to have another try with this guy, but not with how he is at the moment. I just want to know why did he reply so quickly but so briefly. He literally just focused on the slap and ignored the rest of the letter. And his last message was a question. Is expecting me to reply to him? I’d really appreciate some insight- A Recap Of Ella’s Situation So it looks like Ella got cut off there a bit at the end, but we got the gist of her situation. So what I like to do in typically these type of podcasts is I like to recap the person’s voicemail so that I’m on the same page and then from there just organically talk about what I think about her situation. So from what I understand, Ella went through a pretty rough breakup. In fact, she actually slapped him when he broke up with her, which is kind of mean but also kind of funny at the same time. Maybe I’m wrong there. But, she immediately apologizes to him and she enters into a no contact rule. But then she does what I hate the most and breaks the no contact rule by sending this really long text, which is kind of looked at as an apology but also at the same time is like this closure text messages, or text message rather. And he actually replied to her with three text messages really, really quickly. So she’s wondering why he replied so quickly and so briefly. He only focused on one aspect of her apology text. And if he’s expecting her to reply to him. The Red Flags To Watch Out For In This Situation So really, we’re going to be talking today about why your ex responds to your texts immediately. But what I’d like to talk about first has to do with Ella. I think Ella actually has a lot of work to do because there’s a couple things that she said that struck me as a little bit of red flags. Now, what are red flags? Well, red flags are things that will prevent her from not only getting him back but also prevent her from having a successful relationship. The fact that she was moved to physical violence during the breakup is a bit alarming. It also says something about her emotional state at the time. So it seems like when she gets highly emotional she can act out physically. And this is not something that really is conducive to a great relationship, but it’s great that she recognizes that it was a wrong thing to do and she apologized for it. It is great. But I would actually have preferred her to apologize first before she went into a no contact rule. She actually did it kind of backwards. She actually went into a no contact rule and then broke the no contact rule to apologize probably after sitting and festering a bit. You Are Probably Not The Exception To The No Contact Rule But ultimately, what’s really, really interesting I find is when we’re dealing with clients who are sitting there and they’re thinking they’re the exception to the rule, to the no contact. But perhaps the most ironic part about the no contact rule is that there’s almost no exceptions. So Ella has this need to break the no contact rule and think that there won’t be consequences. And I want to take this as a lesson to maybe not only teach her but anyone who’s listening and thinking about breaking the no contact rule. What we found from a pure statistic-driven sort of study is people who break the no contact rule consistently this easily during their first no contact, maybe just this early, have a really hard time of sticking with the no contact rule for maybe the second attempt, or the third attempt, or the fourth attempt. What alarms me about Ella’s situation is the fact that she’s just basically … She even admits it’s at her own peril, but she admits that she’s not going to try the no contact rule again. She’s just going to go forward. But, it’s essential to the overall process for you to actually fully complete a no contact rule, even if you’re in a situation where you’re forced to do a limited no contact rule or a indefinite no contact rule. You still want to sort of serve your time, so to speak, because that time not only serves you well but it also serves your ex well. And sometimes getting back in touch too soon can have the opposite effect of what you’re trying to achieve, and that’s getting your ex back. That’s sort of looks like what Ella wants to do. So Ella, even though she recognizes that it’s a mistake, she sort of plows forward. It’s a mistake, Ella. I just want to tell you right off the bat. I can’t tell you how oftentimes people in our private Facebook group break the no contact rule and think that there’s no consequences, but there is. Usually, the consequences come in the form of when you actually start having a conversation because you haven’t done any soul searching. They haven’t done any soul searching. So when you’re actually communicating with them, it’s almost too soon to be having any kind of talks. Also, your other mistake, I think, Ella, is the fact that you got way too emotional way too soon. You sent this apology text, but it’s not really an apology text. It’s more of a closure text, which is extremely emotional. That’s not going to really end up well for you. But, why? Why Will An Ex Respond To Your Text Messages Immediately? Well, I think first we should answer the original problem or the original question, and that is why does my ex respond to my texts immediately. Like I said, most people have the opposite problem. They can’t get their exes to respond to their texts at all. So just be thankful that you’re in that situation where you have an ex that wants to respond to you. But, why? Well, in my mind there are two reasons why exes will respond to text messages immediately, especially if they’re happening a little too soon. Your Ex Is Thinking About You A Lot She Reached Out With A Highly Emotional Topic Let’s talk about both reasons now. Your Ex Is Thinking About You A Lot The first one is that they’re thinking about you a lot. So I’m not really sure how to expand on that other than the fact that you go through this breakup. Your ex is obviously upset about the whole situation, but they can’t stop thinking about you. Sometimes when you implement a no contact rule, like Ella has attempted … She attempted the no contact rule but broke it. I don’t know how long she was in the no contact rule for. She didn’t specify. But let’s just assume she’s been in it for a week. So a week has gone by. She hasn’t reached out to him. He hasn’t reached out to her. And maybe there’s kind of like this war of attrition going on. Well, I’m not going to reach out to her until she reaches out to me first. And she’s thinking, “Well, I’m really upset. I want to talk about the breakup.” But the interesting thing is him. From his perspective, he’s thinking about her. Even if it’s I’m not going to reach out to her first, he’s thinking about her. So then when she breaks down, reaches out to him, which is what exactly happened here, he’s like, “Okay, okay. I could talk to her.” He gets really excited, right? That is probably what’s going on here. He looks at like, oh, point for me. And if you don’t think men do this, if you think we’re all mature, I’m sorry to break it to you, but we’re not, especially when it comes to emotional topics and relationships. We are so immature it is almost laughable. But the same can be said for women from what we’ve found working with men who are trying to get their exes back. So maybe it’s not accurate to say men or woman, but human beings can be extremely immature when it comes to relationships. And granted, breakups often attract immature relationships because usually there’s a reason that relationship failed, and usually that has to do with one member’s immaturity. And ladies, it’s usually not you. So that’s the first reason I think most exes will respond to your texts immediately. They’re thinking about you a lot. She Reached Out With A Highly Emotional Topic The second reason is if you do what Ella did and you reach out with an emotionally charged topic very, very quickly after the breakup. What do I mean by that? So let’s look at Ella’s situation. She slapped him, which is not okay by any means. Thinking about it is a little funny. I’m allowed to say that. But it’s not okay. It’s not something that you want to do. She recognizes that that is not an okay way to go about your situation. But it makes for a one heck, one heck of an emotionally charged topic. So what’s interesting is she sends this closure/apology text message to him where she mentions, “I am sorry for slapping you. I am really sorry. That is not the way a woman should treat a man. I’m sorry.” It is a highly emotional topic. He’s thinking about her a lot. He’s maybe even thinking about the fact that this is the first time in my life I’ve ever been slapped by a woman. So he wants to respond. I think the important thing to remember with the emotionally charged topic is that it has to do with recency. There is a recency bias. If the breakup just happened and then three, four, five, even a week later, three, four, five days in or a week later, you reach out to your ex with a closure/apology texts, which is a mistake … And I actually have done a YouTube video and written an article about this. Go check that out if you haven’t. Your ex is going to want to respond. So the more recent or the closer you are to this emotionally charged topic like a breakup, the more likely they are to respond. But here’s the thing. When we’re looking at responses, we don’t really care if … Sorry. I’m saying that wrong. Boy, I just sort of blanked out there. What we do care about really more than anything is the type of response that you’re getting. You’re looking for a neutral to positive responses. And ultimately, if you didn’t know, there are four types of responses to text messages. There’s a positive response A neutral response A negative response A no response. And really, if you were to chart these on a spectrum, the best you could get is a positive response. The second best is a neutral response. The third best is a negative response, because a negative response is … It’s kind of like credit. Having bad credit is better than having no credit. Well, as you could guess, no response is the worst thing you can get, indifference, being ghosted. Horrible. We don’t want that. But what ends up happening typically when you enter into a conversation with your ex and he responds to this emotionally charged topic or text message that you send very recently after this emotional time, the responses maybe start out cordial, neutral, but quickly deteriorate to negative and eventually to no response. We don’t want that to happen. That is not a recipe for success. Do Not Send Closure Text Messages Now, what’s interesting is Ella points out that, well, I sent this huge closure text message. I talked about a lot of things, but he only focused on one thing, the slap. Why? So why is he only focusing on this one thing in this gigantic closures/apology text? Well, it’s probably because it’s the part that he feels he needs to address. It’s also the part he’s thinking about the most, and it’s the most emotionally charged aspect of the topic. Also, there’s this concept of how human beings understand or organize their memory. Your brains are amazing tools, but one thing that you may … Anyone who sits there and tells me they have great memory is actually not realizing how our brains really work. Our brains, our memory centers essentially try to decipher what is important enough to put in long-term memory, and what’s important enough to put in short-term memory, and what’s important enough to not put in memory at all. So what’s really interesting is when you send this closure text, I mean, you’re making a lot of mistakes here, Ella. I’m not trying to sound like I’m picking on you, because I’m not, but think of it like this. You send a closure text where you’re essentially starting and apologizing, and everything else you’re talking about is sort of what you wanted a response to. Let’s just assume your closure texts or apology/closure text started with an apology about the slap and then quickly goes into some of the issues with the relationship, and how he treated you, and how you felt wronged and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So why isn’t he touching on the things that you want him to touch on and he’s touching on the things that you really don’t want him to touch on? Well, it’s because the thing that you don’t want him to touch in on also coincides with the end of your relationship. So I’m a big proponent of this concept called the peak-end rule, which basically is a way of showing you how human beings organize their thoughts, right? They think that if you put a list in front of people, they will organize that list based on the most exciting aspect of it in the end of it. So when you’re looking at memory, I don’t even think I explained that right, so let me try it again. When you’re looking at memory, when you’re thinking back on your relationship with your ex, you’re thinking about two points most distinctly, the most emotionally charged moments, the exciting ones, the ones you can’t get out of your head years later, months later, days later, and the bad one, the breakup, the end of the relationship. It just so happens that your closure message is highlighting the end of your relationship, Ella. You’re talking about the slap and how you feel bad about it, how you apologize for it. But the fact of the matter is the slap happened at the end of the relationship and it is also an emotionally charged moment. Of course he’s going to focus on that. He doesn’t want to talk about anything else. He feels, number one, that he’s won by getting you to reach out to him first. And he also feels, number two, that he doesn’t care about any of the mumbo jumbo stuff that you want him to talk about. He only cares about the stuff you don’t want to talk about, the slap, how you were mean to him. He maybe has a bit of the victim mentality. But what you need to understand above all is that this is why we don’t break the no contact rule. This is also why I don’t believe in apologies until you’re kind of close to getting…

Full show notes at the publisher

**What He Means When He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship** Mar 20, 2020
Show notes

Today we’re going to be talking about, what your ex means when he says he doesn’t want a relationship.

There’s a lot to dive into, but the first step you should always take if you are sitting there and determining whether or not you should be trying to get back with your ex, or trying to move on with your ex, is by stopping everything you’re doing and taking our ex recovery chances quiz.

