IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

What Tough Parenting Moments DO & DON'T Mean

Becoming a Professional Parent

No one shames professional athletes for working to improve themselves. We actually respect them for their dedication and hard work.

Don't let others hold you back because of their thoughts or their shame. You can improve as a parent with dedication and hard work.

I Should vs I Want vs I Will vs I AM!

Should doesn't serve us. It holds us back.

An up grade from "I should" is "I want." The next step is, "I will." But, the most powerful belief is "I AM!"

When you go from thinking, "I should be better," to believing, "I AM a great parent," you will find that you have way more power than you realize. You will start to parent with confidence and purpose because you trust yourself.

What are your "I" statements? What do you believe about who you are? What are your values?

What are the "I" statements that you need to be the parent that you want to be?

Your teens will pattern their personal beliefs off of your "I" and "you" statements.

How to Practice for Tough Parenting Moments

It's okay to want to be your best.

The Wheel of Life is a visual concept that I teach to help parents and teens understand that life is 50/50. It’s 50% pleasant and 50% unpleasant. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong.

When things are going great in our lives, we are on the top of the wheel. When things kind of suck, or things aren’t going how we want them to, we are on the bottom of the wheel.

Sometimes, when we are on the top of the wheel, we forget to enjoy where we are in life’s journey, and we forget that being on the top isn’t going to last forever. This leads us to think that something has gone wrong when we find ourselves on the bottom of the wheel.

When we are on the top of the wheel is the best time to prepare for the inevitable times that are coming when we will be on the bottom of the wheel.

When we practice when we are on the top of the wheel, when things are going well, we can prepare for future struggles. This is an opportunity to be intentional about who we are and how we want to live. This way, when things get tough, we are prepared to be who we want to be.

This is how you can prepare yourself for tough parenting moments. When you're on the top of the wheel, identify "How can I use the to prepare for when I'm on the bottom of the wheel?"

Then, when you're on the bottom of the wheel, realize that you have prepared for this. Trust yourself and show up with confidence as the best version of yourself as you can.

How to Connect with Zach Spafford

Zack and his wife are the hosts of The Self Mastery Podcast.

You can check it out by clicking here:
https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast

You can also connect with Zach on Instagram here:
https://www.instagram.com/zachspafford.selfmasterycoach/

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Parenting Transformation vs Improvement May 27, 2021

Show notes

Transformation VS Improvement.

Improvement focuses on better whereas transformation focuses on different.

Usually, improvement is focused on the perceived problems, and simply improving how we respond to the problem.

Transformation on the other hand is focused on the vision of what could be and becoming the vision.

There is a time a place for both transformation and improvement.

To Transform or to Improve, That is The Question

Like I said, there is a time and a place for both transformation and improvement.

You get to decide where you are and what you need.

You can achieve both through coaching, but it's up to you to know and understand what YOU want to be working on.

How to Achieve Parenting Transformation

Step #1 Start with Awareness

This is my favorite place to start. Take some time to develop some awareness about where you are in your own personal growth. Become aware of what is going on around you and within you. Understand not only the what, but the why and the impact it is having on you.

I see lots of people skipping this step. They want a transformation. They know they are not happy as they are, but they don't really take the time to deeply understand why.

Become aware of what you CAN and CAN'T control, what you want to control and what you don't want to control, and what you're willing to control and what you're not willing to control. This awareness will help prepare you for step #2.

For more on awareness checkout Episode 39, Awareness Before Intention

Step #2 Be Willing to Let Go of Things

This step is huge! In fact, currently the biggest struggle that I see with the parents that I work with is their unwillingness to let go of things. And 99% of the time, the things parents have the hardest time letting go of are the things that aren't actually within their control.

Be willing to let go of the things that you cannot control.

Be willing to let go of things that are not your priority. We live in a world that has normalized trying to do E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. We end up doing so many things that we can't do any of them well.

If it's not a priority, stop doing it.

