Let’s be honest:
Your inner critic can be brutal.
And after a while, it can wear you down.
We all have that version of ourselves that we wish would just go away.
The version that preys on our insecurities, takes us away from our goals, and generally makes us feel not so nice.
I call that your Inner-Bitch.
We’ve talked a lot about (what I call) the weight of the weight. There’s 4 of them in total, and we briefly touched on #2 in another episode: the weight of walking around with your Inner bitch running the show.
Specifically....
The 'weight' of harsh judgements, self-criticism, guilt, shame, blame, comparison-itus, and perfectionism that lives in our Self-Image & Self-Talk.
(AND the EMOTION that typically comes alongside food...and it doesn’t have to)
If you have a voice in your head :
- That voice judging you based on what or how much you do or don’t eat…
- That voice telling you that “this is just how you are” or “this is how you’ll always be”
- That inner-critic whispering in your ear all the things you are NOT doing, reminding you of what you DON’T like about yourself, or all the ways you’re FAILING.
- That voice telling you you’re not enough– that you’ll never skinny enough, successful enough, pretty enough, good enough – enough period.
I call that your inner Bitch, and THAT is the real weight that needs to be ditched. You’ve got to stop feeding her.
In last week’s episode of the podcast, I told you all about the 5 Ingredients that (I wholeheartedly believe) comprise your Self-Image.
I definitely invite all women to go define these ingredients for themselves, because we all have our own unique recipe.
As in: MY recipe won’t work for you, and YOURS won’t work for me.. We all need our own.
But before I can get into the in’s and outs of THAT with my clients, I believe it’s really important that they understand what's STANDING IN THEIR WAY from having a powerful and loving and confident Self-Image.
And that’s what this episode is dedicated to helping you discover: What’s standing in your way (and what to do about it).
So without further ado...
How to ditch YOUR Inner Bitch in 5 Easy Steps:
Step #1. Ditch the Guilt
Guilt says: “I ate a cookie. That act or sin was "bad"wrong or unhealthy”.” (The word guilt literally means "sin/crime".)
Guilt and shame are reactions on the same continuum. They share the same data or"the account of what actually happened": (I ate the cookie in this example.). They simply entail different summaries, meanings, or translations of that event.
Are you calling food, fat, calories, or carbs bad or good? Is it healthy or unhealthy? Should or shouldn't. Again these hard and fast rules about food and the diet mentality are almost always going to cause guilt as a by product. Be super mindful of your language and where guilt is becoming a weapon against yourself.
And this is just another example where it’s not the food that’s the problem -- it’s who you’re being while you’re eating... and the framework and ‘diet mentality’ that’s causing it. And of course I’m talking about food, but it’s true with anything.
Step #2. Ditch the Shame.
Shame is feeling bad about who you ARE based on what you did. Calling yourself names, living in an emotional home where you’re ashamed of who you are because of something that you did.
Eating that cupcake does not mean that you are ‘weak-willed’ or a ‘self-sabotager’. In fact nothing about what you do or don’t do has to mean anything about who you are as a person, but that’s the part that we are walking around not even realizing.
Here’s the reality, I’m not telling you that you need to love all of your decisions or actions, but you don’t need to confuse your actions with who you are either. You also don’t need to apologize for how you feel, and you certainly don’t need to apologize for your past, hide yourself, disgrace yourself, or shame yourself for what you did or didn’t do.
Step #3. Ditch the Blame
Blame can show up in a number of ways. Whether it's pinning faults on yourself, someone else, or something else, it doesn't actually change or solve anything and it essentially gives up ownership of your life. It also keeps you focusing on the past or focusing on the problem itself. (and you know we create more of what we focus on)
The only way to truly own your life is to take RADICAL ownership and responsibility for it -- but notice I didn’t say blame. Sometimes things happen and there is no logical explanation, and it doesn’t need to be anyone’s fault per se -- it could just be something that happened -- even if we don’t like it.
Next time you are looking to assign blame to someone or something, ask yourself: “Will this really change anything?”. Then focus on what you CAN influence, what you CAN do about the situation, and how you DO want to feel.
Step #4. Ditch the Comparison
Compare literally means ‘to liken or rival’. Let’s nip this one in the butt, shall we? There is no one like you, never has been, and never will be. There is no competition or fight or rivalry. And if there is one –it’s not real….at least it doesn't have to be. It's in your head – – and most likely it is not serving you.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, and I believe this couldn't be more true. Comparison can be a valuable tool. It can help us create distinctions in our mind, figure out our own preferences, and generally help us detect apples from oranges. BUt...Comparison can also be used as a weapon to judge, shame, and critique ourselves (and others). Comparison to what you shoulda, woulda, or coulda done…or where you should be, would be, or could be. It can easily turn someone, something, or some experience into a negative or harmful encounter if you are not aware.
What if you just started owning the fact that you are uniquely you and you’re not meant to be a carbon copy of someone else? What if you noticed the differences you share between yourself and someone else, but didn’t use it as a weapon to judge yourself, critique yourself, or shame yourself? What if you started with self-acceptance first, comparison second?
We are wired to make comparisons, judgments, and associations. Saying not to do so isn’t realistic. But know who. what, why and how you are comparing. If it is not serving you and your happiness, I suggest you own it, or it will most certainly own you.
Step #5. Ditch the Perfectionism
Call it what you want. Perfectionism, control, micro-managing everything you do or say. If it serves you, that’s great. Truth is I’ve yet to meet a woman that doesn’t drive herself crazy over it.
I refer to perfectionism as a ‘losing game’, because it’s this unattainable thing, and it’s really just an attempt at control. Most people think it’s the highest standard, but my mentor pointed out to me that it’s the LOWEST standard... because it’s unattainable!
It’s perfectly natural to desire that certain things happen in a certain way, but when we create requirements that everything happens according to plan (requirements to be happy, to feel successful, to feel good about ourselves), that’s when it backfires. And it’s only because we will never truly be able to control everything and everyone in our lives or ourselves. It’s an impossibility. But we do have the power to INFLUENCE ourselves and our lives to our greatest abilities. Influence what we can and release what we can’t.
Bottom line, if you can identify where you are talking to yourself about yourself through the eyes of guilt, shame, blame, comparison-itus, or perfectionism and start talking to yourself like you with acceptance, compassion, and understanding, your life is going to completely change.
I know it’s simple (not easy), and I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t the thing that changes overnight without serious commitment and a proven strategy and plan, but I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't at least help you see what the REAL problem is.
Check out the full episode of the podcast where I go into detail on these 5 steps and help you learn how to implement them for yourself.
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