IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

What's a "Tough" Parenting Moment?

Bottom line is, whether or not a parenting moment is "TOUGH" or not is based on your thoughts about the moment.

Tough parenting moments can be anything from a fight with your teen, to broken rules, to letting go and letting your teen make their own mistakes.

If you're like most parents, you've experienced tons of "tough" parenting moments.

You know the frustration, disappointment, anger, and even sorrow that can come with tough parenting moments.

What you might not know is that these tough parenting moments are actually HUGE opportunities!

These moments are opportunities for growth, for both you and your teen, and for powerful connection.

Most Parents Want "Tough" Parenting Moment to Go Away

Most parents simply want these tough parenting moments to go away.

Tough parenting moments can be super uncomfortable, but that's not the answer.

When it comes to tough parenting moments, most parents spend tons of energy trying to make the problem go away or trying to change their teen, hoping that will make it go away.

If you're like most parents, you're probably guilty of avoiding tough parenting moments.

The bottom line is, tough parenting moments aren't the problem.

If you're trying to avoid tough parenting moments, you are missing out on powerful parenting moments.

"Tough" Parenting Moments are Actually HUGE Opportunities

If you're like most parents and trying to skip, change, or avoid tough parenting moments, you're going to miss these huge opportunities.

Instead, I want to invite you to start looking at this "tough" parenting moments as opportunities.

I want you to start looking for opportunities in two areas, growth and connection.

Growth

If you're experiencing tough parenting moments, these are nothing more than opportunities to grow.

It's only tough because it's challenging.

Challenges force us to grow.

Commit to learning whatever lessons are there to be learned. Not only will this help you grow as a parent, but this is part of the process of continual development.

Don't pass up the opportunities for growth because you're trying to avoid these "tough" parenting moments.

Connection

This was one of my secrets as a high school principal and one of the reasons I was so successful.

"Tough" parenting moments are an opportunity to build and improve your connection with your teen.

I learned this as a principal. I noticed that often, when I had to discipline my students because they had gotten in trouble, afterward we had a way better relationship than we had had before.

I had the power to turn these moments of students being in trouble into powerful moments of connection and friendship.

All I had to do was stay calm, listen, treat the student with kindness and fairness, and do my best to let them know that I wasn't mad and that I cared about them.

And here's the best part.

This made those "tough" principaling moments even easier.

You can do the exact same thing and make tough parenting moments powerful opportunities for connection.

These are nothing more than opportunities to stay calm, listen, treat your teen with kindness and fairness, and do your best to let them know that you aren't mad and that you love and care about them.

How To Turn "Tough" Parenting Moments into Powerful Parenting Moments

Find the opportunities
Commit to connection
Embrace the moment

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Better than Happy with Jody Moore Dec 23, 2021

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Better Than Happy Amazon link

It's Common to Think Your Not Good Enough

We have 60,000 thoughts each day. 85% of those thoughts are negative. 95% of those thoughts are habitual thoughts.

It's okay!

This is part of being human.

You do though, have the power to retrain your brain and develop new thought patterns.

It's natural to think that you are not good enough, but I promise you that you are good enough! You are exactly the parent that your teen needs.

Now, you get to move forward and become the parent of your dreams.

Powerful Questions

The quality of your life is a reflection of the quality of questions that you ask yourself.

Jody shared some powerful questions.

Who do I want to be NOW?
What would love do?
What's the most loving thing to do next?
What if nothing's gone wrong here?
What if this was always meant to happen this way?

I like to ask "How can I be the change I want to see in the other person?"

Reprograming Your Brain Is Uncomfortable

Resisting your emotions slows down the process.

You get to choose how you think.

Embrace your present reality!

Practice identifying and understanding your thoughts.

It's natural to think negatively, and most of our thoughts are simply habitual and patterns.

Your Children's Struggles Make them Stronger

The experiences our children go through give them confidence.

They gain confidence, compassion, identity, skills, everything from overcoming trials.

This is something that I am actually working on in my home with my teenagers, all of my kids actually.

I want to allow them, invite them, and even challenge them to do hard things.