This step is key to getting a transformation! When you commit to doing less, you'll actually get way more done!

Step #3 Be intentional

Being intentional is vital to creating a parenting transformation. Being unintentional is likely what has created your current circumstance. Most of what we do is unintentional. By shifting into intention, you will change who you are BEing.

To do this, really explore . . .
WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?
WHAT ARE MY VALUES?
WHAT ARE MY PRIORITIES?
WHAT ARE THE RESULTS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH AS A PARENT?

This doesn't mean that you will magically be perfectly intentional. Learn from the times that you are living out of intention. Recommit to BEing the change that you want to see.

Summer Is Perfect For Transformation

I believe that summer time is actually a better time to achieve a transformation, especially for parents like you!

Summer is only 2-3 months. You're not committing to a whole year like you did in January. It's doable.

You've got this.

Call to ACTION!

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My Top 3 Parenting Mistakes May 20, 2021

Show notes

"It's not how we make mistakes, but how we correct them that defines us."
~ Rachel Wolchin

#3 Catastrophizing!

This is one of my all-time favorites. Some people have accused me of making this word up, but it's a real word with a real definition.

catastrophize

: to imagine the worst possible outcome of an action or event: to think about a situation or event as being a catastrophe or having a potentially catastrophic outcome

This is one of the biggest mistakes that I make as a parent and that I see many of my clients making. They will see a circumstance, maybe their teen's action, and they will start worrying about the worst possible outcome.

"They'll die in a ditch somewhere," or, "They'll ruin their future," or, "They'll live in my basement FOREVER!"

I am guilty of doing this. When my sons want to blow off practice for their sport, my brain goes to, "They'll probably never play, if they even make the team at all."

#2 Trying to Fix, Change, or Control Your Teen.

This one is HUGE! This one rivals number one on this list. Again, this is something that I am often guilty of as a parent. And, it is something that I see over and over with the parents that I work with. Whether it's happening in my life, my clients lives, or your life, I can tell you this; you CANNOT fix, change, or control anyone else!

Not only is this something that you cannot do, but it will cause huge amounts of frustration and negative emotion in your life.

Trying to fix, change, or control your teen is trying to get part of their model to fit into your result line in your model.

Bonus - Honorable Mentions

Not knowing and/or defining your core values as a parent.
Not knowing and/or defining your role as a parent.
Trying to be perfect
Thinking you're not good enough

#1 Focusing On Things OUTSIDE of Your Control

This is the #1 thing that I am seeing right now in my own life and in my experience working with parents that is a "mistake." And, by mistake I mean that this is an action that they are taking that does not lead to the results that they want.

Recently I've worked with parents who are obsessed about the decisions that their teens are or are not making in regards to life choices, like school, grades, graduation, college, and marriage.

I've coached parents who are upset with their in-laws. They want them to behave differently when it comes to their grandkids and their roles as grandparents.

I recently coached a parent who found out about some of her teens actions from years in the past that could come with some pretty severe consequences. She is so worried about how others will take the news, whether her son will take responsibility, what will the family think, and so on.

In every circumstance, the answer is the same - identify what's within your control and what's outside of your control, let go of the things outside of your control, and double your focus on the things that are within your control.

Call to ACTION!

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This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.

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Loving Your Teen, Starts with Loving Yourself May 13, 2021

Show notes

Angie is a mom of 4 and wanted to get coaching to be more intentional with her parenting.

She realized that she was doing a lot of parenting out of either shame or fear. She was worried about what others thought about her and her parenting. This lead to her parenting in an attempt to please others that wasn't actually aligned with her values.

I wanted to share with you some of Angie's parenting models that she shared with us on the podcast.

C- Teen's choices
T- She's going to ruin her future or chances (What happens this year is final).
F- Fear
A- Nagging, threatening. trying to control her.
R- Negative interactions with daughter

C- Teen's choices
T- I am a great parent
F- Excitement
A- Pay attention to my kids.
R- A better relationship with my kids.

