The Art of Charm

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762: 3 Signs That it's Time for Change | Transformation Toolbox 1 Jun 03, 2019

Show notes

Transformation can be accidental or intentional, but if you are going to change and grow as a person, wouldn’t you want to have a say in how you grow and who you become?

What to Listen For

Why are only the courageous drawn to self-development?
How do you turn envy into a motivator rather than trying to hide it or eliminate it?
What question can you ask yourself to make feelings of envy work for you?
What is experiential avoidance and how is it correlated with low levels of life satisfaction?
What are “doomers” and “bloomers” and how do doomers become bloomers?
What should be your next move if you reach a point in your life and realize you haven’t accomplished anything?
Why might procrastination be doing more damage to your future than you think, and what can you do about it?
If you want to change your future, where is the best place to start and why might it not be the place you think?
What is the difference between living life on the offense and living life on the defense, and why does one of the two make it far more difficult to achieve your goals?
How does the pursuit of self-actualization lead to a snowball effect?
What is the 5-5-5 technique and how can it prevent you from falling into a powerless state of mind?

Self-development is only for the courageous. You must have the courage to face yourself and be honest about who you are and what you want. You must have the courage to identify your weaknesses and ask for help so you know where to start and what to work on. You must have the courage to live life on the offense so you can take intentional steps every single day toward who you want to become, even if it means falling and getting back on the horse.

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Resources from this Episode

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Procrastination and the priority of short-term mood regulation

Episode 718 with Chris “Drama” Pfaff - Overcoming Social Anxiety in Your Career

Power affects performance when the pressure is on: evidence for low-power threat and high-power lift

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Dr Laura Berman on Facebook

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761: 5 Ways to Approach Dating Meaningfully | Q&A w/ Dr. Laura Berman May 28, 2019

Show notes

Where do you even begin if you want to get better at meeting people? Improving your communication skills is an excellent place to start. Communication is important in relationships, and even more important when dating. We’ll dig into best practices, tips and strategies for dating and meeting new people with Dr Laura Berman.

What to Listen For

What drew Dr. Laura Berman to relationship and sex therapy?
What is the current state of sex ed in schools and why is it so inadequate?
How does porn affect the way you get aroused and why is it doing more harm than good?
What is the fundamental problem with the paradox of choice when it comes to dating and dating apps?
Why is it so important to think about how you want someone to make you feel and how does clarifying that make dating easier?
Can you use DNA to find your perfect match?
What is the best way for you to approach dating in the #MeToo era?
How quickly should you move from dating app to meeting and why is it risky to draw it out?
Where can you practice conversational skills in low-risk areas and what happens if you don’t practice these skills?
How should you go into dating as a parent and why is it so different?
If you are dating as a parent, when is the best time to bring up that you have a child?
What can I do if my mind goes blank every time I try to talk to someone I’m interested in?
How do you keep the intimacy going in a long term relationship?
What is the biggest behavioral predictor of sexual health in a relationship?
What is the “want” underlying the desire to “spice it up” in the bedroom?
What do you do if you realize your partner is no longer attracted to you?
How do you rewrite your story so you can break out of dating the same type of people?

Remember: A big part of having good communication is being honest with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you know what you like and don’t like, you know what you’re good at and what you’re not. That automatically filters out potential dates or relationships that come racing in from your dating app. And if you are honest with other people about who you are and what you want, it makes it easier for them to decide whether or not they want to keep spending time together.

Being honest with yourself and with other people saves you headaches, confusion, and time - and time is the most valuable thing we have as human beings.

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Resources from this Episode

Dr Laura Berman

Quantum Love by Dr Laura Berman

Dr Laura Berman on Twitter

Dr Laura Berman on Instagram

Dr Laura Berman on YouTube

Uncovered Podcast with Dr Laura Berman

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Geoffrey Miller’s website

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760: Parents, Part 1: Motherhood and Transformation May 24, 2019

Show notes

This month and next, we decided to dedicate two episodes to parents and the valuable role parenting plays in our development as social beings.

On this episode, AJ and Johnny speak with Dr. Alexandra Sacks, about Matrescence - the transition a woman goes through when she becomes a mother. You might be thinking, "well we call that pregnancy," but matrescence is broader than just the changes a mother goes through during pregnancy.

Just as teenagers go through hormonal change and a reshaping of identity, matrescence operates in a similar fashion. Understanding and preparing for this life chapter can bring a more rich and meaningful experience to parenthood.

Dr. Sacks is a reproductive psychiatrist at Columbia University Medical Center and Host of a new podcast called, Motherhood Sessions.

gimletmedia.com/shows/motherhood-sessions

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759: Dr. Geoffrey Miller on 5 Signals to Send When Dating May 20, 2019

Show notes

Dating can seem like a torturous uphill battle for many men and women, but it doesn’t have to be - understanding how and why we are attracted to one another can have a significant positive impact on your ability to find happiness in your love life, but how do you take the science behind attraction and use it to make dating fun and engaging?

What is signaling theory?
What are fitness indicators and why are they so important to understand in the dating scenario?
What scientifically is shown to make you more attractive in terms of signaling?
How much of our behavior is guided by natural selection and what does the answer imply about humanity?
When you want to dance in a social setting, what is more important than being able to dance well?
What are many people doing wrong when it comes to their profiles on dating apps?
What should you include in your dating app profile?
Should you get professional photos done to use on dating apps?
Why are we entering a new era of dating and what can you do to ensure you’re able to adapt?
Why is working out a crucial foundation to start with when it comes to working on yourself from a self-development perspective?
What is a tender defender and why should you aspire to it?
What does it mean to stay true to yourself and how might you be interpreting it in a way that sabotages your behavior?
As a parent, how do you create an environment for your child to develop grit, success, and resilience when they reach the dating age?

Remember that you are alive today because every one of your ancestors was able to find a partner and start a family. You have the genetics to find the relationship you want, but it will likely take work to find it. Not only is it important for you to want to work on yourself for the sake of striving to be the best version of yourself, but it’s also important for potential partners to see that in you, so they know you are open to new ideas and experiences as well as always wanting to work on being the best partner.

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Resources from this Episode

The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Episode 742: The Hidden Power of Relationships

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758: Three Top Tips to Dating May 13, 2019

Show notes

Understanding social cues and nonverbal communication is arguably more important now than ever - but what does it mean to communicate with someone nonverbally, how much can you say with the delivery of words and the way you carry yourself compared to the words themselves, and why is it important to continue developing your social skills outside of dating and meeting people?

What to Listen For

Is dating really just a numbers game?
Why is initial chemistry a terrible way of determining compatibility and what should you look at instead?
Why is the 20th-century version of dating no longer applicable in today’s way of life?
How can you experience something together on the first date that contributes to cultivating chemistry?
Why is physical contact so important when it comes to getting to know someone you’re interested in?
What should you pay attention to when it comes to flirting, and what are most people incorrectly paying attention to?
How does your body language communicate more about you than what you say and how do you improve it so you don’t self-sabotage when meeting someone you’re genuinely interested in?
How do you listen with your eyes and ears and why is it so important when it comes to understanding what someone is communicating?
How do many of us view flirting in a conversation and how is it doing more harm than good?
What should you focus on when flirting with someone you’re interested in?
How do you pick up on when someone is flirting with you?
What signals can you look for to know when someone is interested in you?
What is the difference between negative, neutral, and positive body language and when is each one important to display in a conversation?

Social skills are arguably more important now than ever because of the way we have allowed technology to augment the way we communicate. We have mistakenly assumed the words we speak or write are the most valuable aspect of communication, and as a result, we aren’t impressing upon younger generations just how important it is to communicate with eye contact, tonality, physical contact, body language, and everything else that goes along with the words we use.

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Resources from this Episode

Episode 743: Relationship Goals: Love, Friends & Work

Episode 744: Dating Done Right With Evan Marc Katz

Episode 757: The New Rules to Dating

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Episode 742: The Hidden Power of Relationships

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757: The New Rules to Dating May 06, 2019

Show notes

Dating has evolved due to the influence of technology and the way we communicate - but has the evolution been for the good of all, are all these options helping or hindering us, and why is it still just as important to meet face to face instead of trying to connect via text?

What to Listen For

How do dating apps remove the fun from dating and what can you do to make dating fun again?
How do you create chemistry with someone you’re interested in?
What are the three ways you can meet someone you might want to date?
How do you decide where to meet new people who are more likely to be compatible with you?
What are you doing to sabotage yourself every time you go out to meet new people?
How do you become addicted to falling in love and what can you do if you feel you are?
What is limerence and how does it prevent you from building healthy relationships?
Texting is effective in 2 primary ways, so what are they and why should you avoid using it for other reasons?
How can too much texting set you up for failure before meeting up with someone?

The smartphone had a drastic impact on meeting new people and building connections. Texting has become the default form of communication for many, and now you can find new “matches” whenever you have a moment to open an app and glance at some pictures before swiping left or right. But meeting people through apps is just one of three ways you can expand your social circle and improve your dating life, and while texting is convenient, it is still vastly inferior to having a conversation face to face.

This can put many of you in a situation where you’re always searching for that rush of meeting someone new. Unfortunately, when that rush dissipates and you don’t feel invested it can be too easy to simply find a new match, leading to many surface-level interactions instead of genuine long-lasting connections. There’s nothing wrong with surface-level interactions, but if you do want more meaningful connections then it’s important to take the time to get to know people and spend time with them in person.

