So, Here's My Story... - TopPodcast.com

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Ep50: Nicht Tiefgründig May 22, 2018

Show notes

“I wish I could, but I just can’t”.

Have you ever heard that phrase and thought to yourself, “yes, you could. You just don’t want to”? Have you ever said that to someone, but known that it wasn’t the whole truth?

In this episode of So Here’s My Story, we talk about priorities, telling the truth, and personal sovereignty.

Why is that important for business?

Instead of taking ownership of how you chose to spend your time, “I wish I could” can feel like an abdication of responsibility for your own priorities.

It is okay to chose not to devote your time I have to each thing you may want to do. If you want to claim that something is important to you, it almost always comes with the responsibility of giving it time or energy. There needs to be an internal acknowledgment and recognition that, at the end of the day, you may not care enough about that thing to give it what it needs.

There is also the external side to this conflict, which is how you deal with priorities externally; how do you take responsibility for what is and what is not a priority when presented with opportunities?

When faced with an opportunity, there are some essential questions to ask: Should I do x? If so, how do I do x? If you really truly want to say yes, you have to want to do it enough to transition to that second question. Then you need to reassess once you take the measure of the how – is this still a priority now that I know what time, energy or resources are involved in making it a priority?

For instance, there are infinite ways to market your business, but despite your wanting, you cannot make them all a priority (and as Stephen Covey found, you shouldn’t make them all a priority).

Ask: am I willing to give my time to this? That is the most unignorable diagnostic question to ask to determine whether you really want it or not.

Time and attention are like a walk-in closet – if you want to add something new, you have to like it enough to take out something else, reorganize the closet, (or hire a new closet, which is kind of where the metaphor falls apart a bit).

As Eliot’s friend and top corporate trainer Ahmad Alafaliq says, this is about personal sovereignty, and acting like the sovereign of your own kingdom.

So how do you go about communicating these priorities to the outside world when presented with another opportunity? The annoying answer: tell the truth.

Part of the reason that telling the truth feels hard is that we only think about the part of the truth that is hurtful. The whole truth isn’t hurtful. We often think of honesty as setting off a bomb and leaving carnage, whereas we would do better to think of it as adding ingredients to the soup. If you are withholding some of the ingredients, it isn’t your soup.

The beauty of the truth is that it is something you can lean back on; it is much simpler than anything that has to be bent into a shape. If you lean back on the truth and avoid trying to control the response, then you don’t have to have it all figured out. That being said, choosing your words and practicing and getting the will to speak your truth is a practiced art.

Sometimes, just mustering the courage to say “I have something hard to tell you”, and then letting gravity take over, is all you need to begin.

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Ep49: "With Your Tray Tables Locked In an Upright Position" May 15, 2018

Show notes

Sometimes in your organization, there needs to be a bit of transparency. But, it needs to be just the right amount. How do you give your employees a peek behind the curtain without unleashing all of your company’s problems? It’s a fine balancing act.

Why is that important for business?

In this week’s episode, we talk about the business equivalent to turbulence on a plane. When notified of severe turbulence on a plane, and you’re the passenger, your mind immediately goes to a panic state. The natural reaction is to start asking the questions with hopes that it will answer the root of your anxiety.

This happens in businesses all the time. Employees will ask questions when they are noticing some turbulence in your organization. It’s the responsibility of the leader to address these concerns truthfully while still maintaining the element of compassion. It's important to answer their questions, but also address the anxiety that lurks their mind about the issue.

If you are having issues in your organization, but not being transparent about it, your employees can see the symptoms. Then this starts the mental fears of what is truly happening. This is when they will make up their own story, so it's important to explain what's really going on to prevent the panic.

In addition to this compassionate component, it’s also important to show some transparency when you are operating day-to-day. If you’re able to let your team members in on your decisions, then it can create a sense of empathy right back to you. By keeping all information on top-secret lockdown, you create friction between your employees and the flow. When people aren't part of the decision, they lose their empathy towards leaders.

Leaders need to address the things instead of pretending that everything is going to be perfect. You need address it truthfully yet empathetically, so your employees don't create a whole new set of problems.

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Ep48: The Shared Priority May 08, 2018

Show notes

Have you ever had a client try to get you to serve two opposing masters at once? How do you get them to settle on a priority so that you can move forward?

In this episode, we talk about just that.

Why is that important for business?

There are certain aspects of how you deliver your services or products that simply must be prioritized. For instance, if fast delivery, quality production and cheap price area all things your customers seek, they usually have to pick just two priorities at any one time. It’s like a stereo equalizer – you don’t have to turn anything right off, per se, but you can’t have all of the priorities at a 10 at once.

Part of this process is defining expectations, yet the words we use to describe our priorities are often insufficient and rely heavily on context. Words like “simplicity” or “success”, for instance, mean wildly different things to different people in different situations. Stories tend to be a more effective way to get these expectations and priorities across.

There are also times where we pick a priority word because we think the word is non-threatening. Communicating a story of why this is a concern can help avoid this. What is it you are worried about for you? For the other person? For the relationship?

If a conversation feels difficult, overly complicated, or if it feels like you just can’t find a solution, you probably skipped some questions about priorities and expectations. The issue is most likely that you are trying to get everything done, but if you get clear on priorities, the solution becomes easier. When expectations become clear, solutions become clear.

Consider that, just like in the show Stranger Things, there might be an Upside Down, where you can only see one plane of existence, but someone else sees an entirely different side. Consider that your customers may be in the Upside Down, and you can’t see what they see. Spend time checking out what the terrain looks like from their perspective. It is easier – and more fulfilling – to do business with people who feel seen.

What story do you want to tell?

So, that's our story... now, we want to hear yours!

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Ep47: Sink, or Swim, or Other May 01, 2018

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Whether it is learning the guitar, jumping in the pool, or doing something brand new in business, feeling foolish is a powerful motivator to keep us from growing.

In those moments, it isn’t always enough to just keep the door open for the person. Sometimes, we need to support them in a more proactive way, and that is exactly what this episode is all about.

Why is that important for business?

When you are trying to lead people, sometimes you think that all you can do is provide them an opportunity to try something new. Often, that just leaves you feeling frustrated when they don’t. Even when there is nothing in the way, new things can still be daunting, and we often need something more to facilitate growth into the stretch. When leading, it is helpful to ask yourself: “Is this an instance where I need to lay out more than just an open door?”

Often leadership looks like a choice between passive allowance, and high pressure “sink or swim” immersion. But we can create a comfortable middle ground without the pressure of self-propelling into the pool or diving in and either sinking or swimming. You don’t have to be the one to dive, but you don’t necessarily want someone to push you into the pool; you might want a situation where if you decide to jump, the right person is in the right place to support you.

This isn’t about enabling people – it is about escorting someone over the first hurdle and then letting them run with it. It can be hard when you are standing on the side of the pool to contemplate jumping in, but if you have the muscle memory of getting your feet wet – of moving forward a little – you can start something. Breaking it down, so it isn’t all of the newnesses at once, can also make the process easier.

If you want to crack the nut of how to get people who work with you to do bigger and better work, part of that is the humility of untangling what is in their way.

When you are leading, you most likely are hoping to get others to do what you do. In order to do this, you have to be able to reach back to the beginning and have empathy for how it felt when you started. We lose empathy for how things used to feel when we get better at them; you don’t remember when it was difficult. But if you could watch the movie in your head in slow motion and describe even 1 out of every 100 frames for the person trying to learn a new skill, it can help them see what you see. You can either choose to be frustrated by it or acknowledge that if someone doesn’t see things the way you do it is because they need help seeing things the way you do.

It’s also key to remember that there is a disproportionate effect of supportiveness compared to the tiniest bit of eye-rolling or judgment when you are feeling vulnerable. Inside, we are all 6 years old and we don’t want to look like idiots. In moments of growth, you need an overgrown amount of empathy and space and non-judgment.

What story do you want to tell?

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Ep46: The Art of Finishing Well Apr 24, 2018

Show notes

We don't talk about endings enough, especially not ending things well, with as much celebration as we began them. And that is exactly what this episode is about.

Why is that important for business?

Consider ending your business, or a product line, or even a relationship with a client or a team member – are you putting in the same effort to make a beautiful ending as you did when you started? Instead of ending by tapering off into a fizzling nothingness, celebrate everything that was; end with as much joy as you started with. Just because something is ending, doesn’t mean it was a failure; endings aren’t inherently bad. That is the belief that allows people to hold onto things they shouldn’t.

In public speaking, there are two aspects of the talk of particular import: primacy and recency. Primacy is the first thing you say, and it is what will be remembered. But recency, the last thing you said, is equally as memorable. So when considering how you want to be remembered, or how you want your business to be remembered, consider both the beginning and the end.

It is also important to remember that quitting is an art. We often have weird hang-ups around ending things or quitting things. But we need to allow endings to be thinkable, to be okay. If the possibility of an ending is unthinkable, you shut down so many options. It doesn’t have to be sad or wrong to say “this is done”; it is important to know when the last brush stroke has been applied to the painting. But take just as much care with the final brush strokes as you did with the rest, or your work may be ruined.

This also applies to letting someone go.

“The time has come for us to help you succeed somewhere else.” Paul Ricks

When someone is not a right fit, love them enough to not let them stay somewhere they don’t shine. Help them find where they belong and let them leave as a valued member of the team. Put as much effort into that ending as you did with the onboarding.

What story do you want to tell?

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Ep45: The Second Question Zing Apr 17, 2018

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Ever have the networking equivalent of a glass of water: it has substance, but no flavor? This episode is all about those conversations you have that don’t feel like a connection at all. Luckily, it’s also about how to have better conversations, and how to curate a network that not only refers you but refers you clients that are a perfect fit.

Why is that important for business?

If you have a conversation that is more than just a surface conversation, you each bring certain life experiences and perspectives. But if there is no curiosity present at all, there is little to build on for the conversation. It is like an electrical circuit: it is not until the other wire comes and completes the connection that you actually have an electrical circuit. There can’t just be one wire connected.

And it is frustrating to experience this lack of interest, not because of a need for attention from the other participant, but because you feel cheated out of an opportunity to make a connection.

The whole reason people network is to build a business, together. If you don’t have a sense of someone, you won’t develop these relationships, and you won’t remember them well enough to refer them. And the more you understand each other, the more likely you are to get clients that are a perfect fit for you as well.

This isn’t pointing to a need to ask more questions, but to ask deeper ones. Curiosity is walking a bit more slowly and looking for rabbit holes that may be interesting. Curiosity is about digging deeper beyond the first question. Curiosity is about the third question; it is about unexplored or unexpected territory. It is even about asking what might seem like an obvious question – one you think that you know the answer to – and leaving space for someone to say something they haven’t said before.

This is especially valuable for people who don’t like networking and meeting people. Being curious is easier. If it feels uncomfortable to talk about how great you are – GOOD! It should be uncomfortable, because that’s not genuine engagement, and that isn’t what networking should be.

The secret to finding out about people is a (sort of selfish) desire to actually enjoy the conversation. For that to happen, you have to find out something about them that makes you genuinely interested in that conversation. This isn’t about faking interest.

It’s also okay if you simply don’t “zing” with every person. Not every person is a fist bump person. Not everyone is zingable. This is about a practice of creating those conversations, about being aware of your contribution to the conversation, and about curating your network (a zingable network).

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Ep44: How Strong is Your Core (Competency)? Apr 10, 2018

Show notes

If you are someone who has ever worked with a fitness trainer, you have probably heard their mantra: “engage your core”. It turns out, almost everything you do in fitness becomes easier, safer and the results more prominent when you involve the muscles of your core.

Turns out, the same is true in business.

Why is that important for business?

Wherever you are looking to add some “umph” – even if it is theoretically a leg or arm exercise - if you source your energy from your core, it is easier. This is true in business as well. Maybe you think you need to do some marketing or improve sales, but the truth is: if you haven’t strengthened the core of your business – of what you really do – you’ll never get far, and it could be dangerous.

“Dabbling” is an example of not using your core. “If we don’t do it every day, we don’t do it any day.” So what is your core competence? If you can’t do your best work for your clients, should you be doing that work? Your core not only the most important “muscle” in business to develop, but it also informs you about the kinds of clients to go after, and the kind of marketing you should do to convey that message.

If you are wondering how strong your core is, ask yourself this important question: “If this company was 10 times the size, what would break?” That is where your focus should be.

One of the things that is symptomatic of a problem with your core is if you can’t have consensus in your company about what your core business is, or if you don’t have a culture where you can discuss it. You need to understand your core, and actively support it. If you value innovation, for instance, you have to celebrate failure proactively.

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Ep43: When Words Go Awry Apr 03, 2018

Show notes

When you enter a new environment or talk to someone who isn’t as intimately familiar to yourself as you are, it can be hard to navigate the language gap. Even when you think you know what someone means, words can mean considerably different things in different contexts, and to different people.

In this episode, we talk about navigating conversations where you can’t even rely on the English language for clarity. And we do it using Star Trek references.

Why is that important for business?

When something (or someone) is new, we often don’t have the vocabulary to even begin to ask – or answer – questions. This may mean unique language used in a new industry, but it can also happen when you use commonly understood words, for which differing context or perspective changes the meaning. And sometimes we think we know what a word means, but our understanding is incomplete. It is important, then, when entering a new environment or navigating a fraught one, to poke around for the words that mean something in this particular space.

A way to do this is to dispense with the words and focus on the stories. By using stories, or even metaphors, you can ensure you are clear on what you are understanding, and what is being understood. Because you can’t always trust that the language matches up.

This is especially true when emotions are higher - we tend to have less nuanced hearing skills in such situations. It is important, when you see someone have a reaction to words, to clarify what they are reacting to.

Words are almost worse for communicating than anything else. Stories, metaphors, visual representations, and body language are often more useful. And it is easier to validate understanding than when you only use words.

Language means different things in different place and with different people. If you find yourself frustrated, as a leader, with how your team follows directions, the first place to look is at the clarity of your words, and the gap between what you wanted, and what they understood. Paint a picture of what you mean instead of just using words.

What story do you want to tell?

So, that's our story... now, we want to hear yours!

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Ep42: The Power of the Petty Mar 27, 2018

Show notes

Here you are, just trying to live your life, trying to use your brain to solve complex life problems or just navigate your way through Costco, and all you can think about is some unresolved conversation or situation that has lodged itself in the most obsessive part of your mind. As Eliot likes to say, you are letting someone else live rent-free in your mind.

In this episode, we discuss how to deal with these situations, and how to free up space for something more productive than trying to think of the perfect retort to an upsetting email.

Why is that important for business?

The magnitude of the obsession is usually inversely proportional to the size of the issue – the more petty and stupid the issue, the more space it gets in your mind.

Then you get mad that you are irrationally mad at the petty thing.

This is not a recipe for a productive mind. And the reason it bothers us so much is that you now have to spend time and energy dealing with a situation that you would rather not dedicate brain forced to. And it is dragging otherwise good neurons away from things that would be more useful to think about.

So how do you exorcize those obsessions?

Curiosity is – again - one of the answers. Often, if you wait long enough between your anger or irritation and your response so that you can frame the event in terms of questions instead of accusations, you will have better luck. It can be a challenge, but it is important to stop short of ascribing intent.

Borrow a technique from Brene Brown and use the phrase “this is the story that I am making up” when confronting an issue. It makes it clear to all parties that this is just what is happening in your head and gives them an opportunity to give a new perspective.

There are few things more important that how you manage your energy, time and thoughts. If something is draining energy from you, it is significant and worth noticing, and worth assessing – “is this person or thought worth taking up space in my brain?”

It’s also important, as a leader, to make sure that - as much as possible - no one is wasting energy needlessly because of you. If you tend to let others live rent-free in your head, you have to be aware of where you could be squatting in other people’s heads.

'You've made this day a special day, by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.' - Mr. Rogers

What story do you want to tell?

So, that's our story... now, we want to hear yours!

Pull up a chair and join the conversation in our Facebook Group: bit.ly/shmsgroup

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Ep41: The Sound of Silence Mar 20, 2018

Show notes

Knowing when to show up is an art form all its own. Ever found yourself saying more than you should, just to fill the silence?

This episode is all about knowing when to stop talking, and when to let a lack of talking enrich the conversation. If you’ve ever found yourself oversharing, or failed to get someone really talking, it’s time to embrace the silence.

Why is that important for business?

We spend a lot of time on this podcast discussing how to frame a conversation, but it is just as important to discuss when to end a conversation. Knowing when to shut up is an art form all its own. There is an impulse to fill the silence sometimes but understanding what not to say and when to stop saying anything at all is sometimes more important than planning what you are going to say.

Especially when you are working with a client, beware of the point where you’re doing all the digging, and hand them the shovel. You need to lean into silence. Allowing someone else to discover something, rather than telling them, creates more profound learning.

Silence is especially huge for sales. It’s not true unless they say it.

Silence makes people uncomfortable, and we often try to fill space mentally just as much as verbally. If we don’t know the details of a story, we’ll try to make up our own narrative. Externally, we feel social pressure to have no silence, so we end up filling space with information we maybe shouldn’t be sharing.

It is helpful to walk into a meeting with a clear agenda and a clear mission of what you want to accomplish. If not, you don’t know when the mission is completed, and you just keep going. Oversharing can be a lack of clear understanding of what you need from this meeting.

Transparency is important, but you don’t have to be transparent about everything, at all times, with all people. It has a time and a place.

How do you define where the finish line for a sentence, a conversation, a meeting is? When are we done? When does this get a bow on it? How do you be more clear on what’s enough?

What story do you want to tell?

So, that's our story... now, we want to hear yours!

Pull up a chair and join the conversation in our Facebook Group: bit.ly/shmsgroup

OR...

Shoot us an email: talktous@soheresmystory.com

Connect with @SHMSpodcast on Twitter: https://twitter.com/shmspodcast

Text the word STORY to 345345 to get access to bonus content and weekly episode delivery.

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