When parents parent out of fear, they are likely catastrophizing!

I use the term catastrophizing to mean when parents are thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. They are worried that they or their teen are doing something terribly wrong that will have a detrimental impact on their teen's life.

Catastrophizing always leads to parenting out of fear or shame.

Angie found that if she trusts her teenager, she shows up differently as a mom.

It's so Important to Develop Confidence As A Parent

it was fun to hear Angie talk about having confidence in her own parenting. She described it as, "Understanding my own values. Working through my own values. Understanding what I believe in, and having the confidence to parent that way, even if it looks different from what other people do."

If you never take the time to define what your role is, your role probably won't match the vision you have for yourself.

Many times we think we need to try to control our teens to prove that we're a good parent., but this is playing by other people's rules. You're trying to do what others think is important when it comes to parenting and this will defeat you.

Instead, believe that YOU ARE a good parent.

Angie said, "I'm a great parent by my own standards." This is all that matters. It doesn't matter what other parents think about you, parent to your standards and expectations.

When You Define Your Role, You Can Be Intentional In That Role.

Because Angie knows her personal role as a parent, she is able to be intentional with her relationships with her kids.

Often times we feel like we are at the mercy of our teens when it comes to our role as a parent or our relationship with them. Instead, think of a newborn. You love them no matter what. You are choosing to love them no matter what. For some reason, we forget how to do that with our teens.

Teens are just doing their best. Often times they look like adults, and they act like adults, but their brains are not yet fully developed. Keep this in mind when it comes to connecting with your teen.

Call to ACTION!

Stop beating yourself up for your parenting "mistakes".

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

You Can Transform Your Relationships May 06, 2021

Show notes

YOU Can Be The Change You Want To See!

I know I always say this, but it's still true! You CAN be the change that you want to see in your teen.

Lately, I've done a lot of relationship coaching on with one spouse or another about their relationship with their spouse, or with a mother-in-law, or with a parent. I use the same rules to coach them on these relationships as I use to coach them on their relationship with their teen.

You cannot change your spouse, your mother-in-law, or your parents. If you try, it will only cause contention. Your focus will be on them and their model and not on you or your model. This will put you in the position of the victim and you will have no power to change anything.

Instead, I invite you to explore how YOU can be the change that you want to see in your these relationships.

What Is a Relationship Transformation?

Relationship transformations happen when you change how you think about the other person in the relationship, how you feel towards them, and how you act towards them.

Notice that it DOES NOT require the other person to change or do anything.

How You Think:

How you think about someone dictates how to feel about them and towards them.

Your thoughts are simply the stories in your head that you tell yourself about the other person. Maybe stories like:
"They are so selfish," or
"They only think of themselves," or
"They are the ones who should . . ."

The stories you tell yourself about them will determine how you feel about and towards them.

Try stories like:
"They are doing their best," or
"I like it when they . . . " or
"I'm grateful for the way they . . . "

This will help create more loving and compassionate stories.

How You Feel:

Again, this is created by what you think. Take a minute and explore how you are feeling towards the other person.

Is it anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, or some other unpleasant emotion?

How would you like to feel towards them, love, compassion, patience, curiosity?

Once you understand how you feel and why (what thoughts are creating those feelings), you can now start to work on feeling the way you want to feel towards them (by intentionally choosing how you think about them).

How You Act:

Your feelings are constantly driving actions and inactions. How are you currently acting towards your loved one?

Are you trying to change them? Are you arguing with them, yelling at them, fighting with them.

How you would you like to act towards them? What would that change for YOU?

Transformations In My Life (From Caterpillar to Butterfly)

I have been blessed to witness powerful transformations in my life.

My brother Jason and I had a really rough relationship....Check out the rest of the story on the podcast or show notes.

Don't Simply Be a Better Caterpillar, Become a Butterfly

Let yourself completely be transformed. Let your relationships completely change. Stop holding on to old thoughts and beliefs. Let go of the grudges and the negative emotions.

