IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

Parenting is Hard, and That's Okay!

First off, . . .

Go listen to this podcast.

This post will not do it justice!

I don't plan out my interviews, so it's I also don't write as detailed a post on my interviews.

And, YES, . . .

Parenting can be hard.

I love how Tara mentioned that God gives us hard things to do to help up depend on him. Anytime I'm struggling as a parent, or even as an entrepreneur, I like to remember that God is giving me these struggles to remind me to depend on him.

Focus On What YOU CAN Control

It's natural for parents to try to control their teens. When our teens were little toddlers, we had to control them.

Now that they are growing up, we no longer have the power to control them.

One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents making is trying to control things that aren't actually within their control.

They try to control everything from how much time their teen spends on their phone, to how they dress, to how they interact with their friend.

Trust your teen to not only make mistakes but to learn exactly what they need to learn from that mistake.

Your Teen IS Doing Their Best!

This was my favorite part of the conversation.

Tara showed us the perfect example of how your thoughts create your feelings.

When she chose to think, "He's doing his best!" she was filled with unconditional love.

Too often we choose to think, "They should be doing better!" which fills us with shame, guilt, worry, or fear.

Chose to believe that your teen IS doing their best!

It won't change your teen, but it will change YOU!

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Scary Feelings! Oct 14, 2021

Show notes

Are You and/or Your Teen Emotionally Healthy?

It's unfortunate that when most people refer to "Emotional Health", they are actually referring to the lack of emotional health.

I hear people saying things like, "They have some emotional health issues," or, "They are struggling with emotional health."

But, who actually knows what emotional health is?

When I ask teens, "What do you think Emotional Health is?" they usually tell me one of two things. Either, #1 "It means you're happy all of the time," or #2 "You struggle with depression and anxiety."

The truth is, neither of these is an example of emotional health.

I teach that Emotional health is the ability to experience ANY and ALL emotions and identify and process them.

Notice how emotional health has nothing to do with being happy all of the time? Notice also, that emotional health doesn't rule out uncomfortable emotions like depression and anxiety?

Emotional health means that you are capable of experiencing the whole range of emotions, from happy to sad, from excited to bored out of your mind.

Being able to experience any and all emotions is the first step in being emotionally healthy.

What Are Feelings and Emotions?

Feelings and emotions are energy and vibrations within your body. They can be uncomfortable, but they cannot physically hurt you.

Here are some examples of how we identify emotions in our bodies; “I’ve got butterflies in my stomach,” or “I’m having cold feet,” or “It took my breath away,” and, “I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders.”

Emotions are simply energy in your body.

Your emotions are created by your thoughts.

Scary Feelings

Sometimes it can be scary to experience feelings.

Much of what we do as human beings is in an effort to avoid feelings that we don't want to feel, like embarrassment, shame, guilt, boredom, and sadness.

The thing is, none of these feelings can actually physically hurt us.

They're simply uncomfortable.

Emotions Aren't As Scary As We Fear

Let's look back at our imagined scenario of creepy eyes in the woods.

I live in Utah, so the chances of those eyes belonging to a tiger are pretty slim. I've never seen a bear up close in the wild, so this is pretty slim too. And, I've been told that dragons don't exist, so it's not going to be a dragon.

It's way more likely to be a rabbit, a deer, or some other harmless animal.

The same is true about scary feelings.

It's never as bad as we fear.

Developing Emotional Health for YOU and Your Teen!

Today, it seems like everyone wants to improve their emotional health or their teen's emotional health.

It's become kind of a buzzword.

I want to share with you some simple things that YOU can do to improve your own emotional health and how this will impact your teen's emotional health.

First of all, you have no control over your teen's emotional health, but you do influence their emotional health.

So, if you want your teen to improve their emotional health, improve your own and trust that that will have a positive impact on their emotional health!

Call to ACTION!

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The Thinker of Your Thoughts Oct 07, 2021

Show notes

You Can't Stop Thinking!

Because you are human, your brain is constantly at work, whether you are awake or asleep, whether you are concentrating or daydreaming, your brain is constantly thinking.

The goal of coaching isn’t to turn off your brain or to even control your thoughts.

The goal is to be able to be aware of your thoughts and to have the power to manage your thoughts.

You CANNOT control all of your thoughts.

There are Different Types of Thoughts

This is not an all-inclusive list. These are just a few common thoughts.

