Love and Life with Dr. Karin and Pastor Elliott

Latest Episodes:

Attachment and Boundaries in Adult Children of “Gray Divorce” with psychotherapists Carol Hughes and Bruce Fredenburg Ep. 184 Mar 03, 2022

Show notes

In the US alone, more than 300,000 couples over the age of 50 divorce every year and this trend is growing. If you include the adult children involved, between 900,000 and 1.2 million people are impacted by the dissolution of these marriages. In fact, the term “gray divorce” has entered the lexicon to describe couples who part ways later in life.

Despite the number of people affected by gray divorce, few resources exist to provide support as adult children manage this unexpected and painful family division.

Psychotherapists Carol Hughes and Bruce Fredenburg join me to discuss their book, Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce.

So often, adult children of divorce feel invisible. Because they’re adults, others assume they’ll move through the divorce with ease. Their parents may even expect them to feel happy for them as they embark upon their new life. But adult children grieve the loss of their family and in addition to this pain, they’re faced with the challenges of visiting multiple homes for the holidays and navigating competing expectations for loyalty.

Join us for an empathic conversation around the realities of gray divorce and its deep impact on all involved.

Reference:

https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/67/6/731/614154?login=false

Carol & Bruce

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/carol-r-hughes-phd-lmft-and-bruce-r-fredenburg-ms-lmft

Book: https://www.amazon.com/Home-Will-Never-Same-Again/dp/1538135302

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Is Your Family Sabotaging Your Love Life? with Psychotherapist Elliott Anderson Ep. 183 Feb 24, 2022

Show notes

Our families have a profound impact on us—not just in childhood, but throughout our lifetime! But, family dynamics can be tricky to sort out due to the intensity of emotions and because we lack the objectivity necessary to see ourselves and our connections clearly; it’s hard to observe a system when you’re part of the system.

Furthermore, sometimes our families can unintentionally sabotage our efforts to find our person!

Psychotherapist Elliott Anderson joins me for a deep dive into how connections to family members may impede our search for romantic partnership—unbeknownst to all involved!

Specifically, Elliott and I discuss:

The construct of individuation and its profound impact on not only your family life, but your love life!
Why Elliott’s first question to the couples he counsels isn’t about them—rather, it’s always about their families.
How we can be both close to and separate from our families!
Your man’s lack of confidence as it relates to his individuation.
How an adult daughter’s loyalty to her parents may keep her emotionally unavailable to romantic partners.
How your parents’ “empty nest” marriage impacts your love life in ways you may not fully realize.
Anxious attachment as it relates to enmeshed family systems.
Why your brothers and sisters always hate your significant others. Spoiler alert: you need to individuate from your siblings, too!

Individuation is an imperative process—one we work on throughout our lives. Though there may be struggles along the way, the differentiation process helps everyone in the family!

Rev. Elliott Anderson, M.A.

Work with Elliott: https://loveandlifemedia.com/work-with-elliott-anderson

Instagram: @pastorelliottanderson

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Relationship Strain of COVID Part 3: Our Differing Values Drive Us Apart—How to Bridge the Division with Kate Lambie, LCPC Ep. 182 Feb 16, 2022

Show notes

In this final segment of our “Relationship Strain of COVID” series, psychotherapist Kate Lambie joins me again for a discussion on values and how they impact our individual responses to the various elements of the pandemic. Spoiler alert—it all goes back to safety and security! We also consider the reality that at times, we may share the same values yet choose to act upon them in different ways.

We ask these questions and more!

Are bodily autonomy and medical freedom selfish during a pandemic?
Are mandates a violation of civil liberties? Or, do they make sense in an emergency?
If friends seem unwilling to find common ground, might they be reacting in this manner because they feel unsafe?
How does clarifying our values develop empathy and compassion for one another?

Kate and I see the pandemic from opposing vantage points. We share our personal struggle to maintain intimacy and connection during these intense past two years. Join us to hear the inside scoop—including the arguments!—of how we’ve tried to remain close despite our discrepant positions. We hope our journey will help you navigate these most challenging times. Disagreements need not pull relationships apart. In fact, healthy conflict management can increase intimacy and authentic connection.