Allow the transformation to happen. You'll be grateful that you did!

Call to ACTION! CLICK BELOW TO

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Interview with a Real Life Mom, Diana Apr 29, 2021

Show notes

CLICK HERE to Join My Monthly Parenting Membership!

"Can You Fix Us?"

We were hoping that you could fix us and our parenting, change our parenting, and fix our teen.

There's no magical fix. You actually have to do the work.

I CAN BE THE CHANGE!

Defining Your Role as a Parent

Having the vision of "Who do I want to be as a parent?", will empower you as a parent. When you set your intention, you are more likely to parent in alignment with your vision.

Explore, "Who do I want to be as a parent?" "How do I want to show up today?"

The change you are looking for is more about you that it is about your teen.

Diana's Daily Practices

Vision Statement I read my vision statement every morning and decide how I want to be and how I want to show up for my kids.

I practice when it's easy to build the habit and to be prepared for when it's hard. I try to show up intentionally.

Connect with my kids where they are. I regularly talk to them and listen to what's important to them. I drop my judgments. We don't have to agree to connect.

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How to Leave the Herd Mentality Behind Apr 22, 2021

Show notes

Firmly Founded Parent Membership

Human Beings are Herd Animals

This is not a bad thing. We have evolved this way. It has kept us alive as a species.

The problem is that most people aren't' aware of their herd mentality and the impact that it has on their lives and how they parent.

Some examples of herd thinking, feeling, and actions are religion, politics, and sports. There's nothing wrong with any of them, but often time people don't even realize that they are in a herd.

I've recently explored how being a herd animal is impacting how I live. From worrying about what people at church might be thinking, to wanting to fit in to my neighborhood, I have realized that I am constantly influenced my my various herds.

How Are You Being Impacted by Your Herd?

Again, being in a herd isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it might be impacting your life and your relationship with your teen in a negative way, especially if you are not aware of its impact.

Recently a mother got coaching on her teen's screen time. She said, "All these studies say that if my teen is on a screen for more than X amount of hours, they will be depressed. I'm constantly worried about her depression."

I asked, is your daughter depressed? To which the mother answered "No."

She was sucked into herd thinking. Simply adopting the thoughts and beliefs of others as her own.

Another parent recently told me about a support group that she was in. "All of the other parents in the group say . . . " Other parents were telling her things like, "Your teen should be getting better grades," or "They should be more grateful/respectful/kind/so much B.S" or "You poor thing," "It's so unfair."

This support group constantly left this parent feeling not good enough, victimized, and depressed.

How To Leave the Herd Mentality Behind.

Awareness Is the First Step
- Understand how you are being impacted by herd mentality.
- What are some of the thoughts and believs that you have simply adopted from your herd?
- How does that impact your emotions?
- What actions are you taking to fit in with the herd?
Be Intentional
- It's okay to think like the herd, if you're choosing to.
- It's okay to think differently from the herd.
- Emotions are less unpleasant when we manage them.
- Our emotions don't manage us when we manage them.
Join a New Herd
- This one is SO powerful. You are the average of all the people you spend the most time with. If you don't like a particular herd, leave it and join a new one.
- Facebook groups, book clubs, parenting groups can be powerful options.
- Join the Firmly Founded Parent.
- Meet others who think like you and who are learning new ways to think.

Call to ACTION!

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You'll get access to our growing video library, regular parenting workshops, and two individual 25 minute coaching session each month.

Start becoming the parent your teen wants to connect with.

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Myths and Truths About Procrastinating Teens Apr 15, 2021

Show notes

Lead Your Life Masterclass Info

Procrastination is a natural human habit and tendency, but you don't have to be its slave.
5 Myths About Procrastinating Teens

Myth #1 My Teen is Lazy.

