The Art of Charm

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743: Relationship Goals: Love, Friends & Work Feb 11, 2019

Show notes

Smartphones and the apps that exist on them have blown the doors wide open when it comes to creating options in your dating life as well as giving you the (sometimes false) perception of keeping in touch with friends. But what are the drawbacks of relying on all these algorithms to meet new people, how can you ensure you’re actually nurturing the personal and professional relationships you already have, and what does the science tell us about the current state of our social lives?

What to Listen For

Are you more likely to meet your significant other on your own or through friends, and what does this mean for you?
How have dating apps both improved and damaged the world of dating?
Why can information overload have a negative impact on your love life and what can you do to control it?
What are emotional bids and how can you use them to improve the relationships in your life, both platonic and romantic?
What are Glue Guys/Girls and how do they hold teams together in a corporate/work environment, and what can you do to become one, reducing your chance of getting laid off and increasing your chance of getting that raise/promotion?
How do gratitude and asking for help play an important role in the formation of strong bonds, and how can you start using both today to improve your relationships?
Why is the act of validating others’ feelings so powerful, whether in a personal or professional setting, and why should you start doing it immediately?
What one thing can you do to defuse gossip on the spot when someone can’t seem to stop gossiping to you about someone?

At a surface level, romantic and professional relationships couldn’t appear more different: the intimacy, the way you speak to one another, the activities you engage in, etc.

But the beauty of human connection is on a fundamental level we all want the same things. We want to be appreciated, we want to be valued, and we want to feel as if our thoughts and feelings matter.

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Resources from this Episode

“The National Survey of Health and Social Life” aka The Chicago Sex Survey

Why Emotional Connection Makes or Breaks a Relationship Episode 719

Turning Toward Emotion Episode 720

How to Improve Your Workplace Communication Episode 721

What Matters Most in a Difficult Conversation Episode 722

Wall Street Journal: Baseball’s Winning Glue Guys

Beyond Reciprocity: Gratitude and Relationships in Everyday Life

Social Isolation in America

Psychopath, Sociopath, or Idiots:

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

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742: The Hidden Power of Relationships Feb 04, 2019

Show notes

Filtering the right people into your life is a skill that can set you on the path to success if you can do it well, and failure if you do it poorly - but how do other people have such a strong influence on your life and what can you do to make sure the people in your life aren’t leading you down a road to failure and discontent?

What to Listen For

How do the people you surround yourself impact your ability to be happy and accomplish your goals?
How can your life be influenced by the friends of friends you don’t even know and what can you do to mitigate the harm they cause?
What are “value vampires” and how can you recognize them early on so they don’t waste your valuable time and energy?
What does it mean to be a high value individual and how can your pursuit of it help you avoid pain, suffering, and massive hits to your confidence?
What do high value individuals do that set them apart from others and lead them to be pursued by everyone else?
What is a “friend audit” and how can you perform one to ensure you’re not spending time with the wrong people who are bringing you down or holding you back?
Can you avoid the influence people around you have (especially when you work with them all day)?
What is the difference between gossiping and venting and why is one dangerous while the other is healthy?
What one question can you use to disarm people who try to gossip with you and shift the conversation into a constructive direction?

When you allow a low value people into your life, you don’t just bring them into your life, but their friends, their problems, baggage, low value behavior, and values and beliefs. We as humans are influenced by our surroundings more than we think, and it can be a scary thought to confront the possibility that the people closest to you are doing the most harm when it comes to your ability to move forward in life and be happy. As scary and as hard as it might be, performing an audit of your social circle could be the first step in helping you achieve your goals and/or get unstuck if you feel your progress has stalled for a while.

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Resources from this Episode

Episode 693: Identifying Low Value Behaviors

Episode 694: Becoming High Value

Episode 719: Why Emotional Connection Makes or Breaks a Relationship

Episode 738: What Defines Happiness

Episode 739: The Key to Happiness

Episode 740: How Defined Values Lead to Long-term Happiness

Episode 741: Train Your “Happy” | Q&A w/ Christoph Schnedlitz of hiMoment

hiMoment App

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741: Train Your "Happy" | Q&A w/ Christoph Schnedlitz of hiMoment Jan 28, 2019

Show notes

Happiness is not a destination, but what does it mean to enjoy the journey, especially when the journey is bound to have rough patches, and what daily habit can you start doing now to make the journey a happy one?