Beliefs
- These are thoughts that we believe to be true. Many of our beliefs are unconscious beliefs, meaning we think them without even being aware of them.
- These unconscious beliefs have the power to drive and influence our thinking patterns.
Interpretations and Judgements
- Interpretations are how we apply meaning to our circumstances.
- Nothing has meaning until we give it meaning.
Worries and Fears
- These are thoughts that make us feel anxious, worried, and afraid.
- Our brains have evolved to find and focus on the negative (I call this catastrophizing).
- I recently read that 85% of our thoughts are negative.
Desire and Gratitude
- These or the things that we want. You cannot want something without thinking about it.
- Gratitude is wanting what you have.
Habitual Thoughts
- These are thoughts that you think without even thinking about it. These thoughts are habits.
Herd Mentality
- Thoughts and beliefs that you have adopted as your own because they are the thoughts and beliefs of your herd.
- It’s part of human nature to think similar to those around you.

YOU, Your Thoughts, Models, and Ways of BEing

Your thoughts drive your model.

Your thoughts reflect your way of BEing.

This is why it is so important to BE the thinker of your thoughts.

Are You the Hero of Your Stories?

The stories you tell reflect your thoughts.

Stories show up in how we talk to others and how we talk to ourselves.

I call the stories in your own head your personal narrative.

It’s important to be aware of these stories and how they impact our lives.

In your stories, you can either show up as the hero or the victim.

If you’re like most parents, you’ve been guilty of positioning yourself as the victim from time to time.

This usually looks like blaming others and/or complaining about others. This looks like focusing on things outside of your control.

When you position yourself as the hero, you take responsibility and you focus on things within your control.

The stories you allow yourself to tell impact how you feel and act.

Your stories create your reality.

Thought Disrupter Steps/Dialog (check out the shownotes)

Jim Fortin teaches, “You are where your attention is.”

Where is Your Attention?

You have the power to choose where you will place your attention.

Call to ACTION!

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#2 Come hang out with us at our Firmly Founded Family Fall Festival on October 9th, 2021 from 4:00 - 7:00 pm MST.

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What Are Your Values? Sep 30, 2021

Show notes

Do You Know What Your Values Are?

If you are like most people, you have a pretty good idea of what your personal values are, but I'm guessing you don't really spend a lot of time thinking about it.

Sometimes when I work with teens who think that they have no values.

Everyone has values, but most people don't take the time to identify them or really even think about them.

That's okay, but it can sometimes be hard to know exactly what your values are.

Sometimes we think one thing is a value when in reality it's the exact opposite that is your value.

How To Identify Your Values.

Your values live in your subconscious thoughts. Usually, you don't even know about them, but they still impact your actions and behaviors.

Your values are a way of BEing. You live and express your values subconsciously without even thinking.

Your values drive you.

Your current results and reality are a reflection of your values.

“Whatever you have and do not have is a reflection of your values.”
~ Jim Fortin

So, if you want to know exactly what your values are, look at your results.

Oftentimes people will tell me that their health is their top value and then when I ask about their health they tell me, "Well I'm not there yet," or "I'm working on getting healthy."

In this example, their results don't reflect the value of health because it's not their driving value.

Sometimes people tell me that they want to be healthy, but they can't stop eating junk food and binge-watching Netflix all day.

These results would indicate that their driving values are comfort, satisfaction, and being entertained.

I have one client who told me that he valued working hard, taking risks, having lots of responsibility, but he is in a job that he hates. When I asked why he told me about the security he has in his job, the comfort that is salary affords him.

In this example, he values comfort and security more than he values working hard, taking risks, and having lots of responsibility.

Conflicting Values

We all have conflicting values; it's part of being human.

But when you become aware of this, you gain the power to choose one value over the other.

For example, you might have conflicting values of BEing healthy and BEing a "Foodie."

It might make it hard to be healthy if you value eating lots of good food.

I struggled with this. As a former lineman/football player, I valued eating lots of food. It was comforting, and I was kind of proud that I could out eat everyone.

Turns out this value makes it hard to be healthy.

When we have conflicting values, the value that offers the most immediate reward usually wins.

When we have conflicting values, the value that offers the most intense pleasure usually wins.

In this case, good, tasty, satisfying foot beats out boring old health.

This is where choice plays a vital role.

You Get to Choose Your Values!

You have a choice!

You are not at the mercy of your values. You get to choose your values.

You can either accept the values that are creating your results or choose new values that create new results.

You have the advantage that you can gain some awareness surrounding your values. With that awareness, you can now be intentional and start choosing different values.

Call to ACTION!

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What if You're Already the Perfect Parent? Sep 23, 2021

Show notes

What If You Were The Perfect Parent?

I asked this the other day in one of my Impact Parenting Group calls. This idea of "perfect" parenting kind of shook the zoom room.

There's so much shame around the word "perfect".

Most parents just believe that they aren't perfect and that they aren't good enough.