It’s a special two minute quiz designed to tell you what chance you have of getting your ex back, so you can make a smart decision going forward and not sacrifice or waste your time.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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**What Does It Mean When He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?**

So, today we’re going to be taking a question from a woman who wants to remain anonymous. But when I heard her question I became inspired to talk about something that I don’t think I’ve ever talked about before.

But before I get into that, I think it’s probably best if I just play her question.

Last week, my boyfriend of three months broke up with me. He said that his main reason was that he realized he didn’t want to be in a relationship, and he wants someone to hang out with, but he doesn’t want the commitment. He knows that’s not what I’m looking for. And he also knows that people our age really are not looking for that kind of relationship. I’m 37 and he’s 44. Prior to breaking up though, we had a conversation about sex, because in our three months together we had never been sexually intimate. And I had even spent the night with him a couple of times and nothing ever happened.

So, I wanted to ask him about it because I just was wondering. And he revealed to me that he has erectile dysfunction. And while he is interested in sex and he is attracted to me, he was worried that if we tried to have sex or fool around or anything, that he didn’t know what the outcome would be. So, I think that was a little worrisome for him, and embarrassing for him for us to even attempt that. So we never did attempt anything physically like that. But I was supportive, I didn’t want to break up with him over that. I wanted to be as encouraging as I could and help him. And I was willing to stick with him and work through this together. So, I’m wondering if you think which reason is the primary reason he wanted to end our relationship?

The Exception Mentality

So this is a situation that is becoming more and more common.

You’re with someone, things seem to be going okay, and then he drops this bombshell.

I don’t want a relationship.

People our age aren’t doing that, whether that’s being young or old. And a lot of women come to me and they ask me, “Well, does he mean it?”

Because what’s interesting is when women hear this, sometimes I feel like they take this the wrong way.

They think that they’re the exception.

This is a problem, because you’re not the exception. When a man sits there and tells you he doesn’t want a relationship with you, does he mean it? He absolutely means it in the moment. Now things can change. Who knows what the future holds. But women sometimes take this to mean that, yeah, he means it right now, but I’ll change his mind.

And oftentimes their efforts lead them astray and they fail.

And I want to explore this concept of thinking that you’re the exception.

Because you may well be the exception, but you probably don’t have the mentality it takes to see the results of that.

Now, what do I mean by that? Well, it’s interesting the longer I’ve been doing this, the more important I realize mentality is over anything else.

You give me two people. You can give me someone in the worst situation you can imagine, their ex says they hate them, they block them. They have no way of getting in touch with them. And then you can give me someone who has an ideal situation. But the only difference is the mentality. One person, the person with the worst situation has the right mentality. And the person with the easiest situation has the wrong mentality. And I will take the person with the right mentality every single time.

**The Pedestal Mentality**

And that’s because, women I’ve noticed have this tendency to place men on pedestals. And that’s a problem. Because men are human beings just like you are a human being. And human beings are not perfect.

In fact, we’re often defined by our imperfect nature. Putting your ex on a pedestal gives them power over you. It gives them leverage. One of my favorite TV shows is this British TV show called, Peaky Blinders. It’s basically this like period piece set right after World War I. It’s set in Britain and it just follows this leader of this gang.

I’m not really one for gang type stuff, but this show is awesome.

And I remember the moment that I was sold on the show.

The main character basically says, “Never parlay when you’re on the back foot.”

Basically, don’t deal with someone until you have leverage. This is something that I’ve tried to teach women countless times over the years.

If you have no leverage, you are not going to get your ex back.

That’s as simple as it gets.

And what you do by placing your ex on a pedestal, by looking at him like he’s this perfect being and that your life is over without him, you give him that leverage. Now, I’m not saying that’s what the caller did here.

No, she is the victim of a symptom of society.

So yeah, she may be placing her ex on a pedestal, most women do. Until I can explain to them why they shouldn’t be doing that. But even when you sometimes explain to a woman why she shouldn’t put a man on a pedestal, they have to experience the pain and heartbreak first for them to realize, Oh, that’s why I don’t do that. But, what do I mean by a symptom?

**The Peter Pan Syndrome**

Well, a man who sits there and says to you, he doesn’t want a relationship, oftentimes they suffer from something I like to call, the Peter Pan Syndrome. Now, I’m a weird person I’m not going to lie to you.

At night one of my favorite things to do is just surf YouTube and try to find inspirational videos or philosophical videos that get my mind thinking. And last night I stumbled across something, and I’ll actually post the video in the show notes of this episode on our website.

Because it struck me so much and I not only agreed with it, but it’s something that I’ve seen happen time and time again. There’s this, he’s called the professor, but I view him more as a philosopher. His name is Jordan Peterson. He’s very controversial.

He has very controversial views, but I don’t think anyone can doubt his intelligence.

And what’s interesting is he did this talk about men or women in general who reject this concept of growing up, Peter Pan Syndrome. And I feel that most men who sit there and say, I don’t want a relationship. I can’t commit to you. Especially in anonymous’ situation here where she’s 37 and he’s 44 or something. I actually don’t remember his age. But I know he’s in his 40’s. People our age aren’t getting married. No. That’s BS. People your age are married.

That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Excuse my language. It gets me angry because what we have here is a classic case of the Peter Pan Syndrome.

**How The Peter Pan Syndrome Works**

No, I don’t want to claim that I came up with this concept by myself because I didn’t. I was inspired and made some tweaks to it.

So, like I said, I’ll post the video on the show notes. So you can watch the video as a whole and see for yourself. But this is Jordan Peterson, and he talks about this concept of Peter Pan and how Peter Pan is this children’s book, right?

And when we’re children we’re nothing but potential, we can be anything. And Peter Pan is a magical boy, but he never wants to grow up. Plus he could fly, which is pretty cool. But he never wants to grow up because he never wants to give away that potential. Peter Pan, he just doesn’t want to give it up.

So, he wants to have that potential be there forever. And he’s surrounded by children who adopt the same mentality in this make-believe place called Neverland. Now that’s not to say he isn’t surrounded by adults, he is.

The main adult in Peter Pan’s life is Captain Hook. Which is an evil man with a hook, who is constantly chased by a crocodile with a clock in its stomach. What’s interesting is Peterson makes this distinction that, the crocodile with a clock in its stomach is time.

So, you have this crocodile with a clock in its stomach constantly chasing Captain Hook. A man who’s constantly running from time. So, Peter Pan sees this main adult, this crazy, ugly, mean old man with a hook, running from time, looks at him and says, “I don’t want to do that. I’m not sacrificing my childhood for that.”

But what’s interesting is that being a child does have its sacrifices. See, one of the biggest benefits of growing up is establishing a relationship. A loving relationship with someone that you can rely on and trust in, someone that will be there for you when times are good and when times are bad. And as a child, that’s something that you sacrifice. And Peter Pan does have to sacrifice that. As a child he can’t ever have a real relationship with a woman. The woman in his life, of course being Wendy. A girl, she’s not a woman technically yet, but she’s accepted her maturity. She’s accepted the fact that at some point she will have to grow up. She wants to grow up, she wants to have kids, she wants to have a life. And perhaps the moral of the story is that growing up does require you to sacrifice your childhood.

And here we’re going to talk about your ex a little bit, anonymous. Some men resist this notion. Some men are Peter Pan. And what we have is often… When we’re growing up, we can do things when we’re 20, mid 20’s and we’re still looked at as, that person has potential. But if a person never changes, if they never grasp their potential, they’ll wake up when they’re 30 or 40 being the same child with no difference. And what I think happens often to men who say they don’t want a relationship and they’re old, is they literally reject the notion of growing up. They’re literally spitting on their potential. Because potential cannot be achieved without sacrificing your childhood.

Yes, you have potential as a child, you can be anything you want to be. But having potential, and fulfilling potential, are two completely different concepts. And perhaps the most ironic part about all of this, is that growing up will happen to us whether we do it or not. So, we’re ultimately faced with these two choices.

You choose your skill, fulfill your potential, and sacrifice your time. Time is currency in this instance. Something that we can spend and never get back. So, what are we doing when we spend our time? If we’re not doing anything to fulfill our potential, we’re wasting our time. Or the second result or choice that people have, and this is what I find often happens with men who say they don’t want a relationship, they don’t want to commit, they resist, they resist growing up. They become Peter Pan, but the bill comes due no matter what you do.
The post What He Means When He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

**The Rules For Running Into Your Ex During No Contact** Mar 12, 2020
Show notes

Today, we’re going to talk about something that I don’t really cover a lot, but it’s something that I see a lot from my one-on-one coaching clients and a lot in our private Facebook group, and that’s how to handle running into your ex during the no-contact rule.

Now, we’re going to hear a question from a woman who wants to remain anonymous, but she called into the podcast because she is dealing with this very issue and she doesn’t know how to handle it.

So we’re going to give her some clarity, but before we get to her question, the first thing that I want to say is that everyone always is looking to answer one simple question, should I get my ex back or not?

I’ve actually put together a special quiz that I believe helps you answer this question to the best of your ability by trying to help you determine what your overall chances are of success.

It’s a simple two-minute quiz that’s designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.

But more than anything, what it wants to help you do is determine if you’re going to be wasting your time or not, because a lot of people don’t realize that there’s a big time commitment to being successful in trying to win an ex back.

It will help you understand if you need to be putting your time towards getting your ex back or putting your time towards moving on from your ex. If you want to take that quiz, all you’ve got to do is just click the link below,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s hear from the woman who wants to remain anonymous.

**Anonymous Asks What She Should Do If She Runs Into Her Ex?**

*Hi. I wanted to know if it would be okay for me to go to an event that I knew my ex would be at.*

*It’s like an open mic weekly type event.*

*It’s in a few days and I’ll be 19 days into the no-contact by that time.*

*I wasn’t sure if that would be breaking the no-contact rule.*

I haven’t contacted him at all after we broke up and he hasn’t contacted me either. I thought it might be a good opportunity to show off the new and improved me and just be confident, but yeah, I wasn’t sure if it would be breaking that rule.

*Yeah, that was it. Thank you.*

**Handling “Run Ins” During No Contact In Three Ways**

All right.

This is as cut and dry as they come.

We have a woman who wants to go to an open mic night stage type of event and she knows for a fact her ex is going to be there.

She doesn’t want to back off on not enjoying life just because her ex is going to be around, but she also doesn’t want to break the no-contact rule.

So what should we do?

Well, I’m going to divide this up into let’s say three sections.

First we’re just going to talk about run-ins in general.

Then we’re going to talk about what to do when you run into your ex, or rather, the rules of engagement.

Then finally, what a successful “run-in” looks like.

It’s also important to preface this by saying that this woman’s in the middle of no-contact, that means she’s not supposed to have any contact with her ex whatsoever.

So we’re going to help her navigate these tricky waters so that she can get the maximum result.

**The Two Types Of Run-Ins**

All right, so let’s start by talking about the two types of run-ins. I’ve been doing this for a long time, and when it comes to the no-contact rule, there are a lot of emotions involved that cause you to want to see your ex.

