Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

Latest Episodes:

Episode #2x20: Simming May 26, 2016

Show notes

Celebrate Andrew's birthday with us and a Dunkin Donuts near you. Golden Ticket winners won't get a lifetime supply of chocolate, but they will get a lifetime supply of embarrassment. News summons the spirit of Alex Trebek in a Jeopardy-style rundown of whatever the fuck is even going on anymore. One country fires half its police force for corruption, while another country just straight up catches on fire. Guess why. "How do you fight a franchise that owns a day of the week?" -Will Smith/Aristotle, probably. The only tale older than time is that of Andrew and Matt being categorically wrong about cinema. Sorry we don't want to watch Hermione Granger sing to a set of teaspoons for 2 hours. Fuck Off, Cupid returns with three new dramatic readings and a ton of questions about why, merciful Lord, tell us why. AP Choices wrap the show and we all leave pissed at each other over a Disney debate. In this week's After Dark: Fuck Off, Cupid gets extended into a game. We all answer the matchmaking questions from OKCupid and wager a bet. Andrew reads us his profile. Laura messages an idiot. Old Beauty and the Beast wounds are healed.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x19: Detached May 20, 2016

Show notes

If a host turns her hair green, but no one sees it, does it still make a sound? A new oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is trashing shit up -- and no one even knew it was happening until a random helicopter pilot was like, oh look, a rotting ecosystem. Flying is officially not the safest way to travel, because even if the plane makes it, the stress of it all will fucking end your life. President Obama went Super Saiyan on labor law this week, mandating that salaried employees making less than $47k be eligible for overtime pay. "No bueno." -Retailers Everywhere France's lower parliamentary house gets real on work-life balance laws, but we aren't quite buying their communist agenda. Congratulations to Thomas Manning of Halifax, Massachusetts on his new penis. Reports are mixed as to whether it will be detachable. Matt investigates. Tonight at 9. A round of No Context and Surprise, Bitch! introduces us to Erin, dear Erin, who deserves a Medal of Honor for her valor in the face of so much dick. And in this week's After Dark: Listeners stick it to us with a horde of both thought provoking and Rated-R questions in an Ask Me Anything-style segment. "Where's the strangest place you've had sex?" asked the listener who now has an answer she really didn't need in her life. "What's the sickest you've ever been?" asked someone else who also, now, regrets their choices.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x18: Our Watch Begins May 11, 2016

Show notes

Performers who don't show up on time SUCK.
Obama hates how the media is covering Trump, but loves bison.
The Political Minute: Goodbye Kasich, hello President Trump. Goodbye endorsements from past Presidents, hello Nickelback.
Facebook has supposedly avoided putting conservative topics in its Trends section. Is this a problem? And why do government officials care?
California has raised the age at which you are allowed to purchase cigarettes. Will this help stop the kids from starting to smoke?
The Number: You spend 50 minutes a day doing THIS.
Our Surprise Bitch victim will be starring in the new Finding Nemo sequel next month.
Our AP Choice is about protests: Are they worth attending? Laura shares her experiences attending protests. And this week, in After Dark…
Pizza, pizza, PIZZA! In this unique installment of After Dark, we spend nearly 25 minutes talking about everything pizza. What are our earliest memories of pizza? What could we do with pizza in the bedroom? At the end of After Dark we prank call the Papa Johns feedback hotline and complain about a particularly nasty pie we received.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x17: Cruz'n For A Bruisin' May 04, 2016

Show notes

The Podcast Where It Happens celebrates Hamilton's slew of Tony nominations! Too bad we'll never see it live. Andrew plugs the new Hypable, but if you're like Micah you won't be visiting it. We offer a few dramatic readings from Fuck Off, Cupid, and discuss what the hell it means when someone describes themselves as a Nice Guy. The news portion of the show is politics-heavy, and as we record we learn that Ted Cruz has dropped out of the race. Trump is now the presumptive nominee. God help us. (Note: This episode was recorded before John Kasich dropped out on Wednesday.) Should Bernie step out of the way now that the Republican side of the Presidential election has been decided? To lighten the mood we play some highlights from Obama's White House Correspondents' Dinner speech. Damn, can this guy get a job as a stand up comedian after his term ends? The trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie is one of the most disliked videos in YouTube history. Gee, I wonder why? We play "The Number" and "Game of Moans" -- the latter is a fun new game from Matt! And this week, in After Dark... It's Teacher Appreciation Week! Each of us discusses one (or a few) of the teachers who've impacted our lives. Spoiler alert! We go in-depth on Game of Thrones, the Jon Snow twist, and what we hope to see in the future. Game of Thrones newb Andrew raves about The Wall. According to Laura, raves happen there.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x16: To Bey Or Not To Bey Apr 27, 2016

Show notes

Stop doing things, people. We can't keep up with all this shit.

Harriet Tubman was a baller way before she was a $20. "Can you move to the right a bit, I need a clear shot of this for my blog." -Andrew, having a threesome with his new Uber passengers. Beyonce will be on the $10 someday if she keeps this up. Lemonade resonated even with those of us who aren't part of the Beyhive. Hidden from the Headlines reveals that, sometimes, the disadvantaged are targeted by the powerful specifically because they're disadvantaged. And round and round we go.

