Show notes
Psychologist Dr. Gina Di Giulio joins us to discuss Covid anxiety, CBT, and the ways in which attachment styles affect our relationships. She walks us through the three dimensions of attachment theory as well as the four main styles of attachment. Jess and Brandon open up about their own irritability and frustrations and they discuss cognitive strategies to increase feelings of security. And on a totally separate note, Jess also weighs in on a listener question regarding how to ride like a pro!
Check out Dr. Gina's notes below...
Attachment theory: How we attach to other adults strongly corresponds to how we attach to others, especially our primary caregivers, as a child.
Adults with different attachment styles will differ in terms of how they deal with emotional intimacy
How they communicate in relationships, in terms of their needs and wants, how readily they are willing to consider others' as well
How much they trust others, how vulnerable they're willing to be in relationships
How they respond to interpersonal conflict
What they expect from their partner
There are 3 dimensions that underlie attachment styles:
Closeness - how comfortable someone feels being emotionally close and intimate
Dependency - how comfortable someone feels with needing or having to rely on others
Anxiety - the extent to which someone worries about their partner abandoning or rejecting them
The four attachment styles are: Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant & Disorganized.
Secure Attachment:
Low on avoidance, low on anxiety
Are comfortable relying on their partner, and their partner relying on them in times of need
Trust that their partner will be around, don’t worry about abandonment
Trusts partner to lead independent life without feeling threatened
Doesn't smother their partner
Healthy self-esteem
Comfortable with closeness
Better in conflict, doesn't avoid it
Forgiving and empathic
Effective communicators
Regulate their emotions well
Ambivalent (Anxious) Attachment:
Low on avoidance, high on anxiety
Insecure in relationships
Fearful of being rejected or abandoned, react by becoming clingy
Worried about being too little or too much for their partner
Sensitive to partner’s moods, take them personally
Clingy, demanding, possessive, “Needy” - can scare partners away
Don’t regulate their emotions well
Moody, argumentative, blame others, poor boundaries
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment:
High on avoidance, low on anxiety
Uncomfortable with closeness
Prefer to be alone
Keep partner’s at arm's length
Values independence and freedom (intimacy = a loss of independence)
Dismissive, fearful
Scared of being hurt
Don't communicate openly and effectively
Fear of being vulnerable or “weak”
“Emotionally unavailable”
Avoid conflict
Good in a crisis, “stoic”, action-oriented
Emotionally distant and rejecting
Disorganized (Unresolved, Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment:
High on avoidance, high on anxiety
Fearful of being rejected or abandoned, react by distancing themselves from others
Uncomfortable with intimacy
Uncomfortable with closeness, difficulty trusting others, can’t depend on others
Unresolved emotions, mindset from past traumas
Often abusive and dysfunctional in relationships
Lack of empathy, punishing, narcissistic, disregard for rules
Often a traumatic past, PTSD, intrusive triggers, anger, dissociation to avoid pain
Attachment Styles and Infidelity
There are many reasons why people cheat, complex and varied - attachment styles is one of them and the dynamic between partners is one of the strongest predictors of cheating. The Ambivalent (Anxious) is most likely to cheat.
Anxious Attachment: Running toward closeness.
Might cheat as a means of feeling closeness and feeling an emotional connection and affection from someone else (esp. if their partner is dismissive)
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