It makes sense, because you’re ignoring your ex so therefore you want to see them, you miss them. This creates what we call a staged run-in. Like I said, there are two types of run-ins.

**Staged Run-Ins**

The first type is staged run-ins.

What is a staged run-in?

Well, it’s a fabricated situation that you’ve arranged so that you can interact with your ex essentially.

Now, a staged run-in, it looks like this.

You’re in the middle of a no-contact rule, let’s use our Anonymous’s situation here. She’s in day 19 of the no-contact rule and she purposely wants to see her ex, so she shows up into an area that she knows he’s going to be in.

It’s a staged run-in, she’s trying to fabricate a situation that she can talk to her ex.

**Genuine Run-Ins**

Then you have the second type of running that’s a genuine run-in.

A genuine run-in is when you’re basically minding your own business and you are walking down the road and your ex just happens to be there. This is what we call a naturally-occurring situation, where you are forced to interact with your ex.

The big misconception I think a lot of people have is they take no contact to heart, meaning they should literally have no contact with their ex, but no contact doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be rude or mean to your ex. It just means you need to ignore your ex when possible.

If you have a genuine run-in, you are walking down the road, minding your own business, and hey, there’s your ex, he just happens to be around, you don’t have to ignore them.

You can interact with them in a small, quick way, which I’m going to cover in a little bit.

But first things first, let’s talk about our situation here, Anonymous’s situation. I think the important thing here is the intent.

Is she going just because she wants to see her ex? She mentioned that she wants to show off some of her positive changes to him, which is kind of cool, but would lead me to believe that maybe she’s going just for that reason. I think that’s not a good idea, because it means, whether she realizes it or not, she is staging this run-in.

Now, if she happened to go to that open mic night and he just happened to be there, she didn’t know beforehand, what should she do?

**The Rules Of Engagements For Run-Ins**

Well, let’s talk about the rules of engagement.

In all, there are five rules of engagement when you have a genuine run-in.

**Rule #1: Don’t Initiate**

What do I mean by that?

Well, a lot of people overreact when they see their ex. They see their ex and they immediately think, “Oh, I should say something. I should wave.” No, you shouldn’t. Think of it like this, a genuine run-in is one where you’re walking through the mall and your ex happens to be there.

You don’t want to initiate contact with him until he initiates contact with you first, then you can engage with him.

Rule number one, don’t initiate.

**Rule #2: Keep your distance.**

If you see him and he’s way across the mall and he hasn’t seen you yet, don’t go closer to him, just keep doing what you were doing.

But let’s say that he sees you, walks over and starts to talk to you, what do you do then?

**Rule #3: Match His Greeting**

Well, this is where rule number three comes into play.

Match his greeting.

Let’s say he comes up to you and says,

*“Oh, hi. I’ve missed you so much. How are you doing?”*

First off, don’t say that you’ve missed him, but match his greeting, match his style of greeting.

Just basically say,

*“Oh, hi. Yeah, I’ve been doing really, really well. How about you?”*

This actually leads us seamlessly into our fourth rule of engagement, keep things simple.

**Rule #4: Keep Things Simple**

A lot of people have a tendency when they interact with someone that they love deeply to not keep things simple, to immediately get into the emotional things, to immediately say, “I’ve been really struggling without you. I really miss you. I love you.” No, we’re trying to keep things very simple.

We’re going to talk small talk.

Now, I’ve talked a lot about the five different types of conversations that you should be having with your ex. You have small talk, then you have telling stories, sharing opinions, talking virgin ground, and then sharing feelings. This isn’t a time to share feelings or share opinions.

This is a time for small talk.

Talk about things that are relevant to both of you that are non-confrontational, the weather, maybe something that’s going on in the world right now. Coronavirus seems to be a big thing, talk about the coronavirus.

Weird, but that’s keeping things simple.

**Rule #5: Excuse Yourself**

Then we have the fifth rule of engagement, and that’s excuse yourself.

Let’s go through the five rules because I think excuse yourself kind of encompasses all of this. Number one, we don’t initiate. Number two, we keep our distance. Number three, if he initiates, you match his style of greeting.

Number four, you get into a quick, simple conversation with him, and then you excuse yourself. How do you excuse yourself? You say, “Well, I’ve got somewhere to be at 5:00 PM so I’ve got to take off here, but it was really nice seeing you,” bam, out of there.

Keep it short and simple.

Those are your five rules of engagements if you have a genuine run-in with your ex, but then of course we need to look at the broader picture.

**What Does A Successful Run-In Look Like?**

Well, number one, we know it should not be staged. It should be genuine, meaning it should catch you off guard. Number two, we need to strictly follow the rules of engagement. You only want to interact with your ex if you are forced to interact with your ex.

But success, what does that look like? Well, a run-in needs ultimately be kept short, sweet into the point, but ultimately there’s one end goal that you want to leave your ex with and that’s the fact that it should be a positive interaction that leaves your ex wanting more information.

You should be bubbly, you should be happy, you should be smiling a lot.

You should always look good while you’re going out just in case. But more than anything, if you’re in interacting with your ex and you’re keeping it short, sweet, and to the point, and then you’re leaving, he needs to leave that thinking positive things about you.

He also needs to leave that interaction thinking, “What’s going on with her,” so that he becomes more curious. Curiosity is the one thing that will make him go onto Facebook, Facebook stalk you, see what you’re going, see where you’re doing, see what’s up in your life. It gets them thinking about you, and that actually helps during the no-contact rule.

Now, let’s insert the million-dollar question here. Having a genuine run-in, does that mean you have to start no contact over? No. If it’s genuine, that means you don’t need to start it over. If it’s genuine and you followed all of the rules of engagement, you left him with a positive feeling, wanting more information, you just keep doing no contact.

If you’re on day 19, finish up your 30 days or 45 days or 21 days, whatever you chose. But if it’s a staged run-in, you need to start no contact over from the very beginning. It’s tough, because believe it or not, more often than not, we’re dealing with staged run-ins, not genuine run-ins.

I’m left to believe that the person who left the voicemail, Anonymous, her heart is in the right place, but she is manufacturing a staged run-in, and that is something that I cannot recommend that she does.

Now, if it was a genuine one, if she didn’t know he was going to be there, then she could go, but the fact that she knows he’s going to be there, I feel like what’s important is not the fact that it’s a staged run-in, it’s where her mind is.

Notice she called into this podcast asking for help about a staged run-in.

She wants the rules of engagement of how she should act, but one thing that I haven’t told you about people who stage run-ins is that their mind is not capable of following the rules of engagement.

That’s a pretty bold statement by me, but why? Well, it’s because her mind is only going to be thinking about getting her ex back.

It’s only going to be thinking about, “I need this to go well.” She’s going to appear inauthentic.

One thing that I’ve learned in the decade I’ve been doing this is that someone who comes in and organically lets a conversation unfold always ends up appearing more positive to an ex than someone who comes in with prepared material.

So if you’re sitting there and you’re in the middle of the no-contact rule and you are trying to stage your run-in, think twice about it, because it could actually hurt you more than help you.
The post The Rules For Running Into Your Ex During No Contact first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Five Conversations To Have With Your Ex Feb 28, 2020

Show notes

Today we’re going to be dissecting a question I get a lot and that’s what specific things should you be talking about with your ex when you want them back. Overall I’m going to go through five types of conversations you should be aiming to have with them. Small Talk Telling Stories Sharing Opinions Virgin Ground Sharing Feelings This shouldn’t exactly be new since I’ve talked a lot about this before. Now, before I really get started and begin talking about those things, I feel it’s important to mention that if you’re in a space where you’re really kind of confused about what you should be doing next, you should sort of hit the pause button and take a look at a special quiz I put together. The quiz is basically designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting ex back. After you take that quiz, you’ll learn things about what to do next or even if you should be trying to get your ex back. So it’s the ultimate perfect starting point for most everyone listening to this podcast. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Lauren Asks; “What Should I Be Saying To My Ex To Make Our Conversations More Powerful?” Hello, Chris. My name is Lauren, and I first off want to thank you for your website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s helped me immensely in navigating some of the reactions and responses that I get from my ex in our communications. I also really want to thank you for the information about the no contact rule. I did do the no contact rule for 30 days and then when even back into no contact for a while because I just didn’t feel ready after that. But, I am hoping now that you can help me navigate where I am now. My ex and I have been broken up for about five months. We do speak here and there and the interactions are okay, but I’m trying to push through from okay to great so that we can have those kinds of connections that we need in order to build a better relationship because I do believe he’s the one, I believe he believes I’m the one, and I really want to make this work. So I’m hoping you could help. Thank you so much, Chris. I appreciate any input you can give me. Thanks. Bye. A Recap Of Laurens Situation I want to take a minute and thank Lauren for having courage to come on and ask questions that are sometimes a little bit difficult to ask. Now, as always, what I always like to do is go through Lauren’s particular situation just to make sure that in case you guys skipped ahead or in case that I’m … Because I’m answering these organically in the moment, make sure I have a grip on everything that’s going on. So Lauren has been broken up with her ex for five months. She has heard about the no contact rule and has implemented it. But she actually didn’t feel ready when her no contact rule was over to reach out to him, so she stayed in the no contact rule a bit longer and then ended up reaching out to him. They’ve been speaking here and there after their no contact rule, but she can’t really seem to hook into having incredible, meaningful interactions that will move her sort of progress forward. So today we’re going to talk about that. The Correct Way To Start A Conversation I guess I’d first like to start off talking about what we’ve talked a lot in the past about, and that’s how we start a conversation. So if you go through our website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, or even go to our YouTube channel, which is the Chris Seiter YouTube channel, you’ll hear me talking a lot about how to start a conversation with your ex. And that seems to be the big thing, the big buzzword everyone’s sort of obsesses about. We’ve come up with sort of an idea of some of the conversations or starters that you can have. So our kind of idea revolves around this idea of pattern interrupts or having a hook that your ex is going to want to respond to you, and usually that hook has to be something self-interested. Some of the most common examples that we’ve used in the past are starting off a conversation by saying, “Have you heard the news?” A great pattern interrupt, something that sort of has a curiosity hook embedded into it. He gets a text that says, “Hey, have you heard the news?” And immediately that intrigues him to want to respond. Another really common one that we’ve seen work really well is, “I need your help but only really trust you to answer.” This is self-interested, meaning it’s something that sort of strokes his ego a little bit. It also has a really interesting pattern interrupt and a curiosity hook embedded into it. What does she need help with? And then finally, the very first original pattern interrupt, I have a confession to make… Which is sort of a double-edged sword if you don’t really have a great confession to make. So like I’ve said, we’ve talked a lot about how to start conversations in the past. But one thing that we’ve kind of glossed over a little bit, and maybe that’s my fault, but also it’s something that we kind of talk more about in the Ex Recovery Program. And that’s this idea of once you have a conversation started, how do you keep it going? How Do You Keep A Conversation Going Once You’ve Started It? How do you keep it going and organically build value? So that’s the next thing I’d like to talk about. A lot of you guys will … How do I say this nicely? A lot of you guys will force things that really aren’t meant to be forced when you’re having a conversation with your ex. And it’s not hard to see why. You’ve just been through this long period of no contact where you are wanting to talk to your ex so badly. And now that the moment is finally here, you just sort of want to rush to the end. But what’s important for you to understand is that we’re a big believer in Ex Boyfriend Recovery with this idea of building value, but building it in an organic way. So what do I mean by that? Well, ultimately your main goal is to convince your ex-boyfriend that he made a mistake in breaking up with you or that you need to be the number one priority in his life. And you really only do that by building value in his eyes. So the thing that we tell women is that don’t try to accomplish this all in one conversation. I often use this example, which is featured prominently in the Ex Recovery Program, and that’s this concept of tide theory. What Is Tide Theory? Well, the analogy I use so often, you can even see in my a YouTube channel, even on this podcast, and even in the articles I write for Ex Boyfriend Recovery, you’ll hear me talk about this concept of when you go to the beach in the morning, the tide is pushing the waves up the beach at a certain level. If you stay at the beach for the entire day, you’ll notice by end of the day the tide has pushed the waves all the way up to where maybe you had your towel when you went to the beach. This is such an incremental process that you don’t even notice it even as it’s happening. It just happens organically. It happens in such a subtle and minute way that you’re not even aware of it. When we say build value with your ex, that’s what we’re talking about. We want it to be this organic, slow process that’s … And that’s not going to happen overnight. Sometimes it can even take months. But how do you have conversations that does this naturally? So what we’ve done through many different years of research and talking to our clients is we’ve sort of compiled a list of the five types of conversations that you can have with your ex. Now, these conversations range from small talk to sharing feelings, but what’s important is that there’s a certain hierarchy that the conversations sort of fall into. The Five Main Types Of Conversations So, like I said, there’s five main types of conversations that you’re going to have with your ex. It’s important to remember that you’re going to have these conversations at different stages of the process. Because if you try to go from stage one to stage five, you’re just going to fall flat on your face. That’s the big issue we see a lot of women sort of going into. So what are these five types of conversations that will help you build value with your ex? Well, first up we have, Small talk Telling stories Sharing opinions Virgin ground Sharing feelings. Let’s talk a bit more in-depth about these five types of conversations. Dissecting Small Talk Now, what’s interesting is if you start at the beginning with small talk, small talk is a type of conversation that you can have with literally anyone, a stranger on the bus, a stranger that you’ve never talked to at work. You can even have it with your parents, or your lover, or your best friends. Small talk is the universal conversation you can have with anyone, and it’s because there’s nothing risky about it. A perfect example of small talk is, man, we’re having some great weather today. You’re talking about topics throughout small talk that aren’t going to offend anyone. But, small talk more often than not is just usually to hook someone into a conversation. It’s a way to break the ice. Where really value starts to get being built is in the next level of conversation, and that’s telling stories. Dissecting Telling Stories So telling stories, I don’t think I have to do a lot of this, but storytelling is one of the biggest time honored traditions of the human race. It is something that we share with our ancestors when they were cavemen. They would sit around the cave and draw pictures to tell stories or they would sit around the cave and tell stories about their day. Stories captivate us. And stories can do so many things if you have or rather tell a story to your ex. You can tell a story to your ex that makes him interested in talking to you more. You can tell a story to your ex that’s funny, meaningful, insightful, upsetting. There’s so many ways you can do it. But here’s the thing, stories are usually things that you only tell strong acquaintances, I would say. You could tell a story to your boss. You can tell a story to a work colleague. But you’re not going to tell a story to a random stranger on a bus. Usually, they have to get to know you before you’re comfortable telling a story. And the type of story that you tell someone who you’re aware of, someone who’s a friend is going to be different than the type of story that you’re telling to someone that you just met for the first time, for example. You kind of have an idea of what they’re like. It’s not like you met them for the very first time just a minute ago. But maybe you’ve met them and have known their acquaintance for a couple of hours. You’re not going to tell them a super embarrassing, funny story. You’re just going to tell them a story that makes you attractive, a story that makes them want to hear more. Well, think of it like this. When you’re talking and telling stories to your ex, at first, you don’t want to tell them stories that are a little too personal. You want to tell them stories that make them want to hear more. It’s like any good TV show. We call this often the Zeigarnik effect, which is a concept that people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones. So this is a huge thing. I use this example all the time that Hollywood uses as they’re telling stories. Think of one of the most popular TV shows of all time, Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones, every single episode ends on a cliffhanger that makes you say, “I want to know what happens next.” Well, when you tell a story to your ex, that’s what you want him to say. But again, telling stories, you can only get so far with that. So let’s move up to the next rung of the organic value building conversation ladder, and that’s sharing opinions. Dissecting Sharing Opinions Now, sharing opinions is something that you do not do with anyone. The old phrase or the old saying is that you will never … leave politics out of … leave your political beliefs out of meeting someone new because it just always ends up creating friction. That’s because it’s an opinion of yours. So usually you only share opinions when you know the person and know they’re vibing with you. So you’re comfortable sharing opinions with your parents. Oftentimes, we get into arguments with our parents because we want to share our opinions and they don’t let us share our opinions. We’re comfortable sharing our opinions with our friends sometimes. If you’re not comfortable sharing your opinions with your friends, that means you’re not very comfortable around that friend. And most of the time, we’re comfortable sharing our opinions with people who we are romantic with. We want them to be opened up to us. So if you’re at the stage, usually, the biggest mistake people make is when they start … They get through the no contact rule, and they start conversing with their ex over text message or over the phone. They go right and start sharing their opinions. That’s a mistake. Because what you’re supposed to do is break the ice with some small talk, engage them with stories. And sometimes stories can last weeks. You just sort of tell different stories or different things that you learned throughout the day, which is a type of story. That’s all building a foundation of value. Once that foundation is built and you trust in it, that’s when you start sharing your opinions, and it can be an opinion about anything. But generally speaking, you don’t want to go crazy about something that you know for a fact will upset your ex. But, sharing opinions is a way of building on that foundation. But the next one is really the big one, and that’s virgin ground, the fourth rung of the ladder. Notice we haven’t gotten to sharing feelings yet because a huge strong foundation needs to be built before you truly share your feelings with your ex. Dissecting Virgin Ground Now, virgin ground is something that’s a little hard to describe, but here’s the way I try to describe it to most people. You’re looking to get your ex to talk to you about something that he’s never told to anyone before or things that he’s told very few people before. So it’s sort of like only the two of you are in on this secret thing, and that really builds a close connection. And here is the best way to sort of talk on virgin ground. It’s this idea of reciprocation. The last podcast episode I talked about these four pillars of attraction and how one of the pillars was reciprocation. Reciprocation is where when I say I love you I’m expecting them to say I love you too or I love you back. That’s reciprocation. Well, oftentimes, getting an ex to say something or tell you something that he’s never told anyone before can be a little hard. So you have to break the ice first and you have to be the one to share something with him that you’ve never told to anyone before. And that builds sort of a strong bond. And it’s important when you tell your ex something that you never told anyone before you literally follow it with saying, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that before. You’re the first person I’ve ever told.” It makes them feel special and more bonded to you. And what you’re looking for is for them to in turn reciprocate the behavior, to tell you something. Now, the trick here is that you can’t fish for it. Generally speaking, if you’ve done a really amazing job of small talk, you’ve done a really amazing job of telling stories and sharing opinions, it makes them more open to sharing little known details about their life. Then once you’ve built a foundation of those four things, that’s when you share your feelings. Dissecting Sharing Feelings A huge mistake we see people making is jumping right from the no contact rule to sharing feelings. Now, here’s the one prerequisite I tend to tell people when it comes to sharing their feelings. Only do it in person. It’s a lot more meaningful, and it’s not as … You kind of get a gauge on whether or not it’s okay. You can gauge if they’re vibing you. But more often than not, if you’re doing things right, your ex will be the ones sharing their feelings with you first. I can’t tell yo…

Full show notes at the publisher

What To Do If You Act Completely Desperate After A Breakup? Feb 26, 2020

Show notes

Today we’re going to be talking about a situation that one of my podcast listeners, Denise has been struggling with. She has acted completely desperate after her breakup, and she’s a little confused as to how she should approach her situation and what she should do next. And I wanted to feature her particular situation, because I feel like it’s a situation that most of you probably are in. You’ve either acted desperate after your breakup, and you don’t know what to do next. Well today, that’s what we’re going to be talking about. And if you read this article to its end we are also going to cover the following topics. Defining What Desperate Looks Like Why Is Desperate Behavior So Bad? If You Need To Start Over From Square One After Your Breakup The Role No Contact has In Resetting Things To Square One The Four Pillars Of Attraction But before we actually start hearing from Denise, I first want to reiterate that if you haven’t taken our Ex Recovery Chances Quiz, which is a free two minute quiz that we’ve designed, to help you understand what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back, you should stop everything you’re doing take that quiz. It’s a free two minute quiz. And it’s perfect for anyone who’s a newbie, anyone who’s starting out and doesn’t know what they should do, whether that’s getting over their ex boyfriend, or moving on from their ex boyfriend, or even trying to get their ex boyfriend back. Once you understand what kind of chance you have, it’ll give you a little bit of an idea of what route you should be taking. And more than that, we actually give you personalized results or personalized next steps on what you should be doing next, based on your quiz answers. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Denise Has Been Acting Extremely Desperate After Her Breakup Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s hear from Denise. Hi Chris, my name is Denise. My boyfriend and I actually broke up October 17. We got into a really big fight and then I popped up by his house, and then we just got into a really big fight and then we broke up. Ever since the breakup, I’ve been calling, calling, calling. I even popped up at his house a couple of times. I’ve been texting him every day. And then I actually ended up running into him one day while I was out. And I was talking to him or at least trying to make him smile, but he just wasn’t budging I guess. So now, it’s Saturday, December 14th, and I started the no contact rule December 1st, but I feel like every day is getting harder and harder. So what do I do after my no contact rule is over? Please help, I really miss him a lot and I really, really want him back. Okay, so before I get started, and there’s a lot to talk about here, I’d like to give a quick rundown of Denise’s situation just so that I make sure that I’m having it straight before I get started. Because a lot of times, I just sort of end up organically riffing off of what I hear in the moment. Okay. So Denise has broke up with her ex in October, I believe. And the two of them got into a massive fight. What’s interesting is she keeps showing up at his house, which is kind of a big no-no. If you listened to any of my other podcast episodes or read any of my articles, or even gone to our YouTube channel, you’ll know that I’m not a big believer in doing desperate kind of weird things like that. A Quick Recap Of Her Situation She’s been calling him nonstop again, going to his house Texting him like crazy. She actually ran into him while he was out and he seemed completely uncomfortable during that interaction. She’s trying the no contact rule out for the first time, which she should’ve just done originally. So I guess she’s sitting there and wondering, “Well, what do I do next? Now that I’m doing the no contact rule, what happens after it’s over? What am I supposed to do?” Let’s Define What Desperate Behavior Looks Like After A Breakup Okay, so the first thing I’d like to start off with, is this concept of defining what desperate is. So I think we can all agree that Denise has acted a little bit desperate when it came to interacting with her ex after the breakup. They’ve gotten into multiple fights, she’s showing up at his house unannounced, she’s been calling him, texting him like crazy, blowing up his phone. These are all very desperate behaviors, but there’s more desperate behaviors that I guess I want to cover. Because, this is something that we see with our coaching clients all the time, right? So not only do they gnat … Now gnat, if you aren’t familiar with The Ex Boyfriend Recovery way of going about things, gnatting is G-N-A-T, going nuts at texting. So Denise seems kind of like a gnatter, right? She’s showing up at his house unannounced, she’s texting him, blowing up his phone with text messages. These are all very desperate type of behaviors, and she didn’t specify, but one of the most desperate types of behaviors that we see is begging, right? So it’s not enough just to blow up his phone, showing up unannounced. It’s also the types of conversations you’re having with your ex. Anything that can be construed as desperate, which often is begging for them back. “I want you back. I made a mistake,” that whole spiel. Why Is Desperate Behavior Such A Bad Thing? So, why is being desperate … because desperate is such a normal part of the breakup process. Why is it such a bad thing? Because this is something that I don’t think anyone really talks about. It’s just universally looked at as this bad type of behavior. Well, there’s a reason why people think being desperate is not a good idea. After a breakup. You see, if you act desperate, if you beg, you gnat, you show up at his house unannounced, you actually reinforce their decision to remove you from their life. At every point of a relationship, whether the breakup was mutual, or where the breakup was one sided, at some point, deep down, the man is having this internal conversation like, “Okay, I’m removing her from my life.” You shared so much together, some of the most intimate moments you’ve maybe you’ve had together, and he’s making a decision to remove you from his life. Every time you show up unannounced, every time you text him, every time you blow up his phone begging for him back, you reinforce his decision to remove you from his life. And it makes him validated. It makes him think, “Ah, yeah, it was a good decision to remove her from my life.” Is There Such A Thing As Starting From Zero Or Square One? And there’s another concept that I feel like a lot of my peers don’t really talk about this, this idea of starting from zero. So whether you realize it or not, getting an ex back simply boils down to one simple concept. And that’s this idea of leveraging the best moments of your relationship together and minimizing the worst moments of your relationship together. So, oftentimes when you beg, you act desperate or you’re reinforcing their decision to remove you from their life, you’re finding ways to actually reinforce or leverage the worst moments of the relationship. Because fighting, arguments, maybe you have trust issues, all of these things coincide with acting desperate. And it creates this perfect storm where an ex is looking at you like, “Yeah, I don’t want to get into that situation again.” But what do I mean? Because I feel like I’m getting off topic here. What do I mean by when I say starting from zero? Well, a lot of women have this really, really wrong notion about getting an ex back. So a lot of women go into the process thinking, “Okay, well it’s just like I’m starting from zero again. Right? If I get to level 10, that means I’ll have gotten him back.” You break up, so you’re starting back at square one, but it really doesn’t work that way. You see, last week I was asked a question by someone in our private Facebook group, privately. She asked me, she said, “Chris, what would you rather have? Someone who’s just meeting a guy for the first time and is trying to make that guy her boyfriend? Or someone who is trying to get her ex back after they’ve shared a three month long relationship together? And after a while I thought about it and said, “Well, I actually think it’s easier to teach someone to get a boyfriend for the first time, than it is to get an ex back.” Why? Well, so the person who’s never met this boyfriend for the first time, they’re just trying to convince this guy to be in a relationship with them, is truly starting from square one; they’re starting at zero, rather. That’s not the case with a lot of the guys and girls listening to this podcast. You’re trying to get your ex back. That means you’re not starting at square one or square zero, you’re starting at square negative one. You see what you have going against you, are all the negative moments of your relationship. This idea of, you have to find a way to not reinforce your ex’s decision to break up with you. Because most of you, at least from studies we’ve done from people who are actually visiting our website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, 80% of you are coming in, and you’re the ones that have been broken up with. That means you’re starting from negative one, because not only do you have to re-convince an ex to be re-attracted to you again, but you actually have to overcome the mistakes of the first relationship, the trust issues, all of the things, these internal conversations your ex will be having in his head. He’ll be sitting back and thinking, “You know what, I don’t want to get back with her, because.” It’s always a little bit more difficult. Now don’t want that deter you away from trying. I’m just telling you how it is. And actually it’s interesting, because this is why no contact rule is such an important aspect of getting your ex back. The no contact rule is meant to get you closer to that square one or square zero mark. It’s to get you out of the negative and back on neutral ground by using time. The No Contact Rule Can Help Reset Things Back To Square One Now we’ve talked a lot about this concept of the no contact rule over the years, and how there’s many different psychological ramifications for it. It utilizes a psychology, a psychological concept called reactants, by removing a behavioral freedom from your ex, you’re making them more likely to want to respond or reach out or get that freedom back. It’s letting you have time to cool down, letting your ex have time to cool down, putting some distance between you and those negative memories that he’s having of you. The no contact rule won’t get you fully back to square zero or square one, however you define that. But it’s going to get you closer, and that’s an important thing. Because what happens after the no contact rule, is almost definitely, I would say, just as important as the no contact rule itself. So we’ve gone back and forth. Everyone has their different ways of recommending what people should be doing when it comes to, okay … Because Denise, the last question she asked in her voicemail was, “What do I do after the no contact rule is over?” The question she should have been asking is, “How do I get through the no contact rule without any hiccups?” But let’s actually answer her original question. What do you do after the no contact rule is over? The Role The Four Pillars Of Attraction Plays Everyone has their different concepts or different ideas of what they should do. Some people recommend going and seeing your ex right away in person. Other people recommend a strong texting, rigid idea, game plan, whatever you call it. Well we employ something called the Socratic Method. So what we do, is we come up with what we think is the best sort of approach, and then we basically let people go out and they report back to us, and we find out if that approach was the best. So we kind of look at it like this ever evolving science. So I’m not going to say this is the quintessential way that you should be going about it, but from what we’ve learned so far, in all of the strategies that we’ve recommended, this is the best way to go about it. So how do you handle what you should be doing after the no contact rule? So we utilized two concepts called a value ladder and a value chain, right? So what are these two concepts? Well, it’s important, because these are relatively new concepts, and a lot of people haven’t been indoctrinated into this idea of what they are. What Is A Value Ladder? But a value ladder is simply where you are climbing this ladder and adding value every time you climb the ladder. So after the no contact rule, the first rung of this ladder is considered this text messaging phase where you text message your ex, get back on good terms with them, build some attraction, build value. Bam, you’re climbing up one rung of the ladder. The next rung in the ladder is phone conversations, video conversations, whatever you utilize, building attraction there. Bam, moving more value up. You’re on the second rung of the ladder. Third rung of the ladder. Okay. Now that you’ve texted so far, you built value on the phone, you will be moving up to the in person interaction phase. That’s where you see your ex for a non-romantic meetup. Build attraction there, build value there. Bam, you’re on the third rung of the ladder almost to the top. The fourth rung of the ladder is the romantic dates, the romantic dates. You’re building value and attraction there. Bam, you’re at the top of the ladder. By then, you should be at a phase where your ex either asked for you back or you’re in a position where you can insinuate the ask quote unquote. But that’s just a value ladder. That’s just sort of the methods of communication that we recommend that you have in an organic way. What Is The Value Chain? The value chain is something that pairs with the value ladder, it’s the types of conversations that you have. By chaining together specific types of conversations, you can actually move up the value ladder. Because ultimately, when we looked at it, there’s five types of conversations that you’re going to be having. Each conversation becomes more and more intimate as you get through the chain. So the first type of conversation we want you to have is small talk. The second one is sharing stories. The third one, sharing opinions. Fourth, we have virgin ground. Then we have the fifth aspect of the value chain. That’s where you share your feelings. So you pair a value chain and value ladder together and we have this organic way of approaching it. Now it’s a lot more complicated than a simple 20 minute podcast then can detail. That’s why we’ve actually created The Ex Recovery Program, to actually explain this delicate concept of how this is supposed to go. But what we found, just from a bird’s eye view, is that’s what works best. And why? Because it utilizes the four pillars of attraction. The Four Pillars of Attraction So I was watching this really interesting Netflix limited series a couple of weeks ago. It was all about sex, basically all aspects of sex you can imagine. So things like sexual preferences, what we find attractive in another partner, childbirth, birth control, everything you can imagine. Well anyways, I kind of naturally gravitated towards the attraction aspect, because not only did I think it would help me in writing an article or filming a podcast, but I’m always game for learning new things. What’s interesting, and this is something that I’ve seen and have already talked about many times before, but they talked about when it came to attractions, scientists universally agree that there’s these four main pillars. These four main pillars are going to be what makes you attracted to another person and vice versa. And what’s beautiful about the way we’ve structured the value chain and the value ladder, is they actually utilize these four pillars, they’re just embedded within it. So what are these four pillars? Pillar #1: Physical Appearance Well, the first pillar is the most supe…

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This Is Why You Fail To Get Your Ex Back Jan 24, 2020