If you're like most parents, you believe this too, and it leads to shame, worry, and fear.

BUT, . . .

. . . What if YOU were the perfect parent?

What would that change in your life?

What would that change in your parenting?

What would it change about you?

If you're like most parents, you have never even considered the possibility that YOU ARE the perfect parent. Yet, if you're like most parents, you've probably considered that you might be the "worst" parent ever.

I want you to consider this instead . . .

"What if I AM the perfect parent for my teen?"

What is YOUR Definition of Perfect?

The problem is, if you're like most people, your definition of "perfect" is what the world has told you is the definition of "perfect".

The world will tell you that "perfect" means doing everything "right" and/or making no mistakes.

But what if I told you that this is not what makes you a perfect parent.

The truth is, your teen is not perfect, and you are not perfect, and this is what makes you perfect for each other.

My definition of perfect is more like being a "good fit" or being "exactly what is needed" or "doing your best."

YOU get to define what "perfect" means for YOU in your role as a parent.

For me, being the perfect dad means that I am willing to love my teen no matter what. It means that I am doing my best. It means that I am an example of making mistakes and making the most of it. It means that I am exactly what my teenager needs.

What If You Believed You Were The Perfect Parent?

I want you to really ask yourself this, "What if I believed that I was the perfect parent?"

What would that change for you?

If you're like most of my clients, if you believed that you were the perfect parent, . . .

You would have more compassion for yourself,
You would have more confidence,
You would trust yourself, and
You would be happier!

What if YOU believed that you were a perfect parent? What would change for you.

For me, I started trusting myself. I started having my own back. I started believing that not only is my best good enough, but it is exactly what is needed.

Believing that I am a perfect dad has helped me parent with confidence. It has helped me be happier in my relationships with my kid.

It has completely changed how I see myself. My brain is now looking for evidence that I AM the perfect parent.

You Are The Perfect Parent!

You are the perfect parent!

Being the perfect parent doesn't mean that you never make mistakes.

Being the perfect parent means that you trust

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3 Tips to Make Parenting Simple Sep 16, 2021

Show notes

How To Make Parenting Simple!

#1 Define Your Role!

One of the things that makes parenting harder that it needs to be is Not knowing your role!
- If you don't know what your role, or purpose, is as a parent, everything feels like a battle.
When you don't define your parenting role, you get tossed from one roll to the other.
It's hard to be intentional when you don't know what your role is.

#2 Only Focus on What YOU Can Control.

One of, if not THE, most powerful things you can do as a parent is to shift your focus from what you cannot control to what you CAN control.
One of the things that makes parenting hard is trying to control things outside of your control. When we focus on things outside of our control, we waste a lot of effort on something that is outside of our control. It's exhausting because nothing changes.
Things you might be focusing on that are OUTSIDE of your control:
- Your teen's behavior,
- Their grades,
- Their decisions,
- Their thoughts and feelings,
- Their results/consequences.
Things you could focus on that are WITHIN your control:
- How you think,
- How you feel,
- How you act,
- Your ways of BEing.
Parenting is much more simple when you only have to worry about what you can actually control.

#3 Make Your Personal Growth the Priority Rather than Your Teen's Personal Growth.

Most parents focus on the growth, or more accurately their perceived lack of growth, with their teen. If you're like most parents, you've done this too, and you've been frustrated or disappointed with the growth.
Instead, focus on your own personal growth. Make that your priority.
You can't change, fix, or control your teen, BUT . . .
. . . When you make your own personal growth a priority, you will have a more intentional and positive impact on your teen.
When we focus on others' personal growth, or lack there of, we cannot focus on our own personal growth.
We cannot focus on two things at once.
Make your own personal growth a priority.

BONUS #1 Choose Love!

It sounds overly simple, but what if it really is just this simple? CHOOSE LOVE!
What if loving your teen was your ONLY job? Wouldn't that make your job easier?
Love is always an option when it comes to you and your teen.
Love is a simple choice with no down side.

BONUS #2 Trust Yourself 100%

The other day I was on a group coaching call in the Impact Parenting Program, and I was talking about BEing a "perfect" parent.
Someone told me that they would never use the example of a perfect parent because there is so much shame around whether or not you are perfect.
I get it, "mom guilt" and "dad shame" are a thing, but THEY ARE OPTIONAL!
What if you believed that you were the PERFECT parent? How would you feel? How would you act? How would you BE?
This might sound boastful, BUT . . .
. . . I believe that I am the PERFECT dad for my family.
I know tons of people who would disagree. They might say, "Ben SUCKS! He's the worst dad I've ever seen."

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How to Be the Hero in Your Relationships Sep 09, 2021

Show notes

Principles of Being a Relationship Hero

#1 Be 100% Responsible for YOUR Relationship with Them

If you're like most people, you've blamed your relationship on the other person in the relationship.
- "If my teen would . . . "
- "If they would start . . . "
You are responsible for how you feel towards the other person in your relationship.
Relationsponsibility (Joey's made up word)

#2 Relationship Hero vs Relationship Victim

Victims and sidekicks have to rely on somebody else.
Save yourself in the relationship.

#3 Be the Change You Want to See

Want your teen to be more confident? You start by BEing more confident.
Want your teen to be more respectful, You start by BEing more respectful.

#4 Your Relationships are a Reflection of Your Relationship with Yourself

Want a better relationship with your teen? Improve your relationship with yourself.
This may mean that you will need to change some of your self-talk, which will impact how you start talking with your teen.

#5 How YOU Think about Them, How YOU Think about Yourself, and How YOU Think they think.

How you think about YOURSELF in the relationship.
How you think about THEM in the relationship.
How you think THEY think about YOU in the relationship

Call to ACTION!

My BETA Impact Parenting Program is now live, and the doors are closed . . .

. . . BUT . . .

. . . If you want to take your parenting to the next level, you can still join the Firmly Founded Parent.

Now that my Impact Parenting Program is up and running, we're going to be revamping and improving the Firmly Founded Parent, and I want you to join us to make it the best monthly parenting membership EVER!

Join TODAY!!

YES! I WANT IN!!
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What Can You Learn from Your Child Sep 02, 2021

Show notes

Choose to Love!

What a pleasure to interview Bonnie Lyman from Bonnie Lyman Coaching!

When I interview people, I like it to be natural and unscripted. So, to be completely transparent, I don't plan out my interviews, which makes it harder to make show notes.

So, if you want to get all of the amazing teachings that Bonnie shared, make sure that you listen to this episode. These show notes don't do it justice.

I love that she taught us that you have to CHOOSE LOVE! I think that since loving others comes so naturally, we forget that sometimes we need to intentionally choose to love some people in our lives.

Especially when our teens are challenging our beliefs and expectations, it can be hard to love. That is when it is powerful to remember that YOU have the power to choose love!

Loving Your Children Starts with Loving Yourself!

Your relationships with your teens are a reflection of your relationship with yourself! If you want a better relationship with your teen, story working on your relationship with yourself.

I've seen this show up in so many ways for parents and teens.

Want to love your teen more? Then love yourself more!

Want to trust your teen more? Trust yourself more.

Every relationship you have is a reflection of your own inner relationship with yourself.

Bonnie talked about inviting clients to find 5 things that they like about themselves every day. This is a powerful exercise. I invite you to do this. If you struggle with this, come join our parenting membership, The Firmly Founded Parent. Inside this group, you will learn how to really love and trust yourself, and your teen, and how to start parenting with confidence.

What Can You Learn From Your Teen?

This is one of my latest kicks. What can YOU learn from your teen? What are they trying to teach YOU?

When you position yourself as the learner, it changes the dynamic of your relationship. It helps you see your teen from a different perspective. It allows your teen to have a powerful impact on your life as an equal, rather than as a lesser person because they're not an adult, or because they are your child.

I've been doing this work in my own life right now, and it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!

It completely changes how I see my teen.

When I ask, "What can I learn from him?" I start to see him as someone with SO much wisdom, someone I can trust.

And guess what? . . .

I ACTUALLY LEARN FROM HIM!

He's helped me learn a massive amount of patience. He's helped me learn that I don't know as much as I think I know. He's helped me understand that just because I was a teen, doesn't mean that I understand what it's like to be a teen today. He's helped me learn that I am at my best as a dad when I am learning and growing myself. He's helped me learn that I want to be more like him in more ways than I previously realized.

Seriously, try positioning yourself as the learner in the relationship with your teen.

Call to ACTION!

My BETA Impact Parenting Program is now live, and the doors are closed . . .

. . . BUT . . .

. . . If you want to take your parenting to the next level, you can still join the Firmly Founded Parent.

Join TODAY!!

YES! I WANT IN!!

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My Top 3 Lessons From Coaching Football Aug 26, 2021

Show notes

Join the Firmly Founded Parent membership TODAY!!

I LOVE Football!

First, I want to say that I LOVE football!

It really helped me as a struggling teen, and even as an adult, football plays a beneficial part in my life.

Lessons I've Learned So Far that You Can Use with You and Your Teen!

Feedback is important!

This is the first year that I've coached with this set of coaches.

One of the things that I've noticed that sets the best coaches apart from the others is their ability to give consistent feedback!

The coaches who are most respected give consistent feedback. Do something wrong, they're going to calmly let you know. Do something right, they're going to calmly let you know. The best coaches give players feedback, for example coaching on how to block better, then they wait and watch for you to do it right so they can give you feedback in the form of praise.

Recently in talking with my son, he told me that he didn't like certain coaches. When I asked him "Why?" he explained that he didn't think that they liked him. Again, I asked my favorite coaching question, "Why?" To which he answered, "I don't think they like anyone. They never tell us anything. They never talk to us."

How can you consistently offer feedback? What feedback would you like to offer?

For me it's teaching my teen, it's praising his efforts, and it's letting him know that everything is just right.

You are responsible for your culture!

I love the team that I am coaching with, and I am grateful for the opportunity. I want to be clear about that!

I also want to share some of the lessons that I've noticed and some things that you might be able to apply in your home.

This lesson has become glaringly obvious lately.

You are responsible for your culture.

Recently I overheard some coaches complaining about players being late. The funny thing was, this group of coaches is consistently late themselves. They are responsible for the culture that they are complaining about. Not only do they tolerate players being late, but they also model that behavior by being late themselves.

Being responsible for your culture is both a blessing and a curse. We can see the negative impact in the example above.

This is also a blessing because if you want to change your culture, it starts with YOU.

Be the change that you want to see.

How are you responsible for the culture in your home, both the good and the bad?

How can you take responsibility for your culture? Where would you like to start BEing different?

For me in my home, it's positioning myself as the hero by avoiding my tendency to complain and blame. It's creating a culture of responsibility and BEing the hero of our own stories.

Excitement is contagious!

It's been fun to coach with these coaches. One of the new coaches is my son's favorite coach. When I asked him, "Why?", he said, because he's always happy and excited. This coach is one big buff, athletic-looking, dude! When he gets excited, it's a little scary because he's so massive, but EVERYONE around him gets excited.

What if you got excited every time you saw your teen? What if that was one of your new ways of BEing? What impact would that have on you and your teen's life?

For me, it's celebrating my teen's victories and successes. It's being excited to see him and spend time with him.

Call to ACTION!

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Tools for Managing Stress & Anxiety For You & Your Teen Aug 19, 2021

Show notes

Stress is Impacting EVERYONE These Days!

This DOESN'T Have To Be A Bad Thing!

What You and Your Teen Can Do!

Here are a few things that you and your teen can try to help you gain some power and control over your stress and anxiety.

Gain some awareness when it comes to stress and anxiety.
- Most people avoid feeling stress and anxiety, and because they avoid it, they never fully experience it, and they never truly become aware of what's trully going on.
- To gain some awareness around it start with the feeling itself and explore it.
  - When you feel stressed and/or anxious, identify it.
  - Explore what it feels like.
  - Where do you feeling it?
  - How often do you feel it and when are you most likely to feel it?
  - How long do you feel it and how intensely do you feel it?
- Next move to the thoughts that precede it.
  - What where you thinking just before you started feeling anxious?
  - What triggered those thoughts?
  - What subconscious thoughts might have triggered the feeling.
- Then move to the actions that follow the feelings.
  - When I feel stressed and anxious, what do I want to do?
  - What do I NOT want to do?
  - What habits to I engage in when I feel this way?
Develop some intentional habits and practices when you feel stressed and anxious.
- I hate to tell you this, but stress and anxiety aren't going away, but you CAN create some intentional habits and practices that you would like to fall back on when you do feel anxious or nervous.
- For me, I am in the habit of exploring and understanding it.
- I'm also in the habit of "Doing Scary Things."
  - That's right. When I'm nervous, I intentionally do the thing making me nervous. I want to BE someone who does scary things.
Develop some routines that help you prevent, minimize, and manage stress and anxiety.
- I recommend doing daily thought downloads to help you be aware of the thoughts behind your stress and anxiety.
- Some of my clients really benefit from bedtime/sleep routines.
- Some of my clients really benefit from morning routines.
- Weekend routines may help.
Identify what you can and can't control and shift your focus.
- I've noticed a pattern with people who are feeling stressed and anxious, they focus on things outside of their control.
- They focus on things from the past (outside of their control) or things from the future (again, outside of their control).
- When you are stressed and anxious, identify what you are focusing on that is outside of your control.
- Then, identify a few things that you can control and shift your focus to that and TAKE CONTROL!
Remember that NOTHING has gone wrong!
- Stress and anxiety don't have to be bad!
- What you are going through can be for your good.
- It can make you stronger.
- This is part of being human.

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