This helps me fulfill my role as a dad.

It also helps my kids develop so many qualities that I want them to develop.

Better Than Happy by Jody Moore

Better Than Happy Audible link

You can learn more about Jody at:

Jodymoore.com

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Boundaries Made Simple Dec 16, 2021

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Boundaries Aren't Meant to Control Anyone

One of the biggest mistakes I see parents making when it comes to boundaries is when they make a boundary hoping that it will change their teen's behavior.

Anytime you are hoping to change your teen's behavior, that is more of a manual or manipulation than it is a boundary.

Boundaries aren't meant to control anyone, especially not the other person.

It is important to remember that you cannot control anyone other than yourself.

Any effort made to control your teenager is an example of your focus being on things outside of your control.

This positions you as a victim because you are at the mercy of someone other than yourself.

Boundaries Are More For YOU

Setting boundaries is more for your benefit than for anyone else's benefit. In fact, most boundaries don't even need to ever be expressed to the other person.

Another common mistake with boundaries is focusing on the other person.

What the other person does or doesn't do is less important than what YOU will do.

For example, I have a boundary that If you yell at me, I will leave.

I usually don't ever tell the other person about this boundary. I simply notice that a boundary has been crossed, and I leave.

I don't even need to involve the other person.

I learned this when I was a high school football player. When the team would be talking dirty or horsing around, I simply got up and left. I didn't need to change them, I didn't want to be a part of their behavior, so I just left.

The same is true when you are raising your teen. Boundaries are more for your benefit than for theirs.

Sometimes you might share your boundaries with them, but it's not a requirement.

The Best Boundaries are Set with Love

Another mistake that I see when it comes to boundaries is setting them out of anger or fear.

You don't have to be mad to set or enforce a boundary.

But, the best boundaries are set and executed with love.

The best boundaries are set with an inward focus of "what can I control?" or "how do I want to show up here?"

It sets the other person free to be themselves and do whatever they want, but it gives you clear guidance and direction as to how you show up.

Boundaries are Meant to Be Simple

Another common mistake when it comes to setting boundaries with your teen is overcomplicating the boundary.

Boundaries are meant to be simple.

This will make your life easier and your teen's life easier.

An example of overcomplicating boundaries is when you have complex consequences or rewards for the other person's behavior. Usually the more complex the boundary, the more likely it is that you are actually trying to change, control, or manipulate the other person.

I see this a lot with parents and their teen's grades. Sometimes the parents get super creative and they have tons of different consequences and rewards, depending on what their teen does. The problem is, the more complex things are the more confused everyone will be when it actually comes to the boundary.

Keep boundaries simple for your sake and the other person.

Simple Boundaries = If you ____, I will ____.

Simple boundaries are, "If you _____, I will ______.

"If you yell at me, I will leave the room."

"If you fail math, I will not pay for your phone."

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Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone with Ali Terry Dec 09, 2021

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Discomfort Sparks Growth

Most people who sign up for coaching with me do it because they are experiencing discomfort of some kind.

They want to change something so that they can feel better.

Discomfort isn't a problem, it's just part of the human experience. Discomfort helps us know when something is wrong. Discomfort helps us know that it's time to make a change.

Discomfort has the power to fuel the effort to create a change.

When we can look at discomfort this way, without judgement and shame, we can see discomfort as simply an invitation to start growing and creating change.

Growth comes with Discomfort

As I mentioned, most parents who come to me looking for coaching, are coming to me because they are experiencing discomfort.

In fact, growth itself is uncomfortable.

If you're like most parents, when you started working on your own growth, you simply traded your old discomfort for a new discomfort.

It's important to realize that discomfort doesn't mean that something has gone wrong.

Identify and Lean Into The Discomfort

It's important to identify the discomfort that you are experiencing.

Most of the world tries to avoid all discomfort at all costs.

Once you identify your discomfort, what it feels like, what's causing it, you have the power to choose whether or not you will continue with the discomfort.

Most of The World Tries To Avoid Discomfort

If you're like most parents, like most humans actually, you try to avoid discomfort.