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Yesterday I was filming a video specifically for one of the new products that I’m created called The Ex Recovery Program. Now, I’m not sitting here to sell you anything, but I was filming this particular program, this particular section in this program and I got inspired. I got so inspired about what I was talking about. I said, “Rules, I’m not going to listen to them.” I think everyone who’s trying to get an ex back or who’s trying to get over an ex needs to hear what I’m about to say. What’s interesting is I’ve been doing this for over a decade. That means I have had a lot of people come through the program. I’ve had a lot of people succeed. I’ve had a lot of people fail. And I’ve been able to notice and pick out certain types of behaviors between people who succeed and people who fail. Most of the time I’m talking about people who succeed, people who go through the program and either get their exes back or have a complete revitalization around their life. They look at life in a new and different way. But that’s not what I’m going to do today. Instead, I’d actually like to turn the camera to the other side, to people who fail and look at those patterns. Look at what those people are doing that isn’t working. And what I’m hoping is anyone who’s watching this who doesn’t have enough money to buy a program or do certain things can watch this. And if they see that they’re implementing these behaviors, they can know they need to change something. They don’t necessarily need to buy something, but they need to change their fundamental approach into how they’re either getting their ex back or moving on from their ex. And the first thing I really want to talk about is this idea of understanding a concept versus implementing a concept. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Reason #1: Understanding Vs. Implementing You see, it’s not enough to simply understand something. The one thing that separates the losers from the winners when it comes to this get your ex back game or get over your ex is people… understanding a concept is easy. It really is. You sit there and listen. I tell you what to do. Someone else tells you what to do and you understand the fundamental reasons for why we’re telling you to do what you’re supposed to do. But that’s not the same thing as you actually going out and implementing that. You see, it’s kind of like a puzzle. Understanding a concept gives you half of the puzzle. Implementing the concept gives you another half. So what I want you to understand is that trying to gain knowledge is only half this battle. It’s up to you to take that knowledge and put it into action. That’s a common theme you’re going to see when I give you these types of behaviors from people who fail. Speaking of which, let’s start talking about that. Reason #2: People Aren’t Willing To Own Their Actions A common behavior that we see from someone who fails is they aren’t willing to own their actions. I talk often about how when exes go through a breakup, they often like to paint themselves as the victims. They like to make it all about them even if they were the ones to break up with you. But I’ve also noticed a pretty jarring pattern emerging between people that I work with who aren’t willing to own their actions, whether that be in the relationship with their ex or whether that be what they’re doing. They’re so easy to blame someone else for their lack of success that they have no peace of mind or function of looking at themselves. In the end, I can lead you to the water, but I can’t make you drink it. I can give you the best pieces of advice, but if you don’t implement that advice the way it’s meant to be implemented, it’s not my fault. It’s really yours. The people who succeed own their actions. When they make a mistake, they are able to take a step back and say, “You know what, that’s on me.” They don’t paint themselves as the victims. Painting yourself as a victim always means you’re blaming someone else. And if you’re blaming someone else, that doesn’t really translate really well into relationships when it’s all about working together for the common good. And in this case, hopefully the common good is that you’re winning your ex back. Or in this case, maybe it’s coming to a realization that you no longer want your ex back. And if you’re not willing to own your actions, if you’re not willing to take responsibility, nothing can really help you. So that’s one of the most common behaviors I’ve noticed. Reason #3: Not Relying On The Right Types Of People Another common behavior is people aren’t willing to rely on the right types of people. Now, what do we mean by that? Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, if you’re going through a breakup and you’re talking to a friend or family member, they aren’t necessarily the most supportive, especially if you tell them you’re thinking of getting your ex back. What’s interesting is because you have such trust in your friends, you have such trust in your family, you know them better than you’ll ever know me, you’re much more willing to take what they say to heart as opposed to what I say. Which is interesting because I’ve been doing this for a decade. I’ve been doing this for every day of my life for over 10 years. Your friends and family have not, they haven’t seen what’s working. They haven’t seen what’s working. Everything that I ever recommend to you is not something I just made up out of thin air. At one point maybe that’s true, but I always went out and tested it. I always said, “Hey, try this out and report back to me and see what the results are.” And if those results are positive, I tested out even more. And if I keep getting those positive results, next thing I know, I think, you know what? This might actually work. I try to view getting an ex back or even moving on from an ex as a science. I put it through the Socratic method or the scientific method. I constantly create a hypothesis and test the hypothesis. Your friends and family aren’t necessarily doing that. They’re giving you age old advice that sounds like it’s right. And sometimes they’re not even supportive at all where they’ll just simply say, “Hey, there’s other fish in the sea. Move on.” Which is not what you want to hear. It’s important that you listen to the right people and the right people are always those who have experience, who have done it before. That’s also why I keep pushing people to get into our private Facebook group. Why? Well, it’s not because I think it’s not going to help them. It’s because it’s going to put them in an environment where everyone is on the same level, where everyone is experiencing much of the same types of emotions. Listen to someone who’s actually gotten their ex back, not someone who hasn’t. Reason #4: Not Willing To Look At The Big Picture Another huge reason that people fail in ex recovery is they aren’t willing to look at the big picture. Now, this one’s really self-explanatory, but I think maybe it’s important for me to explain it to you because this is something we go through life sometimes with blinders on and fail to look at big pictures. When I’m talking about looking at big pictures, I’m not talking about creating a game plan. I’m talking about understanding the game plan as a whole. Understanding why you’re doing the things you’re doing right now. Most people only have a tendency to look at the next step and they often judge success based on that next step. But again, it’s kind of like a puzzle. You’re judging the whole picture of a puzzle based on one singular puzzle piece. That’s not a smart thing to do and sometimes, no, not sometimes. Almost all the time, everyone who has gone through this process, who has been in your shoes is going to fail. They will. Things will not go their way. Maybe they think I’ve got the perfect text message. They send it out to their ex and it doesn’t work. No response. Now, people who look at the big picture understand, okay, well, if that happens, here’s what I need to do. But people who often aren’t looking at the big picture take that as the end of the world. “Oh, my chances are completely over. Oh, I’m waiting too long.” It doesn’t work that way. Take a bigger, broader view. Run a marathon, not a sprint. Reason #5: Work The Program Another huge reason people fail is they aren’t willing to work the program. Again, earlier I talked about this idea of, look, I’m trying to view ex recovery as a science. It’s an imperfect science, sure, but there’s a reason why we’ve gotten so many successes. Why people are willing to come on and do one-on-one interviews with us. Why people are willing to buy our products continually. And it’s not because we just made everything up out of thin air. It’s because we tested everything that we’re recommending for people to do. Now, some people come in with what we call a fixed mindset. They come in believing that they won’t be able to get their ex back, believing that they won’t be able to live without their ex. And no matter what you do, you cannot do anything to change that mindset. No matter how many success stories you show people like that, they’ll still have that innate belief that they won’t be able to win their ex back. They still have that innate belief that if they don’t get their ex back, it’s the end of the world. They won’t be able to survive. People with fixed mindsets will fail more often than not. What we try to encourage and develop our clients into being is having a growth mindset, willing to be open to possibilities, willing to be open to change, which I’m going to talk about in a minute. In order to do that, you have to work and trust in the program that we’ve created and the advice that me, any of the coaches, any of the moderators in the Facebook group are recommending to you. It’s not because we don’t think you are capable of doing it, it’s because sometimes you don’t know the way and we do. Reason #6: Not Setting Clear Goals Another really, really big reason people fail is they don’t recognize the importance of being able to set clear goals. I talked a bit in the big picture section about this idea of looking at the puzzle as a whole, not judging success based on one small failure. But often you also have to work in tandem or in parallel with this idea of being able to set a clear goal. When I come up to people and I say, “Okay, what is your goal?” They’ll say, “I want my ex back.” But clear, that’s not clear. Clear, when we’re talking about clear goals, we’re talking about specific. Your overall goal is probably always going to be, “Hey, I want to move on from this,” or, “Hey, I want my ex back.” But that’s not a clear goal. That’s your overall goal. A clear goal is, “You know what? By next week I am going to get a positive response from my ex.” But here’s the other thing. People who set clear specific goals often have a tendency to freak out when they don’t hit those goals. Why? Well, it’s this relationship we have with failure. A lot of people believe that we’re born in a society that only rewards success it feels like. No. Some people can debate on that, and I could even debate on that a little bit because sometimes even early ages were given, “Hey, here’s a participation trophy.” Which I think is a horrible thing to do because it devalues the actual people who won. But that’s another rant for later. Here’s the thing. People who are afraid of failure will never grow because you learn more from your failures than you do from your successes. Anyone who succeed at anything in life will not have an epiphany, will not have a grow moment. They’ll have a fixed moment. They’ll say, “Ooh, I like this success. I’m not going to continue to evolve. I’m just going to try to keep doing what I’m doing.” And so they continue to do what they do and maybe they have more success, which in turn creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, but eventually the success will stop. And when they face failure for the first time in their lives, they freak out and they don’t know how to deal with it. People who are successful at this process are those who embrace failure, who take the failure as a learning experience. I’ve even gotten to the point where when I fail at something in life, I’m no longer that upset. Sure I can get upset just like anyone else, but I look at it as a growing moment. This is a moment where I can learn something. What did I learn from this failure? Hmm. Okay. Well, I did this thing and it didn’t work. Or I tried this little business strategy, hmm, it fell flat on its face. Before I would just get so upset about failing a business or something like that. I would go and play video games for a week, but now I look at it like, “Oh, okay, what can this failure teach me?” And sometimes that’s why we need to set clear goals. We’re all little scientists throughout this process. We go through it. We’re trying different things out and when we fail, rather than getting upset, the smarter thing to do is to take that failure and say, “What did this teach me?” Reason #7: Not Being Able To Track Their Progress Another really, really big reason people fail at this program is they’re not willing to track their progress. Before I was talking about this idea of embracing failure, but oftentimes one of the best way, if you’re going to take a scientific approach to embracing failure, you’re going to learn from it, is you need to be willing to track your progress. Human memory is not as perfect as you think. And what’s interesting is people who track their progress are able to see why things failed as opposed to why things didn’t fail. They’re able to see what’s working and what’s not working. This is a great exercise you can practice when you’re texting. Take something as basic as counting the amount of times that your ex reaches out to you first versus the amount of times that you reach out to him first. Now, if you notice that there’s like a 2:1 ratio where you’re reaching out two times to his reaching out one time, you know, okay, this is what I need to be working on. I need to be working about evening that ratio up so he’s reaching out to me first as many times as I’m reaching out to him first. You can even do this with who ends the conversation first. I’ve often said, well, don’t focus so much on who starts a conversation but focus more on who ends a conversation. If you’re the one ending the conversation all the time, this is a really great thing because you are forcing him to want more. You’re forcing and putting him in a position where, okay, you know what? I wanted that conversation to go longer and it got cut of. And then maybe he starts reaching out to you more. But you’ll never know that if you’re not tracking your progress Reason #8: Not Holding Themselves Accountable Another huge reason people fail is they aren’t willing to hold themselves accountable. Now, this is a little bit different from being willing to work the program. People who aren’t willing to hold themselves accountable are people who often have really poor discipline. What do I mean by that? Well, the no contact rule is something that we talk a lot about because it’s one of the most effective strategies that you can employ when it comes to winning an ex back. But our estimations are that 80% of people who will attempt the no contact rule will fail it. Meaning they’ll break it. They’ll reach out to their ex first or they’ll cave when he reaches out first or she reaches out first, whatever your situation may be. The people who don’t fail in the no contact rule are the people who find ways to hold themselves accountable. They either block their ex’s number or they erase their ex’s number and give it to a trusted friend and tell that friend, “Hey, no matter how much I beg, plead, whatever, if I ask for that number, you do not give it back.” And then they erase the number from the phone and they don’t know his number. So next thing they know, they have no temptation to reach out because they c…

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The Real Life Story Of How One Woman Got Her Ex To Marry Her Jan 09, 2020