What to Listen For

How can journaling improve your overall happiness and what one question can you use as a prompt everyday to get you started on the right track?
Why do the big moments we look forward to (graduation, wedding, promotion, etc) have little to no impact on our overall happiness?
Is the difference between happy people and unhappy people the events in their lives or the way they perceive the events?
If happiness is a choice, what can you do to maximize that choice?
How do your friends, family, and coworkers influence your ability to be happy?
If you’re going through a break up, what can you do to help mitigate the pain and sadness you feel so you don’t get stuck?
How can striving for success for the wrong reasons lead to you failing to be happy?
What is contributing to all of the misinformation about happiness?
How do you deal with the endless potential comparison forced upon us by social media?

Your happiness is like a muscle, one that needs regular training in order to get stronger and one that can atrophy if it is left alone for too long. You’re not going to get stronger if you train once or twice a year, so when it comes to your happiness, you’re not going to get happier if you rely on the occasional event throughout the year.

The biggest difference between happy people and unhappy people is not the events in their lives, but the way they perceive the events in their lives. If you allow the events to determine how happy you can be, you’ll never be as happy as someone who decides to be happy regardless of the events in their lives.

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Resources from this Episode

Episode 738: What Defines Happiness

Episode 739: The Key to Happiness

Episode 740: How Defined Values Lead to Long-term Happiness

hiMoment App

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740: How Defined Values Lead to Long-term Happiness | w/ Russ Harris Jan 21, 2019

Show notes

Happiness is not meant to be a permanent state you exist in, but if you’re not meant to just feel good all the time, what is the end goal of creating our happiness and how do we approach the inevitable pain and suffering we all face in life?

What to Listen For

Why can negative emotions be your best friend when it comes to your happiness?
Russ Harris debunks the popular myths about happiness and explains how they can actually lead you to be miserable
In what ways are meaning and purpose related to your ability to maintain your happiness in the long term?
How does Russ Harris define a rich and meaningful life that leads to an overall feeling of happiness?
What can you do to be more comfortable and accepting of “negative” emotions and how does doing so help you avoid suffering?
What is the difference between values, virtues, and morals?
Why is it so important to define your values if you want to lead a rich and meaningful life full of happiness?
Russ Harris explains what the “reality gap” and “reality slap” are and how your awareness of them can lead you to better handle life’s challenges
What is the magic wand question and how can you use it to narrow down your most important values
How do you translate values into goals and action plans to ensure you don’t stagnate?4

One of the most popular myths revolving around happiness is this idea that once you “achieve” it you’ll transcend feelings like anger, sadness, pain, and hate, but these are all part of the full depth of human experience. To attempt to remove them from your experience is to remove a part of your humanity. We utilize all of our feelings and emotions to better understand ourselves and the world we live in.

Instead, we want to change the way we look at such emotions, strive to understand what is causing you to feel unpleasant emotions, and make better choices about how you respond to them when you start feeling them. Finally, we want to learn to look inward for explanations instead of reacting outward with blame and spite.

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Resources from this Episode

The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris

Mindfulness Myths on YouTube

The Choice Point on YouTube

ACT Questions and Answers: A Practitioner's Guide to 150 Common Sticking Points in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Russ Harris

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739: The Key to Happiness? Quality Relationships Jan 14, 2019

Show notes

Happiness is one of those ideas that has an endless number of quotes about where it comes from (and where it does not). We’ve heard many of them so many times we just wave them off and roll our eyes before jumping back on the hamster wheel and chasing the next piece of cheese, completely unaware of the trap we put ourselves in, but what does science say about what makes us happy, what do you need to start focusing on today in order to achieve your happiness, and what must you be aware of in order to give yourself the best chance of a long, healthy, and happy life?

What to Listen For

Why is it so difficult for us as humans to determine what makes us happy?
AJ explains why reaching milestones in life or attaining your goals does not equate to overall happiness
How has technology seemingly put happiness further out of reach?
Johnny explains how cognitive biases keep us from achieving true happiness
What is “miswanting” and why do we constantly sabotage ourselves by doing it?
What is the Harvard Study on Adult Development and how can you use the findings to achieve your own happiness?
How are happiness & health connected and what can you start doing today so you don’t lose both?
AJ explains why our focus on achievement as a society can be detrimental to our development when we’re young
Why are relationships so beneficial to our health and how can you determine whether or not yours are?
If you are lonely, why can it be more difficult to find the resources to build the connections science has shown to be so vital to our long term health and happiness?
Why is rejection and the handling of it so valuable in today’s society, especially if you don’t want to be lonely and unhappy?
What are the physiological benefits of spending time with people you care about?

There is an obvious reason reaching your goals or buying the next great thing does not bring you happiness - if only one thing in your life changes, the other 99% of your life is still the same. You can’t change one thing or achieve one thing or buy one thing and think it’s going to improve every other part of your life. Even if you could “upgrade” every part of your environment you’d still be the same person but with different surroundings, so if you’re not happy now, all those upgrades aren’t going to change who you are inside.