This is something that we are hard-wired to do. Avoiding discomfort keeps us safe and comfortable.

Avoiding discomfort will halt your own personal growth.

This is why it's important to continuously embrace discomfort.

Embrace Discomfort As Part of The Process

Discomfort is part of the process of growth and improvement.

Embrace it!

It doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong.

Oftentimes the discomfort that we're avoiding, like fear, worry, or anger, is actually exactly what we need to lean into for growth.

This has been true of the parents that I work with that are afraid and worried about their teens choices.

Be Aware of Your Discomfort

Where is your discomfort coming from?
What's causing your discomfort?
Where are you feeling the discomfort?
Is it inviting you to change?
Is it due to growth?

2. Buckle Up

This is going to be a ride!
Be committed to the process.
Don't give up when it's hard and uncomfortable.
Be willing to change and do something different.

3. Choose Your Discomfort Based On Desired Results

It's uncomfortable to go to the gym, but we do it because we want the results of being healthy.
Understand that you will likely be uncomfortable either way, might as well choose the discomfort that connects to your goals.

4. Lean Into Your Fear

Sometimes the thing making you uncomfortable is the actual answer or solution.
Be willing to lean into the uncomfortable emotion.

5. Be Patient, Allow the Growth Rather Than Forcing It

Don't Force It
Have Compassion For Yourself.

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How to Sleep Better Dec 02, 2021

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Why is Sleep So Important?

Sleep is SUPER Important, and yet it's often one of the first things to sacrifice when you're busy or ignore when you're busy.

A lack of sleep has been linked to several physical, mental, and emotional problems.

One of the things that teens that I work with have told me is that they started to feel better when they started sleeping better.

Sleep is literally a bodily function.

You have to sleep.

Could you imagine if you didn't go to the bathroom for a day or eat or drink for a day?

It would seriously impact how you function from day to day.

Things That Keep You From Sleeping

There are so many things that can keep you and your teen from sleeping, so this won't be an all-inclusive list, but it's helpful to know some of these things.

One of the things that I see that keeps both teens and parents from sleeping better is the lack of a pre-sleep routine.

If you're like many of the parents and teens that I coach, you probably don't have a clearly defined pre-sleep routine and as a result, you might find yourself taking longer to wind down and finally fall asleep.

Screen-time right before bed is also a common culprit when it comes to making it harder to fall asleep. Many of the teens that I work with fall asleep with their phone in hand.

One of the other common issues that keeps some parents and teens from sleeping is having an active mind at bedtime. Just when you want your brain to start winding down, your brain seems to want to go into overdrive.

It's important to gain some awareness around exactly what is keeping you from sleeping. Once you have an awareness and understanding, you can then be intentional about how you will address the things that are keeping you from sleeping.

Things That Help You Sleep

One of the biggest things that I've found that helps me and my teen and parent clients is to develop a bedtime routine that you can follow easily.

I understand that it can be hard to do at times with the hectic schedules that seem to go hand in hand with raising teenagers, but I promise, this is something that can help!

For me, I understand that I have to stop working at least an hour before bedtime, preferably two. It helps me to limit my screen time at least 30 minutes before bedtime, preferably 60-90 minutes.

I've also found it to be helpful to do things that help me be tired at night, whether this is walking, playing sports, or simply being more active. Sometimes this is a simple and fun way to ensure that you are ready to zonk-out at night.

Ultimately, it's important to be willing to try new things and see what works for you!

It's also important to realize that your sleep habits are just that, habits. It might take a little time to build some new habits that support sleep and to break some old habits that inhibit sleep.

5 Simple Tips to Help You and Your Teen Sleep Better
1. Develop a bedtime routine that is easy and doable.

2. Manage your mind morning and/or night.

3. Be more active throughout the day.

4. Have a good morning routine that is easy and doable, even when you're tired.

5. Decrease pre-bedtime distractions.

Improving Your Sleep Is An Easy Way to Improve Everything Else

If you're like most parents that I know, you could stand to improve your sleep.

If you want to have more mental and emotional control, try improving your sleep.