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Today we are going to be talking about marriage. Specifically how one woman convinced her ex to take her back and eventually propose to her. I talk to to Loan Pham who not only went through the program to get her ex back but she actually just got back from her honeymoon. So, whether you’re struggling with your ex or you are just interested in her story you are definitely going to get something powerful from this one on one interview with one of our best success stories. The Interview Transcript Chris Seiter:And it’s begin. Okay. So, today we’re going to be talking to someone really, really special, Loan, who not only got her ex back but is now currently married to him and just got back from her honeymoon where she was telling me she went to all of these different places from the Philippines to Japan for a month straight. So, she’s a little jet-lagged, but she’s been living the life lately. How are you doing Loan? Loan Pham:I’m doing great. A little tired, but great. Chris Seiter:So, let’s just start by talking about your situation and you were telling me a really interesting story before we started the recording about your ex before the EBR or ERP, however, you’re denouncing that ex that you got back and are now married to. Why don’t you just start from the beginning and tell us sort of the whirlwind romance that led to this marriage? Loan Pham:Well, when I met I guess my EBR ex, it wasn’t anything new because every guy that I’d met before, I’ve always been right, pretty honest from the get-go that I was living next door to my ex before that. And so, it was a little bit of an awkward arrangement, but he kind of stuck around because I guess he felt that I was worth it, and he was chasing me. And so, I was pretty cautious being that it took me a very, very long time to get away from my previous guy. I don’t know, It was five years, I believe it was somewhere around there, and we were together for seven years previous to that. So, I’m not really sure where you want me to go with this. Chris Seiter:Oh, well, so basically your EBR ex is chasing you, knowing that you’re living next to your ex ex and how did it unfold to the point where you gave him a chance and you started dating to when you guys broke up and what were some of the reasons behind the breakup? Loan Pham:Well, he chased for a while and then I finally just gave in and said, “You know what? Let’s just give it a try and see what happens.” Because when I initially met him, believe it or not, we met off of Tinder and- Chris Seiter:Much more common these days than you’d realize. Loan Pham:Yeah, now it is. But I guess it’s been almost five years since I’ve known him now and the Tinder thing back then was pretty new still. Chris Seiter:Yeah. That’s true. Loan Pham:Yeah. And so, we did our Starbucks meet up and then apparently my understanding was that he had never been in a relationship before. So, there was a girl before him, and he labeled her the trial girlfriend. And we’re a lot older in age. At the time when I met him, he was 30. I want to say 33, and very inexperienced when it came to relationships because he was a player pretty much before. Chris Seiter:Okay. Got it. Loan Pham:And so, when he started chasing me, I was just kind of like, “I don’t know. I’m not looking for anything like that. I’m looking for something serious.” And he said that he was ready to try and settle down. He was done with the playing around and such, and he really wanted to know what it was like to have a girlfriend hence the trial girlfriend before me. Chris Seiter:The trial girlfriend. Loan Pham:He labeled her the trial girlfriend, and they were together for, I think he said it was like somewhere on an off for… I don’t know, seven months or something like that. He was pretty honest with me. He told me everything, right? He didn’t really treat her very well either, and so I kind of was upset with him about not treating her well. Chris Seiter:It makes you a little bit leery about even giving them a chance. Loan Pham:Exactly. But at that point I was like, “you know what, I’ve learned not to chase, so let’s see what happens. If he keeps chasing me it means that you know, he’s interested and maybe to keep his attention, I will just keep letting him chase me.” And he told me later on, he goes, I was probably the most difficult girl that he’s ever met to try to get. I was like… Because I guess later on I found out from his friends that they labeled him the closer, I don’t know if you understand what that means. Chris Seiter:No. I got it. I got it. Loan Pham:But I didn’t, but I kind of figured that out afterwards so to say. Chris Seiter:Did you have to ask your girlfriends what does this mean or did you ask him directly? Loan Pham:I asked him. He was really embarrassed when his friend Ashley brought it up in front of us because we were having dinner with a group of his friends, and then they called him the closer. And I looked at him like, “what does that mean?” And then he’s looking at his friend, he’s like, “Shut up.” I don’t know why he’s starting to turn beat red, right? And so, I guess that’s kind of when I really knew that he actually genuinely liked me because he’s getting embarrassed about it. Chris Seiter:Yeah. Loan Pham:Yeah. And so, I gave him a chance. And he put up with a lot with the ex next door and the drama that was being created between the two of us. Chris Seiter:In a weird way, it might’ve kept him honest. Loan Pham:Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Well, we were really open and honest from the very beginning and that was just something that I had set in place because I’m not really the jealous type. So, I was fine with listening to his stories about the exes and stuff and just kind of understanding everything because my take on the whole situation is you are a byproduct of your experiences. So, listening to it and understanding why he is the way he is from his previous experiences with other girls and whatnot, kind of made me understand him more. And I felt like if he could hear me and listen to me talk about the ex and talk about my experiences and stuff like that, he has accepted me for who I am. So, I guess it just started like that. Chris Seiter:So, you’re dating and how long do you date before basically this breakup occurs? Loan Pham:We were together for a little over two years. Chris Seiter:So, pretty long time. Loan Pham:Yeah. I think leading up to the breakup, we had been fighting for probably about six months on and off. Chris Seiter:Was the fighting about the ex next door or other trivial matters? Loan Pham:Partly, it was the ex next door, but I think he was just frustrated because there were certain things that I didn’t want to do to upset my ex and because I had to live next door to him, I had to deal with it when he wasn’t around. But it also had to do with a lot of him not really understanding what a relationship was because he had in his mind what the perfect relationship should be. And because we were fighting, he started to, I guess in his mind he was building up to all the excuses leading up to the breakup. Chris Seiter:Okay. Loan Pham:So, he’s like, “Oh, okay. Well, she’s like this. Oh, she’s like that. She won’t listen to this, or we’re fighting about this,” and that sort of thing. And he’s just kept like a bank of all this stuff and it just kind of added up into the breakup. And I think after we celebrated our second year anniversary, and then I was fighting with him because I wasn’t getting enough of quality time with him because we were so busy. When I met him, I had actually just started my master’s degree, and I think three months after I met him, I quit my job. It was just one of those things where I had been with the company for over eight years and I decided that I needed a change, and I was going back to school, so I was getting really stressed out. And so, I wanted to focus on school. And then during that time I also got diagnosed with a medical condition. So, between hospital visits, and my health being compromised, and the stress of school, and the ex, everything, it just kind of added up. Loan Pham:And I was under a lot of pressure and a lot of stress, and I was acting out. And he didn’t understand that I needed his support because he wasn’t giving it to me. Instead, he was kind of like, “Oh, well, you’re being antisocial. You never want to go out,” and all this other stuff. And I was trying to explain to him that it’s not that I don’t want to go out, it’s just I’m always tired because of my medical condition. We’re going through therapy and all this other stuff trying to figure out the proper treatments for me, and in the meantime, I’m suffering and then I’m dealing with school full time and all those other things, all those factors, work. Chris Seiter:So, it’s just like building up all of this stuff. Loan Pham:It was building up. Chris Seiter:You know they say when it rains, it pours. I’ve found that to be true. Loan Pham:And he didn’t understand any of that. And so, he was being really selfish and saying, “You need to come out with me more. You need to hang out with my friends. You need to talk to my friends. You can’t keep going home or falling asleep.” And eventually, we figured out that due to my condition, I became really low iron, so I was sleeping 16-hour days and still not being able to function. Chris Seiter:Yeah, that’s pretty rough. Loan Pham:Yeah. So, I was having a really, really hard time. And I guess he kind of gave up on us because he didn’t realize that this was where I needed him most. And so, our last straw was I said to him, I go, “We really need quality time for each other.” So, after we celebrated our second year anniversary and my birthday, he broke up with me. I think it was a week after my birthday, and we had gone away for the weekend for my birthday, just to try to have some quality time. Chris Seiter:Did things seem good when you went away or was it a little stressed? Loan Pham:I can’t say that it was perfect, but I felt like we were getting somewhere and then somewhere out of the blue. I don’t know what happened. Came back and I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I think we got into a tiny little argument over something really stupid. And then the next thing I know he, messages me from work, and he’s just like, “Oh, we need to talk.” Right? And then he came over to my place and walked through the door and basically just said, “We need to break up.” And he goes, “I’ve made up my decision. I don’t feel the way I should about you anymore. I don’t think that we could ever be together ever again. I just don’t feel that love for you anymore.” Chris Seiter:Does he say like there’s no chance we’ll ever get back together again? Loan Pham:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Something like that. Loan Pham:Yeah. He did. He says, “I fallen out of love with you. I don’t think I’ll ever fall back into love with you.” He goes, “I really care about you still. I want us to be friends, but we can’t be together anymore. There’s no chance for us down the road.” Chris Seiter:Now, here’s what I find fascinating is after he says this to you, do you take it at face value or do you kind of be like BS? Loan Pham:For me, I was kind of expecting that we would probably end up having a break because I really needed the break from the stress of everything. And when he said that I just took it for what it was. I didn’t really fight with him. I just basically said, “Well, you’ve made up your decision, there’s really no point in me trying to beg you back or change your mind because you’ve already made up your mind. So, if we have nothing else to say then you might as well just go.” And so, he left and that was it. Chris Seiter:So, this is where it gets interesting. What is the immediate reaction that you have after this? Like it seems to me initially when this happens, you’re kind of like, “Well, okay. Fine, go. I could use the break.” But at what point do you even start considering like, “Maybe I should try to fight for this?” Loan Pham:Well, after he left, I had a good cry. I actually- Chris Seiter:Oh, okay. So, you’re not as immune as… Okay. Loan Pham:And I thought about it and then I got really upset, and I was just like, “This is stupid. Well, I need- Chris Seiter:Was it like an instant thing where you’re jumping online and looking for answers or did it take a few days before you actually do something like that? Loan Pham:I kind of just let it simmer and that night I was just like, “Oh, shoot. What do I do? Is it really over?” And then at the same time, I had my thesis that I was working on and it was due soon, so I was really stressed out. I really couldn’t really think about the relationship too much. But I think it wasn’t until probably two, three days later that it actually hit me. Chris Seiter:Okay. Loan Pham:Yeah. And at that point, when he left- Chris Seiter:Did he contact you at all during those two or three days or was it just stony silence? Loan Pham:It was silent, but I did text him the next day just to tell him that I understood where he was coming from, and if that’s what he wanted then we’ll just leave it at that. And we didn’t talk again for probably a week or so I guess. And it was just like a quick message basically. And then I don’t know what happened during that time, it’s been a little while now because that break up was probably about two and a half years ago I think. Chris Seiter:Right. Loan Pham:Yeah. And I just remember kind of sort of going nuts. Feeling like this is so dumb. Why’d he break up, why’d he give up on us? It shouldn’t be over. We could have worked through all this stuff because it was all trivial. Everything that he was talking about was all trivial stuff that we could’ve gotten through together. It wasn’t worth it for a breakup. And so, his mom actually reached out to me probably about two weeks after the breakup. And I thought it was the oddest thing because her and I, we didn’t really have a relationship, but we talked. And she reached out wanting to meet up, and I was just like, “Is this a good idea? Does your son know?” And apparently I found out later that both his mom and dad were kind of on my side about the whole situation thinking he kind of jumped the gun and left. Chris Seiter:Wow. That’s rare. Loan Pham:Yeah. So, we talked about it and his mom and dad actually sat down with him and had a chat with him about it telling him relationships are not always perfect and it’s how you two deal with it and run with it. And if you really think you’re worth it for each other, then you work through everything. And I think before he broke up with me, I found out later from his mom was that he actually did sit down with his parents to tell his parents that he was going to break up with me. Chris Seiter:So, he holds his parents at a very high esteem to do something like that. Loan Pham:I guess. Chris Seiter:Like he- Loan Pham:I mean, he’s never brought a girl home before. I’m the first girl he’s ever brought home. Chris Seiter:Okay. Okay. All good signs. Loan Pham:Yeah. Chris Seiter:Okay. So, you’re going through the breakup and eventually at some point you come across probably ex-boyfriend recovery, I’m guessing is what you came across. Loan Pham:Yeah. Chris Seiter:How did that occur? Do you reach the boiling point to where you’re just going online and searching for answers? Loan Pham:Yeah, that’s what I did. I was just like, “This is ridiculous. It doesn’t make any sense.” So, in between doing my schooling and everything, anytime to fill a void, I was online searching because I didn’t feel like it was over. I felt like he jumped the gun. Chris Seiter:So, you’re searching every key phrase you could possibly imagine. Loan Pham:Everything. Yeah. And then when I came across it, I was reading everything that popped up with EBR and you guys kept popping up on all my searches. Chris Seiter:That’s good. That’s what we want. Loan Pham:And so, I’m like, “You know what? I’m going to give this a try.” So,…

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If Your Intuition Is Telling You He Will Come Back, Don’t Ignore It Dec 10, 2019

Show notes

Hello, and welcome to another great episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if your intuition or your gut is telling you that your ex is going to come back. And how maybe, just maybe you shouldn’t ignore that. But I would be remiss if I didn’t first introduce you to the ultimate starting point that I think everyone who’s even considering getting an ex back, or wanting to move on from an ex should start. And that’s by hopping over to our website at exboyfriendrecovery.com and taking our ex recovery chances quiz. Now a little bit about the quiz, the quiz we designed in three parts, specifically to ask you probing questions about your relationships so that we can get to the bottom of taking those questions and then comparing them to the average situation that we see. And how often those average situations get their ex’s back. So it’s a great way of putting your answers through a sophisticated algorithm and spitting out a score, that’s an approximate idea of if you should be trying to get your ex back or if you should be trying to move on. So again, if you’re interested in taking that quiz, all you have to do is stop by our website, exboyfriendrecovery.com. And all the information will be there on the homepage for you. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Should You Trust Your Intuition If Your Gut Is Telling You That Your Ex Will Come Back? Okay. So intuition, if your gut feeling is telling you that your ex is going to come back, maybe you shouldn’t ignore it. So I’m a firm believer in logic and looking at reality, and the intuition side of things is almost the exact opposite of that. Oftentimes you’ll hear from people who have their ex’s come back to them. They’ll say something like, “I just had a feeling he would come back.” Or, “My gut is telling me this is not over. My gut is telling me I need to keep trying.” And also you’ll have those people who say that, but they’re not looking at their situation in a clear manner. They really have no chance of getting their ex back. Well, let’s look at intuition as a whole. And intuition by nature is a pseudo science. Often people will call it hocus-pocus, it’s sort of the psychic side of things. But let’s look at what is commonly referred to as women’s intuition. Which is ironic because I think it’s usually men that are calling them… that are labeling it that way. So what does research indicate about intuition, specifically when it comes to women? Well, research has clearly shown that nonverbal communication skills within women as a group are better. They’re better at reading facial expressions of emotions than men. They’re also seen as more empathic than men, and that they’re more likely to see themselves as more empathic. Therefore, they tend to be more open to others, emotional messages, nonverbal cues, things of that nature. Women seem to have a headstart on men. The Main Difference Between Men, Women And Intuition And I find this extremely fascinating and I think I’m a really, really good person to point this fact out, is the fact that I do have two websites. One for men, and one for women. Now the women’s website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery versus the men website, Ex Girlfriend Recovery. The women’s website is obviously so much bigger because there’s not only more women out there searching for help, but it’s just the website I started first. So it’s obviously has more of my soul poured into it. So that may be one of the reasons why it’s more successful. But what’s interesting is I have a lot of data between how women act when they go through breakups and how men act when they go through breakups. And for the most part, the reactions are exactly the same. I mean breakups are one of the more stressful aspects when people are going through it in general. So it’s not shocking to see men and women act the same way. But there are some really, really interesting differences that I noticed. The first difference I noticed is that women actually struggle more of a starting things, right? They have a have a lot of struggle with creating a spark, sparking up a conversation, sparking up a relationship. Starting the rapport building to rebuild attraction and things of that nature. Whereas men don’t really struggle with that. And my theory has always been that men, because they are… There’s this socially acceptable nature in which men, they’re basically the people or the person in the relationship that takes the lead. It’s socially acceptable for that. So by nature it seems normal for them. Women necessarily aren’t. Now what’s interesting though is the opposite is true when it comes to keeping things started, right? So men tend to struggle not with starting things up, not with starting a conversation or starting the attraction building process. They struggle with keeping their ex’s interested. They struggle with keeping things going, so to speak. Now, what does that tell us about intuition? Well, I’m not really sure it tells us much to be honest with you. Other than the fact that when it comes to starting things up with an ex, women seem to have a clear disadvantage, right? But maybe, I guess the point of why I’m trying to explain this to you very, very poorly if I might add. Is that maybe men struggle more with keeping things started because they aren’t as adept at reading nonverbal communication skills. They’re not as adept at reading between the lines which women seem to specialize in. And maybe that specialization, the nonverbal communication skills, the empathic side of them allows women’s intuition to be stronger, which allows them to keep things started much more adeptly than men. But when it comes to intuition, I think it’s kind of impossible to ignore the fact of statistically, what does the average sort of thing happen when it comes to breakups? How often do ex’s try to get back together? How often are ex’s thinking about their partners? How often are they staying friends? Well, it just so happens for this particular podcast episode. I wanted to do just that. So I went through and found some very, very reputable sources and looked at how on point women’s intuition was when it came to breakups. What Do Statistics Say About Your Overall Chances With Your Ex? So here’s the first thing that stuck out to me. NBC did a poll maybe 10, 15 years ago where they surveyed people and asked them, “Well, how often have you stayed friends with their ex?” And 48% of people that they surveyed had said, “Yeah. I have stayed friends with my ex.” While 18% of people said, “Well, I tried to stay friends with my ex, but it didn’t work out.” So if you’re actually doing the math, that means after a breakup there’s a 66… According to NBC at least, there’s a 66% chance that your ex is going to be open to staying friends with you. And what’s interesting is maybe the intuition a lot of women have is also from the fact that research has clearly pointed out that staying friends with an ex, usually only ends in one of two ways. Now I say usually because there are always outliers to it, but usually ends with a reconnection or another sort of break of the friendship. Now here’s the other interesting thing. YourTango, the website YourTango, also did a poll a few years ago where they asked their readers, “Well, how often do you guys think about your ex?” And 71% of people said that they thought about their exes too much. And one of my favorite studies, I think that was done maybe in 2014 or 2015, is We TV did a poll, where they asked their exes, “Well, how many times have you guys actually gotten back together?” And 41% of people admitted that getting back together with an ex happened in their lives. (Source Of Research) So when people or women… When I hear women saying, “Yeah. I have this intuition, my gut is telling me he’s going to come back.” Statistically the statistics are on your side. Now I’m always really quick to point out that these polls don’t exactly measure the thing that we really want measured is, how often do ex’s get back together? Well, one thing I do have tons of measurement on are our success rates. And I am very, very candid about them because I like to be honest with people. A lot of people actually believe the odds are stacked against them. And that’s kind of true. But one thing we have made clear so far, at least I hope I’ve made clear in the research portion of this sort of podcast episode, is that a lot of people try to be friends with their ex. A lot of people think about their ex’s too much. And even though it’s not a… Even though it seems kind of low, 41% of people have admitted to getting back together with an ex. So at the very least your ex is probably open to talking and being friends. But what does a success rate look like when you’re actually attempting to get your ex back and you’re using the strategies that we teach? So over the course of, I think this year maybe we haven’t had that many, but we’ve taken on… I’ve been injured for most of this year, so most of them this year has been me trying to recover from three surgeries. I don’t know if I opened up on the podcast and told anyone that, but that’s what’s been going on with me. But anyways, over the course of this year, we’ve taken on 10 high value clients. Now these are clients that are not normal. And what I mean by that is, normally we do one-on-one coaching sessions over the phone. We usually do an hour, to an hour and a half. But for people who pay top, top, top dollar that we’ve been working with for months and months and much months, we’re responding to all of their messages all the time, we’re holding their hand throughout the entire process. For those people, we estimate… Not estimate, seven out of the 10 have gotten their ex’s back, right? So that’s, if you are trying to get your ex’s back, the odds are actually better than you think. So that still kind of skirts the issue of intuition and what I personally believe about intuition. Now, one thing I’ve tried to move Ex Boyfriend Recovery towards or the ex Recovery program, or any of my little relationship empire towards is this idea of logic, and how we’re going to make informed decisions based on logic. Intuition Vs. Logic Well, here’s the funny thing. Intuition is the exact opposite of logic, isn’t it? I mean if you were to add it, or look at it as a spectrum, intuition would be on one end and the logic would be on the other end. They just sort of don’t coincide. But what’s interesting I find is that I can’t tell you how often that the people who have success in winning their ex’s back, assuming that’s what they want to do. Well, will say something along the lines of, “I don’t know why I said that.” Or, “I don’t know why I did that. I just felt that it would work.” Or, “I can’t really explain to you Chris, why I said this certain text to him that sort of sent him off in a positive way. I just felt that it would work.” So I think there is a time for intuition. I think there is a time for trusting your gut, but I think the ultimate goal should be for everyone who’s going through this process is to try to trust your gut in a logical way. So it’s kind of like finding a balance between both logic and intuition. And oftentimes I think everyone is connected to their intuition, but often they don’t label it as intuition. We’ll say, “It just felt right.” Well sometimes, and this is especially true when you’re reconnecting with your ex, you’re talking to them again and you’re trying to rebuild connection with them, or attraction with them. That’s like I said, where most women shine. And I think they shine because they are able to trust their gut. Whereas men have maybe a little bit of a harder time because they don’t have that honed in intuition. They’re not great at picking up nonverbal cues. They’re not even great at picking up texting cues or things of that nature, where I can’t tell you how often women in our private Facebook support group are literally dissecting everything that their ex is sending them through a text message. And trying to understand it and they’re getting all sorts of views from all sorts of other women, and a few men as well. So I think trusting your gut is an important thing to do once you are in the proper place. Now what do I mean by that? The proper place? Well, the worst thing… The biggest mistake that I see people making always happens around the no contact rule. They’re either breaking it too early or finding an excuse to break it early. So I think what’s important is at the beginning you just almost want to be clinically logical, right? Because you do not want to break the no contact rule for a trivial reason. But after the no contact rules over, after you feel like you’re in a better place emotionally and you do start talking to your ex again. And you get into a conversation if you feel the flow is right. I think it’s okay to trust your gut sometimes. I’m always saying adaptation is the one thing that I’ve seen successful people do, that unsuccessful people don’t do. Unsuccessful people are too book wormish. I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but they don’t allow conversations to unfold organically. And I think that’s more of an intuition or gut type of a feeling. So if you’re sitting there and you feel, “I feel like he is going to come back.” I think it might be okay to trust your gut. Don’t ignore it.The post If Your Intuition Is Telling You He Will Come Back, Don’t Ignore It first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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