Source:

https://covid19.nih.gov/news-and-stories/covid-19-vaccines-and-menstrual-cycle

Kate Lambie

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/wild-hope-counseling-chicago-il/439158

Instagram: @kate_lambie_lcpc

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Relationship Strain of COVID Part 2: Fear Has Polarized Us! How to Bridge the Division with Kate Lambie, LCPC Ep. 181 Feb 09, 2022

Show notes

In part two of our series on the relational strain of the pandemic, psychotherapist Kate Lambie joins me to share a trauma informed understanding of fear. No matter what stance we’ve taken regarding the pandemic, we’ve all felt scared at one point or another. Some of us fear the virus; others worry more about the government’s policies surrounding mandates. Either way, our sense of security has been shaken and it’s probably not hyperbolic to suggest we’ve all been somewhat traumatized.

In this conversation, Kate and I discuss the ways humans manage fear and how our differing responses may have impacted our connections to those we love most.

In particular, we discuss:

Common reactions to fear—fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and flock—and how these responses have polarized us over the last two years.
Stress and empathy. Spoiler alert: they can’t coexist—which is why we can be unkind when we’re freaked out!
Self-regulation and how it helps us move through fear and maintain intimacy with those we love.
How trauma and fear hijack our ability to reason.
What’s actually at the root of all our pandemic relationship dissension.

Citations:

- Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2007). The boy who was raised as a dog. Basic Books.

- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202008/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-response?amp

- https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14330237.2012.10874518

Kate Lambie

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/wild-hope-counseling-chicago-il/439158

Instagram: @kate_lambie_lcpc

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Relationship Strain of COVID Part 1: Beliefs, Confirmation Bias, and How to Bridge the Division Ep. 180 Feb 03, 2022

Show notes

The last two years have taken a toll on every area of our lives. One of the most painful elements of the pandemic has been the division it’s caused. Relationships have been strained and, in some cases, torn apart.

How did we get here? How is it that friends and family members see the last two years from such different vantage points?

In this episode, I talk about the beliefs we held before 2020 and how the confirmation bias has impacted our understanding of the pandemic.

This episode is part one of a three-part series in which I share constructs from psychology to help us better understand our varying responses to the last two years and also, how to bridge the division we’re experiencing.

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Avoidant Attachment Q&A with Psychotherapist Elliott Anderson Ep. 179 Feb 01, 2022

Show notes

Elliott is back to answer your questions in Part 2 of our conversation about Avoidant Attachment style. We start with a question from a listener who wrote in after hearing episode 165 about Anxious Attachment in which Elliott mentioned that “oneness” takes years to develop. Her question was:

1. What’s the difference between intimacy and oneness?

We then get back to Avoidant Attachment and address the following questions from listeners:

2. I’ve recently left an abusive relationship and started dating an old friend. He was initially very attentive but then he started to pull away which caused me to begin to chase him. We’ve been on again/off again and I think I may have Anxious Attachment, while he’s likely Avoidant. Is it possible for us to make this work?

3. I’ve been on 7 dates with a guy and he’s talking to me about being exclusive but he’s still updating his Bumble profile. I confronted him about it and he said his friend updated it for him. Also, he tells me he hates confrontation. Does he have Avoidant Attachment style? Can I trust him?

4. After I’m intimate with someone, I want to push him away. Do I have an Avoidant Attachment style?

5. How do I give a relationship a chance? After 3 months, I find myself wanting to bolt! I must have an Avoidant Attachment style.

Elliott and I field your questions and, because we’re siblings, we definitely don’t agree on every answer! Join us for a fun Q&A session about Avoidant Attachment styles!

Rev. Elliott Anderson, M.A.

Work with Elliott: https://loveandlifemedia.com/work-with-elliott-anderson

Instagram: @pastorelliottanderson

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Help! I Keep Dating Men with Avoidant Attachment Style! with Elliott Anderson, M.A. Ep. 178 Jan 25, 2022

Show notes

Psychotherapist Elliott Anderson is back to continue our series on Attachment Styles. This week we unpack Avoidant Attachment and consider the question, “Is it actually possible to have a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style?”

Specifically, we address:

Why avoidant men may initially appear very excited about the relationship and interested in commitment, but then later, they pull away.
The internal struggle of Avoidant Attachment.
The Pursuer-Distancer cycle—if you’ve dated someone with an Avoidant Attachment style, you’ve likely experienced this, especially if you have an Anxious Attachment style.
When he marries you, but is still avoidant!
Why it’s imperative to maintain your self-respect—and how to do so!
Ways to bring up concerns about emotional intimacy with an avoidant partner.
How to figure out if his Avoidant Attachment is something you can work with or if he’s completely emotionally unavailable.
How to determine if you’re experiencing Avoidant Attachment yourself or, if you’re simply with the wrong person.
Cultivating intimacy with someone with Avoidant Attachment—it is possible!