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Resources from this Episode

Episode 743: Relationship Goals: Love, Friends & Work

Episode 744: Dating Done Right With Evan Marc Katz

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Jill Coleman on Instagram

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756: Vulnerability: A Key to a Successful Relationship | Q&A w/ Jill Coleman Apr 29, 2019

Show notes

Relationships are built on trust, but that trust must be maintained over the years with intentional conversations to ensure that both people are on the same page - but how do you approach those conversations in a way that is healthy and promotes open & honest communication so that both of you are comfortable discussing uncomfortable topics?t

What to Listen For

How did Jill Coleman get into the fitness industry and find her calling?
What can you do to overcome the negativity when it comes to having a public life?
How many relationships actually survive infidelity?
What can you look for to know whether or not it’s worth it to build a friendship with an ex-partner?
What are the 2 parts to communication and why will your relationship fail if you don’t understand them?
How do you stay focused on improving yourself rather than getting caught up in trying to fix other people?
What is the difference between making something your fault and taking responsibility for it?
What is the 3 S system to have an honest conversation about something you’re struggling to discuss?
How do you set boundaries with someone when you’re not sure what the relationship is?
How do you know when to have the conversation about intentions and expectations with someone you’re dating?
If you’re feeling jealous or insecure about your partner, should you be honest about it?
Why is it important to be able to trust yourself before you can trust other people?
How do you deal with toxic relationships when there are children involved?

Trust is an interesting facet of human interaction. We learn about people by having conversations with them, seeing how they react to a variety of events and circumstances, and understanding the way they make us feel. Trust is something that can take weeks, months, or years to build, can be lost in a moment, and sometimes can never be rebuilt.

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Resources from this Episode

Jill Fit website

The Best Life Podcast

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Life Lessons from the Oldest and Wisest

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755: Life Advice: From the Oldest and the Wisest Apr 22, 2019

Show notes

Many of us tend to overlook one of the greatest sources of wisdom in our lives - our elders - but how much can you learn from one simple conversation, what can you do to better connect with your elders, and what are the secrets to a long and happy life?

What to Listen For

Why is it important to maintain relationships with our elders and what can we learn from them, even in a technology dominated world?
Are older generations facing the same level of loneliness that modern generations seem to be facing en masse?
What do the elderly point to as secrets to a longer and happier life?
What is one simple act you can do every time you run into someone you know that can strengthen the bond between you two?
If you’re looking for a mentor, what can you do to approach an elder you’re interested in learning from?
How do you connect with people from older generations if you feel you have nothing in common?
What can you do to mend broken relationships before it’s too late?
What simple mental exercise can you do to develop your sense of empathy when it comes to getting to know your elders?

We live in an interesting time in human history. In many cultures around the world and for as far back as we can tell, the elders in a community have been revered for their experience and wisdom. But now, if you live in a country like the United States, you have undoubtedly seen or heard of our elders being treated as if they are “extra weight” we have to live with as a society. Retirement homes and nursing homes are ripe with older generations who are treated like stubborn patients rather than the wise and experienced members of society they are.

But there is so much we can learn from our elders. The stories they can tell are the stories of past lives, of struggle and adversity, and the lessons only decades of experience can teach us. Remember the next time you encounter one of your elders, that reaching old age can feel lonely for many people. Friends have passed away. Family members and loved ones might only be checking in on occasion. Our elders are an untapped resource and need our presence in their lives just as much as we unknowingly need theirs.

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Proper Cloth makes it EASY for men to buy dress shirts that fit perfectly without setting foot in a store or paying a fortune. Get $20 off your first custom shirt by going to propercloth.com/aoc

Resources from this Episode

David Romanelli

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

Episode 729: Self-esteem is Bullshit

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754: Steven Hayes on Why Craving Pain is Human Apr 15, 2019

Show notes

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one of the most effective methods to increase psychological flexibility - but what exactly is ACT, how can it decrease the suffering in your life, and why is it so crucial to leading a happy and fulfilling life, especially in this day and age?

What to Listen For

What is the bus driver metaphor and how can you use it to prevent your thoughts and feelings from controlling you?
What is ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and why is it so effective?
What one question can you ask yourself to determine why something is important to you?
Why is it important to us to experience the full range of emotions, rather than just the good ones?
How can you learn to appreciate negative feelings just as much as positive ones so you can decrease the suffering in your life?
What can you do to turn negative feelings (like anxiety) into a guiding compass for what you want in life?
What has been the biggest challenge with the way our lives have been infused with technology and what can you do to lessen the negative impacts?
How dominant is the comparison of more versus less in our heads?
What is the best way to start overcoming your anxiety, and why might it seem counterintuitive at first?
What simple exercise can you do to transform your mental state whenever you want?

Pain is unavoidable. One could argue it is the most important stimulus for change and growth in a person’s life. And if pain is that important, then having a mindset or method for dealing with pain can only benefit you in the long run. If you allow yourself to get hung up on painful moments and refuse to learn from them, then you will only increase the suffering you experience.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps individuals to shift their perspective on pain and suffering by improving their psychological flexibility. Think of it as a tree in a storm. If that tree is stiff, it will eventually snap under enough stress, but if the tree is flexible, no matter how hard the wind blows, the tree will simply bend until the storm has passed.

Do you want to snap under the stress of life? Or do you want to bend, and come out the other side stronger and wiser?

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Resources from this Episode

Steven Hayes

Episode 727: Sugar Ray Leonard

Mental Brakes to Avoid Mental Breaks | Steven Hayes | TEDx

How love turns pain into purpose | Steven Hayes | TEDx

Check in with AJ and Johnny!