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Resources from this Episode

Episode 738: What Defines Happiness

Harvard study, almost 80 years old, has proved that embracing community helps us live longer, and be happier

Social Isolation in America: Changes in Core Discussion Networks over Two Decades

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738: What Defines Happiness Jan 07, 2019

Show notes

It’s fair to say that happiness is one of the most important goals we can pursue in life because not much else matters if you’re not deriving some happiness from this journey we are all on - but how do we define happiness, what can we do to improve our overall happiness, and how might we be sabotaging ourselves in the pursuit of it?

What to Listen For

What is the definition of happiness?
What is the difference between contentment and pleasure with how they relate to your pursuit of happiness?
How does having meaning in your life weave into your ability to be happy?
AJ and Johnny explain the significance of being present and how it demands regular practice in order to make it stick
What are the three primary influencing factors in your happiness?
How important are the circumstances in which you live when it comes to your overall happiness?
Are your genetics the biggest or smallest contributor to our happiness?
Why are your mindset and actions the most important factor of happiness even though they’re not the biggest contributing factor?
If happiness comes down to leading a good, meaningful life then how do you design such a life to maximize your happiness?
What is the Vice-Joy-Dedication Gradient and how does it relate to your ability to find purpose and meaning in life?
What do all the successful individuals we look up to have in common and how can you implement it immediately?
How can you find meaning in your work if you hate what you do?
On average, what percentage of our waking lives do we spend daydreaming and how does it impact our ability to be happy and successful?

Attaining and maintaining happiness in life is about much more than the simple joy we feel when we engage in acts and events that bring us pleasure. Much of it comes down to the why behind our actions and goals.

If we don’t have a deeper motivation for our day to day lives we can struggle to find happiness in the sometimes seemingly insignificant things we do, like a job you hate but one you need in order to get to the one you want, or suffering through brutal workouts in order to maintain your health and achieve your fitness goals.

Always be willing to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” until you can get to a point where there is no deeper answer.

A Word From Our Sponsors

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Resources from this Episode

736: How to Rewire your Brain for Success | w/ Lisa Wimberger

735: The Best Ways to Rewrite Bad Habits w/ Charles Duhigg

Happiness: it’s not just your genes, stupid!

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport

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737: Your Favorite Interviews from 2018 Dec 31, 2018

Show notes

You asked and we answered! We took the three highest rated interviews from 2018 and put them into a special New Years Eve episode just for you! We kick it off with the powerhouse David Goggins, the former Navy SEAL, ultramarathon runner, and author of “Can’t Hurt Me.” We think he’s the best voice to listen to when you can’t get your ass out of bed. He has a lot to say about committing to yourself.

Next up is our interview with Dr. Steven Hayes, the leading clinical psychologist in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - which is all about authentically accepting who you are and working on the best parts of you. Dr. Hayes dispels the “boosting self-esteem myth” and then offers a great alternative that helps everyone (including us!) work through life’s challenging moments.

Finally, we leave you with the crazy conversation we had with power investor and entrepreneur Oren Klaff. He’s going to take you into the “Croc” brain and explain why it has an iron grip on your behavior in social settings - he’ll even let you know how to use it to your advantage.

We loved having you join us this year as the Art of Charm Podcast tried out some new things. Don’t forget to chime in and tell us what YOU want us to explore in 2019. We love your feedback and your questions, so drop us a line at www.theartofhcharm.com/questions.

Happy New Year! - AJ, Johnny, and the entire Art of Charm Team

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736: How to Rewire your Brain for Success | w/ Lisa Wimberger Dec 24, 2018

Show notes

Building new habits is typically not as simple as doing something different each day - sometimes we need to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves, and that’s where neurosculpting comes in, but what is neurosculpting? how can we use it to our advantage? and what can we start doing today to begin removing the barriers in our minds that stop us from developing the habits for the success?

What to Listen For

Lisa tells the story of how her experience with seizures led her to dive headfirst into neurosculpting
What is neurosculpting and how can you use Lisa’s methods to develop healthy habits and rewrite the stories in your life that are holding you back from success and happiness?
How can one simple act dissipate the stress & tension throughout your body and allow you to roll with the punches of life?
What does it mean to “orient to safety” and how can you use it to help prevent failure in building a new habit?
How can you train yourself so fear no longer stands in your way?
What are the 5 steps to rewriting the stories that are stopping you from building new habits?
Lisa explains the best way to develop a morning routine by approaching the bedtime routine first
How can you take advantage of neuroplasticity to amplify the reinforcement of new habits?
What can you do if building a new habit is encroaching on your partner’s routine and/or expectations?