If you’ve dated someone with an Avoidant Attachment style, you know how confusing it can be. Join us to gain clarity around attachment and acquire specific strategies to help build a healthy connection!

Rev. Elliott Anderson, M.A.

Work with Elliott: https://loveandlifemedia.com/work-with-elliott-anderson

Instagram: @pastorelliottanderson

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

What Science Says About Shacking Up: Is it an Empowered Move? with Dr. Duana Welch Ep. 177 Jan 19, 2022

Show notes

As Love & Life listeners know, psychologist Dr. Duana Welch, author of the Love Factually book series, encourages us to date as “high status” women. In this episode, as always, she provides the science behind HOW to date high status and WHY it’s imperative we do so—especially when it comes to major decisions like whether to live together before getting married.

Specifically, Dr. Welch addresses the following:

If I present myself as high status, won’t he think I’m being manipulative and playing hard to get?
How do I get him to view me as high status—what specific behaviors will show him this?
What if I don’t feel high status?
I have an anxious attachment style, how can I ever date high status?
Everyone seems to think living together before marriage is a great idea. Do high status women cohabitate before getting married?

Dr. Welch provides concrete, science-based answers to these questions and much more! Join us to acquire a high status, empowered approach to dating!

Dr. Duana Welch

Website: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Money & Love: Take Charge of Your Finances, Take Charge of Your Life! with Emily Burnett Ep. 176 Jan 05, 2022

Show notes

Money is such a touchy topic. We’re told never to talk about it in polite company. And for many of us, it’s a subject we don’t ever bring up—even to ourselves! But ultimately, finances are all about values—just like the rest of life!

When I was single, I valued living to the fullest and I also valued being fiscally responsible. At times, these values were in conflict.

Emily Burnett knows all about this dilemma. She grew up in a home where fiscal responsibility was valued. Yet as a single woman in her thirties, she was $50,000 in debt. Ouch. But one day Emily had had enough. As she put it, “I make too much money to feel this broke!”

Emily is here to help us get in the driver’s seat with our money! Join us for a conversation about:

Dating when you’re in debt.
Enjoying nice things when you can’t really afford them.
Living paycheck to paycheck.
Why you don’t need to feel bad about not having a budget.
And also, why constructing a budget is empowering, liberating, and exciting!
How planning for special purchases allows us to enjoy things twice!
How to lose the guilt that often accompanies splurges!
Why creating a budget enables you to get in touch with your values, see yourself more clearly, and become more authentic.
How to get out of debt—even $50,000 worth of debt!

Emily says, “A woman who is ‘on purpose’ can do so much good in the world!” Listen to our conversation to get “on purpose” regarding your finances, and watch this intentionality generalize to other realms of love and life!

Emily Burnett

Website: https://www.mosomoney.com/

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes

Science Says Do THIS for Lasting Happiness! Beat the Blues with Simple, Research-Based Strategies Ep. 175 Dec 24, 2021

Show notes

We often think it takes big behavioral changes to impact our mental health, but according to psych research simple daily habits and choices make a huge difference on our emotional well-being.

In this “best of the podcast” episode, we discuss two simple practices anyone can implement at any time to enjoy a boost in mood.

Specifically, we discuss:

The connection between social media usage and depression and anxiety.
The fact that social media interactions don’t provide us with the same support IRL interactions do.
The variable at work in “Facebook Depression.”
A concrete plan for creating a gratitude practice and why it makes all the difference!

It’s completely normal to feel a wide array of emotions—that’s part of being a human. But, help is here! Join us to learn simple, practical research-based strategies we can all utilize to level up our mental health and wellness.

Reference:

Steers, M. N., Wickham, R. E., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). Seeing everyone else's highlight reels: How Facebook usage is linked to depressive symptoms. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 33 (8). https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.8.701

Dr. Karin

Website: http://loveandlifemedia.com/

Empowered Dating Playbook: smarturl.it/EmpoweredDatingBook

Instagram: @dr.karin

Single is the New Black - Audiobook

Audible: smarturl.it/SITNB-Audible

iTunes: smarturl.it/SITNB-iTunes