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How to Regain Parental Control Nov 25, 2021

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"I Feel Like I'm Losing Control!"

One of the things that I hear the most from parents is, . . .

. . . "I feel like I'm losing control!"

The next thing they tell me is, . . .

. . . "I don't know what to do!"

If you're like most parents, you've probably experienced this before and felt completely out of control and lost as to what to do about it.

If you're like most parents, this probably leads to fighting, arguing, and power struggling with your teen, and it's NO FUN AT ALL!

One of the hardest things about raising a teenager is realizing that you can't control what you used to control.

And to be honest, this is a hard transition for your teen too.

The Problem Is You're Trying To Control What You Can't Control

Trying to control things outside of your control is one of the biggest mistakes parents make.

The biggest problem with this is that it that your focus is on things outside of your control, positioning you as the victim.

When you focus on things outside of your control, you lose focus of the things that you actually can control.

If you've ever said, . . . "I feel like I'm losing control!" . . .

. . . It's because you are trying to control things that are outside of your control.

When you try to control things outside of your control you feel out of control and lost, which is why you're probably thinking, "I don't know what to do!"

What You Can and Cannot Control

One of the most basic and yet powerful exercises that I have parents do is to create a T-Chart identifying what they Can and Cannot control.

Once you identify the things outside of your control, you can LET THEM GO!

Once you let go of things outside of your control, you can now re-focus that energy on things within your control.

Here are some examples of things you CANNOT control:

Your teenager,
Their thoughts, feelings, actions, and results,
Their choices with friends,
Their friends,

Here are some examples of things you CAN control:

YOU,
Some of your thoughts and feelings,
Your actions and results
Your choices,

When you can discern between what you CAN and CANNOT control you will have more power to let go of things outside of your control.

How To Regain Control

The only way to regain control is to let go of things outside of your control and control ONLY what is within your control.

This is freaking POWERFUL!

How to Control Only What You Can Control!

Gain Awareness! What CAN you and what CAN'T you control?

2. Practice letting go of what you CANNOT control!

3. Give what you CAN control your energy and attention!

4. Trust that others are DOING THEIR BEST!

5. Trust that YOU are DOING YOUR BEST!

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3 Steps to Self-Care Nov 18, 2021

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Put On YOUR Oxygen Mask FIRST!

If you're like most parents, you've been guilty of putting everybody else's needs above your own.

If you're like most parents, you've probably bragged about some of the sacrifices that you've made for your children.

Sacrificing for your loved ones isn't the problem.

The problem is when you take care of the needs of others at the expense of your own needs.

This is a huge problem because if you don't take care of your needs, who will?

If you don't take care of your needs, you have less power to help and serve others.

If you've ever traveled by plane, you've been instructed to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.

If you want to be the parent of your dreams, YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR SELF-CARE A PRIORITY!

Only YOU Can Know Your Needs

One of the things parents tell me, especially mothers, is . . .

. . . "I don't even know what my needs are."

I get it.

You've spent your whole life as a parent focusing on the needs of your children, and possibly your spouse, and you've forgotten how to focus on YOU.

Only you can know your needs.

No one else can figure your needs out for you.

So I want to invite you to make identifying and meeting your needs a priority.

Reconnect with YOU

The best way to identify and understand your needs is to reconnect with yourself.

To reconnect with yourself, explore powerful questions like:

“What are my “needs” and why?”
“What are my wants and why?”
“What am I feeling and why?”
“How are these feelings impacting me?”
“When am I at my best as a parent?”
“How do I want to BE as a parent?”
“What supports me BEing at my best?”

As you reconnect with yourself you will start to shift your focus back to things within your control.

You will start to understand what helps you BE at your best as a parent.

Make YOU A Priority

Like I said earlier, ONLY YOU can meet your needs.

I invite you to make YOU and your needs a priority.

One of my clients said, "But it feels so SELFISH!"

Let me show you her unintentional model.

Circumstance ~ Self-Care
Thought ~ Putting my needs first is selfish.
Feeling ~ Guilt
Action ~ Sacrifice my self-care
Result ~ Resent my family.

Because she believed it was selfish, she felt guilt which caused her to "sacrifice" her self-care for her family, which caused her to resent her family.

Circumstance ~ Self-Care
Thought ~ When I take care of myself, I'm a better mom.
Feeling ~ Love
Action ~ Spend alone time away from kids.
Result ~ Love my kids and family.

When she thought about her self-care making her a better mom, she felt love (for herself), which fueled her action of addressing her needs, which resulted in her loving her family more.

Self-Care Increases Self-Love

As you improve your self-care, you will also increase your self-love.

I believe that you love the people you serve.

I invite you to look at self-care as serving yourself.

As you take care of yourself, you will grow to love yourself even more.

Your ability to love others reflects your ability to love yourself!

How to Implement Your Self-Care!

Connect with yourself
Make your self-care a priority
Love yourself

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Gratitude Makes Everything Better Nov 11, 2021

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I Love November!

I love Halloween, which is the day before November.

I love Thanksgiving, and I love when my birthday falls on Thanksgiving.

I love the fall, the leaves, the cool/changing weather, and I love everything about November.

And, I especially love the focus and extra push when it comes to gratitude, appreciation, and giving thanks.

The Power Of Gratitude

I believe that gratitude is a simple, yet powerful emotion.

There are some positive emotions that some people struggle to experience. Some people have a hard time getting to compassion and love, but gratitude seems to be a positive emotion that most people can experience fairly easily and consistently.

I believe that gratitude is a super-emotion. It has the power to stop other negative emotions dead in their tracks.

Gratitude as a Feeling

Gratitude is a feeling, an emotion.

It is created by our thoughts.

It is created when we choose to appreciate our circumstances.

Gratitude is when you intentionally choose to be grateful and appreciative for your circumstances.

Gratitude is a powerful driving emotion.

We know from the model that our feelings drive our actions.

When I'm grateful I take actions like serving others, appreciating others, treating others (and myself) with kindness and patience.

Gratitude drives actions that create results that I love in my life.

Gratitude as a Way of BEing

Gratitude can be more than a simple feeling.

Gratitude can be a way of BEing. It's a choice.

I love BEing grateful. It is one of my favorite ways to BE as a dad.

If you're like most people, you've probably caught yourself being ungrateful.

If you're like most people, when you're ungrateful, you probably parent with less kindness and compassion.

It's okay to catch yourself being ungrateful. It's part of being human and being a parent.

BUT, you also have the power to BE grateful!

AND, I promise . . .

Gratitude WILL change EVERYTHING!

How to Develop the Superpower, GRATITUDE!

Set your Intention Early and Every day!

This has been powerful in my life!
When I get up, I set my intention for the day.
I guide my mind as to where I want it to go to work.
This takes practice, but it's totally worth it.

2. Practice BEing Grateful Daily.

This one goes right along with #1, once you've set you intention, simply practice!
Don't expect yourself to be perfect.
Just commit to practicing BEing grateful every day.
It will become more and more natural.

3. See The Power of Gratitude In Your Life.

As you set your intention and practice gratitude, see the power in your life.
See how BEing grateful impacts your life.
Look for new and more things to be grateful for.
Find new ways to be grateful.

4. Keep a Gratitude Journal.

Seriously, there are some many things to be grateful for, and when you start to look for them, you'll be overwhelmed with all the gifts in your life.
Keep a gratitude journal so you can remember and fully appreciate your life.
This journal will help you look back and see your own growth.
It's fun to look back on things you were grateful for.

5. Share Your Gratitude with Others.

You can't make others feel gratitude, but you can lead by example.
Help other people feel loved and appreciated by sharing your gratitude for them with them.
This may help others see things that they are grateful for.

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How to Stop Yelling at Your Teen! Nov 03, 2021

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If You Want to Stop Yelling At Your Teen, Stop Yelling at YOURSELF!

Okay, so this might be a stretch. You probably don't "yell" at yourself out loud, but be honest, how do you speak to yourself on the inside?

How often do you "yell" at yourself in your head?

How often do you tell yourself that you're "not good enough", or that you "should have done better"?

The truth is, if you want to stop yelling at your teen, you have to stop yelling at YOU!

Start treating yourself with kindness, and it will be easier to treat your teen with kindness.

Why Do We Yell?

If you're like most parents, you yell to be heard.

Maybe you yell out of anger, overwhelm, or fear.

If you're like most parents, sometimes you yell because you believe, "that's the only way my kids will listen."

I want you to dig deeper.

What Does Yelling Do?

Yelling triggers the Fight/Flight/Freeze response.

This is why yelling is a good idea when trying to protect a child from a dangerous situation. You yell "STOP" and a child is likely to freeze before running into a busy street.

However, when it comes to teaching something to your child or teen or punishing them, or disagreeing with them, yelling is not the best option.

Like I said, yelling triggers the fight/flight/or freeze response.

It actually puts your teen in survival mode. When getting yelled at, rather than listening to what's being said you start focusing on the speaker because you perceive them as a threat. You start looking for an escape or you start getting angry in preparation to fight for your survival.

I've taught about how "calm is contagious" as Rorke Denver says, and how humans are herd animals. The other thing that yelling does is escalate the emotional tension. It spreads to the person being yelled at, and they are likely to yell back.

This is the fight response.

How to Stop Yelling

Explore the why behind your yelling (Remember, this also applies to your inner self-talk.)

2. Have compassion for you and your teen.

3. Practice who you want to BE when parenting is easy.

4. Practice who you want to BE when parenting is hard.

5. Use Thought Downloads and the Model

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Horror Stories About Grades Oct 28, 2021

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Grades Aren't As Important As We've Been Taught

When I was getting close to graduating high school, I was told that I wouldn't be able to go to college due to my poor high school GPA (2.0 something) and my poor ACT score (17).

For years leading up to my graduation, I was told that I would have to improve my grades if I ever wanted a job other than digging ditches or some other type of manual labor.

For years I was told horror stories about people who had so much potential, but poor grades in school completely derailed and ruined their lives.

This is an example of herd mentality.

Teachers and school counselors believe that good grades are the key to success.

So of course, they are going to share this belief with their students.

For a long time, I worked manual labor jobs because I believed I was doomed to that life because of my high school grades.

Your Teen Is the Key to Their Success, Not Their Grades!

I believe this with all my heart!

I am an example of this. I barely graduated high school. I thought of dropping out. My grades were not great.

And yet, I am successful.

I became a phenomenal teacher. My students loved me!

I got my bachelor's degree and graduated Summa Cum Laude. That means I did pretty darn good in college.

I became a high school principal at a failing charter school on the Ute Indian Reservation, (without a master's degree I might add).

Within a few short years we had turned the school around.

My high school grades are definitely not the key to my success, I AM!

The same is true for your teen.

Grades, friends, a starting role on their high school football team, none of these are the key to their success.

THEY ARE THE KEY TO THEIR SUCCESS!

Values and Grades

It's 100% okay to value grades. It's also 100% okay to NOT value grades.

If you're like most parents who talk to me about their teen's grades, you value grades more than your teenager does.

Maybe you expect your teen to get nothing lower than a B, but they have several F's.

If you're like most parents, this difference in you and your teen's expectations and values is causing some friction in your relationship with them.

If you're like most parents, this results in yelling, arguing, fighting, and often grounding.

What if, grades aren't as important as you've been taught?

What if your teen's grades are actually a reflection of their values, not yours?

What if your teen has different values than you?

Your Relationship With Your Teen

At the end of the day, I promise you, your relationship with your teen is far more important than their grades.

I get it!

You still believe that grades are important.

You want your teen to get good grades.

Of these two relationships, which one will benefit your teen the most in 1 year, 5 years, 20 years, and so on?

Why is your teen so important to you?

Why are their grades so important to you?

I want to invite you to connect with your teen, RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE!

Regardless of what their grades look like, they will benefit from having a parent who can connect with them no matter what.

Once you build this connection, you will better understand why they have they grades that they do. You'll be able to determine whether their grades are a result of not being high on their priority list or the result of some serious struggles.

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