Neurosculpting is a 5-step meditation process developed to take advantage of neuroplasticity, defined as the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust activities in response to new situations or to changes in an environment.

When it comes to building new habits, you can use neurosculpting to reinforce the building of new patterns in your brain. Using neurosculpting in place of a brute force approach allows you to rewire your brain much faster and more efficiently, giving you more control over your life, happiness, and success.

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Resources from this Episode

“Neurosculpting: A Whole-Brain Approach to Heal Trauma, Rewrite Limiting Beliefs, and Find Wholeness” by Lisa Wimberger

“New Beliefs, New Brain: Free Yourself from Stress and Fear” by Lisa Wimberger

The Neurosculpting Institute

Charles Duhigg | Smarter Faster Better (Episode 552)

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735: The Best Ways to Rewrite Bad Habits w/ Charles Duhigg Dec 17, 2018

Show notes

Building a new habit can be difficult if you approach it with the wrong tools and misinformation, but what does the science tell us about forming new habits, what are the right tools you need when it comes to successful habit building, and what can you start doing today to make sure you’re not getting in your own way?

What to Listen For

Why is the community you surround yourself with so important to the development of new habits and the perpetuation of bad ones?
Charles Duhigg explains why standard to-do lists are terrible for productivity and what an effective replacement looks like
What is the habit loop and how can you use the knowledge of it to change any habit you want?
How can you use the science of small wins to start making changes to your habits immediately?
What are some tricks you can use to stay motivated when building a new habit or breaking an old one?
How are intentional choices related to motivation when it comes to the psychology of routine and satisfaction?
Why is it almost impossible to “break” a habit and what should we do instead if we want to get rid of bad habits?
How can you determine the cues of bad habits so you can take them into account and prevent the bad habits from being triggered in the first place?
Charles Duhigg explains the one thing ex-smokers do that stops them from relapsing
What are mental models and how is our ability to create them directly related to our success in life?

Many of us are led to believe the formation of new habits is accomplished through a brute force approach via willpower, aka that it is entirely internal. However, the science behind habit building says otherwise - our external environment and the people around us play a significant role.

If you build an environment conducive to success it becomes infinitely easier to develop new habits and replace old ones. This can mean anything from identifying the cues that trigger bad habits and removing them, or replacing the bad habit with a good one. It can also mean surrounding yourself with a community that focuses on the habit you’re trying to build - for example, joining a weekly meetup group for writers instead of relying on your own willpower to sit down and write consistently.

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Resources from this Episode

"The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg

“Smart Faster Better” by Charles Duhigg

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734: 3 Phases of Habit Building You Need to Know Dec 10, 2018

Show notes

Building (or breaking) a new habit can effectively be broken into 3 different phases, each with its own challenge which can prevent you from reaching the next one - but what are the 3 phases, how can awareness of each one assist you, and is a new habit locked in once you reach the 3rd phase?

What to Listen For

What are the three phases of efficiently building new habits?
How long is the “honeymoon” phase of building a new habit and what can you do to ensure you don’t fail immediately after?
What is the “fight thru” phase of habit building and how can you use knowledge of it to your advantage?
What 2 simple questions can you ask yourself everyday to keep you on track?
Why are contingency plans vital to developing and maintaining strong habits?
How do you make sure the success of building one habit doesn’t lead you to be lazy when it comes to maintaining it?
AJ explains how you can actually revert back through the phases of habit building if you’re not careful and intentional about continuing to work on them
Where does self-compassion enter the equation of habit building and how can the lack of it lead you to fail?
How can habits impede progress toward your larger goals and what can you do to mitigate the interference?
AJ and Johnny explain how to use regular goal setting, intentional novelty, and the celebration of small victories to compound your development of great habits

Building new habits is an ongoing process that requires your daily attention and effort in order to succeed. When first starting a new habit it can be easy to get caught up in the immediate rewards of progress - notice by friends and coworkers and changes in mood and feeling to give a couple examples. After the first phase, however, it becomes more challenging and it can be easy to fail unless you set your mind to the process.

Finally, once you push through the second phase into the last phase, your job is not over, because now you must work at maintaining the new habit. Set goals to keep challenging yourself, find friends or family to keep you accountable by challenging each other, and introduce novelty in whatever habit you’re trying to maintain to ensure it doesn’t get boring.

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Resources from this Episode

“Habit Formation: The 21-Day Myth” by Jason Selk

Self-esteem is Bullshit (Episode 729)

Master Your Mindset with David Goggins (Episode 730)

Goals: How to Pick ‘em & Achieve ’em | Chris Tye-Walker (Episode 732)

“How Habits Can Get in the Way of Your Goals” by Catherine Benner

Habits in Everyday Life: Thought, Emotion, and Action

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