Myth #2 Procrastination is a Character Flaw

Myth #3 Procrastination Will Ruin My Teen's Life

Myth #4 My Teen will ALWAYS Be a Procrastinator

Myth #5 Procrastination is a HUGE Problem

5 Truths About Procrastinating Teens

Truth #1 Procrastination is Part of Being Human

Truth #2 Your Teen Can Learn How to Stop Procrastinating

Truth #3 Your Teen Can Procrastinate and Still Be Successful

Truth #4 There Could be Countless Reasons Why Your Teen Procrastinates

Truth #5 Procrastination is Simply a Coping Tool, Often with Benefits

What Your Teen Will Learn in this Masterclass!

How to separate facts from thoughts
- Thoughts like "I'm not smart enough," or "I can't do this" will hold you back in your efforts.
- Facts like "Test on Thursday," are manageable when we are in control of our thoughts.
Managing emotions
- It's okay to feel overwhelmed and bored when you understand how to process them.
- Emotions are less unpleasant when we manage them.
- Our emotions don't manage us when we manage them.
How to create homework protocols
- Create a simple plan for the time between school and bed.
- This plan will empower you to both get things done and do the things you want.
- This will empower you for doing hard things as an adult.
How to motivate yourself
- No one can motivate you but YOU!
- What you choose to think and believe will create your motivation or lack of motivation.
What to do when you've fallen off the wagon
- Too many times when we fall off the wagon, we choose to give up.
- There are ways to use past mistakes to empower you.
- It's never too late to get back in the driver's seat.

Call to ACTION!

Join Joey Mascio and me on a Lead Your Life Masterclass Q&A call.

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Interview with Real Life Dad: Louis Apr 08, 2021

Show notes

Lead Your Life Masterclass Info

"External events should not affect how you feel."
~ Louis

Wheel of Life

This is a visual concept that I teach to help parents and teens understand that life is 50/50. It's 50% pleasant and 50% unpleasant. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong.

When things are going great in our lives, we are on the top of the wheel. When things kind of suck, or things aren't going how we want them to, we are on the bottom of the wheel.

Sometimes, when we are on the top of the wheel, we forget to enjoy where we are in life's journey, and we forget that being on the top isn't going to last forever. This leads us to think that something has gone wrong when we find ourselves on the bottom of the wheel.

When we are on the top of the wheel is the best time to prepare for the inevitable times that are coming when we will be on the bottom of the wheel.

When we practice when we are on the top of the wheel, when things are going well, we can prepare for the future struggles. This is an opportunity to be intentional about who we are and how we want to live. This way, when things get tough, we are prepared to be who we want to be.

Be Intentional with The Model

With the model and some self-coaching, you can be intentional with how you parent. You can understand the emotions that are driving your actions and creating your results. You can explore the thoughts and beliefs that create those feelings and start being intentional around your thinking.

We have 60,000 thoughts per day. You can't control all of them, but controlling a few of your thoughts will have a huge impact on the rest of your thoughts.

When you find evidence of how you teen is doing their best, how you feel towards them will change, which will change how you act.

Your brain is trying to do two things, find what you're looking for and prove you right. If you believe that there is something wrong with your teen, of if you believe you're a bad parent, your brain is going to constantly look for evidence to prove your thoughts.

It's easy to be intentional for a couple of days, but eventually you will revert back to who are are, unless you make this a daily practice.

Defining Your Role as a Parent

It's easy to not be intentional about your role as a parent. Often times you can get caught up in the day to day activities and never really get clear on your role as a parent.

When you don't define your role, parenting will be more difficult.

Chose your role for you! You get to determine how you want to parent.

You can't control your children, but you can double down on your efforts to control yourself.

If you focus on your model you will be empowered. If you focus on your teen's model, you we be the victim.

Call to ACTION!

Do you have a teenager who wants to do better not procrastinating? Join me and my fellow life coach Joey Mascio on a Q & A Call for the Lead Your Life Masterclass. Click the link below!

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Stop Procrastinating Masterclass for Teens with Joey Mascio Apr 01, 2021

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