And in this week's After Dark:

Depressing but hopeful stories abound as we tackle the issue of quarter-life crises. Quarter-life crises are historically known to result in launching podcasts. Why has depression skyrocketed for 20-somethings? Why are our listeners so much stronger than we are? What is Matt even trying to say here?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x15: Below Average Apr 20, 2016

Show notes

Andrew returns from last week's stint in prison to find his world has collapsed. "I've got transparent pandering in my bag. Swag." -Hillary Clinton News kicks off with a brand new study that reveals either we're all morons, or the study's authors are. New legislation in Congress would permit 9/11 victims' families to sue Saudi Arabia for their role in funding the terrorist attacks. In related news, submissions now open for our #sueme photoshop challenge. Bruce Springsteen and other A-List artists take North Carolina to school, protesting the new anti-LGBTQ law through the power of song and dance. Or lack thereof. Inky the octopus chooses liberty over safety in this year's new Pixar flick, "Get Me the Fuck Out of Here." Rated G. A new segment called "The Number" tests our knowledge of the Millennial generation and unearths precisely how below fucking average the four of us are. Surprise, bitch! introduces us to Megan, the perfectly kind music teacher from Pennsylvania who absolutely did not deserve to be harassed by Matt for 10 minutes.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x14: Dragon My Balls Apr 13, 2016

Show notes

Fuck Off, Cupid: introducing a new segment for singles, by singles. Best and worst experiences, lessons learned, and real online dating interactions -- submitted by you, dramatically read by us. Visit fuckoffcupid.com to get in on the action. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? It's somewhere in Afghanistan.

Let's play No Context, they said. It'll be fun, they said.

And in this week's After Dark:

We expand on our online dating discussion and dive into just… regular dating. It isn't much better. Why is dating even important, developmentally? Have we learned things from it?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x13: Buddy Apr 06, 2016

Show notes

Andrew talks about visiting the Grand Canyon and throws this show off the rails 3 minutes in. Hidden from the Headlines gets our heads out of the U.S.'s ass and into a complicated international conflict. Look at us being all worldly and shit. "To sex, or not to sex?" -Hamlet or something, and also this one listener who wrote in. What if elected officials had to wear jackets with the logos of their top ten donors sewn all over it? Well, lube up, California. This could hurt. The regularly scheduled shitshow that is Washington, D.C. would lose its charm without another scandal, and luckily, Laura brings us the details. Sorry not sorry, Ted. Ruth Bader Ginsberg: great Justice, or the greatest Justice? Trick question. Both. A rousing game of Two Truths One Lie reveals SOME OF US ARE MONSTERS and others piss on snakes. This is a sophisticated show, okay. Wait, But Why? commands you to cut your hearts out, literally, if at all possible. Less than 1/3 of Americans are registered organ donors in the event of death, and let's be clear, people need your kidneys a lot more than the dirt does.

And in this week's After Dark:

The Panama Papers -- what the actual fuck, though. What are they and why do they matter? What's the difference between a leak of this nature, and a leak akin to the D.C. Madam story? The ethics of data leaks and whistleblowing. Are we holding politicians to a higher standard, or ourselves to a lower one?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x12: Candy Wrapper Mar 30, 2016

Show notes

Welcome back, sycophants.

• We’re joined this week by comedian Liz Magee for our first “Ask Me Anything” style interview! Check her out on Twitter: @JokesMagee

• Our LOTR movie commentary is coming on April 11th. The eagles are coming!

• Quickfire News takes us to Chuck Grassley’s secret Q&A events and Ted Cruz’s deviant fantasies. Spoiler alert: You don’t want to participate in either of these things.

• The FBI managed to unlock the San Bernardino shooter’s phone on its own. Everyone tweet “@FBI please clap.” Tag us.

• Liz Magee describes in vivid, burning detail the struggles of being prone to UTI’s.

• What do you do when you have 15 minutes of airtime to fill, and only 5 minutes of dick jokes?

• We learn a little bit about what it’s like to be one of the few women in stand-up comedy. Don’t worry - it’s just like being a woman in any male dominated field!

• The world is shocked to know that women like to laugh! Shocked we tell you!

• No Context is brought to you this week by ‘Matt can’t follow directions.’

In this week’s installment of After Dark, we introduce Liz to Devil’s Advocate and have a discussion on the broke millennial experience.

• Stop telling us when our balances fall below $25. We’re acutely fucking aware.

• We share some of the most bizarre jobs we’ve taken to help pay the rent. One of them involves a cat named “Apache.”

• Somehow this turns into a discussion about how we can make bank producing dinosaur porn? What?

• We don’t even know how we got here.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episode #2x11: Give Me Sad Mar 23, 2016

Show notes

We begin with a message about recent, horrific attacks around the world.
Andrew has an issue with his upstairs neighbors he needs help on. This is war.
In Quickfire News, we tackle an update on the new $10 bill, Twitter controversies, Georgia’s Religious Freedom Bill, SeaWorld, and Obama’s busy week between Cuba and Merrick Garland.
In our Confessional we address living at home with your parents and a transitioning listener who’s had to deal with PC culture at a new extreme.
This week’s AP Choice is from Anne, who wants to know what to do about her boyfriend’s annoying friend.
Surprise, Bitch! We’re live from Cuba!
Batman v Superman hits theaters this weekend and.. it’s not good, according to critics.
In this week’s After Dark we continue our discussion on PC culture. How often does bullying occur inside the progressive movement? Will everyone be able to agree on trigger warnings? How can institutions better handle issues of social justice?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected